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Bizzaro: Weird occurrences from Zosimos.
#1
BIZZAROMsg # 1 of 200                   Date: Fri 11/07/1997,  6:59 pm

From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 50 times

     To: All
Subject: Message #1


Hi folks Smile

This sub is for me (and anyone else) to post stories, articles or what-ever
of a bizzarre or just plain interesting nature.

It will also give me/we the forum to take a look at the lighter side of life
with items taken from the News-papers or similar sources.

I'll post a few items from the Ovis sight on the net to get the ball
rolling.

Fell free to comment and take the p*ss out of the people that these items
are about.

Zosimos.  Smile

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BIZZAROMsg # 2 of 200                   Date: Fri 11/07/1997,  7:07 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 44 times

     To: All
Subject: Ovis re-posts

           Ovi's World of the Bizarre - March 04, 1997 - Update 1

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Escaping inmate crushed inside garbage truck

Source: AP

SMYRNA, Del. (02-27) - An inmate was crushed to death when he
tried escaping by hiding in a garbage truck.
Larry Blanchfield, 31, was serving life in prison after he was declared
a habitual offender. He was killed when the driver activated the
truck's compactor prior to leaving the prison grounds.
The driver of the truck was ordered to dump the garbage in a nearby
field after a search of the Delaware Correctional Center failed to locate
Blanchfield. His body was found in the pile of trash.
Before being sentenced to life in prison, Blanchfield was serving two
years for theft.

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Man abducts cat; Demands Elmo Doll

Source: AP

SPRINGFIELD, MO. (02-27) -A man, armed with a beer bottle, abducted
a cat and demanded a Tickle Me Elmo Doll as ransom.
The suspect picked up the cat from the front lawn and banged at the
front door of the house. Kathryn Hamilton opened the door and was
shocked to see her kitten Blue held hostage by a man armed with a beer
bottle demanding an Elmo Doll in exchange.
"I have never seen this man," Mrs. Hamilton said. "I told him I don't have
his doll. I was so upset, so terrified."
The man took the cat to his car and yelled: "If you want your cat back,
gimme Elmo."
"I knew the things were selling like nuts, but I can't imagine someone
would hurt (a cat) for one," Hamilton added.
The abductor and cat are still missing.

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Lamb born with extra leg sticking out of its head

Source: AFP

BADAJOZ, Spain (02-27) - Veterinarians are puzzled over an animal
oddity involving a lamb born with a fifth leg sticking out of its head.
The baby lamb, Bufa, was born two weeks ago in the village of Cheles.
Bufa's fifth leg is perfectly formed and it will most likely have to be
amputated.
The owner, Ezechiel Terron Romero, said Bufa was much livelier than the
rest of his sheep.

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Collision caused by man's obscene actions

Source: The Joliet Herald News, Joliet, Illinois
Submitted by: Elaine Molburg munchkin@cbcast.com

JOLIET, Il. (02-24) - A pedestrian's obscene actions were the cause for
a traffic collision at the intersection of Richard Street and Second
Avenue.
A woman was stopped at a red light when a male pedestrian broke her
driver's side window with his fist and began urinating in her vehicle.
She drove forward and collided with a vehicle traveling west.
The unidentified woman and her passenger were treated and released
from a local hospital. Police did not catch the suspect.

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Robber wearing underwear mask nabbed by police

Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer

LONGVIEW, Wash. (03-01) - Police arrested a man who robbed a
grocery store while wearing a bikini underwear on his head.
Officers recovered the pair of dirty underpants from Richard Lee
Hamrick's pocket and booked him on suspicion of robbery. Hamrick,
28, "had the underwear on backward with holes cut off for the eyes
when he went into a Safeway Supermarket," Police Detective Mike
Rabideau said.
Store employees chased Hamrick and pointed him out to police
officers who took over the chase. The suspect tripped and fell a
few blocks away. "He was rather apologetic. . . and confessed
completely," Rabideau added.

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Double drunk driver accident

Source: AP
Submitted by: timp@silverplatter.com

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (02-25) - Joyce Dorbor's luck was short lived.
She survived a car accident caused by a drunken driver but died
minutes later struck by another.
The first driver, Oswaldo Orellana, 27, was charged with driving under
the influence of alcohol and later released. The second driver,
39-year-old Dennis Zebro, was charged with an additional death
resulting felony and released on $200 bail. His alcohol-blood level
was more than twice the legal limit.
Dorbor, a Johnson & Wales University worker, was preparing to
celebrate her 50th birthday with friends when she died, police said.

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VATICAN to divorced Catholics: No more sex

Source: AP
Submitted by: Barry Surman

VATICAN CITY (02-25) - The Vatican issued guidelines for divorced
Catholics - no sex if you remarry.
The Vatican referred to sexual relationship as "state of sin" and
said the church "must not express any sign, public or private, that
could appear to be a legitimization of the new union."
The document containing guidelines for priests was issued by the
Pontifical Council on the Family and asked remarried couples to
abstain from sex.
Couples should "recognize their irregular situation, which involves
a state of sin, and ask God for the grace of a true conversion."

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Real life Crocodile Dundee

Source: Reuters
Submitted by: Capt Papineau - papineau@1cdndiv.kingston.net

An Australian man jumped on a crocodile's back and gouged out its
eyes in an attempt to rescue his daughter from the reptile's grip.
Karla Bredl, a wildlife park attendant, was feeding the crocodile
when she slipped and fell and was immediately attacked by the
reptile. Her father, Joe Bredl, tried unsuccessfully to beat the
crocodile with a rake.
"When (the crocodile) grabbed her across the pelvis, the rake was
doing nothing so my brother said 'bugger it'. He jumped on its back
and stuck his thumbs in its eyes and (the crocodile) ... released her,"
Rob Bredl said. "Short of a gun, nothing will stop a crocodile unless
you get into his eyes," he added.
The injuries could have been much worse if the 1,650-pound reptile,
called Solomon, had all his teeth. Solomon lost most of them while
fighting other crocodiles. Karla, 21, was in stable condition in
intensive care.
About one dozen tourists watched the horrifying attack.

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IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

   * TEHRAN, Iran (Reuters, 02-18) - HE SAID: "Believe me, over the
     past nights I have not been able to sleep at all ... I am ready to
     divorce
     her on whatever legal grounds she wishes," said an Iranian man who
     has filed for divorce because of his wife's snoring. SHE SAID: "To
     avoid divorce, I am ready to sleep during the day and stay awake at
     night so that (my husband) will not hear me snore."
   * SEVILLE, Spain (Reuters, 02-18) - Injured soccer player Marcos
     Martin was taken off the field on a golf cart when the driver passed
     too close to the post and ... Martin's head hit it, suffering a second
     injury.
   * DALLAS (UPI, 02-19) - Robert Coulson, convicted for killing five
     relatives, has dropped his attempt to claim his share of the family's
     $600,000 inheritance. (Nice guy, isn't he?)
   * LOS ANGELES (AP, 02-25) - 82-year-old Ed Harrison has the
     world's largest egg collection... over 1 million of them. Harrison
     owns
     a skyscraper, manages real estate and is the president of an oil
     company.
     "People think I'm a little drunk, and I guess I am," he said.

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THE "W-FILES" - Retrieved from our WEIRD and WACKY collection

DISHES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

   * Join us in our virtual culinary tour around the world. We'll start
     with
     some "grilled horse meat" and "broiled beetle grubs" (Japan) then
     taste
     the delicious "bear's paw stew" (China). Don't forget "fried
     grasshoppers"
     (China) and some home-made "pigs feet with bananas" (Philippines). How

     about some freshly "roasted caterpillars" (Laos), "sun-dried maggots"
     (China), "pork testicles in cream" (France) and everybody's favorite
     "stewed
     cat" (Ghana). Still hungry? Try some "stuffed calf eyes" (France),
     "baked
     armadillo" (U.S.), "barbecued cow heart" (Peru), delicious "grilled
     rat" and
     "fish sperm crepes" (France). Perhaps you may prefer "lamb brain
     tacos"
     (Mexico), "baked bat" (Samoa), or "coconut-cream marinated dog"
     (Indonesia).
     Don't forget "beef blood pudding" (Norway) and "white ant pie"
     (Zanzibar/
     Tanzania) for desert. Bon appetit.

     MILKING SNAKES From 1960 to 1970 Bernard Keyler, a supervisor at the
     South African
     Institute for Medical Research in Johannesburg milked 780,000 venomous

     snakes, without being bitten. He obtained 870 gallons of venom.

     WEIRD SEX LAWS UPDATE
   * The "Weird Sex Laws" in our last issue generated quite a few
     comments. Sorry we can't address all of them. Here is a correction
     (e-mail edition only) where we left out the state: "In Connecticut it
     is
     against the law to use condoms or any other contraceptive devices."
     Apologies to those who thought we meant "In the U.S. it is against the

     law to use condoms..." You may now slip your condoms back on.
   * Cheryl Leslie tells us that Rhode Island has a law making oral and
     anal sex illegal, under ANY circumstances.
   * Regarding the California law in our last issue, the following was
     submitted by wanted@dead.or.alive.com :
     "According to Section 288a.f.1 of the California Penal Code, the
     penalty
     for oral sex in California is up to 8 years in jail, whether you are
     married
     or not, provided that one of the two people involved is asleep. Also 8

     years for using a dildo. (section 289)."

   * This week we'll cover some U.K. weird sex laws:
     * In Liverpool there is a law making it illegal for a man to dress or
     undress
     a department store female mannequin, if children are present. Also, it
     is
     against the law for children to look under a mannequin's dress.
     * In Birmingham it is against the law to have sex "on the steps of any

     church after the sun goes down." The law is not clear whether it is
     legal to
     engage in sexual activities before the sun goes down.
     * In England, stores cannot sell Bibles on Sunday, but they are
     allowed to
     sell pornographic magazines.




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BIZZAROMsg # 3 of 200                   Date: Mon 14/07/1997,  7:59 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 37 times

     To: All
Subject: More...



NEWPORT R.I. - Picture the following scene:

Police officers are chasing a bad guy. The bad guy, Jamie Johnson, 24
years-old, is running his butt off. The police is closing in. Jamie got
balls, so he refuses to give up. Jamie decides to jump over a tall iron
fence.

One of the officers grabs his leg. There is a little scuffle, a few kicks,
but Jamie gets away and successfully jumps over the fence.
A few minutes later, the police apprehends Jamie. He is taken to the police
station, where the normal booking procedures are taking place.
One of the officers notices that Jamie is bleeding from his crotch. After a
closer examination, the officers realize that Jamie has lost his testicles.
The officers drive back to the iron fence where they find his testicles
impaled on the sharp iron fence.

During the booking procedures, not once did Jamie Johnson, cry in pain,
complain, or bring to the officers' attention that he has no more balls.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

NORTH LONG BEACH - 14-year-old Jason Warner was walking his dog, Petey, when
two young men in an old gray pick-up truck, pulled alongside, got out, put a
gun to Jason's chest and demanded the dog.

You may think this was a rare prizefighter, a show dog, or an exotic, rare
imported dog. You're wrong; Petey was an old dog with one bad eye. The
question is: Why would anyone steal a poor, blind, old dog, at gunpoint?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

IDE - William L. Suff was suspected of committing 22 murders between 1986
and 1991. He was only charged with 12 counts, due to lack of evidence. His
murders were all by strangulation.

Suff was paroled to California in 1984, from Texas where he served 10 years
of a 70-year sentence for beating his baby daughter to dead. This is what he
had to say before his sentencing:


Statement of the month:
nd the news media portrayed me to be," said Stuff, 44. "I'm just a hopeless
romantic."

Calling him a "cruel and indifferent man," a judge sentenced him to death.


------------------------------------------------------------------------


TEL AVIV - An Israeli woman's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her
husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the
Jerusalem Post reported.

The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in the living room,
stepped on it, threw it in the toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide
on it when it refused to die.

Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a cigarette.
When he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide ignited,
"seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote.

When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard
when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the
stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.

EDITORS NOTE: No report if the roach survived.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

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BIZZAROMsg # 4 of 200                   Date: Tue 15/07/1997,  6:45 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 37 times

     To: All
Subject: Latest...



Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #56 July 15, 1997
            http://www.ovis.com/          ISSN 1092-9940 ©
---------------------------------------------------------------------



>>> STUPID CRIMINALS

 Frustrated with his personal computer a man pulled a gun
and shot it. The unidentified man put four bullet holes in the
hard drive and one through the monitor. One of the bullets
went through a wall and ended up in a neighbor's unit. Police
evacuated the townhouse complex and convinced the
43-year-old man to come out. "We don't know if (the computer)
wouldn't boot up or what," Sgt. Keith Moon said. The man was
taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation. [Issaquah, Wash.,
AP, 07-11]


...Sounds like another typical Wondoze95 user to me ;>  :Zosimos



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BIZZAROMsg # 5 of 200                   Date: Tue 15/07/1997,  6:55 pm
From: XLNC                       Read: 35 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: Re: Latest...

>Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #56 July 15, 1997

Did u hear the latest...

A guy was woken in the middle of the night by his telephone...
Reached out and instead of grabbing the phone...
Grabbed his gun which was facing him.
U can guess the results...
Still wondering how the cops knew it was the phone..
                ---=== X.L.N.C wuz here ===---

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BIZZAROMsg # 6 of 200                   Date: Wed 16/07/1997,  7:11 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 34 times

     To: XLNC
Subject: Re: Latest...

>>Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #56 July 15, 1997
>
>Did u hear the latest...
>
>A guy was woken in the middle of the night by his telephone...
>Reached out and instead of grabbing the phone...
>Grabbed his gun which was facing him.
>U can guess the results...
>Still wondering how the cops knew it was the phone..

Who do you think made the phone call! ;>

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BIZZAROMsg # 7 of 200                   Date: Wed 30/07/1997,  2:48 pm
From: RASPUTIN                   Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: More...

>>>Escaped prisoner loses more than his wallet
Source: Reuters

GENOA, Italy (05-27) - An escaped prisoner was apprehended
when he reported to a police station to retrieve his lost wallet.
Luigi De Chirico, 36, escaped from a work program but lost his
wallet containing his cellular telephone number. After being
contacted by police, De Chirico arrived at the station - on a
stolen moped - and was immediately arrested. He now faces
charges of evading jail and theft.
___---------------

>>>Mother's desperate actions to save son
Source: Reuters

BUENOS AIRES (05-28) - An Argentine mother's desperate
actions saved her 7-year-old son from being kidnapped.
Monica Juncos observed her car being stolen with her son
inside and decided to take action. Juncos, 36, threw herself
in front of the car and grabbed the exhaust pipe as the vehicle
ran over her. She was dragged for nearly one block until the
thief was forced to stop because of a pothole.
Witnesses blocked the road, forced the thief out of the car
and called police. Juncos is recovering well at a local hospital.
The thief was identified as an ex-policeman.
___---------------

>>>Courthouse toilet blows up
Source: UPI
Contributor: Randy Helm [randy_helm@rocketmail.com]

SANFORD, Fla. (05-30) - Imagine sitting on a toilet and doing
your 'business' when the toilet ... blows up. That's exactly
what happened to a man using a Seminole County Courthouse
restroom.
Officials claim the explosion occurred as a result of a fire
hose pressure test conducted throughout the building. The
unidentified victim did not suffer any serious injuries. The
incident marks the second toilet explosion at the Seminole
County Courthouse in the past two years.
___--------------

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BIZZAROMsg # 8 of 200                   Date: Thu 21/08/1997,  5:29 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: More at last Smile



STUPID CRIMINALS  <-- Thats you Ras! Wink

-- Ricky Wassenaar decided to act as his own attorney after
robbing an adult theater and shooting at police officers.
Wassenaar, 34, claimed he was framed by a guy named "Jim"
who put a "date-rape pill" in his drink. He became confused,
put on a bullet-proof vest, grabbed a gun and a ski mask from
his own vehicle and committed the robbery. He also stated that
he wasn't leading police on a car chase, instead he was just
trying to get out of their way. Wassenaar also denied shooting
at officers and called himself a "fool" for being tricked by "Jim."
The jury did not buy his story and found him guilty of eight
counts of aggravated assault and one count of robbery.
[Tucson, Arizona Daily Star, 07-29]

-- A wanted fugitive was arrested after going to a police
station to ask for gas money. John William Howard, 45, of
Towson, Md., fled Maryland, where he was wanted on
sexual assault case. On his way to Arizona he decided
to stop at Brookshire Police Station to raise some gas money.
"(Howard) is one of the world's dumbest criminals," said
Brookshire Police Chief Joe Garcia. [Brookshire, Tx., AP,
07-29]

-- A young blind man was given a four-month suspended
sentence for stealing and crashing a vehicle during a wild
ride earlier this week. The 23-year-old blind man was helped
and guided with voice instructions by his girlfriend.
[Strasbourg, Fr., Soir, 07-31]

-- Kellie Parini had no problem admitting she had too much
to drink when Officer William Burt pulled her over. "You know
I'm drunk. Just take me to jail," Parini said. Officer Burt
handcuffed her and put her in the back seat of his police car
while checking on her passanger. Somehow the woman got
into the driver's seat and hijacked the police vehicle. She drove
herself to the police station. [Butte, Mont., AP, 08-01]


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BIZZAROMsg # 9 of 200                   Date: Sat 23/08/1997,  8:39 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: Hi Mom!

STRANGE LAWSUITS

--  Thomas Moringiello appealed his 18-month jail sentence
claiming the trial was prejudiced when Judge Richard Hamilton
fell asleep through parts of the testimony. Britain's Court of
Appeal rejected his claim stating that: "It does not follow that
a judge is asleep that prejudice has been caused at all."
[London, AP, 07-31]

-- A 35-year-old Japanese man filed a lawsuit against his
wife for refusing to live with him soon after their marriage.
The 33-year-old woman divorced her husband because he
demanded she do all the cooking, cleaning and house chores
even though she had a full-time job. The Tokyo Court rulled in
favor of the woman. [Tokyo, Reuter, 08-01]

-- A 32-year-old Sacramento woman is suing a hospital because
she can no longer perform oral sex to the best of her ability. The
woman accused the hospital of leaving a piece of tubing in her
throat after an operation in 1978. Although she coughed up the
object three days later, the woman claims the incident left her
with a "feeling" that something was inside her throat and "is
not able to give her partner the joy and pleasure that she thinks
is his due." She is asking for $100,000 in punitive damages in
addition to doctor and court costs. [Sacramento, NY Post, 08-01]
Reply
#2
BIZZAROMsg # 10 of 200                  Date: Sat 30/08/1997,  8:16 pm

From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: IM BACK!!!

*****************************************************************
                  Ovi's World of the Bizarre
-----------------------------------------------------------------

>>> NOISY SEX

WARENDORF, Germany (08-19, AFP) - Angry neighbors have
taken legal action against a German couple accused of making too much noise
while having sex. A court ordered the couple to stop the screaming and
moaning  while making love, or face the consequences.

Further violations of the court order may result in a $280,000 fine and/or
two years  in prison.

>>> I NEED MY TEETH

MATTAWA, Ontario (08-22, AP) - Minutes after being rescued from a fierce
hotel fire, an 88-year-old man went back inside the burning building to
retrieve his ... false teeth. Dorius St. Denis fought his rescuers while
being dragged out of the burning Trans-Canada Hotel. A few minutes later,
St. Denis escaped his rescuers and went back inside the building to
retrieve some of his belongings and his false teeth. His false teeth burned
in the fire but St. Denis was happy to be rescued again, this time carrying
a very small suitcase. "I'm 88 and four months old," he said. "I had seven
pairs of shoes in there."

>>> HIGHER POWER

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (08-20, Reuter) - A Dutch church announced plans to
sell quality heroin to addicts. Protestant Minister Hans Visser of
Rotterdam decided to start the program on a local level after his national
scheme proposal did not raise enough political interest. Visser had already
found drug dealers willing to sell heroin to the church at a discount. "It
is the best (heroin) that's for sale, abroad as well," Visser said. "If I
ask permission it will not be granted. I expect I will be having a chat
with justice officials."

>>> DANGEROUS OCCUPATION

MILWAUKEE (08-19, AP) - A robber was arrested at a local hospital while
seeking treatment for injuries caused by a couple in their 70s. The
34-year-old man broke into the couple's residence and demanded money from
the 72-year-old woman. She probably didn't like his tone of voice because
she responded by whacking him upside the head with a coffee mug. Without
giving the robber  a chance to recover, the woman's 77-year-old husband
stabbed  him with a pocket knife.  Realizing the elderly couple had the
advantage, the intruder left  and sought medical attention for a stab wound
to the abdomen.

>>> GOT INSURANCE?

HONG KONG (08-26, NT) - Surgical blunders continue in Hong Kong, with the
latest incident involving a young girl's Fallopian tube being removed when
a surgeon mistook it for her appendix, the second such incident in the last
six months. "We all make mistakes," said John Wong, head of surgery at the
Queen Mary Hospital. Earlier this month a man died after he was given a
transfusion of the wrong blood type.

>>> LIFEGUARDS TO THE RESCUE

NEW MEXICO (08-25, Reuter) - Six prisoners escaped from a county jail as
guards were admiring the female lifeguards on the television show
"Baywatch." Three of the prisoners were recaptured and told authorities
they did not plan the escape, but took advantage of everybody's "hooting
and hollering and whatnot" during the show.

>>> HIGH-RISK DRINKING

MUNICH (08-25, Reuter) - A German man almost died when he collapsed on top
of his beer glass and sliced an artery on his neck. The 36-year-old man
nearly bled to death inside a Munich beer tavern but was saved by the quick
response of a medical team. The unidentified man is recovering well at a
nearby hospital.

>>> JUNIOR, IS THAT YOU?

NORTHPORT, Ala. (08-22, AP) - Frankie and Carolyn Ash were shocked and
amazed as they witnessed their own son robbing the convenience store they
were just departing. David Ash, 21, did not notice his parents as he rushed
inside the store. "The father thought the son had to go to the bathroom or
something," said Sgt. Kevin Leib. "His mother then looked in  and saw him
with a knife behind the counter."  The couple watched in amazement as their
son drove off in his  truck. Young David experienced more trouble when his
getaway  vehicle broke down and called his parents for help. They talked
him into surrendering to authorities.


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BIZZAROMsg # 11 of 200                  Date: Sat 30/08/1997,  8:19 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: More...

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* A shopper at a Johannesburg store complained the mannequin
placed face down on a bed is in bad taste. It turns out there was
no mannequin. A worker collapsed and died three days earlier.

* A 15-year-old British girl is expecting a baby fathered by an
11-year-old boy. Emma Webster said the boy lied about his age.

* An Italian man who damaged a famous 17-century fountain
wants the city to pay for his foot injury.

* Ethiopian police arrested 12 monks for growing and selling
cannabis at the Ethiopian Orthodox Church.

* The Jamaican government's decision to distribute condoms
to prisoners and guards sparked a two-day riot which ended
in one prison inmate being burned alive and three others being
stabbed to death.

