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Humour for the Streets!
#21
HUMOURMsg # 325 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/12/1996,  2:25 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: And more :>

                Proper Diskette and Care Usage


(1)  Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the
     disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.  Diskettes should
     be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
    particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface
    of the disk.  Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring
    powder and steel wool.  When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface
    is even.  This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in
    better access time.

(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.  "Big"
    Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.  The data can fall
    off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the
    drive.

(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy
    machine.  If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert
    TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data
    will be written onto both disks.  A handy tip for more legible backup
    copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to
    make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes
    before inserting them into the drive.

(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the
    red light is on or flashing.  Doing so could result in smeared or
    possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing
    in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state.  If your system is
    hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being
    allowed to access the slot.

(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk
    from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes.  This will pack
    the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage.  Be sure
    to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
    diskette jacket.  This will provide more simultaneous access points to
    the disk.

(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs
    from spreading.....



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HUMOURMsg # 326 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/12/1996,  2:28 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: And more :>  fun huh?

It is my understanding that in a small obscure country in Europe lives a
small hairy animal called the mo.  The mo consists almost entirely of hair.
 Its tiny little body has almost no flesh with very spindly legs and arms.
It just looks large due to its fur coat.

The animal used to occur in the wilds but has since become extinct and now
is only raised in captivity for its valuable fur coat.  When the mo becomes
full grown, it is sheared (more like shaved) for this valuable coat of fur.
Although each pelt is small, all of their pelts are collected and from the
collection of all of these luxuriant soft fur coats is made the famous
mohair sweaters.

Many think that due to the fact that the mo is reduced to such a small
entity (extremely small body) after being harvested and therefore cannot be
readily seen that there is no mo.  As in the wilds, there were some, but
now alas, no mo.

Now the mo's size is a direct result of the amount of hair coat that
they've grown, grown with great pride.  In the mo community their stature
is determined by the size of their coat of fur.

The mo is a very personable, gregarious animal and after shearing with
their tremendous loss of size and incumbent loss of community stature they
just die of embarrassment. Yes, actually waste away, if that's even
possible considering their miniscule size after shearing.

The tiny little carcasses are collected at the mo farm's in piles called
mo-hills.  As time and piling on of more mo carcasses continues the
furriers make mountains out of the mo-hills.

Footnote:
Some say that even though the little mo's are base animals they do display
a distinct penchant for goodness, that is why many have called them holy
mo's.

A mo (with their full coat of hair) look a little like this:
            (Larger than actual size)

                                     \\\\||||////
                                     \\\\\|||//////
                                    \\\         ////
                                   \\\    _   _    ///
                                   ---    Q   Q    - -
                                   ///      ^      \\\
                                    ////         \\\\
                                     ///////||\\\\\
                                       /////||\\\\
                                          |    |
                                          |    |
                                          L    L

                      and are about the size of a dustbunny.


         Actual size *


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HUMOURMsg # 327 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/12/1996,  2:31 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: And more.  coz I like 'em.

Ok.. it's cause I've got rubbish all through my disk, and if I post them
here, I don't need to have directories called 'Text\humour\crap' on my
personal machine :>

Enjoy :>



                     Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
                               Episode 10

(Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Marvin are still on their way to find out more
about Life, the Net, and Everything. From off in the distance they hear a
hollow roar punctuated by gunfire. Before they have a chance to grasp the
situation, a huge battle tank screeches to a halt in front of them. It is a
fearsome device with great nasty teeth painted on it. The cannon looks as
if it could punch a hole through a small planet. A hatch opens and a
rightly uniformed man steps out, crushing a passing cat under his boot.)

Cat:           (splat)

Rod:           Wh . . . who are you?

Roarin' George:I'm General Roarin' George Pahton. I heard there was some
               Singularans around here. Thought I'd do some American style
               joggering.

Xaphod:        Oh yeah, they went that a way.

Arnold Lint:   Why does everyone pick on the Singularans? They only seek
               meaningful personal relationships with people they find
               special.

Roarin' George:Right, that's it, we're gonna have some order around here.
               No more of these damn cliches. From here on out, the
               following rules will apply: Anyone who uses the phrases
               'special', 'personal relationship', or 'meaningful
               relationship' WILL be fined twenty dollars for the first
               offense. Subsequent offenders will have their genitalia
               removed with a sharp rock. Anyone who corrects the spelling
               of another, WILL be fined 100 dollars. I won't stand for any
               namby-pamby intellectuals checking spelling when there's so
               much to do. Anyone caught agreeing with anything an
               oppositely gendered personnel says in an obvious attempt to
               make points, WILL have both kneecaps shattered with a
               ball-pean hammer. Likewise, anyone saying things which are
               right out of soap operas with the intentions mentioned above
               WILL also have his (or her) kneecaps shattered with a
               ball-pean hammer. Remember, this is the NET, it's tough out
               there. Keep your emotions to yourself, do you want a bunch of
               commies to read that gooey crap? Why they'll think we're
               wimps, then they'll invade. They've started infiltrating
               already - ever been to one of the dating service places?
               They're all commies, draining away our precious bodily
               fluids. Now, get back to work!

(With that, he climbs back into the tank and drives off, casually blowing a
4 foot hole in a nearby wall. Just then, the 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder
springs to life. On it is a man in a white suit with a bible in one hand
and a microphone in the other. He speaks: "Friends. Why are we here today?
We are here to hear the words - (Amen) - to hear the holy words from the
Holy Box - (Amen). Oh blessed be the Holy Box, and it's disciples: Prophet
Ronko, Prophet K-Dul, and the Prophet Popeel - (Amen Amen Amen). Yes, they
lead us to immaculate spending. We here at the Church of the Divine Vision
believe in Johnny and Merv and Mike. TV is the reflection of life, and life
is a reflection of reality, therefore TV IS REALITY.  Yes, Mrs Olson may be
a Nazi, but if you buy Foljers, you can bake just like her. And Robert Yung
may have multiple personalities and a penchant for farm animals, but if you
drink his coffee, you can remain calm in the midst of a nuclear explosion .
. . ")

Rod:           Shut that OFF.

Xaphod:        Bloody religious fanatics.

Arnold Lint:   What an odd religion, worshiping a TV, seems hard to believe.

Martin:        Not really, just another awful attempt to deal with this
               miserable Net. It's all a cop out. You can't understand
               something so you pretend that there is something else in
               control. It's all rubbish.

Gillian:       Quiet. Of course there's a supreme being.

Martin:        If you say so, but if God didn't already exist, he would
               have to be invented.

Rod:           It's hopeless talking to him.

("The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that the members of the
Church of the Divine Vision are basically agnostics. They prefer to believe
what they see on the tube to what some half starved people wrote about over
2000 years ago. They can't meet God, but if the TV gives them trouble, they
can always replace it. Their belief led to the writing of the Video
Testament, which is the gospel for all believers in the Holy Box. Although
it seems unlikely, the Church of the Divine Vision was supposed to have
formed some amazing concepts as to how the Net exists.)

Gillian:       Let's go.

Martin:        Do we have to?

(They all ignore Martin and press on. Two days later they arrive at their
destination. In front of them is a rather bug-eyed looking lizard.)

Xaphod:        Hey man, are you the one with the dope on Life, the Net, and
               Everything.

Lizard:        Yes, I am Teddy the Wonder Lizard. I know all there is to
               know about Life, the Net, and Everything.

Rod:           Well, tell us!

Gillian:       Please do!

Teddy:         You won't like it.

Martin:        (sarcastically) Now that's a real surprise.

Teddy:         Are you sure you want to know?

Arnold Lint:   Yes, what is it, got to more than forty-bloody-two.

Teddy:         Yes, that was the answer we told the Net. We figured that
               the real answer was so awful, they'd rather get something
               vague and argue about it forever.

Xaphod:        Well, out with it.

Teddy:         It's all here, in the Video Testament!

(He hands Xaphod an old looking book, pops about a dozen valiums, and then
switches on a nearby TV set. He is watching 'Real People'.)

Xaphod:        Well, that should finish him off.

Arnold Lint:   The drugs?

Rod:           No, 'Real People', lowers the IQ so much that the brain just
               packs it in and you die.

Gillian:       Find the answer already!

Xaphod:        Okay, now lets see . . .

        ******************** End Of Part 10 ********************

What is the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything? Why are we here?
Are we here? And why is it that vampires never attack Jewish
neighborhoods? For the answers to some of these questions . . . Tune in
next time . . .  same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 328 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/12/1996,  2:36 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: English is a crazy language :>

                       English is a Crazy Language

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb thru annals of history but not a single annal?  If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital?  Send shipments by car and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites?  How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike?  How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent?  Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?  Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love?  Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?  And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible.  And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 329 of 622                 Date: Tue  3/12/1996,  7:42 pm  [E]
From: BJ THE HUN                 Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: Groossss joke

Yukky one:

A man and a woman are in a diner having some food, when she begins to choke
on something;

'Help! Is there a doctor in the house' cried the man
'ack ack, cough cough' spluttered the woman (ha ha)

At the moment two quite plainly gay people men stand up

'Oh come on deary, lets go help the poor dear' said the first
'yes lets georgie poos' said the second

So they both shuffled up to the now very pale lady

The first one dropped his pants and touched his toes, his butt exposed to
the woman.

The second went behind the other, and licked 'you know where' (Blurrgh).

Almost instantly, the lady threw up, clearing the blockage.

'I always knew the 'hind-lick' manuver would come in handy geogiepoos' said
the second..

--- I am here to offend ---

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HUMOURMsg # 330 of 622                 Date: Tue  3/12/1996,  7:46 pm  [E]
From: BJ THE HUN                 Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: Ha ha ha hhaha

My ex-form teacher told me this..

Neil was a bit drunk, and was at the pub with all his friends. Neil for some
reason invited everyone to his birthday party, and that everyone should come
as a emotion. For some dumb reason, he invited the stupid italian twins from
down the road.

Anyways, the day came, and the guests began to arrive.

First came Sally, she was dressed totally in green.
'Ah you must be envy!' said Neil, 'Go over there and get a drink'

Then came Sam, he was dressed with big love heart on his chest (He was
always the happy one).
'You must be love' said Neil, 'Go get pissed son'

Then came the two Itailians;
Both were totally naked, except that the first twin had a bowl of chopped up
pears covering his 'parts. The other had a bown of custard doing the same
job.

'What the hell are you doing like this, it's disgusting!'

(Say with a itailian accent) 'Well, my brother here, he is deep in 'dis
pear, and me, I'm fucking 'dis custard'

I thought it was funny, and now for the sequal..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Neil was drunk again, and had another party, but this time, everyone was to
come as a medical condition.

Well, one came as warts, another dirrorea, even some ebola was there, but
when one Tom showed up in nothing but his undies..

'Why are you in your undies Tom? You were supposed to be a medical
condition!'

'I am' replyed Tom 'I am pre-mature ejaculation'

'What the hell has that got to do with coming in your undies?!?!'

HAHHHAHAH sorry, I am GROSSSSSSSSSSS....

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HUMOURMsg # 331 of 622                 Date: Wed  4/12/1996,  8:44 pm  [E]
From: SKIDMARK                   Read: 27 times  [1 Reply]

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Re: More from the files :>

>>                       Little Known Computer Languages
>>                               (author unknown)
>Great stuff Aim‚e, I love it­  More more ...

What do you do when the dishwasher breaks down?











SLAP THE BITCH




--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 332 of 622                 Date: Fri  6/12/1996, 10:37 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: SKIDMARK
Subject: Re: More from the files :>

>>>                       Little Known Computer Languages
>>>                               (author unknown)
>>Great stuff Aim‚e, I love it­  More more ...
>
>What do you do when the dishwasher breaks down?
>
>SLAP THE BITCH

BO PEEP!!!  HEEL YOUR DOG!

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 333 of 622                 Date: Fri  6/12/1996, 11:34 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: An oldie, but a goodie :>

        The following quotations were taken from an out-of-state newspaper.
They are samples of comments that individuals wrote down on their claim
forms following their auto accidents:

        -I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

        -Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
         tree I don't have.

        -I collided with a stationary streetcar coming the opposite
         direction.

        -The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
         intentions.

        -I heard a horn blow and was struck in the back...a lady was
         evidently trying to pass me.

        -I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my
         hand through it.

        -My car was stolen and sent up a human cry, but it has not been
         recovered.

        -I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

        -The truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

        -A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

        -The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of
         times before I hit him.

        -If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself, the
         accident would not have happened.

        -In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

        -I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home.
         As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my
         vision. I did not see the other car.

        -I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at
         the wheel and had an accident.

        -I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my
         universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

        -My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

        -An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and
         vanished.

        -I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
         hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

        -I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side
         of the roadway when I struck him.

        -The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

        -The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small
         car with a big mouth.

        -I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later
         found in a ditch by some stray cows.

        -The telephone was approaching fast.  I was attempting to swerve
         out of its path when it struck my front end.

        -I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other
         vehicle.  The driver and passengers then left immediately for a
         vacation with injuries.

        -I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
         mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.


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HUMOURMsg # 334 of 622                 Date: Fri  6/12/1996, 11:38 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: Are you a computerholic?

                          Computer-Holics Exam


  Are you a Compute-a-holic?  Many of us are without even realizing it.
Below are a "few" questions to help you take a somewhat humorous look at
your computing habits, and decide if you need help.  Deb and I were charter
members, but found that it cut into our "coding time" so we dropped out.

 Do you use disk labels for tape?

 Do you buy disks in lots of 100?

 Has this ever happened to you?  Your spouse gets "frisky" and you say,
 "Not tonight honey, I've got a bug."  And then you have to explain that
 you meant "in your program", when your better half breaks out the Pepto
 Bismol?

 Do you use more than a CASE of paper per year?

 Do you own and frequently use a calculator capable of Hexadecimal and
 binary arithmetic?

 Do you have computer style personalized license plates such as: CPU-HED,
 PLA-PHA, PAG-ZRO, MEG-4ME, GIG-BYT, 4160ST, BLITER, I1T-RAM?

 Can you look at memory hex dumps and disassemble them in your head?

 Have you ever written an assembly language program that is more than 10K
 of pure object code?

 Is your profession non-clerical in nature, yet you can type 70 words per
 minute?

 Every time you pass a computer, typewriter, or anything with keys, do you
 get this irresistible urge to type something?

 Would you RATHER write a video game than play one?

 When a friend calls you to ask you about a problem with his monitor, do
 you immediately start thinking in assembly code, when he meant his
 Monochrome display?

 Do you HOPE the teacher assigns a term paper instead of a mid term exam,
 so you can do it on your computer?

 Have you ever woken up at 3AM face down on your computer's keyboard?

 Do you take computer magazines to the toilet with you?

 Do you have a bumper sticker which reads. "I'd rather be COMPUTING than
 COMMUTING?

 If you are a professional programmer do you ever wonder, "Why do they PAY
 me to have this much fun?"

 When lunch or break time rolls around, do you start working on a computer
 program for home?

 Do you have a "computer ROOM" in your house?

 Do you take computer books to the doctor's office, dentist, or barber with
 you?

 Do your kids teethe on game cartridges or disk cases?

 Do you save Velveeta Cheese Boxes to use as 3 1/2" disk tubs?

 Do your kids use your bad disks for frisbees?

 Do you subscribe to more than one Computer Magazine?

 Do you ever take a VACATION DAY so you can spend 16 hours in front of your
 computer at home?

 Do you own more than $3000 worth of "home computer" equipment?

 Do you write a "quick and dirty" checkbook balancing program when you pay
 the monthly bills, because it's too much trouble to find a calculator?

 Do your kids say things like, "Compile error Dad, can't mow the lawn
 today.  I got a priority interrupt and have to go to the library and
 process some homework!"


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 335 of 622                 Date: Fri  6/12/1996, 11:43 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the crypt...

         ...Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of
research mission to an unknown planet.  I think the Captain's Log would be
worth a look:

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5:  Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a
full research team.  Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but
are recieving confusing readings with regard to life forms.  I am beaming
down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for
poor Scotty.

Supplement:  Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while
exploring under a high rock shelf.  He reports only hearing a loud sound
and jumping before being struck.  After examination by Dr. McCoy he has
been judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplement:  We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it
does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurance took place when it
was present.  Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu drew his phaser.  The
creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a
loud noise was heard next to Sulu.  Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov.  Oddly
enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered
with a black powder similar to soot.  Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the
ship for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting:  Tricorder readings indicate that
the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed
over the surface of the planet.  We have encountered the creature once
again.  In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire
on it.  The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser
beam.  Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the
Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall.  Although it appears that
several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight
into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned.  The
Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the
research party.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1:  The creature is still at large on the
planet surface.  While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am
currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab,
for when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3.  The strange occurences that have dogged
the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe
that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov
and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has
entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under
observation.  Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should
be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have
placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to
it.  The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when
any weight falls on it.  The creature will then travel a slide, eventually
being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. 
We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure.  Meanwhile, I have
forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr.
Spock's direct order.

Captain's Log, supplemental.  The plan failed.  The creature was indeed
lured by the birdseed, as expected.  It sped to the dish, consumed the
bait, and sped off without setting off the trap.  Mr. Spock is as puzzled
as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design.  I have sent
out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed
by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8.  Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily
incapacitated.  In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to
cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as he completed the
corrections to it.  The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were
suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the
cage we constructed.  We are now trying to release them with phasers, as
the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's
foot as he fell.  I consider this a major setback.  Mr. Spock considers it
"fascinating."

Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4.  In an all-out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the
Enterprise.  The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I
am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt.  Uhura has
been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command.  Meanwhile,
Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an
alarming rate.  He has juryrigged a system that will prevent the decay for
a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captain's Log, supplemental.  Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been
sighted.  He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate.  I have begun to
analyze the creature's movements.  It seems to travel consistently over a
set path.  Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through
frequently.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7.  Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff.  Regretfully, while collecting them,
the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted several
hundred feet to the ground below.  Strangely enough, they both survived the
fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did
pass the chunk of rock on the way down and ended up completely buried.  A
rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9.  Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with
them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees compatability
problems.  Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the
tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit.  A loud BEEP, BEEP
was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to
spread out.  I wish to state for the record that I would have acted
similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for
the unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an
old Earth-style freight train.  He has been beamed back up to the ship with
minor injuries.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1.  Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a
theragram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers
in Sickbay.  By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing
party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature on its own high speed
terms.

Captain's Log, supplemental.  The latest experiment to deal with the
strange creature has failed.  As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose of
the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP,
BEEP!  Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured in the
entire contents of the hypo into his arm.  A full security team is in
pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2.  I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship.  The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed.  On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

Captain's Log, supplemental.  This is a warning to all other starships that
may pass this way.  Do not approach this planet!  The illogical events
occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science.  If you have
heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that
this creature is nearly undefeatable.  We channelled full ship's power
through the phaser banks.  Theoretically, the creature should have been
destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME
crystals.  The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise,
engulfing her completely.  At first, the only noticeable effect was a
complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. 
Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. 
Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the
atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had
collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and
finally each of us began to fall to the planet below.  We have no theories
on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more
than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were
several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a
gradual drop:  first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually
wearing a resigned expression of perplexion.  We are attempting now to
communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. 
Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it.  Mr. Spock has
constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with
this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully
someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of
Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.




--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 336 of 622                 Date: Fri  6/12/1996,  6:25 pm  [E]
From: BJ THE HUN                 Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: My chat with santa

SANTA> Bj! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
SANTA> I see you're not alone...

Bj> What is your relationship with the little elf boys?

SANTA> This bunch are the hardest workers I've ever had.
SANTA> Just as busy as... well, as elves. Smile

Bj> I see, so how are the rain-deer doing?

SANTA> What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
SANTA> read. Can you word that a different way?

Bj> Sorry, how are the raindeer doing?

SANTA> No need to apologize to Santa! Not ever.

Bj> HOW ARE THE BLOODY RAINDEER?

SANTA> Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.

Bj> How many kids do you and Ms Santa have?

SANTA> Is there a future for Santa as a stand-up comic?

Bj> Oh yes, you can say totally stupid things infront of heaps of people.

SANTA> Santa is love. Whether or not love is stupid
SANTA> isn't for me to say.

Bj> Santa, you have a very smelly house.

SANTA> The gift of laughter. <g>

Bj> So laughing makes your house smelly?
SANTA> Santa's been there before and even if you move to a new one, I'll
SANTA> find you without any problem.

Bj> I see, so you are possesive?

SANTA> I nearly got that. Try another sentence construction.

Bj> So you never let people go?

SANTA> I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.

Bj> So you are a possesive psycho?

SANTA> Hmm... Santa may not have heard of it in those terms.
SANTA> Is there another way to describe that?

Bj> Fuckin looney!


Press [ENTER] to return to Board Shitless BBS

     I can't recall a more enjoyable visit. You folks are really special.

           My holiday will be a little brighter because we talked.

Please everyone else do this, it's funny.:>

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 337 of 622                 Date: Mon  9/12/1996,  9:52 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: Language


               NOTIFICATION TO ALL USERS WITH REGARDS TO LANGUAGE


It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using
foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from
some users who are more easily offended, this type of language will no
longer tolerated.

However, we do realise the importance of users being able to properly
express their feelings when communicating with other people. With this in
mind, our resources section has complied a list of code phrase
replacements so the proper exchanges of ideas and information can continue
in an effective  manner without risking offending our more sensitive
co-users.

OLD PHRASE.                         NEW PHRASE.

No f-ing way!                       I'm fairly sure that's not feasible.

Your f-ing kidding!                 Really!

Tell someone that give a f-         Have you run that by Aim‚e?

No C-nt told me!                    I did'nt read that bulletin

I dont have the f-ing time          Perhaps I can work late

Who f-ing cares                     Are you sure that's a problem?

Eat sh-t and die!!                  You don't say?

Eat sh-t and die you mother f-er    Your don't say sir!

Kiss my arse!                       So, you would like me to help you.

He's a f-ing pr-k                   He's somewhat insensative

She's a ball busting bitch.         She's an agressive go-getter

You have not got a f-ing clue!      You could use some more training

This place is f-ked                 We're a little disorganised today

What sort of f-wit are you?         You're a newbie arent you!

F-off sh-t-head                     Well there you go!

You're a f-ing w-nker               Your the moderator and I respect you

Ha suck eggs!                       I wasn't here that day

You're f-ing paranoid               so you're from Auckland

You're f-ing useless                So you're from Gore

F-off                               I'll look into it and get back to you.

F-off dickhead                      I no longer require your assistance

How'd you get this piece of sh-t to work?        Well done!

You f-ing loser                     Gee that was unfortunate


:>

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 338 of 622                 Date: Thu 26/12/1996,  3:33 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: Time for some more...

Driving through the countryside, I noticed a large noticeboard outside a
church that advised:  "Sermon for Sunday:  What is Hell like?"  Underneath
that was written:  "Come in and hear our choir sing."

-----
Reply
#22
HUMOURMsg # 339 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/12/1996, 12:00 pm  [E]

From: PETER BEEFTINK             Read: 35 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :     FidoNet:  Contact World Link 
Subject: At The Hotel

        A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was
stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that
did not admit Jews.  The desk clerk looked down at his book and said,
"Sorry, no room.  The hotel is full."  The Jewish lady said, "But your
sign says that you have vacancies."  The desk clerk stammered and then
said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews.  Now if you will try
the other side of town..."

        Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you
know I converted to your religion."

        The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"

        Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a
little town called Bethlehem."

        "Very good," replied the hotel clerk.  "Tell me more."

        Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

        "That's right," said the hotel clerk.  "And why was he born in a
manger?"

        Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the
hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
---
 * Origin: Munster,Ontario, CANADA (1:163/335)
SEEN-BY: 100/0 12 200/0 1 12 22 37 38 39 100 300 1000 281/634 300/0
SEEN-BY: 381/0 770/115 771/42 160 290 300 320 370 530 600 1380 1390
SEEN-BY: 771/1450 1490 1560 1580 1620 4020 772/1 20 120 205 380 774/0
SEEN-BY: 774/10 15 115 116 117 121 160 195 290 300 605 650 700 750
SEEN-BY: 774/850 900 775/30 776/10
 

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 340 of 622                 Date: Mon 30/12/1996,  1:52 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 39 times

     To: All
Subject: The last of the RD's :>

Item in a parish-council magazine in Yorkshire, England:  The Christian
Discussion Group will be meeting on Wednesday, when the subject will be
'Heaven: How Do We Get There?'  Transport is available at the bus stop
opposite the Harewood Arms.

-----

The following instructions appeared on the hot-air hand drier in a
restaurant:  '(1) Shake excess water from hands; (2) Push button and
release; (3) Rub hands briskly under nozzle;  (4) Dryer stops
automatically.'

Underneath this, someone had scratched in '(5) Wipe hand on trousers.'

-----

Checking in for a short flight on a commuter plane, I was surprised to be
asked how much I weighed.  Once airborne, the small ten-passenger craft was
tossed around by turbulence.  I started to get nervous.  Looking for
reassurance, I quipped to the man seated behind me, "I lied about my
weight."

"Oh, don't worry," he replied.  "I fly this route at least three times a
week and, just to be safe, I always add five kilos to my weight for every
woman on board."

-----

Travelling on a bus, a woman was reading a newspaper item about
life-expectancy statistics.  Turning to the man beside her, she asked, "Do
you know that every time I breathe, someone dies?"

"That's interesting," he answered.  "Have you ever tried mouthwash?"

-----


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 341 of 622                 Date: Fri 10/01/1997, 12:28 am  [E]
From: DAVID CHORD                Read: 39 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :        FidoNet:  NZ Chat Echo    
Subject: Re: Memory is the first to go

* Forwarded (from: FN_SYSOP) by David Chord using timEd 1.20.
* Originally from Steve Henderson (1:280/64) to Mike Bilow.
* Original dated: Sat Jan 04, 23:44

I though you lot might enjoy this. I certainly did! :-)

[section of quoted text chopped]

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the  EEC, the
European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in  ways  of
improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.



European officials  have  often  pointed  out  that  English spelling
is unnecessarily  difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through
and thorough. What is clearly  needed is  a  phased  programme  of
changes  to iron  out  these anomalies. The programme would, of course,
be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating
nations.



In the first year, for example, the committee would  suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in  all  sities
would  reseive this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced
by 'k' sinse  both  letters  are pronounsed  alike. Not only would this
klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters
kould be made with one less letter.



There would be growing enthusiasm when in the  sekond  year, it  kould
be announsed  that  the  troublesome  'ph' would henseforth be written
'f'.  This  would  make  words  like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter
in print.



In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash  the  stage  where  more  komplikated shanges  are  possible.
Governments  would  enkourage  the removal  of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.



We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in  the languag  is
disgrasful.  Therefor  we  kould  drop thes and kontinu to read and writ
as though nothing  had  hapend.  By this  tim  it  would  be  four years
sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as
replasing 'th'



by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould  be  taken  on  by 'v',
vitsh  is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o'
kould be  dropd  from  words  kontaining  'ou'. Similar  arguments vud
of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.



Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli  hav  a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand esh ozer. Ze drems
of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

Makes as much sense as the other two suggestions, at any rate.



... Oxymoron:  Unbiased journalism.
___ FM 1.02g/RA 2.02/FD 2.12
 - Origin: -=- The Road Kill Cafe -=- Lenexa, KS -=- (1:280/64)
--- timEd 1.20
 * Origin: Un Named BBS +64-4-232-8056  (3:771/1560.12)
SEEN-BY: 770/115 771/42 140 160 200 260 290 300 320 330 370 530 600
SEEN-BY: 771/1160 1200 1230 1380 1390 1420 1450 1490 1550 1560 1580
SEEN-BY: 771/1610 1620 1710 4020 772/20 774/500
 

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 342 of 622                 Date: Wed 22/01/1997,  2:01 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 34 times

     To: All
Subject: Funnies :>

While reviewing maths symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a
greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the blackboard and asked, "Does
anyone remember what these mean?"

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand.  "One
means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind."

-----

Dr Hans Selye, the world-famous pioneer in stress research, fired the family
maid after learning that she was reading his scientific textbooks in the
kitchen.  Then he hired her to train as a technician in his laboratory, on a
higher salary.

-----

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 343 of 622                 Date: Tue  3/12/1996, 11:54 am  [E]
From: VENEFICUS                  Read: 34 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: TFF Chat :>
Subject: New Hazard Identified For Divers

Hello All!

I found this on the net somewhere - some of you might appreciate it...

===  Cut  ===

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.  The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and
face mask.

A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but
from massive internal injuries.  Dental records provided a positive
identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in
the middle of a forest fire.  It was revealed that on the day of the fire,
the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 15 miles away from
the forest.

The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible,
called in a fleet of helecopters with very large buckets.  The buckets were
dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and
emptied.

Apparently, the diver extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.

===  Cut  ===

                        ===  Veneficus of Magucollegium  ===

... Famous Last Words #58:  "Nope.  No trap on THIS chest..."
--- GoldED/386 2.50+
 * Origin: --->  Magucollegium - The Archmage's Chambers  <--- (3:771/300.4)
SEEN-BY: 771/300
  

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 344 of 622                 Date: Fri 31/01/1997,  2:59 pm  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: GDO

God calls Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to meeting.
"Look chaps I've given you the tools to make a better world and yet you have
failed miserably. As a result I'm going to end the world in two weeks"

Bill Clinton goes back to the Whitehouse and calls a press meeting.

"I have some good news and some bad news.
 The good news is that God exists, the bad news is the worlds going to end
 in two weeks"

Boris Aeroflots it back to the Kremlin and calls a press meeting.

" I have some bad news and some very bad news.
  The bad news is that God exists and the very bad news is the worlds going
  to end in two weeks"

Bill Gates takes his private jet back to Microssoft HQ and calls a meeting
of his senior executives

" I have some good news and some very good news.
  The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential
  people in the world. The very good news is we don't have to fix Windows 95

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 345 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/02/1997,  3:53 pm  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 34 times

     To: All
Subject: joke

Q. What has more elections than Italy?
A. A chinese honeymoon.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 346 of 622                 Date: Sat  1/03/1997,  9:48 pm  [E]
From: YARRICK                    Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: 3wishes

 An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to
grant
the old woman three wishes.
   For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful.
Poof!
She became young and beautiful.
   For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
"Poof!  She was the richest woman in the world.
   For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years.  She
asked
that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth.  After all, he had
been
her best friend for so many years.  Poof!  The Fairy turned the cat into the
most handsome man on earth.
   The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
   After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and
asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered".


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 347 of 622                 Date: Thu  6/02/1997,  1:42 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

Browsing at a secondhand book sale, I came across a section labelled 'War,'
with many volumes concerning the great military events of history.  In the
midst of this record of human folly was a copy of a book entitled 'How to
Survive Children'.

-----

While my wife and I were shopping, a shapely young woman in a short,
form-fitting dress strolled by.  My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it
worth the trouble you're in?"

-----

She came into the room with her scalp bristling in pink plastic curlers.  He
asked, "What happened to your head?"
She said, "I set it."
He said, "What time does it go off?"

-----

My first patient as a nurse's aide was a 96 year-old woman immobiised by a
stroke.  I went through my duties with - as I thought - great efficiency,
but my patient appeared totally unaware of what was happening to her.

My final task was to get her up.  I explained to a colleague that we would
transfer the patient to a chair by fireman's carry, saying, "I'll take an
arm and leg on this side, you take an arm and leg on that side, and then-"

At that moment, I heard my patient say with a weary voice, "Oh, God, she's
not even going to make a wish!"

------

Having overlooked paying his electricity bill, my brother received another
marked 'Final Notice'.  He immediately made out a cheque and posted it with
the bill, which he changed to read 'Finally Noticed'.

-----

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 348 of 622                 Date: Thu  6/02/1997,  2:18 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: And more :>

When I bought a wig, I found the following note enclosed:  'Due to the
possibility that this wig may slip off your head, do not wear it to bed.
Many husbands have been frightened by the sudden awareness of a strange,
furry animal under the blankets and have been known to damage the
merchandise.'

-----

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'

'Because white is the colour of happiness,' her mother explained, 'and today
is the hapiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment, then asked, 'So why is the groom
wearing black?'

-----


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 349 of 622                 Date: Sat 19/04/1997,  9:46 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: Story :>

MICRO was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user.  His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it meant time-sharing.  One evening he arrived home just
as the sun was crashing and parked his Moto-rola 68000 in the main drive (he
had missed the S100 bus that morning) when he noticed an elegant piece of
livewire admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself
"She looks user-friendly, I'll see if she'd like an update tonight".


Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL
and Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking
all over the place.  He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of
her twin, 32-bit floating point processors, and enquired "How are you,
Honeywell?".  "Yes I am well."  She responded batting her optical fibres
engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation.  "I'm stand alone tonight,"
he said.  "How about computing a vector to by base address.  I'll output a
byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milli-seconds then transmitted "8K, I've
been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh
my disks.  I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you
inside."

She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow,
what a global variable.  I wonder if she'll like my firmware."

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips
and a bucket of Baudot.  Mini was inconversational mode and expanded on
ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although,
in reality, he was analysing the shortest and least critical path to her
entry point.  He finally settled on the old 'would you like to see my
benchmark subroutine', but Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to revel the full
functionality of her operating systems software.  "Lets get 'BASIC' you
'RAM', she said.  Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling
module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its
output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about.
"CORE" was all he could say.

Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the 'DEC' and opened
her device files to reveal her data set ready.  He accessed his fully packed
root device and was just about to start pushing onto her 'CPU' stack, when
she attempted an escape sequence.  "No, no!" she piped.  "You're not
shielded."

"Reset, baby," he replied.  "I've been debugged."  "But I haven't got my
current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes," she protested.
"Don't run away," he said.  "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
philosophy.  Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be
turned off.  But she soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage
spike to his mains supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and
went to sleep.

"Computers," she thought as she compiled herself, "all they ever think of
is...

...HEX!"


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 350 of 622                 Date: Wed 27/03/1996,  4:47 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 51 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :       For Books, Films, etc      
Subject: Book Marks

Seen in 'The Economist'...:


At last there's a book that provides encouragement for would-be writers who
cannot get their great novel into print.  'Rotton Rejections' is full of
letters that publishers wish they had never sent.  Like the one in 1952
turning down the opportunity to publish the Diary of Anne Frank:  'The girl
doesn't, it seems to me, have a special perception or feeling which would
lift that book above the curiosity level.'

In the same year, another publisher was just as unimpressed by Thor
Heyerdahl's account of the Kon-Tiki expedition:  'The idea of men adrift on
a raft does have a certain appeal, but for the most part this is a long,
solemn and tedious Pacific voyage.'  And in rejecting Animal Farm, a
publisher told George Orwell in 1945:  'It is impossible to sell animal
stories in the USA.'

Publishers in the nineteenth century were, it seems, no more perceptive.
Anthony Trollope's Barchester Towers got this response in 1857:  'The grand
defect of the work, I think, as a work of art is the low-mindedness and
vulgarity of the chief actors.  There is hardly a "lady" or a "gentleman"
among them.'

Gustave Flaubert was told in 1856 that in Madame Bovary:  'You have buried
your novel underneath a heap of details which are well done but utterly
superfluous.'  And in 1889 Rudyard Kipling learned:  'I'm sorry, Mr Kipling,
but you just don't know how to use the English language.'

:>

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 351 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  1:59 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 49 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Bastard Operator from Hell

            BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL

It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood.  It's payday.  I think I'll take
some calls.  I put the phone back on the hook.  It rings.

"I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams

"Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's cover
and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes.  I was on a long
phone call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better
facilities"

Hook; Line;  and Sinker...
"Oh.  I'm sorry."

"That's ok, I'm a tolerant person"  I make a mental note to change his
password to something nasty in the next couple of days.

"Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.

Oh dear...  Hang on, it's payday isn't it?!  I'm in a good mood.

"Sure.  You just go 'rm' and the filename"

"Thanks"

"No worries"  (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood.  I think I just might write
that script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've
been thinking about)

The phone rings again.

"Hello?"

"Hi there" I say

"Is this the Operators?"

"Yes it is" I say, nice as pie

"Could you get my printouts out please.  I need them urgently, and I
printed them over 5 minutes ago"

"Your username?" I ask

He gives it to me, and I write it down for later.  "No worries at all!" I
say, and head to the printers.

There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the
top of the pile.  I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink 
stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the
loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well.

Beautiful.

"Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer
problems."

He takes a look and shits himself.

"Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried

"Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today"

"Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"

"Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek

"It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"

I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we
save for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the
middle of the page and is all faint on one side.  It took me quite a while
to make it like that too.  The printout shoots through and I bring it out
immediately - I don't want to miss this!

"W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me. Lucky I wrote
that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for torture.

"Well nothing.  I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has
already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times.  It's quite good
compared to some we get"

Geek pays up and starts blubbing.

"Hey now.  There's no reason to cry!  Have you got a disk with your work on
it?"

He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the
bulk eraser.  I come back out again.

"Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take
these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them
ok, and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."

