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Humour for the Streets!
#31
HUMOURMsg # 478 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/02/1998, 11:50 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: And more... hehehehe

In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people
call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked
them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter. The trouble was
that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This
innocent virgin, her name was RAZ, did not know anything about sex. Of
course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well,
finally they were married and on their wedding night, RAZ was very
impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man
was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our
Tiger did not want to her to think that all men were the same, so he told
her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such
a thing." So...she believed him. !!

The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills
for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks, when he came
back he began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't
there. He then went down through the village looking for her.

"RAZ, RAZ, where are you?"

Finally he meets up with her on the street. RAZ appears to be very angry
and frustrated. "You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for
nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him.

"Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why
you mad at me?" our tiger asks.

RAZ says, "Yeah, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well
he has "one" also" and she points to his genitals.

Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I
can fix this. "Hey Honey, I tell you something, you know what? Sancho he is
my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I
give him one," he is all smiles and goes over to hug RAZ.

RAZ is now angrier and begins to clobber the shit out of him. "You dumb
ass, stupido, ignorante," she yells at him.....

"YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE!"

------------------------

                            Practical Jokers

Three guys, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, have a mutual
friend who is getting married. They are all practical jokers, and since
their friend is getting married on April Fools Day, they each decide to set
up a practical joke in the couple's bedroom.

The carpenter rigs the bed so that it will collapse when there is enough up
and down action on it. The electrician wires the bed up so that the couple
will get one small shock the first time they touch each other. The dentist
has a real hard time coming up with a joke, but he finally does.

The day after the wedding, the guy that got married is talking to his three
friends. He says to the carpenter, "We did get a kick out of the collapsing
bed." He turns to the electrician and says, "The shock was actually pretty
funny." Then he says to the dentist, "But you went way too far by putting
novocaine in my lubricants."

------------------------

           >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<
                          The Promiscuous Eagle

A eagle was soaring overhead when he spied a dove. He swooped down and
grabbed the dove, dragged it into the bushes and had his way with it. A
short time later, the eagle emerged and soared into the sky. The dove
staggered out of the bushes saying "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, and I think I'm
in love."

The next day, the eagle spotted a goose. Once again he swooped down,
grabbed the goose and took it into the bushes where he had his way with it.
The eagle emerged, took off, and soared into the sky. The goose staggered
out of the brush saying "I'm a goose, I'm a goose, and I think I've been
seduced."

The very next day, the eagle was flying when he spotted a duck. He swooped
down and grabbed the duck and dragged it into the brush where he had his
way with it. A short time later, the eagle emerged, took off, and soared
into the sky. The little duck waddled out of the bush saying "I'm a drake,
I'm a drake, and I think there's been a mistake!"

----------------------------

           >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<
                             Made In America
                            (Perhaps Texas?)

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My
people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris,
the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to
help you,"replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly!  I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in
diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and
called the President of Trojan.  "I need a favor, you've got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each
one."

------------------------------

           The Drunk

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit
too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you
aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD.. .
. . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

---------------------------------

           >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<
                                OUCH!!!!

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he ask's the bartender where's the
bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and
wonders what is going on in the bathroom.  A few minutes go by again and
everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the
bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the
drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's
all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."  With that, the
bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you
asshole!!!

-------------------------

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this
harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all
the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these
women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what
you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your
profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright, shoot his penis off!", said the
sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Alright, burn his penis off!", said
the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop
salesman!"

----------------------------

One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the
middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the
appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the
wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed
shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely
beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart
stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the
lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his
seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate", "but......"
stammers the driver, "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer".

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to
masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!" "but....." says the driver.
"Now...."

So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it again" demands the
highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing
(as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has
collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to
Inverness".


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 479 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/02/1998, 11:57 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: and more...

A pretty young lady was about to undergo minor surgery.  A nurse's aide
moved her from her bed to a trolley bed and wheeled her down the corridor to
the operating room.  The aide then left the young lady behind the door
outside the operating room while she checked to see if everything was ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approached the young lady, removed the
sheet, and performed a thorough examination of her naked body.  He then
walked away from the young lady and talked to another man in a white coat.
The second man then approached the young lady and performed the same
examination.  Both of the men then conferred with a third man in a white
coat and then the third man started to examine the young lady.

By now the young lady was becoming a little impatient and said, "All these
examinations are fine and I appreciate them, but when are you going to
perform the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and responded, "I have no
idea.  We're just painting the corridor......."

-----------------------

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to
pay  the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest.  Maybe you will run into a
couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later
came upon two men standing waist deep in the water.  He thought, "those
must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."  Just then, the
Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards
one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both
hands and strangled it to death with very little effort.  Then both Marines
dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.  Laying nearby were several
more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes
either!"

-------------------------

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex
products.  At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures
baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.  "The hiss
is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.  The
popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss,
hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states. "Yeah, but it's
great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

-------------------------

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.  The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed.   So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his
face.   He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe
that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.  So he crawls home
and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.  He crawls through
the door and up the stairs.  When he reaches his bed he tries one more time
to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So,  you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?"  he asks.
"The pub called,  you left your wheelchair there again."

=========================

An englishman, an irsihman, and a maori man are each convicted of taking
part in a particulary gruesome murder.  The judge decides to let then do a
little hard time. They are sentenced to life in prison, no parole, with the
first ten years in solitary with no human contact. However, the
greenie-fairy-leftie-doo-gooders hear of this and complain.  So to pacify
them, the judge decides that he will allow the criminals to take as much of
one luxury item as they like into the cells for their ten years.

The englishman decides to take whiskey, so they line the walls of the cell
with whiskey, Jim Beam, JD's, the works.  Then they lock him in, hang up
the key, and leave him there for his ten years. The irishman decides on
beer, so they truck in half a cell's worth of kegs of red, steinlager,
export, speights. You name it, he's got a keg of it.  Then they lock him
in, hang up the key, and leave him there for his ten years. The maori
decides on dope, so they truck in some dak from the coromandel, doobies,
joints, dry leaves, you name it, he's got it. Then they lock him in, hang
up the key, and leave him there for his ten years.

Well, the ten years goes by and it's time to let the criminals out of
solitary. The guards open up the englishman's cell.  He's long dead,
cirrhosis of the liver has claimed him with a vengeance. The irishman's
cell is open. Again, he's dead, bloated to a mammoth size from years of
guzzling beer from the tap. Then its the maori's turn.  They open up his
cell...  he turns to them and says

'Anybody got a light..????'.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 480 of 622                 Date: Sat 28/02/1998,  7:42 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: Muhahahaha

A young sailor, on a day's furlough, gets talking to a pretty girl in a
local bar. He ask her out for the afternoon, but she is already spoken
for. Noticing his crestfallen look, she tells him about a girlfriend of
her's that might be available.

`Her name is Franny' she tells him. `That's Fanny with an R, Franny'

The young sailor thanks her profusely, and with directions to her house,
he sets off to see Franny.

All the way over in the taxi, the young sailor keeps running Franny's
name through his mind.

`Fanny with an R, Franny'
`Fanny with an R, Franny'
`Fanny with an R, Franny'

As nervous as hell, he pays off the taxi driver, and starts to walk up
the steps leading to her front door.

`Fanny with an R, Franny'
`Fanny with an R, Franny'
`Fanny with an R, Franny'

Plucking up his courage, he knocks on the door.

`Fanny with an R, Franny'
`Fanny with an R, Franny'

The door is nearly torn off its hinges, as a large man yanks it open, a
scowl on his face.

`Waddaya want, punk?' he snaps.

The young sailor shits himself as his mind goes blank.

`..ahh..ahh..is Crunt, there?'

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 481 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/03/1998,  8:34 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
===================================

Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken,
       "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and
       there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
            chickens have to cross the road before you believe  it?

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
                  did *not* cross the road

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
                ever think to ask, "What the heck was this  *chicken* doing
                walking around all over the place  anyway?"

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
       road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
            not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important
            documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it
            divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But
              is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom
              we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
        in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross
        roads.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
                 chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him
                 and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
                         to cross  roads without having their motives
                         called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
         told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good
         enough for us.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
             The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there
             was.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
                 beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Harlan Sanders: I missed one?


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 482 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/03/1998,  8:36 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: Tech Nightmares!

One of our VP's had his admin. assistant go on maternity leave.  A temp was
called in to cover the period for which she was going to be gone.  There
was trouble from day one.

After explaining to her our environment she stated that she felt pretty
confident that she could "handle the fort because of the computer training
she had received. "

She called me back about a half hour later stating she was having problems
reading the program on a floppy she had been given to install on her
notebook.  She said that she had put the diskette in the drive and was not
able to access it.

I went to her work area and saw the PC she was running with.  As per our
standard, we use the external floppy to read diskettes.  I asked her for
hers but she said that she didn't have one.  I went to another user and got
his external floppy drive and plugged it in.

I asked her for the floppy so I could check it.  She proceeded then to
eject the CD rom bay and there on top was the floppy!!

So much for Computer Training....

------------------------------------------------------------

Tech support guy (me) talking to a customer at a radio station in Georgia:
Okay that should about fix our problems.  Now to finish off we need to
reboot your machine.
caller (older lady): Uh.  Okay.  How do I do that?
tech support guy: just press CTRL/ALT/DEL.
caller: press whu-at?
tech support guy: just press the ...  oh, well.  Just turn the machine off.
count to ten.  then turn it back on.
caller: hang on a minute.  let me get the disk jockey.

(several minutes on hold)

caller: Okay.  we turned the station's transmitter off and back on. now
what?
tech support guy: (unable to answer while rolling on the floor in laughter
and disbelief)

------------------------------------------------------------

I work for a major software manufacturer and thought I had heard some silly
things until I got this particular customer and then I *knew* I had heard
the best.

He called in with problems with his software.  He seemed a little less than
savvy so I was trying to be as specific and clear as possible. After a bit
of troubleshooting I realized that the behavior he was getting wasn't
indicative of a program-based problem and I thought that the issue might go
a bit deeper into problems with his Macintosh operating system.  At this
point I asked him, "This is really strange behavior you're getting here.
Tell me, has your computer crashed lately?"

After a long pause (*much* longer than necessary) he replied, "No. It's
been sitting here on my desk the whole time. "

Oy!

------------------------------------------------------------

Some users ...  you can't teach them.

It was going to be one of those days.  Someone was ringing for support just
as the first coffee of the morning was reaching my lips ...

"Hi Neil, we've got a printer problem in customer services. "

"OK.  I'll be along in a minute," I say.

"Well can you sort it out now?" the voice at the other end pleads.  "I need
to print this important report before nine. " (Yes, and I'd like to finish
my coffee in peace as well. )

Two minutes later I'm in the customer services office, coffee mug in hand.
The office has three PCs running WP5.1 for DOS and one laptop running MS
Office connected via an automatic switch to a laserjet printer.  The
problem is odd characters printing out from the manager's laptop.

"Hmmm," I ponder, after checking all the connections are up to scratch.
"Could be a corrupt printer driver.  Do me a favour and send something to
the printer from one of PCs. "

"OK," says the manager.

From the printer comes a page with one line of characters at the top,
'e^%&ftgi g96*^ 0'

"That's odd," I deduce - (thinking that this isn't going to be a five-
minute job).  "Can you send something again. "

"OK," replies the ever so helpful manager.

And again, from the printer, comes a page with one line of characters at
the top, to wit:

'e^%&ftgi g96*^ 0. '

After another 15-20 minutes passes while I check cables and printer set-up
- both laptop and desktop PC are still showing a similar fault. I then
remember my coffee.

"Bugger it," my annoyance really starting to show.  "My coffee must be cold
now.  Where did I leave it?"

