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Humour for the Streets!
#11
HUMOURMsg # 168 of 622                 Date: Tue  6/06/1995,  5:02 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: Bad Day Text :>

     HOW  YOU  CAN  TELL  WHEN  ITS  GOING  TO  BE  A  ROTTEN  DAY  !
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 * You wake up face down on the pavement.

 * You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

 * You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

 * You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

 * Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

 * You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
   there aren't any.

 * You turn on the news and they are showing emergency routes out of the
   city

 * Your twin sister/brother forgot your birthday.

 * You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realise that you
   don't have a waterbed.

 * Your cars horn goes off accidently and remains stuck on as you follow a
   group of Hell's Angels on the motorway.

 * Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

 * The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

 * You wake up and your braces are locked together.

 * You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of ya pantyhose

 * Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

 * You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

 * Your wife says, "good morning, Bill" and your name is George.


  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 169 of 622                 Date: Tue  6/06/1995,  5:04 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: Blonde Jokes, best of the Best

Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
A:   Alone.

Q:   How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A:   Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q:   How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A:   Tell her she's pregnant.

Q:   What will she ask you?
A:   "Is it mine?"

Q:   A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A:   Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q:   Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A:   They have to pull their own pants down.

Q:   Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A:   It's too hard to re-train them.

Q:   Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice for 2 hours?
A:   Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A:   One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

Q:   How does a blonde get pregnant?
A:   And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q:   What does a blond say during a porno?
A:   There I am!!

Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
A:   You don't. They're born that way.

Q:   What's brown and red and black and blue?
A:   A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q:   What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A:   You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.

Q:   What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
     blonde?
A:   The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says "Are you
     done already?" The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling
     beige."

Q:   What's the difference between a blond having her period and a
     terrorist?
A:   You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q:   What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A:   Lipstick.

Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A:   You can park in the handicap zone.

Q:   Why do men like blonde jokes??
A:   Because they can understand them.

Q:   Why do blondes like lightning?
A:   They think someone is taking their picture.

Q:   Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A:   From eating with forks.

Q:   Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A:   They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q:   What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A:   Bobbing for Bimbos.

Q:   What do you call a smart blond?
A:   A golden retriever.

Q:   Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A:   They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q:   Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A:   Because she loved children.

Q:   Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A:   A blond electrician

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just
don't remember who with.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the blonde who:

took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said
"Oh, look at the deer tracks."  The other blonde looks and says "Those
arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."  "No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both
killed by a train.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice
safe sex).  She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of
rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another blonde, another store.  She goes over to the deodorant display and
tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use
the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for
under his arms."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he
had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish
his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before
drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it
in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I
always wondered how you refilled those."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small table
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 170 of 622                 Date: Sun 25/06/1995,  8:10 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: Whatever happened to the 7 dwarfs?

 T H E   S E V E N   D W A R V E S :   W H E R E   A R E   T H E Y   N O W ?

  It was a one shot success, an animated feature length cartoon!  What was
old Walt thinking of.  Test audiences hated the previews - Disney had
already sunk thousands into the project and the creditors were moving in.
Under the working title of "Snow White and the lone tall guy in the
Forest", it was a dead loss.  Something had to be done.

  The solution came from a simple clerk in the casting department.  He
changed the whole plot and introduced a set of out of work amateurs.
Released as "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves", it was an immediate
success.  The rest is, as they say, is history.

  But is it?  What happened to those seven fellows?  No-one knows.  Until
now.

  Weeks of investigation has unearthed the truth.  What happened to each of
the stars since their unexpected fame & fortune.  Well, the truth isn't 
always easy to accept.  The sad decline of these unfortunate individuals
may upset some of the younger readers.


                D O C

  His real name was Dr. Ernest Jones, a famous gynecologist with a high
five figure salary.  Being a dwarf was initially a novelty with his
patients as his size allowed them to remain standing during examinations.
He became intensely unhappy with his job when an incompetency case came to
hearing.  It was alleged that he left a surgical instrument inside one of
his patients.  This was undetected for three months until the woman's
husband "injured himself" on said instrument. The couple sued for $140,000
but Dr. Jones got off claiming the instrument was planted.