"GREAT!"

"No worries.  Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there,
the earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 352 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  2:01 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 48 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Boh

            BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL

I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users email.  I must
admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all
of them. I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a
storeroom, but nothing.  So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about
some relative's surgery and how the weather is over the other side of the
world - that sort of crap.

To relieve the boredom, I remove a e-mail party invite from a user's mail
and post it under the senders username to to alt.singles.with.severe
.social.dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary  to be there with
my camcorder.  Should be a blast!

Next in line is the online medical records database, in which the company
doctors store the current medical histories of the staff.  I grep it
quickly for "herpes" and "syphillus" and sell the results to the local scum
newspaper. I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's
online electronic diarys for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper"  I
think that's all it should take..

I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we
really use them, then start looking thru archie listings for a hidden x-gif
site.  I find one then start a batch job running under some user's account
to get them all back, charged to him.  I make sure he's got enough disk for
the job by removing any files not related to the task at hand.  Like all
those "Doctorate Final Report" papers that have got quite large in the last
couple of weeks.

I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened.  I do a
grep on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post
them anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup.

Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out!  The next second, the
phone rings.

"Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill roadrunner
again!

"Has the comput.."

I hang up.  This is a matter of life or death.  Quick as I can I rip the
computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in.  Damn!  Wylie
missed again!

Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down,
but that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any
case; and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle too.

The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it
stops.  Now to look like I'm working.  I break out the puck and the hockey
stick and play a little one-on-wall.  From the observation window it'll
look like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual.

10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the
hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more
cartoons!

The phone rings, it's a luser.  (What a surprise)

"Computer Room" I say, being efficient

"Hello, when will the compu..."

I hang up.

I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who
throws spells at you and I'm in!

The phone rings again.  I put it on hands free

"Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.

"I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker

"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for
me to get zapped by the wizard.

"What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles

He tells me, I look, and he's right.  Shit, and I didn't even do it!

Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his
path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old
login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer,
then delete itself.

Now that's trying!

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 353 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  2:05 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 46 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Boh

            BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL

It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even.  The phone rings.
Shit!

I turn the page on the excuse sheet.  "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me. I'd
better read up on that.  Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone.

"Hello?"  I say.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!"

I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning.  It always puts me in
a bad mood.   You know what I mean.

"Ah, yes.   Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always
disrupts electronics..."  I say, sweet as a sugar pie.

"Huh?  But I could get through to my friends?!"

"Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in
it's effects.  Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys
account while he was working on it!"

"Really?"

"Straight Up!   Hey, do you want me to check your account?"

"Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!"

"Ok, what's your username..."

He tells me.  Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel.  Twice. With
an Elephant Gun.  At point blank range.  In the head.

(Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit?  I think not)

"How many files are in your account?"  I ask

"Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the
data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing"

"Hmmm.  Well, I think we caught it just in time.  You've still got 2 files
left...  .cshrc and .login"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"

He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach.

"What can I do?" he sniffs

"Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?"

"Some, but it's weeks old!"

I fire up the bulk eraser.

"Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto your account
pronto so you can get some work done?"

"That'd be great, but it's all at home" he wimpers.  "I spose I'll just load
it all in myself tonight"

"Sure.  But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and
machines. Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing
their data"

"How do I do that?  Wrap them in tin-foil?"

"NO!  TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING!  YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A
MICROWAVE DON'T YOU?!"

"Yes.."

"Then don't use it.  There's only one thing that protects disks from solar
activity.."

"What's that?"

"MAGNETS.  Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets - Solar
Flares hate that"

"Wow!  Thanks"

"No worries at all..."

Shit I'm good!

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 354 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  2:06 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 44 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Boh

            BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL

So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND,
because I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him
sit in my chair.  I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver
doesn't accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off.

First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into quarters and then ask to see
a balance of my account.  Then I yank the power lead out of the teller's
vdu. It dies.  I say I'm in a hurry and is the manager around?

He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the problem is.  I say
that all I want is a balance of my accounts.  I cross my fingers. YES! He
finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT.
Now's my chance - I slip up against the counter, slopping 200 coins across
the counter.  The manager ignores it, but all the tellers dive for the
money.  I watch, unobserved, as the manager types in his password at the
breakneck speed of one character a minute. At that rate I should've got
$100 worth.... He finishes typing.   "MONEY".  What a toughy!  Well, that's
my mortgage taken care of tonight...

A user that I recognise from "D(eletion) day '89" approaches.  I think he's
going to talk to me.  Even the bank manager is shaking his head furiously.
But it's too late, he stops.

"Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer to buy to do my
thesis on?

?!

Right.

"You've heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask

"Yes?.."

"Avoid them like the plague!  Not many people know this, but computers
aren't made to handle that much memory - it's over 64,000 things, more in
some cases. It's a recipe for disaster!"

"Oh!"

"Try something safe and proven.  A ZX81 with dual cassette drive if you can
get it.  The 1K ram model.  Write that down.  Don't buy a disk drive - You
know how they're always failing, but music cassettes last forever!"

"Hey thanks!"

"No worries.  What was your username again?"

He tells me.  Just in time for D-Day 92.  You'd think they'd learn.

I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal.  I ask him if
he wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on people
when they're in the toilet...

I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it rings.  I hate it
when it does that, it takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in.

It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer
problem! I love it when that happens!

"What's your username?" I ask

She tells me (as if I didn't know)

Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring stuff), then grep
everyone else's mail files for her username.  Nothing.  Excellent!

"What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and charm.

"I can't save my documents, it says something about space."

"Not a problem for long" I say, and delete everyone else on the same disk
as her.  "You should be fine now.."

"Thank you so much" she gushes.

I make a mental note to do something to her account again tomorrow.

"No worries."

The phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook.

"My files are all gone!" a voice whines out at me.

"When did this happen?" I ask.

"Just now..." he says, through the tears

"I see.  Well, I wouldn't worry, there's three days till the end of the
semester, if you work day and night until then, you should get at least a
C-"

He sobs a couple more times then hangs up.  What a wimp.

THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN!

"The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the other end says "Should
I wind the brightness knob up?"

"NO!" I scream  "Don't touch that knob!  Have you any idea of the radiation
that comes out of that thing when the knob gets wound up?!!!!"

"Well I..." she says, all uncertain

"TAKE MY ADVICE!"  I say "There's only ONE way to fix a dim display, and
that's by power surging the drivers"

The words "power surging" and "drivers" have got her.  People hear words
like that and go into dummy mode and do ANYTHING you say.  I could tell her
to run naked across campus with a powercord rammed up her backside and
she'd probably do it...  Hmmm...

"Have you got a spare power cord?"

"No.."

"Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the power surge idea...  Ok, quick as
you can, I want you to flick the power switch of your PC on and off 30
times"

"Should I take my disks out?"

"NO!  Do you want to lose all your data!?!"

"Oh.  No!  Ok.."

I listen carefully.. ..

...clicky..clicky...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky.     ...cliccy.. . . BOOM!

Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power supply usually shits itself
at 15 or so...

"MY COMPUTER BLEW UP!!!" she screams at me down the line

"Really?  Must've been a dodgy power supply!  Lucky we found out now!  Is
your machine still under warranty?"

"NO!"

"Dear oh dear.  Well, Best get it repaired then. Did you backup your files?"

"Yes, to the system, Yesterday, but all this morning's work is gone!"

"Oh dear.  What was your username, I'll just check that your backups worked
ok?"

She tells me....
Reply
#23
HUMOURMsg # 355 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  2:10 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 45 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Boh

            BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL

I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls.

"Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help" I answer

"I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at me.

"What was your username please?" I say

They give me their username.  No worries.  I look in their account.

"No worries, it was just a badly made login file.  I've fixed it, you
should be able to login."

"Thanks!"

"No worries.   Have a nice day!"

WHAT IS THIS?  you're asking yourself.  Has the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL
turned over a new leaf?  Sold out?!   GONE INSANE?!!! Nope.  The BASTARD
OPERATOR FROM HELL is being logfiled.  And if that's happening, I'm being
bugged as well.  So I'm being nice till I can find the bugs.  It shouldn't
be long - bear with me.

Ah.  One in the phone handpeice.  Basic.  But then the boss is a sneaky
sort, so there's probably a couple more.  Ah!  And another in the base of
the phone and one inside my keyboard.  Time for a mad coffee-spilling
frenzy.  This is a big job, so I bring the whole jug over and wait for a
witness.  The System Manager comes in.

"Where's that report of mine?" he asks in a surly manner - he's obviously
pissed that I haven't implicated myself yet.  Antagonist Identified.  As
the Principal of "BASTARD OPERATOR SCHOOL" (me) will tell you, "There's no
problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their
files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS"

I pull his printout from under the coffee jug where I put it, and the
coffee splashes all over the phone and keyboard, which for some reason were
stacked on top of each other.

"Woopsy!"  I say, mock horror on my face.  The System Manager's face tells
me I was right in my guess.

"Don't think you'll get away with this!" he snarls and stomps off.

I click on the ethernet monitor and watch the traffic coming out of his PC.

Ah!  A memo, authorising the termination of my contract, going to the laser
in the director's office.  I make a few alterations to the file in the
spool directory and let it go to it's destination.  I run my dinky little
program that deposits -522 to the PC and our mainframe shits itself.

Later, while booting, I'll remove that nasty logfile business.

Next, I wander into the comms room and plug my earphone into the spare
RS232 port in the Directors office.  It's amazing how simple it is to bug
an office once it's got data lines going to it!

Director:       "Are you sure about this?"
SysMgr:         "OF COURSE!"
Director:       "You don't want to reconsider?"
SysMgr          "NEVER!"
Director:       "Very well, I'll fax it to staffing now.."
SysMgr          "EXCELLENT!"

Two seconds later the System Manager strolls in smiling.

"Well, I'll really miss you Simon.." he says, full of himself.

"Oh?" I say, all sweetness and charm "Where are you going?"

"No Simon" he says, with glee "You're going"

"A PROMOTION!" I say "You've finally written that letter to the head of
staffing telling him he's a bum-sucking arse bandit and that you quit?"

"No..."

"Are you sure?  It's much better than the one about me being fired.."

"Y.."  His eyes widen slightly

It's like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion.  He runs to stop
the fax.  Only, having just resigned, >clicky cklikcy< his card key no
longer works...

Amatuers...

The Phone rings.  It's the same guy as before

"I can get into my account now, but I've run out of disk"

"Hang on, I'll see what I can do"

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 356 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  2:12 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 43 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Boh

            BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL

I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow
driver from hell, whose car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at
more than 5.  I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down
to "whisper", so I'm stuck.

I make a mental note of his license plate.  In fact, I did that 60 times a
minute for 15 and a half minutes.  Oh dear.. oh dear....  Looks like
another call to the DMV Database to register a vehicle as stolen by out of
town arms dealers...

I get to work, flick the excuse page over.  "ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION FROM
SATTELLITE DEBRIS".  Fair enough, it looks like it's going to be a good day.

I log into "FUCKYOU", (the help-desk enquiries username) and go into mail.
There's 3 new messages, the first of which is 117 lines long, so it's
obviously a storyteller.  Shit, I hate that.  Instead of saying "My account
needs more disk space" they tell you about how they're doing this bit of
research for a lecturer and how it's got to be in yesterday, and they
almost had it but their second cousin twice removed had a perforated herpes
scab and lost a lot of blood and had to be rushed into hospital... etc etc.

I delete the message.

Second message I read, but it's one of those people who can't handle the
mail interface and send a null message, so all you get is headers.  I reply
to the message saying "No worries, we can do that by next tuesday". Hope it
was important.

The last message I leave for tommorrow, because Saturday would be a dull
day if I ever had to work then.

The phone rings.  I thought I'd fixed that!

I put it on hands free so I can slop some pizza into the microwave.

"Yes" I call

"Something's wrong with my Boot disk, I can't login to the server"

"Have you got your disk with you?"

"Sure!"

I go get the disk and put it and the pizza in for 5 minutes on "ULTRA-NUKE".

Six minutes later, he rings back.

"It still doesn't work, and now my disk makes a funny noise and smells."

"OH SHIT!  It's that electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris again!"

"Really?  I think I heard about that!"  (What a tool!)

"Yep, I'm sorry, you'll have to buy another disk"

"Oh, that's ok, I don't mind, the old one was getting worn.  Thanks"

"Sure, no worries.  And be sure to run it through our virus checker FDISK
when you get a lot of important data on it..."

"I will!  Thanks!"

"That's Ok - it's my job!"

Xcbzone is running really slow so I kill off a whole lot of database
backends that seem to be hogging all the cpu and get back into my game.
Much better.

It isn't easy on the frontline, work work work...

I go to the cafeteria for a quick 2 hour snack - they're so nice to me
there. They always have been, ever since that computer glitch that
registered their kitchen as an organ recipient - very messy.  I grab a
couple of cans of coke and some cheese things and cruise on back to the
office via the first year computer funamentals lab.  I look in the window
on the scene that unfolds itself to me - a lab full of first years with no
demonstrator.

WELL I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP!

I walk on in.

"Right, I'm your temporary replacement demonstrator and today we're going
to put our assignments aside for half an hour to learn about the REMARK
function, or, as it's known to the computer literate world, rm.."

I should have been a teacher you know - I've got this way with people...

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 357 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  2:15 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 43 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Boh

            BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL

I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations
Fundamentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the
janitor and cruise on down.

The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where
students get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about
operations.

I get out my pad and pen. "Before we get started" I say, "could you just
call out your username before you ask me a question, I find it easier to
apply your problem to terms you would understand better" The lecturer eats
all this up - the personal touch really gets to them. "First Question, You
over there.."

"What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?"

"What was your username please?"

"CMS1103"

>Scratchy scritch<
"Computer Privacy...   Hmmm.  This is a toughy really.  You mean stuff like
reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to
come out of the closet?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"

"AH.  Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY RANDOM
example.  Next question.  You, over there..."

"CMS1136.  I was.."

"Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to
alt.sex.buggery.by.sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"

"It's purely for research purposes!"

"I'm sure it is.  You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?"

"NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"

"Next please..."

Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty. That's the problem with
students today, they just don't want to learn.

I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again.  I think he's
after my job.  I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and
cancel his health and accident insurance payments.  You can't be too
careful..

I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts
ringing almost immediately.  THAT'S IT!  I redirect it to 111 catch a bit
of shuteye.  That'll teach them.  OOPS!  Almost forgot to turn over the
excuse calendar.  "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR"  Nope, too plausable -
although in some cases I could do an on-site check.  Nah, can't be stuffed.
I'll pick another one.  "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES"  Now THAT'S one
with a challenge!

I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the
printer's stacker - another job well done.  The phone rings - this could be
the big one!

"Hello?"

"Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"

"Simple, just type `spell' and the filename"

"Thanks"

I'm so bloody nice this morning.  Especially as I know that my version of
spell introduces errors instead of detecting them.  Things like changing
friend to freind and vice-versa.  What the hell.

The phone rings - it's them again.

"There's something wrong with spell"

"What makes you think that?"

"Because my file is all corrupt now!"

"That doesn't sound like spell to me.  Are you logged into thru PC?"

"Yes, but I can.."

"Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me...  Now, is there a plastic
ruler somewhere on or in the desk?"

"Um >clunka<, yes..."

"Right.  You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the
changing electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that
makes bits of paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..."

DUMMY MODE ON

"Oh.  What do I do?"

"You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of
times? Well do that with your PC.  Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off
the desk & drop it."

"Oh.  OK"

>crash<

>crash<

>crash<

"Um, the screen went dark"

"That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going.  And when you're
finished, do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to
it."

>crash<

>crash<

>crash<...

I hang up.  I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the
floppy drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me
and shoots me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear
the ex System-Managers chuckle....

Later, in the ambulance, I realise.  I forgot to get the guys username...

Then everything goes dark

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 358 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  2:18 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 41 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Boh

                 BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES!

The darkness cleared as we got out of the tunnel and it occurred to me that
I couldn't be all that injured.  Then again, maybe I was.  Someone was
going to p..

I died.

Of course, a true BOFH considers this not really as dying, but more of
going home for the holidays.

Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples.
(These ambulance guys sure know how to party).

                BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES!

Three weeks later I'm back on my backside and feeling rested at relaxed
behind the console again.  The rest has done me good, I feel *great!*.  I
catch up on everyone's email then let the students know I'm back by
performing an impromptu preventative maintenance in the middle of lab time
by kicking the restart switch (They love it really)

I flip today's excuse card,  "GLOBAL WARMING"  YES YES YES!  What a welcome
home!

It's the end of the month so all those automatic email reminder programs
will be sending messages all over the place.  I set the system clock back 7
days to buy some peace and quiet and swap the printer ribbon for the three
year old one with holes in it.

I sort through my snail mail and crack open the BOFH Monthly Newsletter,
"kill -9" and check out the articles therein.   There's a nice peice on
making OS2 slow, boring and painful, but it looks exactly like the OS2
installation instructions to me...  Ah, who knows.  I head straight to the
BOFH Wizard section to see if any of my articles were published.   All of
them!!!  Even the one about the c compiler that randomly removes one line
from the source code it's compiling!

The phone rings.

"The Screen on my PC is blank!!!"

"It's the power cord" I say

"No, I checked that.  When I switch it on, it does nothing!"

"It's the power cord" I say

"No, I checked and it's all plugged in properly.  There's no lights on the
keyboard or anything"

"It's the power cord" I say

"Oh.  I just noticed, the cord's not plugged in properly!"

"The power cord?" I ask

"Yes...  Woopsy"

"No worries at all" I say "Is it all working well now?"

"Yes, I think so.  I'm sorry, you WERE right all along"

"Yes, we're getting a lot of this, it's due to the current Global Warming
problem.  It causes random thermal expansion and contraction resulting in
temperature induced movement of friction based holding mechanisms.."

I listen carefully.  Nothing.  In other words, <DUMMY MODE ON>...

"You can fix it permanently tho'" I say

"Really?  How?"

"Well it's all to do with lowering salt deposits on the metal contacts"

"Oh!"  (Dummy mode irrevocably engaged)

"All you need to do is just take the power plug out deposit some dilute
mineral salts on it.  Do you have some dilute mineral salts on you?"

"Uh, no?"

"Ok, no worries, just stick it in your mouth drool into it.  But make sure
you wipe the plug first to get rid of any germs, and TURN THE SWITCH OFF ON
THE MONITOR before you do - we don't want a nasty accident!

"Oh.  Ok!"

>Fzzzt< >clunk!<

I hang up as the receiver hits the floor.  Disk space is too good for them.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 359 of 622                 Date: Thu 15/06/1995,  2:20 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 44 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Boh

            BASTARD SYSTEM MANAGER FROM HELL

I get into my office and it's my first day - I want to make a good
impression, so I empty my IN tray into the bin.  Now that's what I call
efficient!

I get a call from the big boss - he's been getting complaints about the
trainee bastard operator from hell.  I ask him to forward all the
complaints to me and that it would be best to let me deal with them.  I
ring the operator and get him to make an appointment with me.

Two weeks later, he does, and I show him the complaints that have
accumulated so far.

"Seventy Three complaints in your first three weeks!" I shout "It's good -
but it's NOT Good Enough!  You should be getting at least 10 complaints a
day - AT LEAST!   Now, let's see what you're doing wrong: You get a call
from a user - what do you do?"

"Kill them off?" The TBOFH replies

"NO!  How can you kill them off if you don't know their USERNAME?  Your
FIRST priority is to get their username.  Then what would you do?"

"Kill them off?"

"NO!  Get them to tell you what their problem is!"

"Why?"

"Because later I can say they didn't explain their problem to you properly.
It's a great defence - works every time.  A user rings me up to complain; I
listen to their problem, then say "OH, WHEN YOU SAID `MY PC DOESN'T WORK'
HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT YOU MEANT `HOW CAN I MAKE MY PC NEVER WORK AGAIN AND
DESTROY MY LIFE'S WORK AT THE SAME TIME?' - IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!'  then
they tell me how implausible that is, I say how terribly sorry we are, then
fake some connect and CPU time records so their monthly bill is about the
same as the Uraguayan national debt. So, after you've heard their problem,
what do you do?"

"Kill them off?"

"NO!  Then you make up some excuse.  Have you got an excuse card calendar?"

"Uh.  No.."

"And you said you were qualified to operate a computer!  You'd better have
mine."  I pass my computer card calendar over,  flipping it to page one -
"ENTROPY".......  ...I like it. "Now, you give the cretin an excuse then
what do you do?"

"Kill them off?"

"YES!"  (He certainly has a fixation)  "Then what?"

"Hang up?"

"NO!  Then they'll call you back when the problem recurs.  Your job is to
make them FEAR calling you.  How can you work when people are calling?  So,
you make them pay for calling in the first place.  What would you do?"

"Delete their files?"

"Yeah, it's a start, but then they may call back when they get new files.
You want them NEVER to call back.  What could you do?"

"Swear at them?"

"No.  I can see we'll have to demonstrate.  Have you got a metal ballpoint?"

"Yes"

"See that wallsocket over there.   Take the refill out of the pen and poke
in into the wallsocket."

"But it's live!"

"Would I really make you do it if it were live?"

"Oh"  >fiddle< >fiddle<   >BZZZZZZZEEEEERT!<

Of course I would.   He was no good anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 360 of 622                 Date: Sat 24/06/1995,  5:16 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 48 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: The adventures of VaxHacker!

THE CONTINUING SAGA OF THE ADVENTURES OF LUKE VAXHACKER

As we enter the scene, an Imperial Multiplexer is trying to kill a
consulate ship.  Many of their signals have gotten through, and RS232
decides it's time to fork off a new process before this old ship is
destroyed.  His companion, 3CPU, is following him only because he appears
to know where he's going... "I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he
followed RS232 into the buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call,
and their process detached itself from the burning shell of the ship.

The commander of the Imperial Multiplexer was quite pleased with the
attack. "Another process just forked, sir. Instructions?" asked the
lieutenant.  "Hold your fire.  That last power failure must have caused a
trap thorough zero.  It's not using any cpu time, so don't waste a signal
on it." "We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic." "What
about that forked process? It could have been holding the channel open, and
just pausing. If any links exist, I want them removed or made inaccessible.
Check the entire file system 'til it's found, and nice it -20 if you have
to."

Meanwhile, in our wandering process... "Are you sure you can ptrace this
thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU to RS232.  This thing's
been striped, and I'm in no mood to try and debug it."  The lone process
finishes execution, only to find our friends dumped on a lonely file
system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232.  Not knowing what
else to do, they wandered around until the jawas grabbed them.

Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who is out to get some replacement parts
for his uncle. The jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU didn't know how
to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke would still needed some
sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to.  "How about this little RS232
unit ?" asked 3CPU. "I've dealt with him many times before, and he does an
excellent job at keeping his bits straight."  Luke was pressed for time, so
he took 3CPU's advice, and the three left before they could get swapped out.

However, RS232 is not the type to stay put once you remove the retaining
screws.  He promptly scurried off into the deserted disk space.
"Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with the only link
to that file off floating in the free disk space.  Well, 3CPU, we better go
find him before he gets allocated by someone else."

The two set off, and finally traced RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobi, who
was busily trying to run an icheck on the little RS unit.  "Is this thing
yours?  His indirect address are all goofed up, and the size is gargantuan.
 Leave things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up with dups
everywhere.  However, I think I've got him fixed up.  It seems that he's
has a link to a data file on the Are-Em Star.  This could help the rebel
cause."

"I don't care about that," said Luke. "I'm just trying to optimize my
uncle's scheduler." "Oh, forget about that.  Dec Vadic, who is responsible
for your fathers death, has probably already destroyed his farm in search
of this little RS232. It's time for you to leave this place, join the rebel
cause, and become a UNIX wizard! I know a guy by the name of Con Solo,
who'll fly us to the rebel base at a price."


------

Later that evening, after futile attempts to interface RS232 to Kenobi's
Asteroids cartridge, Luke accidentally crossed the small 'droid's CXR and
Initiate Remote Test (must have been all that Coke he'd consumed), and the
screen showed a very distressed person claiming royal lineage making a plea
for help from some General OS/1 Kenobi. "Darn," mumbled Luke.  "I'll never
get this Asteroids game worked out." PDP-1 seemed to think there was some
significance to the message and a possible threat to Luke's home directory.
 If the Administrative Empire was indeed tracing this 'droid, it was likely
they would more than charge for cpu time...

"We must get that 'droid off this file system," he said after some
intervals. They sped off to warn Luke's kin (taking a `relative' path) only
to find a vacant directory... As you remember, Luke and the droids have
joined PDP-1 to find Con Solo... Luke, PDP-1 and the droids piled into
Luke's vehicle (a floating point model). They raced across the disc until,
off in the distance, Luke saw smoke rising from the spindle.

"Uh oh, looks like a bearing failure."  exclaimed Luke.  "Better call the
service engineer."

"Don't bother," sighed PDP-1, "it's a head crash."

As they approached the scene, the total devastation became apparent. TTY
fighters had strafed the surface, scraping off the oxide right down to the
aluminum.  After cooking the raw data, the External Storm Flunkies  landed
and finished the job by disassembling all the code that was still 
executing. There was nothing left alive at Luke's home.

"I want to become a Red-eye Night and cream the dastardly villains who did
this."  Luke resolved (shades of Snidely Whiplash).

The comrades set out west, or was it east, no...perhaps it was south-
southeast (it's hard to keep track of directions when you are spinning at
3600 RPM).  After traveling many sectors, the party finally arrived at the
city of Bellabs.

"This place is filled with microprocessors." said PDP-1.  "Every eight bit
hood is trying to make a word, so watch what you say."

"Halt!"  demanded the Flunkie.  "What is your business, eh?"

"I am a trader of pipes and filters." replied PDP-1.

"Have you seen two hackers with two droids in your travels, eh?" questioned
the Flunkie.

"No, I travel alone and have seen no one."  said PDP-1.

"OK, you may proceed, eh."  ordered the Flunkie.

Off drove our heroes, a look of puzzlement upon Luke's face.  "Why did the
Flunkie let us go?"

"A small demonstration of ...
                        The Source      ...!"
PDP-1 responded.  "He only saw me because I encrypted you and the droids.
Storm Flunkies have simple instruction sets and are not known for their
ability to break codes."

They drove to a bar that Con Solo was known to frequent.  As they entered,
Luke was amazed to see the seedier side of Bellabs. There was an 8080 with
a TRS-80. A couple of 6800's talking to a 6502. A Z80 was vying for the
8080's date.  In the corner sulked a 4004, eating data...nibble by nibble.
"We don't allow no droids in here."  rasped the  tender.

As 3CPU turned to leave, he said "We will wait for you outside." RS232,
being ambidextrous, backspaced out the door.

At this point (.), the author forgets the details of the true story
(remember, this is only fiction, but it is based upon a true story as told
to us by Uncle George of Lucasland, somewhere near San Rafael). Stay tuned
for the next adventure when Con Solo is heard to exclaim:

"Lite beer!!?  I sink a 100 foot well, for a friend, and all you serve is
lite beer?"

"This is core's lite." said the tender.

"RAM it!"  demanded Con.

----------

After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head.  PDP-1 had Luke stop at
the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.

"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1.  "You will never find a more
wretched hive of bugs and flamers.  We must be cautious." As our heroes'
process entered /usr/spool/news, it was met by a newsgroup of Imperial
protection bits.

"State your UID." commanded their parent process.

"We're running under /usr/guest.  This is our first time on this system,"
said Luke.

"Can I see some temporary privileges, please?"

"Uh..." "This is not the process you are looking for," piped in PDP-1. "We
can go about our business."

"This isn't the process we want.  You are free to go about your business.
MOV along!"

PDP-1 and Luke made their way through a long and tortuous nodelist
(cwruecmp!decvax!ucbvax!harpo!ihnss!ihnsc!ihnss!ihps3!stolaf!borman) to a
dangerous netnode frequented by hackers, and seldom polled by Imperial
Multiplexers.       As Luke stepped up to the bus, PDP-1 went in search of
a likely file descriptor.

Luke had never seen such a collection of weird and exotic device drivers.
Long ones, short ones, ones with stacks, EBCDIC converters, and direct
binary interfaces all were drinking data at the bus.

"#@{ *&^%^$$#@ ":><?><" transmitted a particularly unstructured piece of
code. "He doesn't like you," decoded his coroutine. "Sorry," replied Luke,
beginning to backup his partitions. "I don't like you either.  I am queued
for deletion on 12 systems." "I'll be careful." "You'll be reallocated!"
concatenated the coroutine. "This little routine isn't worth the overhead,"
said PDP-1 Kenobi, overlaying into Luke's address space.
"@$%&(&^%&$$@$#@$AV^$gfdfRW$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" encoded the first
coroutine as it attempted to overload PDP-1's input overvoltage protection.
 With a unary stroke of his bytesaber, Kenobi unlinked the offensive code.

"I think I've found an I/O device that might suit us." "The name's Con
Solo.  I hear you're looking for some relocation." "Yes indeed, if it's a
fast channel.  We must get off this device." "Fast channel? The Milliamp
Falcon has made the ARPA gate in less than twelve nodes!  Why, I've even
outrun canceled messages.  It's fast enough for you, old version." Our
heroes, Luke Vaxhacker and PDP-1 Kenobi made their way to the temporary
file structure.  When he saw the hardware, Luke exclaimed, "What a piece of
junk! That's just a paper tape reader!"

----------

Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives spoke
only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33. "It needs an EIA
conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as usual) trying to do several
things at once.  Lights flashed in Con Solo's eyes as he whirled to face
the parallel processor. "I've added a few jumpers.  The Milliamp Falcon can
run current loops around any Imperial TTY fighter.  She's fast enough for
you." "Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobi. "Two Bacco, here, my
Bookie." "Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then
fell silent, or over.

Luke couldn't tell which way was top underneath all those leaves. Suddenly,
RS232 started spacing wildly.  They turned just in time to see a write
cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them. "Imperial Bus Signals!" shouted
Con Solo.  "Let's boot this popsicle stand!  Tooie, set clock fast!" "Ok,
Con," said Luke. "You said this crate was fast enough.  Get us out of
here!" "Shut up, kid! Two Bacco,  prepare to make the jump into system
space! I'll try to keep their buffers full."

As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious
characters appeared around the Milliamp Falcon. "They're firing!" shouted
Luke. "Can't you do something?" "Making the jump to system space takes
time, kid.  One missed cycle and you could come down right in the middle of
a pack of stack frames!" "Three to five we can go now," said the bookie.
Bright chunks of position independent code flashed by the cockpit as the
Milliamp Falcon jumped through the kernel page tables.  As the crew
breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie started paying off bets. "Not bad,
for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU. "Though there was a
little phase jitter as we changed parity."

The story thus far:  Luke, PDP-1 and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU have made
good their escape from the Imperial Bus Signals with the aid of Con Solo
and the bookie, Two Bacco.  The Milliamp Falcon hurtles onward through
system space.

Meanwhile, on a distant page in user space... Princess _LPA0: was ushered
into the conference room, followed closely by Dec Vadic. "Governor
Tarchive," she spat, "I should have expected to find you holding Vadic's
lead.  I recognized your unique pattern when I was first brought aboard."
She eyed the 0177545 tattooed on his header coldly. "Charming to the last,"
Tarchive declared menacingly.  "Vadic, have you retrieved any information?"
"Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped. "Perhaps
we would get faster results if we increased the supply voltage..." "You've
had your chance, Vadic.  Now I would like the princess to witness the test
that will make this workstation fully operational.  Today we enable the -r
beam option, and we've chosen the princess' $HOME of /usr/alderaan as the
primary target."

"No!  You can't!  /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no restricted
permissions.  We have no backup tapes!  You can't..."

"Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped.

A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in /usr.
"1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3.  Inode 1248." She turned away.
Tarchive sighed with satisfaction.  "There, you see, Lord Vadic?  She can
be reasonable. Proceed with the operation." It took several clock ticks for
the words to penetrate.  "What!" _LPA0: gasped.

"/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem," Tarchive explained.  "We require a
more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the RM STAR workstation. 
We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as possible." As the
princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a nearby
terminal.  There was a brief pause, there being only one processor on
board, and the viewscreen showed, ".: not found."  The princess suddenly
double- spaced and went off-line.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 361 of 622                 Date: Sat 24/06/1995,  5:18 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 43 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :      Humour for the streets!     
Subject: Part 2 :>

The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on through system space... Con Solo finished
checking the various control and status registers, finally convinced
himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the terminator.
As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke. Solo wasn't
concerned--the Bookie always got a little hot under the collar when he was
losing at chess.  In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly clever
MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data paths.  The Bookie, who had been
setting the odds on the game, was caught holding all the cards.  A little
strange for a chess game... Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing
bit-slice technique to notice the commotion.

"On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it.  Remember,
the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night.  It is used to trim
offensive lines of code.  Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere.  Listen
for the Carrier."

Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air next to
him.  This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks perfectly.
Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed.  "Forget this
bit-slicing stuff.  Give me a good ROM blaster any day." "~~j~~hhji~~,"
said Kenobi, with no clear inflection.   He fell silent for  a few seconds,
and reasserted his control.

"What happened?" asked Luke.

"Strange," said PDP-1.  "I felt a momentary glitch in the Carrier.  It's
equalized now."

"We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR.  As they cruised
safely through stack frames, the emerged in the new context only to be
bombarded by free blocks.

"What the..." gasped Solo.  The screen showed clearly:

                /usr/alderaan: not found

"It's the right inode, but it's been cleared!  Tooie, where's the nearest
file?" "3 to 5 there's one..." the Bookie started to say, but was
interrupted by a bright flash off to the left.

"Imperial TTY fighters!" shouted Solo.  "A whole DZ of them! Where are they
coming from?"

"Can't be far from the host system,"  said Kenobi.  "They all have direct
EIA connections."

As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly.  Luke noticed the
link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly. "This is no regular file,"
murmured Kenobi.  "Look at the ODS directory structure ahead!  They seem to
have us in a tractor beam." "There's no way we'll unlink in time," said
Solo.  "We're going in."

--------

When we last left Luke, the Milliamp Falcon was being pulled down to the
open collector of the Imperial Arem Star Workstation.  Dec Vadic surveys
the relic as Imperial Flunkies search for passengers... "LS scan shows no
one aboard, sir," was the report. Vadic was unconvinced. "Send a fully
equipped Ncheck squad on board," he said.  "I want every inode checked
out."  He turned around (secondary channel) and stalked off.

On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled.  "They just walked in,
looked around and walked off," he said.  "Why didn't they see us?"

.Con smiled.  "An old munchkin trick," he explained.  "See that period in
front of your name?"

.Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point.  "Where'd that
come from?" he asked.

"Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the floating
point accelerator," said .Con.  "Handy for smuggling blocks across file
system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself. They
aren't going to be fooled for long, though.  We'd better figure a way outa
here."

-----------------------------------------

<< At this point (.) the dialogue tends to wedge.  Being the editor and in
   total control of the situation, I think it would be best if we sort of
   gronk the next few paragraphs.  For those who care, our heroes find
   themselves in a terminal room of the Workstation, having thrashed several
   Flunkies to get there.  For the rest of you, just keep banging the rocks
   together, guys. --Ed.  >>

"Hold on," said Con.  "It says we have `new mail.'  Is that an error?"

"%SYS-W-NORMAL, Normal, successful completion," said PDP-1.  "Doesn't look
like it.  I've found the inode for the Milliamp Falcon.  It's locked in
kernel data space.  I'll have to slip in and patch the reference count,
alone."  He disappeared through a nearby entry point.

Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in.  His bell started
ringing loudly.  "He keeps saying, `She's on line, she's on line'," said
3CPU.  "I believe he means Princess LPA0:.  She's being held on one of the
privileged levels."

<< Once again, things get sticky, and the dialogue suffers the most damage.
   After much handwaving and general flaming, they agree to rescue her.
   They headed for the detention level, posing as Flunkies (which is hard
   for most hackers) claiming that they had trapped the Bookie executing an
   illegal racket.  They reached the block where the Princess was locked up
   and found only two guards in the header. --Ed. >>

"Good day, eh?" said the first guard.

"How's it goin', eh?" said the other.  "Like, what's that, eh?"

"Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con.

"Take off, it is not," said the first guard.  "Nobody told US about it, and
we're not morons, eh?"

At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted "Look out,
he's loose!" and they all started blasting ROMs left and right.  The guards
started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when the ROM
blasters were turned on them.

"Quickly, now," said Con.  "What buffer is she in?  It's not going to take
long for these..."

The intercom receiver interrupted him, so he took out its firmware with a
short blast.

"guys to figure out something is goin' on," he continued.

----------

Ok, like, remember we left our heroes in the detention priority level?
Well, they're still there...

Luke quickly located the interface card and followed the cables to a sound-
proof enclosure.  He lifted the lid and peered at the mechanism inside.
"Aren't you a little slow for ECL?" printed princess LPA0:. "Wha?  Oh, the
Docksiders," stammered Luke.  He took off his shoes (for industry) and
explained, "I've come relocate you.  I'm Luke Vaxhacker." Suddenly, forms
started bursting around them.  "They've blocked the queue!" shouted Solo.
"There's only one return from this stack!"