"Over here," replies the ever, ever so helpful manager, pointing to the
desk by the door.  As I wander over, I happen to glance at the screen of
the PC he's been using whilst being ever, EVER so helpful in sending
something to the printer for me.  That something is one line of text, yes,
you guessed it ...  'e^%&ftgi g96*^ 0'

Of course it was all my fault.  I'd said 'send something down' thinking
he'd send a file, of course he just ran his fingers over the keyboard.

'Something' is such a technical word don't you think?

------------------------------------------------------------

I had a customer on the phone the other day with a old slow system. After
waiting a few minutes for it to boot up I finally decided to ask the
customer if she was up and operating yet.

ME: OK Ma'am are you at the Desktop yet?
HER: Desktop?? No I am in Philly!!

After few moments of my silent disbelief.  I knew she was very serious.

HER: Is that what you meant? I'm a little new to this.
ME: (to myself) No kidding.  I was going to ask for your resume.

That was about the most intelligant bit of info.  she gave me the entire
call.  I decided it was best not to even attempt to explain to her what I
really meant.

------------------------------------------------------------

We use the customer's phone number as a way of linking to their database
record, so the first question we ask is, "May I have your phone number?"

One customer replied, "Sure," and proceded to type her phone number on the
telephone keypad! After the beeps ended I thought, "Ok, simple mistake,
I'll try again. "

So I said, "I'm sorry, but could you speak the number into the phone?" She
said "Ok," and entered her phone number into the keypad again! I was in for
a long call...

------------------------------------------------------------

While working as second-line LAN support: Clueless helpdesk operator: There
was a call yesterday after you left, user reported 'hard disk is full error
message', do you know what the problem is?

me: The hard disk is full
operator: Where is it full?
me: (trying to keep a straight face) Well, all over really...

------------------------------------------------------------

I was given a call for someone in our building that had an excessively
noisy a: drive, also the little button won't come out.  I went to the
customer's desk assuming that I would have to do the usual and remove a
paperclip, staple, or some of the other normal items.  I inspected the a:
drive a standard 3.5, and could see no problems. Therefore, I booted up the
PC, while watching and listening very carefully.  Nothing, it seemed to
work fine, and in fact during the POST routine check seemed very quiet.
Thinking that a head could be out of alignment I inserted a new, blank
floppy, nothing; formatted, nothing, quite smooth; tried copying files to
and erasing from, no problem, still quiet.

I was about to give up when the person finally arrived at the office and
came in, I calmly asked the exact circumstances of the problem. She had
been reading a file from the floppy with explorer, when finished she
removed the diskette, but the button wouldn't come back out, and the next
she started explorer the a: drive made a lot of noise.

Trying my very best not to laugh, I explained to her that these things were
normal, and that everything should work fine now.  I hadn't laughed yet,
but when the guy at the next cubicle stood up and said "Yeah, I was gonna
tell you that yesterday, but you seemed too upset to believe me!", I beat a
hasty retreat with my hand pretending to cover a bad cough.

------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: "It's Mrs X here.  I purchased a PC from you about 3 days ago. "
Tech: "Yes, I can remember that. "
Customer: "Well, I left the computer on last night and went away for about
half an hour.  When I came back, my PC had a virus! I'm too scared to turn
it back on!"

(Addendum, we check our PCs and pre-load antivirus software from a CDROM
disc.  This was our first person who claimed to have a 'VIRUS').

Tech: "Have you by any chance accepted software from anyone in the last 24
hours?"
Customer: "No, I've been playing Solitaire. "
Tech: "Fine, was there any messages on the screen depicting saying 'Your PC
is infected' or the like?"
Customer: "No, these little bugs began to appear and started to eat leaves.
I just screamed and turned off the computer, I'm too scared in case I've
broken something!"
Tech: "What you have discovered is what we call a Screen Saver.  Those bugs
that eat leaves are totally harmless. And no, your PC has not got a virus."

Addendum: We install additional screen savers as part of a CD we compile
with useful bits of shareware.

The BUGS screensaver was a commonly used saver as most people saw the
humourous concept of a "Bug in the system".

------------------------------------------------------------

I received a call from a woman who claimed that when she put the cd- rom in
her cd-rom drive, that it vibrated rather violently..  so much so, that she
said it shook her entire table and chair! Having seen some cd's
manufactured "out of round" or misbalanced, I just assumed that the fact
that it had shaken her entire table and chair was just some wild
embellishment.  I asked her to remove the cd from the cd-rom drive and she
quickly said that she had already done so after it started vibrating so
bad, when just then her call waiting kicked in...

"be right back" she said...
"ok.. " I said.

When she returned, she said the person calling was her father on the other
side of town, and just wanted to make sure she was alright being that an
earthquake had just taken place.

------------------------------------------------------------

Once while helping a woman to eradicate an error she was receiving while
using the CD-ROM software, we asked her to disable any TSR programs which
might be loading in her startup files.  We then asked her to reboot her
computer.  She shut windows95 down and as it instructs, she turned the
machine off, waited a few seconds and began to reboot it.  However, after a
few seconds into the boot, the computer just shut itself off.  She
mentioned that the power went out in her apartment as well.  Looking out
the window, she noticed the power was out on her entire block.

"My husband's going to kill me"...  she said...

------------------------------------------------------------

A man calls us claming his brand new pc is badly built and is not working
properly.  He has bought it the day before and we are very surprised.  I
ask the man whats wrong and he says - one or more lamps are not connected
right or have odd behaviour, we ask him to bring the computer and will fix
it for him...  He comes back, we start the computer and instantly he cries
out look there it goes again its a glitch with that lamp!

- It's the harddisk LED........

------------------------------------------------------------

In the old days, when complete programs fit on to one floppy disk, we kept
getting complaints from one of our customers.  We exchanged faulty
diskettes three or four times, after receiving a new one he'd call back
shortly after saying he kept getting read errors.  So finally I went over
to his site ...  just to see that he stored his floppies using magnets
attached to a magnetic pinboard.

------------------------------------------------------------

We're an ISP Helpdesk and last week a guy here had to help a lady with a
problem on her Macintosh:

Tech: "Okay, hold down the Apple key and press F. "

Lady: "It doesn't come up like you said it would, it just beeps!"

Tech: "Are you sure you're holding down the key with the Apple on it while
pressing F?"

Lady: *sound of grunting as she presses the Apple key with great gusto*
"I'm sure, the key at the top of the keyboard, but it's not working!"

Wait..  Key at the top of the keyboard?

Turned out the lady was pushing the Apple emblem at the top of her
keyboard, which wasn't a key at all.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Another subsidery of this financial company was further up the north on
England.  In one corner of the office was a rack of modems.  Now we are all
familiar with the phone call that goes "My bit of kit.  has blown up". 
Meaning it has stopped working.  I had another phone call from this
customer who, I must add, was quite technical and usually gave a good
technical description of the problem.

Customer: Our modem rack has blown up.
Me: OK, but what is the actual problem.
Customer: The modem rack has blown up.
Me: Yes I understand the modem rack isn't working but I need more of a
problem description.
Customer: The modem rack has REALLY blown up, they heard the bang two
floors below.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 483 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/03/1998,  8:38 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: More Tech Tales :>

There is a story that I heard 5 years ago, when I started doing network
support.  A tech was helping a customer work on his network. It seems the
computers were not communicating all the time.

After some time the customer mentioned that the 2 computers were in
different building and had run the coax cable between them.  The tech
proceeded to explain why this was not a good idea by explaining ground
loops etc.  While doing so he (the tech) could hear what sounded like a
roar in the background.  All of a sudden he heard "oh #$%@!" and the
customer dropped the phone.

When the customer came back,he then said "never mind" about fixing the
computers.  It seems the customer was on the 2nd floor and had run the coax
cable out the window, across the alley into the other building.

The roar the tech heard was a trash truck coming down the alley. The trash
truck caught the cable and pulled both computers out the window. Problem
solved...

--------------------------------------------------------

Tech support, may I help you?

Yeah, I bought a computer from you today and when I turn it on my monitor
says "No signal"

Are your cables hooked up properly and securely?

I'll check and call you back.


(Later)Yeah, I called earlier and my monitor still says no signal.

Well Sir, I don't know what to tell you, maybe the video card went bad or
came loose during transit, bring the computer by the store and we'll take a
look at it.

(Later)yeah, I called earlier and my computer is fine now.

Oh, what happened?

Well, my 4 year old daughter was looking at the back of the computer and
said "Daddy, don't you need to plug in the computer?"

--------------------------------------------------------

The small computer company I once worked for was partially owned by a very
wealthy but extremely flaky man named John (name changed to protect the
idiot). John was also a minor partner in a very successful environmental
controls company, and we got a lot of crossover business from them,
especially for network hardware.

One day, he called me up:

John:"I need some wire"
Me:"That's no problem- go to the hardware store."
John:"No.  I need you to get me some wire."
Me:"What kind of wire? What are you using it for?"
John:"For computers." (ever the conversationalist, he was)
Me:"OK, John.  No problem.  What kind of network cards are you using?"
John:"I don't know.  Just get me some wire."

(At this point I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming)

Me:"John, is Doug around right now? I need to find out what size wire I
need to order." (Doug is their top networking specialist.)
John:"No, he's out.  Look, why is this so tough for you? Just get me
some &*$# wire, OK?"

I patiently explained to him how there are many different types of network
cable,and I couldn't order it unless I knew what type of network card he
was using. He said he'd check it out and call me back.

Three hours later, as I was about to close the shop, I received a call from
Doug, their head tech: He told me to come down to the office of one of
their clients as soon as I could.  There was something I just HAD to see
for myself, he said.

He met me at the door.  "Come take a peek at what John did today.", he
said.  "Maybe you can come up with an idea of what I'm gonna tell the other
bosses, while you're at it."

It was like walking into a little corner of Hell.  Every one of the dozen
or so computers was merrily smoking away.

"Doug", I asked, trying not to laugh, scream, and cry at the same time,
"did John call you and tell you to call me back today?"

"Nope.  Now I wish to hell he had." He looked faint.  We were looking at
about $60,000 damage here.

I picked up one of the CPU cases for a closer look.  It was a ruin. Before
we both went into absolute hysterics, I think I got in the last words:

"What kind of utter moron would try to hook up a network using SPEAKER
WIRE?!?!??" (He hadn't even connected it to the network cards.  I suppose
he thought the video cards would do - maybe he thought they WERE network
cards.)

They say money can't buy happiness.  I don't care about that.I only wish it
could buy people brains.

Even so, if John bought a second brain, it would probably die of loneliness!

--------------------------------------------------------

I currently work in Tech Support for a major Canadian ISP, but before I
began my current job I worked as a salesperson/technician for a small
computer store; so small, in fact, was one of only two employees.

My counterpart was a middle-aged woman who had apparently spent "10 years
as a programmer", so OF COURSE she knew what she was doing!

I came into the store one day and overheard my sales associate (whom we
will call Miss P.  to protect the fact that she was a total ignoramus)
engaged in the following conversation:

Customer: I just moved into an old house and it's only got these little
two-prong outlets.  The computer you guys sold me has three prongs on the
cord.  What do I do?
Miss P.: No problem, sir.  just go to the hardware store and get a
three-pronged outlet.They sell them everywhere.  Switch it for the
two-pronged outlet and you're in business.

The customer left before I could catch him.  I turned to my associate and
asked her precisely what she thought the third prong on the outlet was for.

Miss P.: Well, that's obvious! It's to help keep the plug from falling out
of the wall!
Me: You idiot! The third prong is for grounding the outlet! Without
grounding the power supply his computer will turn into a puddle of molten
plastic the minute he gets a big power spike! You might want to call him up
and let him know that!