* A 23-year-old East Windsor man figured out a way to raise the
money he needed for a sex change operation. Tyieka Howell
used other people's name and personal information to purchase
expensive vehicles on credit, sold them to others and pocketed
the cash .

* A 2-year-old Pekingese dog survived after being tied to the
bumper of a truck and being accidentally dragged by his owner
for two miles at speeds up to 55 mph. "The only thing (the owner)
had the nerve to say was, it was the dog's fault for not alerting
him that he was tied back there, if you can believe that," said
Sgt. Steve Lawrence. The dog, Tippy, survived but will need
surgery. His owner was charged with animal neglect and drunken
driving.


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BIZZAROMsg # 12 of 200                  Date: Sat 30/08/1997,  8:23 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: Well I got a laugh!


Heres a couple of jpegs that made me laugh.  Big Grin

They're well worth the dload and they are very small . !


Message has attached file (MARS.JPG, 100k). Download now?  Na  Yup   Na 
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BIZZAROMsg # 13 of 200                  Date: Sat 30/08/1997,  8:28 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 25 times

     To: All
Subject: Number two

The other one Smile

Message has attached file (LOSTPUP.JPG, 51k). Download now?  Na  Yup   Na 
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BIZZAROMsg # 14 of 200                  Date: Sat  6/09/1997,  7:38 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: OVI


Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #60 Sept. 02, 1997


>>> GO GET HIM, BOY!

LANCASTER, S.C. (08-29, AP) - A police officer's unique talent
for barking like a dog was the reason a suspect came out of his
hiding spot and surrendered to authorities.
Officer Vincent Bazain was able to realistically imitate a
bloodhound's fast bark and close in on the suspect, who was
wanted on shoplifting and drug charges. "It works about 90
percent of the time," Bazain said. "Suspects don't want to be
bitten by dogs."

>>> KILLER RAT

TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras (08-27, AP, R.) - At least 13 hospital
patients died after a rat chewed through electrical wires causing
a short-circuit in the intensive care unit of the Mario Catarino
Rivasto hospital.
"All of the patients died Sunday night for lack of oxygen ... and
the nurses learned of their deaths on Monday morning," hospital
Director Gustavo Zuniga said.

>>> POLICE STATION UNDER ATTACK

ROTTERDAM, Netherlands (08-27, NT) - A police station was
evacuated and shut down for one night after it was invaded
by ... fleas.
Two officers, returning from a poor neighborhood where they
arrested a suspect, brought the insects back to the station. It
didn't take long for the fleas to take over.
The officers called pest control workers for back-up.

>>> DON'T CALL ME A DWARF!

HONG KONG (08-29, Reuter) - A man killed and dismembered
his girlfriend because she called him a dwarf.
Chan Wing-hong, 38, who is 4-foot-6, told a Hong Kong court
that Chow Mei-hing was the only woman he ever loved. Chan
spent all his money during the five-week relationship with the
prostitute because she was his "first girlfriend."
The couple argued when Chan ran out of money. "She said,
'You bloody dwarf. I see no reason I like you'," Chan said. "I
was very disappointed."
After the argument, Chan stabbed and cut her body into pieces.

>>> LOW-SPEED CHASE

SHELBY, N.C. (08-27, AP) - Tired of reading about high-speed
chases?
A suspect in Shelby tried outrunning state troopers while driving
a tractor. Officers attempted to pull over the driver because his
vehicle was missing a headlight and did not have any taillights.
The two-mile chase that reached speeds up to 25 mph ended
when the suspect ran into a mobile home. The suspect wasn't
finished, however, he threatened officers with a 21-inch sword
and refused to surrender. (proof that low-speed chases can
have dramatic endings)
Officers tear-gased and arrested 32-year-old Stephen McDaniel.

>>> BACK FROM HER GRAVE

ABID JAN, Ivory Coast (08-26, Reuter) - A two-year-old girl
was recovered alive three days after she was buried in a
village cemetery.
Grave diggers in the area heard the young girl and immediately
uncovered her grave. Minata Lafissa was taken back to her
parents in the village of Yakasse-Feyasse. Lafissa was
pronounced dead from a mystery illness.

>>> FIGHTING CRAP WITH CRAP

NEW LONDON, Conn. (08-28, NT) - The owner of several
rental properties near a sewage treatment plant wants the
city to lower his taxes because the foul odor forces him to
collect lower rents from tenants.
The man is under investigation for dumping two buckets of
manure at a recent City Hall meeting. "These people have
a right to clean air," he said. "And I need the money. I've
got a lot of bad habits to support."


>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* Gold Hill (Ore.) Police Chief Katie Holmboe has been fired
by the town council for selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of
her police car and for praying on behalf of a suspect.

* Due to a food crisis in most Zambian prisons, inmates are
forced to catch and eat snakes, lizards, owls, cats and other
wild creatures.

* Mark Gruenwald - the Marvel Comics editor for some of
the company's biggest titles including "Captain America"
and "The Avengers" - had his last wish. The 43-year-old
man's body was cremated to ash, blended with ink and made
into a comic book. The 100-page book - a reprint of his 1985
"Squadron Supreme" series - is available in comic book stores.

* Japan Airlines says "no more" to unruly passengers. New
guidelines issued by the company give attendants permission
to tie up rowdy passengers. Incidents in which flight attendants
have been attacked or humiliated have increased, a company
spokesperson said.

* The Japanese Space Agency has suspended rocket
development on Hokkaido Island after an explosion scared
500 chickens to death on a nearby farm.

* Gary Kubota, a reporter for the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, was
attacked in a Maui courtroom by a suspected killer. Daniel
Kosi, in court for the murder of a 17-year-old girl, lunged at
the reporter and bit his leg. Kubota fought back by punching
and kicking Kosi several times in the head.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 15 of 200                  Date: Tue 16/09/1997, 11:04 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: More Smile

Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #61 Sept. 10, 1997


>>> BURGLAR LOSES FINGER

WOOD RIVER, Ill. (Belleville News-Democrat, 09-09) - While trying
to steal an 800-pound safe, a burglar left behind a very crucial
piece of evidence - his finger.
Police found the finger while investigating a burglary at Chico's
Lounge. A quick check at area hospitals revealed their suspect
- Cary Rider, 43, of Ohio.
"While he was moving the safe, the safe came down on his
finger," said Police officer William Weeler.
It was too late for doctors to attempt reattachment surgery. "By
the time we found it, a couple of hours have gone by," said Weeler.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
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of bright, brainy and brilliant readers. Dirt
cheap rates. Contact us at: mailto:ovi@ovis.com
and help support this free service.
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>>> HA, I WIN!

AKRON, Ohio (AP, 09-05) - A friendly wrestling match at a family
reunion turned ugly when one man bit off a piece of a cousin's
tongue.
Antoine Gaiter pinned down his 22-year-old, then bit off a piece
of his tongue. Gaiter, 35, had been charged with assault.
Doctors failed to reattach the severed tongue.

>>> DROP YOUR SOCK!

MIAMI (Reuter, 09-09) - Police shot and wounded a man after
they mistook a sock for a weapon.
Bobby Whipple had covered his hand with a sock to work on
his car when 14 police officers surrounded him demanding "he
puts down his weapon." Five officers opened fire when Whipple
failed to "disarm" himself.
"Witnesses said that he had a gun and the officers assumed
they were correct ... He took the position of an aggressive
stance," said a police spokesperson.
Whipple, 27, is listed in good condition at Jackson Memorial
Hospital.

>>> LOW LIFE

GLOUCESTER TOWNSHIP, N.J. (CNN, 09-09) - The man who
robbed an 8-year-old girl of the $30 she earned from her lemonade
stand was arrested after he tried to snatch the purse of an
82-year-old woman.
Amy Reader opened the lemonade stand to help raise money for
her out-of-work parents. Brian James burns, 30, was arrested a
few days later after snatching a woman's purse. He was jailed in
lieu of $17,000 bail.

>>> UNDERWEAR BANDIT

KLAMATH FALLS, Ore. (AP, 09-04) - It didn't take long for police
to arrest Brant E. Kirk for burglary. Kirk, 21, left his wallet and shorts
in the front yard of the house he burglarized.
Kirk, wearing only his underwear, fled the scene after he assaulted
one of the residents. The "underwear bandit" was captured a few
hours later. He was charged with criminal mischief, burglary and
assault.

>>> VERY HUNGRY MEN

ROMEO, Mich. (AP, 09-04) - Nothing was going to stop John St.
Clair and Henry Kirst from getting to the Romeo Peach Festival's
all-you-can-eat buffet. Not even a plane crash.
Their single-engine plane stalled, crashed and skidded upside
down for about 50 yards. St. Clair, 82, and Kirst, 71, asked a
passing motorist for a ride for the rest of the way.
Neither St. Clair nor Kirst mentioned the accident to any of the
100 guests attending the buffet. Only about 90 minutes later
they mentioned their accident to the airport manager who
immediately drove to the crash site.
"They're lucky men," said airport manager Robert Brereton.
"I looked at the airplane and I said, 'My goodness.'"

>>> NO HAND, NO MONEY

NORFOLK, Va. (AP, 09-11) - The man who cut off his right
hand because he thought it was possessed by the devil has
lost his lawsuit against the doctor who followed the man's
request not to reattach it.
Thomas Passmore, 33, sawed off his right hand when he saw
the number 666, a biblical reference to the antichrist, on his
hand. Witnesses say Passmore recalled the Bible verse "If thy
right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee," seconds
before cutting it off. He refused to let doctors reattach it.
"My client is, of course, disappointed," said Passmore's attorney,
Robert Brown.

>>> THE LAWYER FROM HELL

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (NT, 09-05) - Defendant Mark Gusow
did not think his attorney was handling his perjury case well, so
he fired her. Attorney Laura Morrison did not take the dismissal
well. She invited her client outside the courtroom where she
attacked him. The 52-year-old, 150 pounds woman grabbed Gusow,
36 and 140 pounds, in a headlock, scratched his face and blocked
his way as he was trying to get free.
"She went bananas when I told her I wanted her off my case," said
Gusow. "You never expect to be attacked by your own lawyer in
the courthouse.

>>> QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

Speech to the nation by Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi which
was broadcast by Libya's state-run television:
"The Western countries might invade you one day because of
your sun. They don't have sun to produce solar energy, and
Libya is a sunny country and is the best placed on the planet
towards the sun. Sand is a raw material and the Libyan sand is
of high quality. They might colonize you for your watermelons,
which are excellent because of the quality of Libya's sand,"
said Gaddafi. "Libya has more than 1,200 km (750 miles) of
coast on the Mediterranean. They might colonize you for that.
The Libyan dates cannot be matched. They might want to
colonize you for that. The camel is also a reason for them to
invade Libya. The camel is unique because he can go for
months without drinking. He also has good milk," Gaddafi added.

   [Send in the Marines. I can only imagine myself parking my
thirsty camel on the high-quality sandy Mediterranean beach,
getting a tan from the best sun in the world while eating dates,
watermelons and washing it down with some good camel milk.
Now, that's the American dream.]


>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* A 77-year-old driver accidentally shot his wife who was sitting
in the passenger seat of their vehicle. John MacWillie, an ex-cop
from Hungtington Beach (Calif.), said he felt threatened by men
in another car when he pulled out his gun and fired.

* The 4-foot-6 Hong Kong man who killed and dismembered his
prostitute lover when she called him a "bloody dwarf" was cleared
of murder and was only charged with a lesser crime of manslaughter.
He was sentenced to five years in jail.

* Several Anamosa State Penitentiary inmates, responsible for
producing vehicle license plates, were disciplined for dropping
the letter "C" on some Cass County license plates. The new
distinctive plates read "Ass County."

* Two teenagers who tried to become vampires by exchanging
blood were charged in a juvenile court. Frank Doyle III, 17, was
charged with assault even though Brandon Hettinger asked him
to inject his blood. Hettinger, 13, was charged with being an unruly
child.

* A bank robber was arrested at a Wendy's restaurant next door
to the bank. The suspect din't even get a chance to bite into his
cheeseburger combo meal.

* A Helsinki woman was arrested for driving with more alcohol in
her blood that could be measured in a breath test. The 40-year-old
woman was taken to a hospital after maximizing the police breath
test unit. The hospital equipment recorded her alcohol blood level
at 4.5 grams.

* The Procrastinators Club of America celebrated
Be-Late-For-Something-Day last Friday. "There is nothing in this
world you can't put off until later," said Les Waas, club president.

* Dozens of pigs were sucked 100 feet into the air and blown
more than a quarter of a mile in their metal huts as a freak tornado
struck a farm near Sutton-on-Trent, Nottinghampshire.

* The woman who neglected her three children because she is
an Internet addict was placed on two years probation. Sandra
Hacker, 24, spent most of her time online and neglected her
children, ages 2, 3, and 5.

* BECKY D. of West Valley, Utah, writes:
"There is a family in West Valley who have their wedding
anniversary on September 4th. Then, their child was born the
next September 4th and their second child on September 4th the
next year. They just had their third child week (you guessed it),
September 4th. It was not planned and labor was not induced
for any of the children."



--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 16 of 200                  Date: Tue 23/09/1997,  6:16 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 23 times

     To: All
Subject: More Smile

**********************************************************************
   Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #62 Sept. 16, 1997
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 "The ultimate source covering our world's stupidity, craziness
                 and the advancement of the human race"
**********************************************************************

>>> EXTORTION RECEIPT

HONG KONG (Reuter, 09-14) - A gangster who had extorted
money from local businesses in exchange for "protection"
has been arrested after issuing a receipt - complete with his
name and ID number - to one of his victims.
Chan Koon Shing demanded HK$400 ($50 US) from a medical
clinic, claiming the business was in his gang's territory. Dr.
Lui Siu-ko asked for a receipt which he  turned over to police.
Chan was later arrested and sentenced to one year in jail.

---------------------------------------------------------------
>>>>  DID YOU KNOW you can advertise in this email
newsletter for an unbelievably low price? Reach thousands
of intelligent subscribers. Sell your products or promote
your Web site/business. Finally, affordable Net advertising
for the regular folks. Our total number of subscribers can
be verified through a third party company. For more
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>>> AMAZING OPERATION

LONDON (Reuter, 09-15) - A British doctor performed a bizarre
operation by detaching a woman's head from her spinal column,
then placed it back with a metal plate and two screws.
Bridget Fudgell, 36, suffered from a neck condition in which her
head was fixed permanently looking downwards. Neurosurgeon
Steve Gill removed the woman's head, leaving only attached to
her spinal chord, key blood vessels and the skin tissue at the
front of her neck. The 17-hour operation was successful and
the patient thanked Dr. Gill for changing her life.

>>> NAUGHTY DOG (JUDGE?)

NEW YORK (Reuter, 09-11) - A Connecticut judge is accused
of sexually harassing women by allowing his dog to assault
and interfere with their access to the courthouse.
One of the plaintiffs claims the Golden Retriever "aggressively
nuzzled" her, raised her skirt and "projected its snout upward
toward (her) crotch."
The suit alleges violation of constitutional rights and gender
discrimination because the dog only went after women wearing
skirts.

>>> CHOKING DEATH

PONTIAC, Mich. (Dallas Morning News, 09-13) - A patient
who went home from a hospital died after choking on a latex
surgical glove left inside his throat.
Authorities are investigating the choking death of 47-year-old
Gary Harmon who went home after a nine-day treatment for
asthma and emphysema at the St. Joseph Mercy-Oakland
Hospital.
"He was coughing, coughing and coughing, saying something
was there, but he couldn't get it up," said his wife, Karen Harmon.
The hospital is cooperating with the police and medical examiner
in their investigation.

>>> WHY ARE THEY DISGRUNTLED?

WHITE PLAINS, NY (AP, 09-13) - A mail carrier has been
fired after 18 years of service because her stride is too short.
Martha Cherry, 49, who is 5-foot-5, has been observed walking
her delivery route at 66 paces per minute with a stride less than
one foot. Her removal notice stated: "At each step, the heel of
your leading foot did not pass the toe of the trailing foot by more
than one inch. As a result, you required 13 minutes longer than
your demonstrated ability to deliver mail to this section of your
route."
Customers along Cherry's route have disagreed with postal
management's decision. One letter signed by more than 40
residents says: "If walking quickly is more important than kind,
sensitive service to customers, then something is seriously amiss
with the post office's priorities."
"I'm devastated," said Cherry. "My bosses are telling me that I
don't do my job, but my customers let me know that's not true."

>>> FORCED TO GET A LICENSE

PITTSBURGH, PA. (The Tribune-Review, 09-11) - A man, who
never drives a car, was ordered to get a driving license - just
so the state can suspend it.
Francis Glancy, 41, was arrested for riding his 10-speed bicycle
under the influence of alcohol. "If he doesn't go and get a
driver's license, he's gonna' end up with a criminal record,"
Assistant Public Defender Tom Caulfield said.
Glancy injured himself when he fell of his bicycle while riding
with a blood-alcohol level of 0.328 percent.

>>> SWALLOWING THE KITCHEN

TAORMINA, Italy (NT, 09-09) - An Italian doctor removed 46
teaspoons, two cigarette lighters, a pair of table thongs and
other household objects from a 45-year-old man's stomach.
The psychologically-disturbed man swallowed about 5 1/2
pounds of objects made of metal or plastic. "This is so
extraordinary that I am going to present the case to the
scientific community," said surgeon Vincenzo Morici.

>>> FRIVOLOUS INMATE LAWSUITS

WASHINGTON (AFP, 09-12) - Pennsylvania Attorney General
Mike Fisher released the "Top 10 list of frivolous inmate
lawsuits." In one case, an inmate claims his free speech was
violated when prison officials prevented him from ordering
magazines with titles such as "Gang Bang Family,"
"Cheerleader's Best Orgy" and "Daughter Loves Dog."
Another prisoner who was disciplined for having oral sex with a
visitor filed a lawsuit arguing his penis accidentally fell out of
his pants.
In another case, a prisoner alleged "that unknown law
enforcement officials are sending transmissions to a microchip
which Department of Corrections employees have surreptitiously
implanted in his brain."
Frivolous lawsuits cost Pennsylvania taxpayers $3 million each year.


>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* Donald Hunt, 21, filed a lawsuit against the Louisiana State
University, a fraternity and a local bar after a drinking incident
which left him hospitalized and his roommate dead. Hunt said
that he was forced to drink himself sick in order to join the
Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity.

* Scientists are studying the impact on global warming by the
methane gas emissions released by New Zealand's large sheep
population.

* Police authorities in Kent, UK, will not tolerate people who
abuse the 999 emergency service number. Some of the
non-emergency calls recorded last year included requests for
the frequencies of local radio stations and phone numbers for
the local Chinese restaurants. One person called the emergency
number and asked detectives to inform his mother that he was
going to be late that evening. "We're fed up of getting hoax
calls from lazy and clueless people who are wasting valuable
police time and putting lives at risk," a police source said.

* Australian paramedics were forced to stand by and watch
trains run over the body of a woman who committed suicide.
Railroad officials refused to stop the trains and allow the
paramedics to remove the body because ... it was morning rush
hour. State Transport Minister Brian Langton apologized for the
incident.

* A Chicago man claims acne medication caused him to commit
battery and sex crimes against two men. Ernie Talarico Jr. used
a stun gun to sexually molest the men in two separate incidents.
Talarico is suing the dermatologist who prescribed the medicine,
as well as the manufacturer.

* Police put out hoax messages about aliens over the South
Downs to trap people illegally tuning in to police radio frequencies.
When carloads of people turned up to see the extraterrestrials,
officers confiscated scanning equipment and warned against its use.

* A former topless dancer was sentenced to 12 to 30 months in
prison for beating up a man outside an Erie (PA.) bar. The victim,
Ronald Daniel, 27, said: "She had no regard for my life."

* Swiss police captured a burglar by analyzing the ear prints he
left on his victims' doors. The unidentified man was sentenced to
four years in prison and is believed to be responsible for more than
380 house burglaries.

* A small St. Louis company believe s it has the answer for
high-speed wireless Internet access and other data services.
The company plans to investigate the possibility of special
equipped planes flying circular paths 24 hours a day at an altitude
of over 52,000 feet.

* Honduran officials welcomed Taiwan President Lee Teng-hui by
placing full page ads in several local publications. There was only
one mistake - the ads featured the flag of the People's Republic
of China.

* A 12-year-old Romanian boy has returned home ... two months
after his funeral. Claudiu Novac was buried after police convinced
his parents that the body they have found was that of their missing
son. "We saw it wasn't our son. But the police treated us as if we
were heartless parents and forced us to say it was Claudiu," the
boy's mother said.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 17 of 200                  Date: Sun 28/09/1997,  5:31 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Come in #62, your time is up!

**********************************************************************
   Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #63 Sept. 23, 1997
            http://www.ovis.com/          ISSN 1092-9940 ©
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 "The ultimate source covering our world's stupidity, craziness
                 and the advancement of the human race"
**********************************************************************

>>> MAN ATTEMPTS SUICIDE, KILLS FIVE

PARIS (09-17) - The man responsible for blowing up an
apartment building, during an unsuccessful suicide attempt,
has been sentenced to jail for killing five innocent neighbors.
In May 1996 Jean-Marc Giordano, 32, turned on his gas
stove and calmly waited for his apartment to explode.
Giordano escaped unhurt, but five of his neighbors died
as a result of the powerful explosion.
"He was the only one that wanted to go," a spokesperson
said. Two of the three years sentence were suspended
by the judge.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> "SINFUL" ECLIPSE

LAGOS, Nigeria (09-18) - Hundreds of Muslim youths protested
the ... eclipse of the moon.
The young protesters harassed women and customers in bars
and hotels in Kaduna City.  The youths, age nine to 15,
claimed the eclipse was caused by the "sins of infidels."
Kaduma Police Commissioner Yakuba Shuaibu, a muslim
himself, says that Muslims usually gather to pray, but cannot
understand why armed youths would take to the streets to
harass people, chanting "Allah akbar" which means "God
is greatest." Usually, the youths are begging for alms on
the streets.

>>> HEAD FOUND, BODY LOST

MIAMI (09-18) - The decapitated head of a homeless man
was found near the dumpster of a furniture store, but the
body was nowhere to be found.  At least, not for two days
until after detectives had searched the garbage at the local
landfill, two miles away.
The inspectors suspect that the head was severed from
the body when a garbage truck dumped the container in
which they feel the man had been sleeping.  The head of
the unidentified man was found by store employees.
Police Detective Ed Munn said, "We were perplexed because
we couldn't find the body."

>>> FOOD ATTACK

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (09-18) - Upset that her boyfriend
returned home late, Sabina Richardson assaulted him with a
telephone, a circular saw and bombarded him with ... frozen
chicken legs. Darryl Garret, 29, took refuge inside his vehicle
and drove to his father's house where he contacted local
authorities for help. Richardson, 26, was detained by deputies.