  It was then when he decide to take up part-time acting.  Moving from
cheap "short joke" commercials to "speechless barbarians pet" in low budget
adventure movies was all Ernest was able to achieve.  He thought the part 
in animated film was a lucky break.  How wrong he was.

  The deadline for filming played on Doc's mind more than any other member
of the cast.  He would walk off the set during a take, in a daze, mumbling
about getting a new set of leg clamps for the operating room.  It all came
to a sad conclusion when on the last day of filming, during the final
sequence where Snow White is lying unconscious waiting for the prince, Doc
flipped out and proceeded to perform a complete gynecological check-up on
Snow White.  The story was covered up as not to harm the films sales image.

  Things turned from bad to worse.  His original profession wouldn't allow
back into the fold as it were plus his acting days were over due to a 
strange nervous ailment which affected him whenever he was on a set.  Doc 
toured America performing illegal abortions for high paying civilians.  
They were literally back-street operations usually taking place in darkened
alleys.  He was quite well-known on the circuit for his abortion 
"while-U-wait" techniques.  He has since disappeared.

---------
            B A S H F U L

  Robby Sillcitoni was one of the greatest miniature Italian actors that
ever lived.  His rendition of Julius Caesar had the audiences standing in
their seats.  Usually because the scenery tended to obscure small Robby but
also because of his amazing talent of getting into character.  After one
performance, he was so into character that upon leaving the theatre, he was
stabbed several times and still managed to recall the death scene before
slipping into coma.

  His obsessive nature with the characters he portrayed caused him severe
psychological problems.  He would have incredible bouts of violence and 
strike out at all around.  The resulting consequences of his actions proved
invaluable as research material in some of his greatest film roles.  Such 
classics as "Oh Shit, here comes the Cops", "I'm locked up and there is a 
strange man stroking my bottom" and "I think I'm beginning to enjoy this". 
Therapy did nothing for poor Robby until it was suggested he try a 
character with a less sadistic nature.  The role of Bashful seemed to be
ideal for Robby's needs.  He played it wonderfully.

  After several weeks of filming, the accounting department reported that
some staff were not collecting their pay checks at the end of the week.
Upon further investigation, it was discovered that around a fifth of the
staff working on the film had disappeared.  The Cops were called in and
Robby was taken away on charges of murder for 28 people.

  This was a near death experience for the jinxed film.  The judges refused
bail so all the scenes with Bashful in them had to be filmed in a heavily 
disguised prison cell.  If you look closely at the last few scenes of the 
film you can just make out the how the primitive special effects staff 
masked out the chains.  Robby was given the death sentence three days 
before the opening of the film so he never knew how well it did.  In his 
last moments, on the electric chair, Robby began quoting lines from Macbeth
only to forget the dialogue half way through a speech.  He died failing his
last major role.

-----------
             S N E E Z Y

  No one had ever heard of Alex Lymar until around five years before
filming.  Trying to track down his birth-date or hometown proved futile. He
remained quite a mystery throughout the investigation, a mystery man. Until
we realized that is what we were doing wrong.  Assuming that Alex was
originally a mystery man.  In fact, after following up the last lead we
discovered his real name was Alice Lymar, a ugly, short cow-girl from the
state of Texas.

  Alice began life very well, coming from a rich ranching family.  The need
to rebel and turn against the values taught by her parents forced her to 
run away to New York and become an under-age prostitute.  But the cards 
were stacked against on this count.  Not only was she short but she was 
also incredibly ugly and so could only attract a special kind of pervert.
   
  The major turning point in her life wasn't until Alice spotted a ad in a
personal column.  It read "Not a Lady.  Call 555-3443. Surgical solution!".
Believing this to be a face lift operation of some kind, she applied.  It
was only after the painful operation and three months in bandages that she
realized her terrible mistake.  She thought the "Not a Lady" term was a
question and not a suggestion.  Yup, She was now a He.

  The only real thing Alice/Alex regretted about the move (as now he looked
decidedly better) was that the surgeon never bolted on a few extra feet in
height.  Returning to the toy boy situation proved too much for Alex as he
still had a distinct loathing for sleeping with rich, elderly sex starved
women.