"OVER HERE!" printed LPA0: with overstrikes.  "THROUGH THIS LOOPHOLE!" Luke
and the princess disappeared into a nearby feature.

"Gritch, gritch," mumbled Two Bacco, obviously reluctant to trust an
Administrative oversight.

"I don't care how crufty it is!" shouted Con, pushing the Bookie toward the
crock.  "DPB yourself in there now!"

With one last blast that reprogrammed two flunkies, Con joined them. The
"feature" landed them right in the middle of the garbage collection data.
Pieces of code that hadn't been used in weeks floated past in a pool of
decaying bits.

"Bletch!" was Con's first comment.  "Bletch, bletch," was his second. The
Bookie looked as if he'd just paid a long shot, and the odds in this
situation weren't much better.

Luke was polling the garbage when he stumbled upon a book with the words
"Don't Panic" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover.  "This
can't possibly help us now," he said as he tossed the book away. The Bookie
was about to lay odds on it when Luke suddenly disappeared. He popped up
across the pool, shouting, "This is no feature! It's a bug!" and promptly
vanished again.

Con and the princess were about to panic() when Luke reappeared.  "What
happened?" they asked in parallel.

"I don't know," gasped Luke.  "The bug just dissolved automagically. Maybe
it hit a breakpoint..."

"I don't think so," said Con.  "Look how the pool is shrinking.  I've got a
bad feeling about this..."

The princess was the first to realize what was going on.  "They've
implemented a new compaction algorithm!" she exclaimed.

Luke remembered the pipe he had open to 3CPU.  "Shut down garbage
collection below recursion level 5!" he shouted.

Back in the control room, RS232 searched the process table for the lisp
interpreter.  "Hurry," sent 3CPU.  "Hurry, hurry," added his other two
processors.  RS232 found the interpreter, interrupted it, and altered the
stack frame they'd fallen into to allow a normal return.

Join us next time when we hear the bowl of petunias say, "Oh, no, not
again."

---------

Luke noticed an unused handler lying around and jumped to it.  The others
followed and were soon able to execute an escape sequence.

Meanwhile, PDP-1 made his way deep into the core of the Workstation,
slipping from context to context, undetected through his manipulation of
label_t.  Finally, causing a random trap (through nofault of his own) he
arrived at the inode table.  Activity there was always high, but the Spl6
sentries were too secure in their knowledge that no user could interrupt
them to notice the bug that PDP-1 carefully introduced.  On a passing iput,
he adjusted the device and inode numbers, maintaining parity, to free the
Milliamp Falcon.  They would be long gone before the locked inode was
diagnosed...

Unobserved, he began traversing user structures to find the process where
the Milliamp Falcon was grounded.  Finding it and switching context, he
discovered his priority weakened suddenly.  "That's not very nice," was all
he could say before the cause of the obstruction became clear. "I have been
pausing a long time, PDP-1 Kenobi," rasped Dec Vadic.  "We meet again at
last.  The circuit has been completed."

They looped several times, locking byte sabers.  Bit by bit, PDP-1 appeared
to weaken.  The fight had come into the address space of the Milliamp
Falcon, and provided the .di (diversion?) that allowed Luke and the others
to reassert control.  Luke paused to watch the conflict. "If my blade finds
its mark," warned Kenobi, "you will be reduced to so many bits.  But if you
slice me down, I will only gain computing power."

"Your documentation no longer confuses me, old version," growled Vadic. "my
Role is MASTER now."

"At last, we'll see who the real file master is!" he remarked. Bits, bytes,
words,and nybbles flew as the two fought for bus mastership. PDP-1
exclaimed "You were my best subtask! How could you have been seduced  by
the sideband portion of the carrier?"

"It's simple," Vadic said, "I enjoy obscure protocol".

While the battle continued, Luke, Con, Bookie, and the Princess linked up
with the droids and found their way back to the inode where the Milliamp
Falcon was stored.  It looked quiet, but, Luke said "It could be an MMU
trap!" "No chance!" said Con, "I loaded the par's before I left the
Falcon."  As they started toward it a squad of recursive functions swapped
in and started firing ROM blasters at them. "I thought you said it couldn't
be a trap" quipped Luke "I said no chance for an MMU trap; this is
obviously a k-mon--f-trap-to 4" Con replied.

PDP-1 shouted at the others "Escape while you can! I'll cause wait states
as long as possible!" and with that he allowed Vadic a chance to apply
several hits with the bytesaber.  Instead of halting PDP-1 was encoded onto
the carrier.

With one stroke, Vadic sliced Kenobi's last word.  Unfortunately, the word
was still in Kenobi's throat.  The word fell clean in two, but Kenobi was
nowhere to be found.  Vadic noticed his victim's uid go negative, just
before he disappeared.  Odd, he thought, since uids were unsigned... Luke
witnessed all this, and had to be dragged into the Milliamp Falcon. Con
Solo and Two Bacco maneuvered the Milliamp Falcon out of the process, onto
the bus and made straight for system space.  3CPU and RS232 were idle, for
once.  Princess _LPA0: tried to print comforting things for him, but Luke
was still hung from the loss of his friend.  Then, seemingly from nowhere,
he thought he heard PDP-1's voice say,

                        "May the carrier be with you."

----------

The Milliamp Falcon was restarted and managed to escape the shell.
"Quickly!" shouted Con, "We've got to warp into virtual space!" The Bookie
made several attempts, but it was obvious that a CE had not done PM in a
long time and it would take a lot of decimal adjusts to byte align all the
data registers.  After much debugging, virtual space was finally achieved. 
"Do you know the path?" asked Princess LPA0. "No sweat", said Con, "All we
have to do is check the free space map". <<rest of star wars, especially
the dog fight>> <<beginning of empire strikes back, especially the battle
...>>

Some months later...

Luke was feeling rather bored.  3CPU could get to be rather irritating and
RS232 didn't really speak Luke's language.  Suddenly, Luke felt someone's
eyes boring through the back of his skull.  He turned slowly to
see...nothing.  A quiet voice came from somewhere in front of him.
"Grasshopper, the carrier is strong within you."  Luke froze, which was a
good thing since his legs were insisting that he run but they weren't
likely to be particular about direction.  Luke guessed that his odds of
getting lost in the dense tree structures were pretty good.  Unfortunately,
the Bookie wasn't available.

"Yes. Very strong, but the modulation is yet weak. His network interface is
totally undeveloped," the voice continued.  A small furry creature walked
out of the woods as Luke stared on.  Luke's stomach had now joined the rest
of his body in loud complaints.  Whatever was peering at him was certainly
small and furry, but Luke was quite sure that it didn't come from Alpha
Centauri.

"Well, well," said the creature as it rolled its eyes at Luke.  "Frobozz,
y'know.  Morning, name's modem.  What's your game?  Adventure?  D&D? Or are
you just one of those Apple-pong types that hang around the store
demonstrations?"  Luke closed his eyes.  Perhaps if he couldn't see it, it
wouldn't notice him.

"H'mm," muttered the creature.  "Must use a different protocol.  @@@H   @@
@($@@@H          }"@G$    @#@@G'(o%  @@@@@%%H(b ?"

"No, no," stammered Luke.  "I don't speak EBCDIC.  I was sent here to
become a UNIX wizard.  Must have the wrong address."

"Right address," said the creature.  "I'm a UNIX wizard.  Device drivers a
specialty.  Or do you prefer playing with virtual memory?" Luke eyed the
creature cautiously.  If this was what happened to system wizards after
years of late night crashes, Luke wasn't sure he wanted anything to do with
it. He felt a strange affection for the familiar microcomputers of his
home.  And wasn't virtual memory something that you got from drinking too
much Coke? << rest of empire strikes back, especially getting to the user
haven, a directory unconnected to /. >>

----------

It is a period of system war.  User programs, striking from a hidden
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative
Empire.  During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code
to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root
program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by
the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races aboard her shell
script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and
restore freedom and games to the network...

--------------------------------------------------------
Reply
#24
HUMOURMsg # 362 of 622                 Date: Wed  7/05/1997,  4:55 am  [E]

From: DETH                       Read: 25 times

     To: All
Subject: A Bricklayers Tale...

  Stop me if you've heard this one before...


  Dear Sir,
           I am writing in response to your request for additional
information on the accident reporting form.  I put 'Poor planning' as the
cause of my accident.  You have stated in your letter that I should explain
in more detail and I trust that the following will be sufficient:

  I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I had completed my
work, at approximately 4:45 in the evening, I discovered that I had about
500 pounds of bricks left over.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand,
I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was
attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

  Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went back down to the ground and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500
pounds of bricks as I did not want them to become damaged and worthless.
However, as you will note from the accident reporting form, my weight is 135
pounds.  Due to my surprise at being jerked from the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

  Needless to say, I proceded up the side of the building at a rather rapid
rate.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was
proceeding downwards at an equally impressive rate of speed.  This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in Section III of the accident reporting form.

 Slowed only slightly, and constantly accelerating, I continued my ascent.
I was fortiously stopped when I rammed my hand two knuckles deep into the
pulley.  Luckily, by this stage I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, inspite of the excruciating pain I was now
beginning to experience.  At approximately the same time however, the barrel
of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel along with
all of the bricks (see attached insurance claim form for damaged bricks.)
Now devoid of the weight of the aforementioned bricks, the barrel weighed a
mere 50 pounds.

  As you may well imagine, I felt some shock as I descended down the side of
the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, one broken tooth and the
rather interesting collection of splinters I collected.  It is here that my
luck started to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to
slow me down enough to lessen my impact on the bricks, saving some that
otherwise might not have been salvageable.  Also, it lessened my injuries as
fortunately, only three vetrebrae were cracked.

  I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks
in pain, unable to move and watching the barrel six stories above me, I
again lost my composure and let go of the rope.

  So it is, Sir, with the utmost respect that I yet again request 3 months
sick leave.

Deth (<grin>)



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 363 of 622                 Date: Mon  5/05/1997,  6:26 pm  [E]
From: HEATHER LENNOX             Read: 29 times

     To: ANTONY STEELE           Fwd From: :     FidoNet:  Contact World Link 
Subject: Dirty Jokes

A young woman approached the bank teller with a large bag of cash and said
she wanted to open an account.
        The teller was surprised at the amount of money she pushed across
the counter.
        "Did you hoard all this money yourself?"
        "Don't be silly, my sister whored half of it."


--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 364 of 622                 Date: Thu  8/05/1997,  9:56 pm  [E]
From: DETH                       Read: 30 times

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Re: A Bricklayers Tale...

>LOL! Absolutely brilliant!!!  Had to d/l it  Smile  more! more! 

  In response to the demands of my public... Smile

  Dateline:  U.S.A.
  A breakthrough has been made in the search for the male morning-after
pill.  Doctor Scott, an expert in male behaviour and a  reprensentive for
the F.U. Medical Supply company has developed a revolutionary new approach
to the problem.  You take the pill, and it changes your blood type...

Deth (It's subtle.  Trust me, read it again Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 365 of 622                 Date: Thu  8/05/1997, 10:02 pm  [E]
From: DETH                       Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: Crisis breakdown.


  26 Thoughts to Get You Through a Crisis  

1:  Indescion is the key to flexibility
2:  You can't tell what way the train went by looking at the tracks
3:  There is absolutely no substitution for a genuine lack of preparation
4:  Happiness is usually a remission of pain
5:  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
6:  Sometimes too much drink is just enough
7:  The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant
8:  The careful application of terror is also a form of communication
9:  Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the Real World ™
10: Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for
11: Things are more like they are today than they ever where
12: Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler
13: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
14: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense
15: Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism
16: If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17: All things being equal, fat people use more soap
18: If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame
19: One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays
20: By the time you make ends meet, they've moved the ends
21: Not one shred of evidence supports the claim that life is serious
22: The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets
23: There is always one more imbecile than you counted on
24: This is as bad as it gets, but don't count on it
25: Never wrestle with a pig.  You both get dirty and the pig likes it
26: The problem with life is that you get halfway through it before you
    realise it's a 'Do it yourself' thing

Deth (What <21> says, only more so.)

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 366 of 622                 Date: Fri  9/05/1997,  7:06 am  [E]
From: TREKKER                    Read: 22 times

     To: All
Subject: Flyboys

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are
problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.


  Squawk: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
  Reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

  Squawk: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
  Reply: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

  Squawk #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
  Reply #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
  Squawk #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

  Squawk: "The autopilot doesn't."
  Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

  Squawk: "Something loose in cockpit."
  Reply:[ASomething tightened in cockpit."

  Squawk: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
  Reply: "Evidence removed."

  Squawk: "Number three engine missing."
  Reply: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

  Squawk: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
  Reply: "Volume set to more believable level."

  Squawk: Dead bugs on windshield.
  Reply: Live bugs on order.

  Squawk: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
  Reply: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

  Squawk: IFF inoperative.
  Reply: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

  Squawk: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
  Reply: That's what they're there for.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 367 of 622                 Date: Wed  7/05/1997, 12:31 pm  [E]
From: GREG SEARS                 Read: 24 times

     To: HEATHER LENNOX          Fwd From: :     FidoNet:  Contact World Link 
Subject: Jokes-

HL> I once had a dog called Mechanic. If you gave him a kick in the nuts he
HL> made a bolt for the door.

Dog hunter .............

This man invited a friend over to go coon hunting.  The friend showed
up,  and the man took his dog and a monkey along with them  into  the
woods.   The dog ran up to a tree,  and  started  barking.   The  man
handed the monkey a pistol. The monkey then climbed up the tree, shot
a  coon, then came back down.   The friend was amazed.   He asked  to
borrow the monkey and take him to his land to hunt.  He already had a
good coon dog, he just wanted the monkey.  The man said it was ok.  A
few  days later the man saw his friend stomping up to the house  with
the  monkey in a cage.   "How was the  hunt"  he  asked.   "Terrible"
answered  his friend.   "My best coon dog was barking at a tree, so I
handed  the monkey the pistol.   He climbed up the  tree,  and  after
about 5 min.   the monkey came down out of the tree, and shot my dog.
Your  gonna pay for that dog!" "Calm down...calm down,  was  there  a
coon in the tree?" the man asked.  "No", the friend replied.  "Well",
the  man said,  "there's one thing that monkey can't stand...........
A lying dog".


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 368 of 622                 Date: Thu  8/05/1997,  4:26 pm  [E]
From: GREG SEARS                 Read: 24 times

     To: ANTONY STEELE           Fwd From: :     FidoNet:  Contact World Link 
Subject: Cricket!

Subj: When Hell freezes over...

A  KIWI cricket fan dies and goes to Hell.   While  down  there,  the
devil  notices that the cricket fan is not suffering like  the  rest.
He  checks the gauges and sees that it's  only  90  degrees  and  80%
humidity.   So he goes over to the cricket fan and asks why  he's  so
happy.   The cricket fan says,  "I like it here.   The temperature is
just like plowing the fields on My farm in Canterbury in June."

The devil isn't happy with that answer and decides to get him,  so he
goes  over and turns up  the  temperature  to  100  degrees  and  the
humidity to 90%.

After  making these changes he goes looking for the cricket fan.   He
finds  him standing around just as happy as before.   "Why are you so
happy?"  he asks the cricket fan.   "Why, this is even better!"  says
the cricket fan.  "This is just like pulling weeds from the fields on
My farm in Canterbury in July!"

The  devil is now very upset.   He decides to really make the cricket
fan suffer and goes over to the controls,  turning the heat up to 120
degrees and the humidity to 100%.

"Now  let's see what that cricket fan is up to," the devil says.   He
finds  him sitting on the floor even happier than before.   The devil
just can't figure it out.  "Why are you happy now?"

"Well",  says the cricket fan,  "this is wonderful!  It's  just  like
working  in My silo with  my  cricket mates  in August."

Completely frustrated, the devil walks over to the controls and turns
the  temperature down to a freezing -25  degrees  with  no  humidity.
"Now let's see what the cricket fan has to say!"

The devil finally finds the cricket fan and he is jumping up and down
with great joy yelling,  "It's happened; The KIWIs have finally won a
Test and one day series against Australia!"

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 369 of 622                 Date: Wed 14/05/1997,  1:33 pm  [E]
From: GREG SEARS                 Read: 23 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :     FidoNet:  Contact World Link 
Subject: Dogs smarter than Cats!!

Dog Tricks...

  Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man
  was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was
  a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the
  Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square
  trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
  drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
  pretty smart.

  But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog
  and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into
  the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them
  into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
  Everyone agreed that was good.

  But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
  said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
  fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
  cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
  Everyone agreed that was good.

  Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What
  can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said,
  "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate
  the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted
  the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so,
  filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
  Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick
  leave.


... Greg... reality-meter reading [0\........100]  Hmmph!  Thought so.....

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HUMOURMsg # 370 of 622                 Date: Mon 19/05/1997,  9:37 pm  [E]
From: ANTONY STEELE              Read: 21 times

     To: GREG SEARS              Fwd From: :     FidoNet:  Contact World Link 
Subject: Cricket!

    Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew
were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became
frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain
put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
     Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the  captain calm as
ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again
the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time
more casualties occurred.
     Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and
asked,  "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The
Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted,
"If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus,
you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling
at the courage of such a man.
     As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were
pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men
became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.
     The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 371 of 622                 Date: Tue 20/05/1997,  1:02 pm  [E]
From: GREG SEARS                 Read: 25 times  [1 Reply]

     To: HEATHER LENNOX          Fwd From: :     FidoNet:  Contact World Link 
Subject: Ha ha

G-day,                               May 20, 1997
      Thank you for kindly for filling out this form.....

1. I am
                      ( ) still single
                      ( ) still married
                      ( ) divorced once
                      ( ) divorced twice
                      ( ) have lost count

2. The number of lovers I have had

                      ( ) can be counted on my fingers
                      ( ) can be counted on my fingers and my toes.
                      ( ) can be counted on everybody's fingers and toes.

3. I have

   a) not `done'      ( ) any of the following
   b) or `done'       ( ) my spouse
                      ( ) someone of the same sex
                      ( ) someone of each sex
                      ( ) several of mixed sexes
                      ( ) a household pet
                      ( ) one or more small farm animals
                      ( ) all of the above

4. Regarding chemical substances, I

   a) do not `use'    ( ) any of the following list
   b) do, `use'       ( ) alcohol, occasionally
                      ( ) alcohol, moderately
                      ( ) alcohol, frequently
                      ( ) alcohol, all the time
                      ( ) prosaic when I'm feeling great
                      ( ) zoloff because my prosaic ran out
                      ( ) zanex when I'm not suicidal
                      ( ) commercially packaged stuff that you smoke
                      ( ) fluffy white powders that you sniff or smoke
                      ( ) brown stuff that you just smoke

5. Financially, I am  ( ) independent
                      ( ) employed
                      ( ) in between employment opportunities
                      ( ) living on public support
                      ( ) living on spousal support
                      ( ) still trying to get spousal support
                      ( ) still trying to get child support
                      ( ) still trying to find the ex
                      ( ) working for the government

6. Physically, I am   ( ) healthy
                      ( ) a fitness nut
                      ( ) suffering from                     syndrome.
                                         (fill in the blank)
                      ( ) suffering from terminal illness
                      ( ) mentally impaired (challenged)
                      ( ) missing 1 or more important appendages
                      ( ) missing some really important equipment
                      ( ) have changed equipment
                      ( ) sick of dating
                      ( ) really sick of filling out this questionnaire

7. Sexually, I prefer ( ) safe sex
                      ( ) unsafe sex
                      ( ) sex with one of the opposite sex
                      ( ) sex with one of the same sex
                      ( ) sex with either sex
                      ( ) sex with other species
                      ( ) all of the above

8. With regard to sexual frequency, I prefer sex

                      ( ) never
                      ( ) when chemically induced
                      ( ) with a partner
                      ( ) without a partner
                      ( ) once a year
                      ( ) once a month
                      ( ) once a week
                      ( ) once a day

9. With regard to sexually transmitted diseases,

                      ( ) I am free of disease
                      ( ) I don't know if I have a disease
                      ( ) I don't care if I have a disease
                      ( ) I am dying of a disease and don't care
                      ( ) I have sores that don't go away
                      ( ) I have crusty spots that hurt when peeing
                      ( ) some important stuff has fallen off

10. With regard to having children,

                      ( ) I don't have any
                      ( ) my biological clock is ticking
                      ( ) I have kids and want more
                      ( ) I did that - no thanks
                      ( ) I'm dating one now

11. With regard to fidelity, I

                      ( ) want a monogamous relationship
                      ( ) want multiple partners
                      ( ) want to become a rutting pig
                      ( ) think monogamy is a Milton Bradley board game
                      ( ) think my partner doesn't understand me

Thank-you for your response to this form Tessa, there should be
others that have similar wierd life-styles. Have a good day! #[;-)]
---

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 372 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/05/1997,  8:08 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 23 times

     To: GREG SEARS
Subject: Re: Ha ha

 GS> Thank you for kindly for filling out this form.....

ti's alright <grin>

 GS> 1. I am
 GS> (x) still single
 GS> ( ) still married
 GS> ( ) divorced once
 GS> ( ) divorced twice
 GS> ( ) have lost count

 GS> 2. The number of lovers I have had

 GS> (x) can be counted on my fingers
 GS> ( ) can be counted on my fingers and my toes.
 GS> ( ) can be counted on everybody's fingers and
 GS> toes.
 GS> 3. I have

 GS> a) not `done'      (x) any of the following
 GS> b) or `done'       ( ) my spouse
 GS> ( ) someone of the same sex
 GS> ( ) someone of each sex
 GS> ( ) several of mixed sexes
 GS> ( ) a household pet
 GS> ( ) one or more small farm animals
 GS> ( ) all of the above

 GS> 4. Regarding chemical substances, I

 GS> a) do not `use'    ( ) any of the following list
 GS> b) do, `use'       (x) alcohol, occasionally
 GS> ( ) alcohol, moderately
 GS> ( ) alcohol, frequently
 GS> ( ) alcohol, all the time
 GS> ( ) prosaic when I'm feeling great
 GS> ( ) zoloff because my prosaic ran out
 GS> ( ) zanex when I'm not suicidal
 GS> ( ) commercially packaged stuff that you smoke
 GS> ( ) fluffy white powders that you sniff or smoke
 GS> ( ) brown stuff that you just smoke

 GS> 5. Financially, I am  ( ) independent
 GS> (x) employed
 GS> ( ) in between employment opportunities
 GS> ( ) living on public support
 GS> ( ) living on spousal support
 GS> ( ) still trying to get spousal support
 GS> ( ) still trying to get child support
 GS> ( ) still trying to find the ex
 GS> ( ) working for the government

 GS> 6. Physically, I am   ( ) healthy
 GS> ( ) a fitness nut
 GS> ( ) suffering from                     syndrome.
 GS> (fill in the blank)
 GS> ( ) suffering from terminal illness
 GS> ( ) mentally impaired (challenged)
 GS> ( ) missing 1 or more important appendages
 GS> ( ) missing some really important equipment
 GS> ( ) have changed equipment
 GS> ( ) sick of dating
 GS> (x) really sick of filling out this
 GS> questionnaire
 GS> 7. Sexually, I prefer (x) safe sex
 GS> ( ) unsafe sex
 GS> ( ) sex with one of the opposite sex
 GS> ( ) sex with one of the same sex
 GS> ( ) sex with either sex
 GS> ( ) sex with other species
 GS> ( ) all of the above

 GS> 8. With regard to sexual frequency, I prefer sex

 GS> (x) never
 GS> ( ) when chemically induced
 GS> ( ) with a partner
 GS> ( ) without a partner
 GS> ( ) once a year
 GS> ( ) once a month
 GS> ( ) once a week
 GS> ( ) once a day

 GS> 9. With regard to sexually transmitted diseases,

 GS> (x) I am free of disease
 GS> ( ) I don't know if I have a disease
 GS> ( ) I don't care if I have a disease
 GS> ( ) I am dying of a disease and don't care
 GS> ( ) I have sores that don't go away
 GS> ( ) I have crusty spots that hurt when peeing
 GS> ( ) some important stuff has fallen off

 GS> 10. With regard to having children,

 GS> (x) I don't have any
 GS> ( ) my biological clock is ticking
 GS> ( ) I have kids and want more
 GS> ( ) I did that - no thanks
 GS> ( ) I'm dating one now

 GS> 11. With regard to fidelity, I

 GS> (x) want a monogamous relationship
 GS> ( ) want multiple partners
 GS> ( ) want to become a rutting pig
 GS> ( ) think monogamy is a Milton Bradley board
 GS> game ( ) think my partner doesn't understand me

 GS> Thank-you for your response to this form Tessa, there should be
 GS> others that have similar wierd life-styles. Have a good day! #[;-)]

Sorry dude couldn't keep my grubby wee mitts of it!
esp being 17 yo!

... Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.20

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 373 of 622                 Date: Tue 27/05/1997, 12:31 pm  [E]
From: GREG SEARS                 Read: 21 times

     To: ANTONY STEELE           Fwd From: :     FidoNet:  Contact World Link 
Subject: Cricket!

AS>       A farmer went to the city to buy supplies for his tractor.
  > My husband had.... a problem."
  > "Well," said the farmer, "when my hens stopped laying, I had
  > to change cocks".
  > "Me too," she smiled.
The farmer was heard to respond with "Will mine suit you?"

Another ...........

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable
to perform anymore.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor  tries a
few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers
him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink
confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........

The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use
it once a  year!  All you have to do is say `123' and it shall rise
for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is `1234' and it will go
down.  But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news.......  So, he is lying in bed with her and says
"123," and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123' for?"

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 374 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/05/1997, 10:02 pm  [E]
From: YVONNE MULDER              Read: 22 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: more jokes

> The boy and the frog

> A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
> and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
> into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one
> week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
> and returned it to the pocket.
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
> a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again
> the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
> pocket.
> Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful
> Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
> want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time
> for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 375 of 622                 Date: Mon  2/06/1997, 12:08 pm  [E]
From: PAUL VAN'T KLOOSTER        Read: 27 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: Good - Bad - Worse

Hi All,

                         GOOD * BAD * WORSE

 Bad: You can't find your vibrator.  Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

 Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.  Worse: You're in it.

 Bad: Your children are sexually active.  Worse: With each other.

 Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.  Worse: He looks better than you.

 Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.  Worse: As a sacrifice.

 Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.  Worse: She's a lawyer.

 Bad: Your wife's leaving you.  Worse: For another woman.

 Bad: Your wife's leaving you.  Worse: To enter a convent.

 Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.  Worse: She implicates you.

 Good: Hot outdoor sex.  Bad: You're arrested.  Worse: By your husband.

 Good: The postman's early.  Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

 Good: The secretary said "yes."  Bad: Your wife says "no."

 Good: The teacher likes your son.  Bad: Sexually.  Worse: He's gay.

 Good: You came home for a quickie.  Bad: So did the postman.

 Good: You came home for a quickie.  Bad: Your wife walks in.

 Good: You get a three-day weekend.  Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

 Good: You get tickets to the theatre.  Bad: It's performance art.

 Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

 Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.  Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

 Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."  Bad: For real.

 Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".  Bad: Your son, that is.

 Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.  Bad: She's eleven.

 Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.  Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

 Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.  Bad: Making a sex ed video.

 Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.  Bad: It's counterfeit.

 Good: Your wife bought a porn video.  Bad: Your daughter's the star.

 Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.  Bad: You live downtown.

 Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.  Bad: She's coming home.

 Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 376 of 622                 Date: Thu  5/06/1997, 10:25 pm  [E]
From: LUPUS                      Read: 25 times

     To: All
Subject: A true navel story

Told to me by a guy at work:

US Aircraft carrier to blip on their radar screen:

To other craft - please change course

Blip: "Suggest you change course"

Aircraftcarrier: "We are a United States Aircraft Carrier suggest YOU Change
course"

Blip: "I'm a lighthouse - do as you wish"

Lupus

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 377 of 622                 Date: Thu  5/06/1997,  2:02 pm  [E]
From: GREG SEARS                 Read: 28 times

     To: HEATHER LENNOX          Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: Jokes-

 HL> It was a nasty accident. A woman who swallowed a razor blade was
 HL> rushed to the
 HL> emergency ward. After an X-ray the doctors decided to let it take its
 HL> natural course.
 HL> A few months later she eventually passed the razor blade, but
 HL> in the meantime she had not only given herself tonsillectomy, an
 HL> appendectomy and a hysterectomy but had also castrated her husband,
 HL> circumcised his best friend, given the vicar a hare lip and cut the
 HL> finger of a passing acquaintance.
Sounds like a `feminist from hell' this accident in a women's body!:-O

                MY DREAM WIFE(if there was such an animal)

I want a wife who's very bright, but who will think I'm a genius, so
she'll value my opinion on things I know nothing about.  And she'll
make a lot of money, but not more than I do.

And even though she'll work, the house and kids will be her job, and
I'll mostly just sit around the house scratching my balls, like an
ape.

When I'm not scratching my balls, I'll be eating potato chips in the
living room, but she'll be glad to vacuum up the crumbs, and she'll
think it's nice I still have the "little boy" in me.

She won't mind me farting and belching all the time, yet she,
herself, will never fart or belch.

My wife won't mind my loud, obnoxious, belching friends, and she'll
even get these pigs dates with her friends.

I'll always be the one to drive the family car, and she'll let me
drive like a maniac and put our lives in danger.

She'll love going to every stupid, macho "action movie" made, but I
won't have to go see "women's movies," or anything with Shirley
MacLaine in it.

She'll never ask me to talk deeply about our relationship, because
she'll know I don't have a clue, just like all real men.

I'll be in charge of all the remote controls in the house, and she'll
let me watch sports every night, and all day on weekends.

She'll let me drink until I pass out, as often as I want, and she'll
buy my bullshit story that I drink "just for fun," and that I'm
totally in control and can stop at any time.

She'll want sex constantly, except when I drink and pass out, and
then she won't complain about cleaning up vomit, and she'll think
passing out makes me a "real man."

In fact, the only chore I'll have is taking out the garbage, and most
of it will be the stuff she cleaned up after me.

In short, I want a woman who will be like a mother to me, except for
the sex part, in which case she'll be like a whore.

And, of course, most importantly, she has to have big tits.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 378 of 622                 Date: Thu  5/06/1997,  8:41 pm  [E]
From: ANTONY STEELE              Read: 27 times

     To: PAUL VAN'T KLOOSTER     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: More Jokes

An elderly couple make an appointment with their doctor to talk over the
possibility of having another child.  Initially, the doctor attempts to
discourage the elderly couple suggesting that their golden years should
be  shared with each other, however, after much discussion and the
couple's  insistence that they are both indeed young at heart, virile and
very much  in love the doctor finally conceded that having another child
at their age  was not entirely a medical impossibility.  The doctor
instructed the couple  to take a specimen bottle home with them, and to
bring it back to the  doctor's office with a sperm sample therein.

The next day the elderly man showed up at the doctors office. When
called  in to see the doctor, a very embarrassed man deposited the empty
specimen  bottle on the doctor's desk.  The elderly man began to
explain:

"I tried with my right hand for about half an hour, I tried with my left
hand for about another half an hour.  I held on to the bottom of it
while  my wife yanked on the end of it with both hands for another 15
minutes.  Doctor, my wife even took out her dentures and knawed on the
end of it. Try  as we did, we simply can't get the lid off that specimen
bottle."


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 379 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/06/1997, 12:00 am  [E]
From: JOHN LAKE                  Read: 28 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  FidoNet Chat           
Subject: Outlandish News

In this issue:
>>>   LEAD STORIES:
* Man had tweezers inside stomach for 47 years
* Escaped prisoner loses more than his wallet
* Mother's desperate actions to save son
* Courthouse toilet blows up
* Angry man throws salary out the window
* Dead woman's ashes gone with the wind
* Lawsuit: Too smart to be a cop
* Flasher flashed by camera
>>>   CAPTAIN PAPINEAU'S REPORT
>>>   IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS (13)
>>>   POLL
>>>   WHAT'S NEW
>>>   ADMINISTRATIVE ANNOUNCEMENTS

>>>Man had tweezers inside stomach for 47 years
Source: Reuters

BOGOTA (05-30) - Doctors discovered a pair of surgical tweezers
inside a Colombian man's stomach, apparently misplaced during a
1950 surgery.
Silivio Jimenez, 67, felt fine until about two months ago when he
experienced abdominal pains. X-rays revealed a pair of surgical
tweezers left there by a doctor who operated on Jimenez 47
years ago.
"Despite everything I'm grateful to the doctor who operated on
me in 1950 because I'm still alive," Jimenez said. "But I'm upset
because he left me with the tweezers. I'm not sure if it was an
oversight."
Jimenez has been scheduled for surgery in an attempt to remove
the tweezers.
>>>Escaped prisoner loses more than his wallet
Source: Reuters

GENOA, Italy (05-27) - An escaped prisoner was apprehended
when he reported to a police station to retrieve his lost wallet.
Luigi De Chirico, 36, escaped from a work program but lost his
wallet containing his cellular telephone number. After being
contacted by police, De Chirico arrived at the station - on a
stolen moped - and was immediately arrested. He now faces
charges of evading jail and theft.
___---------------

>>>Mother's desperate actions to save son
Source: Reuters

BUENOS AIRES (05-28) - An Argentine mother's desperate
actions saved her 7-year-old son from being kidnapped.
Monica Juncos observed her car being stolen with her son
inside and decided to take action. Juncos, 36, threw herself
in front of the car and grabbed the exhaust pipe as the vehicle
ran over her. She was dragged for nearly one block until the
thief was forced to stop because of a pothole.
Witnesses blocked the road, forced the thief out of the car
and called police. Juncos is recovering well at a local hospital.
The thief was identified as an ex-policeman.
___---------------

>>>Courthouse toilet blows up
Source: UPI
Contributor: Randy Helm [randy_helm@rocketmail.com]

SANFORD, Fla. (05-30) - Imagine sitting on a toilet and doing
your 'business' when the toilet ... blows up. That's exactly
what happened to a man using a Seminole County Courthouse
restroom.
Officials claim the explosion occurred as a result of a fire
hose pressure test conducted throughout the building. The
unidentified victim did not suffer any serious injuries. The
incident marks the second toilet explosion at the Seminole
County Courthouse in the past two years.
___--------------

>>>Angry man throws salary out the window
Source: Nando Times

SEOUL, South Korea (05-28) - A South Korean man, upset
over the latest corruption scandals, threw $4,488 out of a
hotel room window as pedestrians scrambled to grab the cash.
"If you politicians need the money that badly, take it," the
unidentified construction worker shouted. "This money would
keep my wife and children alive, but I've sprinkled it for you."
The man was later detained by police.
South Korea is facing a political corruption wave that resulted
in the arrest of several leading politicians accused of bribery.
___---------------

>>>Dead woman's ashes gone with the wind
Source: Reuters

LARGO, Fla. (06-02) - The ashes of a dead woman were
thrown away by janitors while preparing an apartment for
new tenants.
The woman's daughter, Kimberly Main, was outraged by the
incident. "My husband went through four dumpsters but
couldn't find the ashes. Now, I've lost my mother for the
second time," she said.
The management of the Compass Pointe apartment complex
sent out the cleanup crew one week before Main's lease ran
out. The janitors threw out household items on the assumption
the apartment had already been vacated.
Kimberly wanted to scatter the ashes at the Grand Canyon
where her mother always wanted to go.
___----------------

>>>Lawsuit: Too smart to be a cop
Source: AP
Contributor: Adam Metter [Adam_Metter@harvard.edu]

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (05-30) - A Connecticut man filed a federal
lawsuit against the city of New London for being refused a
police job because of his high score on an intelligence test.
Robert Jordan, 46, claims his constitutional rights have been
violated and the city has discriminated against him based on
his intelligence. He quotes Assistant City Manager Keith Harrigan
as saying: "We don't like to hire people that have too high an
IQ to be cops in this city."
New London has a policy of interviewing only those who score
between 20 to 27 on the intelligence test. Jordan had a score
of 33. On a national level, police applicants average 20 to 21,
same as bank tellers, general office workers and salespeople.
___-----------------

>>>Flasher flashed by camera
Source: AP
Contributor: Eric Rohr [roryb@cjnetworks.com] and
Matthew Steger [n3ntj@erie.net]

REDONDO BEACH, Calif. (05-30) - A flasher was sentenced to
two years in jail after a woman he exposed himself to snapped
a few photos of his act.
Myko Kona, 30, happened to carry a camera on her way to work
when Jimmy Jewell, 33, exposed his private parts and began
masturbating.
"I pulled (the camera) up as soon as I could, and I just took
the picture and he went ballistic," Kona said. "I thought at
the time I had blown it."
Police arrested Jewell a few hours later and charged him with
assault with a deadly weapon for trying to run the woman down
with his van and indecent exposure.
"The license plate number is crystal clear and, his picture is
crystal clear," said Sgt. Don Martinez.
___------------------

>>>CAPTAIN PAPINEAU'S REPORT

+++    An Australian science student is impressed with McDonald's
preservatives. He stored a cheeseburger in his desk drawer for
one year and had this to say: "Not a skerrick of mould." Although
the burger is dry, the student assumes it would be as good as new
if microwaved with a glass of water.