Two days later we had a major thunderstorm, and the next day the same
customer returned with his computer - which was a burned out wreck from a
major surge.  I spent a good half hour explaining to my boss what had
happened, and we wound up eating the cost of a major overhaul of the
customer's machine, none of which was borne by Miss P., the guilty party.

As a result of other mishaps, Miss P.  stayed where she was, I got promoted
above her to assistant manager, and the rest should have been history.
Little did I know....

A few months later, after Miss P. was given a crash course on computer
hardware by one of our suppliers (it was either that or kill her for
wrecking their carefully-handmade systems), I chanced to witness the
following:

Customer: I've only got two-pronged outlets in my house.  How do I plug
this thing in? The cord won't fit!
Miss P.: No problem.  I'll come out and fix it for you.

(Why the company owners let her handle TOOLS has always remained a mystery
even to this day!)

Two days later the customer decided to upgrade his RAM from 8MB to 32MB.
Since he had arrived on my shift, I did the install for him. When I told
him I would just plug it in to test the memory, he told me to wait a moment
so he could get the proper power cord.

Me:"What do you mean?"
Customer:"Your other technician said I needed this cord to make it work in
my house. Nothing else fits into the wall."

I was hit by a nasty sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  "This I
gotta see.  Bring it on in!", I said.

He went out to his car and returned with his power cord - which had had the
third (ground) prong trimmed off neatly snipped off by Miss P.'s needlenose
pliers! (Later I recalled that she'd had to buy a new set after that
service call.)

The customer hired an electrician to install a grounded outlet, and I spent
a good part of my next shift explaining to the owners why I was there
working at the shop instead of Miss P., when it was her shift. They took
the news of her immediate dismissal quite well.

The last I heard, Miss P.  went into the computer consulting business for
herself.....She's now over $40,000 in debt for lawyer's fees, because she's
been sued more than a dozen times for gross negligence and breach of
contract.

The more things change.......

--------------------------------------------------------

I ran a University Macintosh outlet for some years.

We used to get our share of flakey support queries, but the one against
which we benchmarked all others was the person who waited for 15 minutes to
ask the following question:

"What do I do when my mouse reaches the edge of the mouse mat?"

After this, all silly questions were henceforth referred to as
"mousemat questions"



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 484 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/03/1998,  8:41 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: And more...

I am a doctor who now works for a PR agency and also handles their IT
problems.

Recently, I have introduced the company to the Internet, but some of our
machines had puny hard drives and we were unable to install Internet
Explorer.

One particularly demanding Swiss girl came to me and said "Clinton, I want
you to put the internet on my computer."

"No."
"WHY NOT?"
"It's not big enough"
"But" she says while making a wide motion with her arms, "it's as big as
the others."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I hurried to a secretary who complained that a floppy was stuck in her
Thinkpad. I arrived with a replacement floppy drive and she pointed to her
portable PC. I approached the Thinkpad and took a closer look at the floppy
drive.. Pressed the eject button - nothing..

Me: "Ehhh, lady.. There's no disk in this drive!!"
Her: "Oh, that's why I couldn't get it out"

DUH!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Whilst working for a diddy little ISP in Britain I had a call from a
customer:

'Good Morning customer services how can I help'

'Yeah hope you can. Right I've got my computer, modem, and account set up
with yourselves now how do I get on-line'

Nice easy one I thought, 'Ok then load up your Internet Software and click
on connect and enter the relevant log on details'

'Well yeh, I've done all that but nothing happens'

'Ok then, I take it that you've connected your modem to the phone line?'

'Well how do I do that then?'

'Take the phone cable from the modem and connect it to your phone socket,
it'll be somewhere near a power point'

'Right, How do I get the phone cable to stretch to the call box?'

???????

------------------------------------------------------------------

Whilst working in tech support for a major Teco in Australia a colleague of
mine took a call from a rather confussed customer whose grasp of the
English language was less than ideal.

"Hello Sir, I understand you are experiencing difficulties with your mobile
phone."

"Yes my phone he sings to me."

"I am sorry sir how do you mean your phone sings to you?"

"Whenever I try to dial out he sing a song to me."

My colleague now very confussed pressed on.

"Perhaps you could sing the song to me sir?"

"Yes, he sing DO DO DO, DO DO DO."

A very good impression of an engaged tone.  This call became legend very
quickly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I work on a helpdesk dept, one day a lady calls and says my printer is not
working, I asked her what operating system she was using, I said are you
using Microsoft Windows, she said I dont know..I said have you got a mouse
on your desk. Thank god no, this is a very clean office...she replied.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Being in the technical industry, and having done tech support, I have seen
and heard a lot.

One tale I fondly recall came from a friend in the LAN support department
about "solar panels."  One day, a client ordered a bunch of SGI Mainframes
for his new site in Northern Virginia.  He didn't give us a delay date, so
when we called to tell him when delivery was, he informed us that the
computer room had been changed, but he didn't know where yet.  He
instructed us to install the equipment in the current computer room, and
then when they moved, they would simply unplug everything and move it.  We
left strict instructions on how to do this, how to reboot the EPS (the
backup power supply in case the power fails), and so on.  The client
fancied himself the computer guru in the office, and despite his arrogant
self-boasting without much know-how to back it up, he agreed to do what we
asked.

Weeks later, this man calls back, furious.  He told us they moved the
computers, and the EPS won't power up, and the mainframes are hooked in
such a way that they will not work unless the EPS is running.  We went
through the usual questions, "Are you sure it's plugged in?" and so on. 
The man was livid we asked him that question, demanding to know how stupid
we thought he was.  "I am looking right at them right now, and they are
plugged in, but when I flip the switch, nothing, nada, nothing works!!!"
After explaining we'd have to charge him for a tech person to come look at
it if wasn't our fault, he said he knew it wasn't his fault.

The tech drove down, and they were plugged in, all right to a power strip
that was not plugged in.  The man felt silly, and apologized, but lost his
grace the second he got the $300 bill for a tech to show up.  After
complaining to the boss about us ripping him off, we hoped we'd heard the
last of him.  But you know we didn't, or I wouldn't be sending this.

He calls back a week later, so angry, he didn't make sense for the first
few minutes.  He cursed a tech out, demanded to speak to the president of
our company (who was in the room at the time, and after he heard a
recording of the call said, "I'm not speaking to that man! He insulted one
of our best techs, and I'm sure not going to make anything any better if I
have anything to say with him!").  After dealing with a suddenly-appointed
"tech director," he said that the solar panels on the computers were
faulty, and demanded all new mainframes at no cost to him.  These were
special order items, and took months for SGI to make them, and so we asked
for a tech to come down and look at it.  He agreed, but would not let us
try and fix the problem over the phone, he wanted the tech and the "tech
director" to come down in person right now!  So, we packed two people
together in a company van, and they went down to the site.

After speaking with this person for over an hour, he explained the "solar
panels" (the smoked glass in the computer cabinets) were running out of
power in the dark.  They would work from three hours, and then die.  When
the tech explained to the man that there was no such thing, he said he'd
been in the business for 30 years blah blah blah.  The tech looked at the
computers, logs, and sure enough, at about 10pm, they shut down due to "EPS
halt" errors.  That error only occurs when the power has been out for so
long, the EPS ran out of backup power.  It turns out that the mainframes
were plugged into the light switch in the computer room.  When the last
employee left at 7pm, he shut off the lights.  The EPS would go on, but
could only supply 3 hours worth of power before shutting down.  This gave
the illusion that the computers ran out of power in a dark room.

For about a year, we had a cartoon of the man with a solar panel on his
head (connected to a lightbulb in his brain) and a cloud over the sun with
the caption, "Does not work in low light."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Years ago, I heard this little tale from a friend who worked for a major
office systems company.

A company ordered Dell mainframes, and had about a year of trouble- free
service.  Then, one day, his mail server went down.  He called us, because
his package was supposed to boot itself back up in case of failure, but
this time, it didn't.  You'd reboot it, and it would ask for a systems disk.

We suspected corrupt software, and reinstalled Windows NT and the mail
programs, and that fixed the problem.  Then, another went down, same
problem.  We did a "D&R", fixed.  Then it happened again.  And again. The
problem seemed to spread, and after a lot of site visits, the pattern was 2
or 3 would go down a night, all in the same general area.  We tried
replacing hardware, trying newer software, and the only thing that seemed
to work was actually moving the machines to a different area.  But the
machines we put it their place would go down. The area was a locked room
that the only people that had access was two techs, both who swore on their
honor they weren't doing anything. This company, fearing a virus or a
break-in,  launched an investigation that ended up being a massive
inconvenience to everyone in their office.  The problem kept happening.
Dell tried their best to help us, and finally the customer was speaking to
Dell directly. We feared losing the account, but Dell pulled a rabbit out
of their hat.

One of their techs, on a hunch, searched for a file called something like
QKENTFIX.DLL.

Sure enough, they were always on the machines that went down during the
night.  He suggested buying a Quick Cam, and leaving it on pointed at the
machines.  Sure enough, around midnight, it captured two people at machines
that went down the next morning.

What was it hunch?  This was a file that allowed people to play Quake over
the type of network this client had.  Only due to the specific
configuration we had, it actually overwrote an obscure Windows DLL file
that the mail program needed at bootup.  The two strangers would install
Quake, install the "fix", reboot the machine, play Quake, delete all
evidence (so they thought), and then reboot the machine again.  But the
uninstaller for the "fix" would leave that one file, and since it corrupted
the system software, NT would reboot, looking for the correct file (which I
think as needed to boot the mail server software).

Who were the two strangers?  Two tech-wanna be guards for the building our
client leased from.  It turns out they have a full set of keys for every
office, and was using our client's computer room to play Quake from
midnight to 4am.

Dell told us the problem was not as uncommon as they'd like.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I work as a tech and we had a call from some woman who said that the disks
that we sent her did not work any more, when I asked her had she left them
near anything hot? etc.. She replied no, they stopped working after I put
some labels on them.

Labels I said.

Yes, She replied, I put the labels on the disk and then put the disks
in to my typewriter!!!!!

Doh!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a senior tech for an ISP's Tech Support, but when I started this job I
got my "baptism of fire" with this call...

Me: Technical Support, can I help you?
Caller (Irate!!!): Yeah, how come you guys keep turning my computer on and
off??!!
Me (boggle): "Turning it on and off?" Do you mean your modem is
disconnecting?
Caller: No, I'm saying you guys are shutting my computer down and then
turning it back on!  This happens whenever I surf the Net
Me: Describe exactly what happens
Caller: Well, I could be sitting here reading a page on Netscape when all
the sudden my screen goes dead! Then, when I type a key, it comes back on!!

*At this point I shook my head, rolled my eyes heavenward, and explained to
the gentleman the concept of a screen saver that was set to "Blank Screen"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

About a week ago, I talked to this lady that was literally in tears because
she couldn't connect to our internet service.  I don't understand, she
wept, my computer keeps telling me "PPP timout".  Me thinking that it had
to do with the way MacPPP was configured, had her tell me all of the
settings to make sure everything was configured OK. It was.

Then I asked her if she had her Modem plugged in to her phone jack.
"Modem????...Hmmmmm I don't think I have one of those out here in my car. 
I thought the whole idea of buying my self a laptop, was to get rid of all
of these dang plugs.  She later canceled her services, saying she'd find
another ISP, that didn't require the use of a "modem".

Good Luck :?)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was working as the lead Macintosh support person for a very well
known computer & software retailer we sometimes gave the customer the term
"ID ten T error" to our dismay.  Noone ever understood what it meant. If
you write it down it looks something like this: "ID10T ERROR". We always
had a good laugh and then proceeded to help the customer any way we could!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I would actually like some help.
I have been unable to read from my Cd Rom drive.
The dealer told me 'Win95' will find that missing drive for you.