  It was an old film actress that put Alex onto the Disney casting.
Avoiding mentioning the operation, Alex completed an audition and got the 
part.  As Sneezy, Alex was required to fake sneezes ninety or so times a 
day.  Around three weeks into filming Alex began to notice his nose 
slipping down his face.  For the rest of the film Sneezy can be seen 
rubbing his nose, trying to prop it up or flicking back his head.

  On the last day of filming, Sneezy was found in bed with the Prince.  He
claimed he still couldn't get used to sleeping with women, men was area he
had already covered.  Familiar ground as it were.  The Prince said he loved
Sneezy, she felt like putty in his hands (which, with the state of the
declining sex change wasn't far from the truth.).

  Sneezy is still in intensive care, strapped into a bed - a puddle of
slipping skin giving off the odd nasal explosion.

-------

              H A P P Y

  Lou Gushman was a sad individual.  Something intrinsic in him caused him
always to look on the bright side of life.  Even something as tragic as a 
multiple car pile-up killing 20 would always have some sort of silver 
lining seeping out along with the pool of blood.  "Well, at least there
will be less traffic congestion to worry about, Just think of the insurance
claims the relatives will be able to make" or "I'm sure their last moments
was the most exciting in their lives".

  Lou made friends very easily and trusted everyone.  This made him very
easy prey for the more corrupt of society outcasts.  Thieves would rip him
off for all the money he had then find themselves coming back a couple of
days later to return it.  Stealing money from the stupid played heavily on
the conscience.  Stealing from the stupid and having them thank you feels
like a ticket straight to hell.

  He moved from job to job without any real commitment ("something will
always come along").  He enjoyed his work, not understanding why he got 
fired each time when he was so friendly.  Jobs such as Telephone Operator, 
Bank Desk Clerk and Clown.  The clown job lasted longer than any of the 
others but even that had to stop, complaints that the children were getting
nauseous from his attitude.

  He only managed to get the job as Happy when a passer by, who he had
asked for the time, became violent and threw him through the door of the
casting agency.  The people inside thought he had come in character and
gave him the part on the spot.

  Filming went well for several weeks but Lou's happy attitude wore thin on
peoples nerves.  To start with people would avoid him.  They then began to
ignore him.  He thought they simply didn't want to distract him from his
role.  Then, after three months, people would simply react violently.  This
is believed to be the main reason why happy hardly ever appears later in
the film.  Lou spent a lot of time in hospital recovering for broken bones
and wounds.

  The filming ended just as people began bringing firearms into work with
them.  While picking up his final pay-check, he narrowly avoided a shotgun 
round to the head.

  Mr. Gushman followed a short career in acting though illness and
accidents dogged his every move.  He then changed to advertising consultant
for children's confectionery.  He made thousands convincing kids that they
should by a product that rots teeth, make you obeys and causes acne.  His
master stroke was the patenting of the term "Have a Nice Day!".  He was
killed in 1983.  Four thousand individuals happily confessed to the crime.

----------

              D O P E Y

  Raz Poulby was a drug addict.  He used to lose vast areas of his life
through hallucinogenically aided blackouts.  It was said that one day Raz
was riding his push bike through a rough area of town, aged 12.  The next 
thing he knew, he was shacked up with some out of work showgirl called 
Binky, aged 23.  His outlook was that life was much easier to get through 
when lived in one week every year chunks.  What Raz did during these yearly
blackouts was a complete mystery to Raz although he suspected his low-life 
friends took advantage of him. It was finding pictures of himself naked
with a goat in the special edition of "Sex Puppet" that convinced him.
He'd had always wanted to do something about his problem but usually on the
way to a drug rehabilitation clinic he would run into a few of he doped out
friends with the same idea.  After a few minutes reminiscing about the good
old days (or hat they could remember about them) they'd decided to blow the
joint, in preference for one of Raz's famous cocktail joint's.

  Raz would put anything he could get his hands on into one.  Every time 
one of his black-out wore off there would be a news drug on the market for 
him to experience.  They usually were the main ingredients in the roll.
   