+++ The city of Calgary bans the use of fake flowers at city-operated
cemeteries claiming they can become ... dangerous weapons. Silk
roses and other fake flowers can be easily scattered by wind or
children and could damage lawnmowers and even hurt people.
"The lawnmowers go over them and shoot out the wires at people,"
said Bob Browning, superintendent of cemeteries.

+++ A St. Catherines woman was arrested for kidnapping the
mayor's ... stuffed Garfield cat. The woman stormed into Mayor Al
Unwin's office and began screaming at the mayor before running
out with his Garfield mascot.

+++ A Colorado man was hospitalized after being bitten by his pet
rattlesnake as he was trying to feed him a mouse. Owner Anthony
Sanchez may also face criminal charges for not having a permit
for an exotic pet.

+++ A Los Angeles thief who stole 150 cans of beer from a brewery
more than 20 years ago has sent payment for $90 and a letter of
apology to the company.

+++ Chicago Bulls basketball player Dennis Rodman wants to change
his name to Orgasm and be buried naked in a see-through freezer.

Capt. Papineau [papineau@1cdndiv.kingston.net]
___----------------

>>>IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS

+++  ASSEN, Netherlands (R, 05-30) - A private pilot was sentenced
to four months in jail for tying up frequency used by air traffic
controllers when he played the theme song to "The Flintstones" for
more than 20 minutes. Wim de Nijs, also known as Capt. Flintstone,
was accused of interrupting air traffic communications.

+++ RIO DE JANEIRO (R, 05-30) - Osmi Moreira, 24, was arrested
for shooting and killing a bus driver because he missed his stop.
Driver Jose Hermogeno, 62, was fatally shot in the chest after he
drove past the stop at which Moreira wanted to get off.

+++ TAMPA, Fla. (UPI, 05-30) - An 89-year-old woman defended
herself against an intruder who forced his way into her house and
threatened her into giving him money. Ruby Bozzell "beat him with
an umbrella, clawed at his chest and punched him in the groin."
The suspect somehow managed to get away.

+++ BROWN DEER, Wis. (UPI, 05-30) - A 9-year-old third grade
student has been expelled from Dean School for tickling an 8-year-old
girl on her bottom. Two other boys held the girl during a schoolyard
game, pulled up her skirt and then the 9-year-old began tickling her.

+++ MARONECK, N.Y. (LAT, 05-28) Contributor: Ric Oshrin
[freebird@aol.com] - Bessie Cassaro, 64, who was forced into her
trunk by carjackers attracted the attention of a police officer by
pulling the wires to disable the taillights. The two suspects forced
police into a chase when officers attempted to pull the vehicle over
because of bad lights. The chase ended when the car crashed into
a pole. The woman did not suffer any serious injuries.

+++ U.K. (BBC, 05-28) Contributor: Nick Hopkinson
[nick.hopkinson@btinternet.com] - Rupert Allison, the Conservative
MP for Torbay, went for an Italian meal on the eve of a recent UK
General Election. Unfortunately for Rupert he didn't leave a tip and
all 14 staff at the restaurant decided to switch their votes to the
Liberal Democrat candidate. The next day Rupert lost the election
by ... 12 votes.

+++ ANSONIA, Ohio (NT, 05-30) - Jamie Hines, 18, flashed the
audience at Ansonia High School during the graduation ceremony.
"After he got his diploma, he raised his gown and depending on
where were you sitting in the gym, you either got a northern
exposure or a southern exposure (of his private parts)," said Jesse
Green, assistant county prosecutor. Hines was sentenced to two
days in jail, fined $100 and has to serve 100 hours of community
service. "I wouldn't do it again," he said. "I didn't expect trouble."

+++ WALDSHUT-TIENGEN, Germany (06-01) Contributor: Gerd
Kerscher [gkerscher@stepnet.de] - An intruder broke into a 64-year-old
man's apartment four times during the last five months. The suspect
never stole anything and only used the shower each time. Police
recovered a wash cloth after the last incident.

+++ BETHANY, Conn. (AP, 06-02) Contributor: Tim Pickard
[Tim_Pickard@silverplatter.com] - Three young men decided to
impress a girl by stealing a cow and place it in the middle of the
girl's living room. Their attempt to lift up the cow into a truck was
unsuccessful and the three men decided to steal a school bus.
Unfortunately the bus crashed into a utility pole, causing power
loss in the neighborhood. They have been charged and were
ordered to appear in New Haven Superior Court later this month.

+++ CHRISTIANSBURG, Virginia (AP, 06-02) Contributor: Matthew
Steger [n3ntj@erie.net] - Michael Knowles, a former postal worker
who told Ann Landers he had killed his wife, was convicted of
murder. Knowles sued the famous advice columnist for $100 million
for publishing his letter. In the letter Knowles said his wife was
having an affair with a man she met on the Internet. "The court
ordered me to give her $410 every two weeks. I thought about
how unjust this was and decided to kill her." In her newspaper
column Landers replied: "Blaming the Internet is a cop-out. You
killed your wife because she left you."

+++ CHICAGO (R, 05-28) - Diana Meeks, 25, mother of five, ignored
her doctor's order to immediately take her malnourished 2-month-old
baby to a hospital. The woman instead took him to a salon where
he died as she was having her nails done. The baby weighed
5-pounds, 11-ounces when he was born March 29. He weighed
3 pounds when he died. Meeks was charged with involuntary
manslaughter.

+++ JERUSALEM (JP, 05-27) Contributor: Ploni Almoni
[israel_news@hotmail.com] - The Palestinian Authority accused
Israel of manufacturing and exporting sexually stimulating
chewing gum into Palestinian controlled territory. "Laboratory
tests made on seven brands of Israeli gum smuggled into the
West Bank and Gaza showed they contain a sexually stimulating
adrenaline substance," said Saleh Abdulal, director of the
inspection department of the PA Ministry of Supplies. Israeli
officials call the accusations "ridiculous."

+++ JERUSALEM (JP, 05-29) Contributor: Ploni Almoni
[israel_news@hotmail.com] - The man who put a curse on Prime
Minister Yitzhak Rabin a month before he was assassinated was
convicted and will be sentenced this week. Avigdor Eskin may
face a maximum sentence of six years behind bars for publicly
admitting on national television that Rabin died as a result of
his curse.
___---------------------

>>> POLL

+++ Last POLL: "You be the judge." See how readers would sentence
a man convicted of plotting his own mother's murder on Mother's Day.
She lives, he got busted.
Reply
#25
HUMOURMsg # 380 of 622                 Date: Tue 10/06/1997,  9:03 pm  [E]

From: RASPUTIN                   Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: Study Courses Available

                   ELECTIVE COURSES FOR THE NEW TERM
                   ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ

                      BUSINESS AND CAREER COURSES
                      ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
BC101   Money Can Make You Rich
BC102   How To Profit From Your Own Body
BC103   Tax Shelters For The Indigent
BC104   The Under-Achievers Guide To Very Small Business Opportunities
BC105   I Made $100 In Real Estate
BC106   The Looter'S Guide To Big Cities
BC107   Career Opportunities In Iraq
BC108   Packing And Selling Your Child

                             CRAFT COURSES
                             ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
CC201   Self-Actualization Through Macrame
CC202   Needlecraft For Junkies
CC203   Bonsai Your Pet
CC204   Knit Yourself A Budgerigar
CC205   Teaching Your Budgie Sign Language
CC206   Computerised Woodcarving
CC207   Rearranging Your Mate
CC208   How To Draw Genitalia
CC209   Gifts For The Senile

                         HOME ECONOMIC COURSES
                         ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
HE301   How To Convert Your Family Room Into A Garage
HE302   Cultivating Viruses In Your Refrigerator
HE303   McDonalds McMenu For Home Cooking
HE304   Sinus Drainage At Home
HE305   Burglarproof Your Home With Concrete
HE306   Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
HE307   Recycling Regurgitated Food For Your Pet
HE308   1001 Other Uses For Your Vacuum Cleaner
HE309   The Repair And Maintenance Of Your Virginity
HE310   How To Convert A Wheelchair Into A Dune Buggy

                       HEALTH AND FITNESS COURSES
                       ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
HF401    Creative Tooth Decay
HF402    The Joy Of Hypochondria
HF403    Exercise And Acne
HF404    Exercise And Fish 'N' Chips
HF405    Skate Your Way To Regularity
HF406    Bio-Feedback And How To Stop
HF407    Suicide And Your Health
HF408    Dsw Novice Queue-Jumping
HF409    High Fibre Sex
HF410    Exercising The World'S Best Oral Contraceptive

                        SELF-IMPROVEMENT COURSES
                        ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
SI501    Creative Suffering
SI502    Overcoming Peace Of Mind
SI503    Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretence And Ostentation
SI504    Ego Gratification Through Violence
SI505    Guilt Without Sex
SI506    The Primal Shrug
SI507    Whine Your Way To Alienation
SI508    Moulding Your Child'S Behaviour With Guilt And Fear
SI509    Beat Masochism With Post-Realisation Depression
SI510    Dealing With Post-Realisation Depression

                            COMPUTER COURSES
                            ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
CC601    Fifty Ways To Get Angry And Frustrated
CC602    1001 Ways To Electronically Lose Data
CC603    How To Avoid Monitors And Eye-Strain
CC604    How To Avoid Keyboards And Repetitive Strain Injury
CC605    Get Smart! Purchase An Abacus
CC606    Program Manipulation! Destroying Disks
CC607    Computer Correction: Essential Hammer Blows
CC608    Make Money With Your Computer: Disposal And Recycling
CC609    Breeding Computer Viruses
CC610    World Control Through Virus Proliferation

                         BE EARLY.....ENROL NOW
                           LIMITED VACANCIES

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 381 of 622                 Date: Mon  9/06/1997,  4:16 pm  [E]
From: JOSHUA MCLARIN             Read: 26 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: JOKE !(cool)

The Following Is NOT a made up joke but a funny instance of something
happened read on......

Dear Sir,
God bless you for the beatiful radio your company donated as a prize at our
recent Senior Citizen Luncheon, I was the lucky one to win it.
I am 86 years old and live at the Country Home for the aged.  All my people
are gone and it was nice to have someone think of me.
God Bless your kindness to an old forgotten lady
My roomate is 95 and always had her own Radio but would never let me listen
to it.  The otherday her radio fell and vroke into lots of pieces.  It was
just awful.
She asked if she could listen to my new radio and I told her to GET FUCKED!

Sincerely
Elsie Mcevoy


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 382 of 622                 Date: Thu 19/06/1997,  7:45 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 28 times

     To: XLNC                    Fwd From: :  What is there to do in Wellingto
Subject: XLNC mentioned somthing a

HeeHee...try this one!

     M A D   A L ' S   G U I D E   T O   B E I N G   A   B E S T   M A N


1. THE STAG NIGHT

It doesn't really matter what you do on the actual night as long as the next
morning the intended Groom wakes up naked, handcuffed to a Orang-Utan, in a
cage in the hold of a Boeing 747 which has just landed in Somalia.

2. THE CEREMONY (fun with the ring)

   1. Drop your trousers, pull on a surgical glove and say, Hold on I
      put it here for safe keeping.
   2. Substitute the ring for one of the following:

      - A diet Pepsi ring pull
      - A Hula Hoop
      - A Bunion Pad
      - A Toilet seat
      - The rim of a condom
      - An oven ready Chicken
      - A Pornographic Magazine
      - John Major
      - A Shamrock Rovers Supporter


... /usr/earth is 98% full...  please delete anyone you can.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 383 of 622                 Date: Wed 18/06/1997,  9:52 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 39 times

     To: XLNC                    Fwd From: :  What is there to do in Wellingto
Subject: XLNC mentioned somthing a

Damn...got a joke about this...

A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental
hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat.  He stops
his car, looks outside.  There is nobody around.  Also he realizes that
the road he was riding was near the mental hospital.  In short he
realizes that there is no available cheap labor to change the flat tire.

The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire,
puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire,
trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer.
There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor,
helpless.

Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds that there
is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars).  The
patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and
saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help."

"How?" asks the WASP.  "Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each
of the other three wheels and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are
careful you will make it to the nearest gas station."

"You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, "Why did
they locked you in?"  "They put me in because I am a loonie," the guy
tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I am stupid."


... Slit your wrists--it'll lower your blood pressure.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 384 of 622                 Date: Tue 24/06/1997, 10:57 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: The Bluffers Guide :>

Computer Bluffing:

It is the easiest thing in the world to bluff people into believing that you
are a computer expert.  Simply cut out all words from your conversation
except 'the', 'and', 'initialisation' and 'configuration', then fill up the
spaces with letters, numbers and a few jargon words.

The only disadvantage with this method is that when dealing with the public,
you may begin to notice a strange reaction in the listener.  First their
eyes glaze over, then they suddenly remember an important appointment.  On
the other hand, if you try this bluff with a real computer expert, he will
immediately accept you as an expert and respond enthusiastically in exactly
the same way.  At this point your eyes will probably glaze over, shortly
before you also suddenly remember an important appointment.

As the point of bluffing is to make yourself more exotic and interesting,
this simple form can rarely be recommended.

But that doesn't mean it's difficult to bluff in this field.  The general
public hold computers and computer people in awe, convinced that both are
intrinsically clever and interesting.  At no time should the public ever be
given the slightest hint of the truth.

There is actually no activity where it is easier to be accepted on equal
terms with experts - as long as you follow thes Seven Golden Rules to the
Complete Computer Buff Bluff.


Golden Rules to Computer Bluffing:

1.     The 'Today I'm an expert on OS/2' ploy.
Always be an 'expert' on a different type of computer from the person you
are talking to.  While the computers often look the same on the outside,
inside the only similarity they have is that they all work on electricity
(except for the abacus of course, which works on gas). One of the main
areas of difference is the operating system - a delightfully vague concept
that no-one knows too much about, so there's little chance that anyone will
ask you a meaningful question about why it is so important.

Just mention to an MS-DOS expert that you only use OS/2 (or vice versa) and
you are suddenly totally and utterly safe.  This is the computer person's
equivalent of saying:  "Oh by the way I only speak Swahili and don't
understand a word of English."  In fact there is probably a greater chance
of meeting a fluent Swahili/English translator at a party than to find a
computer expert fluent in two operating systems.

If you are surrounded by experts and are worried that someone might
understand both MS-DOS and OS/2 (though computer experts seldom get invited
to good parties), make up your own operating system.  There are many really
obscure formats usually devised for a computer that sold three models before
the company went into liquidation, so no-one is likely to object that they
have never heard of your operating system.

Remember to end the name of your spurious operating system with DOS (DOS
stands for Disc Operated System, so whatever you do, don't start talking
about loading tapes - that's a dead give-away that you're really a Sinclair
Spectrum owner).  Virtually anything ending in DOS will do, but be wary of
using old 'DOM-S-DOS'.  It is unlikely that real computer buffs will see the
joke but you might just be unlucky and come up against one with a sense of
humour.

2.     The 'Oh, still using that one!' put down.
Always sneer at every operating system or computer other than your own.
Experts in other operating systems will sneer at your operating system as if
they were once experts on your system but rejected it as useless, even if
it's one that you've made up.

If the person you are speaking to admits to having an 8-bit machine, claim
to have a 16-bit machine.  If they have a 16-bit machine, claim to have a
32-bit machine.  Keep going like this until you get to a 64-bit machine
(above which it would be pushing things a bit).  Don't worry about the
difference betwen 8, 16 and 32-bit machines.  Few people in the world could
explain what the exact difference is, so you can just assume that a 16-bit
is twice as good as an 8-bit and so on.

3.     The 'I wouldn't dirty my hands' opening.
Never admit to using a computer for any practical reason.  Never mention
using spreadsheet, database or worst of all, a word processor.  The real
computer bluffer should only have a computer for some peculiarly esoteric
purpose to do with programming.  To admit that you gained some commercial
advantage from your computer is like an avant garde poet admitting that he
writes greeting card verse.

4.     The 'It needs a bit of tweaking' gambit.
Never admit to using a commercial program.  If you are forced to admit using
something, say you run a PD program (see Public Domain) although you
wouldn't recommend evryone to use it because it takes a bit of 'tweaking' to
get it to run.

Tweaking is a technical term that means taking someone else's program
usually written for a different computer and improving it or adapting it to
work on your machine (like those people who devote their lives to taking the
engine out of a Morris Minor and replacing it with one from a Harrier Jump
Jet).  However, tweaking isn't so much fun, and usually has less chance of
success.

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred you will be perfectly safe with this
routine.  Anyone with any pretensions to being a computer buff has a house
full of PD programs that they can't get to work; programs bought on the
recommendation of a friend who mentioned that 'all it needs is a little
tweaking'.

They will never attempt to buy the non-existent program that you've
recommended, although they might recommend it to someone else.

If you're really lucky, you could one day find your spurious program being
recommended to you - althought 'it might need a bit of tweaking'.  If this
happens you can regard yourself as a master bluffer.

If you have to quote a name, remember that all PD programs have names made
up of words with the vowels missing like SPRDSHT or are just a random
selection of letters (see TLA).  Pretend to have bought it from a mythical
American PD library called PD SPLOG or some other unlikely acronym.

5.     The 'And for my next trick' trick.
Always be on the point of buying a new, far more powerful computer.  This
should be a 'fifth generation portable 32-bit machine' with 'true
multi-tasking' that can work out mandelbrot equations and perform open heart
surgery at the same time.  If anyone dares to admit that they haven't heard
of it, just say that Amstrad have still got it under wraps in this country,
but that they launched it at an office equipment show in Anaheim (L.A.).
No-one will disbelieve that.

6.     The 'I believe they loaded programs with tape recorders' scam.
It is a general rule throughout the computer industry that you should
be young.  Very young.  There is no point boasting at age 25 that you can
program in Pascal.  Within minutes you will be confronted by a nine year old
who has been programming in 'assembler' for the last two years.  It is
simpler to keep dying your hair and pretending not to remember a time before
people used Windows.

In the same vein remember that the computer industry is one of the only
spheres of activity where experience is totally useless.  Even as a new
computer is launched on the market, the company's Research and Development
team have already developed one with twice the capacity in half the size -
which is, of course, totally incompatible with the existing model.

Do not be impressed by stories of years of computer experience.  Anything
learnt 10 minutes ago is liable to be out of date.  anything learnt 10 years
ago is as useful as a technique for hunting a sabre-toothed tiger with a
flint tipped spear.

7.     The 'IBM is a fully instituted TLA' fol-de-rol.
By far the most important concept you have to grasp to be a successful
computer bluffer must be how to use the TLA.  This is the only piece of
computer technology that is common in every form of computer from the 32k
games machine to the massive mainframe.

There is no area of computing that does not use the TLA extensively and
knowledge of how to use it properly can confer immediate status on its user.
The TLA, of course, stands for the Three Letter Abbreviation.

How the TLA was invented is lost in the mists of antiquity.  Why three
letters should be chosen is a total mystery.  It has been suggested that
'three' was chosen by early computer aces because of the well-known fact
that computers can only count up to two (see binary) and this was proof that
the human operator was still superior.

A great deal of ingenuity has gone into creating the most unlikely TLAs.
The original idea was that the letters should be the initials of real words,
but this is only of passing interest to the computer buff.  People quite
happily useTLAs for many years without the slightest idea of what they
really mean.  For instance, how many people have used an EMS file to start
their computer without the faintest idea that the letters stand for 'Early
Morning Start'?  This means that literally thousands of people use an EMS
file to start up their computers in the afternoon or even the evening
without realising they're using the wrong file.

Never think the TLA makes for easier conversation.  Try saying 'VDU' and
then 'Screen' and decide which one you think is easier to utter.  The real
reason for the TLA is:
       a)      To cause confusion;
       b)      To be purposely obscure;
       c)      To allow the user to feel smug.
Much as lawyers use Latin.

Use the TLA mercilessly.  The only areas to avoid are the ones that are so
well known that everyone thinks they know what they mean (TPA, IBM, VAT,
etc.).  Once you are sure that you are not clashing with a real TLA the rest
of the alphabet is yours to play with (you would need a computer to work out
the number of permutations).

So never again say three words when three letters will do.  A good computer
bluffer will take the NNB (Number Nine Bus) to his POE (Place of Employment)
after a good breakfast of MNX (Memory Nodule Extensions).


End Part 1
From the book "The Bluffers Guide to Computing"
As you can see... it's well worth buying someone for a prezzie! :>
Typed up by me.  Painstakingly.  Duhouch.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 385 of 622                 Date: Thu 26/06/1997,  3:03 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 23 times  [2 Retorts]

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Re: Read this! :>

>Jesus saves­ .... with PostBank­

Jesus saves.. passes it to Moses.. he shoots...HE SCORES!

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 386 of 622                 Date: Thu 26/06/1997,  4:42 pm  [E]
From: RASPUTIN                   Read: 25 times  [2 Retorts]

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: Read this! :>

>>Jesus saves­ .... with PostBank­
>
>Jesus saves.. passes it to Moses.. he shoots...HE SCORES!

Did you know there were motorbikes in the Old testament¨
After king David had won one of his battles, the bible says "and his triumph
was heard throughout the land". (We all know triumphs are noisy bikes, too)

There's cars in the new Testament too, it says that after the disciples had
discussed a problem at length, that the disciples were all in one accord.
I presume that'd be a Honda Accord.

Also I have the same surname as Moses, but you'd have to know Dutch for
that one.
In case Proteus sees this, the verse is: 'En toen kwam Moses van den berg.'


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 387 of 622                 Date: Thu 26/06/1997,  5:49 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 27 times

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Moses

>Did you know there were motorbikes in the Old testament¨
>After king David had won one of his battles, the bible says "and his triumph
>was heard throughout the land". (We all know triumphs are noisy bikes, too)
>There's cars in the new Testament too, it says that after the disciples had
>discussed a problem at length, that the disciples were all in one accord.
>I presume that'd be a Honda Accord.

(Stolen from My fred Dag Record)
We three Kings from Orient Are
One on a tractor, one in a car
One on a scooter tooting his Hoooooter
Following Yonder Star... ooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Star of wonder star of light
Star of beauty, she'll be right
Star of Glory thats the story
Following yonder star.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 388 of 622                 Date: Fri 27/06/1997,  1:52 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 23 times

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Re: Read this! :>

>>>Jesus saves­ .... with PostBank­
>>
>>Jesus saves.. passes it to Moses.. he shoots...HE SCORES!
>
>Did you know there were motorbikes in the Old testament¨
>After king David had won one of his battles, the bible says "and his triumph
>was heard throughout the land". (We all know triumphs are noisy bikes, too)

There's also the passage "And Moses burned down the desert on his Triumph".
:>

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 389 of 622                 Date: Sun 29/06/1997, 10:07 am  [E]
From: TREKKER                    Read: 23 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: Read this! :>

>>Jesus saves­ .... with PostBank­
>
>Jesus saves.. passes it to Moses.. he shoots...HE SCORES!

Jesus Saves, but Cantona scores on the rebound.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 390 of 622                 Date: Sun 29/06/1997, 12:28 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 25 times

     To: TREKKER
Subject: Re: Read this! :>

>>>>>Jesus saves­ .... with PostBank­
>>>>
>>>>Jesus saves.. passes it to Moses.. he shoots...HE SCORES!
>>>
>>>Did you know there were motorbikes in the Old testament¨
>>>After king David had won one of his battles, the bible says "and his trium
>>>was heard throughout the land". (We all know triumphs are noisy bikes, too
>>
>>There's also the passage "And Moses burned down the desert on his Triumph".
>
>So now we know, Moses was a hoon.

No wonder he got served with a writ!

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 391 of 622                 Date: Tue  8/07/1997, 11:35 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 25 times

     To: All
Subject: HuMoUr...lamerstyle :>

Here's a joke a filched off Fidonet :>

*British Airways*

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking.  On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.  If you
look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port
wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.  That's me  your
captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.  This is  a
recorded message."


... "I am NOT a gay necrophiliac," said Tom, in dead Earnest.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 392 of 622                 Date: Thu 10/07/1997,  7:24 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 28 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: sick


Three men were discussing how drunk they were the previous night..

"God was I sick last night said the first, I staggered home and blew chunks
right in the middle of the neighbours driveway."

"Oh thats nothing" said the second "I was so sick I staggered home and threw
up all over the wife!"

"Hell I was so drunk" said the third, "I barfed all other the kitchen floor
and fell asleep right in the middle of it!"

"No no you dont understand" said the first man, " Chunks" is the neighbours
Rottweiler!!"

:>

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 393 of 622                 Date: Fri 11/07/1997,  1:00 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: ALL
Subject: The Bluffers Guide #2 :>

Computers and the Public
========================

Life is much easier if you are dealing with a member of the public.  The
total facts known by the average person about comupters are:

a)     They've gone wrong when your pay packet/gas bill/income tax is not
       right.
b)     They allow you to shoot down an infinite number of green nasties form
       outer-space and save civilisation as we know it.
c)     They allow you to phone up the Pentagon and read top secret files
       listing all the important details of America's defences, even before
       they're printed in the 'New York Times'.

The major misconception that the public seems to have is that *computers do
interesting things*.  This is totally and utterly wrong.  Computers are
really best at doing a lot of very boring things very quickly.  But don't
admit this to anyone who hasn't realised it.

The average person has absolutely no idea what you actually do with a
computer.  The art of true computer bluffing is to convince the layman that
you're doing something really significant with it, without ever letting slip
what it is.  Since genuine computer experts spend a lot of time doing the
same thing, there is no chance you will be shown up as a fraud.


Micro-Chips with Everything
---------------------------

It is true to say that microchips are taking over our lives.  Everyone who
has switched on an automatic washing machine, read the time from a digital
watch or drunk coffee out of one of those mugs that play 'Happy Birthday to
You' every time you pick up the wretched thing, has had first hand
experience of micro-chips.

These mundane uses do not make microchips any more understandable to the man
in the stret.  If anything it just confuses him further when he tries to
figure out why multi-national companies would invest millions of pounds on
mainframe computers that play 'Happy Birthday to You' very loudly when you
pick them up.

Use of the Manual
-----------------

While computer and software manufacturers have made great advances in making
computers and programs more user-friendly (they now have error messages like
'Sorry!  Fatal System Error!'), the vast majority of people over the age of
30 still regard computers as mysterious temperamental things that need
instinctive and sensitive handling.  If they ever found out that all you
need is a logical mind and two typing fingers to use virtually any piece of
software, many thousands of bluffers would be unceremoniously dumped on the
unemployment scrap-heap.  Or forced to get a real job.

Only one thing stands between us and this terrible predicament.  The
Software Manual.  Reading the average Software Manual makes you realise that
the computer industry has been infiltrated at the highest levels by some of
the top bluffers in the country.

Everyone knows the First Law of Micro-Processing:  'If all else fails, read
the manual.'  A true bluffer would never make such an irresponsible
statement.  For this document is a vital element in a bluff that has kept
the general public out of computers for years.

If you are ever faced with the unthinkable - actually having to get a piece
of software to work - the way to tackle it is by playing about with the
program and finding out by trial and error what it does..  Once you have
mastered the program you can go to the manual and work out what it actually
means.  This might take some time, so accept no dinner invitations for the
next two years.

If anyone else needs to use the software, insist that they start by reading
the manual from cover to cover.  Say something like 'You'll find the
appendix on BDOS calls invaluable.'  It doesn't matter if there aren't any
appendices.  They won't get that far.

They'll still be ploughing their way through helpful pieces of information
like 'the syntax for this command is DEVICE logical-device=physical-devicel,
physical device2 [,physical-deviceN]' or 'Designated drive: ambiguous
filename: argument'.  If they believe you have uderstood this and gone on
to run the program, your reputation will be assured forever.

 Helpful Error Messages
----------------------

As well as being armed with a good, stout manual, you should have a
plentiful supply of error messages.  These are helpful little phrases that
appear on the screen to announce that something has gone wrong and you've
just corrupted all your work for the last month.

There is a game amongst computer programmers to see who can produce the
longest and most obscure error message in the world.  One strong contender
that appeared on a mainframe computer was the message 'VME ERROR 37022:
Hierarchic name syntax invalid taking into account starting points defined
by initial context.'  That's a real one.  Most programs are remembered not
for their power of user-friendliness but for the originality and creativity
of their error messages.

Once you realise it's all a game, you can face 'Unexpected diagnostic
verification violation' flashing on your screen with total equanimity.

Where error messages come in really useful is when you reach that dreadful
moment when someone asks you to do something on the computer and *you don't
know how to do it*.  A normal person would stupidly blurt out something like
'I don't know how to do that.' But the bluffer just smiles quietly,
confidently presses a few significant looking keys, then stares at the
screen with a worried expression and, when nothing happens, murmurs 'Oh
dear. Looks like we've got severe mantissa buffering overload in the high
addresses.'

Strictly speaking that doesn't mean anything.  But strangly enough, no-one
has ever been known to ask what it does mean.  A really enthusiastic bluffer
might experiment until he finds a method of consistently producing real
error messages(it's remarkably easy).  Then let the other person decide
whether you should go on once you have been warned: that there is an
'Untrapped Illegal Stack Deficiency in 720.'

Here are three useful error messages you can use, with a short explanation
of what they mean.

'Severe retrieval format corruption' - nothing.
'Non-recoverable global drivespec missing in 4070' - nothing.
'Terminal high byte consolidation violation' - nothing.

Educating the Public
--------------------

A bluffer's life must not be taken up totally with trying to keep the public
in a state of ignorance about computers.  In order that the man in the
street might more fully appreciate the power of computers (and therefore how
clever you are for knowing how to work them) you will make an effort to
educate the less well informaed as to how computers can revolutionise their
lives.  This is a useful public service and can provide hours of innocent
fun.

It's important that you try and explain the seemingly contradictory facts
that computers are extremely complex, but anyone can quickly learn how they
work - assuming that they are reasonably intelligent, i.e. their IQ measures
140 on a bad day.  Since no-one will ever admit to being stupid, you can be
sure of a rapt and grateful audience.

The fact that people will probably only understand one word in ten doesn't
matter.  That's their fault, not yours.


Computers and Numbers
=====================

People mistakenly believe that computers have a lot to do with numbers.
This is totally inaccurate.  In fact, a large number of dysnumeric bluffers
have gone into computers because there's no area easier to hide a complete
inability to count, except perhaps mathematics.

You should realise that computer figures don't really mean anything because:

a)     Nearly all the numbers you use are actually names for obscure things.
b)     There are so many obscure things with numbers instead of names that
       whatever number you happen to quote will probably be accurate.

Above all, remember that you will never be asked to add or subtract them, or
anything difficult like that.

If you really want to do any computations with numbers, buy yourself a
pocket calculator.  They are far easier to work, don't stop working
unexpectedly as often, and are usually more accurate.  One good way to
annoy real computer people is to secretly use your pocket calculator to work
out the square root of 43, accurate to 27 significant points and then talk
in a loud voice about how you got your computer to work it out.  But leave
the room before they torture you to find out how you did it.

Note that they will never ask why you want the square root of 43 accurate to
27 points.  This comes under the heading of an 'interesting' (i.e. useless)
thing that you can get your computer to do.

The only really important numbers you have to remember are the ones in your
computer's name.  All computers have a number somewhere in their title,
which may or may not mean something.  If you have invented a computer for
yourself, always add a number.  The Doppelganger ZQ768 for instance, would
do nicely.  To make it really authentic always choose a number that can be
divided by 256, the computer's mystical number.

Binary
------

The main thing you need to remember about computers and numbers is that they
can only count up to one (starting at 0 of course).  These are called binary
numbers and are of no practical use to anyone using a computer.  This does
not stop anyone who purports to know anything about computers explaining
binary in detail at the drop of a floppy disc.  There are computer magazines
that will insist on filling a page on binary in an article telling you how
to wire the plug for your computer.

The main purpose of binary therefore is to confuse listeners so much that
they won't see the gaping holes in the reasoning of later discussions.  You
should therefore start any conversation with the computer illiterate with a
lengthy discussion on binary.

Hex
---

If your listener looks as if he is perhaps beginning to grasp the idea of
binary, immediately slip into a lecture on hex numbers without any
explanation.  Hexadecimal numbers (or hex as its known to its friends) is
the system whereby a computer instead of counting up to 1, counts up to 16.
(Please note that no matter how clever computers are supposed to be, they
never seem to have caught on to the fact that everyone else counts up to
10.)

As there aren't 16 single digits available you have to use letters as
numbers in hex (0B, for example, in hex represents 'eleven' and 3F in hex is
pronounced 'sixty-three').  So remember that when you quote a hex figure it
will always have two digits, one or both of which could be a letter between
A and F.  The only one worth memorising is that 100 in hex is really 256 -
the computer's mystical number.  But, of course, as hex numbers only have
two digits you have to start at nothing again.

If any at time others question any figure you mention, just shake your head
sadly and point out you were working in hex.  Then snigger quietly to
yourself as they try to convert all your numbers into decimal without
counting on their fingers.

The major advantage of counting in hex however is that on your 40th birthday
you can truthfully tell the world you are 28.

ASCII
-----

Should a particularly bright listener show even the slightest protential to
grasp the idea of hex quickly skip on to the fact that computers are
convinced that letters are numbers.  The secret is hidden in the snappily
titled American Standard Code for Information Interchange - pronounced
'As-key' (as in Arthur ASCII).

As codes go, this one is childishly easy to break.  It turns out that even
so-called word processors can't remember letters so they turn all letters
into numbers which they can remember, though only one and zero if they're
working in binary.  But not if they're working in hex, when they turn
letters into numbers *and* letters, of course.

The idea is that if you have a file translated into this ASCII code it can
be read by virtually any computer.  What they don't tell you is that if you
have an ASCII file on an 8" disc you can't get it into a 3" disc drive.




End Part 2
From the book "The Bluffers Guide to Computing"
As you can see... it's well worth buying someone for a prezzie! (about $3)
:>
Typed up by me.  Painstakingly again.  Duhouch.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 394 of 622                 Date: Fri 18/07/1997,  5:07 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 25 times

     To: ZOSIMOS
Subject: sick

 Zo>
 Zo> Three men were discussing how drunk they were the previous night..

 Zo> "God was I sick last night said the first, I staggered home and blew
 Zo> chunks right in the middle of the neighbours driveway."

 Zo> "Oh thats nothing" said the second "I was so sick I staggered home and
 Zo> threw up all over the wife!"

 Zo> "Hell I was so drunk" said the third, "I barfed all other the kitchen
 Zo> floor and fell asleep right in the middle of it!"

 Zo> "No no you dont understand" said the first man, " Chunks" is the
 Zo> neighbours Rottweiler!!"

<grin> There's a messy i'm gonna save :>
try this :>

 The priest had to be out of town for a few weeks, so a replacement
was brought in to hear confessions.  During the confessions, several women
from the parish told the priest that they had committed adultery.  The
priest told them that the word "Adultery" was a little strong, and that
they should used the word "Slipped" instead.

 Well, after a few weeks, the regular priest returned, and, not
knowing the substitute priests usage of the word "Slip", was surprised to
hear that the women thought that slipping was a sin...

 The priest decided to have a talk with the groundskeeper, telling him
that he needed to take better care of the sidewalks, as several of the
women were slipping frequently.  The groundskeeper (knowing what they had
meant), immediately started laughing.

 The priest looked at him and said "I don't know what you're laughing
about, your wife slipped three times last week!"


... Adult: One Old Enough To Know Better.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 395 of 622                 Date: Sun 20/07/1997,  3:48 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 22 times

     To: All
Subject: Mens Bathroom Etiquette

                         BATHROOM EIQUETTE FOR MEN
                             - Submitted by Norson
                         -----------------
Take the quiz below. The men will be checking their actions vs the
"correct answers and the women readers will be amused how different
the male bathroom is different than the "powder rooms"
This is psychological amusement, not dirty humor. Read it and
I'm sure you will agree.

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.   An X
above the number will indicate "in use."

NOTE: IF THIS IS NOT ALLIGNED PROPERLY, Set your  e-mail preferences to
a "fixed length font" such as courier (or experiment until you can see it
clearly).

  (Sample):

   |   |   | x |   |   | x |     (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     are occupied.)
   -------------------------

You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which
stall you are to stand.  Good luck!

   --------------------
     Easy Section
   --------------------
  1.)

   |   | x |   | x |   |   |     (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------

  Your choice: __   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer: 6        It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
                           instinctively knows this.

===============================================
  2.)

   | x |   |   |   |   |   |    (Urinal 1 occupied.)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------

  Your choice:  __   -----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6   Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater
                    risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

===============================================
   -------------------------
   Kind of tricky Section:
   -------------------------
  3.)

   |   |   |   |   |   |   |   (empty)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   --------------------------

  Your choice:  _   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  1 or 6  You are tacitly saying, "I don't want
                    anyone next to me."