I went to Win95 and sure enough it promised to restore my CD Rom drive if I
would 'run win95 C.D.from the cd drive'

Catch 22 or what!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A few years back, I was a Support Engineer for a major spreadsheet app, and
got a call from a nice gentleman, who introduced himself as the parish
priest from a local church.  He explained his problem in a calm and
thorough manner, and after asking him a few questions, I knew exactly how
to handle his problem, a common one for this app.

As with many Tech Support departments, we had documents identifed by
numbers from 100 to over 1000 on a fax service, and I instantly knew which
one he would need.

"Sir, we have detailed instructions on a macro which will solve this
problem for you, you need merely call our 800 number, enter the document
number, and follow the instructions."

"Very well." He said.  "What is the document number?"

"That would be Tech Info Document number six hundred-sixty-uh-six."

"Oh my!" He said.

"Eeyeah." I said.

He thanked me for my time, and hung up.  As far as I know, he never called
back, his problem solved one way or another...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I support a DOS program, but we have (obviously) a lot of Windows 95
clients, many of whom are very new to computers.

While setting up a Windows 95 desktop shortcut for our program, the
following occurred :

Tech   : "Move the mouse to the position on the screen where you want the
icon to be, then right-click on the screen. A menu will appear."

Client : "I don't see any menu."

Tech   : "Did you right-click the screen?"

Client : "I'll try again" (sounds of keys being hit on other side of phone)
         "Still no menu"

Tech   : "OK, instead of TYPING THE WORD CLICK, why don't you press the
right mouse button....."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A customer had a problem reading a diskette with some very important
information on it, of which this was her only copy. After determining that
the drive itself was ok, we suggested that she make a copy of it and send
it to us, andwe would recover what we could from it.

Several days later, in the mail, came a Xerox copy of her diskette!.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I received a call from a customer who was told to download a file from our
Bulletin Board System. He called and complained that there was something
wrong with the BBS. I asked him what the problem was, if he was able to
connect. He said, I dial the number but it sounds like a modem or
something...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Cust: There is a failure while running on Windows NT.
Support: Sir, would that be NT Server or NT WorkStation ?
Customer: Well ... it is a big box ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I work for an ISP, and we got this call...
"Hello, Tech Support, can I help you?"
"Yeah, this thing won't connect."
"Is it Windows 95?"
"Yes."
"What error message did you get when trying to connect?"
"Incompatible set of Network Protocols, I believe,"
"Great.  That should be an easy one to fix..."

Oh, how little we know.  Our standard procedure for fixing that particular
error was to reinstall Dial-Up Networking, reconfigure the TCP/IP stack,
and go.  99 percent of the time, it works.  Not today. I ended up
reinstalling DUN about four times, and each time, I would get the same
error message as before.

"OK, sir, let's try this."
"What, another one?"
"Yes, sir."  I took him to the connection properties for his DUN connectoid.
"OK, sir, let's try and slow it down, maybe we can get the equipment to
connect at a lower speed."
"Sound pretty good, let's try it."

45 minutes and ten call-backs (the guy only had one phone line, so I had to
hang up in between each try) later, we had set his modem to 9600, no data
compression, no error control, terminal window upon login, no flow control,
no FIFO buffers, no ANYTHING.  And still, the same message again and again.
I was pretty frustrated, and so was my customer.  I mumbled, "Sir, do you
have a chainsaw or an axe handy?"
"Yes, I do, in fact.  Do you think that might help?"
"OK, here's what you do.  We'll set all the settings back the way they were
when we started, you go get the axe and threaten the computer after we hang
up.  Make them good ones, ones that would scare Saddam Hussein into a
quivering puddle of Jell-O."
"I can do that; I used to be a DI in the Army."
"Great.  Let's give it a shot."

We set his DUN settings back to normal, he got the axe.
We hung up, he evidently said some nasty things to his machine after
he rebooted it, and lo and behold, it worked.
He connected at full speed, no problems.
He called back about ten minutes later after disconnecting.
"Sir?" I said, "Did it work?"
"Perfectly.  I've never seen faster Internet service. Thanks for the tip,
I'll keep that one in mind."
"Glad we could help sir," and then we hung up.
Then I fell down on the floor laughing. Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------------

This happened a couple of years ago, while I was working at a cellular
phone company in upstate New York...

I received a call from a user in the customer support dept. She said: "My
computer won't work....I think it's the mouse." Amazed by this lady's
problem resolution skills, I told her "It is highly unlikely, that your
mouse would cause your whole computer to stop working", however, I said I
would drop by her desk to investigate the problem.

I got to her desk and sure enough, her computer was dead. Turned on the
power switch and nothing happens. Checked the tangle of cords behind the
computer to confirm that the power cord was plugged in to the PC. It was.
Hmmm? I visually traced the tangle of cords to the power strip and it was
plugged in there too.

I said: "I thought that perhaps you had inadvertently turned off the power
strip..." and she says "No. I know about the power strip. I turn the
machine off with it, instead of turning off every part of the computer
individually. That was something (another techie) had taught me a while
ago....." "Very good!" I said, "You see? Technology really does make our
lives easier." ;}

With all power connections confirmed, my only thought was her power supply
had pooched, so I got on the phone to see if we had a replacement unit in
stock.

While I'm on the phone ordering her power supply, she's in the background
telling me she *really* thinks it's the mouse. I finished ordering the part
and got off the phone, gently explaining to her "there was no power to the
PC even though it was correctly plugged in everywhere.....it *wasn't* a
mouse problem...I'll be back in a couple of hours with a replacement power
supply".

Two hours later, I came back with her replacement power supply and began
the work of liberating her PC from under her desk. I pulled the PC out far
enough that I could get back behind it and disconnect all the cables. To my
surprise, I found the power cord attached to the PC, but about 20" away
from that the cord had been completely severed! So I'm sitting under her
desk with this puzzled look on my face, staring at the free end of her
power cord.

She said: "See! It was the mouse!"
I say: "Huh?"
She says: "That damn mouse! It's been chewing on everything here. It even
ruined a pair of shoes I leave under my desk!"

Upon closer inspection of the power cord, I find that the woman was right.
The severed end had been chewed by a mouse (or rat, I'm not sure). The
thing had the jaws to chew completely through a power cord! Well, I have to
tell you that this one cost me lunch that day, just to make it up to the
woman. She was right. It was the mouse. Go figure!

P.S: I ammended our call ticket app. as a result of this call. When anyone
calls saying they think it's a mouse problem, we ask them "How many buttons
does your mouse have?" If they say "One" it's a MAC, if they say "Two" or
"Three" it's a PC. If they say "None, just four feet" we call the
exterminator Smile
Reply
#32
HUMOURMsg # 485 of 622                 Date: Mon  2/03/1998,  1:53 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 9 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>

Q. What's big, green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?

A. Elephant boogers.


Q. What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A. Cinderelephant.


Religious Jokes:
================

q. Who was the first computer operator?
a. Eve.  She had an Apple in one hand and a Joystick in the other.


"Someone stole my bike," complained a priest to his minister friend.

"Bring up the ten commandments in your sermon tomorrow, and as soon as you
mention 'thou shalt not steal' the guilty party will come forward," the
minister said confidently.

The next day the priest visited the minister and happily reported he'd found
his bike.  "Yes," he went on, "when I came to 'thou shalt not commit
adultery, I remembered where I'd left it."


q. What do you call a nun in a blender?
a. Twisted sister.


Three men die and go to heaven.  One by one they are interviewed by Saint
Peter, who asks the first man how many times he's had sex.

"Never.  I'm a virgin," is the first guys' answer.  Saint Peter gives him a
Mercedes Benz to get around in, and poses the same question to the second
man.  "Only once," he says, "on my wedding night."  Giving him the keys to a
Toyota, Saint Peter turns and asks the third man how often he's had sex in
his life.  "I've gotten laid so many times I've lost count,"  the fellow
confeses.  And Saint Peter gives him a bicycle.

Not too much later the first man is tooling around in his Mercedes Benz when
he sees something so extraordinary that he turns his head to look, something
so shocking that he is unable to avert his gaze.  He crashes headlong into a
tree, and when he comes to, in Heaven hospital, the angel doctors and police
are standing by his bedside, waiting to find out what caused the accident.
"It was shocking... Simply shocking," whispers the poor man.  "I... I... I
saw Pope John Paul on roller skates!"





--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 486 of 622                 Date: Mon  2/03/1998,  2:03 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: The Shit List.

THE SHIT LIST
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clean Shit - That's the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Shit - That's the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still
feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your  butt and
your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.

Second Wave Shit - It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your
pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some  more.

Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Shit or Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit
- That's the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you
practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Shit - The kind where you shit so much you lose 30
kilograms.

Corn Shit - Self explanatory.

Lincoln Log Shit - The kind of shit that is so huge, that you're afraid to
flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet
brush.

Drinkers Shit - The kind of shit that you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on
the bottom of the toilet.

"Gee, I Wish I Could Shit" Shit - The kind where you want to shit but all
you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit - That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that
you swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit or The Power Dump - That's the kind that comes out your ass
so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Shit - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the  whole
time chronically burning your anus.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 487 of 622                 Date: Mon  2/03/1998,  2:07 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 9 times

     To: All
Subject: The Top Ten :>

The Top Signs that you've watched too much Star Trek:
=====================================================

... You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned
Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
... You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
... You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
Enterprise.
... Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and
torture you for information.
... You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew
while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
... You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek?  Isn't that
the one with Luke Skywalker?"
... You recognise more than 4 references on this list.


Top Bumperstickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise
===========================================

... Our other starship seperates into 3 pieces!
... Honk if you've slept with Commander Riker!
... Guns don't kill people... Class 2 Phasers do!
... Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!
... Caution... We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
... Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
... Wesley on Board!


Best Bumpersticker on Borg Ship:  Blonde Borgs have the same fun.


Surefire signs that Star Trek is taking over your life:
=======================================================

... Saying 'Make it so' in casual conversation.
... Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and
tritanium.
... Ability to use 'variable phase inverter' in a sentence without excessive
thought first.
... Have figured out the stardate system.
... Scanning shelves at local liquor store for Synthehol.
... Memorisation of the crew's authorisation codes.
... Forgetting that present-day elevators don'thave voice interface.
... Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise
from the Franklin Mint.
... Understanding Klingon.
... Lecturing a science professor on how transporters work.
... Playing fizzbin and understanding it.


Things that never happen in Star Trek:
======================================

... The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
... The enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all
perfectly alright.
... Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
... The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
... The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which
the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
... The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
... The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP fromone place to
another without a serous incident.
... An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
the Enterprises' computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring
the right leads.
... A power surge onthe bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
... The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which
does not put them on trial.
... The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which
they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
... The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called 'Paradise' where
everyone is happy all of the time.
... A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
... The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in
some way unconnected with the late 20th Century.
... Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and
isn't tragically seperated from her at the end of the episode.
... Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
... the warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out
after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
... Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git,
and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a
change.
... Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being
able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences
that anyone says to him.


The favorite activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
================================================

... Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, than smacking himself on the
forehead and saying "I could have had a beer!
... Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge.
... Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
... Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick
Hertz is there.
... Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her 'a
REAL Picard Maneuver.
... Telling crewmembers in menacing Dirty Harry voice, 'Go ahead.  Make it
so.'
... Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
beams back up.


Fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
================================================

... Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft.
... Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data.
... Giving Worf a nuggie.
... Ordering a pizza from Domino's, then going 30 minutes into the future
just to piss them off.  (Ha ha!  Free Pizza!)
... Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during
self-destruct sequence.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 488 of 622                 Date: Sat  7/03/1998,  2:51 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 9 times

     To: All
Subject: Yee..ouch!

Three adventurers are captured by a primitive tribe.

The village chief has them tied to a stake and the whole tribe is
circling them.

The chief says to the first captive:

`You have choice, death or bungee!'