LONGVIEW, Wash. (09-15) - Two motorists "chest-butted"
each other during a traffic dispute, and one man claims he
was assaulted with a ... burrito. Edward Rains, 56, claims
one of his teeth is now loose as a result of the "burrito attack."
Daryl Foster, 49, insists that he did not intend the assault
and was just "waving his arms around when the accident
happened."

>>> ANTI-CRIME PAYS

CLEVELAND (9-16) - Two anti-crime group leaders were
guilty of their own crime when they decided to spend
money accidentally deposited into their bank account.
The two bought a 1991 Mercedes before they returned
$146,600 of the $617.597 "bonus" deposit. The leaders,
Art McKoy and Abdul Rahim Ali Hasan, devoted to fighting
black-on-black crime, had no idea where the mysterious
money came from, but converted it into 4 checks, and
spent it anyway.  Apparently, a city employee accidentally
punched in the wrong account number, sending the money
to Black on Black Crime Inc.  The anti-crime leaders are
now being charged with grand theft.

>>> READING IS DEADLY!

SARNIA, Ont. (09-12) - A dead body, 3600 books, several
cats and filth shocked police as they entered the apartment
of a 36-year-old woman.  The woman, who had been dead for
5 weeks, had been stealing the books from the Sarnia Library
since 1991.
About 800 paperbacks and 100 hardcovers were unsalvageable,
but 2700 hardcovers will soon be available to borrow. Sarnia
libraries Director, Bob Krieg, said,"It's the oddest thing we've
had happen.  The woman had several cats and no litter box.
The toilet had overflowed long before her death...it was a
sordid mess."

>>> RUNNING NAKED

PROVIDENCE, R. I. (09-12) - A 16-year-old student received
a four-month suspension  for running naked through Coventry
High School. George Giovanis claims his action was not a
prank, he just wanted to show his Greek pride. Giovanis
told authorities that his naked sprint during school lunch
was a celebration of ancient Greek athletes who competed
naked in the Olympics. He also claimed that he was merely
supporting the city of Athens in their quest to hold the
Olympics there in 2004.
"Students are expected to wear clothing in school. Students
are not expected to create a disturbance in school relative
to appearing naked in front of 600 students," said
Superintended John Deasy who recommended the suspension.

JAKARTA, Indonesia (09-14) - An elementary school teacher
had ordered six students to run naked around the soccer field
as a punishment for tardiness and misbehavior.
Two children refused and had their ears pulled, while the other
four stripped naked and ran around the field as other students
and teachers booed them. Some of the parents filed complaints
with education officials.

>>> MAN(?) WAS PREGNANT

PATNA, India (9-17) - A hermaphrodite with a well developed
penis, one testicle, an underdeveloped scrotum, breasts and
a vagina was found to be pregnant.
Ganash Kumar Yadav, 16, sought medical help after having
back pains and profuse
bleeding. A 17-week-old dead fetus was removed from his
uterus. He claimed he didn't have sexual contact with anyone.
Dr. Kumudni Jha, a gynecologist said, "There have been
cases of true hermaphrodites," and went on to say that
"auto fertilization is a far fetched possibility."
Yadav considers himself male.

>>> ANYTHING FOR LOVE

TEHRAN (09-18) - A young man staged a crime and got
himself thrown in jail just so he can get permission to marry
from his fiancee's father. His future father-in-law was serving
a life sentence for drug trafficking.
Ahmad faked a purse snatching crime and landed in jail
where he volunteered to become a "maid" for his fiancee's
father. "I washed his clothes and cleaned his cell for several
months, and managed to establish a friendly tie with him,"
Ahmad said. "After gaining his confidence, I raised the issue
(asking for his daughter's hand in marriage). He first opposed
the idea, but when I told him the story, he laughed and said
'what love can do to some people'," he added.
Ahmad was released from jail and the couple are planning
their wedding.

>>> MAN CLAIMS COPS NOT HARD ENOUGH ON HIM

LEXINGTON, Ky. (09-17) - A drunkard is suing law enforcement
because officers were too easy on him and gave him a chance
to shoot innocent people.
Michael F. Schmitz claims that at the time of his arrest police
officers handed him back a SKS Assault Rifle with 27 rounds
when they couldn't figure out how to operate it. Officers
instructed him to dismantle and remove the clip from the
weapon, even though he was drunk and violet at the time.
In his $1.9 million lawsuit Schmitz says that he could very
easily have started shooting people and that the police
should never have given the weapon back to him once they
had seized it.  He believes that society should be protected
from the likes of him and his lawsuit will teach the police
officers a lesson.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> DR. EASY RIDER

ROTTERDAM (09-23) - A Dutch trainee surgeon of a hospital
in Rotterdam was fired on the spot yesterday. The surgeon,
who was 3 months away from completing his training, had
been driving through the hospital on his Harley Davidson
motorcycle during visiting hours.
On his way through the corridors he caused a lot of
commotion among patients, visitors and staff. According to
witnesses the man even passed the intensive care ward
before he was finally stopped.
The reason for his crazy ride are unknown at the moment.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 18 of 200                  Date: Wed  1/10/1997,  9:27 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Bizarre injury

I found this on the net and thought that it made an interesting read. Smile
Zos.

Perhaps the most noted injury was that reported by Harlow and commonly
known as "Bigelow's Case" or the "American Crowbar Case" . Phineas P. Gage,
aged 25, a foreman on the Rutland and Burlington Railroad, was September
13, 1847, in charging a hole with powder preparatory to blasting.

A premature explosion drove a tamping iron, three feet seven inches long,
1 3/4 inches in diameter, and weighing 3 1/4 pounds, completely through the
man's head.   <-Ouch! <Zos>

The iron was round and comparatively smooth; the pointed end entered first.
The iron struck against the left side of the face, immediately anterior to
maxillary, and passed under the zygomatic arch, fracturing portions of the
sphenoid bone and the floor of the left orbit; it then passed through the
left anterior lobe of the cerebrum, and, in the median line, made its exit
through the junction of the coronal and sagittal sutures, lacerating the
longitudinal sinus, fracturing the parietal and frontal bones, and
breaking up considerably the brain; the globe of the left eye protruded
nearly one-half of its diameter.

The patient was thrown back and gave a few convulsive movements of the
extremities. He was taken to a hotel 3/4 mile distant, and during the
transportation seemed slightly dazed, but not at all unconscious. Upon
arrival at the hotel he dismounted from the conveyance, and without
assistance, walked up a long flight of stairs to the hall where his wound
was to be dressed.

Harlow saw him at about six o'clock in the evening, and from his condition
could hardly credit the story of his injury, although his person and his
bed were drenched with blood. His scalp was shaved, the coagula and other
debris removed, and omong other pieces of bone was a piece of the anterior
angle of each parietal bone and a semicircular piece of the frontal bone,
leaving an opening 3 1/2 inches in diameter. At 10 pm on the day of the
injury Gage was perfectly rational and asked about his work and friends.

After a while, delerium set in for a few days, and on the eleventh day he
lost the vision in his left eye. His convalescen was rapid and uneventful.
It was said that he discharged pieces of bone and cerebral tissue from his
mouth for a few days. The iron, when found, was smeared with blood and
cerebral substance. As was most natural, such a wonderful case of cerebral
injury attracted much notice.

Not only was the  case remarkable in the apparent innocuous loss of
cerebral substance, but in the singular chance which exempted the brain
from either concussion or compression.

...I wonder if he took the week off on ACC? ;>

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 19 of 200                  Date: Wed  1/10/1997,  9:41 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: News groups


This has got to be one the best tag lines I have seen in a newsgroup.
Talk about attracting attention to yourself! :>


--
<\___/>      | For the spooks: plutonium semtex CIA MI5 FBI
/ O O \      | Clinton Khadaffi Hussein stealth fighter
\_____/ FTB. | soviet suitcase bomb warhead cryptography
Reply
#3
BIZZAROMsg # 20 of 200                  Date: Wed  1/10/1997, 10:40 pm

From: XLNC                       Read: 20 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: Re: Bizarre injury

>Perhaps the most noted injury was that reported by Harlow and commonly
>known as "Bigelow's Case" or the "American Crowbar Case" . Phineas P. Gage,
>aged 25, a foreman on the Rutland and Burlington Railroad, was September
>13, 1847, in charging a hole with powder preparatory to blasting.

I liked the one where a guy was shot in the head with a crossbow and
it missed the eye, went between the hemispheres of the brain and lodged
in the back of his head. No major damage and no later side effects.

As for explosions, the 1950ish one where a ship load of fertiliser caught
alight, and ended up exploding..
It was registered on seismic equipment 120 miles away, a 2 tonn girder
was thrown from a dockside building 2 miles.
I have a doc on it on vid somewhere...

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 21 of 200                  Date: Mon  6/10/1997,  7:39 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 20 times

     To: XLNC
Subject: Re: Bizarre injury

>As for explosions, the 1950ish one where a ship load of fertiliser caught
>alight, and ended up exploding..
>It was registered on seismic equipment 120 miles away, a 2 tonn girder
>was thrown from a dockside building 2 miles.
>I have a doc on it on vid somewhere...

Yes thats one of my favorites too.
The fire was started by an idiot that thought it was okay to smoke while
loading ammonium<sp> nitrate. DOH!

The entire ship went up and flattened ten blocks of the town I believe.

I was telling a friend about the stuff I post in this sub and he told me of
a story that he had read of just recently.
.......................................

Apparently a couple of guys took their brand-new Jeep onto a lake in Canada
to do some duck shooting. Apon finding the lake completely frozen they
decided to drive out as far as they could in their new 4x4  and blast a hole
in the lake ice with dynamite, thinking that once the ducks could see an
open area of water they would land and then they could shoot them and have
their dog retrieve the ducks.

They parked the Jeep at a safe distance and proceeded to light and throw a
stick of dynamite out as far as they could.
Too their absolute horror the dog took off after the dynamite and returned
with it in its mouth, they ran and the dog ran after them. In desperation
they tried to shoot the dog with their shot-guns, but as they were loaded
with only bird-shot, all they did was confuse the dog with a few pellets to
the nose. Finally, injured and confused the dog took shelter under the jeep.

The rest is history, suffice to say that they lost the dog and the jeep,
which sunk beneath the ice. They then had to walk home.
Then just to make things worse the insurance company would not pay out as
they had no licence to use dynamite.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 22 of 200                  Date: Tue  7/10/1997,  6:51 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: More.

>>> E-MAIL RELATIONSHIP ENDS IN HANGING

LOS ANGELES (9-23) - An 11-year-old boy was found hanging
by his bathrobe belt  from the shower rail in his bathroom.
Apparently, his girlfriend  had sent him e-mail, informing him
she no longer wished to see him. They had met only one month
earlier at summer camp.  Distraught over the breakup, the boy
sent back a message, saying she would no longer hear from him.
The boy didn't respond when the girl asked, "Do you mean suicide?"


------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. (9-23) - After breaking into and ransacking
a home, a burglar took off his shoes, climbed into bed and fell
asleep.
Vernon Poochigian, 18, arrived home and found the burglar,
Jeffrey Abbott, who only moaned when Poochigian tried to
wake him.  He called the police, who woke the snoring man
and arrested him.
Abbott had loaded two shotguns and placed them on two
1960's muscled cars which he tried to start by forcing a
screwdriver in the ignition.  Abbot was charged with one
count of burglary and two counts of attempted auto theft.
What was the worst part?  According to Poochigian's father
it was that Abbott had walked on the roof of his 1967 Ford Cobra.

>>> RUNNING TO THE LAW

TAMPA (9-24) - A Tampa man, fleeing from the scene of a
carjacking, escaped to the city mayor's house.
Apparently, an officer stopped a carjacking in progress, then
chased Vincent Ford over the wall of a condominium, through
a swimming pool, and straight to the mayor's front door.  Ford
tried to break in by breaking a glass panel on the door, but
the mayor, Dick Greco, and his wife heard the intruder and
ran upstairs to get their handgun.
The intruder was arrested and treated for cuts from the glass.
According to Tampa Police, "There was no indication the
suspect knew the home he broke into belonged to the mayor."

>>> YOUNG MAN OVERCOME BY SENIOR CITIZENS

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (9-25) - A 17-year-old was overtaken by
two senior citizens when he tried to rob the establishment
where they were eating.
Apparently, Dervonne Marquise Moore, 17, walked into the
diner with a loaded shotgun, grabbed a waitress and demanded
that she open the cash register.  Patron Oscar Moore, 69,
pulled out his .22-caliber revolver and shot the teen in the stomach.
 As the robber tried to flee, Robert Guerry, 81, fired at him as he
left.  The young man was arrested later at the hospital and
charged with armed robbery.  Oscar Moore, no relation to the
thief, said,"We the people have to start protecting ourselves."

>>> MAN CHOPS OFF WIFE'S NOSE

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (09-29) - A man was arrested for
chopping off his wife's nose during a petty domestic argument.
"My hands and legs were tied and then my husband took a
kitchen knife and chopped off my nose," said 30-year-old
Nursat Parveen.
Apparently, the husband became angry when his wife criticized
one of the couple's eight children for not doing some domestic
chores.
"Ignoring my cries for mercy, he brought a kitchen knife and a
pair of scissors and chopped off my nose and hair," Parveen added.

>>> NO DINNER, NO EAR

MEXICO CITY (9-24) - A woman who refused to serve dinner to
her drunk husband had part of her ear bitten off in retaliation.
Francisco Ambrosio arrived home and started a fist fight with
his wife, Adelia Oliveras Quintero.  In the process, Ambrosio
took a bite out of Quintero's right ear and about one and a
half inches are now missing.
The incident follows "the bad example of Mike Tyson" who bit
off Evander Holyfield's ears during their June 28th title fight.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> jesus christ™™™™ LEFT INHERITANCE

LONDON (9-23) - jesus christ™™™™ has been left 26,406 British
pounds by a religious recluse.
Earnest Digweed died 21 years ago, and stipulated that his estate
should be invested for 80 years after his death.  If  jesus christ™™™™
returned during that time, then all the investment income would go
to him. After  80 years, the investment should go towards the
Crown. Hundreds of claims have been filed, but the money is
being turned over to the public funds.
An American door-to-door salesman claims he is entitled to the
money, though, because after  knocking on doors, he was often
greeted with the response,"jesus christ™™™™, not you again!"

>>> BENCHED ATHLETE SUES FOR $40,000

HOUSTON (9-23) - A former baseball pitcher is suing his high
school and some of his coaches for $40,000.  The boy and his
parents believe that he was deprived of his constitutional rights
by being benched during a baseball playoff game and are suing
for the equivalent amount of a college scholarship, as wells as
losses from a potential  professional career.
If the suit makes it to trial, it could make way for other lawsuits
from disgruntled would-be sports stars.

>>> BURGLAR TRADES UNDERWEAR

EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. (09-25) - A home burglar stole a pair
of underwear and white socks, leaving behind his own dirty
underpants and socks.
Apparently, the thief changed his clothes and made off with
a duffel bag containing some valuables. He was gone by the
time police arrived at the scene.
"Maybe he was a homeless person who decided he needed a
change of clothes," Major Gallagher said.

>>> DIVORCE GOES TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER

BLENHEIM, New Zealand (9-25) - Last year a vasectomy, this
year a divorce.  That's what's being offered by solicitor Libby
Lockhart at this year's Angel Touch auction, which provides
financial aid for women entering the work force.
There are conditions, though.  The couple must have been
separated for two years, the divorce must be amicable and it
must be used before the end of 1999.
Toni Gillian, auction organizer, said that people are welcome to
place absentee bids.  Lockhardt says that she's not promoting
the break-up of marriages, but "we're here to offer a service."


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 23 of 200                  Date: Thu  9/10/1997,  6:16 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Come in #65!

**********************************************************************
   Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #65 Oct. 07, 1997

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 "The ultimate source covering our world's stupidity, craziness
                 and the advancement of the human race"
**********************************************************************

>>> YOUR HEART OR MINE?

LEESBURG, Va. (10-01) - He did an autopsy on the body and
kept the heart and larynx as a souvenir. Now the family of
Carlye Jo Harris, who died while scuba diving in Mexico,
wants the parts back.
Joseph M. Ballo was asked to return the organs and refused,
so is now being arraigned on charges of theft.  Ballo's attorney
said it's normal to keep tissues after autopsies, but the family
won a court judgement asking for the return of the organs and
were still unable to recover them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> CUT OR DIE

ELLS, Maine (10-02) - A lobsterman used a knife to cut off his
own arm after it got caught in a winch aboard his boat.
Doug Goodale, 33, says he did not hesitate to severe his own
arm in order to save his life. The bizarre accident took place
aboard his 22-foot lobster boat when he tried shutting off the
winch motor resulting in his right arm getting trapped into the
device.
"I had a knife there, and I just started cutting. If I didn't, I was
dead meat," said Goodale.

>>> CREEPY CRAWLIES

NELSON, New Zealand (10-02) - She shakes, she sweats, and
she's apt to panic and scream in terror.  That's the reaction of
mail sorter  Linda Worrall to a new series of New Zealand
postage stamps that feature "creepy crawlies".
Worrall is an arachnophobic, a person with a severe fear of
spiders, and thinks that the stamp with a katipo, a poisonous
spider with a sometimes fatal bite, is "something that could
come off the page".
She's been given a week of special leave, but is not optimistic
because she had tried counseling without success before.  This
time, though, she's "motivated by the need to hold onto her job."

>>> SMOKING (AND SMOKERS) CAN KILL

CAIRO (09-30) - Tired of his friend's nagging advice to quit
smoking, Seyyed Lofti Seyyed killed him during a furious attack.
Seyyed used a broken bottle to assault his 17-year-old friend,
Erfat Raggab, who eventually bled to death from the injuries.
Apparently, Raggab's concern for his friend's
health and his continuous advice to stop smoking was the
sole reason for the assault.

>>> DEAD AGAIN

NEWPORT, VA. (9-29) - A man, pronounced dead and ready
for organ harvesting, was actually ... alive.
Harry E. Kyzer, 35, was found at his home, hands and feet tied,
comatose from a bullet wound.  He was pronounced dead, but
placed on life support for 9 hours to maintain his organs for
harvesting.  When he was taken off life support, he was found
to be breathing on his own, although there was minimal brain
function.
The doctors reversed the declaration of death, but at 8:40, his
brained ceased functioning.  He was again pronounced dead,
and his organs are still being used for transplants.

>>> LET HER SLEEP, SHE'S DEAD (DRUNK)

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (09-29) - The body of a dead woman
was towed for about 10 miles without anyone realizing she
was dead.
Tamara Vantil. 19, was a passenger in a 1991 Mazda vehicle
which was involved in a road accident. The driver and a
back-seat passenger did not suffer any injuries, and assumed
that Ms. Vantil was passed out due to a heavy drinking night.
They decided to let her "sleep" while their vehicle was getting
towed back to the owner's residence.
Authorities believe that Ms. Vantil, who was wearing a seatbelt
at the time of the accident, died instantly from a broken neck.

>>> BOOTY CALL

GENEVA (09-30) - The police received a phone call from the
trunk of a car. Apparently, a Serbian Man was the victim of a
hijacking by a Macedonian man, and was placed in the boot.
Luckily, the 21-year-old Serb had his mobile phone and called
the police, who chased the car through the back streets of
Berne.  The victim knew his kidnapper and was able to help
officers throughout the chase.

>>> HOT MAIL DELIVERY

ZURICH, Switzerland (10-01) - Residents of an apartment
unit were not home to personally receive the parcel delivered
by their local mail carrier. The postal worker simply placed it
on top of their mail box and went about his business. Nothing
unusual, except that the parcel fell and somehow jammed the
doorbell causing an electrical short circuit, which in turn caused
a major fire.
Eleven firefighters eventually extinguished the fire which caused
$33,000 worth of damage.

>>> ANIMAL INSTINCT

ZAGREB, Croatia (09-29) - When her little poodle was attacked
by a mean pit bull terrier she did not just watch in horror from
the second-story window. She took action.
Although Dagmar Vidovic broke her ankle when she jumped off
the second-floor window, she ignored the pain and poked the
bull terrier in the eyes. When she realized that wasn't enough
she started biting the beast's throat. Finally, the bull terrier
came to the conclusion he is no match for the wild woman and
gave up the little poodle.
Vidovic, limping badly from her ankle injury, marched triumphantly
towards the house with her little poodle, Zeni, safely in her arms.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* A citizen's arrest was performed on a monkey and his owner
after the animal was caught stealing a television antenna in
Cotonou, Benin. The Ghanian man was accused of training
the monkey to steal.

* Authorities in Elyria (Ohio) suspect foul play in the incident
involving a cat being dumped inside an operational washing
machine. The cat, nicknamed 'Maytag' (we swear we didn't
make this up), "could not even stand" after it completed the
spin cycle.

* A Belgian judge received a one year jail term sentence and
100,000 francs fine for practicing S&M (sado-masochistic) sex
with his wife. Both sentences were suspended.

* Charles Dupon, 52, was arrested for stealing 105 pairs of
panties from one of his neighbors, an activity which is
believed to have started 16 years ago. "The woman realized
'I buy a lot of underwear -- where is it all going?'," said Oxford
County Police Supervisor Arthur Dean.

* The British owner of an import-export business will have to
pay one of his previous female employees $48,000 for giving
her a 12-inch wooden penis as a gift. Maxine Brooks, 55,
received the souvenir when her boss returned from a business
trip to Indonesia.

* The British Inland Revenue has announced plans to start
collecting taxes from prostitutes and call girls by deploying
2,000 new tax inspectors to a search, find and collect mission.
According to a Revenue spokesman the inspectors, nicknamed
"ghostbusters", will "ring up the numbers from cards left in
telephone booths."

* Scientists have described how female wasps use "aggressive
behavior" against males by wrestling them down, stinging them
and "repeat stuffing" their heads into empty nest cells.

>>> QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"I think my head was so far down in his mouth that I touched
his taste buds. When he tasted me, I think that's why he let
me go."

James Morrow after his near-death
experience with an 11-foot alligator.


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 24 of 200                  Date: Thu  9/10/1997,  6:18 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 20 times

     To: SCOOBY SNACKS
Subject: I think I have a photo of this guy... :>


<Digs through countless gifs>   shuffle shuffle sort sort....

Aah yes here it is ;>      (takes about 20-30 seconds to download) Smile

Message has attached file (JOJO.JPG, 40k). Download now?  Na  Yup   Na 
--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 25 of 200                  Date: Fri 10/10/1997,  6:43 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Edited OVI just as a test .




IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:


* Evander Holyfield's lawyers have demanded that the Candy Factory
immediately stop selling the "Earvander-Tyson Bites," an ear-shaped
chocolate with a small piece missing.

* Seven women drowned while attempting to save a sheep that fell into
the waters of the Narmada Canal in India.

* The mother of a Maine murderer tried to deliver a pair of athletic shoes
with hacksaw blades hidden underneath the insoles. A routine inspection
revealed three hacksaw blades ranging from six to 14 inches long

* A group of Maine lawmakers think it's time for the state to get rid of
archaic laws that are not needed anymore. One such law calls for  $100
afine for ridiculing someone who refuses to engage in a duel. "We just have
not had a lot of (duels) lately and there isn't a lot of sense into having
it on the books," said Rep. Charles LaVerdiere.