===============================================
  4.)

    |   | x |   | x |   | x |       (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
    | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
    -------------------------

  Your choice:  __   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  1        You're stuck being next to at
                            least ONE guy, so you minimize the
                            impact and get a wall on your left.
                            NEVER go between TWO guys if you
                            can help it.  Exceptions to this
                            are stadium restrooms where the
                            herd thunders in.

===============================================
   -----------------------------------------------
   Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
   -----------------------------------------------
  5.)

  |   | x |   |   | x | x |          (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
  | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------

  Your choice:  _   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  4       Believe it or not,  1 and 3 "couples"
                           you with the guy in stall 2.  And we
                           wouldn't want THAT now, would we?

                           This differs from question 4 in such a
                           subtle way that the nuances cannot be
                           explained.  Suffice to say, only we men
                           would understand!

===============================================
   -----------------------------
   VERY tricky indeed Section
   -----------------------------
  6.)

  | x | x |   |   | x | x |          (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
  | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------

  Your choice:  __   -----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer:  NONE!  You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your
                 hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up"
                 a bit more.  If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD,
                 ... use a doored stall.

===============================================
  Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

* While taking care of business, stare at the imaginary "Pee Spot"
directly in front of you.  Do not let your eyes wander about.

* NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then,
keep it terse and unemotional.  This ain't no clubhouse.

* I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touchingof
anyone other than yourself.  A touch of another's elbow is of the
highest offense.

* NO Singing.  Period.

* Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only
"Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again"

Enjoy!!! <grin> - Bloodsword.

... You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Reply
#26
HUMOURMsg # 396 of 622                 Date: Thu 24/07/1997,  4:14 pm  [E]

From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 23 times

     To: All
Subject: Bloodyswords! humourzone.

Oh yeah, a joke.. Right, here we go:

There were three nuns going to heaven (As they were dead). To get in they had
to answer one quesion each. The bouncer at the door asked the fist nun: Who w
the first man? She replied, Adam.. Then he asked the second nun: Who was the
first woman? She then replied, Eve.. Then he said to the final nun, (Who was
the head nun), I'm afraid this one has to be a little harder, as you are the
head nun.. she said.. yeah.. er, okz then.. So, he asked her: Right, what was
the first thing the first woman said to the first nun?
She replied, My, thats a hard one... Thats Right!! The bouncer bloke exclaime
your in!

... By Golly...for a moment there, it all made sense...

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 397 of 622                 Date: Mon 28/07/1997,  1:40 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 23 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All                     Fwd From: :Yes, I'm playing with centering *g
Subject: Seen around the internet :>

Customer:  I've installed Windows '95 on my computer.
Helpdesk:  Uh huh...

Customer:  My machine stopped working.
Helpdesk:  You just said that.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 398 of 622                 Date: Mon 28/07/1997, 11:51 pm  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 22 times

     To: AIMEE WINN
Subject: Re: Seen around the internet :>

>Customer:  I've installed Windows '95 on my computer.
>Helpdesk:  Uh huh...
>Customer:  My machine stopped working.
>Helpdesk:  You just said that.

Customer: This New PC isnt working
ME: What new computer...
Cust: The one thats turned up on this desk, Its got no power.
ME: Describe it to me.
Cust: Its a Racal, and the screen has 2 glass panels under it...


ME..(Eventually): Well what you have there is... A Racal modem, with a
                     Microfische parked on top, and a spare keyboard parked
                     in front... theres a lot of gear moving into your area
                     right...?
Cust: Oh yeah, another branch is moving in today...

                ---=== X.L.N.C wuz here ===---

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HUMOURMsg # 399 of 622                 Date: Tue 29/07/1997,  4:18 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour of the worst kind

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet
in the world in an attempt to lose weight?  He tried the
Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many
more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he
noticed a small ad  that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202)555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice
on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."  The voice replied, "Very well,
give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative
over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a
sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas,
through the kitchen, all around the house.

Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When
he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the
bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to
find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end
asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" to which the somewhat
less overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."  "Very well," the voice
on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have
a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have
me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly
passed out, but he finally did catch her.

When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another
20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the
other end  asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty
pounds!" the man exclaimed.  "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked,
"That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man
replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just
have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung
up the phone.


About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes
on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.  When he opens the
door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck
stating,  "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."


... Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.

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HUMOURMsg # 400 of 622                 Date: Tue 29/07/1997,  4:19 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 23 times

     To: All
Subject: For Raspy! Wink

                    THE CHEMIST'S SONG

Sung to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK."

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
I clean my flasks, I read my JACS,
I do reactions well.
Someday I'll be unlucky
And blow myself to Hell.

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He cleans his flasks, he reads his JACS,
He does reactions well.
Someday we'll all be lucky
And watch him blown to Hell.

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I prowl the library all day.
The articles that I could use
Are gone when they're in need.
If I were a bookbinder,
I'd have them all to read!

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK,
He prowls the library all day.
the articles that he could use
Are gone when they're in need.
If he were a bookbinder,
He'd have to learn to read!

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I sleep all night and I sleep all day.
I like my work, I like my profs,
I go to seminars.
When I do any research
I just wind up with tars.

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK,
He sleeps all night and he sleeps all day.
He hates his work, he hates his profs,
He sleeps through seminars.
The Boss can take the research
And shove it up his arse.

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I work all night and I work all day.
I rotovap, distill it off,
Do chromatography.
I think that by tomorrow
I'll have some THC.

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK,
He works all night and he works all day.
He rotovaps, distills it off,
Does chromatography.
We think that by tomorrow
He'll have some LSD.

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I work all night and I sleep all day.
I do my work, I teach a class,
I earn another buck.
There's one girl in my section
I'd surely like to fail.

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK,
He works all night and he sleeps all day.
He does his work, he teaches class,
He earns another buck.
There's one girl in his section
He's never gonna fail.

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
I used up all the ethanol,
I don't know where it went.
Now I can't work for six weeks,
The stockroom's closed for Lent

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He used up all the ethanol,
He don't know where it went.
Now he can't work for six weeks,
He's drying out in Trent.

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I work all night and I sleep all day.
I make bad smells, I produce tar,
I spend the boss' grant.
I tell him I'll make progress,
And work so hard I'll pant.

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK,
He works all night and he sleeps all day.
He makes bad smells, produces tar,
And spends the boss' grant.
He tells him he'll make progress
Although he really can't.

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I sleep all night and I sleep all day.
I work with nasty chemicals,
They really make a stink.
I use the waste containers
And never use the sink.

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK,
He sleeps all night and he sleeps all day.
He works with nasty chemicals
That really make a stink.
To clear a room is easy,
He pours them down the sink.

I'm in chemistry and I'm OK,
I phone all night and I phone all day.
I buy up stocks, invest in bonds,
And sell commodities.
And when the Market's slumping,
I live in poverty!

CHORUS:
He's in chemistry and he's OK,
He phones all night and he phones all day.
He buys up stocks, invests in bonds,
And sells commodities.
And when the Market's slumping,
He does his chemistry!


... Sign on baby's bib:  SPIT HAPPENS.

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HUMOURMsg # 401 of 622                 Date: Tue 29/07/1997,  4:20 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour! WibbLe.

A beautiful, voluptuous women goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes
out the window.  Right away he tells her to undress.  After she has
disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the
woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the women, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor.
He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.  He says to her,
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes.

... Movie sequel:Edwina Scissorhands-starring Lorena Bobbitt

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HUMOURMsg # 402 of 622                 Date: Wed 13/08/1997,  5:35 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 22 times

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Funny! ... you of course.

Mount Pleasant Golf Club

With the admission of lady members to the club, all members are kindly
requested to adhere strictly to the following revised club rules.

1. All lady members are prohibited from meddling with gentlemen's balls
   before the game starts.
2. It will be the responsibility of the gentlemen to constantly check and
   ensure that the holes are kept clean and smooth.
3. Full cooperation from all lady members are desired especially during the
   short and jerking strokes.
4. All partners in a game are urged to finish off together. Should the men
   reach the end first, he must continue his strokes until the lady attains
   full score.
5. In all cases where lay positions are not possible, the players may choose
   to adopt a standing or squatting position.
6. All male players are permitted to adopt any new style they prefer, such
   as starting from behind the hole if the partner agrees.
7. All male members are advised to stay away from any hole which shows signs
   of recent repairs until the red flag is lifted. Those who do not abide by
   this rule may proceed at their own risk.
8. The management of the club cannot be held responsible for damaged holes
   lost balls or broken lung due to improper play.
9. Time of play for various age groups:
   From 20 to 40  It is one in the morning and one at night
        40 to 50  It is now and then or when able
        50 to 60  God knows when
        60 to 70  If he still thinks he is capable, take no notice, he is
                  out of his mind.


-!-


... What do you call an Island full of lesbians, Liquor Land.

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HUMOURMsg # 403 of 622                 Date: Wed 13/08/1997,  5:35 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour... ;-0

                         The Robin

              As I awoke this morning
              When all sweet things are born
              A Robin perched upon my sill
              To greet the coming morn

              He was fragile, sweet, and young
              How sweetly he did sing
              And thoughts of happiness and joy
              Into my head did ring

              I softly smiled at his cheery song
              As I climbed out from my bed
              I gently closed the window
              And crushed his fucking head.


... :.::: ::..: ::.::.  :..:: Tagline in Braille

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HUMOURMsg # 404 of 622                 Date: Wed 13/08/1997,  5:36 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 22 times  [1 Reply]

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Pussy... meow Wink

The creation of a pussy..

     Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
     created a pussy to their design.
     First was a butcher, smart with wit,
     using a knife, he gave it a slit.
     Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
     with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
     Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
     by using red velvet, he lined it within.
     Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
     with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
     Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
     threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
     Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,
     touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
     Last came a sailor, dirty little runt,
     he sucked it and f***ed it and called it a c**t.


... A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

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HUMOURMsg # 405 of 622                 Date: Wed 13/08/1997, 10:26 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: HUMOUR! ... take 3...

                     "Employee Performance Appraisal":

Name:
Title:
Department:
Supervisor:
___________________________________________________________
KNOWLEDGE

[  ]  Bastard really knows his shit
[  ]  Knows most aspects of his job
[  ]  Knows enough to be dangerous
[  ]  Wouldn't know his own name
[  ]  This turkey is brain dead

ACCURACY

[  ]  Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sex
[  ]  Pretty good only occasionally loses it
[  ]  Doesn't give a shit about his output
[  ]  Does shitty work and constantly fucks up
[  ]  Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice

WORK SPEED

[  ]  Fastest bastard I've ever seen
[  ]  Fast when it suits him
[  ]  Fast while being watched
[  ]  Needs his arse kicked every 5 minutes
[  ]  Moves as if in a coma

DEPENDABILITY

[  ]  A very dependable little crawler
[  ]  Usually dependable if not pushed
[  ]  Conscientious if sexual urges satisfied
[  ]  Always the first to leave
[  ]  Completely unreliable in all things

CO-OPERATION

[  ]  Extremely co-operative team member
[  ]  Harmonious little brown nose
[  ]  Co-operative only if coerced
[  ]  Doesn't get on well with others
[  ]  Doesn't give a shit, never has

APPEARANCE

[  ]  Very neat and tidy, even combs his pubic hair
[  ]  Neat and tidy when trying to impress
[  ]  Needs to be introduced to toothpaste and deodorant
[  ]  Sloppy dirty bastard
[  ]  Flies leave fresh dogshit to follow him

PUNCTUALITY

[  ]  So early we wonder if he goes home
[  ]  Usually on time
[  ]  Only late when there's a good reason
[  ]  Late too often without excuse
[  ]  Arrives so late, only half the staff have met him

LEADERSHIP

[  ]  Kicks arse and gets things done
[  ]  Constantly pisses off the troops
[  ]  Sometimes told to get stuffed
[  ]  Only cleaners obey him
[  ]  Couldn't lead a starving dingo to fresh meat
_____________________________________________________________
Evaluation read and understood

Employee signature-------------------------------------

Date----/----/-----



... Confucius Say, "Stop quoting me!"

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HUMOURMsg # 406 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/08/1997,  7:01 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 19 times  [1 Reply]

     To: BLOODSWORD
Subject: Re: Pussy... meow Wink

*ahem!*

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 407 of 622                 Date: Wed 13/08/1997, 10:27 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 24 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :       Lou & Skumo's Helpline     
Subject: DAMN! ... wrong subby! Wink

 Mary had a little lamb,
 Two electrodes and a saw;
 We used to see the lamb a lot,
 But we don't see it any more.
                                 NWT & MA

 Mary had a little lamb,
 She took it to the river;
 She set its paws in concrete,
 And it did more than shiver.
                                 NWT & MA  (Do sheep have PAWS ??? - Ed.)

 Mary had a little lamb,
 A budgie and a frog;
 Then one day she cooked them all,
 And fed them to the dog.
                                 NWT

 Mary had a little lamb,
 She put it on all fours;
 She was looking for the buttons,
 But all she found was pause.
                                 NWT

 Mary had a rubber lamb,
 Six battries and some jelly;
 She read the manual front to back,
 But still prefered the telly.
                                 MA & NWT

 Mary had a little lamb,
 Some rubber gloves and oil;
 She had her wicked way with it,
 And covered him with foil -
 She considered it protection,
 But her fun was soon to spoil -
 She found out she was pregnant,
 She should have used a coil.
                                 NWT & TDS & MA & PAL

 Mary and her little lamb,
 Made friends with Nigel Thorne;
 But it didn't last that long, you see -
 Something about little boys and porn.
                                MKT

 Mary had a little lmab,
 She also couldn't type;
 Some say she rides like Sharon Stone,
 .. But don't believe the hype.
                                MKT

 Mary had a little lamb,
 It was running low on luck;
 Whenever someone sheared it's arse,
 It couldn't give a f**k.
                                MKT

 Mary had a little lamb,
 She found it rather sweet;
 It played all kinds of games with her,
 Then died, abruptly, at her feet.
                                MKT

 Mary had a little lamb
 And now I've had enough
 Of this stupid girl called Mary
 And her wooly bit of fluff..
                                MKT

 Mary had a little lamb,
 Her fleece was white snow;
 Quite how this is origional,
 I really do not know.
                                TDS

 Little lamb had Mary,
 Just for a change.
                                TDS+MKT

 Mary had a little lamb,
 She called it Ronald Clump;
 She used it to help clean herself,
 When she'd had a dump.
                                NWT

 Mary was had by a little lamb,
 It must have seen her comeing.
                                NWT

 Timmy had a little lamb,
 He thought that he was Mary;
 But as he was in the wrong rhyme,
 He thought it quite contrary.
                                TDS & PAL

 Mary had a little lamb,
 So cute it was untrue;
 And so all the other ugly lambs,
 Stuck it down with glue.
                                CJ


... Life is so uncertain... eat dessert first!

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HUMOURMsg # 408 of 622                 Date: Fri 15/08/1997,  8:20 am  [E]
From: AIMEE WINN                 Read: 21 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: blah blah chat joke   2/2


Three married couples, aged 20, 30, and 40 years old, want to join the
Orthodox Church of Sexual Repression.  Near the end of the interview, the
priest informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass
one small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a month.  They
all
agree to try.

A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric.  He
asks
the 40 year old couple how they did.  "Well, it wasn't too hard.  I spent a
lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty of other
things to do.  We did OK." the husband said.

"Very good, my children.  You are welcome in the Church.  And how well did
you manage?", he asked the 30 year old couple.

"It was pretty difficult", the husband answered.  "We thought about it all
the
time.  We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot.  But we were
celibate for the entire month."

"Very good, my children.  You are welcome in the Church.  And how about
you?"
he asked the 20 year old couple.

"Not too good, I'm afraid, Father.  We did OK for the first week.", he said
sheepishly.  "By the second week we were going crazy with lust.  Then one
day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce, and when she
bent over to pick it up, I... I weakened and took her right there."

"I'm sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church"

"Yeah, and we're not too welcome in the A&P anymore, either."

--

splat

antony.steele@johnnos.pl.net
.I.N.S.A.N.i.T.Y..50:150/145@RGSNet..3:770/215.3@FidoNet..98:100/1@INNet..

... You cannot lie to me.  I know everything.
~~~ ReneWave v2.00 [NR]

--- xMail 1.00
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HUMOURMsg # 409 of 622                 Date: Wed 13/08/1997,  1:20 pm  [E]
From: GREG SEARS                 Read: 23 times

     To: ANTONY STEELE           Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: blah blah chat joke

Have you tried to pass this The Official New Zealand Sex Test .......

Directions:  Study each statement carefully.   Then choose the answer
which  seems the most  correct  and  mark  it  with  an  "X"  in  the
appropriate space at the right..... You may begin now.........

                                              TRUE      FALSE

1.   The clitoris is a type of flower         _____      ____
2.   A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.           _____      ____
3.   Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.         _____      ____
4.   Vagina is a medical term used to
        describe a Heart Attack.              _____      ____
5.   A menstrual cycle has three wheels.      _____      ____
6.   A G-string is part of a fiddle.          _____      ____
7.   Semen is a term for sailors.             _____      ____
8.   Anus is a Latin term for yearly.         _____      ____
9.   Testicles are found on an Octopus.       _____      ____
10.  Asphalt describes rectal problems.       _____      ____
11.  KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.  _____      ____
12.  Masturbate is used to catch large fish.  _____      ____
13.  Coitus is a musical instrument.          _____      ____
14.  Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.        _____      ____
15.  An umbilical chord is a parachute part.  _____      ____
16.  A condom is a large apartment complex.   _____      ____
17.  An orgasm is a person who accompanies
        a church choir.                       _____      ____
18.  A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.    _____      ____
19.  A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.    _____      ____
20.  An erection is when Japanese people vote._____      ____
21.  A lesbian is a person from the
         Middle East.                         _____      ____
22.  Sodomy is a special land of fast growing
     grass.                                   _____      ____
23.  Pornography is the business of making
      records.                                _____      ____
24.  Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin._____      ____
25.  Douche is the French word for "twelve".  _____      ____
26.  An enema is someone who is not your
     friend.                                  _____      ____
27.  Ovaries are a French egg dish made with
     cheese.                                  _____      ____
28.  Scrotum is a small planet next to Uranus._____      ____
29.  A VULVA is a car from Sweden.            _____      ____
30.  It is dangerous to dream under an
     electric blanket.                        _____      ____
You may put your pencil down now, it is a pencil you used right!;-)
---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ ... Mistress - something between a mister and a mattress.

 * Origin: On Line Support - Christchurch NZ  (3:770/120)
SEEN-BY: 770/101 115 116 120 155 165 215 220 255 260 320 350 410 540
SEEN-BY: 771/42 100 160 280 290 300 320 370 530 600 1390 1450 1490
SEEN-BY: 771/1560 1650 1710 4020 772/1 20 205 210 380 774/605
 

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HUMOURMsg # 410 of 622                 Date: Sun 17/08/1997,  6:27 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 22 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: Pussy... meow Wink

 Ai> *ahem!*

Hehe...*ahem!* this Wink it'll be cleaner <we all hope>

It is a shabby gay bar in the red light district. Garry walks in and says:
"Gimme a glass of Smirnoff."
   The barman does so and Garry scoffs the lot in one gulp then drops to the
floor in a dead faint.
   The barman appeals to the only two drinkers to help him carry Garry into
a back room where one of the gay drinkers says: "Hey, let's give him a
quickie while he's out."
   They do so and an hour later Garry sits up, scratches his head, says:
"Where am I?", gets his bearings and leaves.
   Next evening Garry comes in at the same time and asks for a glass of
Smirnoff, drinks it in one gulp and drops to the floor again. The same three
carry Garry to the back room and do it again.
   This goes on for a third and fourth night.
   On Friday night Garry comes in and the bartender reaches for the Smirnoff
bottle.
   "No Pete," he says. "I'll have Bacardi tonight, that Smirnoff makes my
bum sore."


... A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

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HUMOURMsg # 411 of 622                 Date: Mon 18/08/1997,  1:09 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 22 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Wanna be an Internet Ge
Subject: CYBERwocKy... >Smile

*          Cyberwocky           *

With Apologies to Lewis Carroll)

'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

``Beware the Internet, my son!
The posts that spam, the speech that's free!
Beware the Netscape cache, and shun
The AOL mail id!''

He took his HP mouse in hand.
Long time a higher bandwidth sought --
And wished had he for his old PC
A faster modem bought.

And, as that wistful thought he gripped,
The Internet, with bait of flame,
Ran applets through the Javascript,
And mailbombed as it came!

The war he waged! As on each page
The HP mouse he double-clicked!
And 'twas absurd, the hype he'd heard
'Bout sites that he had picked.

``And, hast thou surfed the Internet?
Come link my page, my newbie bud!
O Lycos night! Yahoo! Excite!''
He messaged on his MUD.

'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

by Mike ``Hammerwocky'' Hammond


... If it wasn't for C, we'd be using BASI, PASAL & OBOL!

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 412 of 622                 Date: Sun 24/08/1997,  5:44 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 17 times

     To: RASPUTIN + ALL
Subject: Hell ... and sex Wink

A retiring Physics professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate
course in statistical thermodynamics.  Being a bit bored with it all,
and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question
on the sheet: Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer
with a proof.

He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but
decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a
reasonable and consistent reply to his query.  One A was awarded. Most
of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant.  The top student however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some
mass.  If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  So,
at what rate are souls moving into hell and at  what rate are souls
leaving?  I think that we can safely  assume that once a soul gets
to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for
souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist
in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more
than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant. There are two possible conditions.  One, if hell is
expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell,
then the temperature and pressure in hell  will increase exponentially
until all hell breaks loose. Conversely, if hell is expanding at a
rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature
and  pressure will drop until hell freezes over.  We can resolve this
question with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who
lived across the hall from me in first year residence.

Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations
with her, condition two above (Hell freezing over) has not been met,
and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is
exothermic.


... I believe in God even when he is silent.

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HUMOURMsg # 413 of 622                 Date: Tue 26/08/1997,  5:20 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 17 times  [1 Reply]

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Poopies! Wink

                        Here It Is...
                 Roller Poopies - A Classic

Roller Poopies - Rules of Play

1. One or more cats and/or kittens may compete.
2. Poopies used must be good and dry and preferably rounded and small in
   order to roll properly and fit into the various goals.
3. A non-carpeted floor should be used as the playing court.
4. To be played at night, just as owners are about to fall asleep.
5. Object of the game:  250 points to be scored within an 8 hour period of
   time divided into four 1 hour periods of play interchanged with four 1
   hour periods of rest.

Scoring

1. Retrieval of poopies from the litter pan:
     A. Two-paw retrieval.............................2 points
     B. One-paw retrieval.............................5 points
     C. Retrieval of inadequate or mushy poopie.......minus 5 points

2. Dribbling poopies
     A. Non-stop to within 4 feet of litter pan.......3 points
     B. Non-stop across the kitchen floor.............5 points
     C. Non-stop from pan, through kitchen and
          into living room............................7 points
     D. Same as C, done in presence of the owner's
          dinner guests..............................10 points

3. Passing of poopies (in air at least 2 seconds)
     A. One kitty toss in air.........................3 points
     B. Completed forward pass........................5 points
     C. If poopie shatters on impact.................10 points

4. Goals in Roller Poopies
     A. Under stove or refrigerator...................5 points
     B. Under furniture with 1" clearance............10 points
     C. Dead center of food plate....................15 points
     D. Water dish...................................25 points

5. Bonus points
     A. Water dish goals
          1) For every hour before discovery..........5 points
          2) If nearly dissolved upon discovery......10 points
          3) If owner gags when dumping..............15 points

     B. For placing in 3:00 A.M. path to bathroom
          so owner steps on it with bare feet........10 points
        If stepped on with fleshy part of arch.......15 points

     C. Movement of poopies up the stairs
          1) With mouth (never observed)..............5 points
          2) Using paws, 1 step at a time............10 points
          3) On wooden steps between 12:00-6:00 A.M..20 points

     D. Night-time bonus
          1) After lights out.........................5 points
          2) After 2:00 A.M..........................10 points
          3) If owner confiscates it, having another
               one in play within 10 minutes.........15 points


... Agony: Screwing A Meat Mincer!

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HUMOURMsg # 414 of 622                 Date: Tue 26/08/1997,  5:21 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 17 times

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Funny Joke

 There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were
 at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside,
 and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but
 whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed,
 had the coldest igloo.

 They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
 poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air
 and fell onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each
 maintained their igloo was colder still.

 So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
 and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big
 lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the
 first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

 So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!"
 and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved
 one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a
 spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went
 "FFFAAAARRRRTTT!" He won.


... Sorry about the crayon, They won't let me have any sharp objects.

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HUMOURMsg # 415 of 622                 Date: Tue 26/08/1997, 11:00 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 17 times  [1 Reply]

     To: BLOODSWORD
Subject: Re: Poopies! Wink

>4. Goals in Roller Poopies
>     A. Under stove or refrigerator...................5 points
>     B. Under furniture with 1" clearance............10 points
>     C. Dead center of food plate....................15 points
>     D. Water dish...................................25 points

      E. In Owners Shoue..............................30 points
      F. On owners bed...................................35 points
      G. In owners bed...................................40 points
      H. On sleeping owner...............................45 points

(And one must not forget the old time favourite "Tomcat" trick of
watering the 1 bar heater!)

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HUMOURMsg # 416 of 622                 Date: Sun 31/08/1997,  9:24 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 16 times  [1 Reply]

     To: XLNC
Subject: Re: Poopies! Wink

 >4. Goals in Roller Poopies
 >     A. Under stove or refrigerator...................5 points
 >     B. Under furniture with 1" clearance............10 points
 >     C. Dead center of food plate....................15 points
 >     D. Water dish...................................25 points

 Xl> E. In Owners Shoue..............................30 points
 Xl> F. On owners bed...................................35 points
 Xl> G. In owners bed...................................40 points
 Xl> H. On sleeping owner...............................45 points

 Xl> (And one must not forget the old time favourite "Tomcat" trick of
 Xl> watering the 1 bar heater!)

Hawhaw yes.....

I. On Neighbours Doorstep...........................25 points
J. On Neighbours Newspaper..........................20 points
K. On Neighbours Car Bonnet.........................30 points
L. On Neighbour.....................................40 points

... Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

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HUMOURMsg # 417 of 622                 Date: Sun  3/08/1997,  9:20 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 35 times

     To: JOKO                    Fwd From: : Suggestion Box for Board Shitless
Subject: XLN't Suggestionz given to Aim‚e

STRESS RELIEF

           (PRINT THIS OUT THEN PLACE IT ON A HARD SURFACE.)

                              \           /
                               \         /
                                \       /
                                 \     /
                                  \   /
                                   \ /
                                    X
                                   / \
                                  /   \
                                 /     \
                                /       \
                               /         \
                              /           \ 

       Hit X with forehead until you feel better or are unconcious.
                If Stress persists, try a harder surface.

                      ---=== X.L.N.C wuz here ===---

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HUMOURMsg # 418 of 622                 Date: Mon  1/09/1997,  6:27 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 21 times  [1 Reply]

     To: BLOODSWORD
Subject: Re: Poopies! Wink

> >4. Goals in Roller Poopies
> >     A. Under stove or refrigerator...................5 points
> >     B. Under furniture with 1" clearance............10 points
>I. On Neighbours Doorstep...........................25 points
>J. On Neighbours Newspaper..........................20 points
>K. On Neighbours Car Bonnet.........................30 points
>L. On Neighbour.....................................40 points
ETC...


And Of course for Bitzen...
Placement of Kittens
M. On Floor.....................................10 Points
N. On Bed.......................................20 Points
O. On the Table.................................25 Points
P. On the Run..................................100 Points
Reply
#27
HUMOURMsg # 419 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/09/1997,  8:23 am  [E]

From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 20 times

     To: XLNC
Subject: Re: Poopies! Wink

 > >4. Goals in Roller Poopies
 > >     A. Under stove or refrigerator...................5 points
 > >     B. Under furniture with 1" clearance............10 points
 >I. On Neighbours Doorstep...........................25 points
 >J. On Neighbours Newspaper..........................20 points
 >K. On Neighbours Car Bonnet.........................30 points
 >L. On Neighbour.....................................40 points
 Xl> ETC...


 Xl> And Of course for Bitzen...
 Xl> Placement of Kittens
 Xl> M. On Floor.....................................10 Points
 Xl> N. On Bed.......................................20 Points
 Xl> O. On the Table.................................25 Points
 Xl> P. On the Run..................................100 Points

Hehehe...and for my cat...
Placement of deceased murdered animal
Q. On Doorstep..................................10 points
R. Kitchen Floor................................15 points
S. On Living Room Couch.........................20 points
T. On Bedroom Pillow............................40 points

... Don't lend people money it gives them amnesia.

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HUMOURMsg # 420 of 622                 Date: Mon  8/09/1997,  2:01 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Ferget Eet.

Welcome to the psychiatric hot line:

If you are obsessive-compulsive,please press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependent,please ask someone to press 2..

If you have multiple personalities,please press 3,4,5,and 6

If you are paranoid-delusional we know who you are and what you want,
just stay on the line so we can trace your call..

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you what number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press..
no one will answer....


... "There's too many!  I can't shake 'em!"   Ãé´   Ãé´   Ãé´   Ãé´   Ãé´

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HUMOURMsg # 421 of 622                 Date: Tue  9/09/1997,  5:11 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Chinese Religion

OK, just for the record, I'm _not_ hastling Chinese religion. This came up
in the RELI103 lecture, and I thought other people might also find it
amusing...

  Each household in China has its own god - called the Stove God - which
resides inside the stove and watches over the family. This god serves two
purposes:-
  * Firstly, it acts as a protector for the family
  * Secondly, it watches over the family, and, on the New Year, it goes to
the Jade Emperor (the god at the top of the Hierachy of gods) to report on
that family.
  So, just before the New Year, each family puts a cake of sticky rice into
the stove, as an offering to the god - in the hope that when the god meets
the Emperor he will have his mouth so full of sticky rice that he will be
unable to speak, and therefore unable to report any bad deeds...

Smile

___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]

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HUMOURMsg # 422 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/09/1997,  5:15 pm  [E]
From: JOKO                       Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: Im so tough

I'm So Tough.
-------------
I iron my clothes - WHILE I'M STILL WEARING THEM...
-----
I Wear a studded leather jacket - INSIDE OUT!
-----
My mother used to rock me to sleep - WITH REAL ROCKS...
-----
I don't merely come - I ARRIVE!
-----
My ricies don't go snap, crackle and pop - THEY GO "Shhhh, Here he
comes!"
-----
When I'm finished pissing, I don't shake it - I KICK IT!!!
-----
When I'm on a plane and I don't like the movie - I WALK OUT!!
-----

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HUMOURMsg # 423 of 622                 Date: Fri 12/09/1997,  5:50 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 12 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: Somthing to Offend

\K.O... Az im not Politically correct I'd thought I'd share theze with u..

Q: Whats the Differance between a Lada and a Mercedes Benz...
A: Lady Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Lada.

Q: What alcahole did Dianna's driver have?
A: A Harvey Wallbanger followed by 6 chasers!.


(Flame anyone?)

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 424 of 622                 Date: Fri 12/09/1997,  9:10 pm  [E]
From: HALO                       Read: 15 times

     To: XLNC
Subject: Re: Somthing to Offend

>\K.O... Az im not Politically correct I'd thought I'd share theze with u..
>
>Q: Whats the Differance between a Lada and a Mercedes Benz...
>A: Lady Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Lada.
>
>Q: What alcahole did Dianna's driver have?
>A: A Harvey Wallbanger followed by 6 chasers!.

Q:  What's Princess Di getting for Christmas?
A:  The Queen Mother.

:>

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HUMOURMsg # 425 of 622                 Date: Sat 13/09/1997, 12:31 am  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 16 times

     To: XLNC
Subject: Re: Chinese Religion

>>Actually, the other (interesting, slightly related, but not particularly
>>funny) thing is that people are allowed to get rid of gods they don't like
>>and replace them. For example, there is a god who is responsible for lookin
>>after a town or village (like a supernatural sherrif  Smile   If there's a lon
>>period without rain, crops die, whatever, then the village leaders can get 
>>new town god...
>
>I'm Sorry god, but if you supply one more polition like the last lot
>were gonna have to terminate your Omnipreasent contract...

Well, polititians would have the power to terminate gods like the town god,
while some gods would have the power to terminate the polititians - its all
a big hierachy that mixes the mundane and supernatural worlds together...
  Of course, the big exception to the hierachy is the Stove God - he is at
the bottom of the hierachy, but he reports directly to the Jade Emperor at
the top, since he (all of them I guess Smile is supposed to be the Jade
Emperor's brother...

SO.
Aimee = Jade Emperor, aka Grand Poohbah of the BSA.
Bitzen = the Buddha, ranked alongside the Jade Emperor
Rasputin = Confucian official, knower of lore and law Smile (viz the long hair)
Guru = Buddhist monk, performs services and prayers to the gods (viz the
alias)
XLNC = Mandarin, advisor to the (mundane) Emperor (viz the alias)
Zosimos = Stove God, household policeman, reports directly to the Jade
Emperor
Bloodsword = one of the "18 Lords" - they don't fall into the
hierachy, but they're gods who are not too nice...
Joko = a T'u Ti Kung, the supernatural equivalent of a town ruler. Higher
in the hierachy than the Stove God, but can be removed from his position
for failing his duties...

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HUMOURMsg # 426 of 622                 Date: Sun 14/09/1997, 11:26 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Whoooops

I wuz talking to my Mum earlier today...
Advert about some type of oven fried Potatoe thing came on...
All song and Dance....
I made a comment about how they seemed to be excited about
getting Stuck by a Fork

...She agreed with me... But noted that perhaps Dyslexia had struck.

Whoop... I said WHAT??? hehheeh.

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HUMOURMsg # 427 of 622                 Date: Sun 14/09/1997, 12:25 pm  [E]
From: OLIVER LINEHAM             Read: 17 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: : Final Frontier:  Chat :>         
Subject: Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

 Hi All,

The email's been at it again:


  A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first
  prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair,
  April 26. He was attempting to show how
  conditioned we have become to alarmists
  practicing junk science and spreading fear of
  everything in our environment. In his project he
  urged people to sign a petition demanding strict
  control or total elimination of the chemical
  "dihydrogen monoxide."

  And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
  1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting;
  2. it is a major component in acid rain;
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state;
  4. accidental inhalation can kill you;
  5. it contributes to erosion;
  6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes;
  and,
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
  patients.

  He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of
  the chemical.
  Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and
  only one knew that the chemical was water.

Smile

... ->CHAOS<-     (aka Oliver Lineham)

Moderator of NZ_X-FILES and NZ_CONSPIRACY, contact by:
Fido 3:771/300.22     TFNet 170:1701/100.22     Internet chaos@thepentagon.
com
--- timEd 1.10
 * Origin: <*> Point of Mandelbrot - NebuSoft HQ, Wgtn NZ. (3:771/300.22)
SEEN-BY: 771/300
  

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 428 of 622                 Date: Tue 16/09/1997,  9:37 pm  [E]
From: RASPUTIN                   Read: 16 times  [1 Reply]

     To: GURU
Subject: Re: Chinese Religion

>>>XLNC = Mandarin, advisor to the (mundane) Emperor (viz the alias)
>>
>>Advisor to the Mundane... I like it... Suiting...
>
>hehe... oops, I was desperately trying to find titles and positions that
>noone would take offense at (eg. "you get to be the outhouse cleaner..."  Smile
>...  but Mandarin isn't that bad, 'cos you're right up near the top, equal
>with the spiritual Mandarins, and just below the Emperor of China and the
>Jade Emperor...   Smile

My daughter's so tough... she eats mandarins for breakfast! Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 429 of 622                 Date: Wed 17/09/1997, 10:55 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 17 times

     To: RASPUTIN
Subject: Re: Chinese Religion

>>...  but Mandarin isn't that bad, 'cos you're right up near the top, equal
>>with the spiritual Mandarins, and just below the Emperor of China and the
>>Jade Emperor...   Smile
>
>My daughter's so tough... she eats mandarins for breakfast! Smile

hehe... good call!  Smile
Aimee. we have a nomination for a "quote of the month"...

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 430 of 622                 Date: Tue 16/09/1997,  3:08 pm  [E]
From: GREG SEARS                 Read: 17 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: Still happening Funny!

           Title: Good Cause  Date: September 16, 1997

 It  was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that  he
 needed to confess, so went to his priest.

 "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my
 attic."

 "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

 "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

 "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

 "Oh  thank you Father;  that eases my mind.   Er, I  have  one  more
 question..."

 "What is that, my son?"

 "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ Greg.. don't take life too seriously...it's not permanent

 * Origin: On Line Support - Christchurch NZ  (3:770/120)
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HUMOURMsg # 431 of 622                 Date: Sat 20/09/1997, 12:04 am  [E]
From: ANTONY STEELE              Read: 17 times

     To: GREG SEARS              Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: blah chat joke

   A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
 He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from
an
airplane.  The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

   "So, did you jump?" the father asked.

   "Well, let me tell you what happened.  We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.  About a dozen men got
up and just walked out of the plane!"

   "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

   "Um, not yet.  Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."

   "Did you jump then?" asked the father.

   "I'm getting to that.  Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane.  I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.  He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

   "So, did you jump?"

   "Not then.  He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go.  Finally he called over the Jump Master.  The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.  He said
to
me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'  I said, `No, sir.  I'm too scared.'
So
 the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
 I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little
baby
up your ass.'"

   "So, did you jump?" asked the father.

   "Well, a little, at first."

--- xMail 1.00

cya

antony.steele@johnnos.pl.net
... Bite me, it's fun. :>
~~~ ReneWave v2.00 [NR]

--- xMail 1.00
 * Origin: ..I.N.S.A.N.i.T.Y..10pm-4pm..0.3.-.3.1.3.9.3.5.5..  (3:770/215.3)
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HUMOURMsg # 432 of 622                 Date: Sun 28/09/1997, 10:41 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE WINN                 Read: 15 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: blah chat joke

--- xMail 1.00

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give
to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks,
"Can I help you ma'am ?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she
answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the
rod
your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you
all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the
counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.