The whole tribe starts chanting `bungee...bungee...bungee'

The chap thinks that death is a bit extreme so he selects bungee.

`bungee...bungee...bungee' roar the tribe.

Out of this hut walks a pygmy with the biggest %$#@'n chopper the
captive has ever seen in his life.

The chief unties him from the stake and drags him over to a log,
strapping him down to it with his naked arse in the air.

Bungee shags the poor fellow. When Bungee is finished the chief unties
him and says `you free to go'. The poor bugger staggers off into the
bush holding his arse.

The chief walks back over to the other two still tied to the stake.
He nods at the second chap.

`You have choice, death or bungee!'

`bungee...bungee...bungee' scream the tribe.

The poor bastard has already seen what he's in for, but he too would
like to live a little longer, so he selects bungee.

`bungee...bungee...bungee' howl the tribe.

The pygmy with the %$#@'n big chopper walks back out of his hut and
shags the guy silly. The chief unstraps him from the log and says `you
free to go'.  Bleeding but free the poor bugger staggers off into the
bush holding his arse.

The chief walks up to the remaining prisoner.

`You have choice, death or bungee'

`bungee...bungee...bungee' cry the tribe.

The prisoner, an American, shouts at the chief

`No $#%@ing way is no %$#@'n pygmy gonna %$#@ me, I'll take death!'

The whole tribe go into a frenzy and start screaming

`Death by bungee...death by bungee'

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 489 of 622                 Date: Sat  7/03/1998, 10:50 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: (groan)

An eskimo woman is driving along the road when her car starts to belch
smoke.
She pulls into the next garage she sees, and gets a mechanic to take a
look at it for her.
While he's under the bonnet, she goes inside to get something nice to
eat.
As she walks back out, the mechanic saunters up to her and says

`Madam, it looks as if you've blown a seal!

The woman's face goes bright red

`..ah, no, I've just finished eating an icecream!'
---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 490 of 622                 Date: Tue 10/03/1998,  3:13 am  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 9 times

     To: All
Subject: Jean Genie

A middle-aged man is walking along the beach in Florida, when he happens
to chance upon a bottle washed ashore.

He picks it up and begins to wipe the sand off when all of a sudden a
genie pops out in a large puff of smoke.

The genie eyes him nastily.

`Now look here you bugger, I'm sick and tired of giving people three
wishes, so you only get one!' he snarls.

The man gets over his surprise quickly and begins to think.

"Well...I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm too scared to fly
and I get violently seasick so sailing there is out of the question.."

`Hurry up, damn your eyes!' roars the genie.

"Ok..ok!" the man retorts. "I'd like you to build a bridge from here to
Hawaii so I can drive over".

The genie begins shaking his head...

`No way, man, do you realise how much concrete it would take to build a
bridge that long, how many men I would need to work on it, isn't there
anything else you would like?'

The man run his toes through the sand, deep in thought.

"Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know.." he began.

`Hurry..UP!' the genie cried.

"..Tell me what it is that makes a woman tick!" he asked.

The man jumped back, as the genie threw himself to the ground, screaming
and pounding his head against the sand.

The genie abruptly ceased moaning, rolled over onto his back and stared
up at the man....

`How many lanes do you want..2 or 4?!'

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 491 of 622                 Date: Sun 15/03/1998,  9:52 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: Pepe'

An Australian walks into a cantina in Mexico, to quench his thirst.

There is only one other patron, way down the other end of the bar.

Our Aussie friend buys himself a beer

`..and one for the other fellow' he tells the barman.

As he walks down to the other drinker, he notices that he has tears
running down his face.

He slides a beer in front of the man

`Wots wrong, cobber'

The man looks up at him, pain in his eyes

`You see that road you just drove down?' he says.

The Aussie looks back out the window..`Yep'

`Well, I, Pepe, built that road with these bare hands, and do they call
me `Pepe the Road Builder?'...no they do not!'

The mexican wipes his eyes and takes a sip of beer.

`And do you see that bridge that you drove across?' he continued.

The Aussie looks back out the window...`Yep'

`Well, I, Pepe, built that bridge with these bare hands, and do they
call me `Pepe the Bridge Builder?'....no they do not!

The Aussie feels so sorry for Pepe that he buys him another drink.

`And do you see this cantina, that you are standing in?' he moans.

The Aussie looks all around him..`Yep'

`Well, I, Pepe, built this cantina with these bare hands, and do they
call me `Pepe the Cantina Builder?'....no they do not!......

....but I, Pepe, fuck one goat.....

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 492 of 622                 Date: Thu 19/03/1998,  3:21 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: Some more from the crypt

I'm So Tough

I iron my clothes - WHILE I'M STILL WEARING THEM.

I Wear a studded leather jacket - INSIDE OUT!

My mother used to rock me to sleep - WITH REAL ROCKS...

I don't merely come - I ARRIVE!

My ricies don't go snap, crackle and pop - THEY GO "Shhhh, Here he comes!"

When I'm finished pissing, I don't shake it - I KICK IT!!

When I'm on a plane and I don't like the movie - I WALK OUT!

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 493 of 622                 Date: Thu 19/03/1998,  3:23 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: And more...

I was working as an assistant network administrator at a large
pharmaceutical company during the late 80s...  One day, I was on the way to
the water cooler when I passed by the main receptionist.  She was wiping
down her monitor screen with one of those alcohol saturated cotton pads
that come in the little foil pouches.  I thought nothing of it at the time
and went back to my desk.  About an hour later, I was thirsty again, so I
went on another quest to the water cooler... and this time, the
receptionist was wiping down her keyboard with an alcohol pad.  I noticed a
little pile of perhaps sixty or seventy used pads in her wastebasket.
She'd obviously been at it for most of the morning.  Conversation follows:

Me: Hi Fran, how are you?
Fran: Oh, I'm just fine.  (smiles)
Me: What's with the sudden bout of computer cleanliness?
Fran (leaning over and lowering her voice): Well, you know, I hear that you
have to be very careful with computers these days.  If you're not careful,
you could catch a virus! I'm planning on a vacation next month, and I can't
afford to get sick now!

It was then that I noticed that she was wearing a pair of latex gloves.  I
comforted her, told her not to worry about her computer because we have a
computer virus cleaner, and walked away.  As soon as I got to my office, I
closed the door and burst into violent laughter for about 20 minutes.

--------------------------------------------------------

I've been asked before to remotely baby-sit a friend's UNIX box, and I use
a local bot to watch my telnet window and have it beep me if something like
a talk request or system occurs.

One day, a user named 'Bob' to conceal his identity sends me a ytalk
request.  Being a kind hearted soul, I answer, and he asks:

Bob: How hot do hard drives need to be to 'hot swap' it?
Me: What?
Bob: Well, we're running a server that says its hot swappable.  You gotta
heat up the stuff so it'll work right, don't you?

At this point I am massaging my eyes..he couldn't have done that, could he?

Me: Sir, a hot swappable server means you can remove and insert things like
hard disks without shutting down the server completely.
Bob: Oh, I thought it meant 3 minutes on HIGH.

--------------------------------------------------------

This is an e-mail I had to send to a user's group that is helping to
develop a new application here at the welfare department:

Hi, Just thought I'd let you know that I checked out the message you guys
were getting when you tried the print function for the ACIS Case Combined
screen.

Instead of a nice report preview, it was telling the user "The source for
the report was not found, 'Dummy'"!

I didn't remember writing an error message like that.  Well, it turns out
that I thought that I needed a table to base my report on and so created a
dummy (no data) table and called it 'Dummy'.  Later I found a way to get
around the requirement and since I didn't need that table any more, I got
rid of it.  That particular report didn't get modified to the new way of
doing things and was still looking for the table named 'Dummy".

The report really wasn't intending to disparage anyone!

--------------------------------------------------------

I receive a call from a woman that is interested in our Internet Service.
We cover the general information concerning her account and I get
everything squared away on our end (creating the account, paper work, etc.)
I inform her that she will need to bring her computer into the shop so that
we can install our software onto it for connectivity.

She tells me that she will have her husband bring it down during his lunch
break.  No problem.

About 12:15, a older male enters the shop carrying a computer monitor. He
sets it on the front counter and informs me that his wife said to bring
their computer in so that we can put Internet on it.

Do you think my boss would have fired me had I grabbed the white out and
written "Internet" on his screen? It was actually my first thought.

--------------------------------------------------------

For a number of years I worked in, then managed a design department. At the
time we were using a wide variety of graphics applications (AutoCAD, Corel,
etc.) - all under Win 3.1 - and were constantly upgrading HW/SW.

I had a real "hotshot" assistant who (regardless of whether he knew what he
was doing or not) would plug/load/install absolutely ANYTHING into his box.
He wasn't really big on reading the manuals first; nor was he apt to
listen when told NOT to do anything unless I was there.

Came the day when "his" new graphics card arrived.  It was a very busy
morning, and I told him not to even attempt installation yet, since there
were likely to be several configuration issues.

Needless to say, I returned from lunch to find: (1) panic-stricken
employee; (1) very dead station; (1) monumentally irritated direct report;
and, of course, (1) open graphics card package.

What followed was a three-hour waltz, going back into Win setup, replacing
drivers, re-configuring the .INI files for a bunch of apps, etc.  It was
good to be able to use my time so effectively.  The point of all of this is
my revenge.

That afternoon I hopped across the network and made a few small
modifications to my pal's autoexec.bat.  The next day, when he booted, he
was greeted with the following cheery message on his monitor: "Please wait
...  Please wait ...  formatting Drive C:" After CPR, he never "soloed"
again.

--------------------------------------------------------

My past company sold large computer systems to the financial industry. We
had customers from every corner of the world.  My primary role was that of
a trainer - but I filled in as tech support as well. Customers could pay
extra money and come to our site for hands-on training before a system was
shipped to their site.

Two gentlemen from Cambodia requested such a class.  The problem was, they
spoke almost no English - and I spoke no Cambodian.  Just before the class
was to begin I recalled that we had another tech support person in the
building from Korea.  I tracked him down and asked if he would act as an
interpreter for the class.  He looked at me kind of oddly, but said OK.

The two gentlemen were waiting when we arrived at their system.  I told my
fellow tech-supporter to ask the Cambodian gentlemen if they had any
questions prior to us beginning our formal training.

He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and in a slow, booming voice, and
in English yelled "DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?" I looked at him perplexed -
he looked at me and said "Isn't that how YOU Americans do it, if you don't
know the language?"

--------------------------------------------------------

I used to do technical support for a software company and one of the
funniest things that ever happened to me wasn't from a customer - it was
from my manager!

I got an internal call one afternoon from my manager: Manager: "Can you
help me, I'm having a problem with my PC."

Me: "OK, tell me what's happening, maybe we can solve it on the phone."

Manager: "The machine is eating disks."

Me: "EATING disks? What do you mean?"

Manager: "I put a disk in, I hear a noise and the disk disappears."

Me: "I gotta see this, I'll be right over!" So I hung up and went over and
there she was, peering into her 5 1/4 inch floppy drive.

So I said "Show me."

My manager proceeded to take a 5 1/4 disk and insert it not into the drive,
but into the gap between the bottom of the drive and the blank faceplate
below the drive! It went "clunk" and sure enough, it was gone.

Once I stopped laughing I got a toolkit, took the machine apart, retrieved
the disks, and put a piece of electrical tape across the gap to prevent
further "disk digestion" by the machine.

There were at least a dozen disks in there, though, which made me ask the
obvious question...  "OK, so you thought the machine was eating disks, I
can understand that.  But once you knew it, WHY DID YOU KEEP PUTTING DISKS
IN???" We still laugh about it.

--------------------------------------------------------

As related to me by a friend from Haiti: My friend was a field service
engineer for a large computer manufacturer and one evening when on call he
gets beeped by one of his less favorite customers.