  If was after one of these mind-enhancing home-mades that Raz got the part
of Dopey in Snow White.  The exact details how aren't clear and why also is
anybodies guess.  All in all, Raz did a good job even though he wasn't 
aware of it.
   
  He floated through the days like a tortoise with a frontal lobotomy.  
People didn't notice he was on a 8 month high at all.  I mean, sure, he'd
hold conversations with cats, play an imaginary oboe and even spend weeks 
walking around on his hands but hell, actors are generally considered to be
eccentric.
   
  Filming was finally over and Raz wandered off.  Three weeks later he 
finally made it to the Drug rehab' clinic and came through his addiction.  
In a cinema a few days later he saw where the last eight months of his life
had gone.  That is where he'd had his head shaved.  It all came back to 
him.  The people had Disney had stopped paying him after the second week of
filming as he didn't seem too interested, anyway when they did convince him
to accept a cheque, he would only eat it.  Raz was pissed off, skint too so
he filed a lawsuit for unpaid labor while under the influence of a variety 
of illegal contraband.  He won and received a welcome $380,000.
   
  Raz had a relapse and spent most of his money putting together a 
stockpile of drugs. He is currently having a 14 year flashback.

  And That is the whole seedy story.  Fame had corrupted seven perfectly
ordinary under-tall people and turned them into sad shells of their 
previous lives.  Disney turned his back on them, people soon forgot about 
them.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 171 of 622                 Date: Sun 25/06/1995,  8:12 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes

        A rabbi and a minister were at the neighborhood picnic.   As they
rode in one of the boats on the lake, the rabbi stood up, stepped out of
the boat, and walked over the water to the nearest stretch of land.
Astonished, the minister decided to see if he could duplicate this
miraculous feat.  He stepped out of the boat and sank.  But he managed to
swim ashore.   As he started to dry himself off, the rabbi walked over and
said, "If you're a nice guy, next time I'll show you where the rocks are!"

-------

I am a member of a group that reenacts the Civil War, serving in the
Artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and they always get a
lot of attention from the public.

Over Memorial Day, a self-appointed Animal Rights-type came over to our
"Master of Horse" and started proclaiming:

"Listen here!  I was raised around horses, I *know* horses, and you are
mistreating that one there!  That horse is obviously pregnant, and should
not be forced to pull loads."

About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate.  One of the
guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade, called out:

"My god!  It's water's broke and there's a leg coming out!"

The woman left quickly and quietly.

---------

This girl with huge hooters goes in for a job interview for a company with
an office on the 40th floor of a  skyscraper... so, she goes up to the
secretary and  introduces herself, and the secretary tells her to go wait 
over by the windows, she will be seen shortly.

So, she goes over by the windows and is awestruck by how high up they are..
she leans her head out the window so she can see better. She looks around
for a few minutes, and then the secretary  abruptly calls her name.  Well,
gravity takes hold when she  gets startled and she falls out the window.

As she is falling, she's yelling "help... help... I'll do anything... just
help me!!!"

All of a sudden, from out of the windows of the 35th floor, someone catches
her... she tells him... "I'll do anything  if you'll just pull me in..."

He says "Will you give me a blowjob?"  She answers back "No!  I would never
do that!"  So, he drops her.

She falls again, screaming all along "Help me!  Help!  I'll do anything if
you'll just help me!"

Around the 30th floor, someone else catches her... "Help me... I'll do
anything for you!"  He says "Will you let me pump you?"  She says "No!  I'd
never do that!"  He lets her  go...

"Help me!  Help!  I'll do anything if you'll just help me!"

Around the 25th floor, someone else catches her... "Okay... I'll do
anything if you'll just help me... I'll give you a  blowjob, I'll let you
pump me... just help me!!!"  He says  "Slut...."  and lets her go.

---------

                 Father Murphy's Fund Raising Problems

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish.

He asked for suggestions as to how to raise money for his church. He was
told that horse owners had money.  So he went to a horse auction.  But he
made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.

