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Humour for the Streets!
#1
HUMOURMsg # 1 of 622                   Date: Mon  3/08/1992,  1:14 am  [E]

From: ERASERHEAD                 Read: 272 times

     To: All
Subject: a joke

Q.  What has six legs and goes around in circles?

















A.  A ram doing a eweie.




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HUMOURMsg # 2 of 622                   Date: Tue  4/08/1992,  9:53 pm  [E]
From: JONNY BLADE                Read: 264 times

     To: All
Subject: who ?

question : Who do you pay to put his tool in your mouth ???




















answer: Why your Dentist of course !!!!

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HUMOURMsg # 3 of 622                   Date: Wed 19/08/1992, 10:44 pm  [E]
From: LIZARD KING                Read: 271 times

     To: All
Subject: A Joke


What's the difference between a busnessman and a prostitute?


..A businessman says "It's a pleasue doing business with you"




...A prostitute says "It's a business doing pleasure with you"



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HUMOURMsg # 4 of 622                   Date: Fri 18/09/1992,  6:41 pm  [E]
From: JARROD BAKER               Read: 257 times

     To: B'STARD
Subject: Re: Baby Jokes - Offensive to Some

 Whats the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of
water?




You can't unload a truckload of water with a pitchfork......

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HUMOURMsg # 5 of 622                   Date: Sun 27/09/1992, 12:11 pm  [E]
From: ANDREW BETHELL             Read: 252 times  [1 Reply]

     To: ALL
Subject: Jokes

What's the definition of a Woman?
   Life support system for a pussy.

What stops a womans guts from slipping out her <cough!> FANNY?
   The vacuum in her head.

Why do doctors slap newborn babies?
   To knock the penis' off the dumb ones!


 þ SM 1.06 A0144 þ A royal Egyptian passing wind is a toot uncommon
 * SLQWiK 1.02.d #UNREGISTERED

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HUMOURMsg # 6 of 622                   Date: Sun 27/09/1992,  8:18 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 248 times  [2 Retorts]

     To: ANDREW BETHELL
Subject: Re: Jokes

Which board has a female sysop
       board Shitless

Who is the most offended by sexist jokes
       Aim‚e Winn

Who is in trouble
       Andrew Bethell........

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HUMOURMsg # 7 of 622                   Date: Tue 29/09/1992,  9:57 pm  [E]
From: TEEJAY                     Read: 233 times  [1 Reply]

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: Jokes

>Which board has a female sysop
>       board Shitless
>
>Who is the most offended by sexist jokes
>       Aim‚e Winn
>
>Who is in trouble
>       Andrew Bethell........

Why did the chicken cross the road?
        Bork bork bork!

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HUMOURMsg # 8 of 622                   Date: Thu  1/10/1992,  7:35 pm  [E]
From: Anonymous                  Read: 235 times

     To: TEEJAY
Subject: Re: Jokes

 Why did the woman cross the road?

 The answer is irrelevant. Who let her out of the kitchen?


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HUMOURMsg # 9 of 622                   Date: Sat  3/10/1992,  6:54 pm  [E]
From: LORD SNEEBLE               Read: 227 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: Jokes

>Which board has a female sysop
>       board Shitless

  There are a few others...

>
>Who is the most offended by sexist jokes
>       Aim‚e Winn

  <cough>...Our Delectable Young Lady Friend offendable!?!

>
>Who is in trouble
>       Andrew Bethell........

  When isn't he...

..some manadatory Jokes/FunnyBits...

   So many men, so few bullets...

   PC Support Problem Codes - Code # 666
     PEBKAC - Problem exists between keyboard and chair...

Lord Sneeble
"In for one of my rare visits.."

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HUMOURMsg # 10 of 622                  Date: Mon  5/10/1992, 11:43 pm  [E]
From: ERASERHEAD                 Read: 228 times

     To: All
Subject: joke

What's the difference between marriage and prison?



















The sex is better in prison

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HUMOURMsg # 11 of 622                  Date: Thu  8/10/1992,  3:45 pm  [E]
From: B'STARD                    Read: 228 times

     To: All
Subject: hehe


       The testes are cooler outside
       Said the doc to the curious bride
       For the semen must not
       Get too very hot,
       And the bag fans your bum on the ride !

:-)


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HUMOURMsg # 12 of 622                  Date: Tue 27/10/1992,  7:35 pm  [E]
From: ALEX                       Read: 211 times

     To: All
Subject: Cows

What do you call a cow with no legs ?


Ground beef.


Ha Ha

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HUMOURMsg # 13 of 622                  Date: Mon  9/11/1992, 10:25 pm  [E]
From: MARAUDER                   Read: 212 times

     To: All
Subject: joke...

ok , ok ,

What's the definition of a quicky?

















   .....  This won't hurt  - did it?

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HUMOURMsg # 14 of 622                  Date: Wed 18/11/1992,  8:57 pm  [E]
From: PHIL DRUMMOND              Read: 208 times

     To: All
Subject: ANOTHER JOKE



What's white & sticky, & travels dowwn Fibre Optic Cable  at 565Mega bits
per second?