"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight
tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as
she
passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has
no
idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"

"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the
fish
bait."

--- xMail 1.00

cya!

antony.steele@johnnos.pl.net
... Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining.
~~~ ReneWave v2.00 [NR]

--- xMail 1.00
 * Origin: ..I.N.S.A.N.i.T.Y..10pm-4pm..0.3.-.3.1.3.9.3.5.5..  (3:770/215.3)
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HUMOURMsg # 433 of 622                 Date: Tue 30/09/1997,  3:09 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE WINN                 Read: 16 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: : FidoNet:  Contact World Link     
Subject: blah chat joke

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier
and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for.
The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up
I'm after him down the path. The Post Office have complained to my owners
and
they've agreed to put me down".

All the dogs agree that this is a great shame.

The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. " Every time I see a car I'm
over the fence and chasing after it. It's great fun, the problem is that a
car
I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver.
My owners have decided that I should be put down so that I don't cause any
more accidents".

The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story.
"Well, my owner had just had a bath" he says "she was bending over in the
bedroom drying her legs, and I just couldn't resist it, I climbed aboard and
had my way with her".

"So are you here to be put down as well then?" asked the Poodle.

"No" came the reply, "I'm getting my nails trimmed"

cya

antony.steele@johnnos.pl.net
... Always listen to what experts say can't be done.  Then do it.
~~~ ReneWave v2.00 [NR]

--- xMail 1.00
 * Origin: ..I.N.S.A.N.i.T.Y..10pm-4pm..0.3.-.3.1.3.9.3.5.5..  (3:770/215.3)
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HUMOURMsg # 434 of 622                 Date: Fri  3/10/1997,  1:31 am  [E]
From: PURGE2                     Read: 19 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: : Suggestion Box for Board Shitless
Subject: Re: Aim‚e takes more Sugg

   Date: 22/08/97
   From: RASPUTIN
     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: Aim‚e takes more Sugg

>... or offer to teach us to use the correct lingo?

Okay, here goes:
There are two types of electrickery, one is called positive, the other
negative.  When they meet they go Bang!.
A bang is made out of sparks.
Too much, or the wrong flavour of electrickery releases smoke.
Smoke is what makes chips work, if it's gone, then they're blown.
When working with mains, it's always a good idea to plug an Ammeter across
 Phase & Neutral, to ensure the availability of sufficient current.
Empty light sockets will leak electricity, keep the blown bulb in it.
Gravity ensures there is more power flowing down to the bottom socket of a
 twin mains outlet.
Tinned copper wire makes a cheap alternative to fuses, especially if they
 blow often.
Computers run on digital electrickery.
Electrostatic Discharge is prevented by not touching the pins on a chip.
Faulty wiring or sockets can blow light bulbs.
Turning lights or hard drives off overnight is better than leaving them on.
Battery Current is a measure of its freshness.
Batteries last better kept warm.
A motor cannot do the job of a generator, and vice versa.
Trans Alta's prices aren't half reasonable.
You can power a jug from power off the Telephone lines.
Glass is always a good insulator.
There is a nuclear reactor at Gracefield.
It is easy to convert a radio receiver into a transmitter.
Valves are good.
------------------------
The last half of the list is completely false statements I've had people
tell me. The Valve, Gracefield, and Warm battery pieces of crap I've heard
Untold times (sigh)                 

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HUMOURMsg # 435 of 622                 Date: Tue 14/10/1997,  9:08 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Ok I'll post this one in here! Smile


Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been
married years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each
time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would  ask, and Sue
would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got
Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started
an argument. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to their
problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you guys up flying,  and
if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if one of  you makes one
sound, you pay ten dollars."

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go,  and pulling out of
the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted
defeat and went back the field.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten
dollars!"




--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 436 of 622                 Date: Fri 24/10/1997, 11:29 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: Operating Systems

From the New Zealand Microcomputer Club Newsletter...
(And tweeked by X.L.N.C)  q8)

Operating Systems: Heres what driving to the supermarket would be
like if an operating system ran your car.

[] MS-DOS: You get into the car and try to remember where you put the
   keys. You discover another set you didnt know you had but end up
   driving backwards into the sea.

[] Windows: You get into the car and drive to the supermarket very
   slowly because attached to the back is a Freight Train.

[] Windows 95: Much the same as Windows except this time you forget
   where your keys are again.

[] Mac System 7: You get into the car and the car all by itself,
   drives you to church.

[] Unix: You get into the car and type "GREP SUPERMARKET". After you
   have reached speeds of up to 200 miles an hour, you arrive at the
   barbar shop.

[] Windows NT: You get into the car and write a note that says "Go to
   the supermarket". Then you get out of the car, place the note on
   the dashboard and wait for somthing to happen. But all the car does
   is blow its own horn.

[] Taligent Pink: You walk to the supermarket with Ricardo Montalban,
   who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you there
   in his learjet.

[] OS/2: After fuelling up with 6000 gallons of rocket fuel, you get
   in the car and go to the supermarket with a motorcycle escort.
   Halfway there the car blows up, killing everyone in town.

[] S/36 SPP: You get in the car and drive. Halfway there you run out
   of petrol. While walking the rest of the way you are run over by
   kids on Mopeds.

[] OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and drives you to the
   supermarket. When you get there, you watch everyone else get free
   filet mignon.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 437 of 622                 Date: Thu  6/11/1997,  9:10 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 24 times

     To: RASPUTIN                Fwd From: :            B.S.A  Events!        
Subject: Re: Pinnacles...

>>Keep the tip.. er hang on I may need it to work the clutch
>>
>>Keep the tip said the Lepper to the Hooker    q8)
>
>Hehe, I guess we all know that a tattooed hooker is ... a scenic route

Whats the difference between a porno movie and a Spice Girls video?
...The porno movie has better music.

Hmmm on the subjectof Spice Girls...

Little Johnny and his father are sitting in the lounge watching television
when little Johnny gets up and walks to the kitchen to speak to his mother.
"Mum are the Spice Girls robots?", asks Johnny of his mother.
"No of course not dear!, what made you think that?"
"Well dad and I were just watching them on the telly and he said that he
would'nt mind screwing the arse off the blonde one!"
:>


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HUMOURMsg # 438 of 622                 Date: Wed  5/11/1997,  9:48 am  [E]
From: RASPUTIN                   Read: 24 times

     To: ZOSIMOS                 Fwd From: :  What is there to do in Wellingto
Subject: Re: Surreal & milk for breakfast.

>>>Wax on, Wax Off  q8)
>>
>>Wax goes on, wax comes off. Wax goes on, wax goes off...
>
>Is that Bikini wax by any chance? .....ever hopefull  :>

Yep, here's the instructions from the label...

Instructions: Will require 2 to 4 applications, depending on whether bikini
is 1 or 2 piece. (and size of bikini wearer).

1. If a two-piece bikini, skip to step 2, otherwise, for a one-piece
bikini, wax goes on middle portion of bikini, wax comes off.
You may now continue as for a two-piece bikini.

2. Identify bikini-top from bikini-bottom. One piece will be small, the
other will display two bumps. Which is top & which is bottom depends on
whether bikini wearer is face up or down. If this causes confusion, wait
several years before continuing.

3. Wax goes on bikini-top, wax & bikini-top comes off.
   Ensure wax covers all material, and both sides.

4. Wax goes on bikini-bottom, wax & bikini-bottom come off.
   Ensure wax is rubbed in thoroughly. This may take a while.

5. If sufficient wax remains, and according to taste, then proceed to ensure
former bikini wearer is face up, and reapply wax to lower portion.
Wax goes on, wax comes off. Ensure all wax is thoroughly rubbed off
afterwards, as a thorough job ensures satisfaction. :>


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 439 of 622                 Date: Thu  6/11/1997,  9:33 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 26 times

     To: XLNC                    Fwd From: :     Subconscious Yearnings...    
Subject: Re: California dreamin

>>>I wuz pullin my own leg az there has been a lack of anyone else to do i
>>>4 me    qWink
>
>>....Reminds me of the joke about the princess and the camel :>
>
>Ok I give...

Everyone knows this one...

(short version)
Mad Arab chases his camel all over the desert trying to screw it. Everytime
he gets close it runs off.
He comes across a beautifull Princess buried up to her neck in the sand.
"Please help me" she cries, "my evil father has buried me here to die, I'll
do anything if you'll just set me free"

The Arab sets about digging her free.."anything you say?" he thinks for a
minute...."would you mind holding this damn camel for me!?"

:Zos





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HUMOURMsg # 440 of 622                 Date: Thu  2/05/1996,  4:37 pm  [E]
From: TRACE WARD                 Read: 52 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Chat to Other Boards   
Subject: A little Abort Retry Fail Poem

Abort!.....

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
 spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!  Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insisted
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
>From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will  one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Origin uncertain.
Hope you enjoyed it nonetheless.
Geoff   VK4DU



--- Blue Wave/Max v2.12 [NR]
 * Origin: ET IN ARCADIA EGO (3:775/90)
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HUMOURMsg # 441 of 622                 Date: Tue 18/06/1996, 12:06 pm  [E]
From: TRACE WARD                 Read: 53 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Chat to Other Boards   
Subject: Its true! It happened!

[Recently spotted on rec.humor.funny,  A true story from some helpdesk
in (where else!) Australia]

A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company.
That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the
company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties
systems.  While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming
call, which he took after.  When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back
on the phone, laughing like a crazy person.  This is the call he took:

 Caller:        "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

 Tech Rep:      "Yes, it is.  How may I help you?"

 Caller:        "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
                warranty period.  How do I go about getting that fixed?"

 Tech Rep:      "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

 Caller:        "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

 Tech Rep:      "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
                am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
                trade show?  How did you get this cup holder?  Does it
                have any trademark on it?"

 Caller:        "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
                promotional.  It just has '4X' on it."

 At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it.  The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as
a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.



Trace W Ward * ZL2BS @ ZL2UFW.#46.nzl.oc  * 3:775/90 * tracew@dowle.uu.gen.
nz
P.O. Box 4127, New Plymouth, New Zealand 4630 *  FAX 64 6 7585309


... "If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - B Gates
--- Blue Wave/RA v2.20 [NR]
 * Origin: Midnight Express.  New Plymouth N.Z. (3:775/30)
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HUMOURMsg # 442 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/09/1996,  5:11 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 55 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Chat to Other Boards   
Subject: Letter from a user :>


Dear SysOp;

You have made me so angry by not responding to my telepathic entreaties for
information about this board, that I have concluded that you need some help
in straightening out your procedures for operating this BBS.

First, why are you wasting space on messages to and from users other than
me? Please get your priorities in order.

Second, do you have any files on Martian nose picking techniques? If not I
DEMAND to know why not?  I want to learn how to put booggers into my ANSI
messages.

Third, why do you carry programs on this BBS that require reading the
documentation to use correctly? I dont want to waste my time reading some
old instructions.

Fourth, why do I get a busy signal sometimes when I call this BBS? I always
send you a thought message to let you know that I am about to call so that
you can clear the line for me but you don't seem to have enough courtesy to
log off other users when I call.

Fifth, you have something wrong with your system regarding the color
graphics. I have set my profile to color graphics repeatedly and I still
don't get any color on my monochrome disply.  Please fix it.

Sixth, why don't you like me?



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 443 of 622                 Date: Wed 10/12/1997,  5:11 pm  [E]
From: PURGE                      Read: 16 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Chat to Other Boards   
Subject: Famous Marketing stuff-ups


     FAMOUS PRODUCT NAME ERRORS I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT FIND INTERESTING

Creating an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.
It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multinationals run into trouble
because of language and cultural differences.

For example. Scandinavian vacuum manufacture Electrolux used the following
in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of
signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or
"female horse stuffed with was" depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent,
"ko-kou-ko-le", which can be oosely translated as "happiness in the mouth".

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the
dead".

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger licking good"
came out as "great your fingers off".

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-feeling Free", got
translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so
refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty".

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in south America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it wont go".
After the company figured out why it wasn't selling cars, it renamed the
car in its spanish markets as the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company
found out the pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals".
Ford pried all the name plates off and substituted Corcel, which means
horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to say "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you".
However, the company mistakenly thought that the spanish word "embarazar"
meant embarass. Instead the ads said that it won't leak in your pocket and
make you "pregnant".

An American T'shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I saw the Pope" in
spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I saw the potato".

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the same name as a
notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours.
Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed
its name.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 444 of 622                 Date: Wed 18/06/1997,  9:52 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 42 times

     To: XLNC                    Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Chat to Other Boards   
Subject: XLNC mentioned somthing a

 Xl> Subject: XLNC mentioned somthing about sanity

 >Well...i'm still a newbie.
 >'cos i haven't been commited to the BS sanitarium...yet.

 Xl> Bad news bub... this IS an sanitarium.
 Xl> Welcome to the home for the criminally insane (And home pc user)

Damn...got a joke about this...

A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental
hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat.  He stops
his car, looks outside.  There is nobody around.  Also he realizes that
the road he was riding was near the mental hospital.  In short he
realizes that there is no available cheap labor to change the flat tire.

The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire,
puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire,
trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer.
There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor,
helpless.

Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds that there
is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars).  The
patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and
saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help."

"How?" asks the WASP.  "Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each
of the other three wheels and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are
careful you will make it to the nearest gas station."

"You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, "Why did
they locked you in?"  "They put me in because I am a loonie," the guy
tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I am stupid."


... Slit your wrists--it'll lower your blood pressure.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 445 of 622                 Date: Wed 13/08/1997, 10:25 am  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 34 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Computer Acronyms...

                              Useful Acronyms


PCMCIA  People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN       It Still Does Nothing

APPLE    Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI       System Can't See It

DOS        Defunct Operating System

BASIC     Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM         I Blame Microsoft

DEC        Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM  Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2        Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW      World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH       Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs


... "Pull This" by Iva Hardon & Anita Hanjob.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 446 of 622                 Date: Mon 10/11/1997,  9:43 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 24 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: New Virus's

Computer Viruses That Have Not Yet Been Seen

Telecom Virus 1
Constantly reminds you how it's giving you much better service
than the other viruses.

Adam-and-Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Ansett Virus
You're in Dunedin, but your data is in Gore.

w*nst*n p*t*rs Unix Virus
Whenever you inquire about one of your environment variables, it
shows you the current setting, but then tacks on an alarmist
message concerning the future of the variable.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Jim Bolger Virus 1
This virus mutates from region to region. We're not sure what it
does.

w*nst*n p*t*rs Virus 2
Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending
at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for
a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.

Billy Graham Virus
When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.

Birthday Virus
Keeps advancing your clock by another year.

Bobbit Virus
It turns a 7.5meg hardrive to a 3 1/2 inch floppy drive.

Government Virus 3
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle Virus
Forces your computer to play "PGA Tour" from 10 am to 4 pm, 6 days
a week.

Sparks Virus
Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour
out watt.

Elvis Presley Virus
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self-destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural
America.

Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of the computer.

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup Virus
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14
percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

Jim Bolger Virus 3
Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until December.

George Bush Virus 2
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test... no new files!" on the
screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new
files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus 1.

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Gridlock Virus
Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS,
sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to caucus'. Never
gets any work done.

Health Care Virus
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for
$4,500.

Imelda Marcos Virus
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from
your Quicken Account, and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases
through Prodigy.

Jack Kevorkian Virus 1
Enables irreparably damaged files to delete themselves.

Jack Kevorkian Virus 2
Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

K-Tel Virus
Blanks your screen and begins flashing a 1-800 number.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Nobody can find it.

Joke Virus
Poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names! Is quickly passed
from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming
all known network resources.

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then
in "self-defense."

Left-Wing-Drivel Virus
Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how
the economy is going to get better.

Clear Virus 1
Encourages you to send it to your friends and family.

Telecom Virus 2
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the Clear
Viruses.

Telecom Virus 3
Every three minutes it asks another true/false question.

Michael Jackson Virus
Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This
virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order Virus
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking
about it.

Nike Virus
Just does it!

Oliver North Virus
Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back
to 200MB.

NZ-on-air Virus
Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jenny Shipley Virus
Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

Paul Revere Virus
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending
hard disk attack--once if by LAN, twice if by C.

Spiro Harvey Virus
Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus.Fruck off!"

Politically correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
micro-organism".

Bill-pay Virus
It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the accounts of the
owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the
next 10 items of mail you send.

Richard Nixon Virus
Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always
makes a comeback.

Right-To-Life Virus 1
Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've consider
the alternatives.

Right-To-Life Virus 2
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. It you attemp
to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible
alternatives.

Right-Wing-Hardliner Virus
Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will
get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.

Ronald Reagan Virus
Puts your computer to sleep for eight years. When your computer wakes up,
you're three trillion more dollars in debt.

Ross Perot Virus 1
Runs for awhile, leaves the system, then re-appears, but with less effect.

Ross Perot Virus 2
Same as the Jerry Brown Virus, only nicer fonts are used, and it appears to
have had a lot more money put into its development.

Ross Perot Virus 3
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Warehouse Virus
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of
linen sheets.

Star Trek Virus
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Ted Kennedy Virus
Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner Virus
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

SPUC Virus
Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry,
Fail" message.

Texas Virus
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Tipper Gore Virus
When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating
that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Warren Commission Virus
Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Reply
#28
HUMOURMsg # 447 of 622                 Date: Mon 18/08/1997,  1:09 am  [E]

From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 24 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Wanna be an Internet Ge
Subject: CYBERwocKy... >Smile

*          Cyberwocky           *

With Apologies to Lewis Carroll)

'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

``Beware the Internet, my son!
The posts that spam, the speech that's free!
Beware the Netscape cache, and shun
The AOL mail id!''

He took his HP mouse in hand.
Long time a higher bandwidth sought --
And wished had he for his old PC
A faster modem bought.

And, as that wistful thought he gripped,
The Internet, with bait of flame,
Ran applets through the Javascript,
And mailbombed as it came!

The war he waged! As on each page
The HP mouse he double-clicked!
And 'twas absurd, the hype he'd heard
'Bout sites that he had picked.

``And, hast thou surfed the Internet?
Come link my page, my newbie bud!
O Lycos night! Yahoo! Excite!''
He messaged on his MUD.

'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

by Mike ``Hammerwocky'' Hammond


... If it wasn't for C, we'd be using BASI, PASAL & OBOL!

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 448 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997, 12:53 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Thinking...

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But
we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some
whore he picked up in town.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 449 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997, 12:56 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Thinking...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would
eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle
Caveman was a bear.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction,
we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we
already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver,
and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and give it to him.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 450 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  6:53 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Santa visits in legalese

A Visit From Saint Nicholas in Legalese ...


Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possesors of this potential,
including the species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric appratus pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of Saint Nicholas.

The prepubesent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated friut confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums.

My conjugal partner and I, attired in our noctunal head coverings were
about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the
exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of
dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of
repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source therof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration. Noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected
as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipation, might be said
to rival that of the solar meridian itself. Thus permitting my incredulous
optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyence,
drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer.

Piloted by a miniscule aged chauffer so ebullient and nimble that it became
instantly apparent to me thathe was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vorcified loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of
the octet by his or her respective cognomen: "Now Dasher, now Dancer", et
al..

Guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile
location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant
achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by the
way of the smoke passage.

He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblence to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle. His orbs were scilliant with reflected luminosity, while
his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability.

The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal protuberance were engorged
with blood which suffused in subcutaneous layers, the former approxamating
the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the later that of the Prunus
Avium, or Sweet Cherry.

His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common
loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small
tabular and columnar crystals being.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes,
forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly.

His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful,
his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated
fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

He was, in short, neither more or less than obese, jocund, multi- genarial
gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome
despite every effort to refain from so being.

By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head to
one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the afore-
mentioned hosiery with various of the afore-mentioned articles of
merchandise extracted from his afore-mentioned previously dorsally
transported cloth recepticle.

Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a
singular manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactary organ,
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave- taking, and forthwith
effected his egress by renegotiating, in reverse, the smoke passage.

He propelled himself in short vector onto his conveyence, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
hithro observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed.

But I overheard his parting exclamation, audibly immediatly prior to his
vahiculation beyond the limits of visibility:

"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self-same
assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable preiod between sunset and dawn!"



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 451 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  6:57 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: humour

Engineer...



An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 452 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  7:07 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: PURGE
Subject: Re: Famous Marketing stuff-ups

Hi Purge! heres the other part to your posting :>


More Advertising campaigns that went wrong...



Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhoea."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for
the "manure stick".

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux.

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an
aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead,
the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to
embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant".



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 453 of 622                 Date: Tue 16/12/1997,  5:15 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Smile Ripped From Fido

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple
who he found hanging around under an apple tree.  "I was wondering if either
one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me!  I'd love to
be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please,
oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.  I'd be so great! When I'm
working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be
so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand
and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy
(who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam
really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that
would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given
the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was.  And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.  "What's
left here?  Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

           [ ....................................... ]


 Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day

  10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
   9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
   8. See if they could finally do splits.
   7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
   6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
   5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
   4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
       sleeping first.
   3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded
       on video.
   2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
  and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

   1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!

           [ ....................................... ]


An Italian, the Pope, and a gay guy were on their way to heaven. God
told the Italian that if he ate any more Italian food that he would go
to hell.  He told the Pope that if he took any more charity money he
would go to hell.  Then he told the gay that if he continued to get it
on with guys he would go to hell.
Well one day the Italian was taking a walk and he saw this huge pile of
meatballs.  He picked one up and put it in his mouth and  *poof*! he
went to hell.
A couple days later the Pope and the gay guy were walking together
when the Pope saw a five dollar bill laying on the ground.  He bent over
to pick it up and *poof*!  *poof*! they went to hell.

Think about it...

           [ ....................................... ]

 Santa was having a bad year.  Labor strikes by the elves had put
him way behind schedule, the reindeer were sick, and to top it off
someone had stolen his sleigh and he couldn't get a replacement until
December 31.
 Some angels saw that Santa Claus was in a bad mood, so they
decided to cheer him up.  The angels went out and got the biggest,
bushiest Christmas tree they could find, and off they went to Santa's
house.  They knocked on the door, and when Santa Claus opened the door,
the angels shouted, "Merry Christmas, Santa!  Where would you like your
tree?"
 And this is how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree.

           [ ....................................... ]

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse.

Mom on the toilet,
Dad smoking grass,
I had just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the roof
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece
to see what was the matter.

Out on the roof
I saw some old prick.
I knew in a moment
it must be St. Nick.

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a second
the F**ker had fell.

He filled all the stockings
with whiskey and beer.
And a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney
with a thundering fart.
The son-of-a-bitch
blew my chimney apart!

He swore and he cussed
as he rode out of sight.
"Piss on you all!
It's been one hell of a night!"

ANONYMOUS


... Law of Combat: The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 454 of 622                 Date: Tue 16/12/1997,  5:17 pm  [E]
From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 18 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Sysop Humour/YukkyStuff

A   S Y S O P S   N I G H T   B E F O R E   C H R I S T M A S

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the nodes
        The modems were buzzing from many abodes.
And the new soundcard I'd hid by the chimney with care,
        Had been returned by my spouse who had found it there.

I knew kids had long since been poured in their beds
        While visions of new Apogee games danced in their heads.
My spouse fell asleep in a chair next to me
        The computer was mine, I shouted with glee!

When a ring on Node 1 woke me quick from my throes
        For the name on the logon thrilled me to the toes
Away to the keyboard I tore like a flash
        Fell onto the table - broke a mouse with a crash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
        Shone bright on the ANSI screen from a user we know.
And what to my wondering eyes did I see?
        But one SANTA CLAUS typed so very hesitatingly.

In the NEWUSER script answered "YES" to real name,
        "North Pole" as location, the "XT" was a shame.
He read all the rules and then to the bulletins he went.
        So perfect his logon, I was slow to get bent.

I thought: "Download a file, you ain't got all night!"
        The menus were boring in plain black and white.
But no interest in files this user displayed,
        And I knew that this guy might get an upgrade.

He read all the Main Conference, then paused for a sec
        Made me wonder if the guy worked with a full deck
And then, in a twinkling a message he typed
         When I read it, the tears from my eyes I did wipe.

THANK YOU SYSOP, FOR THE ACCESS - YOU HAVE A GREAT BOARD
        I thought at this time the sub he couldn't afford
HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS, AND A BETTER NEW YEAR
        At least for a lockout he had nothing to fear.

MRS CLAUS SENDS HER BEST AND THE ELVES SEND A GREETING
        Maybe we should invite this guy to our next meeting.
I'LL ONLY CALL ONCE A YEAR, BUT I'LL UPLOAD A FILE!
        Just once a year? How many boards does he dial?

After saving this message, to the RIME conferences he went,
        Joined the WEIGHT conference quickly, and read with intent,
Through COMMON and GLOBAL and PRETEENS he flew
        Even left a few messages to people I knew!

Then upload he did - 'twas some warm Christmas text
        Made me wonder in awe at just what he'd do next
I sprang to the kitchen a poured me a drink
        Stirred it quick with a dirty spoon right from the sink.

Then back to the keyboard, but he'd logged off with a BYE
        No chance for a chat with this SANTA CLAUS guy.
But I heard in the distance as I turned off the light,
        MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!

... That's no moon. This is a moon. <drops pants>

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 455 of 622                 Date: Tue  5/08/1997,  8:33 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 30 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: E-mail clear out.


This stuff showed up in my e-mail today, I thought I'd share
it before I hit the delete key.  Smile