* In another bizarre surgery attempt, this time in Australia, doctors
reattached a 28-year-old woman's face as a result of a farm machinery
accident. The woman's face and scalp were torn off when her hair caught
in a milking shed. According to doctors, only her chin and one ear
remained attached to her bare skull.

* An armed German robber was so drunk at the time he demanded money from a
bank teller ... he dropped his gun. The 34-year-old criminal tried getting
away when the quick-acting teller kicked the weapon away from him. Leipzig
police captured the suspect.

* The cordless phone bandit has been captured. Thomas Roche III, 36, has
admitted breaking into several homes and stealing portable elephones which
the used to call phone sex lines. Police said Roche made $10,000 worth of
calls to 0900-number phone lines.

* Police officers in Colorado Springs had a 3-hour standoff with ...
nobody. Acting on a tip from a bail bondsman, officers surrounded the
house, shut off traffic, attempted to negotiate, fired gas grenades, threw
in a "flashbang" bomb and sent in a remote-controlled camera before
realizing the house was empty.

* A jury found Howard Burke guilty of murder. Authorities are trying to
find out how is it possible that the lawyers, prosecutors, judge nd even
athe court stenographer thought the jury foreman said: "Not guilty." This
allowed Burke to walk out of the courtroom a free man. Following the
advice of his own attorney, Burke, 35, gave himself up and his legal team
is trying to use the confusion  to keep him out of jail. The mistake was
discovered when two  jurors saw the man they just convicted walking out of
the courthouse buildin

* Computer experts claim they have invented the most powerful
computer software in the world. Programmers at the Cybernetics Institute of
the Ukrainian Academy have developed the software which "imitates the
capabilities of the human brain." The "neuro-constructor" allows the
computer to identify subjects, smells and recreate images. "The capability
of the software to detect counterfeit banknotes was a complete surprise
for the designers themselves," said project author Alexander Reznik.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 26 of 200                  Date: Fri 10/10/1997,  6:52 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Damn file attachments...


This one made me think of XLNC :>

Although not for any reason other than his devil-may-care attitude. Smile


(50k about 32 seconds)

Message has attached file (NIGEL.JPG, 50k). Download now?  Na  Yup   Na 
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BIZZAROMsg # 27 of 200                  Date: Sat 11/10/1997,  5:57 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: You cant say I dont try ;>


*** Ten Words that don't appear in the dictionary but probably should!! ***

1.-AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
  Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub taps on and off with your toes.

2.-CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
  The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at
  least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
  putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3.-DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
  To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,
  assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4.-ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n.
  The actions of two people maneuvering for one arm rest in a movie theatre.

5.-FRUST (frust) n.
  The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and
  keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up
  and sweep it under the rug.

6.-LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n.
  Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one
  has to resort to the "illegal side".

7.-PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.
  The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking
  around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8.-PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
  The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting who you were
  calling just as they answer.

9.-PUPKUS (pup' kus) n.
  The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.- TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
  The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it
  up, even if your only six inches away.


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 28 of 200                  Date: Sun 12/10/1997,  7:29 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: TV Land

What the World is Like in TV Land:


1. If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

2. Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased by a
   maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.

4. The suburbs are exciting.

5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

6. Good guys are always outnumbered.

7. Good guys always win and get the girl.

8. Good guys are always good looking.

9. Ugly people are always bad guys.

10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.

11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.

12. Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness.

13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.

14. Cars will explode in all accidents.

15. Everyone has a 'dark' secret.

16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.

17. Haunted houses are never locked.

18. The police are smart.

19. good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.

20. All Chinese people know Karate.

21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.

22. Rich people are unhappy.

23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.

24. Indians make good cannon fodder.

25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

26. Computers never crash.

a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.

b) Computers know everything.

c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything

d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info

27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from
    the corner of their mouth.

28. No one farts, except after eating beans.

29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 ot 40 bad guys.

30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never
    stick around to see if it works.

31. Christmas Eve and halloween night last for three or four days.

32. Movies based on true stories are made up.

33. Police never wait for back-up.

34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.

35. Private detective work is glamorous.

36. All baseball games will be wom with a home run in the bottom of the
    ninth and two outs.

37. All police killings are in self-defense.

38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.

39. Good guys don't take drugs.

40. The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate
    to have sex with pennyless young guys.

41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in
    a hurry.

42. High School students look thirty years old.

43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.

44. Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car
    chases.

45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.

46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.

47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone tha
    went into that dark cellar never came out.

48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.

49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.

50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes
    with commercials.

51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the vict
    seeing or hearing him until the he is about to drive a huge carving knif
    or pitchfork into them.

52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it

53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants
    to kill.

54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind
    them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they
    chasing.

55. No-one *ever* locks a car when they get out of it (even in NY).

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 29 of 200                  Date: Mon 13/10/1997,  2:26 am
From: AIMEE                      Read: 17 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: Re: TV Land

>What the World is Like in TV Land:

And not to forget:

All women with a rapist/stalker/stupid ex-boyfriend in the house *always*
has one of those chain locks, and can't use them;

With the computers, you get unlimited tries for the password;

And

The Sailor Moon Memorial Thingy:

The bad guys are always oriental :>

Things I'd do if forced into a tv program: (Can you tell that I only
know the colour code for yellow?  Amazing how SysOps never use 'em)

If caught in one of those stupid Candid Camera catchouts:

Fake a heart attack.  As they call 111, yell CANDID CAMERA!  (Amazing.  For
the past year in my dreams it's always 911.)

If in a film about a woman being used as a hostage, the usual rubbish:

Fake fainting.  Like, duh.

Frag.. what was the other one.

Can't remember.  Too much wine.  :>
Reply
#4
BIZZAROMsg # 30 of 200                  Date: Tue 14/10/1997,  7:41 pm

From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: TV Land

>>What the World is Like in TV Land:
>
>And not to forget:
>
>All women with a rapist/stalker/stupid ex-boyfriend in the house *always*
>has one of those chain locks, and can't use them;
>
>With the computers, you get unlimited tries for the password;
>
>And
>
>The Sailor Moon Memorial Thingy:
>
>The bad guys are always oriental :>
>
>Things I'd do if forced into a tv program: (Can you tell that I only
>know the colour code for yellow?  Amazing how SysOps never use 'em)
>
>If caught in one of those stupid Candid Camera catchouts:
>
>Fake a heart attack.  As they call 111, yell CANDID CAMERA!  (Amazing.  For
>the past year in my dreams it's always 911.)
>
>If in a film about a woman being used as a hostage, the usual rubbish:
>
>Fake fainting.  Like, duh.

You need to drink more often! This is the longest and best reply I've had
from you! Smile   Cheers! Wink

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 31 of 200                  Date: Tue 14/10/1997,  7:45 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Is this Bizarre enough ?  :>


From the pages of the "Los Angeles Times"..........

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake  City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tibe up his rectum and slippped Raggot, our gerbil,
in", he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd
had enough. I tryed to retrieve Ragggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract
him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the
tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also
set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger
pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a
cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract.

Big Grinamn! Thats another night-time activity thats gotta stop.  :> ZOS



--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 32 of 200                  Date: Tue 14/10/1997,  7:49 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Nother one.


ASSORTED BUMPER STICKERS


   Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
   No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.
   My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
   Cats Flattened While You Watch.
   I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.
   Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
   Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.
   Quit Sniveling.
   Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.
   Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray
   Happiness is Coming.
   Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?
   Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
   Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
   I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
   Blood Sun Earth
   Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.
   Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
   Disarm Rapists
   Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
   Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.
   Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?
   My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
   My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
   I brake for Hallucinations.
   Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
   Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home
   If You Love Jesus Tithe - Any Fool Can Honk
   I'm OK. You're So-So.
   Will Rogers Never Met Howard Cosell.
   Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.
   "Telling an Old Person He's Useless
   Is Abortion on the Other End"
   Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
   Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco
   If Men Could Have Abortions, It Would Be a Sacrament
   Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed
   Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]
   Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
   If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
   This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
   Black Holes Suck.
   And Finally, "Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers."

Yawn :>

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 33 of 200                  Date: Tue 14/10/1997,  7:59 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: What about Cartoons then?

Cartoon Law of Physics



Cartoon Law I
=============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He loiters in
midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down.  At this
point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.


Cartoon Law II
==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are
so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called
this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.


Cartoon Law III
===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to
its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of
victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so
eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving
a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.


Cartoon Law IV
==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably
unsuccessful.


Cartoon Law V
=============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.  The feet of a character
who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.


Cartoon Law VI
==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's
head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several
places simultaneously.  This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled.  A `wacky' character has the option of self-
replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve
the velocity required.


Cartoon Law VII
===============
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is
known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an
opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.  The
painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the
painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.


Cartoon Law VIII
================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion- pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed.  After a ew moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
felongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.


Cartoon Law IX
==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.


Cartoon Law X
=============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of
watching it appen to a duck instead.


Cartoon Law Amendment A
=======================
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.


Cartoon Law Amendment B
=======================
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously non- existent
objects appear from behind their backs at will.  For instance, the Road
Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.


Cartoon Law Amendment C
=======================
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.


Cartoon Law Amendment D
=======================
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine
suspended over a large vertical drop.  Its feet will begin to fall  first,
causing its legs to stretch.  As the wave reaches its torso, that part
will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech.  As the head begins to
fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions
until such time as it strikes the ground.


Cartoon Law Amendment E
=======================
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon
laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which
postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause the
creation of hydrogen from nothing.  Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick
sized) and unstable (lit).  Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces
generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B,
which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta
to their advantage.  One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and  energy
result from primal masses of dynamite exploding.  A big bang indeed.

Sorry if it was a bit long. ZOSIMOS Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 34 of 200                  Date: Wed 15/10/1997,  6:43 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: This weeks offering

I've edited it down a little Smile  ZOS

**********************************************************************


ORANGE PARK, Fla. (10-03) - A 14-year-old boy shot his sister
because she ... was on the telephone too long.
Katharyn Micheliche, 15, suffered minor injuries when her
brother shot her with a .22-caliber pistol. The State Attorney's
Office will soon determine if John Raul Micheliche will be
charged as an adult.

---------------------------------------------------------------------


>>> DOC, STOP THE DARN MUSIC IN MY DENTURES!!
       (OR SHOW ME HOW TO CHANGE THE STATION)

BUDAPEST (10-04) - A Hungarian man went back to his
dentist and said he can't sleep because his new dentures
are broadcasting the state radio station 24-hours a day.
The dentist accompanied the 69-year-old patient back home
and sure enough, the sound of music was loud and clear.
Everything was fixed when the doctor laced the man's mouth
with extra-thin wire causing a short-circuit in the receiver.


>>> RIGHT MIRACLE SAVES MAN

BUDAPEST (10-01) - A teenager who got stabbed in an
argument over money was saved by a miracle. The knife
stab, which was supposed to penetrate his heart, didn't --
because his heart was on the wrong side (right side) of his
body.
Doctors said the 18-year-old man had a medical irregularity
which affects one in 3,500 people.


>>> "HO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME!"

HONG KONG (10-03) - A 35-year-old woman, identified only as
Ho, has been arrested for sexually assaulting a man on a bus
in the North Point district of Hong Kong.
The woman tried forcing the 49-year-old man to make love to
her on the bus and even attempted to unzip the bus driver's
pants. She was released on bail and is scheduled to attend
a court hearing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

*  A Kenyan gangster was pronounced dead as a result of a
shoot-out with local police. When the truck transporting the
body to the city mortuary reached its destination ... the body
was gone.

* A blind man, that bit his guide dog because it couldn't
understand his instructions while he was drunk, won his
appeal against a life ban from keeping a dog.

* The world's shortest man, 22.1 inches tall, died in New
Delhi last week. Gul Mohammed, 36, died of lung complications.

* A man, who admitted being drunk at the time his speeding
truck killed two people, is now accusing the state police
because "they failed to respond quickly enough" and could
have prevented the accident.

* Warner Bros. has full rights over the name "Tasmanian Devil"
and not even the people of Tasmania are allowed to use it --
even though the animal is a native of their land. Tasmanian
officials are currently negotiating with the U.S. entertainment
company and hope to reach an agreement.


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 35 of 200                  Date: Wed 15/10/1997,  6:44 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Road Kill, well kinda.

Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991

(The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the
foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from
one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall...)

Perils of Road Testing No. 23

Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed
road kill ever recorded during _Motorcyclist_ testing. In fact, due to the
size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was
required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA,
the National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of  Records. We quote
the official FAA report.

"During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist's_ desert test
complex, staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate  of
speed whilst quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit.
Operating under Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard
on the road surface ahead, eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT).

Apparently distracted by a particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said
buzzard failed to initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in
the early phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst (traveling at approx-
imately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was imminent.
Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing root,
resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the bird's flight-
control system.
Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily immediately after impact but
maintained control of his vehicle.

Later examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its
energy- absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.

"Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing
power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of
substantial height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down
attitude.
There was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and
had not filed a flight plan.

"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 36 of 200                  Date: Fri 17/10/1997,  7:01 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Coupla jokes aye! Wink

 A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders and
used it quite often.  But one day the officer found traffic surprisingly
tame.  After a long while, the officer found the reason: a 10 year old boy
was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which
said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,
another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading
"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
   ============================================

 The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for
speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.  When he walked
up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going
to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."   He replied, "No,
highway patrolmen don't have balls."
  There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd said.  He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

  =============================================

   A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.  He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that
contained another picture... of handcuffs.

  =============================================

  True story from Orange County:

 A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.  His friends plead with
him to let them take him home.  He says no... he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and
ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
 Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house just a block away.  The police tell the party
animal to stay put, they will be right back and they run down the street to
the robbery.
 The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.  When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might
come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
  A few hours later the police knock on the door.  They ask if Mr. X lives
there and his wife says yes.  They ask to see him and she replies that he
is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.  The police have his
driver's license.  They ask to see his car and she asks why.  They insist
on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where
they find the police car, lights still flashing.


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 37 of 200                  Date: Fri 17/10/1997,  7:09 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: I think I missed one %)


**********************************************************************


ORANGE PARK, Fla. (10-03) - A 14-year-old boy shot his sister
because she ... was on the telephone too long.
Katharyn Micheliche, 15, suffered minor injuries when her
brother shot her with a .22-caliber pistol. The State Attorney's
Office will soon determine if John Raul Micheliche will be
charged as an adult.

---------------------------------------------------------------------


>>> DOC, STOP THE DARN MUSIC IN MY DENTURES!!
       (OR SHOW ME HOW TO CHANGE THE STATION)

BUDAPEST (10-04) - A Hungarian man went back to his
dentist and said he can't sleep because his new dentures
are broadcasting the state radio station 24-hours a day.
The dentist accompanied the 69-year-old patient back home
and sure enough, the sound of music was loud and clear.
Everything was fixed when the doctor laced the man's mouth
with extra-thin wire causing a short-circuit in the receiver.


>>> RIGHT MIRACLE SAVES MAN

BUDAPEST (10-01) - A teenager who got stabbed in an
argument over money was saved by a miracle. The knife
stab, which was supposed to penetrate his heart, didn't --
because his heart was on the wrong side (right side) of his
body.
Doctors said the 18-year-old man had a medical irregularity
which affects one in 3,500 people.


>>> "HO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME!"

HONG KONG (10-03) - A 35-year-old woman, identified only as
Ho, has been arrested for sexually assaulting a man on a bus
in the North Point district of Hong Kong.
The woman tried forcing the 49-year-old man to make love to
her on the bus and even attempted to unzip the bus driver's
pants. She was released on bail and is scheduled to attend
a court hearing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

*  A Kenyan gangster was pronounced dead as a result of a
shoot-out with local police. When the truck transporting the
body to the city mortuary reached its destination ... the body
was gone.

* A blind man, that bit his guide dog because it couldn't
understand his instructions while he was drunk, won his
appeal against a life ban from keeping a dog.

* The world's shortest man, 22.1 inches tall, died in New
Delhi last week. Gul Mohammed, 36, died of lung complications.

* A man, who admitted being drunk at the time his speeding
truck killed two people, is now accusing the state police
because "they failed to respond quickly enough" and could
have prevented the accident.

* Warner Bros. has full rights over the name "Tasmanian Devil"
and not even the people of Tasmania are allowed to use it --
even though the animal is a native of their land. Tasmanian
officials are currently negotiating with the U.S. entertainment
company and hope to reach an agreement.


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 38 of 200                  Date: Fri 17/10/1997,  7:14 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Latest one


>>> BANK ROBBER UPSET OVER SLOW SERVICE

BUFFALO, N.Y. (10-10) - A woman bank robber became upset
when the teller took too long to hand her the cash and snatched
back her "demand" note. She then simply walked out and went
to another nearby bank where she committed the robbery.
The incident took place at a Lockport Savings Bank in Buffalo.
After taking back the note, the woman walked to Rochester
Savings where service was much faster. She fled on foot with
an undisclosed amount of money.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> THREE HEROES AND A LITTLE RAT

SINGAPORE (10-09) - One man was killed and another will spend
five months in jail because of a rat (actually, more likely because
of their stupidity.)
Chan Eng Wah and two co-workers decided to punish a rat they
caught eating a colleague's lunch. One of them trapped the rat
inside a plastic bag, another poured paint thinner on top of it and
a third set it on fire. Instead of punishing the hungry rat, all of our
three heroes bursted into flames and were rushed to a nearby
hospital. Chan, 43, died as a result of severe burns, while Boon
Chee Kung, 23, was sentenced to a five-month jail term.

>>> WOMAN WAKES UP WITH DIFFERENT ACCENT

LONDON (10-13) - Warning: One day you may go to sleep and
wake up speaking with a different accent. That is exactly what
happened to a Scottish woman who woke up speaking with a
South African accent.
The woman, in her 50s, was diagnosed with Foreign Accent
Syndrome, immediately after she suffered a minor stroke.
Doctors have only recorded 12 previous cases of this unusual
disorder.

>>> CAT DOOR BUTTOCKS

BREMEN , Germany (9-25) - His buttocks were painted bright
blue, a daffodil was stuck between his cheeks, and he was
stuck to his waist in the cat door. That's how authorities found
Gunther Burpus who had tried to gain access to his house via
the cat door.
He sang songs, told himself jokes and shouted for help when
he needed to go to the bathroom. Some students removed his
pants, painted his buttocks blue and left him there with a sign
that read "Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please
give generously."
People cheered and threw money, but only after two days, when
a dog licked his "private parts," did an elderly lady call the police
to complain.  After charges were dropped, Burpus' said,"I collected
over DM3000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

>>> DONKEY MARTYR

CAIRO (10-07) - A woman was killed as she tried to save her
donkey from death.  Apparently, the donkey had been regularly
eating plants cultivated by three men, so the men decided to kill
it with an automatic rifle.  Fawzeya Bekhit, 53, jumped in the way
and was hit by the bullets.
The men were arrested, but the donkey remains free.

>>> LOVESTRUCK THIEF

ERIE, Pa. (10-08) - Earvin Amos stuck a gun in a woman's face,
stole her wallet and then fell in love. He later wrote her a letter
asking her out and telling her to call.  Amos, 19, wrote that the
woman was pretty and should call him on his pager.
He promised to return  her wallet. No one returned her first page,
but Amos left messages on her machine that were traced to a
convenience store, at which point, the burglar was caught.

>>> HOT OIL TREATMENT

HONG KONG (10-07)  - She was angry at her husband, so she
poured boiling oil over him while he slept.
Liu Chi-fung, 40, played mahjongg (a Chinese game played with
tiles) with his neighbors, only to come home to find his wife, Mo
Yu-king, accusing him of having a pregnant mistress.  After denying
the accusations, Liu went to bed. He was awakened later to find
his wife telling him he was going to die. Mo then proceeded to pour
boiling oil over Liu's head. Liu needed skin grafts to his right
shoulder, scalp and ear, yet Mo pleaded not guilty to causing
grievous bodily harm with intent.  The case continues.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> FINDERS KEEPERS

MIAMI (10-08) - A minister discovered 4.5 million dollars in
suitcases, duffel bags, 2 safes and various other containers on
a Florida roadside, and now he wants to keep it. But the U.S.
Customs Service claims it belongs to the taxpayers because it
is most likely illegal drug money.
Under Florida Law if property found is not claimed by the rightful
owner within 90 days, the finder gets to keep it.  James
Loscheider wrote a letter to U.S. Customs stating that since he
alerted the authorities to the whereabouts of the money, he
should be entitled to the money or the reward.  The case is still
pending.

>>> UNWANTED CIRCUMCISION

BRISBANE, Australia, (10-08) - An man was circumcised with a
beer bottle by a group of Aborigines.
Irwin Brookdale, 34,  was drinking with the group when he
passed out. Apparently, a woman encouraged the group to
"make a man out of him" when she felt down Brookdale's pants
and discovered he was not circumcised.  They used a smashed
beer bottle to perform the procedure, but Brookdale was still
forced to have a corrective therapeutic circumcision. Judge
Fred McGuire awarded Brookdale with 10,000 Australian dollars
(7,400 US) compensation against Ambrose John Neal, who was
convicted of unlawful wounding.  McGuire described the case
as "puzzling".

>>> A VIOLENT GAME OF GOLF

SANBORNTON, H.H. (10-06) - A round of golf turned violent
when two brothers, Mark and Brian McLean were attacked
for playing too slow.
Michael Moosik, 28, and Steven Fleenor, 40, wanted to play
through the hole ahead of them, but the McLean brother's
refused to let them through. Moosik, who faces
7 to 15 years in prison, struck Mark in the head with the
golf club.
Fleenor, who faces one year in prison, pushed Brian. Police
thought the violence erupted because the McLean brother's
refused to let the other players play through.

>>> FIFTH BULLET'S A CHARM

MARSEILLE, France (10-07) - He shot himself five times before
he finally succeeded in killing himself. One 9mm bullet was
found in Andre Isoardo's belly, another in his wrist, groin and
throat. The lethal shot was though his mouth and into his brain.
The lack of signs of violence on the body and a letter of farewell
to Isoardo's brother point to suicide. Still, some questions remain
unanswered. The bullet from the shot to the right wrist has not
been recovered and Isoardo was right handed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

*   A handcuffed burglar suspect escaped from a police interview
room. A few days later police officers received a package from
the man containing ... the handcuffs. "Unfortunately, the envelope
had no return address," a police spokesperson said.

* A Polish prisoner took a fellow inmate hostage inside a
Copenhagen prison and demanded pizza and Coca-Cola for his
surrender. The 21-year-old man released his hostage after his
demands were met.

* An Indian man, who eight months ago decided to live the rest
of his life in a tree, died after he fell from his new "home." Naku,
35, abandoned life on the ground after he found out his wife had
been unfaithful.