TELE-CUM.


What's Black & White, & turns red at the touch of a button?

S.P.O.T. thru a blender.










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HUMOURMsg # 15 of 622                  Date: Mon 30/11/1992,  1:56 am  [E]
From: DETH                       Read: 219 times

     To: All
Subject: Blonde jokes... again Smile

Whats the difference between a male blonde and a female blonde?




... the female has the higher sperm count...

Deth (Everybody knows the dice are loaded...)

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HUMOURMsg # 16 of 622                  Date: Wed  6/01/1993,  6:56 am  [E]
From: FORREST GUMP        Read: 194 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: Ha Ha! Smile



   A man and his wife go to the doctors for a checkup, as he isn't feeling
well. The doctor asks to talk to the wife alone, and so the husband goes and
waits in the car.

  "I'm afraid it's bad news", the doctor says, "Your husband has a rare
heart condition that can be fatal, his only hope of survival rests in your
hands".
  "Go on", the wife says.
  "Well, you must have sex with your husband at least once a day, cook his
favourite meals, clean up after him, excuse his dirty habits, and generally
pamper him."

  On the way home in the car, the husband asks, "So, what did the doctor
say?"
  His wife replies, "I'm sorry Henry, you're going to die."


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HUMOURMsg # 17 of 622                  Date: Thu  7/01/1993,  4:45 pm  [E]
From: PHIL DRUMMOND              Read: 186 times

     To: FORREST GUMP
Subject: Death stories

Hmm your tale sounds familier.... something like.....


Two hunters, Jack and Jim, were tramping through the Ozzie outback and Jack
decided he need to stop for a piss.
And behind the bush he flopped out his old fella out and away he leaked.
A nearby snake thought this was a fighting call and jumped up and bit poor
Jack on the penis.
Jim heard the agonising scream and came running "What happened? What can I
do?"
Jack explained the situation, and mentioned there was a phone box about half
a mile back on the highway.

Jim tore off to the phone box and called the closest doctor and asked what
could be done to help his friend.
The doctor explained that Jim would have to suck the venom out from where
the snakes fang penetrated.
Jim asked, "And what will happen if I don't?"
The doctor replied, "Your friend will die in about thirty minutes."

So, Jim with this information in mind, raced back to his ailing pal.
Jack asked "So what's gonna happen to me?"
To which Jim replied, "Your'e gonna be dead soon!"



Phil the repetitive

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HUMOURMsg # 18 of 622                  Date: Fri  8/01/1993, 10:31 am  [E]
From: CHRIS DAWE                 Read: 187 times

     To: All
Subject: censorship

 A much reknowned 'blue' movie making company is shooting two versions of
it's latest movie, one using circumcised and one using uncircumcised
males.This is so even after the censors have finished, one will still be
the uncut version....


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HUMOURMsg # 19 of 622                  Date: Fri 12/02/1993,  9:06 am  [E]
From: SATAN                      Read: 181 times  [1 Reply]

     To: ALL
Subject: The Funnies Page!

Hello Folks....Tis Le_Stud here....The New SubSysop of the Humour Section of
this wonderful BBS!!

Well I had a look.....cleaned the place up a bit......and now all we need
are the Jokes, Laughs, Giggles, Titters, Funnies, Side Splitters, etc.


So get going....we are gonna get this place rolling in the aisles!




Now to start with......


What is the definition of endless love?





Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!






Why don't blind people Bunngy Jump?





Cause it scares the shit out of the gide dog!






Why did the blond climb over the glass wall?





To see what was on the other side!







Well thats got the ball rolling.....just a few gide lines.....

1. No heavy personal abuse! This is a place for merryment, not slagging off!
   these kind of messages will be destroyed!!!

2. Who cares if it's silly....put it in here...someone cold kill themselves
   Laughing at it!!!

3. Rude, yes. Crude, yes. But not distasteful were not here to offend
   people, just to make them laugh.

4. LAUGH YOU FOOLS!!!


Ian Le_"Jester"Stud.

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HUMOURMsg # 20 of 622                  Date: Fri 12/02/1993,  2:30 pm  [E]
From: CHRIS DAWE                 Read: 174 times

     To: SATAN
Subject: Re: The Funnies Page!

 What's the definition of masturbation?

 Coming unscrewed....


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HUMOURMsg # 21 of 622                  Date: Sun 14/02/1993,  4:22 am  [E]
From: B'STARD                    Read: 171 times  [1 Reply]

     To: ALL
Subject: ha


A couple of mates were talking one day about women, sex and such related
subjects, when one of them asked, "What would you do if you came home one
afternoon from work a bit earlier than usual, and found your wife fucking
some other bloke?".

"Well, I'd beat him senseless with his cane and strangle his seeing eye
dog."