However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey
came in third and the next morning the headlines in the local paper read:
Father Murphy's Ass Shows

The archbishop saw the paper and was very displeased.  The next day the
donkey came in first and the headlines read: Father Murphy's Ass Out in
Front

The archbishop was up in arms and figured something had to be done. Father
Murphy entered the donkey for the third time, and it came in second.  Now
the headlines read: Father Murphy's Ass Back in Place

The archbishop thought this was too much, so he forbade the priest to enter
the donkey the next day, which inspired the editor to write: Archbishop
Scratches Father Murphy's Ass

When the archbishop read this, he ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the
donkey.  He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a
pet.  Now the headlines read: Nun Owns Best Ass in Town

The archbishop read this and he immediately ordered Sister Agatha to
dispose of the animal.  She sold it for ten dollars.  The next day the
headlines read: Sister Agatha Peddles Her Ass for Ten Dollars

They buried the archbishop three days later.

-----------

    Little Johnny is sitting in school in Oklahoma on a reservation. It is
the last day of school and the teacher says I will ask questions and when
you give me the right answer you can go home.

    The first question was who was the first president of the US John knows
and raises his hand but the teacher calls on a little indian girl.  She
says George Washington and goes home.

    All day long Johnny knows the answers but the teacher keeps calling on
the Indian children.  Finally the teacher asks who is the current president
of the US and Johnny raises his hand.
    Again the teacher calls upon an Indian child and John yells out: "Where
did all these damn indians come from?"
The teacher said: "Who said that?" Johnny said:"General Custer at Little
Big Horn and I'm going home"

---------

     Eddie, a construction worker, came home early one day as it was
raining too hard to work.  As he walked into his apartment, he noticed the
shades drawn and, when his eyes got used to the dim light, saw his best
friend, Jim, lying on the couch naked.

     Looking in the bedroom, Eddie saw his wife in the well-messed up bed -
also naked.  Eddie put two and two together and quickly came to the
conclusion Jim and his missus had something going.

     Without waking either of the two lovebirds, he walked back down the
four flights of stairs.

     Jim woke up a few minutes later with this pain in his chest. When he
was fully awake, he saw there was a manhole cover resting on his chest.  He
grabbed the cast iron weight, walked to the open window and heaved the
manhole cover out.  Just as he let go of the object, he saw a note tied to
the manhole cover that said "You now have two seconds to undo the wire from
your balls".

-------

  Little Johnny brought to school a box wrapped with a red ribbon as a
present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was
inside.   "Chocolates?" she asked.
  "Nope."
  "A cake?"
  Johnny shook his head no.
  Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box.
She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then
said, "Ah, I know__dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said. "It's a puppy."

---------

                        THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans.  He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him.  One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it
was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go
for carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans, and shortly after they got married.

Some months later, on the way home from work his car broke down.  Since
they lived in the country he called his wife and told her he would be late
because he had to walk.  On his way home he passed a small cafe and the
odor of baked beans overwhelmed him.  Since he still had several miles to
walk he figured that he could work off any ill after effects before he got
home.  So he stopped, and before leaving he had three extra large helpings
of baked beans.

All the way home he putted.  He putt putted down the hill and putt putted
up the next, and after arriving at home, he felt reasonably safe.  His wife
met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.  She exclaimed "Darling, I
have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"  She blind-
folded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table.  Just as she
was ready to remove the blindfold the phone rang.  She made him promise not
to peek until she returned, and went to answer the phone.

When she was gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg
and let go.  It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.  He had a
hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and fanned the air about him. He
just started feeling better when he felt another urge.  He raised his leg
and rip.  It sounded like a straight pipe hot rod and smelled so bad he
gagged.  He fanned until his arms ached.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming,
so he shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.  This was a price
winner!  The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead.  While keeping an ear tuned in on
the conversation in the hallway he carried on like this for the next 15 to
20 minutes, farting and fanning with his napkin.  When the phone farewells
indicated the end of his loneliness and freedom, he neatly laid his napkin
in his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for talking so long she asked if he had peeked.  After assuring
her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, and to his surprise there
were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a surprise birthday
party for him!