* A 36-year-old mother protested her children's "whining" by
retreating to a tree house and refused to come down until she
receives some cooperation. Michelle Tribant held a sign reading:
"On Strike, Mom. No cooking, cleaning, doctoring, banking or
taxi service. Out of Order." She returned home only after her
three kids "made a contract" in which they agreed to help more
with household chores.

* Authorities in Tampa demolished a house infested with more
than 1,000 rats, despite the owners' request to save some of
the rodents. The owners, a 76-year-old woman and her 54-year-old
daughter, begged pest control workers to save the rats. "Please
don't kill them, they're just babies," one of the women said.

* One of the motorists cited for honking to protest new speed
bumps in the city of Peoria (Ill) is fighting her $75 fine claiming
the Bill of Rights guarantees her the right to blow the car's horn
anytime she wants.

* No multi-million dollar contracts and no gold championship rings
in this Vietnamese soccer championship. The first-place team will
win a dairy cow, runners-up will receive a (non-dairy) cow and the
third place team will be blessed with a pig.

* An Egyptian sculptor had been charged with desecrating the
dead for creating a statue containing human body parts. The
work of art was submitted to a competition in Cairo. "The jury
judged the statue below the competition's artistic standards
way before discovering the terrible fact," said the contest's
organizer.

* A 10-year-old boy, wearing Lion King pajamas, stole his
babysitter's 4x4 truck and lead police on a highway chase
which reached speeds up to 70 miles per hour. Fridley (Minn)
officers rammed the rear of the vehicle, finally bringing it to
a halt. And in Kennett (Mo.) an 11-year-old boy took his
parents' car and lead police on a high-speed chase at 110
miles per hour.

* The Boston gorilla, who became famous after pelting city
politicians with balls of feces, died during a routine annual
physical check.  (We smell conspiracy.)

* An angry bicyclist shot and killed a driver after being bumped
by her vehicle at an intersection in Adelphi, Maryland. And in
Reno, a lawyer was arrested after he pointed a machine gun
and threatened a 15-year-old boy following a minor traffic accident.

* The mayor of Toledo was recently under verbal attack at a
news conference where he proposed changing the date of the
annual trick-or-treat, a Halloween custom. A woman, dressed
in black and claiming to be a witch, was upset over the mayor's
decision to move the candy giveaway to Thursday, Oct. 30,
instead of the traditional Oct. 31.

* An Ugandan woman filed for divorce for "fear of being eaten
or turned into a cannibal" by her husband. The woman suspected
her husband of being a cannibal because the meat he always
brought home had "large bones." Last week her suspicions were
confirmed when she caught him roasting a human leg over the fire.

* A New Yorker who shot a man in a street dispute was himself
the victim of a crime not long after. Chris Applewhite, 23, was
robbed at gun point shortly after shooting a 19-year-old man. And
what did Chris do? He went to the police station to report his
leather jacket being stolen. He was arrested after an officer realized
he fit the description of the man wanted on criminal charges.

* Charles Maraura of New Zealand was awarded a small amount of
money after he proved that Zimbabwe's National Breweries was
responsible for the used female contraceptive device found in his
beer.

* Three children were killed in Tirana, Albania, after playing
soccer with a live grenade they found on a neighborhood field.

>>> QUOTES OF THE WEEK

* "WARNING: If You Bring Drugs into South Dakota, Plan to Stay
a Long, Long Time."

   One of the 14 billboards placed at South Dakota's borders.

* "Sometimes it plays music I want, sometimes it plays
something else."

   Bill Gates admitting that the 50-computers network in his $53
   million home has some bugs.

* "My success crashes all the guys I like. People don't want to
have sex with you - they just want people to think they did. If I had
a dollar for all the people who said they've had sex with me, I'd
never had to work again."

   Hollywood sex symbol Sharon Stone admitting she didn't
   have a date for six years.


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 39 of 200                  Date: Sun 19/10/1997,  9:22 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Hi Mom!

Dumb Criminals

 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the
engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an
oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize
that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

   Police in New York City in March charged salesman 32 year-old Joel Levy
with
assault. According to police, Levy's live-in girlfriend arrived home
unexpectedly after Levy called over a callgirl. Levy improvised the plan to
intercept Brandy, the callgirl, in the building's lobby, have sex, and
then run back upstairs before arousing suspicion in his girlfriend.
When he saw a good-looking woman in the lobby, Levy thought it was Brandy,
nudged her into the lift, and pawed and fondled her while displaying a $50
bill saying, "You know you want it, you know you'll do anything for it." The
woman was not Brandy, but an assistant district attorney from Brooklyn.

   Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery
of Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw,
which was not plugged in.

   The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked out.

   David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after
allegedly knocking out an armoured car driver and stealing the closest four
bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30
pounds ea and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police
officers easily jumped him from behind.

   Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who
happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over
the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in
the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose
himself.
Reply
#5
BIZZAROMsg # 40 of 200                  Date: Sun 19/10/1997,  9:26 pm

From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Happy new year!




A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):

After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian
commercial irline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and
Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided
today  by our  first officer".

Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the
Captain  did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the
intercom announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise
for that rough landing provided today by our Captain".

The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?".

The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it
to you!".

"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.


The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:

   Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
   Join our frequent near-miss program.
   Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
   Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off! 
   Complimentary champagne in free-fall. 
   Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. 
   The kids will love our inflatable slides. 
   You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane! 
   Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose. 
   Delta: We might be landing on your street! 
   Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. 
   Bring a bathing suit. 
   So that's what these buttons do! 
   Delta: A real man lands where he wants to. 
   Delta: We never make the same mistake three times. 






--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 41 of 200                  Date: Mon 20/10/1997,  6:43 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Lucky dip Smile


Federal Aviation Agency,

Washington 25, D.C.

Gentlemen:

I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that
occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA
man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any
more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's
license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this
he seemed  quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what
happened.

The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. but on the
day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a
slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the
controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had
invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two
hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served
absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.

On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the
weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we
would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I
already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a
few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid I
I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that
my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could
imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy
suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very
sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C,
also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything
because was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want
get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane
manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's rediculous. I never
saw many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we
both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I
forgot mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so
nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to
go direct vi Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows
deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody
has problems with red tape.

The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the
way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to
contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew
where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all
of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and
made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those
professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few flat
clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right
under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where  going to
have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After
all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the
ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly
wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all but everybody has
to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it,
don't we?

It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be
forming and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I
will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six
hours experience.
My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but
these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe
this but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was
pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead
with of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height
like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the alt it
kept winding and unwinding all the time.

Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going,
I had worked it out on the computor. I am a whiz at that computor, but
something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down  for the
airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people
sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions, a ceiling of
about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business
except yourseelf, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms on with the
occasional bolt of lightning. I dedided that my neighbor should see how
beautiful it was and the way it semed to turn that fog all yellow but I
guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't
want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occured because the
engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and
I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other
engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is
really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go.
 Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.

As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was
apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad
weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under
the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have
been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice
on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can
sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.

To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right
away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails
and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it
had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights
flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had
told me that you could always talk to these military people on the
international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe
the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by
somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently there were
expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some
god damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I
landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the
runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty
evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some
General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried
to explain him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower
operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red
that I think he must have a drinking problem.

Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really
was bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a
statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the
flu or something.

Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license
airmail special delivery.

Very, truly yours,


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 42 of 200                  Date: Tue 21/10/1997,  8:01 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: The Moon and I.

(Or how I lost the urge to howl)   ;>


I found this in the Dom last week and thought it rather interesting. ZOSIMOS

The Moon was created in less than a year from a cloud of debris blasted from
the Earth by a huge impact, according to Japanese and American astronomers
who used computers to simulate the results of a variety of impacts by rogue
"protoplanets" early in the earths history.

It has been accepted since 1984 that the likeliest origin of the Moon is
the accretion of debris from the earth. But the new simulations suggest two
changes to the accepted theory.

First, the show that the impacting object, hitherto believed to have been
about the size of Mars, must have been at least three times larger to create
the Moon. Second, they show that lunar formation would have been very rapid.

 Sigeru Ida, of Tokyo institute of Technology, and Robin Canup and Glen
Stewart of Colorado University, report in `Nature' that the Moon formed
within 100 to 1000 orbits.  As the orbital period was about 10 hours, that
means within a month to a year.

Not all the lightweight material stirred up by the impact of the rogue
planet went into the Moon. Most of it fell back to Earth, but the rest
formed an object that must have loomed enormous in the sky.

It was about 22,500 kilometres from the Earth, nearly 20 times closer than
today. It then slowly swung out to its present orbit of 385,000km's.

Zos: Dont worry folks this all happened about 4.5 billion years ago.
    ( about the time I was starting kindy Wink


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 43 of 200                  Date: Wed 22/10/1997,  6:32 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Cuppla jokes Smile


There was this gorgeous long legged blonde, Lola, standing in a bar.
Eric, pawing the ground for sex, went up to her and asked her if he could
buy her a drink. "Sure," she said. "Buy me a drink if you like, but it"ll
do you no good."
Undeterred, Eric bought her a drink and, ten minutes later, driven by his
straining passion, he asked her if he could buy her another. "OK," she
said."Go ahead. But I'm telling you it'll do you no good."
After several more drinks, all bought on the understanding that "they'd do
him no good" , Eric asked the blonde back to his place. "I'll go to your
place," she said. "But bear in mind that it'll do you no good"

Once Eric had her alone in his place, he looked at her shapely body, her
silky hair, her beautiful face, and he was overwhlemed with desire and love.
"Lola," he panted. "You are without doubt the most beautiful woman in the
world. I want you for my wife."

 "Oh," said Lola, "that's different! Send her in."

A doctor was doing the rounds in a mental hospital when he came across a
patient sitting on the edge of his bed,holding an imaginary steering wheel
and making truck noises "What are you doing?" the doctor asked the patient.

"I'm driving a truck from here to Dunedin and back," said the dotty patient.
"Well, drive carefully," said the doctor. And he moved to the next bed,
where he saw there was frantic activity under the covers. The doctor pulled
the covers back to reveal a patient energetically thrusting into the
mattress. "And what are you doing?" said the doctor. "Well," said the
patient, " while he's in Dunedin I'm shagging his wife."

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 44 of 200                  Date: Sat 25/10/1997,  1:20 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Wasn't it the end of the world yesterday


>>> $5000.00 SUN BURN

MILWAUKEE (10-13) - A lawyer is suing for $5000.00 because
he claims his suntan lotion ruined his vacation. 
S.A. Schapiro said that the lotion "provided no protection of
sun burning".  Cory Nettles, lawyer for Beiersdorf, Inc., which
produces Nivea Sun, says that the label indicated that the
contents were suitable for people who rarely burn or who have
deep based tans. The product used had a protection factor
of two, yet the American Cancer society recommends a factor
of at least 15.  Nettles says that he never ceases to be amazed
at the cases that cross his desk, stating that this case strikes
him as "absolutely ridiculous".


---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> SHOT IN THE ACT

HARTFORD, Conn. (10-11) - A robber shot himself with his
own gun while trying to rob the Mr. Sparkle Car Wash. He
got into a struggle with the attendant, but a shot went off,
striking him.  He died several days later.
In another would-be robbery incident in Hartford, a criminal
was caught in the middle of a carjacking while kneeling
over his victim pointing a gun. He was shot by the bouncer
of a nearby cafe. The bouncer, Gregory Blackinton, will not
be charged. Police stated the shooting seemed justified.

>>> ABOVE THE LAW

JACKSON, Miss. (10-17) - A homeless man, who lived in
the ceiling of the Jackson Police Department's headquarters,
was arrested after his "home"came crashing down.
Samuel Zabala, 23, and his belongings came crashing down
from his ceiling refuge above the man's restroom at the police
headquarters. Officers heard "a loud commotion" and observed
"a dazed individual" come out of the restroom. Some of the
man's belongings that tumbled from the ceiling were cereal
boxes, newspapers, several bibles, a flashlight, magazines
and books.
Zabala has been charged with destruction of city property.

>>> REAL LIFE DRIVER'S ED

DURHAM, N.C. (10-15) - A driver's education instructor
ordered a driving student to pursue a car that had cut
them off, and then proceeded to belt him. 
The teacher, David Cline, was angered because another
driver cut them off. The female student driver, who apparently
did not know how fast she was going, was not ticked, but
the Driver's Education teacher was arrested and then released
on $400.00 bond.  It is still being discussed as to whether
Cline should return to his job as driver's education instructor
or be dismissed.

>>> BURGLAR DOES HOMEWORK, GETS CAUGHT

SANTA CRUZ, CA  (10-15) - Some money, a watch, sports
trading cards and a skateboard were stolen from a home ...
and the criminals left their homework behind.
"It was pretty obvious what age group we were dealing with,"
Detective Brad Goodwin said.
Two teens were arrested by police who believe the boys were
responsible for four burglaries and possibly 10 others under
investigation. Though not publicly identified due to age, the
police discovered the name of one of the boys because he
left his name on the homework. The boys, who struck during
the day, will be prosecuted by the juvenile authorities.

>>> HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SPATULA?

KIEV (10-14) - Doctors removed a metal spatula from a
patient's stomach, one year after surgeons left it there by
mistake.
The 10.8 inches long and 3.2 inches wide spatula was
removed from Olga Niziuk after she complained of severe
abdominal pains. The woman, who could have died, plans
to take legal action against the hospital and the negligent
surgeons.

>>> LET'S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS

VIENNA (10-14) - He bared his behind to the German
Chancellor Helmut Kohl and now wants Kohl to appear in
court to identify his bottom. 
The man is appealing a $357.00 fine he received for allegedly
dropping his pants in front of the Chancellor and his wife. He
got his attention by calling, "Helmut, Helmut." The man
believes that he can prove Kohl didn't see his bottom by having
Kohl view it and identifying it in court.

>>> DRUNK CONDUCTOR REVERSES TRAIN

BORDEAUX, France (10-14) - When a drunk train conductor
was informed that he forgot to stop at a passenger station,
he calmly reversed the train 1,000 feet (350 meters) and
made his stop.
It took railway authorities over an hour to remove the
conductor off the train after noticing he was "manifestly
drunk." The man argued that he is perfectly capable of
continuing his route.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> TAXI DRIVER BEATS HIMSELF UP

MIAMI (10-14) - He was found outside his cab, bruised and
bleeding from stab wounds. Cristobal Albaladejo, 57, claimed
three passengers mugged him and
threw him from his taxi. But under questioning, he admitted
that he had lost all his money gambling and was unable to pay
his employer, the cab owner. He was charged with filing a false
police report.

>>> BIZARRE DEATH

ALLEGAN, Mich. (10-15) - A 79-year-old woman died after
trying to do two things at the same time: mowing her lawn and
exercising her dog.
Maxine Keggerreis, who was cutting grass around a pond, fell
into the water and drowned after becoming entangled in the dog
chain attached to her mower. The dog has also drowned.

>>> POLICE CHIEF FORGETS LOADED GUN

TOLEDO, Ohio (10-14) - The same day he praised the new
guidelines on gun safety, the Toledo Police Chief left his
loaded gun under the seat of a rented vehicle. 
Chief Gerald Galvin was called by Lucas Counties Sheriff's
Department and informed that they had found his .380-caliber,
semiautomatic weapon under the seat of the rental car. Galvin
had just praised a decision by eight U.S. manufacturers to abide
by new safety lock guidelines, saying that they, "provided
another added safety level to weapons."

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* A 23-year-old Florida baseball fan was killed as he was
trying to hang a "Go Marlins" sign under a commuter train
overpass. The victim's companion escaped uninjured.

* A high school custodian was charged with indecent exposure
after three female students observed him wandering naked
through the school.

* James Dowdy, 26, continues to be arrested over and over
for his unusual fetish -- stealing women's socks. For his latest
crime, Dowdy was sentenced to three years in jail. "I would
like to get help with this," Dowdy said.

* A freak buffalo was born in Egypt. The animal has two
heads, two tails and seven feet. "Such births are very rare
and occur only once in 500,000 million births," the government
newspaper Al-Ahram reported.

* The zoo in Twycross, England, will spend 300,000 pounds
($480,000) for a new play area for three gorillas which will
include among other things ... color television. "They really like
(television). When the keeper turns it off they scream," said
Molly Badham, the zoo's owner.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

* An Egyptian funeral turned into a joyous celebration after
the man everyone thought was dead ... walked in. Ahmed I.
Awadh explained that his identification card was recently stolen.

* Manufacturers are trying to protect themselves from frivolous
lawsuits by placing "idiot" warning labels on some of their
products. According to Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch a
cardboard sun screen for car windshields had a warning label
informing drivers to remove it before attempting to drive the
vehicle. A hair dryer had a warning label advising consumers
not to use it while sleeping and a beach towel label advised
against its use for protection during a hurricane.

* A Saugus, MA. mail carrier assaulted and seriously injured
a jogger who made fun of his job. Richard Abbot, 34, used a
rake he found on a nearby lawn to inflict serious injuries to
the man's head. Apparently still upset, Abbot attacked another
jogger by using his pepper spray, which he claims he never
used during his 11-year-career. The carrier quit his job and
turned himself in to local police. "It was a hard job that put too
much stress on me, I became angry that day and lost all control."

>>> QUOTES OF THE WEEK

* "I'd guess it was one of those hit-and-run things bears
do sometimes."
Gael Bissell, after a grizzly bear smashed the passenger
window on her Ford Explorer, crawled inside the truck and
ate the seats.

* "(My client) is pitiful, hollow, insignificant, sniveling
human being."
Defense attorney Wayne Huff speaking to the jury and
referring to his own client, Kenneth Mosley, convicted of
shooting and killing a police officer.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 45 of 200                  Date: Sun 26/10/1997, 10:03 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Road Rabbits


On the subject of killing bunnies, Road Kill and such like...

On was on my way into Wellington today with a friend and saw the sickest bit
of road kill I have ever seen.
On the Petone overbridge, coming from the Foreshore, I spotted two rabbit
ears protruding from the road surfice.
As we got closer I could see that it was in fact 1/2 a rabbit head `glued'
to the road. The face was intact, as was the ears and it seemed to be
staring at the approaching traffic like it had sunken into the road.

Just what exactly happened to the rest of the body I have no idea! It was
nowhere to be seen.

Yuk!

Sorry for sharing that wih you, I have no life.  Wink

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 46 of 200                  Date: Sun 26/10/1997, 10:10 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: On a less serious note....


          TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. It's easy being a soap dodger
3. You get to eat shitty little things like snails and frog's legs
4. You know what you are ordering in expensive restaurants
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons far away from your own doorstep
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. If there's a war you can surrender really early
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in a hole
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're crap

          TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you've got a driver's license you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems
   to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can be Irish and American at the same time

            TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse yanks with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. Puts you in with a chance of bedding Lady Di
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh,
11. Or Scottish

          TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes  :Zos's note..Aim‚e Smile
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10.Sweating tenors

          TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :

1. You can be mistaken for a Mexican all over North America
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Hard to get the women into bed without marrying them ...
7. ...and twice as hard still if you're not a Catholic
8. In fact, the only sure way is to dress up in silly too-tight clothes and
risk your life in front of bulls
9. You get to eat bulls' testicles
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

              TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN : Zos: or Australian ;>

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


               TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :

1. Large choice of languages
2. Fleshy actresses
3. Taj Mahal
4. Chicken Tikka Massala
5. Can model volatility and money at risk in 7 computer languages
6. Can communicate chiefly with head movements
7. A Patel is never lonely in the phone book
8. It beats being a Pakistani
9. Keep saying "please" meaning it
10. 6 spicy papadums, pickles and a Kingfisher

               TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

1. The Guinness is great
2. The crack is great
3. You won't get in a crack unless you marry them
4. You can't have sex with a condom on
5. Thus you must have sex without one on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. If you don't agree with me I'll blow you up
8. The stew is great
9. The Murphy's is great
10. Er...Best pop down the pub and have a think

            TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

1. It beats being an American.
2. You dont have to leave home to taste authentic French cuisine.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Can travel anywhere with a Canadian passport.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
 ratings will rise.
7. Liberal is not a dirty word.
8. The CBC
9. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
 ground.
10. Cheap medicare, no guns, ethnic diversity and harmony, good and cheap
 universities, etc.


           TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH AFRICAN

1. You don't have to be South African, just African.
2. Beer is cheap
3. So is the currency
4. You can demand any material thing  based on  your disadvantaged
 history, or the fact that you have an AK47..
5. Sunny skies.
6. Large empty spaces (like most suburban homes and garages if left
 unguarded for more than ten minutes).
7. "Get Out of Jail Free" is not just a Monopoly card.
8. You have the option of moving to Cape Town
9. You don't even need a drivers license to have a gun.
10. Kruger National Park.



--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 47 of 200                  Date: Thu  6/11/1997,  9:58 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Bill Gates


Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a

conversation heard last week.


=====

Bill:  "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor:  "Ah, you have our basic support option.  Calls are free for
the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter.  Okay?"

Bill:  "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room.  We think it's a
little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor:  "Yeah.  Some compromises were made to have it out by the
release date."

Bill:  "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor:  "Well, you have two options.  You can purchase a new,
larger living room; or you can use a stacker."

Bill:  "Stacker?"

Contractor:  "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the
room.  By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the
couch... the chairs on the table... etc.  You leave an empty spot, so
when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and
then put it back when you're done."

Bill:  "Uh... I dunno... issue two.  The second issue is the light
fixtures.  The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The
threads run the wrong way."

Contractor:  "Oh!  That's easy.  Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll
have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill:  "And the electrical outlets?  The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor:  "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill:  "You're kidding!?"

Contractor:  "Nope.  Its the only way."

Bill:  "<<sigh> Well... I have one last problem.  Sometimes, when I have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor:  "That's a resource leakage problem.  One fixture is failing
to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other
fixtures."

Bill:  "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor:  "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house,
turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and
then you can get back to work."

Bill:  "That's the last straw.  What kind of product are you selling
me?"

Contractor:  "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill:  "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor:  "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release
sometime near the end of next year.  Actually it was due out this year,
but we've had some delays..."

:Zos  Smile




--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 48 of 200                  Date: Fri  7/11/1997,  6:50 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: The one you've all been waiting for!

OVI-#69

>>> THE SHOOTIN', SMOKIN', SUBWAY RIDER

NEW YORK (10-18) - A man was smoking on the subway and
ended up getting shot as a result.
Apparently, police approached the man to issue a summons,
but a scuffle broke out. The suspect grabbed a night stick and
fled as officers chased him to the street. The man suddenly
turned with a gun and fired several shots at the officers. They
returned fire, wounding them man, and finally arrested him. A
.25-caliber automatic gun was taken from the suspect. Charges
are still pending.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> SNAP. YOU LOSE!

TAIPEI, Taiwan (10-27) - Two men had their arms torn from their
bodies as a result of a tug-of-war contest in Taipei. Both men
wrapped the rope around their left arm in an attempt to have a
better grip. Their limbs were torn when the rope snapped during
the contest, which involved over 1,600 participants. Doctors
performed a seven-hour reattachment operation and are hopeful
that the men will recover up to 70 percent of the use of their arms.