It seems that this customer has a computer based typesetting system that
occasionally pops a circuit breaker on a power controller due to power
surges in their shop.  He knows that most likely all he has to do is reset
the breaker, and that the night foreman will not do it so he has to go in.

Arriving at the scene he visually verifies that the breaker has in fact
popped (it's in plain sight on the front of the system) and he opens his
service kit and removes a rubber chicken.

He shakes the chicken at the system and begins a voodoo dance around the
system, cleverly resetting the offending breaker as he passes the front of
the system.  He then stops, shakes the chicken at the system again,
chanting and quickly turns the power key on.  The system powers up and
boots up just fine.  He packs the chicken back in his case and leaves a
somewhat shaken foreman at the customer site.

--------------------------------------------------------

Several years ago I was an FE for a well-known datacom equipment
manufacturer.  One day I was dispatched to a major customer's data center
to diagnose a complaint of a "dead" remote facility.

Seems they couldn't get any carrier on their dedicated analog line. After
arriving on site, I worked via telephone with the remote user for about 30
minutes and diagnosed the problem as a dead phone line. The local telco for
the remote site was called in, and I was asked to wait for their arrival so
I could explain the problem to their technician.  When the phone company
rep arrived, I suggested he check punch downs, connector blocks, etc.

He said "Hang on", then I heard silence for awhile.  When he came back, he
said "You're not gonna believe this, but the office manager here decided to
store some stuff in the attic, and all those cables strung across the attic
floor were in her way, so she got a pair of scissors..."

Seems the customer had to get new cables for all their in-house wiring on
that site, as well as a new office manager!

--------------------------------------------------------

Don't know how true this is but here a story I've heard.  Some woman phoned
a tech support center stating that she had a problem with her computer.
Her problem was that although she had turned the machine on, she could not
she anything on the screen.

Having established that the monitor was switched by the green light on the
front the technician could not work out why there was a problem.

After a nearly a hour long call, the technician asked the lady - "Can you
remember what the last thing you did on the computer?"

She replied "Well my husband was last to use it, he was playing a submarine
game.  but he got a bit angry and pulled out a gun and fired it at the
monitor"

--------------------------------------------------------

You want to get even with a relative? Give him a really crummy computer,
and then teach him everything with the wrong words.  Then, years later when
he tries to upgrade,watch his blood pressure rise. Here's a boiled down
conversation we had:

Him: Where's my Option Command menu?
Me: What?
Him: Unsually when I middle-interface on my beetle on the wall, a menu
explodes, exposing the Option Command database.

[Translation: When he right-clicks on the desktop with his mouse, he
usually gets a desktop properties menu]

After about a few hours of re-education on more common terms (he stuck to
the beetle definition, because he said his mouse was called "The Beetle" on
the packaging), he finally summed it up with this gem:

Him: You taught me a lot.  No wonder those people at the trade shows looked
like I was from Mars or something.

Me: How did you learn?

Him: My brother taught me.  He's always been an idiot, until he became a
programmer.  Now he's an idiot with a laptop.

Well put!

--------------------------------------------------------

I do software support for a company that provides medical software,
including billing and appointment tracking.  One of our customers recently
left voice mail asking about information for billing two services.  He said
that one of our reps had faxed it to him last summer and he passed it on to
the dental office but they lost it so could we send it to him again? I'm
relatively new to the company and there are still large gaps in my
knowledge so I contacted the customer and let him know that while I wasn't
certain exactly what info he was looking for, I'd check with his former rep
(she's now a programmer) and see what I could find.

I called the rep and asked her if she remembered faxing anything to him
about using two billing services but she didn't remember talking to the
customer about that at all.  So I put a note on the work order asking my
supervisor if SHE had any idea what this guy's looking for and I get back a
big 'beats the hell out of me!' So now we're all running around trying to
figure out what info he's talking about and we're all completely at a loss.
Lo and behold, the customer calls again, getting a little impatient that
he hasn't received the info yet and his dental department needs it so they
can start entering tooth surfaces into the computer for billing.

I said, 'Wait a minute.  Did you just say "tooth surfaces"?' He said, 'Of
course, that's what I've been trying to get for the past two days!' So of
course I burst out laughing and explained that we've been going nuts trying
to find information for billing out to two services! Once he got his breath
back from laughing so hard, we confirmed the tooth situation and I faxed
him the info within half an hour.  Moral: Despite our best efforts, not all
the silliness can be blamed on the customer!

--------------------------------------------------------

I am a tech at an internet service provider.  Recently I recieved a call
from a woman who had installed our software on her MAC and was encountering
problems.

We distribute Netscape with our software and she was trying to set up the
mail and news part of it.  She was looking at a window that wanted her to
put in her mail servers and her POP user name.  The problem was there was
already something in that field and she could not change it. She couldn't
even click on the "OK," "Apply," or "Cancel" buttons. The only thing it
would allow her to do was close the window.I couldn't figure this out.

Finally, after about 10 minutes of trying to find out exactly what she was
opening and how she was getting to this settings box I find out that she
was opening a readme file that explained how to set-up the mail and news.
She was clicking on an image file in the readme.

--------------------------------------------------------

I have been working technical support for one company or another for over
12 years now.  This is probably the oddest tale I have ever witnessed.
Back in 1991, I had the opportunity to work at a computer company where I
was the support supervisor.  As most know, managers have the ability to
listen to their techs during a call.  This was one I listened to of a very
knowledgable tech.

The customer had called in because of a difficulty with his monitor,
apparently the screen had heavy Vsync distortion.  The tech started off the
conversation with the gratuities as usual and began trouble shooting with
the customer to determine if the problem was related to an environment
issue or if it was a true hardware failure.

After 45 minutes of trying EVERYTHING he could think of, it was
inevitable...It was found that the monitor would require a replacement (the
quick way) or the customer should send the unit in for repair. I'll start
the lineby line from here...

Tech: Ok sir, I show the system is a year out of the warranty, would you
like me to set up an RMA for a replacement or would you like us to repair
the unit?
Customer: Well, I don't have any money for either, but I really need the
computer to work.
Tech: (perplexed, wanting to help any way he could) I see.  We can try
something a little unconventional, but I can't promise it'll work.
Customer: Please, anything...I have a report to write and really need this
thing working.
Tech: Okay.  Turn the monitor off.
Customer: Okay, Done.
Tech: Put your hand on the screen.
Customer: Ummmm....okay.
Tech: Now repeat after me: "Dear Lord".
Customer: Are you sure about this???
Tech: Believe me, this IS last ditch here.
Customer: Okay, whatever you say.  I have put my hand on the screen.
Tech: Ready...okay, "Dear Lord, Heal this monitor from the demon which has
possessed it."
Customer: This is silly.  (BIG SIGH--Repeat of what tech said)
Customer: (LONG PAUSE) Is that it?
Tech: Lets hope so, now turn on the monitor.
Customer: (BIG GASP) Oh my god!
Tech: What?
Customer: You ain't gonna believe this, but I can see everything now.
Before I moved on to other things I checked this guys records to see if he
had ever called back.  In the 8 months that had passed, that was the last
record on file.

--------------------------------------------------------

I was the unfortunate soul manning the helpdesk when this call arrived.
Every week when we have our staff meeting we still laugh about it.

"Helpdesk, Ken speaking."
"Yes - my CCMail isn't working right."
"OK, let's see - tell me what's happening."
"It's not receiving any mail."
"Are you able to login? Does it prompt you for your password?"
"Yes."
"Does it tell you it's checked your inbox for new messages?"
"Yes."
"Does the message say something like 'sorry, you have no new messages?'"
"That's exactly what it says."
"Er...it sounds like the software's working fine, ma'am."
"I'm sure it is, but nobody WRITES me!"

--------------------------------------------------------

When people ask me who is the dumbest customer I have ever had to deal
with, I relate this horror story.

Me: Major ISP, can I help you?
Her: [furious] I want you to refund all my money now, and I want you to
apologize, and I am going to report you to the better Business Bureau
[followed by very abusive talk].

I looked up her account while she hurled insults at me.  Even though I was
in the tech department and could not issue refunds, I did not want to "cold
transfer" this call, and have someone else get this lady without warning.
I saw why she was mad: Average user's bill - $25... her bill $750.

Her: [abusive talk winding down] and you should WARN people that you RUN
this SCAM and [goshdarnit] YOU WILL GIVE ME A REFUND RIGHT NOW YOU
[xxxxxx]!!!!
Me: According to what I have, you have used our service continously for a
month, even during peak hours.  Were you explained our--
Her: ME???!! How DARE you accuse ME! It was my son.  He's only 12 and you
used him to cheat me! [swearing continues for a while].  I thought it was a
game.  My son thought it was a game, something called "Internet" where you
fight these giant spiders on a web with colored lines or something.  And
your game cost me over $1200 so you could show my son, he's only 12 if I
hadn't mentioned before, naked people and now he's swearing all the time
and saying stuff I never thought I would hear a 12 year old say you [born
out of wedlock]!!!!

I came to find out that she let her son use our service using HER credit
card number.  On top of that, they lived in a rural area, and the closest
line to her was a long distance call, so even her phone bill was enourmous.
When I "warm" transfered the call, I told the guy what to expect, and he
said that lady was SOL since to even install the software you can to click
through several billing agreements with "I agree" and even choose a payment
plan.  She said she didn't understand computers, and took advantage of her
"literacy ability" so her son had to read it, and he never said anything
about hourly charges.

When the billing person filed the report, he mentioned to me that the woman
was so mad (even though we issued her a refund on her credit card for
"non-authorized card use by a minor" we could not, of course, give her a
refund on her phone bill), she finalized the call with this statement:

Her: See this? See this? Know what I am going to do? [smashing noise heard]
That's you! That's what I think of you, James [the billing guy]! And you'll
never cross our house again you, you...  DEMON! [smash smash].  Eyaagh!
[smash smash]

Voice: [from her house] Mom?? You just jumped on the computer! Aw man,
stop! [smash smash]

Yes, this woman destroyed her computer as an act of revenge, thus insuring
her literacy level continues for one more generation.

--------------------------------------------------------

I work at technical support for one of the large national internet
providers.  I received a call one day from one of our frequent callers that
went a little something like this:

"Internet support, how can we help you?"
"I can't seem to make a very good connection to my local number."
"What's wrong with the connection sir?"
"It only gets connected at 9600 baud, I have a 56k modem!"
"What number is your computer dialing?"
(He gave me the number which I recognize IS his local number here in the
United States)
"Hmmm, were are you calling from?"
"Hong Kong."

Gee, I wonder what sort of connection I can get from MARS?

--------------------------------------------------------

While working at a small company that runs an Accounting System, I received
many "tech support calls from hell."

Here is one that I remember quite well:

Me: Tech Support, how may I help you?
Caller: Well, I was using your system, entering all my data, but now I
can't enter anything at all.
Me: Are you still logged into the program?
Caller: Yes, the screen I was entering my data into is still on my
terminal.  But when I press any key, nothing happens.
Me: Nothing happens?
Caller: Yes, I've tried pressing numbers, letters, function keys, and
nothing - no response.
Me: This might sound silly - but is your keyboard plugged in?
Caller: Of course it is.  It wouldn't have gotten unplugged.
Me: What were you doing when the keyboard locked up?
Caller: Like I said, I was just leaning back in my chair, typing and all of
a sudden, it stopped working.
Me: Was the keyboard on your lap while you were leaning back?
Caller: Yes.
Me: OK.  Well, I know I asked you this before, but can you just check in
the back of the computer and make sure that the keyboard cable is plugged
in tightly?
Caller: I already told you, the keyboard isn't unplugged.
Me: Could you please just check?
Caller: Fine.  Hold on while I put the phone down.
[Muffled noises heard in background.  After a long delay,I can hear typing
over the phone]
Caller: Never mind.  It seems to be working now.