--------

                   A Mismatched Pair of Gloves

.... Ken wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful
consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his
sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of
white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.  During
the wrapping, the items got mixed up.  The sister got the gloves, and the
sweetheart got the  panties.  Without checking the contents, the man sealed
the package and sent it to her with this note...

Dearest Darling,

     This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in  the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger
sister's advice, I would have  chosen the long ones with the buttons, but
she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove.  These are a
delicate shade,  but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had
been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled.  I had the 
sales girl try them on, and she really looked smart.  I wish I  could put
them on you for the first time.  No doubt that other men's hands will come
in contact with them before I have a chance to  see you again.  When you
take them off, blow in them before  putting them away as they will
naturally be a little damp from  wearing.  Be sure to keep them on when you
clean them, or they might shrink.  I hope you will like them, and will wear
them for me on Friday night!

                         All my love....

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with  the fur showing.

Later,
Brian

----------

              A RICH MAN

  I saw one of my old friends from college at lunchtime in a Brighton pub.
He had a BMW outside in the car park, car phone, the works.  I decided to 
find out how he had suddenly become so wealthy.

  Apparently he has a 5 bedroom house in a sizeable piece of land out in
the country.  He reckons he's got so much money he won't need to work in
the near future.

  So how did he do it you may ask?  At first he didn't recognize me but as
soon as he had, he bought me a drink, paid for my lunch and we chatted
happily about our poverty-stricken student days.

  He had left college with no money and made all his money in just 4 years.
I released I was face to face with a dynamic self-starting self-made
go-getter and I had to get his secret.

  Apparently he just bought some wood and made a few of those rustic bird
tables one sees for sale outside pet shops or garden shops.  He went round 
Brighton and convinced a few shop keepers to take them on a sale or return 
basis.

  They were quite a hit at the time and from the profit he was able to buy
a load more wood and make several more.  He ventured further afield to
other towns and soon could afford a little van for deliveries.  He was
careful always to re-invest the profits in more materials so he bought more
wood.  Then one day, quite unexpectedly, he received a phone call that was
to change his life.  He had won the pools.  "Stuff the birdtables", he
thought.

------

        Count Dracula developed a taste for Italian women and began bringing
them home to his castle and after a fine evening, sucked all their blood
from their bodies and dumped them out of the window into the moat. After
several weeks of this the Count noticed that they made no splash when
they hit the moat - so the next night he carefully held the body out the
window and watched as it plummeted to the water. As it neared the moat, a
huge alligator opened his mouth and swallowed the girl's body whole.

     "So that's what was happening," the Count mumbled  as he walked away
from the window. Suddenly he heard singing from below and came  back and
looking down at the smiling alligator heard it singing at the top of its
voice,

"Drained Wops
keeping falling on my head..."

------

A genius scientist designed the ultimate robot:  one could determine its
I.Q. by moving a level up and down on its chest.

To demonstrate to his colleagues, he set the lever to an I.Q. of 220.
Immediately the robot responded with "I have an I.Q. of 220, and understand
all laws of theoretical physics in the universe, both known and unknown to
man."

The scientist then moved the lever to an I.Q. setting of 100. The robot
said "I am just a simple robot with average human intelligence."

To further demonstrate, the scientist moved the lever down to 60. The robot
stuttered, "bleh, gumpf,  I.....I.....I are a r-r-r-r-robot."

Next, the scientist moved the lever to an I.Q. of 20.  The robot sputtered,
gxdkj, fudmp, gurk...www,  xious Yiiiii ammmmmm rbut."

Finally, the scientist moved the lever to an I.Q. of 5. Immediately the
robot snapped to attention and said clearly and briskly, "She'll be right,
Mate."
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:54 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:55 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:55 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:56 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:57 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:57 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:58 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:58 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:59 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 05:59 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:00 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:00 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:01 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:02 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:02 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:03 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:03 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:04 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:05 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:05 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:06 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:06 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:07 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:08 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:09 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:09 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:10 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:11 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:11 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:12 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:13 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:14 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:15 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:16 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:16 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:17 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:18 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:19 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:20 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:20 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:21 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-02-2015, 06:22 PM
RE: Humour for the Streets! - Aimée - 08-10-2016, 01:45 PM

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