>>> FRIVOLOUS INMATE LAWSUITS

VISTA, Calif. (10-23) - Prisoner Joseph Baker, 36, filed a lawsuit
against the county because the bag of tortilla chips he purchased
at the jail's store "did not contain the Food and Drug Administration's
regulation that stipulate that nutrition facts must be contained on
the package." Baker is seeking $100,000 because he "suffered
health problems" as a result of improper nutritional information.

PITTSBURGH (10-21) - A panel of Superior Court judges dismissed
a case in which an inmate sued a company over a labeling mistake.
Keith Maydak, 26, measured the tablespoons from a 10-ounce bottle
of Bartolacci Private Stock Olive Oil and found it contained only 121,
as opposed to 128 advertised on the label. The judges wrote in their
final review: "We find this case extremely hard to digest." Maydak
plans to appeal the case to the state's Supreme Court.

>>> NOT-SO-NICE SANTA, RONALD McDONALD

SEATTLE (10-21) - He's played Santa, baby-sat for neighbors,
worked for 13 years as a child care worker, was active in his
church helping teach young children. He's also just been arrested
for molesting children. Ronald C. McDonald (his real name, we
swear) confessed to molesting seven children, but police believe
he has been doing this as far back as the early 1970's. McDonald,
who looked like Santa Claus, would take the children to a special
room with toys and kids videos and then fondle them. Many worried
parents have called because there children had so much contact
with McDonald. He is being held on 2 counts of rape in the King
County Jail.  McDonald claimed that he did it for the pleasure of
the children.

Zos's note: There! I was right all along Ronald McDonald is a Paedophile!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> BURGLAR GETS A HEADACHE

TUCSON (10-20) - All he wanted was a cheap mini boom box,
but what he got was a rock hurled at his head. Jeremy Cattoor,
21, was in the process of breaking into Marsha Pepin's new Jeep
Grand Cherokee when a neighbor heard breaking glass and a
car alarm. The neighbor went to investigate, discovered Cattoor
taking something out of the jeep, and yelled for him to drop it.
Cattoor tried to escape, after dropping the radio, but the neighbor
hurled the rock anyhow, hitting him in the head and knocking him
out. Cattoor was taken into custody after being treated at the
hospital. Tucson police spokesman Eugene Mejia said that they
prefer people don't confront a suspect "because that's a
dangerous situation."

>>> PLANE TOO LARGE TO LAND?

CHISINAU, Moldova (10-21) - Boris Yeltsin has several planes,
but the one he plans to take to the summit may be too big. So they
tested the size of the strip by sending in a plane similar to Yeltsin's
Ilyushin - 96 to the modest airport in the Moldovan capital of
Chisinau. The Ilyushin - 96 is equipped with special medical and
communications equipment. The result of the test flight?  Yeltsin's
plane, though large, will be able to land, as well as three others he
plans on bringing with him. (We're sure the test/dummy pilot was
also very happy.)

>>> YUMMY DIRT

TORONTO (10-23) - Eating dirt may be good for you. At least,
that's what the most recent studies by Susan Aufreiter of the
University of Toronto and William McHaney of York University
are trying to discover. They are using a technique called
Instrumental Neutron Activation Analysis to get a precise chemical
breakdown of three samples.
The first sample had been used as "famine food" in China and
proved to contain iron, calcium, vanadium, magnesium, manganese
and potassium, all which would be in short supply during famine.
The second sample was soft clay from North Carolina, which was
supposed to be good for general health. It contained iron and iodine,
important for children and women of childbearing age. "It;s an insult
to say 'eat dirt,' " Aufreiter said. "But poor Blacks in the South did,
and they were right."
The third sample was collected in Zimbabwe and was claimed to
cure upset stomach. The researchers found Kaolinite, the main
ingredient in Kaopectate. The team outlines its findings in the
latest issue of the International Journal of Food Sciences and
Nutrition.

>>> HEADLESS FROGS CAN SAVE OUR LIVES

LONDON (10-19)  - Dr. Patrick Dixon claims that in the next five
to 10 years there will be great pressure to create partial fetuses,
missing heads, arms and legs as organ factories for tomorrow's
people. The author of "The Genetic Revolution" made this
prediction after Jonathan Slack, a professor of developmental
biology at Bath University, said that he created the frog embryo
by gene manipulation and used the same technique to suppress
development of a tadpole's trunk and tail as well. Slack believes
that the same breakthrough can be applied to human embryos
because the same genes perform similar functions. He feels that,
if successful, these organs would exactly match the patient and
there would therefore be no danger of rejection. By suppressing
parts of the human, such as the heart and brain, organs can be
cultivated, bypassing many legal restrictions and ethical concerns
because it wouldn't technically qualify as a human embryo. 
Dixon says that the power is there, "but you do have to ask
fundamental questions before it is too late."

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* A contest between 40 illegal marijuana growers ended in
chaos in Madrid because the judges were too stoned to decide
whose pot was best.

* John Disienia, a Housing Authority employee, reacted quickly to a
drive-by-arrow-shooting in a Brooklyn neighborhood. Disienia
blocked the arrow with his briefcase. Police has not yet captured
the attacker.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

* A firefighter was killed when flames caused a .22-caliber
riffle to discharge. David Williams was part of the team
responding to a fire at a local business when the stray bullet
went through his neck.

* A woman, who thought she ate the head of a grasshopper,
was awarded $2,000 from a manufacturer of canned collard
greens. Rebina Sharpe claimed emotional distress and originally
sought $10,000 from McCall Farms, the manufacturer of the product.

>>> QUOTES OF THE WEEK

* "A drive-by shooting's one thing, but a drive-by cannon shot?
Explain that to your insurance company,"
said a mobile home owner whose property has been destroyed
by a Civil War-type cannonball.

* "Please DO NOT try to pet this pig if he doesn't know you,
he may become upset and bite you. He bites hard! Do not stick
your hands over the fence or rail."
The sign ignored by a San Diego Gas & Electric meter reader. The
man needed medical attention and the pig was taken away by
animal control officers.


--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 49 of 200                  Date: Fri  7/11/1997, 12:33 pm
From: AIMEE                      Read: 21 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: Re: The one you've all been waiting for!

>SEATTLE (10-21) - He's played Santa, baby-sat for neighbors,
>worked for 13 years as a child care worker, was active in his
>church helping teach young children. He's also just been arrested
>for molesting children. Ronald C. McDonald (his real name, we
>swear) confessed to molesting seven children, but police believe
>he has been doing this as far back as the early 1970's.  McDonald,
>who looked like Santa Claus, would take the children to a special
>room with toys and kids videos and then fondle them. Many worried
>parents have called because there children had so much contact
>with McDonald. He is being held on 2 counts of rape in the King
>County Jail.  McDonald claimed that he did it for the pleasure of
>the children.
>
>Zos's note: There! I was right all along Ronald McDonal is a Paedophile!

Aimee's note:  Woah... POD asked for one of my predictions a couple of
months ago, and I said 'There'll be something to do with Ronald McDonald
molesting children coming up sometime soon'.

We both laughed about this and said it wasn't possible.  Wooooooooooo.....
Reply
#6
BIZZAROMsg # 50 of 200                  Date: Sat  8/11/1997,  2:55 pm

From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Tickle-me Elmo dolls


These are the latsest craze at the moment, You may recall the OVI posting
about the guy in the states that held a cat to ransom in order to extort
one from his neighbour when stocks ran out.

I was in the shops last week looking at one and sure enough if you tickle
the little guy, he laughs.
I asked the man behind the counter if he could guarantee that the one I
purchased would work when I got it home, and he said "Oh sure, the last
thing they do before packing them, is give them a testicle"  .....at least
thats what I think he said!??    ;>

ZOS  Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 51 of 200                  Date: Mon 10/11/1997,  8:29 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Dunno till I find it ;>

How to be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to
others that you "like it that way".  Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for
alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume
properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental
movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh là là!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Nevermind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically
restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.





--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 52 of 200                  Date: Mon 10/11/1997,  8:34 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: ENTER YOUR NAME HERE.
Subject: Oh, and a subject here -> .

The Most Bizarre Suicide of 1994

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in
San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story:

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he
left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor,
his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed
him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety
net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window
washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide
anyway because of this.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide
ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he
intended." That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories
below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to
homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been
successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his
hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was
threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the
trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the
window striking Opus."

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the
old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun
was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit of threateninmg
his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her;
therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun
had been accidentally loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of
the son for the death of Ronald Opus."

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son
(Ronald Opus) had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his
attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the
ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast
through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."





--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 53 of 200                  Date: Mon 10/11/1997,  8:39 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Just one more tonight.

Can You See into the Future?
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."

—The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"

Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,1968,
commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp.,1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."

Western Union internal memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"

David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment
in the radio in the 1920s

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."

A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to
found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."

Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With
The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."

Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."

Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."

Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."

Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M
"Post-It" Notepads

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come
work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and
they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"

Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P
interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."

1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket
work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to
accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight
training."

Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing
Nautilus

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy."

Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for
oil in 1859

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."

Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure deGuerre

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."

Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."

Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary
to Queen Victoria 1873


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BIZZAROMsg # 54 of 200                  Date: Sat 15/11/1997,  8:18 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 25 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: 100 to get rid of your roomate. pt1

100 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

Twitch a lot.

Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.

Become a subgenius.

Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float
up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down
and grin.

Speak in tongues.

Move you roommate's personal belongings around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything
s/he owns to the ceiling.

Walk and talk backwards.

Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans
in the middle of your room. Number them.

Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night.
If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face,
"They're more than meets the eye."

Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias
on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for
your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

Collect all your urine in a small jug.

Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
food.

Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it
off when you are.

Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple
of weeks."

Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend
to masturbate while reading them.

Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
come, pretend nothing happened.

Eat glass.

Smoke ballpoint pens.

Smile. All the time.

Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what
you think the dog ate.

Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate
suspiciously.

Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.
Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash
before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a
list of grievances.

Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,
and then look away quickly.

Dye all your underwear lime green.

Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.

Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents .

Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up
for three weeks.

Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.

Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

Shave one eyebrow.

continued....

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BIZZAROMsg # 55 of 200                  Date: Sat 15/11/1997,  8:20 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 23 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: 100 ways to get rid of your roomate. pt2

...
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching
violently.

Put horseradish in your shoes.

Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

Always flush the toilet three times.

Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play
it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain
that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

Give him/her an allowance.

Listen to radio static.

Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
them as soon as you wake up.

Cry a lot.

Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.

Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie.
Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying.
If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.

If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.

Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the
ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out
 . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.

If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe
into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
towel, and go shower too.

Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're
holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that
your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

Follow him/her around on weekends.

Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

Take his/her underwear. Wear it.

Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.

Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.

Let mice loose in his/her room.

Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask

Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

Skip to the bathroom.

Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
for an entire weekend.

Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her
room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.

When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
leave.

Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find
them.

Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
minutes than call whoever it was back.

Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God
Damnit.

Burn incense.

Eat moths.

Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the
next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next
day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

Collect Chia-Pets.

Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.

If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask
if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.

Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking,
replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your  roommate turns
around. Drink it.

Don't ever flush.

Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

Lick him/her while they are asleep.

Dress in drag.


aaahhh the joys of flatting  :>  ZOS

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BIZZAROMsg # 56 of 200                  Date: Sat 15/11/1997,  8:26 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Sum-more

How to Get Rid of Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed
holding your tomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks
about the wrappers say you know nothing about them.

Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is
asleep, Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every
morning

Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as
you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep
looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your
roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say,
"Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."

Every time you see your roommate yell, "You jerk" and kick him/her in the
stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been
watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that
you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile
them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are
coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the
consequences.

Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her
academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full
report. Insist that he/she do the same.

"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training.
Eat a dozen donuts every night.

Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're
going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack
everything and go to sleep.

Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Help! Where am I?!" and run around
the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks,
say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it
and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the
napkin. Throw everything else away.

Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start
to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with
you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but
keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs,
yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at
your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries
to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several
hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of
your clothes, and ignore your roommate.

Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours
of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of
him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
little..."

Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know
how they got there.

Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and
visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day,
miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving
everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you
dying?"

Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back
into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."

Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If
your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."

Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend
to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was.
Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up
for several weeks.

Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in he building.
Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that
he/she needs bowling shoes.

Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake
an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards
again.

While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.




--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 57 of 200                  Date: Tue 18/11/1997,  2:27 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: ovi#70


*********************************************************************
   Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #70 Nov. 11, 1997
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 "The ultimate source covering our world's stupidity, craziness
                 and the advancement of the human race"
**********************************************************************
>>> DOPEY DRUGGIES

SOUTHBORO, Mass. (10-29) - A couple was charged with
distributing, cultivating, manufacturing and possessing marijuana
after they accidentally dialed 911 instead of 411.
Two officers showed up at the house, and after being let in,
they noticed Lorelei P. Leach move a cigar box and bong into
the kitchen. The officers said there was a small amount of
marijuana in the box, and Leach pointed to a kitchen cupboard
that contained more.  Leach, 40, and her husband Stephen D.
Cardinale, a teaching assistant, are due to appear in court Dec. 3.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> SECOND SIGHTING OF SUSPECT

LONDON (11-04) - A doctor treating a patient on a busy Saturday
night, realized it was the same man who had robbed him at knife
point five months earlier.
Dr. Moore, 28, had been with his friends at the Escape nightclub,
when Karl Telemaque cornered Moore, threatened him with a knife,
and demanded his cash.  The doormen tried to detain the mugger,
but he escaped.  Several months later, after getting into a street
fight, Telemaque went to get treatment at the Cardiff Royal Infirmary
where Dr. Moore was working. Telemaque was arrested and admitted
to the robbery and eight other offenses.  Judge John Prosser told
Telemaque, "you are a danger to the public."

>>> BUNGLING BURGLAR

LONDON (11-05) - During an attempt to rob a post office of $15,000
with a fake gun, Mark Cason, 29, forgot to wear his mask, couldn't
open the safe door by himself and got two children to open the
outside door for him because the money bag was too heavy.
The kids wrote down Canon's plate number since he was stuck in
slow traffic. Canon escaped to the Bradbury Hall Country Club where
he requested that the receptionist place the money in the vault and
not tell the police he was there. After two days, and a tab of $4,500
on drinks, Cason was arrested by the police. When they asked him
what his occupation was, Cason responded: "I'm an armed robber."
He received a five year jail sentence.

>>> THE WEDDING SURPRISE

CAIRO (11-02) - A young Egyptian man wooed his fiancee by
asking for her hand in marriage, buying her jewelry and renting
a love nest, only to discover on the wedding night -- and  after
the ceremony -- that he had married someone else.
What he found when he lifted the veil was an unattractive woman
of 45, not his 18 year old beauty that he had fallen in love with.
The man fainted on the spot. Soon after the man regained his
senses, he went to the police to file a complaint against his in-laws
who had cheated him.

>>> KILLING AFFAIR

ST. PAUL (10-31) - A 35-year-old woman had an unusual
shopping list: a chain saw, knife, .22-caliber rifle, bullets,
a video on how to use the weapon and a pizza. Kathryn
Bourgoin then went home and shot her husband, fed her kids
pizza, and then crawled into bed with her dead husband.
At about 12:15 a.m. she was unsuccessful in her attempt to
commit suicide using the same weapon. She was charged with
second degree murder in the death of her husband Steven
Bourgoin, 34. Police found the rifle, knife and videotape in the
house, and the chain saw was found in the car. Apparently, the
woman was angry about an affair.

>>> REALISTIC RESEARCH

TEHRAN (11-05) - An Iranian writer beat up his wife and
locked her in her room for hours to get her reactions to her
pain to use for a "realistic" novel that he was writing. The
man often took notes after beating his wife.
"He would scrutinize me and take notes as I was squirming
in pain," the unidentified woman was quoted as saying.
The woman has filed for divorce, but the man said he would
not consent to a divorce because he "was only taking advantage
of slight problems between them to get notes for his novel."
The man, a salesman at a local bookstore, has never finished
writing a book but has published several short stories in several
periodicals. The husband apologized to his wife, saying that he
loved her, and may face a possible jail term if his wife does not
forgive him.

>>> WASHING DEATH

BOMBAY (11-06) - An 8-year-old boy accidentally killed his
baby brother when he put him inside a washing machine in an
attempt to lighten his skin. The boy was trying to imitate a
television advertisement in which a dirty teddy bear came out
clean after being placed inside a washing machine.
"He thought he could turn his dark-skinned one-and-half-year-old
brother fair-skinned if he put him through a washing machine,"
Sanjha Jansatta newspaper reported.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> I TOOK A WRONG TURN, OFFICER

WEST ORANGE, N.J. (10-30) - A man, who had robbed a woman
at gunpoint, took a wrong turn as he was making his getaway and
headed down the road in which there was a state troopers' funeral
motorcade.
One police officer fired at Jamil L. Hilton as he tried to run down
the officer who was directing traffic. Hilton continued driving
northbound as the motorcade went southbound and more gunfire
was exchanged between two officers on their way to the funeral.
The suspect's vehicle then hit a monument and veered into two state
police cars. One of the officers received stitches and a sprained wrist
and Hilton was charged with a long list of felonies. He is being held
under guard at a local hospital.

>>> NO PAY, NO BABY!

TEHRAN (11-01) - The parents of a newborn baby girl were unable
to bring her home from the hospital because they could not afford
to pay the medical bill.
The hospital refused to release the baby for nearly six months and
even doubled the amount as the desperate parents struggled to raise
the money. A local newspaper contributed the funds.

>>> FOOTLONG PENIS

PARIS (11-06) - A man's penis can be related to the size of his
hands and feet. At least, that's the theory of some scientists at
the University of Geneva, who have been doing studies on the
Hox family of genes. These genes have been found to control
the development of digits as well as external genitalia. The
scientists tested their theory by removing the gene in question
from laboratory mice, and found their offspring were born without
either digits or genitals. They are using this data to show that a
man's penis can actually be genetically linked to size of a man's
fingers and toes.
"Digits and an ancestral genital organ could have emerged from
the same genetic regulatory innovation," research documents
stated. "It also suggests that those rude jokes about the predictive
value of shoe sizes could have some basis in fact."

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

*   A couple was caught having sex inside the famous St. Paul's
Cathedral in London. The Dean of the cathedral stated that the
building "was full with tourists" and that the couple "had to be
pretty desperate."

* A Peruvian couple thought they have found the perfect spot
for hot love-making when they snuck under a tractor-trailer truck.
Both were seriously injured when the driver showed up and
decided to drive away.

* A 73-year-old Hong Kong woman, who fell into a ditch of a busy
road, was left there for almost two days because nobody wanted
to call 999, the emergency services phone number. The number
is considered "unlucky." "It's because of superstition," a police
spokesperson said. "People don't like to call this number."

* A struggling Russian clock factory paid its employees in toilet
paper. Each worker received 150 rolls as part of their promised
bonus.

* David Snyder, a marijuana grower and dealer, was arrested
after he took the wrong bag to the laundry/cleaner and an
employee found three pounds of the drug instead of dirty clothes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

*   An inmate, who claims he was wrongly convicted to life in
prison without the possibility for parole, will not be allowed to
sell his body organs to pay for an attorney. Herbert Chastain
wants to sell his kidney, a section of his liver, bone marrow,
blood/plasma and "any other organ and tissue that is
non-life-threatening," according to his own press release. "He's
always trying to sell off his body parts," said a prison spokesperson.
"We don't allow inmates to put their pieces on the open market."

* A man claims his life has been miserable since a hypnotist
placed him on a trance and asked him to simulate having sex
with a chair during a show at a local bar. Alan Nickson testified
in a Wales court that he never came out of the spell and had tried
to make love to his mattress, washing machine, drier, chairs, and
even his bath tub.

* What are friends for? After Paul Simone died in a car crash,
his best friend became the lucky beneficiary of the dead man's
penis -- all 9.75 inches of it -- and plans to get a penile transplant.

* Two Canadian men have completed one week locked inside a
cage and living like chickens. They each received $1,775 from
a video producer filming a documentary about ... "people as chickens."

* What's the new high-tech weapon of choice for common criminals?
Laser pens. You know, those nifty devices used as conference room
pointers. British authorities banned the sale of laser pens with a p
owerful beam after incidents of assault have skyrocketed. The laser
pens can cause temporary blindness. Patrick Rafter, ranked No. 3
tennis player in the world, was a victim of laser beam assault during
a match. Two soccer players were also hit with the lasers, as well as
six bus drivers, a fireman and at least one police officer.

>>> QUOTES OF THE WEEK

* "(The victim) also has difficulty sleeping, driving his manual
car and has lost his libido,"
said an Australian judge as part of his decision to award $432,000
in damages to a 54-year-old man who lost his sex drive after being
attacked by a pig.

* "I know God is enabling me to cure those who ask for help,"
said an Irish Catholic bishop who has recently launched a healing
phone service in which he charges callers per-minute rates for ...
spiritual aid.


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BIZZAROMsg # 58 of 200                  Date: Mon 24/11/1997,  6:35 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: I dont know!

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they
were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps
for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me,
I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And
with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
that Rat Sack, cut it up and snort it just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and
ask, "where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the
cat."



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BIZZAROMsg # 59 of 200                  Date: Mon 24/11/1997,  6:38 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Scratching around my hard-drive. :>

The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say...

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
    friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are
   just too cute.

5. This diamond is way too big.

4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!

2. Does this make my butt look too small?

1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

  **   The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say   **

10. I think The Village People are some cool motherfuckers.

9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Her tits are just too big.

6. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.

4. Maybe I could do the dishes tonight.

3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I get
   to hold your purse.

2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.

1. I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and ask for directions.
Reply
#7
BIZZAROMsg # 60 of 200                  Date: Mon 24/11/1997,  6:44 pm

From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Bill Gates joke #311


Bill Gates Being Sized Up by St. Peter "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on
this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all,
you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home on
the planet, yet you also  reated that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do
something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide
where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between
the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it
will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see
heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing
harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured
by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is
awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the
beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.





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BIZZAROMsg # 61 of 200                  Date: Mon 24/11/1997,  6:51 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Nother one

50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or just Scare the Bejeezus out of People in
the Computer Lab

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh
my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you
can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned  it on, wait 5
minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for  a good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen
than the one it's set up with.

Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by some thing
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.

Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.

Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at every
thing bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.

Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.
Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
 "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

"DISK FIGHT!!!"

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if
you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless.

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 « disc drive, when it doesn't
work, get the supervisor.

When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two
days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this
for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person
enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more
effective to let them linger.

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them
and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk
and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
cotton on plastic.

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this.
Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue
working.

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key
F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire
paper this way.

Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if
I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.

Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar
on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
print out your document and leave.

Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and compl
that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glu
on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out
laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and
leave, howling as you go.

Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand
gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and
yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the comput
and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like
you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure
out you're a total stranger.

Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.

Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily,
exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after
every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug
your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
sit down and begin to type.

Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev
that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that
computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

Two words: Tesla Coil. Note: Tesla Coil - an air-core transformer used to
produce high voltages of high-frequency alternating currents.




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BIZZAROMsg # 62 of 200                  Date: Thu 27/11/1997, 12:07 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: OVI #71


**********************************************************************
   Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #71 Nov. 25, 1997

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 "The ultimate source covering our world's stupidity, craziness
                 and the advancement of the human race"
**********************************************************************

>>> DON'T MESS WITH MY BABY!

MADRID (11-12) - A 50-year-old woman knocked the gun out of
a robber's hands, threw him to the ground and leapt on him, only
to discover he was armed with a toy gun and fake plastic explosives.
The man had grabbed Rosa Cirujano's 25-year-old daughter, pointed
a gun at her, and threatened to kill her unless the bank officers gave
him some cash. The 40-year-old man lifted his shirt to show the explosives.
When Rosa Cirujano learned the weapons were fake, she screamed:
"You idiot. After all that, it was a plastic gun!"
After Cirujano's attack on the robber, others helped to restrain him.
It appears that Cirujano may have avenged herself of an attack by
a masked thief who took her hostage at the same bank last year.
Police are investigating whether the masked thief and robber are one
and the same.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> FALLING DOWN

PITTSBURGH (11-13) - An inmate fell to his death from the eighth
floor of the prison when the bedsheet rope he was using during
an escape attempt broke.
Rayton Jerome Bullok, 18, died after plunging 100 feet at the
Allegheny County Jail. Bullok used a chair to break his cell's
window and attempted lowering himself to the ground by using
several bedsheets tied together. The warden of the jail immediately
called for new shatterproof cell windows.
Bullok was attempting trial on murder charges.

>>> IMPALED BY BOARD

DURHAM, N.C. (11-10) - He fell 30 feet, became impaled by a
2-by-4, which missed all of his major arteries, organs and spine,
but lost half of his small intestine.
Construction worker Lee Hooks was on the roof of an elementary
school building when  he slipped on a safety rope and fell, landing
on a piece of lumber that was on the ground.  Doctors at Duke
University Medical Center cut a 2-foot incision across Hooks'
abdomen in order to remove the board. Hooks is expected to make
a complete recovery, but Dr. Larry Reed said, "Maybe in 6 months
he could be back to his old self."

>>> BIZARRE DEATHS IN CAIRO

CAIRO (11-10) - He went to collect 18 pounds (5 dollars) in
rent, but ended up dying of a heart attack.
Najah Mohammad Abdallah, 38, infuriated by his tenant only
paying 4 dollars, pulled her hair. She fought back by biting his
leg. His blood pressure dropped, he fainted and died. The tenant
was arrested after admitting to biting the landlord, but says that
she had meant him no harm.
In a similar story, a Cairo couple fought over the color of a chick,
which ended with the wife throwing a coffee pot at her husband,
causing his death. The fight broke out over the weekend after
their 12-year-old son came home with a green-colored chick.
The wife felt it was dyed while the father felt it was naturally
green. The wife, determined to win the argument,  threw the
coffee pot, striking her husband's face. He laid down for a nap,
but never woke up. The wife was arrested when she tried to
obtain a burial permit.

>>> HE KILLED THE MESSENGER

HONG KONG (11-10) - She told his parents of his misbehavior
at school and he cracked her head against a wall. Apparently,
12-year-old Han Xiaoyi lured his teacher out of the classroom
at a high school in Changsh and then kicked and beat her.
The teacher died of a hemorrhage. According to published
reports, Han was a poor student and was often in trouble at
school.

>>> WITCHES UNITE

BUCHAREST (11-10) - They are upset over the increasing number
of imposters, so the witches and seers in Romania are setting up
their own labor union.
Clairvoyant Madame Lucretia said that dozens of women are claiming
to be descendants of the famous witch Omida, who died 30 years
ago, and are exploiting her fame to attract customers. "Many people
are stealing our clients," Madame Lucretia said over her cellular phone.
The number of fortune-tellers in Romania has soared in recent years
after the fall of Ceausescu's communist regime. Lucretia says that
many people are pretending to tell the future, so only those who can
"prove their ability to tell the future and lift evil spells will be
admitted" to the union.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* Callers who dialed a toll-free telephone number to receive
more information on real estate properties for sale instead got
a recorded message urging them to talk to "hot horny willing girls."
The mistake was traced to a local printer who changed the phone
number on the signs.

* Radawna Michelle, the Arizona State University crime prevention
coordinator, has been arrested after burglarizing a university office
and taking several compact discs and a small amount of cash.

* A 670-pound man's prison sentence was reduced to house arrest
because he was too big for prison clothes or a prison bed. The
police detective in charge of the case was not very happy about
the reduced punishment. "My view is he's just a thief who happens
to be fat."

* Zhang Chunyu, a 46-year-old Chinese taxi driver, was
found to have four kidneys and four ureters after visiting a
doctor and complaining of stomach aches. Zhang said he never
felt ill and was shocked of the discovery.

* A Virginia University student jumped out of a moving car after
an argument involving a television commercial. Mark Dillon, 23,
was declared dead at the scene. No charges are expected to
be filed against the driver, South Charleston Police Lt. Bill Fink
said.

* A Hong Kong teacher plunged to his death faster than the stock
market. Yu Keung-lun, 25, jumped from the 28th floor of a building
after losing his savings during the recent stock market downfall.
He was found with his share certificates clutched in his hand.

* A 17-year-old was arrested and charged with robbing a
bank while dressed in a cowboy outfit. According to police
reports, Dustin Marshall tipped his hat and yelled "Giddyup!"
as he pointed the "cowboy-type pistol" at bank employees.
Marshall was also charged with robbing another bank six
days later while wearing a ghost mask.

* Police officer Tim Brown heard an unusual voice over his
portable radio. The "voice" started talking about smoking
marijuana and even gave an address where he could be
found. Officer Brown decided to check his police car when
he found Allan Schaeuble, 44, in the front seat of the vehicle
talking on the police radio and holding a marijuana pipe. "It's
definitely the easiest arrest I've ever had," Brown said.

* A Forth Worth man, whose gas has been cut off, died of
asphyxiation after trying to bypass the main meter and attempted
to reconnect the gas pipe directly to his house.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> QUOTES OF THE WEEK

* "To the officer who shot me: I'm sorry to get you involved.
I just needed to die."
From a letter found on the body of Moshe Pergament, who
was shot by Long Island police after he pointed a toy gun
at them. Apparently, Pergament was depressed over $6,000
in gambling debts.

* "I feel like I basically sold a homework assignment,"
said USC student Josh Schwartz who sold his first screenplay
to Columbia Tri Star for $350,000.




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BIZZAROMsg # 63 of 200                  Date: Fri 28/11/1997, 12:51 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Love that magenta Aimee! Wink


Why I Won't Be Coming to Work Today

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks
in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?
No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her
to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal
peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.




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BIZZAROMsg # 64 of 200                  Date: Fri 28/11/1997,  3:35 pm
From: HALO                       Read: 17 times

     To: XLNC
Subject: Re: Toasters...

>OK I Give...
>
>Tell us all about the Toaster, and I'll tell u about the one that
>took 5 of us to Kill...   q8,

Pokay...Well, it goes a little something like this..

Once upon a time (about two weeks ago) Halo decided that she was a little
hungry.  It had been a very bad day for her.  She was booked in at her local
High School after much negotiation to do a lunchtime forum on the Tertiary
Green Paper.  It was pouring with rain, Halo was running late, car has flat
battery.  Halo jumps in taxi, spending precious money to get to school.  At
school, Principle (not so) kindly informed Halo that the Forum was to be
held outside, and that she was welcome to go and see if anyone had turned up
considering the lovely weather.  After being stuck in a cold draughty
corridor for half an hour Halo decided to stuff them all and come back
tomorrow.

Half way to the lovely destination of Queensgate Halo realised that she
would not indeed be in Lower Hutt the next day as she was departing for the
sunny Hawkes Bay.  This realisation resulted in the frantic phoning of
several people to try and find willing victims to appear before the High
School students the next day.  Also, a phone call to the Principle of
aforementioned High School to confirm a room resulted in general nasty
unpleasantries between both parties.  So Halo had very good reason to feel
generally hungry and rather upset by the whole idea.

Halo extracted some yummy fruit muffin splits from the fridge and put on the
kettle for a nice relaxing drink of Milo.  After putting the muffin splits
in the toaster, Halo went to turn it round so she could reach the controlly
thingy.  As Halo gripped both sides of the toaster firmly and picked it up
she noticed that she could feel the most unusual vibrating feeling coming
from the toaster and she became a little worried as her entire body started
spasming uncontrollably and strange howling noises started being emitted
from her vocal cavity.  Her suspicions were confirmed as she suddenly found
herself flying towards the other side of the kitchen.  More strange and
incredibly loud wailing and howling noises were emitted by Halo until her
father came running into the kitchen.  Father waited patiently until he
could translate Halo's strange hand movements and blubbering.  Faulty
toaster was removed, leaving Halo with no feeling in her fingertips for many
hours and more hyterical blubbering and general self-pity for the rest of
the day.  Muffin splits were cruelly rejected.  Yet Halo no longer felt
hungry.  And no longer felt a compulsion to use electrical appliances.

Halo's father considered her rather lucky, he explained two days later, and
a rather large electrical current was taking the scenic route right through
Halo's poor heart.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 65 of 200                  Date: Fri 28/11/1997,  8:22 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: TGIF


Some Things to Think About

WHY ASK WHY?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?


S'more Things to Think About
A tennis ball should always be served but not eaten.
A train has a habit of leaving its tracks behind.

The ocean is deepest at the bottom.

A pony with a cold is a little horse.

Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? ---
I don't know and I don't care!!

I told my wife she should treat me like a fine wine.....
She locked me in a dark cellar....

How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb? ---
Two, the hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.

When I got married I knew what happiness was - but then it was too late.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

A restaurant is a place in which, the tenderer the meat, the tougher
it is to swallow the cheque.

The trouble with eating out is that the tables are reserved, but the
diners aren't.

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what people need to pay their restaurant
tab.

A restaurant is the only place where people are happy when they're fed up.


And Another Thing...
Do you know who in 1923 was:

The President of the largest steel company?
The President of the largest gas company?
The President of the New York Stock Exchange?
The Greatest wheat speculator?
The President of the Bank of International Settlement?
The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful
men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years
later, do you know what has become of these men?

The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, committed suicide.
In the same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship,
Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still
playing golf and is solvent.

CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF!





--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 66 of 200                  Date: Fri 28/11/1997,  8:29 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: hmmm

Mommy, What's the Definition of.....

Abusive
What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?

Amnesia
I forget.

Apathy
I don't care.

Bigotry
I'm not going to tell someone like you.

Blasphemous
God Dammit, I told you not to ask!

Compulsive
I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!

Conditional
Well, it depends.

Damnation
You and your questions can go to hell!

Dictator
I'll tell you when you can ask questions!

Dyslexic
Gniees sdrawkcab.

Egotistical
I'm the best person to answer that question.

Evasive
Have you done your homework today?

Exhausted
I'm too tired to answer you right now.

Flatulent
That question really stinks!

Greedy
What's in it for me if I tell you?

Hemorrhoids
You know, this is a real pain in the ass!

Hostility
If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!

Ignorance
I don't know.

Indifference
It doesn't matter.

Influenza
You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insensitive
I don't care if you don't know the answer.

Insomnia
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Intoxicated
** BURP **

Irreverent
I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Masturbation
I can single-handedly answer that question.

Narcissism
Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

Nausea
That question is going to make me vomit.

Nonchalant
It's not important.

Obstinate
I'm not going to tell you.

Over-Protective
I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

Over-Sensitive
How could you ask me a question like that?

Paranoid
You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?

Pessimistic
I'm sure I won't give the right answer.

Procrastination
I'll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive
I already told you the answer once before.

Secretive
I can't tell you right now.

Self-Centered
Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Senile
When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.

Subjective
It's all in how you look at the question.

Suspicious
Why are you asking me all these questions?

Temperamental
What the hell do you want to know that for???

Withdrawn
""





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BIZZAROMsg # 67 of 200                  Date: Fri 28/11/1997, 11:37 pm
From: XLNC                       Read: 14 times

     To: HALO
Subject: Re: Toasters...

>>Tell us all about the Toaster, and I'll tell u about the one that
>>took 5 of us to Kill...   q8,
>Pokay...Well, it goes a little something like this..
>Once upon a time (about two weeks ago) Halo decided that she was a little
>hungry.  It had been a very bad day for her.
...
>Halo's father considered her rather lucky, he explained two days later, and
>a rather large electrical current was taking the scenic route right through
>Halo's poor heart.

Ok lessee Twas a fine summers evening and I had just turned up at
"the House of Hell" (Well thats how they answered the phone at the Flat..
to find that the toaster had zapped 2 of them thismornin with a bit of a
tingle...
as time (and drinks passed) one member got hungry and cooked some more
Toast....
Long story cut short, the smouldering body was moved aside (Gibbering
somthing about pretty blue lights) from the far side of the kitchen..
Said toaster was carefully removed (With a baseball bat)
where it was rushed to the lower front lawn, (Below the balcony)
where it was pummelled some more... Then in an attempt to leap on it..
a flatemate FELL backwards 1 story from the balcony onto said toaster,
landing on his shoulder and well it did help with the demise of said toaster
yes...
So I then found a Train Brake Shoue (Bout 10kg solid steel)
so after 20 mins or so there was a nice 1 ft hole in the lawn lined with
Toaster chrome...
Then out of the depths came everything burnable, and ...
well the bonfire was great...
the carpet burned the best I think.. but mabee it was that rubber backing
that caused the smoke that got the attention of the fire dept...
Well we were nice n warm by then anywayz

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 68 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997, 12:00 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Ovi#72

**********************************************************************
   Ovi's World of the Bizarre - E-Mail edition- #72 Dec. 04, 1997
            http://www.ovis.com/          ISSN 1092-9940 ©
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 "The ultimate source covering our world's stupidity, craziness
                 and the advancement of the human race"
**********************************************************************

>>> PROTESTORS DEMAND PAY

MOSCOW (11-26) - One man nailed his hand to a wall and
three men are on hunger strikes, two of which have threatened
to set themselves ablaze. This comes as a result of the dire
economic situation in Russia, in which many people haven't been
paid since July.
Although Boris Yeltsin demanded that all arrears be paid by the
end of the year, many senior government officials voiced their
doubts. Tax revenues are running about half those forecast,
causing the International Monetary fund to suspend payments
of its $10 billion dollar loan to Russia. Meanwhile, groups all
over Russia are protesting. There are 32 fasting employees
in one region and 13 in another, all demanding pay for the
months that they have been working.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> BAD JOKE, BAD TIMING

PHNOM PENH, Vietnam (11-28) - Nou Meas, 65, played a bad
joke on his wife when he attempted to surprise and tickle her
from behind. The problem was that his wife was cutting firewood
at the time, or to be more exact, she was cutting firewood ...
with an axe.
Siek Phan's immediate reaction was to swing the axe behind her.
When she turned around, she found her nearly decapitated
husband laying lifeless on the ground. Phan, 62, has been
arrested and charged with murder.

>>> PINK FUZZY DISGUISE

ANAHEIM, Calif. (11-24) - After robbing a bank, a man
slipped into a disguise consisting of a business suit and ...
pink fuzzy slippers.
After being caught, the man couldn't give the police a logical
explanation as to why he was wearing the slippers. He and a
fellow female accomplice also gave conflicting stories. Police
were helped by a resident who reported a burglary, in which
some clothes and pink slippers were stolen. The man and
woman were held on $50,000 bond, each.
Sgt. Joe Vargas said about the disguise," The suit was OK.
But he really should have taken less of a fashion risk with
the shoes."

>>> BLAZING MAD

ZEPHYRHIILS, Fla. (11-24) - A man, apparently mad because
his wife wouldn't go to dinner with him, admitted to the police
that he set their rented mobile home on fire.
The wife, Bonnie Bruinekool, told police that her husband had
eight to 10 beers, then wanted to go to dinner. She refused, but Norman
Bruinekool insisted to take the car. Bonnie refused to hand over the keys,
but walked to a pay phone nearby.  When she returned she found fire coming
out of a rear  bedroom window, apparently caused by  Bruinekool setting the
bed sheets on fire. The mobile home was destroyed, the family  car damaged,
the dog and cat were dead. Mr. Bruinekool stated,  "I know why I did it, I
got nothing to hide."

>>> MAN KILLED BY GOLF SWING

KUALA LAMPUR, Malaysia (11-27) - A man, without much
prior golfing experience, walked too close to his partner as
he was preparing to backswing, got knocked out by the man's
powerful stroke, then immediately got up and apologized for his
interference -- only to collapse and die seconds later.
The 35-year-old man was identified as Anthony Phua, an
attorney who decided to join his close friend for a round of
golf following a wedding reception.

>>> TRAIN CONDUCTOR HAILS A CAB

TOKYO (11-20) - A conductor missed his own train and was
forced to take a cab. Thousands of commuters were delayed
17 minutes and schedules were disrupted as the conductor was
giving chase in a taxi.
The conductor had left the train to check on a commotion
caused by some passengers, flicking a switch to close the
doors as he left. The driver, believing the conductor was on
board, departed. The conductor took a cab from Ichikawa
station east of Tokyo, catching up at the next stop.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> WORLD'S LARGEST PENIS EXTENSION

COPENHAGEN  (11-25)  - A man with a mere 1.77 inch penis
has set a record by having his penis extended to 7.48 inches.
Doctor Joern Ege Siana said that a combination of post-surgical
stretching and surgery had lengthened the 42-year-old patients
flaccid member 5.7 inches. Siana, who made the announcement
in a press release and the Internet, could not be reached for
comment.
A colleague, Jes Bech Mueller, said Siana was busy operating.
Siana said, "Admittedly this case is unique, as penis enlargement
is typically in the range of five to seven centimeters. (2
to 2.7 inches)"

>>> LOOK MA! NO PILOT!

URBANA, Ohio (11-24) - A bizarre incident occurred when Paul
Sirks was trying to get his plane going, after it quit on landing.
Sirks was trying to crank the propeller when the plane took off
without a pilot. It reached 12,000 feet and flew around for two
hours. It finally ran out of gas and crashed in a bean field
northwest of Columbus.

>>> MAN SUFFOCATED BY CAR

DELTONA, Fla. (11-24) - A 66-year-old man was crushed
by his car and suffocated to death. Apparently Matthew T.
Zacharczyp got out of his vehicle, walked 38 feet in front
of it, and crouched down, possibly to call his dog to him.
The dog had a history of running off. While Zacharczyp was
calling for it, the car started rolling, traveling between 2 to 3
m.p.h.. A woman driving down the street saw the man kicking
from under the car. The front left tire was on Zacharczyp's legs,
and his head was centered beneath the vehicle, leading police
to believe that he suffocated, since the injuries weren't enough
to kill him. The dog was later captured by the Deltona animal
control.


>>> IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:

* After an argument with a colleague, an Indian construction
worker said he wanted to whisper something important in his
ear. Instead, he bit off the man's ear. Vinayak Kadam has been
arrested for assault. "He said he ate the ear for fun," a police
officer was quoted as saying.

* A 60-year-old Japanese man choked to death in a sushi-eating
contest. The man died after swallowing three sushi rolls, each
measuring 8 inches in length.

* A British police officer was charged with faking a gun attack
on his patrol car and making up a story about being stabbed,
all because he wanted his fellow officers to like him. Michael
Taylor, 41, was placed on two-year probation and ordered to
receive psychiatric treatment.

* A British Gas employee has been locked up by seven
disgruntled elderly women after a dispute with the gas company.
The seven women, with an average age of 78, decided to
detain the worker inside a room at their old people's home
because the gas company demanded money after their facility
went all electric 13 months earlier.

* A fast food manager was able to dial 9-1-1 with his tongue
after being tied up during a store robbery in Lacey, Washington.
The unidentified man lifted the cordless phone receiver with
his nose and dialed the numbers with his tongue.

* Three construction workers returned $80,000 in unmarked
bills which were accidentally left outside a Fountain Hills,
Arizona bank. The bank gave them a reward ... $50 each.

* Thailand's Deputy Interior Minister Vatana Asavahame had
announced that male prisoners will be allowed to have sex
with their wives in "special" prison rooms. The program is a
"morale booster" for the prisoners. How about female inmates?
"We are afraid it will lead to legal problems if they get pregnant,"
Minister Asavahame said.

* 911 dispatcher Tracy Mosier was much calmer than the
woman at the other end of the line who began yelling "My pig!
She's choked and she's passed out." Mosier coached the woman
step-by-step through the Heimlich maneuver. Pig belched; pig
lived; pig happy.

* A 17-year-old German juvenile suffered severe burns after
trying to burst open a cigarette vending machine by spraying
hair spray inside the coin slot and igniting it.

>>> QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"He was an exemplary father. He was a committed family man,
very dedicated. The most important thing in his life was his
children."
- statement by Zia Khan, 36, about his father, the very same
father who shot and wounded him and also killed his brother
because they ignored him while watching television.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 69 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997, 12:13 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: Life


The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is
that it has never tried to contact us.

Merry Christmas.

Oh and on the subject of Bizarre and Christmas.... download the JPG it
really does sum it all up quite nicely.

Zos.

Message has attached file (SANTA.JPG, 65k). Download now?  Na  Yup   Na 
Reply
#8
BIZZAROMsg # 70 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997, 12:17 am

From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: Life goes on..


Did you view the JPG ?

My first thought was "Spiro! is that you?"   :>  :>  :>

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 71 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997, 12:51 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Thinking...


The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things
never leave you.

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 72 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  1:02 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Thinking....

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I
usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came
to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 73 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  1:04 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Thinking....

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven
or pizza heaven, choose pizza heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's
not, mmmmmmm, boy.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think
how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real
grenade at them.

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 74 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  1:15 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 19 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :  Welcome NEWBIES to Board Shitles
Subject: Thinking

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of
the face.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas
with some good ideas.

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 75 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  1:24 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 18 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :  What is there to do in Wellingto
Subject: Thinking...

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it
"dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant,
and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got
worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary
told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited,
and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor
put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious
old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone
about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.
Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his
story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought:
"This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started
thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story
was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too
long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was
a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 76 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  5:51 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Thinking...

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one
of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
"Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"?
I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back
and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 77 of 200                  Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  6:48 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Spice Girls

The Top 15 Questions on the Spice Girl Job Application



15.In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want
this job.

14.Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your hooters?

13.Would it, like, bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?

12.How would you best describe yourself? ( ) An energetic self-starter ( ) A
team player ( ) A tasty, albeit untalented,  bit of crumpet.

11.True or false: A mosh pit is the seed of the mosh fruit.

10."I am willing to trade sexual favors for a career in the music industry."
( ) Yes ( ) No

9.How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?

8.Does nudity bother you? If so, should I put my clothes back on?

7.Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will
in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern
behavioralist psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather
min-skirts?