--------------------------------------------------------

Working at Tech Support, our customers are large corporates using our
development tools and relational databases.

Customer calls in and after thorough troubleshooting it turns out his
database (small, approx 400Mb) is completely corrupted.  Only possibility
is to restore his backup.

So, what do you say?

Tech - I am really sorry sir, but the only possibility left is to restore
your backup.  You do have one do you? (small joke)
Cust - Well....ehhhh....yes and no (Oops !! no joke at all)
Tech - Can you explain that for me please? I know the "yes" answer, I
know the "no" answer.  What do you mean by yes AND no?
Cust - I do have a backup...
Tech - OK.....
Cust - but it's about 6 months old and completely useless... do you
have any suggestions?
Tech - (Here's the chance I have been waiting for....)
Yes sir, the only option left is to start MS-Word, open the template
called CV and start typing.......

(And this is what they call a boomerang-effect....)

Customer - Has been done already......I'm the new guy!



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 494 of 622                 Date: Thu 19/03/1998,  3:36 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: And another...

This is my favorite Tech Tale... With over 10 years of tech support under
my belt, I keep using this one to 'prove' that nothing is impossible.

While doing support for a mail-order computer company, one of my calls went
like this:

Me: <company> tech support, how can I help you?
Customer: Every time I flush my toilet, my computer reboots.
Me: (pause)
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: Every time I flush my toilet, my computer reboots.

I spent a couple of minutes working along the lines of "if you want help,
you have to tell me what's wrong.", but the customer kept insisting that
was the problem.

The cause:  Customer lived on a rural farm, and had low power on the
utility lines.  Add that to an electric water pump, and every time he
flushed the toilet, the pump would kick in, power would sag even more,
and... *poof* computer reboot...

-----------------------------------------------------------

I used to service a very large national company doing executive 24 hrs
service.  One day late and after regular hours, I received a panicked call
from a high level VP asking me to drive over to his office right away.  He
didn't want to tell me what the problem was until I got there.

I arrived but not finding him in his office, I followed the panicky voice
only to find him crouched over a large old mainframe printer. As I
approached I noticed he was somewhat sheepish in asking me for a pair of
scissors.

Seems his tie had gotten caught and both tie tabs were far into the
mechanisms of the printer, and the only thing he could reach was the phone.
The only number he remembered well was that of the tech support one! He
was a frequent caller!

------------------------------------------------------------

We run an older 5000 node network that has many servers including a
mainframe.  Our system had been having some backbone problems and the
entire network would go down at times.  When this would happen, absolutely
nothing on any servers could be accessed.  Needless to say, whenever this
happened we would have users calling to find out if they were unable to
access because of something they did, or if the network was down.  This was
one of our calls concerning the network being down.  Names have been
changed to protect the guilty.

Tech: Network services, may we help you?
User (Jennifer): This is Jennifer, is the network down?
Tech: Yes, we're working on it now.
Jennifer: Well, is everything down, or just the mainframe?
Tech: Everything is down.
Jennifer: When will it be up again?
Tech: We're really not sure, we've got people out on it now.
Jennifer: This is a real hassle when the system goes down.  You guys should
put out a broadcast message when it goes down.

------------------------------------------------------------

me: This is technical support, how can I help you?
User: I am having some serious troubles with the modem I bought from you
folks the other day.
me: What's the problem you are having?
User: Well, it's squawking like a chicken!
me: Squawking like a chicken? Oh, you are probably talking about the
noise it makes when negotiating a connection.
User: I don't know what it is, but it ain't sounding right!
me: Is this your first modem?
User: Yuppers.
me: Can you let me listen to the sound it's making?
User: Yuppers.
(The sound I heard was from a 28.8 modem)
me: Well sir, that's completely normal.  I can show you how to turn
down, or shut off the sound if you want.

(These calls aren't so bad.  There is no way this person could have
known about the squawking if he never used a modem before).

------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: Hi, just got your software and need some help installing it. I've
followed the instructions but I keep getting a Drive A: not ready error.
Me: Ok, let's go through it step by step to isolate the problem, are you
ready?
Caller: Sure, fire away.
Me: Ok, insert the floppy into drive A:
Caller: Ok, done that.
Me: Alright, make sure the door is closed.
Caller: Ok, hang on a sec...... alright it's closed.
Me: Type "Install"
Caller: It says "not ready reading drive A:"
Me: Hmmm, describe to me exactly what you just did.
Caller: I inserted the disk, and then I closed the door to my office....

------------------------------------------------------------

My friend, who wants to remain anonymous, works for a major defense
contractor.  He is in charge of the networking staff, and recently had the
dubious honor of being placed in charge of training some new hirees fresh
out of college.  These recent grads (and undergrads) were hired as part of
a program his company has, and this certain small Colorado college (which
he only described to me as "Podunk-U") that the vice president himself was
proud to claim as his Alma Mater.  Many of these students were trained
four-to-a-terminal on a very old version of Unix Mainframe, and taught
programming on Apple II's.  Only one knew Windows, and it was v3.1.  Fun
fun fun until daddy took the ten-base-T away...

Among having to try to explain complicated Win95 and NT networking to these
students, he ended up being their "babysitter" in many cases, because some
of these grads were not exactly shirt-and-tie material.

One horrified example he dumped upon me this Christmas was the kid who knew
Win 3.1 and took it upon himself to become the assumed "leader" of this
motley crew.  Although no plans for revolt seem imminent, this one guy has
quickly become notorious for giving really bad advice and instructions.
The most recent example was a rash of lost documents, which makes any
government contractor a nervous nelly.

Since these grads were kept away from damaging anything important, a lot of
them ended up with nothing to do.  So a lot of them ended up doing busy
work, like filing, data entry, and so on.  Training was taking forever
because it was assumed they would come into work knowing certain things,
which they did not.  The missing documents was traced to one thing:

They constantly confused the fax machine with the paper shredder. None of
the kids had ever seen either.

------------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps this one should be committed to the X-Files site, but this is one
of the best calls I've ever had.

Tech: Good afternoon Alex here.
Cust: Hi Alex.  I'm from XYZ Corp and we are having a bit of a problem with
our network.  We can't see any PCs on our net.
Tech: Okay, I'll be over in about 30 minutes.

I made my way out the business to find the usual scene, no work was being
done.  All appeared to be on coffee break.  So I then decided to check out
one of the PCs.  Right, no data.

I walked into the room that the comms rack was kept in, the door was ajar
and there was no sign of a key.  I basically dropped everything I was
carrying when I noticed the fault.

NO PATCH LEADS.  Someone/thing/how had stolen/borrowed or removed leads
from the patch panel.

Addendum: The leads were never recovered nor were seen at any of the
installations I visited.

------------------------------------------------------------

I am tech support by trade but my funniest story is personal.  A few years
ago I bought a computer and began using bulletin boards.  I noticed that I
frequently got cut off in the middle of downloading. After days of
troubleshooting and software changes I was still stumped.  Then one day
while I was working on my system my husband came in and asked if I wanted
to have pizza for dinner.

When I said yes he picked up the cordless phone and proceeded to dial out,
using our only phone line.  It seems my husband did not think that he was
using the phone line as long as he was using the cordless phone.

This is now a classic family story!

------------------------------------------------------------

I work for an ISP, and a coworker took this call:

"When I couldn't log in, I was assuming it was a hardware problem rather
than a cache problem. "

"Cache?"

"Yes, cash.  My account was disabled because I didn't pay my bill. "

------------------------------------------------------------

I work Tech Support, and we have several corporate customers (of varying
degrees of [in]ability) who have contracted us for their HW/SW support.

I got a call from one nameless (and brain-less) customer with a Word 6.0
problem who seemed to take FOREVER to follow my lead, asking her to click
here, there, open that...  She kept saying, "you'll have to slow down a
bit; my mouse is real erratic!" Finally I asked her if she needed me to
send her a new mouse, and she replied that hers was working fine, but "it
just takes me awhile because the pointer keeps moving when I turn the mouse
over... "

Do what?

This lady (do some people have to be shown EVERYTHING?) had learned to hold
the mouse in her hand, ball up, roll the ball around w/ her finger to move
the pointer, then flip it over to click, but, of course, when you flip the
mouse over, the ball (and thus, the pointer) moves, too.  There was no
hearing me when I suggested she put the mouse back on the desk.  "That's
what I'm comfortable with!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Some years ago I helped out at a charity, which had many well meaning but
not very computerate volunteers.  To help them use the various applications
they needed I wrote a simple "pick a number" menu.  I didn't have any spare
time during the day to install it, so spent a couple of nights writing an
installation program that required almost no intervention.

The installation instructions were:

1: Put the RED disk in the drive.
2: Turn the computer on.
3: Wait for a message on the screen that says "Put in the BLUE disk"
4: Remove the red disk, put in the blue disk.
5: Press the space bar.
6: Wait for another message, and turn the computer off.

I sent the instructions and two disks off, and thought nothing of it until
three days later I got an anguished call:

Volunteer: How long do I have to wait until I swap the disks?

Me: Oh - a minute or so.

V: I've been waiting three days! I couldn't stay all the time, so I've been
calling in and checking to see if it's there yet every hour or so.

M: Leave it - there's obviously a problem.

I drove across town, got keys, drove some more, got to the office finally,
disarmed burglar alarms, and 90 mins after the phone call discovered the
missing instruction:

2A: check that the monitor is turned on as well!

Not sure whether the volunteer is the idiot or I am!

------------------------------------------------------------

Telephone call this morning:

Me: IT HelpLine - Gordon.
Her: It's XXXX.  I have to change offices soon, to room 12
Me: No problem: that room is fully wired.  Just let's know when you move.
Her: But I want to be sure that when I move the computer is moved
carefully, so none of the files drop out!
Me; It'll be OK: just don't drop it!.

I should have told her to tape up the ventilation slots while in transit,
but didn't have the heart.

------------------------------------------------------------

It was a normal day, sitting on my desk and taking normal calls (like
always), then I got this nice call:

Tech: Tech support how may I help you?
Customer: Hi, i've been experiencing some problem with my connection
lately to your server!
Tech: Okay, and what kind of error message do you get sir?
Customer: Well... hummm.. it's something like unable to DNS, yeah I think
that's it!

(Like always, members can be very vague on what they actually get for error
message, so I say to myself "I'll just check his basic settings for now")

Tech: I see, now sir could you please open up your dialer, I would
like to verify some of the settings you have!
Customer: Oh my, I'll have to call back for that!
Tech: Are you in front of your computer, or are you able to bring a phone
near it!
Customer: No no, that's not it, I'm calling from a telephone booth in front
of my house! I can't get online while talking to you at the same time!

I had to put the member on mute as I had to laugh my lungs out.

------------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago, when mice were still primative bulky add-ons for the PC, a
friend of mine who did tech work during college told me that one day, his
company got a call about a defective mouse.

"It's broken, all cracked and everything... " mentioned the report. This
was the third time this customer had this problem.

The company said that there was obvious abuse being done, and the customer
balked, saying they are fine one day, and then "snap!" they break
overnight.  A heated exchange ensued.

When my friend went to the site, he looked at the mouse, and it appeared
that someone had stepped on it.  Everyone in the office assured him that
everyone knew how to use a mouse, and did not use it as a "foot pedal," a
common chair-to-keyboard error at the time.  So an investigation was
launched, and this involved a rather angry CEO, who said the company was
cheating him, and blah blah blah...

My friend, only trying to earn college money, was being screamed at by a
very important client.  In desperation, he asked if anyone else besides the
employees used the computers.  After a while, they did find out one of the
night staff was using it, but he didn't know that the mouse is commonly
used on the right side of the computer.  So he would be on the computer
next to it, using the mouse on the left, and when it wouldn't work on his
computer, he got angry, and would beat it with his fist.  This was an older
person who had been known to have a bad temper.