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HUMOURMsg # 22 of 622                  Date: Fri  9/04/1993,  6:55 am  [E]
From: PHIL DRUMMOND              Read: 162 times

     To: B'STARD
Subject: ha...too


Reminds me of the time me and a couple of mates were down at the pub
discussing how often we have sex,  when we saw this old fella in his
late-70s come in with this blonde on his shoulder.

We asked him the same question and he replied with "infrequently"

And to this dat we're still trying to work out whether that was one word or
two.



Phil

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HUMOURMsg # 23 of 622                  Date: Mon 12/04/1993, 12:00 am  [E]
From: ROBERT RUTHVEN             Read: 170 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: General Chat
Subject: Hey, new Unix command...

SEX(6)              EUNUCH Programmer's Manual               SEX(6)



NAME
     sex - have sex

SYNOPSIS
     sex [ options ] ...  [ username ] ...

DESCRIPTION
     sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
     fied in the command line.  If no users are specified, they
     are taken from the LOVERS environment variable.  Options to
     make things more interesting are as follows:

     -1   masturbate

     -a   external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option

     -b   buggery

     -B<animal>
          bestiality with <animal>

     -c   chocolate sauce option

     -C   chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)

     -d<file>
          get a date with the features described in <file>

     -e   exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)

     -f   foreplay option

     -F   nasal sex with plants

     -i   coitus interruptus (messy!)

     -j   jacuzzi option (California sites only)

     -l   leather option

     -m   masochism (see -s)

     -M   triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option

     -n   necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
          kills it)

     -o   oral option

     -O   parallel access (orgy)

     -p   debug option (proposition only)

     -P   pedophilia (must specify a child process)

     -q   quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)

     -s   sadism (target must set -m)

     -S   sundae option

     -v   voyeurism (surveys the entire net)

     -w   whipped cream option

     -W   whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

ENVIRONMENT
     LOVERS
          is a list of default partners which will be used if
          none are specified in the command line.  If any are
          specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

FILES
     /usr/lib/sex/animals          animals for bestiality

     /usr/lib/sex/blackbook        possible dates

     /usr/lib/sex/sundaes          sundae recipes

     /usr/lib/sex/s&m         sado-masochistic equipment



BUGS
     ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.

     ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.

MAN AUTHOR
     Author prefers to be anonymous.

HISTORY
     Oldest program ever.

---
 * Origin: (null): this message came from nowhere.  (666:1313/65.5)
SEEN-BY: 771/340 1313/1 26 39 52 65 69 91

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HUMOURMsg # 24 of 622                  Date: Thu  3/09/1992,  1:05 pm  [E]
From: TEEJAY                     Read: 224 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: Serious be Buggered!!!
Subject: Elephant Hunting

I found this on the best of Usenet newsgroup, and felt that I *had* to share
it with y'all. 8-)

X-NEWS: kosmos.wcc.govt.nz alt.best.of.internet: 206
Xref: newshost.wcc.govt.nz alt.best.of.internet:206 misc.misc:3223
Path: newshost.wcc.govt.nz!comp.vuw.ac.nz!waikato.ac.nz!wupost!usc!rpi!batco
mputer!cornell!newsstand.cit.cornell.edu!pelican.cit.cornell.edu!rdc
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet,cornell.general,misc.misc
Subject: Chaos Corner V02 N08
Message-ID: <1992Aug17.051720.30003@pelican.cit.cornell.edu>
From: rdc@pelican.cit.cornell.edu (Bob Cowles)
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1992 05:17:20 GMT
Organization: Cornell Info. Tech.
Keywords: weather, elephants, time, macs, pc unix
Summary: Various random and interesting things found
Lines: 329


Chaos Corner V02 N08  17Aug92

--------------------------------------------------------
A BOLD NEW PROPOSAL FOR MATCHING HIGH-TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE AND PROFESSIONS

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right
job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of
dollars of funding.  This is particularly true for high-technology
organizations where talent is scarce and expensive.  Recently, however,
years of detailed study of the finest minds in the field of
psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the
development of a simple foolproof test to determine the best match
between personality and profession.  Now, at last, people can be
infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate
exercise.  Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an
actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
     1.  Go to Africa.
     2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
     3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
         east and west.
     4.  During each traverse pass,
        (a) Catch each animal seen,
        (b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant,
        © Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their
hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within + or - 15% of
any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies,
if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research and development try hard to
hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.  When the
VP does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely prehunted before the VP sees them.  If
the VP does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment
the VP's keen eyesight, and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any
recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.

Ann Halpin (halpinae@dayton.bitnet) contributed the preceding,
originally from Peter Theobald, National Center for Software Technology,
Bombay, India.
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:54 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:55 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:55 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:56 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:57 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:57 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:58 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:58 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:59 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:59 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:00 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:00 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:01 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:02 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:02 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:03 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:03 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:04 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:05 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:05 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:06 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:06 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:07 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:08 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:09 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:09 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:10 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:11 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:11 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:12 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:13 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:14 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:15 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:16 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:16 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:17 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:18 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:19 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:20 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:20 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:21 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:22 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-10-2016, 01:45 PM

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