6.Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic light?

5.Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Chlamydia.

4.Have you ever been convicted of combining vertical and horizontal stripes?


3.If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and 75
kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look
in spandex?

2.Does the term "force majeure in perpetuity" make you afraid or just
giggly?

and the Number 1 Question on the Spice Girl Job Application...

1.If required as part of your deal with Satan, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?




--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 78 of 200                  Date: Fri 12/12/1997,  6:37 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Glasses on, Glasses off


Im glad its Friday, I could'nt have gone another round with the week thats
just been.
As we all rush headlong into the chaos that is called Christmas, that over
rated, hyped-up excuse to spend money we dont have on people we dont like.
I wonder is it all really worth the stress? It takes all year to save up
enough money to just make it through till January 5th, I'll probably put on
at least a couple of KG's in weight, get thoroughly pissed more times than
my system can handle and spend more money on utter crap than the average
3rd world country spends on weapons of mass destruction in a week.

Yes, I've decided I hate Christmas! I have come to the slow and painfull
realisation that the "X" in Xmas is in fact a warning for world wary fools
like us to avoid it at all cost.

I have made myself a new Calender. It has the month of December removed with
a white-out pen and in crayon I have inserted an arrow pointing straight to
January. Then after January I have inserted another arrow pointing to May
the back to January#2.
My reasons for this are manifold, firstly I think we would all be much
better of if we had this Christmas off, I mean really once a year is just
way too much!.

Secondly the weather is much better in January and under my calender we
will get not one but two awesum January's to laze about in the sun.
Which brings me to the reason for a nice cool May chucked into the middle.
You see May is also a very Cool much in more ways than one. Firstly its the
middle of the year and it gives me the feeling that I may ;> just make it
through another one. Secondly it will enable us to appreciate the warmth
and sunshine of the January #2 that follows.

I havent quite sorted out the leap year thingy but Im working on it Wink

Zosimos: Barely capable of still writing his own mesages.

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 79 of 200                  Date: Sat 13/12/1997,  8:14 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: What a bloody day!!!!


Today I have had the most stressfull day I have had since my last stressful
day.
I stopped off at a friends place to drop off some gear and promptly had my
cellphone, chequebook and credit cards all stolen from the car I was in.
I had my back turned for only 2 minutes but in that time someone snuck up
the driveway and rifled through the car.

I came back to find a "Nike" baseball cap sitting on the drivers seat where
one had not been two minutes previous!
I saw that the cellphone was gone and my other stuff. I rushed down the
drive but no-one was in sight.

Friend called the police and I went off in search of the owner of the
baseball cap. I borrowed another cellphone and constantly called my number
untill.....( I was just interupted by the police, they dropped around to
get more details and tell me the outcome)

....untill I heard my phone ringing somewhere off in the distance. I found
it stuffed under a neighbours hedge. In the back yard of the property were
a group of Maori teenagers and I questioned them about it, they completely
ignored me except for one of them that looked rather worried.
I pressed him and told him that either the police dogs could find my stuff
or he could, his choice.

Then surprise, surprise out from behind a bush comes my credit cards and
chequebook along with several others.
Im happy kind of, but I had allready cancelled all my credit cards and only
a couple of them can be reactivated the others will inccur a $10 fee and a
new card 10 working days away.

The kid that stole them was only 16 so the cops can do stuff all.
I'll just put it behind me and chalk another one up for the good guys.
So far no one has ever managed to steal anything from me without me
personally hunting them down and catching them.  :>

Zos: Manhunter ;>

-
Reply
#9
BIZZAROMsg # 80 of 200                  Date: Sat 13/12/1997, 10:58 pm

From: XLNC                       Read: 13 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: Re: What a bloody day!!!!

>Today I have had the most stressfull day I have had since my last stressful
>day.
>I stopped off at a friends place to drop off some gear and promptly had my
>cellphone, chequebook and credit cards all stolen from the car I was in.
>I had my back turned for only 2 minutes but in that time someone snuck up
>the driveway and rifled through the car.

A friend of the family found a Cellphone in his back yard...
Called the police who took fingerprints...
Got the guy...
Funny thing is the phone had been stolen from the other end of the
country 5 years ago and couldn't be used (Old type with set number...)
What a sucker the crook was for keeping it heheh.

When our house got burgled, the crooks took all sorts of things..
but they took everything (Except for my Vid Cam) to the same dump house...
the crooks had advertised a guitar for sale, and the cops doin a bust on
an increas in musical instruments, sent an undercover to each one
advertised... Found the Guitar was on their list, went in with a warrent
and among all the other stuff, Got All our gear back. Kool.
(Whats more, when the kids took out brand new keyboard, they took off
the chrome legs with Bare hands and left behind a beautiful set of prints
q8)

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 81 of 200                  Date: Sun 14/12/1997,  3:55 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: G.O.G.O

Wrong Number...?



Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel  opened nearby and had
acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her.
Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case
to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its
stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just
because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't
make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to
take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and
asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How
many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two
bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the
10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she
would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be
necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a
college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch
the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon
when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in
June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would
be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The
mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral
arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet  parking, but we
always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen
parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel
might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said,
"We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."




--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 82 of 200                  Date: Mon 15/12/1997,  9:08 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: ...


I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it
round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped
he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was
crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.


--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 83 of 200                  Date: Thu 18/12/1997,  1:13 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Joke

An old Digger (Aussie soldier) was sitting on a bus on his way to the RSA
when a Punk rocker sits down opposite him.

The Punk Rocker has hair that is sticking up vertical and brightly coloured
yellow, green, red and blue.

The old man stares at the punk for a while untill the punk can't stand the
staring any longer.

"Whats up you old fart, did'nt you ever do anything outrageous when you were
young?"

"Well" replied the old Digger" I once screwed a parrot while in the Congo
and I was wondering if perhaps you were my son!"


:>   There folks and I wrote this one myself !  ZOS Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 84 of 200                  Date: Thu 18/12/1997,  8:51 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: My god I dont remember eating that!


Friends of mine keep horses, last night I was lucky enough to be the first
person to see the new foal moments after it was born and I had the job of
breaking the news to all and sundry. (I love waking people up)  :>

We all stood around in a paddock at 1am talking about how calm the mother
was depsite just having given birth to 4 long legs on a tiny body.

We surmised that the foal had probably just fallen out and the startled
mom probably turned around and thought "My God!! I dont remember eating
that!"   Smile

ZOS.



--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 85 of 200                  Date: Mon 22/12/1997,  7:18 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: Lucky dip time.

The Interview....

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the
young Engineer fresh out of Varsity, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $100,000 a year, depending on
the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
Leave, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -
say, a red BMW ?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

The HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."






--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 86 of 200                  Date: Wed  7/01/1998, 12:15 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Hi!

I'll Bet...


A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with  a
large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open
an account to make a substantial deposit,  in excess of $200,000. Further,
she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with
the president of  the bank to make the necessary arrangements.

The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of
cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president,
who agreed to see the woman. The teller  escorted her to the president’s
office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.

She repeated her request to open an account.

The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity
was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such
a large sum of cash?"

"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."

"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or
in casinos...?"

"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I`ll bet you
$50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will  be square."

The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up
such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return
at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.

As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make
sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled
his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf  match and went home early.

The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find
that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed
for the bank, laughing all the  way at the unexpected windfall that was
about to become his.

The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied
by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he
was her lawyer, who she always  brought along when payoffs involving
significant sums were involved.

The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the
funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the
evidence for herself, considering  the amount at stake.

He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up,
unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect
his jewels for any abnormalities.

As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the
corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What is the
matter with him?"

She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied,
"Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the
president of the bank by the balls."

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 87 of 200                  Date: Wed  7/01/1998, 12:18 am
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Thinking,,,


I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up
and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just
said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking
out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or
something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone
double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 88 of 200                  Date: Mon 12/01/1998, 10:00 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: Hi!




                      \|/
                     (@ @)
          +----oOO----(_)-----------+
          |         ZOSIMOS         |
          |           for           |
          |        President        |
          +-----------------oOO-----+
                    |__|__|
                     || ||
                    ooO Ooo



--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 89 of 200                  Date: Sun 25/01/1998,  2:24 pm
From: HARDY                      Read: 25 times

     To: All                     Fwd From:                                    
Subject: Is this an Area

|Zos's note, this is the best case for shooting people that use OLMR's that
I have seen.| (end)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Is this an area?


 _____________/-Luke Hardiman\____\-SySop OF Lawless BBS\_______________________________________/-478-4546  /\Become a Paid Member today and feel the freedom Wink\
------------  --------------------------------------------------/

... Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (S)lap nearest innocent bystander.

___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.20
Reply
#10
BIZZAROMsg # 90 of 200                  Date: Mon 26/01/1998,  7:17 pm

From: MARK RUBY                  Read: 20 times

     To: All                     Fwd From:                                    
Subject: Re: Is this an Area

>Is this an area?
>
>
> _____________>/-Luke Hardiman\____>\-SySop OF Lawless BBS\_______________________________________>/-478-4546  /\Become a Paid Member today and feel the freedom Wink\
>------------  --------------------------------------------------/
>
>... Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (S)lap nearest innocent bystander.
>
>___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.20

No its aplace set aside for idiots with OLMR's, that leave more tag than
content!!!!

I've got to forward this one to "BIZZARO" its beyond belief!! sheesh!!

.....and so I did!  :>  <ZOS>  :>

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 91 of 200                  Date: Wed  4/03/1998,  5:58 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: HORUS
Subject: Re: Spot the swot, eh what?

Re-Rasputin

>He's not the only one gone a.w.o.l. It seems that Idiot Savant has done
>a bunk, too. I must admit that I was surprised that he didn't get into
>the spirit of posting in Block! I recall reading some messages of his
>where he was bemoaning the lack of Flaming. That was the reason I posted
>my first message in the flame subbie, waited a few days thinking that he
>might be gearing up, but still no sign of him.

I never replied to any of his messages, he rubbed me the wrong way.
He only posts when he's in Welly on holiday at Xmas. (Or so Im lead to
believe)
>
>Does Joy De Vivre live out of the area now? Where have some of the
>posters whose messages still linger, disappeared to? I can understand
>people slipping out the back door from time to time, but you'd think
>that curiousity would see them return once in a while.

They have mostly moved on. Joy still drops in from time to time (like every
six months) but never posts the way she used to.

One Thumb only posted in the Unicorn.

Skidmark/Sir Mudguard and his good lady Little Bo Peep moved on after
realising that they had spent hundreds of hours in this place, and decided
to get a life.

Witch Won had a run in with POD and has never been seen again.

Harry Red moved on in life.

BJ the Hun was cornered so often that he decided to post on other boards.

Gizmo is around somewhere, he now flats with Pu(k and Halo. Theres no
computer at the flat.

Trekker drops in from time to time, but again he has moved on to other areas
of interest.

Lucky Luke got bored I think. He's like that Wink

who else is there?....

Grey Ghost left in a hail of controversy after upsetting the sysop and
having a very public fight with nearly everyone from POD to Joy.

Lupus faded away due to family committments. He's bound to show up again
anytime.

Deth came and went in his usual flamboyant style

Death came and went.

Theres a couple of others that I cant remember, Aimee's sure to fill in the
rest.  Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 92 of 200                  Date: Thu  5/03/1998,  7:25 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: bla


Did you know who was responsible for HAL the errant computer in 2001 A Space
Odyssey?

Take each of the letters in H.A.L and replace it with the letter the follows
it in the alphabet.


-------------------------------------------------------------- 

BIZZAROMsg # 93 of 200                  Date: Thu  5/03/1998,  7:30 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: bzzz


I remember being at school that day. It was a week day Im almost sure of
that. I ate my lunch and then played in the dirt under the monkey bars.
Melisa called me a dummy. I lost my lucky toe-nail clipping in the gravelly
patch under the swings.
Those were the best days of my life.
They said that there was a lot more to being a caretaker than just driving
the tractor. They were right.


--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 94 of 200                  Date: Thu  5/03/1998,  8:22 pm
From: HORUS                      Read: 15 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: oo..ooh..witchy woman

Tell me, Zosimos, is there any chance that our Sysoptress is a student
of numerology?

She has given me my subbie `Vapours!' and it lies 32nd in the list.
Now I just happen to be 32 and as I had a can raised to my lips when
this fact dawned on me I very nearly spilled good booze down the front
of a bad shirt.

Can you please tell me, dear Abbe...aah Zosimos, whether or not I am
reading too much into this spooky suspicion of mine?
---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------

BIZZAROMsg # 95 of 200                  Date: Fri  6/03/1998,  5:29 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 12 times

     To: HORUS
Subject: Re: oo..ooh..witchy woman


>Tell me, Zosimos, is there any chance that our Sysoptress is a student
>of numerology?
>
>She has given me my subbie `Vapours!' and it lies 32nd in the list.
>Now I just happen to be 32 and as I had a can raised to my lips when
>this fact dawned on me I very nearly spilled good booze down the front
>of a bad shirt.
>
>Can you please tell me, dear Abbe...aah Zosimos, whether or not I am
>reading too much into this spooky suspicion of mine?

You are not wrong my good man. When added together the numbers 3 and 2 equal
the sum of 5. This is also the exact number of letters in the name HORUS.

If we then take 5 away from 32 this equals 27 which just so happens to be my
age!

Adding the 2 and the 7 from my age together produces 9 . If we then remove 9
from 27 we have 18, which I believe just so happens to be Bloodswords age!

I could go on but it just gets way more frightening!




--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 96 of 200                  Date: Sat  7/03/1998, 12:37 pm
From: HORUS                      Read: 12 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: oo..ooh..witchy woman


H>Tell me, Zosimos, is there any chance that our Sysoptress is a student
H>of numerology?

H>She has given me my subbie `Vapours!' and it lies 32nd in the list.
H>Now I just happen to be 32 and as I had a can raised to my lips when

H>Can you please tell me, dear Abbe...aah Zosimos, whether or not I am
H>reading too much into this spooky suspicion of mine?

ZO>You are not wrong my good man. When added together the numbers 3 and 2 equ
ZO>the sum of 5. This is also the exact number of letters in the name HORUS.

As I type this I am suffering from a monstrous hangover. There a 45 or
90 letters in that last sentence, and I am in the process of learning to
type from the foetal position. Its nice and cool down here on the floor.

ZO>If we then take 5 away from 32 this equals 27 which just so happens to be
ZO>age!

My God, man, your almost as young as Sparks! Desist posting in the Old
Farts subbie until there's hair on your chest.

ZO>Adding the 2 and the 7 from my age together produces 9 . If we then remove
ZO>from 27 we have 18, which I believe just so happens to be Bloodswords age!

I was really tempted to add that 18 was Bloodsword's I.Q, but as this is
not the Block subbie, I shall refrain from saying that 18 is
Bloodsword's I.Q.  Actually, insinuating that Bloodsword has an I.Q of
18 might be doing the poor man a huge disservice, his I.Q, for all I
know, may be in the high 20's.

ZO>I could go on but it just gets way more frightening!

I agree, with the hangover, and the mathematics you have just foisted
upon on ailing brain, I don't know whether to laugh or scream!

I'll tell you what I find frightening........

You rattle that mumbo-jumbo off without the aid of an olmr. That means
you have the `fluff of numbers' caroming around in your scone. I'll bet
you look forward to senile decay, just so the screaming goes away!

ps. whoops..the room's begun to spin.....

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 97 of 200                  Date: Sat  7/03/1998,  8:52 pm
From: XLNC                       Read: 12 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: Re: bla

>Did you know who was responsible for HAL the errant computer in 2001 A Space
>Odyssey?
>Take each of the letters in H.A.L and replace it with the letter the follows
>it in the alphabet.

C =  3 * 6 =  18
O = 15 * 6 =  90
M = 13 * 6 =  78
P = 16 * 6 =  96
U = 21 * 6 = 126
T = 20 * 6 = 120
E =  5 * 6 =  30
R = 18 * 6 = 108
           = 666

I allways liked that 1...

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 98 of 200                  Date: Sat  7/03/1998, 10:05 pm
From: HORUS                      Read: 12 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: oo..ooh..witchy woman


H>You rattle that mumbo-jumbo off without the aid of an olmr. That means
H>you have the `fluff of numbers' caroming around in your scone. I'll
H>bet you look forward to senile decay, just so the screaming goes
H>away!

ZO>The voices never stop. The only good side to it all is that they can add,
ZO>can't.

I've started counting your personalities. So far I can recall 4.

1. The Killer.
2. The Priest.
3. The Unrequited Paramour
4. The Mathematician.

I sincerely hope they all help towards the rent!

H>ps. whoops..the room's begun to spin.....

ZO>Was good yes?

Only so-so! Went to see some mates playing in a band. Drank large
amounts on an empty gut, walked 2 miles home, fell over on the footpath,
climbed a grass bank for a secretive slash, fell down the bank, lay
starfish-like on my back staring at the stars for half an hour, and I
was only 400 metres from home. Staggered inside, slumped in front of my
computer, logged on here, downloaded my mail, realised I was too drunk
to read it, let alone reply to it, fell asleep in my chair.

ZO>I sat home and did nothing Friday night,

You woke up on Saturday with more money than me!

ZO>my good lady was out in search of a better speciman. She calls it
ZO>a girls night out.  I call it trawling for men. Luckily she failed
ZO>to find anything but tiddlers.

I've seen those groups of women out for a `girls night'. Nothing but
trouble, they are, looking all coy and pert, dressed up to the nines,
wherever a man looks, he's reminded of her-in-doors and her promises
involving blood and sharp instruments!

A while ago, I was out with friends at a nightclub. A female friend of
ours wanted to dance and after several `buggeroff, I'm here to drink'
type statements, I relented. When I deign to dance, I like to enjoy
myself, so I get down up close, if you catch my drift, man. The cheeky
tart pushes me away mid-song, stares at me funnily and walks off the
dance-floor. When I get back to our table, I hear her telling the other
guys that she'd given me an erection! Of course, in a bemused fashion, I
defend myself with much profanity, she does not believe me. Twenty
minutes later, I pat my pockets looking for my lighter, and BUGGER ME,
I realise she thinks my lighter is my old feller, all proud-like!
Now I really have to persuade her! Have you seen the size of a Bic
lighter? She still doesn't believe me. I made damn sure I told the wife
when I got home, lest she heard it through a diseased grapevine!


BTW We both know their all tiddlers out there, they just have to find
that out for themselves, don't they? If I had the money, I would open a
club where you had to be at least 25 to get in, expensive membership,
cheap drinks, a good band every night of the week, and absolutely no
women under the age of 20, no matter how old their sugar daddy was!

Young women, and I know there are exceptions to the rule, don't have
much to say for themselves a) because their ditsy b) they simply haven't
been around long enough to form opinions of their own.

Two weeks ago I was talking to 21yr old twin girls who want to go over
to Aussie and teach people how to ski.  I asked them how long they had
been skiing and they said they'd done it once! T'was a hard job keeping
a straight face. One of them wore braces, and when I asked her why, as
there was nothing wrong with her teeth, she pouted at me and flounced
off in a huff. Maybe she wore them so people could tell them apart.
They were both nice girls, just a little under-done in life experience.

Here's a bizzare question for you!

What appeals to your baser instincts more.
A twin sandwich or a mother/daughter combo?

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
BIZZAROMsg # 99 of 200                  Date: Mon  9/03/1998,  7:53 pm
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 11 times

     To: HORUS
Subject: Re: oo..ooh..witchy woman

>ZO>The voices never stop. The only good side to it all is that they can add,
>ZO>can't.
>
>I've started counting your personalities. So far I can recall 4.
>
>1. The Killer.
>2. The Priest.
>3. The Unrequited Paramour
>4. The Mathematician.
>
>I sincerely hope they all help towards the rent!

When I first created Zosimos I knew exactly what I wanted him to be. But
then bits of me kept slipping through. My rather offbeat sense of humour is
something that I can't easily conceal. The sort of stuff I was posting 18
months ago rarely shows up now.
The result is a bit of a mismash of persona's. It really depends on what
mood Im in.

Today I'm a bit depressed, my cat has disappeared and Im fairly stressed
about my work situation. The result is that you're seeing the real me
instead of a character I've created.

>ZO>my good lady was out in search of a better speciman. She calls it
>ZO>a girls night out.  I call it trawling for men. Luckily she failed
>ZO>to find anything but tiddlers.
>
>I've seen those groups of women out for a `girls night'. Nothing but
>trouble, they are, looking all coy and pert, dressed up to the nines,
>wherever a man looks, he's reminded of her-in-doors and her promises
>involving blood and sharp instruments!

I had a terrible weekend as a result of her girls night-out. She got all
depressed yesterday because she thinks that she must be ugly because no one
ever seems to even try to chat her up, except ugly drunks and jerks.
There are a couple of guys from her work that she met up with apparently and
although nothing happened, she can't understand why they don't even try.

I point out that for one thing she should'nt even be caring about such
things when she has a boyfriend, but that does'nt help her much.
It all leaves me feeling a little unsettled to say the least.
You see she is a very, very attractive woman. Most guys would'nt even try to
chat her up because she looks like she should be on the cover of Vogue or
Cleo. The only reason that we ended up together is because we started out as
just friends and grew from that. I figured when I first met her that she
would have had some rich handsome boyfriend that drove a BMW and such.

She did have a boyfriend but he was an accountant and very dull. He did'nt
mind me around as I was just some guy that she was friends with.
Anyway he got too boring and I've been with her ever since (nearly two
years).

She's very insecure so she does'nt want to break up but on the other hand
theres not much left of our relationship.
I don't want to break up with her as I'll probably never meet another girl
that is so intelligent/funny and beautifull again.
But I think it's just a matter of time.
Especially if she keeps going out trawling Wink

>
>A while ago, I was out with friends at a nightclub. A female friend of
>ours wanted to dance and after several `buggeroff, I'm here to drink'
>type statements, I relented. When I deign to dance, I like to enjoy
>myself, so I get down up close, if you catch my drift, man. The cheeky
>tart pushes me away mid-song, stares at me funnily and walks off the
>dance-floor. When I get back to our table, I hear her telling the other
>guys that she'd given me an erection! Of course, in a bemused fashion, I
>defend myself with much profanity, she does not believe me. Twenty
>minutes later, I pat my pockets looking for my lighter, and BUGGER ME,
>I realise she thinks my lighter is my old feller, all proud-like!
>Now I really have to persuade her! Have you seen the size of a Bic
>lighter? She still doesn't believe me. I made damn sure I told the wife
>when I got home, lest she heard it through a diseased grapevine!
>

Yeah I think I even heard about the guy with the two inch erection, they
have a plaque dedicated to him at the Big Sleasy. ;>

>
>Here's a bizzare question for you!
>
>What appeals to your baser instincts more.
>A twin sandwich or a mother/daughter combo?

Neither, Im still looking for a woman that has a sense of adventure in the
bedroom. I've only ever met two and It was so long ago that my list of new
things to try should we ever meet again is longer than my stamina could
handle.
Reply


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