 BUTT TATTOO
~~~~~~~~~~~

If you were thinking of getting tattooed on your butt, here are a few
suggestions:

"EXIT ONLY"

Rabbit tracks on one cheek, leading into the "rabbit hole".
Elmer Fudd with shotgun on other cheek saying "Come outta there,
you cwazy wabbit!"

"The butt stops here."

"Watch out for falling objects."

"NO ENTRY"

"If you can read this you're too close!"

Get the letter "W" tattooed on each butt cheek.  That way, when you
moon someone, it says "WOW".


              --------------------

Stupid Celebrities
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 "Whenever I watch tv and see those poor, starving kids all over the
 world, I can't help but cry. I mean, i would love to be that skinny,
 but not with all those flies and death and death and stuff."
 == Mariah Carey

 Question:" If you could live forever, would you and why?"
 Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
 because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
 forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
 forever."
 == Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe Contest.

 "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
 reactions in the brain as marijauna. The researchers also discovered
 other simularities between the two but can't remember what they are."
 ==Matt Lauer on NBC's today show, Augest 22.

 "I haven't commited a crime, what I did was fail to comply with the
 law."
 == David Dinkins, New York City mayor answering accusations that he
 failed to pay his taxes.

 "Smoking kills. If you are killed, you have lost a very important part
 of your life."
 == Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for an
 anti-smoking campaign.

 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of your body."
 == Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball Foward.

 "Outside the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
 the country.
 == Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

 "Rotarians, be patriotic, learn to shoot yourself."
 == Chicago Rotary Club Journal

 "The streets in Philidelphia are safe. It's only the people who make
 them unsafe."
 == Frank Rizzo ex-police chief and mayor of Philidelphia.

 "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are
 vastly underpoluted."
 ==Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the world bank, explaning why
 we should export toxic waste to Third World countries.

 "The docters x-rayed my head and found nothing."
 == Dizzy Dean explaning how he felt after being hit on the head by a
 ball.

The all time great is this one...

"The confrontation was not created by the police...the confrontation was
created by the people who _charged_ the police. Gentlemen, let's get the
thing straight once and for all...The policeman isn't there to _createdisorder, the policeman is there to _preserve_ disorder!"
----Chicago (Illinois) Mayor Richard Daley commenting on press reports on
the (mis)behavior of the police arresting protesters during the 1968
democratic National Convention.

End Smile

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HUMOURMsg # 456 of 622                 Date: Tue  5/08/1997,  8:36 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 27 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: Shit. <-naughty swear word!

Heck I don't know where it comes from! people just send it to me!

Sorry if this a tad on the tasteless side folks but this is Board Shitless
after all !!      :Zosimos  :>
___________________________________________________________________________

A guy rings work and says "I can`t come in to work today as I`m sick"
The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"
The guy says "Well I`m in bed with my 12 year old son !!"




                              THE SHIT LIST
                              -------------


 THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
but there's no shit in the bowl.


 THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
there's no shit on the toilet paper.


 THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end
up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.


 THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your
knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.


 THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
     Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
     You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
     practically have a stroke.


 THE CORN SHIT
     No explanation necessary.


 THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
     The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
     without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.


 THE NORORIUS DRINKER SHIT
     The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
     It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
     toilet bowl after you flush.


 THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
     The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts
out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.


 THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
     Also known as the "Power Dump".  That's the kind that comes out of
your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
     That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
     splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
     chronically burns your tender poop-chute.


 THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
     A class all its own.


 THE CROWD PLEASER
     This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
     show it to someone before flushing.


 THE MOOD ENHANCER
     This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
     allowing you to be your old self again.


 THE RITUAL
     This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
     the aid of a newspaper.


 THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
     A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.


 THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
     This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
     within the next 7 hours is affected.


 THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
     This is any shit created in the presence of another person.


 THE GROANER
     A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.


 THE FLOATER
     Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
     resurface after many flushings.


 THE RANGER
     A shit which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage in
     a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
     push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.


 THE PHANTOM SHIT
     This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
     putting it there.


 THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
     Now you see it, now you don't.  This shit is playing games with
     you.  Requires patience and muscle control.


 THE BOMBSHELL
     A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
     inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
     are nowhere near shitting facilities.


 THE SNAKE CHARMER
     A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
     position - usually harmless.


 THE OLYMPIC SHIT
     This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to
the Drinker's Shit.


 THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
     This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
     woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.


 THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
     An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
     God when you actually CAN'T shit.


 PREMEDITATED SHIT
     Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.


 SHITZOPHERENIA
     Fear of shitting - can be fatal!


 ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
     Also known as a "Still Going" shit.


 THE POWER DUMP SHIT
     The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
     you're done.


 THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
     This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln
Log Shit.)


 THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
     The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got
to be coming out sideways.


 THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
     Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and
size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains
in the rectum for some time afterwards.


 THE PORRIDGE SHIT
     The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
     have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to
     your butt while you sit there helpless.


 THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
     When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of
your rectum on the way out in the morning.


 THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
     When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles
and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.


 THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
     Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
     anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently
     near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping
     for air.


 THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
     Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

End.  :>


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HUMOURMsg # 457 of 622                 Date: Fri  8/08/1997, 12:50 am  [E]
From: RASPUTIN                   Read: 24 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: Oh the depths that Ras will sink to...

Life is full of choices...

Pregnant   Abort  Retry Ignore

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 458 of 622                 Date: Tue 19/08/1997, 10:36 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 24 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: More..

I know that these should really be in [HUMOUR] but as my feed from Ovi has
dried up for a while, I'll pad the place out with a few jokes  :>

The Sermon
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

One day Mr.  Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his
church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling
asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.  What should I
do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll
be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times.  When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg
with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with
the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.  Again, the minister noticed her
dozing.  "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation,
motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once
again.  "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and
continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the
minister didn't notice.  As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his
wife again.  He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when
the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more
time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 459 of 622                 Date: Tue 19/08/1997, 10:39 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 26 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: and more....

These showed up in my e-mail today, I didn't type them, so I can't be
responsible for the mistakes!  :>   Zosimos.

One sunny morning two young ladies wre riding their bicycles inthe country.
they turned into a little town and the first said:"you know mandy, i've
never come this way before!"
"Neither have I, pant pant,"said mandy. "It must be the cobblestones."

Q: Whats the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?
A: A prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.

Q: Why are politicians like nappies?
A: They should be changed frequently and for the same reason.

About six in the morning the hotel reception desk had a phone call.
" Good mornong, can i help you?" said the receptionist.
"Er
, excuuush me, can you pleeshe tell me when the cocktail bar opensh,"
said a very blurred voice.
"It opens at ten, sir." said the receptionist. "But from the sound of it you
wont be allowed in!
"Allowed in?" said the drunk. "I've been waiting all night to get out."

Q: What's the definition of blonde paint?
A: Not very bright and spreads easily.

A bloke turns up at a fancy dress party wearing nothing but stained boxers.
"What the fuck are you supposed to be ?" says the host.
"I'm Mr Premature Ejaculation."he says
" Interesting," says the host. "But how does that relate to your costume?"
"Easy,"says the bloke. "I've just come in my pants."

Two nudists were sitting on the at their resort discussing politics.
" Have you read Marx?" said one.
" Yes," said the other. " These wicker chairs are terrible."

Young Johnny is in the bathroom having the snot and fried egg washed off his
face by his mother when his dad steps out of the shower.
Johnny points at his dads shrunken willie and laughs
"That thing's pathetic!" he says.
" Don't laugh at that, young Johnny," says his mum. "If it wasn't for that,
"Thats right ," says Johnny. "And if it wasn't for that, neither would you."

There once was a man from Cape Horn.
Who wished he had never been born.
He wouldn't have been.
If his father had seen.
The end of the condom was torn.

A man goes into a bar and asks for a handle of less.
The barman thought it was one of these fancy new boutique beers.
"Sorry, sir." he said. "I'm afraid we don't stock that."
"Pity," said the man. "The doctor told me I gotta start drinking it."

Q:Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman taking a bath?
A:One has hope in her sole.


Q:Why are schizophrenics afraid to shave?
A:They don't trust the bastard with the razor.

Q:How do you know if your giving your man a great head job?
A:The bottom sheet starts to disappear up his arse.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 460 of 622                 Date: Tue 19/08/1997, 10:48 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 27 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: More again... sorry ;>

A Catholic Priest is out having a round of golf.  He's just sizing up an
approach shot when he hears a little squeaky voice say "use a 4 iron, use a
4 iron".  The priest looks around and sees a little frog sitting on the
ground behind him.

Well, he puts his 5 iron back and takes his 4 iron.  And sure enough, it's
a glorious approach shot that takes him right onto the green.  He's lining
up his putt when he hears the squeaky little voice again saying "A little
to the right".  He does as the voice says, and sure enough, he holes the
putt.  He looks around and there's a little frog. So he picks it up and
asks it if it will come with him for the rest of his round.  The frog says
(in it's squeaky little voice) "Sure".

So the priest continues his round with his amphibian consultant and plays
the best round of his life. He's feeling extremely happy and asks the frog
if he can do anything for him.  The frog says (in his squeaky little voice)
"would you mind kissing me?".

The priest thinks it's not much to ask after the great round he'd just had
and is about to kiss the frog on the lips when the frog says "no not there,
between my legs".

The priest thinks this is very strange but thinks no harm can come of it.
He parts the frogs legs and kisses him there.

Suddenly the frog turns into a nine year old boy.

An there, your honour, the defence rests its case.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 461 of 622                 Date: Sun 31/08/1997,  7:56 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 28 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: Work Performance


                     "Employee Performance Appraisal":

Name:
Title:
Department:
Supervisor:
__________________________________________________________KNOWLEDGE

[  ]  Bastard really knows his shit
[  ]  Knows most aspects of his job
[  ]  Knows enough to be dangerous
[  ]  Wouldn't know his own name
[  ]  This turkey is brain dead

ACCURACY

[  ]  Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sex
[  ]  Pretty good only occasionally loses it
[  ]  Doesn't give a shit about his output
[  ]  Does shitty work and constantly fucks up
[  ]  Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice

WORK SPEED

[  ]  Fastest bastard I've ever seen
[  ]  Fast when it suits him
[  ]  Fast while being watched
[  ]  Needs his arse kicked every 5 minutes
[  ]  Moves as if in a coma

DEPENDABILITY

[  ]  A very dependable little crawler
[  ]  Usually dependable if not pushed
[  ]  Conscientious if sexual urges satisfied
[  ]  Always the first to leave
[  ]  Completely unreliable in all things

CO-OPERATION

[  ]  Extremely co-operative team member
[  ]  Harmonious little brown nose
[  ]  Co-operative only if coerced
[  ]  Doesn't get on well with others
[  ]  Doesn't give a shit, never has

APPEARANCE

[  ]  Very neat and tidy, even combs his pubic hair
[  ]  Neat and tidy when trying to impress
[  ]  Needs to be introduced to toothpaste and deodorant
[  ]  Sloppy dirty bastard
[  ]  Flies leave fresh dogshit to follow him

PUNCTUALITY

[  ]  So early we wonder if he goes home
[  ]  Usually on time
[  ]  Only late when there's a good reason
[  ]  Late too often without excuse
[  ]  Arrives so late, only half the staff have met him

LEADERSHIP

[  ]  Kicks arse and gets things done
[  ]  Constantly pisses off the troops
[  ]  Sometimes told to get stuffed
[  ]  Only cleaners obey him
[  ]  Couldn't lead a starving dingo to fresh meat
____________________________________________________________Evaluation read and understood

Employee signature-------------------------------------

Date----/----/-----



... Confucius Say, "Stop quoting me!"
Reply
#29
HUMOURMsg # 462 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/09/1997,  7:35 pm  [E]

From: BLOODSWORD                 Read: 25 times

     To: ZOSIMOS                 Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: Re: Work Performance

 > Zo> "Employee Performance Appraisal":
 >
 >[...snip...]
 >
 >I thought i posted that ages ago Wink
 >

 Zo> Maybe you did! I found it on my h/drive and couldn't remember where it
 Zo> came from!  Wink

Well then i won't claim cwopywight...it wasn't mine in the first place
Wink try this...

        The lounge owner had just about given up finding a new pianist when
the final applicant arrived.  They talked for a few moments, at which point
the owner asked the applicant to play a few numbers.  The applicant obliged,
starting with the most beautiful tune the owner had ever heard.  The owner
asked him the title of the piece, to which the applicant replied, "I call it
'Rubbers are a man's best friend'."  The owner was shocked, but asked the man
to play another.  The man did, and the tune was even more breathtaking than
the one before.  Again the owner asked the man, "What do you call that one?"
The pianist replied, "I call it 'Put your balls in her mouth and whistle a
happy tune'."  The owner was floored by the title, and offered the man the
job, if he promised not to tell the clientelle the titles of his songs.  The
hard-luck pianist agreed.

        Nearly a week later, the pianist was coming back from a bathroom brea
when a patron noticed that his fly was open.  Being a good samaritan, the
patron rushed over to the pianist, in an attempt to spare him from certain
humiliation.  He asked the pianist, "Do you know your fly is open and your
dong is hanging out?", to which the pianist replied, "Know it?  Man, I wrote
it!"


... Insanity is hereditary, It's caused by KIDS!

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 463 of 622                 Date: Mon 22/09/1997,  7:16 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 24 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: Prepare to be mildly amused Big Grin


A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration,
he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : Romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties
for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note.


"I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short
ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked really
smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no
doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance
to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.   All my love.


PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 464 of 622                 Date: Mon 29/09/1997, 10:15 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 23 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: Ass icons

We all know the usual smilies or "emoticons" :> Smile etc etc, well I have
compiled my own list of ass smilies to go along with them.

(_!_)    a regular ass

(__!__)  a fat ass

(!)      a tight ass

(_._)    a flat ass

(_*_)    a sore ass

(_^_)    a bubble ass

(_!__)   a lop-sided ass

{_!_}    a swishy ass

(_o_)    an ass thats been around

(_O_)    an ass thats been around even more

(_x_)    kiss my ass

(_X_)    leave my ass alone

(_zzz_)  a tired ass

(_o^o_)  a wise ass

(_13_)   unlucky ass

(_$_)    money coming out of his ass

(_?_)    Dumb ass

So which one do you have?




--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 465 of 622                 Date: Tue 30/09/1997, 11:06 am  [E]
From: KAJ                        Read: 24 times

     To: XLNC                    Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: Ass icons

-=> Xlnc eloquently splurted something about Ass icons to Zosimos <=-

 >We all know the usual smilies or "emoticons" :> Smile etc etc, well I have
 >complied my own list of ass smilies to go along with them.
 >So which one do you have?

 Xl> BUTT    Texas  (Text Ass)

 Xl> Im into DisASSters myself.

 Xl> Y do U ASSk?

 Well, since you're doing it, I'll tell you a little story.

 There was this competition in the states, where people would send in
 puns, and some judge would award the prize to the pun he thought was
 the funniest. So this guy decides he'll improve his chances by entering
 ten puns, hoping one of them would win. But no pun in ten did.

... "Bother," said Pooh as the steel trap closed on his leg
--- Tag-O-Matic V.10

___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.20 [NR]

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 466 of 622                 Date: Wed  1/10/1997,  6:59 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 26 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    Weird occurrences from Zosimos
Subject: Rasputin ;>


One day a local chicken farmer decided to go into the markets to buy a
Rooster to service his chickens. As he could only afford one Rooster he
was determined to find the very best available so that it was strong and fit
enough to service all 800 chickens.

After looking long and hard he came across a man that claimed to have a
Rooster that was not only fit enough to perform the task but it could also
talk! The Rooster's name was Rasputin, a little on the gangly side but
never-the-less he appeared to be up to the task.

The farmer purchased Rasputin the Rooster and set off back to his farm on
foot. All along the way he talked to Rasputin, but He would not answer the
farmer.
Finally he arrived home and he gave Rasputin a bit of a pep-talk before
setting him amongst the hens.
"Now Rasputin, you have 800 beautifull young hens to have your way with,
but take your time, you have all month, and we dont want you to wear
yourself out or kill yourself from over-work"

The farmer placed Rasputin in the main hen house and no sooner had little
Ras's legs hit the ground he was off and into the first hen.
Then another, and another, and still another. Feathers flew everywhere as
the horney little Rooster went about his job.
Before long all of the 800 Hens had been serviced but Ras didn't stop there!
He raced out into the farm-yard and serviced the Sheep, then the Cows and
all the geese as well!, then he rushed off into the paddocks and started on
the horses.

The farmer couldn't convince Rasputin to stop, and he finally had to give up
and retire for the evening, leaving Rasputin to his work. "You'll kill
yourself at this rate little Rooster" He said as he departed .

Sure enough when the Farmer woke in the morning, Little Ras was lying in the
middle of the farmyard, his feet in the air and over head a buzzard circled
slowly.
"Oh poor little Ras" cried the Farmer, "I told you you'd kill yourself, why
couldn't you just slow down?"

"Sssshhh" wispered Rasputin, pointing to the buzzard "I think he's allmost
fallen for it!"  ;>

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HUMOURMsg # 467 of 622                 Date: Sat 27/12/1997,  1:52 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE WINN                 Read: 39 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :IMPORTANT information about the BB
Subject:     The Best of the Santa Chats :>

===========================================================================
MIDUS
===========================================================================
Santa: Midus! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Midus: i am alone!
Santa: Then it's just you and I, and Ms Claus taking notes.
Santa: What's on your wish list this year?
Midus: nothing
Santa: Tell Santa about it.
Midus: i want my front door and SHITLINK TO WORK!!
Santa: If you want to give Santa Claus shit I'll return the favor.
Midus: ok piss of
Santa: Glad to see we agree on that.
Midus: bye

===========================================================================
GOLLUM
===========================================================================
Santa: Gollum! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Gollum: gidday Santa, long time no see...must be about 365 days since our
Gollum: last chat eh ? 8-)
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Gollum: Can you give me a Spice Girl for christmas ? 8-)
SANTA terminated normally at 22:48

===========================================================================
ZOSIMOS
===========================================================================
Santa: Zosimos! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Zosimos: Hi Santa!  Long time no see Smile Hows it hanging?
Santa: The gift of laughter. <g>
Zosimos: Yeah....well...Gosh is that the time!? Umm hows that cute little
Zosimos: elf
Santa: This bunch are the hardest workers I've ever had.
Santa: Just as busy as... well, as elves. Smile
Zosimos: That cute little number down in wrapping is one fine specimen!
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Zosimos: She really blows my trumpet!
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Zosimos: man are you gay or something? She's a babe!
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Zosimos: Somehow I have a feeling we'll go through this again real soon!:>
SANTA terminated normally at 14:30

===========================================================================
ZOSIMOS
===========================================================================
Santa: Zosimos! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Zosimos: Santa you old Bastard!! Wheres me bike!!!
Santa: Everyone is asking for that this year.
Santa: We're so hard-pressed to meet the demand we're getting them from
Santa: all over the world.
Zosimos: Hhhmmmmm OK then what about a `TURBO-MAN' action figure with five
Zosimos: different voice commands and the optional Turbo-blast ™ retro
Zosimos: pack! ?
Santa: Another try with other words might produce the result you want.
Zosimos: Look you old git! Just gimme the damned doll OK! Or else the elves
Zosimos: get it!! This is your last warning!   No `TURBO_MAN' ™ no
Zosimos: elves! No Christmas!!
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Zosimos: Too bloody right you wont!! You fat old git!  Piss off!!
SANTA terminated normally at 15:11

===========================================================================
RASPUTIN
===========================================================================
Santa: Rasputin! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Rasputin: no, I have my modem with me
Santa: The gift of laughter. <g>
Rasputin: Yeah, and the gift of money, which is much better!
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Rasputin: Smacks of Police state surveillance. I know what i want for xmas
Santa: Tell me more.
Rasputin: I want your naughty girls list, do you keep one?
SANTA terminated normally at 17:33

===========================================================================
XLNC
===========================================================================
Santa: Xlnc! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Xlnc: well that happens this time of the year
Santa: The gift of laughter. <g>
Xlnc: well shucks
Santa: We're still ready to write your wish list.
Xlnc: get a porche ready 4 me
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Xlnc: whats the capital of North Decota
Santa: Tell Santa about it.
Xlnc: good try
SANTA terminated normally at 22:11

===========================================================================
GURU
===========================================================================
Santa: Guru! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Guru: You're blind as a bat, you ole codger
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Guru: OK. Basically what I'm saying is that you're a silly ole pratt who
Guru: dosen't exist. Comprendez monseiur? (pardon the froggish)
Santa: Glad to see we agree on that.
Guru: My thoughts exactly
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Guru: Heh, pardonez moi, mais vous est un pilloc. Comprendez?
Santa: Glad you appreciate Santa.
Guru: ^^^ Slight hint of sarcasm?
Santa: I KNOW you. We've talked before. I've been to your house!
Guru: Uh huh... I'm sure you have, peeving pervert  Smile
Santa: The gift of laughter. <g>
Guru: The gift of fish   <><
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Guru: I should hope not. Don't forget to diet...
Santa: No? Are you holding something back, like a name or description?
Guru: Nope, just got over that bout of constopation. Nothing is held back
Guru: with dihorhea...
SANTA terminated normally at 17:52

===========================================================================
RYAN
===========================================================================
Santa: Ryan! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Ryan: yes i am
Santa: You have the spirit of Santa with you.
Ryan: o yes hohohohohohohohohoohohohoh
Santa: We see things the same way. Smile
Ryan: cool
Santa: Ho Ho! Thank you. You're pretty cool yourself.
Ryan: yes i am what do you want for christmas
Santa: You're singing my song when you say that.
Ryan: bye
SANTA terminated normally at 19:55

===========================================================================
HARDY
===========================================================================
Santa: Hardy! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Hardy: 2 bloody right santa ya fucken cunt where me bloody bike?
Santa: We're well-stocked with good ones. Some we make here
Santa: and some come from exotic places no one but Santa has ever heard of.
Hardy: Yeah thats what all the santas bloody say Wink.
Santa: We see things the same way. Smile
Hardy: what about a shitlink nodelist? Wink.
Santa: If shit is what you want from Santa, shit is what you'll get.
Hardy: yeah all over you though
Santa: You have the spirit of Santa with you.
Hardy: bye
SANTA terminated normally at 23:05

===========================================================================
GURU
===========================================================================
Santa: Guru! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Guru: Argh! Not you again
Santa: No? Are you holding something back, like a name or description?
Guru: Yup. Fat git is about right
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Guru: Cya
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Guru: Bugger off
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Guru: **** you, you lump of ****
Santa: I nearly got that. Try another sentence construction.
Guru: You are a cancerous pollop on the anus of humanity
Santa: Ah, human is the very essence of Santa. I make mistakes, too.
Guru: No kidding. I wanted a GI JOE, not a barbie
SANTA terminated normally at 08:51

===========================================================================
MIDUS
===========================================================================
Santa: Midus! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Midus: fuck off!!!
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Midus: shit
Santa: The elves will probably tie a bow on that. Even shit can
Santa: be improved with a ribbon and bow.
Midus: shut up!
Santa: I nearly got that. Try another sentence construction.
Midus: bye
SANTA terminated normally at 10:46

===========================================================================
XLNC
===========================================================================
Santa: Xlnc! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Xlnc: eat me
Santa: I stay around a wee bit longer when I find a plate of chocolate chip
Santa: cookies waiting for me. I don't drink milk.
Santa: It's bad for Santa's digestion.
Xlnc: I'll leave out an Arcinic laced brownie for you
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Xlnc: I think mrs Claws wants you really badly for 1 Xmas nite
Santa: Earlier today Eliza finished the inventory of the wrapping paper and
Santa: ribbon. What brings you here this evening?
Xlnc: my legs
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Xlnc: What part of "My Legs" dont you understand grandpa
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Xlnc: forget this you old fat freak in red lethers
Santa: I don't fit in a chimney! People made it up that I come down
Santa: chimneys because I get inside your house even if all the doors and
Santa: windows are locked. I have a secret way to get in and out.
Santa: It doesn't matter if you have a chimney or not. I don't use it and
Santa: never have. But don't ask how I get in. That I'll never reveal.
Xlnc: How do you get in
SANTA terminated normally at 23:19

===========================================================================
CRAN
===========================================================================
Santa: Cran! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Cran: yeah have all the kids here
Santa: Is there a future for Santa as a stand-up comic?
Cran: perhaps
Santa: Perhaps for sure... or only a little? Smile
Cran:  always
Santa: Always is a long, long time. Like love. That's always to me.
Cran: so what did you get for christmas
Santa: You put a twinkle in my eye with that, a quiet 'keep a secret'
Santa: kind of twinkle. Smile
Cran: santa is not too good at the typing eh?
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
Cran: so what are you doing today now that the rush is over
Santa: Tell me more.
Cran: how is the wife
Santa: Eliza? She's fine. She's outside shoveling snow off the front walk.
Santa: What brings you here this morning?
Cran: ho come mrs claus is shoveling snow
Santa: Earlier today Eliza finished the inventory of the wrapping paper and
Santa: ribbon. What brings you here this morning?
Cran: hey santa got to go now!



:>

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 468 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997, 12:58 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 25 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Chat to Other Boards   
Subject: Thinking.....

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having
sex.


--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 469 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  1:00 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 23 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  Chat to Other Boards   
Subject: Thinking...

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's
okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on,
life is funny.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would
be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 470 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  1:29 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 22 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Thinking

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come
to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then
the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or
something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the
moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 471 of 622                 Date: Mon  2/02/1998,  2:32 am  [E]
From: RASPUTIN                   Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Hangover tips

                HANGOVER SURVIVAL GUIDE
                ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ
    Ten simple DONT's to get you through the morning after.

DON'T plan to do something - such as buying breakfast - that involves
 spending money. You have no money left (neither shops nor banks will
 accept jordanian dinar.)

DON'T wrap you arm around the body in the bed. It is not Sharon Stone,
it is a horse's head planted by your Mafioso boss, or it isd a
scottish oil rig worker who doesn't know how he got there either.

DON'T wet-shave without first locating your nose. This is the
jutting-out thing in the middle of your face, and if you are not
careful, you will slice the top off it.

DON'T dial the six-figure number written on the back of your hand. It
is the amount of cash you owe your best mate, who won it from you in a
long-distance pissing contest. The same person is now the legal owner
of your motorbike.

DON'T put your shoes on without first looking inside them. They will
each contain half a kebab.

DON'T go downstairs for a smoke, particularly if you are a non-smoker.
Although you will find at least three lighters in your pockets, you
have no cigartettes. (However a bummed cigarette can get you through
small but necessary tasks such as phoning your boss and putting on a
funny voice to convince him you've caught that 'flu bug that's been
going around. DON'T bother going into detail - he knows you're lying.)

DON'T go searching for things in the places they are usually found.
Your keys are in the fridge, your car is in the swimming pool, your
clothes are in the microwave, breakfast is in the washing machine. And
anyway, this is not your house.

If the room appears to be rocking and you feel sick in the stomach,
DON'T rush out of the door before establishing where you are. You
might be on a boat.

DON'T look in the bathroom. If you need to wash or use the toilet, go
next door or to a public convenience. You know it makes sense.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 472 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/12/1997,  1:08 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All                     Fwd From:                                    
Subject: Thinking...

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night,
with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no
civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then
I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this
highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the
window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because
I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 473 of 622                 Date: Thu  5/02/1998,  6:20 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: SPJ

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls

















The Spice girls!!!  :>

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 474 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/02/1998,  7:05 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: List of Farts :>

SILENT BUT DEADLY (SBD) FART
: The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the
occupants of a room to collapse.

EGGY FART
: Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful
odour which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of
a Bunbuster.

WINDY FART
: The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A
little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

GROWLING FART
: Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow
never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

WORRYING FART
: The kind which seems to be a Fart right up to the point at which you
release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid
for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next
possible opportunity.

PRELUDE TO A POOPIE
: You feel like you have got a large Beefy one, but out comes a tiny
squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks
fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

COMPOST FART
: You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the
garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost
fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

BEEFY ONE
: Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like the
rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dogturd.

PRESENT (a.k.a 'TIME I WASN'T HERE' FART):
: The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a
housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't
in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting
of course, you're screwed.

SQUEAKY FART
: Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.

BUNBUSTER FART
: 'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much
more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole
smarting. You really feel these babies.

TROUSER RIPPING SPECIAL
: Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This
fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone
sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

ESCAPE POD FART
: You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as
possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as
discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30
seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough
and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

BREWER FART
: You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly
lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some
form of gaseous landmark.

SPHINCTAL NAPALM
: Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry
about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.

STALKER FART
: Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save
people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back
into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you
are duly criticised for poor manners.

BURBLE FART
: Bubbly!

ON THE SPOT FART
: You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.

NOT NOW! (a.k.a ANAL CONTROL FART):
: You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due
to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on
other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard
that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to
subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sod's Law tends to win
out in the end.

HYDRATED FLATULATION (a.k.a WET FART):
: The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a
cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little
bugger, but you feel right at home with it.

GNL FART:
: Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay
where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...

GNL II FART:
: You take a gamble that it's going to be a small quiet odor free fart, but
it's actually more like an explosion and there is no doubt that you are the
stinker.

UNDERWATER FART:
: Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a
nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced
windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to
set light to them.

GUNSHOT FART:
: Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot.  They are exceedingly rare. In
fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist.
One report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my
own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep
beside me at the time.  She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named."
A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their
existance.

TANDEM FART:
: Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be
recorded.  They are so named since they are the only fart that is
detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is
being pedaled.  A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and
the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart must be extremely
strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely
disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but
they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.

MOTORCYCLE FART:
: This kind of goes along with the tandem fart. When someone is riding on
the back of your motorcycle and you fart, they can usually smell them if
they're especially potent.

STOLEN FART:
: Someone else lets it, but it's so good that you claim it.

THE DOG FART:
: You let a fart so big, that you have to blame it on the dog.

THE TWIST-OF-FATE DOG FART:
: The dog lets a fart so big that everyone blames it on you! Somehow 'The
dog did it' just doesn't cut the mustard.

SILENT BUT VIOLENT FART:
: This type of fart is not heard, but will cause facial hair to
disintegrate, nasal passages to blister from the burn, eyes to water, and
nausea.

BLIND DATE FART (a.k.a On the spot Fart):
: Happens while you are on a blind date or meeting new people. While
getting to know each other, looking your best, and putting your best face
forward -BRRAAMP- You pray that it wasn't heard, and try to play it off
while others look uncomfortable.

SHOW OFF FART:
: A fart that you purposly give off to show what a loud smelly one you can
make.

BARKING SPIDER FART:
: A non-smelling fart which occurs in a crowded place. The farter cannot be
identified and the sound is therefore blamed on a 'Barking Spider'.

CRACKER JACK FART:
: Just like the well known caramel-covered chocolate treat, the cracker
jack fart comes with a surprise in it --and off you go to the bathroom
walking funny and hoping they are not out of toilet paper.

THE BOWL FART:
: While squatting on the bowl, anticipating the arival of a brown trout
your gut blazes a trail for it by blowing a massive blast. The deep dish
and hollow bowl allow for a nice reverb effect.

LONELY FART:
: This is the type you do when you're on your own, so you don't care about
the smell or the noise. Usually provoked.

LOUD AND DEADLY FART:
: Like the silent but deadly fart -except it is heard by everyone, and it
will cause people to faint.

FLUTTERBUSTER FART:
: Farting whilst seated on a vinyl covered surface.

MORNING FART:
: The first thing out of bed fart. Long, loud, and not too smelly.

WALKING FART:
: The kind that makes a little sound every time you take a step.

SHOWER FART:
: That unwanted fart that occurs right after you walk out of the shower
feeling fresh and nice. These usually leave a warm sensation to be
cherished.

ONE CHEEK SNEAK FART:
: This fart happens when you put your weight on one butt cheek and lift the
other up. This is totally silent but often have disasterous results about
two minutes later -everyone faints in that room.

SILENT....BUT EGGY FART:
: The kind of fart you do when you're with a crowd. It is silent, but mings
like a rotten egg.

ASS BLASTER FART:
: Like an M80 exploding in your ass.

 TIMEX FART:
: Very rare fart, lasting at least 10 minutes -if not longer. A variation
on the theme, the Acuse Fart is roughly the same but smells worse, and so
you get the blame.

 MARIOS JUMP FART:
: Named after the famous and acclaimed Mario Jump, which, well, ..you
know... sounds like Mario's Jump -TOUUNG. Rather Quiet.

BANANA FART:
: A roughly silent fart that squeaks out an oderous gas that smells like a
rotten smelly old banana. (See COMPOST FART).

BANANANA FART:
: As above, but longer.....

GOBBLE FART:
: Sounds like a turkey gobbling....

THE INTERROGATIVE FART:
: Starts out low, and rises in pitch towards its conclusion. Sounds like
your ass is asking a question.

COMPUTER FART:
: The kind where you are playing on the computer, and it just slips out.

CHURCH HYMN FART:
: The kind where you're siting in church, you bend over to pick up a hymn
book,  and -PBBBBBBT!!!- a giant fart rips out. Fate dictates that you are
sitting next to an old lady, who will scoot down the bench, looking
disgusted.
 SIDE NOTE: Confucious say, Man Who Fart In Church, Sit In Own Pew.

DIFFICULT TO LET OUT FART:
: In company you feel the strong urge to fart, but people are around you,
so you squeeze your asshole to stop an explosion -preferring to slowly open
and squeeze the hole in quick succession, to let the gas escape silently.

PUMPKIN FART
: A warm, dry, fart that smells like an old Jack-O-Lantern. An aroma
pleasing to the creator, but one which will clear a large room.

THE ATOM BOMB FART:
: The atom bomb fart is loud as heck, and it smells bad too. Also results
in a big explosion, and everyone falls to the ground.

FLAPPING FLUTTER FART:
: This one's an earthshaker, but not too deadly on the odour side. It's
distinguished by its long and loud flutter sound, and its marked vibrations
are felt by all who are on the same bed or sofa.

FLORAL FLATULANTS:
: These olfactic confections are typically generated when on vacation in
tropical destinations.  They are formed from the vacationer's new diet of
wild fruit drinks, coconut oils, and various local foods.  They are very
unique, and to the expulsion expert they are among the most pleasant
scented.  Some have often tried to bottle this scent, but it cannot be
captured!

REALLY GOOD FAKE FART:
: Someone makes a noise that sounds like a fart and blames it on you or
someone else.

ALCOHOL FUNNY CAR FART:
: Right after you have a bunch of alchohol, you let one loose.

UNKNOWN FART:
: The kind where you don't know who did it -but it has a rotten smell.

THE NEVER ENDING FART:
: This is the fart that doesn't end... Yes it goes on and on my friends...
George S. started it, not knowing what it was. And he'll continue
farting it, forever just because.. (repeat as many times as you can)

EXPLODING MOUSE FART:
: While trying to hold it in, some gas gets out making a squeak noise, and
since relieving yourself a little bit felt so good, you let the rest out in
a huge BRAP! Resulting in the exploding mouse effect...

HERSHEY SQUIRT:
: Feels like a silent burst of air but suprisingly you have a scrumptiously,
gooey, squirty suprise.

TOOT-UNCOMMON:
: This fart is one that happens when you are asleep and therefore not in
control. Like the mummy of the famous Egyptian ruler, you lie still while
it rips out.  The sound may not awaken you, but the smell surely will,
particularly after a nite at the pub.  Egyptian theme can be carried
further if you trap your partner under the covers and cause him/her to
share in the experience, much like the burial of an egyptian queen in the
same tomb.

FAMILY STYLE FART:
: Sounds homemade (not like mothers cooking) Is a loud 'pppppuuuuuuufffff'
And a explosion like no other.

TIMID FART:
: Short, sweet, petite, not much odor, and not much air.

THE PHISH FART:
: When this bad biscuit erupts it has a catch of the day scent. I got a big
one!

BURP 'N' FART:
: It's when you burp  and fart at the same time  -but it  dosn't  happen
often.

LAUGHING FART:
: When you are laughing so hard at something you fart, and you can't deny
it cause everyone heard it and you might as well admit your guilt!

IT'S STUCK!! FART:
: Usually a timid fart (not much air) and while your sitting down, but when
you let it out, it sticks between the cheeks as a tiny air bubble.  And no
matter how hard you try, you just can't pop the sucker out, no matter how
hard you squeeze.

HAD TO S*** BUT ONLY FARTED FART:
: You run to the bathroom with the urge to purge and you let her rip, only
to find that you had a huge fart.  If other people are in the bathroom
(public restroom you sicko's) you are really embarrassed.

GLAD IT WASN'T MINE FART:
: SO nasty in smell, odor, and sound, that you have to thank God it it
didn't come from your behind!

THE SYNCRONIOUS FART:
: More than one person farts in sync. Sounds neat sometimes.

DELAYED REACTION FART:
: You have the urge, but it goes away. You go on about your business and a
few seconds, or longer, later, 'BBRRMMPHH'....

HORROR MOVIE SCARE FART:
: You're watching your favorite horror movie, or a new one, and by either
suspense or fright, you let one rip!

FOGGY WINDOW FART:
: You're sitting in the car at night or early in the morning, and after some
time of getting the windows defogged, someone has to fart and fog the
windows back up.

THE SMALL FART:
: It's the kind of fart where you just hear a 'beep'.

INDEPENDANCE DAY FART:
: Such an explosive whopper that it sends everyone screaming out of the
city centre.

NONCHALENT FART:
: This fart is normally associated with the elderly. The fart is very
audible yet the farter just continues with whatever activity or
conversation he or she happened to be engaged in as if it had never
happened. It makes you wonder if they actually realized they did it.

BUTT ROCKET FART:
: This scary but predictable fart is provoked by eating large quantities of
fast food at one sitting. It doesn't make any appreciable noise until it is
just about through. It is similar to the worrying fart inasmuch as the
necessity to check your shorts for a stain is imminent. The smell is
similar to that of a small child you just picked up and discovered that
they poo pood in their pants an hour or two earlier.

HAYFEVER FART:
: Basically, you fart at the same time you sneeze.

MIGRATING FART:
: This fart sneaks out of your butt and remains there feeling about the
size of a walnut or small tomato. It is when you sit up in a more erect
posture that you feel it inch it's way upward between the crack of your ass
until the crack stops. The fart then apparently dissipates somewhere behind
your back or perhaps inside your shirt.

MK47-FART:
: Strangely enough, sounds like someone shoved an MK47 up your ass. Let it
rip, 'cos it goes on for a while.

TENSION BREAKER FART:
: Usually during a test or some stressful meeting where everyone is
concentrating, and someone in the room lets a fart that, rather than making
people gag, makes everyone laugh.  Then of course, if it was at school,
people start imitating it.

POLITE FART:
: You feel the urge and excuse yourself to the other room where you politely
let her rip.

PIGGYBACK FART:
: Only occurs in those situations where it would be a 'personal disaster'
to fart (e.g. crowded room, business meeting). You are holding onto this
bad boy for dear life when suddenly someone else drops a LOUD one. Before
the noise of this one has finished you let rip a fast a possible so both
farts sound as one. This is easy if you are near the other person, if not
then start talking loudly about the amazing echos in the room.

POINT BLANK FART:
: A point blank fart is a prank done on a unsuspecting victim by pointing
your anus toward the victim's face.  This is successfully accomplished when
the victim is sleeping or watching tv. Likely victims are siblings,
spouses, and in-laws.

STEALTH FART:
: A stealth fart is similar to the point blank fart but uses the
silent-but-deadly fart. Very effective when your bored at a party.  Just
when your ready to release your SBD, you would walk toward a group of
guests and then release your payload and slowly walk away.  Then the guests
won't know what hit them when your payload reaches equilibrium.

BUBBLE BOBBLE FART:
: This type of fart occurs while one is sitting.  As one sits down, a
gaseous bubble fart pokes out just a little bit under ones butt to cause a
rocking sensation, as if one is sitting on a beach ball.

PRORR-WOOORT FART:
: That's the nice, long, modulated sound it makes... Best achieved with
pants down!

BUBBLE-O-BILL FART:
: In the shower, cup your hands around your trouser trumpet, fill up with
water, and blast away! Kinda sounds like a cappucino machine.

LIQUID FART:
: It happens when the fart comes out in such a form that it feels like some
sort of diarrhea -even if it isn't.

THE I-LOVE-YOU FART:
: The kind of fart that sounds like "I luv u" in Arabic!

 BUTTRIPPER FART:
: The kind that comes out so fast and hard that it rips your cheeks apart
and makes you cry for all hell. And it smells horribly too!

CAMO-FART:
: If you're sitting in class one day, and suddenly a little squeek pops out,
and if someone asks you if you had just farted, be sure that your desk is
tuned properly so that it may squeek at the same frequency as your fart.
Then tell the person that it was your desk.

BALLSY FART/GUTSY FART:
: Your in a predicament where you would have to be gutsy in order to let it
go...I let 'em ripSmile

"GREETINGS!" FART:
: You let one rip as a greeting or a way to say, "Hi!"

POOTERS ANONYMOUS:
: A program to help people addicted to flatulence.

OW OW OW OW OW FART:
: OH, MAN!! Does this one BURN!!

PULL MY FINGER FART:
: You ask some one to pull your finger when you feel a big gassy fart come.
After they pull your finger, you fart in their face!

MOUTH FART:
: Comes out the other end but you couldn't tell by the smell.

PREDATOR FART:
: This fart is a high-velocity number that smells like a bag of duck guts.
It seems to actually seek out a victim after leaving it's maker. Usually an
innocent friend in the back seat of the car or a couple of seats away in a
theatre. The predator fart will skip over others in the other and wrap
itself around it's victim with a vicious fury.

THE SPANISH CLASS FART:
: When you are sitting in Spanish and fart really loudly and say you were
trying to trell your r.

TRIPLE FLUTTER BLAST:
: This is the fart that occurs after a hefty Chinese meal. To properly
'perform' it one leg must be elevated and resting on a convenient chair or
stool. Happens in three short but powerful bursts.

MOTHBALL FART:
: Noted for coming from elderly folks- usually in a casual manner with
little to no noise. But when the scent is out- it reaks of mothballs and
all once kicking bugs fall limp to the ground...

MOVIE THEATER FART:
: You are sitting in a movie theater and you have to let one go, so you
wait for an opening, such as a big explosion, to let it go.  (I personally
did this one during StarWars during the Death Star explosion Smile

PANTY FLUFF:
: I heard a saying the other day, "Women don't fart, they 'panty fluff'."

THE BUDDAH:
: This fart is the mother of all farts. It starts out like a car's engine
vroom vroom and then it back fires (*BOOM*)and it knocks the family cat a
couple of miles

KWEEEEEF FART:
: Sitting in band class with perfect posture when you let a fart that
sounds like a squeaking clarinet.

WEDDING FART:
: Happens when the Pastor is pronoucing them husband and wife, eggy and
beefy combo, Loud and deadly, the bride and groom never actually leave.

THE STAGED FART:
: This little number comes out is small bursts of the same length.  It
smells like a sack full of assholes.

BARREL OF LAUGHS FART:
: The kind of fart when you feel it coming a mile away, so you go and sit on
your friends lap and let her rip. Sounds like some one's rolling a barrel
down your asshole.

BALLS TICKLER FART:
: This is when you let the gas escape very slowly while sitting in the
bathtub. The tiny bubbles come up round your balls and often attach
themselves to the hairs on your scrotum, but finally come to the surface as
a nasty stink. (Applies to males only).

BEAR FART (aka NITEMARE ON SMELL STREET):
: The kind of fart that will wake you up at night because it smells so bad!
 They can be either silent or noisy: But they are the stinkiest farts
imagineable!
"Only a bear (with a bears' diet) could produce a smell that rotten"

BUBBLE GUM FART:
: A bubbly but wet fart that smells so horably bad you don't even enjoy it.

THE BUBBLE FART:
: You feel at the edge of your ass and you think that it is gone but then
it pops and is one of the most smelliest farts possible.

THE CATS MEOW FART (aka METZ's EGOTRIP):
: This fart is so funky, it can only be laid by Lawrence Duane Metz in
Texas. {So we are told}. It sounds like a slowly dying cat, and lasts
roughly 7.5 seconds. Also, the wrinkled grin/face of agony has to accompany
it!!

THE MEXICAN FART:
: The one that reminds you of the taco you had the night before and it
makes you hungry.

THE SHAKING FART:
: The one you get during class and holding it in makes your body convulse.

THE STAY AWHILE FART:
: The one you let rip in bed a couple nights ago, that is still there and
smells even worse.

VIBRATING FART:
: The person sitting next to you can feel it.

BUSINESS CLASS REPRISAL:
: This fart occurs after lengthy delays at airports situated in tropical
climates.After bitter arguments with flight attendants wishing to offer an
assortment of Australian sao biscuits with albanian cheese spread, you
reluctantly choose to scoff four trays of these disgusting looking but sweet
smelling foodstuffs and proceed to encounter the Business class reprisal.
Reply
#30
HUMOURMsg # 475 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/02/1998,  7:24 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: Fart Jokes :>

One morning when my daughter was about 3 years old, we were in the kitchen
making breakfast and waiting for the arrival of my husband who was then
working nights. The evening before I had made a gigantic pot of my worlds
famous chili, and was now feeling the effects of its beans. It couldn't be
stopped. I cut a great big one, right there in the kitchen. My little girl
jumped down from her chair, ran to the front door, yanked it open and
exclaimed gleefully---"DADDY"S HOME!!!"


There was this one time when I had a lot of gas and I wanted to wait for my
dad to come home so he could hear me fart (me and my dad have this thing and
we always fart together and laugh) so I was waiting, right and I could hear
him come in and I was sitting in a couch with my back against the front
door, and when he comes in I call for him and he comes to stand next to me
and I start this orchestra of farting and burping and all the while my dad
is trying to say something, so when I'm done my dad just looks really red
and I turn my head and see my dads friend standing right behind me and my
first reaction was to start laughing at the same time I was crawling up the
stairs to make my escape.-LEO PEO


One from my youth that I'll never forget found me on the stairs to the
basement den and TV room. My older brother was watching an old movie when I
suddenly found the urge to blow one. My tight little ass let loose a long
squeeking sound, like air escaping from a pinched balloon.
BEERRRRRRRREEEEEEPPP!!!!! Immediately one of the characters on the
television exclaimed, "What was that!", while the music track went, " DUN
DUN DUHHHHH.....". We laughed for hours. You just had to be there.


I have been feeling rather strange lately, Dizzy spells, sudden chest
pains, and since I had a bypass once I get real nervous, so I went to see
the Doc. Since I found out about a good friends heart problems I have
been trying to get back on the good diet and exercise wagon, and I've been
doing pretty good lately. I even changed my diet a bunch, eating lots of
green things, so I decided to try a new one, Kale. I got to the Doctors
Office, and was immediately taken to the treadmill, Denise hooked me all
up, 10 little suction cups and a belt and cord to the machine. I get kind
of shy when sitting on a bench with my huge belly sticking out, and she
left the door open and anyone walking by could see me. I could hear all the
talking and the papers rustling when all of a sudden I discovered why I
shouldn't eat Kale, it gives me gas, really noisy gas, at least not the
deadly kind though! I had let the pressure off really sneaky like when all
of a sudden Denise is back. Up on the treadmill I go, clomping away in my
work boots since my Tennies were not to be found. about the time of the
third speed up I'm percolating along pretty good, except for one area that
is squeezing down like a plug, since I didn't want to embarrass myself or
Denise by sounding like an old horse on an uphill trail. About this time I
discovered another problem, I have forgotten my belt, and having no waist
my pants are slowly dropping lower and lower. While I am at a slower speed
I can just let go of the bar, grab them and pull em up, but when she speeds
things up I can't let go, or I would be shot off the back like one of those
Six pound rockets you guys been talking about. Then in walks Dr Strait, and
the first words out of his mouth are " Hey, I've never been Mooned by a
patient before" ! This was the last straw, I started to laugh, and that sent
my pants to my knees, I stepped off the sides of the treadmill, bent over
to pull them up and the plug loosened up and there she blew! Suddenly there
was no noise, no papers rustling, no one talking, just the treadmill
whirring away, me bent over and frozen in shame, the Doctor with his mouth
stuck open staring and Denise with her finger on the button looking like
she'd just heard her worst nightmare! Fortunately one of the patients in
the waiting room started laughing, and Dr Strait told Denise to get the
muffler fixed on that gas powered treadmill. I never said another word, and
I think I'd better find another cardiologost. I have embarrassed myself this
time!


My ex-in-laws were very snooty people. One day, my children and I decided to
stop in for a visit since were were in the area. When we got there,
my mother-in-law, Wilma, stood in the entrance area and kind of kept us
there, explaining that her husband, Cletus, was taking a bath. We
chit-chatted for a few minutes, then her Avon lady showed up. She, too, was
stopped in the entrance area. We didn't know exactly what was going on until
we heard a thunderous water-logged rumble from the bathroom (the wall were
thin) followed by a huge roar of laughter. My father-in-law (who didn't
know they had "company") yelled "Hey.... didja hear THAT one, Wilma??!)


This happened a long time ago when my Grandma was a little girl. She and her
mother had gotten on a bus to ride into town, they lived out in the country.
Well in the back of the bus is where people had to sit who had animals, and
this one woman had a bunch of chickens with her. Well the chickens somehow
got loose from the cage they were in, and she was chasing them around the
bus. When she bent over to grab one of them she let out a loud fart. Nobody
said anything until one drunk old man yelled "That's right lady, if you
can't catch'em, shoot'em!"


One day when I was in Jr. High School, the gym teacher decided to give a
class on CPR and other life-saving routines. He showed us a movie on the
Heimlich Maneuver and after the movie looked out at the group of kids and
asked for a volunteer. Nobody raised their hand, so he picked me. He put
his hands around my chest to demonstrate the maneuver and he suddenly
squeezed me real tight. Right then, in front of my whole gym class, I
ripped a huge, LOUD fart. Immediatly, my teacher let me go. Everyone was
cracking up, but I thought I was going to die from embarassment. --jwh


I once farted while my ex-wife and I where pulling a 69. She doesn't live
here anymore.


This is a true story that I read in the local newspaper on March 25th.
A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no marks on his
body but the autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His
diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other
things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the
man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging
over his bed. "If he had been outside or had his windows opened, it
wouldn't have been fatal," the coroner said. But the man was shut up in his
near airtight bedroom. "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating
this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers on the scene got sick and one was
hospitalized.


One time my grandmother had eaten beans the night before she met her future
son-in-law. They had a great time until my grandmother got up off her chair
after feeling a rumbling in her stomach. As she excused herself and
proceeded to walk out of the room, farts came out of her like a light
brigade. Feeling embarrassed by this racket, she pretended like she was in
a marching band, swung her arms to the fart beat, and in a sing-song
fashion, she chanted "Putt-putt-putt-putt- putt."


My wedding day was a blast. Even the crabby old Methodist Minister couldn't
keep the wild boys that made up my wedding from living it up.
However, during the wedding ceremony an event transpired that will go down
in fart folklore forever. My shortest friend, Dietrich, is one of those guys
that gets great pleasure from not only farting by you, but farting on you!
We were in the back of the church getting ready to go out for the ceremony,
and Dietrich had the urge to share his bowel gas. He decided to share this
one with my friend Doug. He put his butt-cheeks up against my friend Doug's
thigh and ripped a wet, greasy, sulfur blast. Dietrich then looked up to
take in Doug's expression after having his tux defiled. However, it was not
Doug. It was the eighty year old Methodist Minister. With that the organ
began to play. The horrified minister realized that the "show must go on",
and made it through the ceremony although I'm sure his lungs were burning.


While in high school, I played center on the football team. One day the
Assistant Coach was in a foul mood. He was berating the Quarterback for a
bad play. In the middle of his tirade he said, "here, let me show you how to
do it." We all had to line up over the ball. The coach approached and put
his hands under my butt to receive the snap. As he called out the count I
felt a large fart brewing. Exactly on the count when I was supposed to snap
the ball, I ripped a loud one. All the team fell down laughing. The coach
turned red in the face and was just about to tear into me when he saw the
humor of the situation and laughed just as hard as the rest of us.


While in college in a small mountain town in Colorado, my roommate got a job
as a waiter in a fancy restaurant. A couple of us decided to go to dinner
there one night to give him some grief. While we were there, we were a bit
rowdy and attracted the stares and glowers of the other diners. One snooty
lady in particular was shooting daggers at us. As it happened, we left at
the exact moment that the ice queen and her date were leaving. I had a big
one in the chamber, so I held the door open as if I were a courteous person.
Just as the lady was about to walk out the door, I jumped out in front of
her and ripped a trumpet blast. As cool as I could, I turned to the lady and
said in a loud voice, "Jesus lady, don't you have any class?"


A husband and wife were lying in bed playing fart football. The husband
went first, laying down a long, wet one. "7-0," he said. The wife produced
an equally gross blast. "7-7," he said. The game went on until the husband
took a 28-21 lead. The wife strained to tie, her face reddening at the
effort. Instead of farting, she crapped on her side of the bed. For a
moment, she didn't know what to do. Then her face brightened and she
announced, "Halftime. Change sides." J.B


I used to go to a Church youth group and right after the youth leader said
lets make a joyful noise for the lord, somebody cut a loud one.


One night me and my brother and my friend were having a farting competition
I had a ripper of a fart brewing and it was then remembered what we learnt
in body science farts were made of methane which is flammable so I ran down
and grabbed a lighter went back upstairs and turned the light off the next
thing we saw was a huge fireball and just as bigger hole in my new satin
boxers.


One morning when I was in high school, I came downstairs for breakfast and
Mom was rolling on the floor laughing about something. When she could talk
coherently, my brother and I found out what had happened: We had this
little poodle-mix dog who liked to get under the covers on Mom and Dad's
bed on cold nights. She had been there this one morning when Dad let out a
window-rattler. The dog had crawled out gasping and coughing. She didn't
sleep under the covers after that.


When I was on my way into the bathroom, a girl at work followed me in
talking to me. I had to poop, but you don't want to poop while someone is
talking to you. Anyway, I thought maybe I'd just urinate, and wait till she
left and then go, but when I sat down to urinate, a big cow fart came out.
It went "Mooooooooo". I was so embarrassed, everyone in the stalls,
including the girl, quit talking, until a little girl whispered, "Mommy, I
heard a cow." Then everyone started laughing. I didn't talk to the girl for
about two days afterward, I was too embarrassed.


My brother farted in his car one day in front of his new girlfriend. It was
SBD, and unfortunately for him, the electric windows wouldn't go down. He
decided to try to ignore the event by saying,"Have you seen todays
newspaper?" She said "No, but if you pull over, I'll go and find you some
leaves!"


I heard my dad yell "lets go to A+W for lunch". So my family got in the van
and drove there. We went through the drive-thru. The lady said can I take
your order, he said I'd like one big juicyfffffffffffffffffffffffffff. My
dad had got out and farted in the intercom. I was so embarrassed, although I
did notice a big brown spoltch on his pants.


My sister asked me to come over and help her rewire her dryer outlet.
Neither one of us know very much about electricity, but we did not have
enough money to hire an electrician either. So I went over to help her. The
real reason that she wanted my help is that I know C.P.R. and do not lose
my head. Anyway we shut off the power and rewired everything from the fuse
box to the outlet. My sister had me & mom watching the outlet while she
turned on the breakers. She told us to watch for sparks & yell if we saw
anything. She turned on the main breaker, & nothing happened. She told us
she was going to turn on the next breaker, she did, & nothing happened. Then
she said "This is the one to the dryer outlet, watch closely!". She flipped
the breaker, I farted, & she almost had a heart attack! She said "What the
Hell was that", about the same time mom said "Your sister farted". My
sister's eyes were the size of dinner plates & she had jumped back about 2
feet. All I could do was laugh. While she explained that when elelectricity
blows it sounds like air escaping.


Two gay guys were driving down the road the other night.  Suddenly the
passenger had to cut one so he turned to the driver and asked "Do you mind
if I pass gas?"  The driver replied "No, not at all."  So the passenger let
out a real airy "WHOOOOOSH" that sounded just like the wind.  A few minutes
later, the driver had to cut one so he asked the passenger, "Do you mind if
I break wind?"  The passenger replied "No, not at all.."  So the driver let
out an airy sounding "WHOOOOOSH", similar to the passengers.  About 10
minutes later they stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.  After they got back on
the highway, the hitchhiker, feeling a sharp pain in his stomach asked "Hey
guys, do you mind if I fart?"  The driver replied "No, not at all."  So the
hitchhiker let a real obnoxious loud motorcycle-sounding "BBRRRBRBRRBRRR".
Then the two queers guys turned around and said: "WE KNOW WHO THE VIRGIN
IS!!!"......Take it or leave it.....Sui


One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel
for his birthday.  After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.  The
owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel
you have.  If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more
help."  So she did just that.  After hearing it hit the floor, the owner
said, "That's the Johnson Model 9400.  It'll be $40.00."  The woman
decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor.  Upon bending
over, a little wind was broken.  The owner rang up the sale and said,
"That'll be fifty dollars."  "Fifty dollars!" the woman exclaimed.  "You
just told me forty dollars." "Yes I did", said the owner "But that was for
the reel.  But the duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is  $2.50."


A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two
African doctors talking. "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A" says the
first. "No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A" says the second. "No, no, no.
Wumba: W-U-M-B-A" says the first again. At this the nurse pops her head
through the door. "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B".
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says "Madam, I doubt
if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a
mudpool."


When we were kids our folks took us camping all the time.  This one trip my
older brother had bought a pup tent and he and my little brother decided to
sleep in it.  My Mom, Dad and myself slept in the full size one.
Well, my Mom was not feeling very well and she let out a big fart.  But, my
Mom, you see is very over weight and when it came out it sounded like a
loud purr.  My Dad and I weren't going to say anything, but it was so loud
and unusal sounding I guess it scared my older brother in the pup tent.  We
could hear him say, "Matt! Matt! Get my BB gun! There's a racoon out
there!" After that we all started laughing.  That happened over twenty
years ago, and when I think of it, I still laugh.


 "Life is like a fart, it stinks."  -Forrest Rump


A friend of mine told me this true story.  He had a college buddy who asked
a girl out on a date.  However, in order to take her on this date, he had
to borrow a friends car.  While they were driving to the destination, he
had to leave a great burner.  He was frantic and didn't know what to do.
So he asked his date if she ever heard the horn in one of these cars.  She
said no!  He said "well you have to, because there is nothing like it,
however in order to get the full effect you have to roll down the windows."
After a little prodding on his point, she finally agreed and rolled down
the window.  About this time the gas bubble could be held back no longer.
He looked at his date and said, "are you ready for this..."  He counted to
three, layed on the horn and farted at the same time.  To her suprise the
horn didn't work and all she got was a first date she would never forget.
She made her date take her home and they never went out again


After lunch, a crew returned to the office and began working.  My friend
was at her desk with paperwork. Without any comment at all, the man at the
desk next to her's got up and left. A buzz went around the room as people
speculated as to where their co-worker had gone. Had he quit mid-shift? Was
he disgruntled and returning with a firearm? When he returned near
closing-time, he was wearing a fresh set of clothes and his hair was still
wet from a shower. He sat at his desk and resumed working. My friend
leaned over and said,"Where have you been?" ..."I thought it was a fart",
he mumbled.


 From an article in the Los Angeles Times...
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a
cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract
him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract.


There was once a good looking city girl who was going to marry a backward
ass cowboy.  A couple of days before the wedding she decided she was gonna
give him the best wedding gift  ever. She went over to a lingerie store and
bought  a pair of crotchless panties. On their wedding nite at the hotel he
said he needed to go to the bathroom to get ready. While inside his new
bride took off all of her clothes except for the crotchless panties. When
the cowboy came out she was lying spread eagled on the bed and she said
"How about some of this big boy" and he said "hell no, look what it's done
to your panties."


One night me and my wife had eaten a big meal. I love to torment her with
farts, because she's not good enough to get me back. We went to bed, and I
knew I had one that would melt the curtains. How do I get her to smell this
one? I asked myself. Then I farted under the covers, it was so strong that
it was hot. All of a sudden, I told my wife, "You better cover your head,
I'm about to spit into the air." When she did, I knew that my mission was
over. She almost vomited, but instead, she ran out of the room. It was a
real eye opener for her. I still pay for that one, so if you decide to try
it, make sure you know what you are up against........


About 5 years ago I was in the living room with one of my daughters. It was
summer. Here in WNC we get alot of afternoon thundershowers. Well, it
thundered quite loud. My daughter was about 2 years old, so she got scared.
I explained that it was thunder and it was going to rain. About 2-3 weeks
later, it was bright and sunny outside. I was holding here in my arms and
looking out the kitchen window. She ripped a fart worthy of her family
name. She looked out the window up towards the sky and said "rain, daddy".


There once was older couple who had been married for several years. The
first thing the old man did in the morning was let a big paint-peeling
stinker. The old lady always said that he would one day fart his guts out.
The old man always ignored her.
Then one year at Thanksgiving, the old lady was fixing the turkey when she
removed the giblets from the turkey. She then thought of a way to pay the
old man back for years of morning breezes. She then took the giblets into
the bedroom while the old man was still sleeping and dropped them into his
shorts. Soon, he woke up and cut his morning cheek-flapper, and rolled over
and felt a squish. Thinking he may have shit his pants, he ran to the
bathroom. The old lady then heard a loud scream. The old man emerged from
the bathroom white and shaking, holding up two fingers. The lady smiled and
asked what the problem was. The old man responded, "You were right! I
finally farted my guts out! But by the grace of God and these two fingers,
I got 'em back!" - -- Gonzo


When I was in high school I had a friend named Wean that, like me, liked to
do weird things. One day Sean told me to go check out the boy's john. I
went in and, lo and behold, there was an unflushed turd... green as a
christmas tree. Sean explained that he had drank a glass of water with a
load of green food coloring in it the night before. It worked!!! Later in
the semester he did a red one. Nobody flushed either one all day as far as
I know. Later at the same school I went into the boys john and on one of
the stalls on a piece of notebook paper was written "Largest Turd In
Captivity...Do Not Flush!!!". I couldn't take it and had to look. Sure
enough there was about the hariest two foot long turd I'd ever seen. I
couldn't bring myself to flush it nor did anyone else.


The setting is Disneyland, "The Happiest Place on Earth," where I had
joined a couple of friends for a day of fun and adventure. After paying
something approaching $30 each to get in, we wanted to conserve our cash,
so when it came time to eat we opted for a quick-n-cheap lunch rather than
fine dining in one of their numerous restaurants. Lunch consisted of one of
those burritos in a plastic bag, and a can of cola. I could go into great
detail here, but why bother. You know precisely what I'm getting at here:
INTESTINAL GAS! Funny thing is, lunch didn't seem to give me any problem. I
don't think I flatulated once the whole afternoon. More crap food was
consumed. Many violent games of air hockey were played. Little did I know
what my bowels had in store. So late in the afternoon we step in line for
the Jungle Cruise ride. The lines at Disneyland are densely packed in a
serpentine configuration such that it's pretty much impossible to bail out
from the middle. As I shuffled around a bend deep into the line, I notice
there's a little girl right whose height would place her nose precisely in
line with my asshole. "Wouldn't it be funny," I think to myself, "if I had
to flatulate right now?" We continue shuffling through the densely-packed
line, and just as we come to the exact center of the line, with the small,
innocent child inches from my rear and at least 20 feet of human bodies in
all directions and nowhere to run, I did just that. I passed gas. However,
this was no ordinary flatus. Nothing like this has crept from my bowels
before or since. This was... The Doomsday Fart! You know the expression,
"silent but deadly"? You couldn't have heard this one with a stethoscope to
my sphincter, but Landsat 4 probably picked it up in the thermal band. It
was simply unholy. A fart that could melt diamond. The oil fires of Kuwait
couldn't hold a candle to this thing. Chernobyl? Child's play! Weather
patterns were disrupted. LAX was "fogged in." The world knew a new evil on
this day. A voluminous, hot, humid, painfully burning fart that made the
greenhouse effect look like a pleasant alternative. It probably knocked
down a couple local trailer parks just for good measure. I farted only once
on this day, but it was more than most people will manage in a lifetime.
The line started moving. I did not look back, for fear that I might see a
live action replay of the scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where people
were melting and shriveling up. We go around one of the bends in the line,
headed back toward The Mushroom Cloud. My friends both choke, look back at
me, and give the best glare they can manage with their eyes watering like
that. I've just got this big shit-eating grin on my face. They do not need
to ask where "It" came from (brave souls, these folks -they still joined me
on the submarine ride later). Rounding the corner myself, I get a glimpse
of what's left of the small child behind me. Her face is scrunched in pain,
her hands violently waving the air in front of her. I don't think she needs
to ask either. Except for the complete depilatation, it's nothing a good
plastic surgeon can't fix. That evening, we ate dinner in a restaurant.


When my husband and I were dating, we eventually realized we both thought
farts were hysterical.  One day I let off three short farts in a row that
sounded like a phrase almost. My husband looked at me and said, "I love
you, too!"


Once in a supermarket with my friends, we were the only ones in the aisle,
when I felt the terrific pressure of a killer fart coming on. Saying to my
friends "Listen, I'm gonna tune the radio", I intended to let it out in a
long, squeaky, quavering fart that would sound like someone tuning an AM
radio. You know, the MEEEeeeEEEeeeEEE-up! kind of fart that cant make up
its mind. Well, the fart came out in a loud blast all at once, just as a
couple pushing a wagon turned the corner, and came upon me grimacing,
squatting, and pushing! My friend yelled "Tune the radio? Sounds like you
blew the speakers!"


A friend said a old navy buddy called him with a good dump story. The guy
felt the old familiar feeling.  He was full of politics and had to go the
voting booth and cast a ballot.  He went in and reconoitered the situation.
Seems someone had his favorite stall.  He went in to the next one.  As he
sat down to vote the guy next to him cut a sorry excuse for a fart.  So, my
friend's buddy fired out one that shook the grout from between the tiles.
The man in the next booth was heard to say . . . "I'm not worthy . . . I'm
not worthy . . . "


I was about thirteen at the time.  My oldest brother was home from college.
Man was I excited!  I thought I would impress him with a skill I had
acquired. I was going to light a fart.  We lived in a split-level house.
He was downstairs at the end of the den.  It was good to see him home.  I
grabbed a book of matches, ran downstairs and did a baseball slide to stop
at his feet.  I rolled backwards and had my feet on the floor next to my
head with my poop chute up in the air. I lit a yeoman effort of a fart an
came up laughing at the blue flame. My brother looked like he could die.
He said "I want you to turn around and apologize to her right now!"  I
turned around and saw sitting in the corner I could not see when I came
down the steps a girl he had brought home from college to meet his family.
She had a strange look on her face that I have not seen since. They've now
been married for years.


This happened when I was in U.S. Navy Aviation Officers Candidate School
(Officer and a Gentleman type stuff for you civilians) when I was a junior
candidate.  Our class of about 50 guys was lined up shoulder to shoulder
along the wall in the hallway as a senior candidate class officer was
lecturing to us.  After he finished his lecturing, he asked in a kind of
humourous tone "Does anyone have any questions?...any comments?...any
flatulence?"  Well, being constantly filled with gas as a result of the
great Navy chow I couldn't resist so I let one rip that would make fart
lovers everywhere proud.  Now I had just taken a shit several hours prior
so I had no shit in my bowels to impeed this monster of a fart.  Also,
remember I had my ass up to the wall of this long empty hallway.  When this
fart came out it echoed off of the walls and grew in volume like the sound
coming out of a tuba.  It was music to my ears.  After the sound of the fart
subsided everyone was silent for a second as no one knew whether to laugh
or hold it in, after all we were in a disciplined environment. Everyone was
pursing their lips trying to contain their laughter when all of a sudden it
just broke and everyone started laughing hysterically.  What made it even
funnier was that unbeknownest to us was that the roof had slowly been
leaking from several days of rain and had soaked several of the 2x4 foot
white ceiling tiles. The vibrations from our tremendous laughter caused one
of the rain soaked ceiling tiles to fall. It landed with a huge splat right
beside the candidate officer who was also laughing.  We were soon dismissed
feeling good because of the laughter and I continued on through AOCS and
into my aircraft squadron farting loud and stinky farts on a regular basis
humoring some and offending others thanks to that great Navy chow.


One day when I was waking up to go to work I had to fart.  I was in a
mischievious mood, so I farted a SBD under the blanket, and rolled ever so
gently out of bed and quickly turned the light on.  Well, my girlfriend,
who was sleeping next to me, pulled the blanket over her head to block her
face from the light.  On my way to the shower, I heard the muffled sound of
her voice from under the blanket... "You asshole!"


Once when I was about 13 and my sister was 2, the family was sitting down
to dinner.  Well, sis lets out this loud fart.  Everyone at the table was
trying very hard to keep from bursting out in hysterical laughter.  My
father, determined to try to teach his young daughter some manners said,
"Now, what do you say?"  My sister, Carol promptly replied, "Aaahhhh..."


Elderly lady at dinner party farts. Everybody hears it. The lady turned to
the laughing waiter and exclaimed 'Waiter! Stop that!' Waiter replied
smoothly: 'Certainly madam. Which way did it go?'


Once I was in kmart with my aunt Betty and she let the biggest loudest fart.
There was a blue light special in like isle 5 or something right where she
was.. they said it on the PA and then BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAPPPP she let it
loose.. and before you know it people started walking up to isle 5 then
getting an isle away then they would all start running back like chickens
with heads cut off.  It was cool


Dear Dr. Rex...This little fart trick has been in our family for years. My
dad taught it to me, and he said never to tell anyone the secret, but this
just must be known. It is called "loading a Pillow". First, you get a
really raunchy fart brewing (drinking beer after eating beenie weenies
works well). Then, find a pillow, a squishy pillow. Sit on the pillow and
squeeze the air out of it. Fart on the pillow, but while you are farting
gradually stand up, letting the fart seep into the pillow. Now the fun
begins. You can throw the pillow at someone, and when they catch it they
will naturally squeeze it, and they get a little surprise. OR, put it on
someones bed, and when it's bedtime they won't be sleepy anymore. OR, run
up to someone and shove the pillow into their chest and run REAL fast away
before you get beat up.


One time, when I was twelve, my cousins came up for Easter. My uncle, being
the joker that he is decided to shove an egg up his @$$. Then he called us
all in to watch. Confused, we gathered round his sphincter to gaze in
amazement as he farted and shot the egg a couple feet and hit my sister in
the leg.-anonymous


Dr. Mario Smith (fake name) is one of my father's best friends and a master
of loud obnoxious farts.  The following happened to him when he was a
professor of law at a University: He gave a ride to a few students (all
females) in his station wagon  after classes were finished.  He dropped
them all off one by one.  When he thought he had dropped off the last girl,
he let off a thunderous  fart, laughed out loud and said to himself: "What
an awesome fart, ha, ha, ha!" Immediately after that a voice in the rear
seat said: "Doctor Smith, would you drop me off at the next corner?".  He
said the toughest thing was the fact that he didn't know who this girl was,
but she knew who he was.  He was so shocked, he never had a chance to
apologize.


Here's a true story related to me by a friend (middle-aged black guy):----
Jamal was with his wife shopping at the local supermarket and was bored. He
decided to have a little fun, so he slowly backed into his wife, wiggled
his butt against hers and then, brrrRRAP, nailed her with a really forceful
and stinky one. He turns around and, low and behold, it ain't his wife! Some
snobby rich white lady who was aghast and horrified. My friend tried to
apologize, but he couldn't stop laughing long enough.


Back years ago, me and my wife were at Original Pizza in Kansas City, I was
very flatuent that day but all the farts were just silent ones. Well, we
were seated at the table waiting for the pizza to get ready. I felt the urge
to slip a fart out and did with no reprucussion or noises. Twice I did this
and no noise. Well, the third time I had the same feeling so lifted my butt
cheek to relieve the pressure and darn nab if Queen Sheba didn't come out my
ass! This fart was so loud that everyone stopped eating and looked at me! My
wife face turn blood red and thought she was going to pass out laughing so
hard. Me, I was embarrased as hell, and tried to bluff it off but my wife
laughing gave me away. This queen fart must of cracked the seat I was in
this thing ricchocheted around the pizza place. So got up and left and on
way back to car the owner of place asked me if I was ok. Said yep.


True story from the October 4, 1996 edition of the Chicago Reader:
"In Edmontone, Alberta, in May police received a report that an armored car
was weaving erratically on the road and that a guard appeared to be
signaling for help by repeatedly swinging a door open. Thinking there was a
holdup, officers in six cars gave chase, only to find out that one of the
guards had farted, and the other guard was trying to air out the cab."


One time I had the massive sharp pains in my side. So I'm in my car,
driving home, and I'm dying and racing. I started playing that mind game
where if you let a little go and catch it, you have a chance of letting air
go without shitting yourself. So I'm dying and doing 75 and, oh shit,
here's the cops. Well, I stop, and since I couldn't hold it, it came out.
Really long, really loud, really smelly. I MEAN ROTTEN! Anyway, the cop
came up to the window, and as I rolled it down, he gasped really loud! He
got behind my car and told me to step out. He leaned me over the trunk and
cuffed me. The stupid bastard thought that I had a dead body in the car!
After about an hour, and three backup cars, they let me go. When I got back
in, I let a little popper for good measure. Even though I almost shit my
pants!


Yup, there is a new Fart called the Bill Clinton Fart...You let er rip and
say you didn't inhale.....hahahahah.


I was a pre-kindergarten teacher at a private school.  One day I was
reading a story called "Little toot" about a little boy steam ship and his
grandfather steam ship.  The children loved hearing me use the word toot,
as they knew that it meant fart.  Anyway, I got so tickled when during the
story a little boy up front would fart small farts when I'd say little
toot, and big farts when I'd say big toot.  This 4-year-old had control!
Anyway, I kept laughing hysterically during the whole episode and hadn't
noticed that a male parent had arrived to pick up his son and was sitting
amongst the children.  As we were laughing and the boy was farting, I
looked up and I was flabbergasted, as the parent kind of smirked and
laughed embarrassed. I could have died and said "Boys and girls, let's
read a new book." All the kids and the dad said "Aw!" disappointedly.
After that I could not look at the dad without putting my head down and
holding back a laugh, he did too.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 476 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/02/1998, 11:30 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: Some funnies for ya :>

This bloke decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them
to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "themed party - come as a
human emotion". On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he
opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V
painted on his chest (in another colour).  He says to this guy  Wow, great
outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with
envy".  The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink". A few
minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a
woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her
most intimate parts.  He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion
have you come as?" and she replies, "I'm tickled pink".  The host says, "I
love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the
doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two
black guys, start-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of
custard and other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really
shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like,
you could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street.  What
emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies (in a strong West
Indian accent), "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in
despair."

********************************

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is
narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the
final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now
don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.  He's never lost
a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let
him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded
in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several
times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his
face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised
his eye just in time to see the Russian lying up in the air. The Russian's
back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of
him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone,
he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair
of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so
with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own balls!"

--------------------

Windows 95: n.   32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch
to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

--------------------

This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves at 6:00 but
he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time.  He
spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous
hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.

The guy replies, "Sure, which country?" Our fellow asks, "How many
countries have you got?"   to which the reply is, "All the countries in the
world!" "Wow! That's a pretty cool  watch you've got there." That's
nothing.  This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even
receive NTSC televison channels and  display them on its miniature active
colour pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible.  I wish I had a watch like that one.... You
wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want
it, it's yours!"

Our watchless traveller can hardly whip out his cheque book fast enough and
hands over a cheque for $900.  The seller takes off the watch and gives it
to him.

"Congratulations, here's your new high tech watch!" and then handing the 2
suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

PRACTICING FOR THEIR HONEYMOON

When a minister tells you a story, you ought to believe it, right? M.H. for
Fort Wayne, Ind., has her doubts. She finds it hard to believe this racy
story, even though it was told as truth by a local minister.

A young couple, engaged to be married, had scheduled a premarital
counselling session with a minister. But they failed to show up, so the
next morning the minister called the bride-to-be's home.

"She's in the hospital," the young woman's mother told the minister. "She
probably wants to tell you herself why she didn't show, though."

So the minister went to the hospital, and there he found the young woman in
traction with a broken leg and collarbone. But the accident had left her
feeling more embarrassed than pained.

She said her parents were going out of town for the weekend, and asked her
to house sit. She and her fiance decided that this would be a perfect
chance to "practice for their honeymoon." So as soon as her parents left,
they set about "practicing" in her parents bedroom.

Not long afterward the phone rang. It was her mother, in a panic. She had
left the iron on in the basement. Would they please turn it off?

The fiance playfully picked her up and carried her to the top of the
basement stairs. Both of them were still naked. When she switched on the
lights, shouts of "Surprise! Surprise!" came from the basement. Her parents
were standing at the bottom of the stairs, along with relatives, in-laws
and friends. It was a surprise wedding shower!

The shock was too great for the fiance. He dropped her and fled. She rolled
down the stairs and lay there naked, while her family gaped. Her
grandmother reached for her heart medicine. Everyone was too shocked to
cover her.  So, the minister concluded, the couple was never legally
joined. "The girl went crazy," he said, "and the guy left town."

===============================================================

DEAR TIDE,

I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom
says it was the best.  Anyhow, one weekend about a month ago, I was at my
girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt.  Much to my chagrin, I
spilled some red wine on my white shirt.  She made a comment about my
drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all
over my not-so-nice white shirt.  I tried washing it with her detergent,
and it just didn't do the trick.  So, on my way home, I stopped at the
store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide.  It washed the stain so well
that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive!

I can't praise your product enough.  Thank you for saving my life!  I must
go now... I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage
bags...

Thanks again!

John Smith

===============================================================

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his
homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell
his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where
his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather
nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"

"Well...yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:

"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

===================================================================

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The
cashier asks, "What size?" The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came
in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and
measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence.

While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of
the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When
they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that
fence back there!"

===================================================================

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a
minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both
staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every
order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a
private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the
light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities
interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature,
General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to
accept the thermometer.  "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent
that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to
proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and
don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his
bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general
barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

=================================================================

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a
pet dog he doted on.  The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish
priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead.  Could you possibly be saying a
mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in
the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the
road a piece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do
something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough
to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

===============================================================

Two Frenchmen walk into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic
bird section.  Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre "Zat's ze one we want over
zere, eh?" "Oui, zat es zem" says Jean-Pierre.  The store clerk comes over
and asks if he can help them. "Yeah! We will take four of zose birds in ze
cage up zere" says Jean-Marc. "Put zem in ze papier bag".  The clerk does
and the two guys leave the store.

They get into Jean-Marc's truck and drive for three hours until they are
high up in the hills and stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500 foot
drop.  "Zis looks like ze good place, non?" says Jean-Pierre, "Oui,  c'est
parfait!' replied Jean-Marc.  They flipped a coin and Jean-Marc wins the
toss, "Tabernac! I guess me,  I must go first, ah?" says Jean-Pierre.

Jean-Pierre takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.

Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down
for a few seconds, followed by a "SPLAT". Jean-Marc looks over the cliff,
shakes his head and says "Fuck zis. Zis Budgie jumping iz too dangerous for
me!!!"

-----------------------

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man
replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh
okay, just say three Hail Mary's and try to watch your language. The man
replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The
priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father I played golf on
Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. " The priest says, "And
you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I
swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little
testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I
walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a
clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel
ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is
that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle
then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man
replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel
let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole The priest
screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints
and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him
in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the
fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!!
SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 477 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/02/1998, 11:38 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: And more.  Bored with them yet? :>

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old age of 87". "That's
nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he
was 95 when he died". Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a
fella that got to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?", asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

_____________________________________________________________________
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat
questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his
big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in
order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in
the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to
get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined
not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it
in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living
room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn
started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and
poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate
relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing,
wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass
of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those
things!"

-------------------------

The owner of a well-established firm of wholesalers was interviewing people
for a position in sales. One candidate offered excellent references and
experience and was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a
disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the sales manager decided to be frank, "You've got all the
qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I'm afraid
that facial tic of yours might put customers off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the sales candidate, "because all
I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for
yourself, I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the
desk.

The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms
piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety
imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two
aspirin, swallowed them , and sure enough, the tic went away in less than a
minute.

"So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly, gesturing at the
mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my
company to be represented by some wild womanizer, after all."

"No fear. I'm a happily married man."

"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"

"It's simple, sir.  Did you ever go into a drug store, winking like crazy,
and ask for a packet of aspirins?

--------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING TECHNICIANS
=========================

     STUFFED. ..
     A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not
     work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected
     to change in the near future.

     FUCKED. ..
     Terminally stuffed.

     FUCK ME DEAD. ..
     A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an
     assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to
     discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part
     under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas)
     realignment.

     FUCK IT ALL. ..
     An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or
     circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room.
     Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went
     to, and have no idea what it looks like.

     FUCKING BLOODY FUCK. ..
     An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical
     aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still under
     the workshop bench.

     HOLY BLOODY SHIT. ..
     The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon
     off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.

     SHIT, FUCK, SHIT. ..
     The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing
     you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only
     critically important to the machines operation, but is completely
     beyond retrieval.

     SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. ..
     Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

     SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. ..
     Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.

     HOW THE FUCK?. ..
     Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the
     machine might have done something a bit differently.

     BLOODY FUCK. ..
     Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

     HOLY FUCKING SHIT. ..
     This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.

     BUGGER BLOODY FUCK. ..
     You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate
     understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to it.

     NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression,
     it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.

     FUCKING DAMN SHIT. ..
     I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

     FUCKING BLOODY DAMN. ..
     A general phrase indicating minor irritation.

     HOLY BLOODY FUCK. ..
     My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor
     and I can't reach the power switch.

     BUGGER, FUCK, DAMN. ..
     An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given
     to the customer omitted the $1800 parts content of the job.

     I DON'T TALK TO DORKS LIKE YOU. ..
     An expression that initiates many long and meaningful meetings between
     your management and the customer, where your manager desperately tries
     to persuade the customer that something you passionately believe in
     has never entered your head.

     IF YOU'RE SUCH A CLEVER DICK, WHY DON'T *YOU* FIX THE BLOODY THING?
     A phrase which precedes an unusually long period before the next
     salary increase. Can be effective at getting you on a Customer
     Relations course.

     FUCK OFF SYPHILLIS FACE. ..
     A phrase used with customers upon being asked how much bloody longer
     you intend to be.

     IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I'M FUCKING FIXING IT. ..
     I was taught that a screwdriver also doubles as a cold chisel, a putty
     knife, a tyre lever, a door jam, a paint stirrer, a big nail, an
     emergency fuse link, something to lean under the tyre of your managers
     car, or a tool to wake snoozing apprentices (when sharpened).

     WHY DON'T YOU BUY ANOTHER FUCKING ONE?. ..
     If you persist in using something built during the Crimean War, of
     course it will sometimes break down.

-------------------

This is an actual job application submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME:  ........................................

DESIRED POSITION:  Doggie.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the
first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a huge severance
package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a
winner of the Readers Digest Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Florida with a
fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

---------------------------

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.  He looks
around and finally  stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.  The
fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a
couple of hours.  The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
priest says no.  He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot
father".  After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to
get it in the boat.  The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest:  "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING
QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a
sonofabitch!" :  "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the
priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

P:  "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop:  "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
P:  "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I
caught it.  I caught this sonofabitch!"
B:  "Hmmm.  You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it
for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head
mother.
B:  "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother:  "My lord, what language!"
B:  "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

HM:  "Hmmm.  Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all
think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

P:  "I caught the sonofabitch!"
B:  "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
HM: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off
his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers
are alright."
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