The employee was reprimanded, and my friend? He wrote on the work slip,
"Cause of Problem: Rapid percussion problem traced to user interface. "

Now that's PC!

------------------------------------------------------------

A recently hired secretary called the other day complaining about her email
software not accepting her password.  She assured me that she was entering
it correctly and was positive that someone in Technical Support was playing
games with her.  I told her she must be mistaken and to go over the
procedure from the beginning.  I could hear her clicking and typing when
prompted for her password.  Again she got an error but this time I got her
to read it to me.  The error message stated that the user's password was
incorrect and that passwords are case-sensitive.  Immediately I knew she
had used an upper case letter somewhere in the entry or had the caps lock
down so I asked her to type the password again making sure she didn't press
the shift key at any time.  Again she gets the error message so I then told
her to check that the caps lock key was not enabled.  After a few seconds of
silence I get the response, "I don't have a caps lock key so I certainly
haven't pressed it. "

One of my co-workers walked into my office as I talked to her.  I patiently
explained that all of our keyboards had the caps lock key and she would
find it located directly above the left shift key. "Carol, press the key
that's above the shift key. " "Which key?" "Left side of the keyboard just
above the shift key. " "I don't see it. " "Okay let's try again, look at
the left side of the keyboard, you know the side where the number keys go
across the second row start with 1 then 2, etc. " "Okay I'm looking but I
don't see it. " "Carol, you're not listening to me, look at the left side
of the keyboard then locate the key directly above the shift key.  It will
be labeled caps lock. " "No, I don't have one. " Now at this point I was
getting frustrated so I asked her if she knew the difference between her
right and left.  "I certainly do and there's no reason for you to be so
rude to me. " At that point I hung up and looked at my co-worker and he
smiled and walked out of my office and over to the secretary's computer
down the hall.

Carol was still looking at her keyboard as he walked over and pressed the
caps lock key.  "Oh, that key.  I was pressing this one. " She pointed to
the num lock key of the numeric keypad.  He just shook his head and turned
around and headed back to my office.  "I took care of it. ", he said.  She
was pressing the num lock key.

The office manager says Santa is bringing a new secretary to that office
for Christmas this year.

------------------------------------------------------------

I do customer support for a small ISP.  One of my jobs is helping people
create and set up new accounts.  One day I had the following conversation
with a new customer:

me: OK, now you need to choose a password for this account.  It has to be 5
to 12 characters long, and a mix of upper and lower case letters, numbers,
or symbols.
customer: what kind of letters?
me (thinking she just hadn't heard properly): uppercase and lowercase?
customer: what??
me (realizing she doesn't know what "uppercase" and "lowercase" mean):
um...  capital letters and...
customer (interrupting): oh, do you mean BIG letters and LITTLE letters?
me: uh, yeah.  big and little.
customer: OK.  you've got to not use these technical terms with me.

Since when are "uppercase" and "lowercase" technical terms??

------------------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine went to my company's PC tech support office (which I haunt
regularly).  He was looking for a new video card for his home system that
would be faster and allow higher resolutions.  D. (we'll call him D. for
now), the PC tech, procured a nice new video card for him.  He was a little
leary about installing it, but he is an electrical engineer and the card
was Plug n' Play, so we told him to plug it in, boot the machine (Win 95),
follow the onscreen instructions and he should be alright.

Well, the next day he comes in looking sad saying that his computer was
completely fried, and he didn't know what went wrong.  D. asked him
exactly what he did.  He said that he removed the cover, removed the old
video card, and attempted to plug in the new one.  As he was inserting the
card, he said he saw a blue flash, a curl of smoke, and then the computer
would not boot.  Don said "You mean you tried to plug the video card in
while the machine was ON???!!" And our friend responded, "Yea, sure... You
told me yesterday that it was Plug n' Play!" The MB and vid card were
toast.  Guess he never heard of Hot Swap....

------------------------------------------------------------

Back around 1990, I was working at a large company that still permitted
employees to smoke at their desks.  The 'tech support' person for one of
our small products (which involved customers dialing in to our system to
retrieve information) was a heavy smoker.

One day, she had trouble using her computer because some of the keys were
clogged by cigarette ash.  She asked a friend what to do.  He showed her
how to tip the keyboard up and tap it on the desk to dislodge the crud from
the keys.  Keys now worked, she was happy.

As fate would have it, a little while later, a customer calls in having
trouble logging in to our service because a key needed to enter their
password was not working.

tech: "Don't worry, I know what to do.  Grab your keyboard firmly by both
sides. "
customer: "Okay. "
tech: "Now tilt the keyboard up 90 degrees. "
customer: "Okay. "
tech: "Now firmly rap in on your desk three times. "
customer: (clunk.. clunk... clunk)"Okay. "
tech: "is it working now?"
customer: "No, now I'm getting an error.  It says 'Data error reading drive
c:. '"
tech: "What kind on computer do you have?"
customer: "A Toshiba laptop... "

------------------------------------------------------------

My associate received a call inquiring whether we could work on a printer.
The caller stated that she thought that this problem probably wasn't
covered under warranty, so she decided to call us to see if we could fix it.

My associates found out that it was an HP 820 inkjet printer that will not
feed any paper in.  The normal paper try grinds before the envelope feeder
starts.

My associate stated that it sounded like the printer was jammed and asked
if the caller if any paper was jammed in the printer.

"No.  but my 17-year old daughter left her Graham cracker on the paper feed
and it was pulled into the printer!"

My associate told the caller that she may have to buy a new printer
because, "that's the way the cookie crumbles. "

------------------------------------------------------------

A few years ago, I was doing voice tech support.  One day, I got a call
from a customer using the DOS product on a 286.  He was clearly, um, not
familiar with the technology.

He could not get the software to perform.  We stepped through the process,
and the problem was not procedural.  Reviewing the symptoms, I had cause to
think he was out of room on the hard disk.  I asked him how much free space
he had on his machine, and he said (a verbatim quote):

"Ya know, my wife gets up there on the internet every night, and she
downloaded 10 hours of free space.  Is that enough?"

Customers: can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

------------------------------------------------------------

CUSTOMER: "My Internet won't fit into my computer. "
TECH: "I'm not sure what you mean, what is your Internet?"
CUSTOMER: "Well it says "installation software" on it,but it's too big
for the slot in my computer. "
TECH: "Oh, ok.  Is it round? How many are there?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, it's round, just like one of those things I have music
on.  There's just one. "
TECH: "It seems you don't have a drive equipped for circles.  I'll send
some 'squares' out to you.  They'll get there in about 3 to 4 days.
CUSTOMER: "Thanks.  Hopefully now I'll be able to get connected!"

The lady called back a few days later and I was lucky enough to get her
call again.  She got the squares, but wanted to make sure she was supposed
to put them in her computer 'printing side up. '

------------------------------------------------------------

A customer brought their PC in to our computer service center and
complained that the new sound card that they had purchased from a
competitor wasn't working.  I asked them if they had the card installed by
the vendor or if they had done the work themselves.  The customer replied
that he had installed the card himself, but the salesperson had given him
step by step instructions on the process.

Okay, I asked what the problem was specifically.  The customer replied that
when he attempts to install the software, he receives messages that the
hardware cannot be located.  I gave the customer a receipt for his machine
and told him to stop by in an hour and we should have it ready to go.  I
was expecting a conflict with another device and it should be relatively
easy to mend.

I put the PC on the bench and attempted to connect speakers.  I couldn't
find any audio jacks on any of the cards in the rear of the machine.  I
thought to myself that the customer hadn't installed the card at all! I
opened the PC and to my amazement there was the sound card on top of the
power supply! I called the customer and explained the problem and he
immediately became upset with the vendor with whom he had purchased the
card.  The sales person had said that installation was a sna
Reply
#33
HUMOURMsg # 495 of 622                 Date: Wed 18/03/1998,  2:56 am  [E]

From: HORUS                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: Just singin' a hymen

Suspend your belief of history and chronological inventions, please!
                         ****************

The Virgin Mary was sitting in her room high on the battlements of the
Pope's castle.

She looked up from her sewing and gazed out of the window then started
in fright.

She picked up the telephone and reached the Pope on his direct line.

`Virgin Mary here, there are Turks storming the castle!'

The Pope told her not to worry, the Turks would never get past the first
portcullis.

The Virgin Mary sighed in relief and went back to her needlework.

Half an hour later she glanced out the window again, expressed a small
cry, picked up the telephone.

`Virgin Mary here, the Turks have broken through the first portcullis!'

The Pope, tut-tutted her, and told her not to worry, the turks would
never make it past the second portcullis.

The Virgin Mary, pleased, resumed her knitting.

Half an hour later she was disturbed by the clanking of weapons, she
looked out the window and giving a little squeal of fear, picked up the
telephone.

`Virgin Mary here, the Turks have broken through the second portcullis
and now their standing at the entrance to my tower!'

The Pope pooh-poohed her, telling her to ease her worried mind, the
Turks would never make it past the entrance to her tower.

The Virgin Mary happily went about her sewing.

Half an hour later the Pope's telephone rang again.

`Mary here.......'

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 496 of 622                 Date: Wed 18/03/1998,  9:41 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: A Fairy Tale

God decides one day that he has had enough of all the people seeking
entrance to heaven, so he calls over his son Jesus, and tells him he is
going away for a long vacation.

`THE JOB IS NOW YOURS, MY SON' he says.

  **********Many years pass********

One day Jesus is sitting on the throne outside the Pearly Gates when he
is confronted by an old man with a long flowing grey beard.

`What can I do for you, old man?' asks Jesus.

The old man looks up at the SON of GOD with rheumy eyes

`I seek entrance to Heaven, Lord!'

Jesus runs his fingers through his own beard

`Did you do any good works in your time on earth, old man?'

The old fellow thinks awhile

`I gave birth to a son, Lord!' he volunteers.

Jesus shakes his head

`Millions of men have given birth to sons, why should yours be any
different, old man?'

The old man thinks awhile

`He was loved by people the world over, Lord!'

Jesus shakes his head

`So was Elvis....is there anything else special about him?'

The old man thinks awhile

`Yes, Lord!' the old man cried. `He had nails in his hands and in his
feet!'

Jesus jumped up from his throne and grabbed the old man in a fierce
embrace

`Father, you've finally come home!!'

The old man, his eyes rapidly filling with tears, held Jesus at arms
length.

`....Pinocchio???!!!'

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 497 of 622                 Date: Sun 29/03/1998,  4:58 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Joke 1

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there
came the sound of a key in the front door.
The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.
`Heavens,' she cried, `It's my husband! Quick, jump out the window.'
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,
then demurred. `I can't,' he said, `we're on the thirteenth floor.'
`For heaven's sake,' cried the young lady in exasperation, `is this a
time to be superstitious?'

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 498 of 622                 Date: Sun 29/03/1998,  6:41 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Joke 2

Jones, seated in a movie house, could not help being aware that the man
in front of him had his arm around the the neck of a large dog which
occupied the seat next to him.
The dog was clearly observing the picture with understanding, for he
snarled softly when the villan spoke, yelped joyously at the funny
remarks, and so on.

Jones leaned forward and tapped the man in front of him on the shoulder.
He said, `Pardon me, sir, but I can't get over your dog's behaviour.'
The man turned around and said, `Frankly, it surprises me, too. He hated
the book.
---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 499 of 622                 Date: Sun 29/03/1998,  8:11 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: 2 lessons

The gigantic generator had stopped working, and the entire vast
industrial plant which depended on it ground to a halt. Distraught
engineers did their best to start it again, but without success, and
every minute of idleness that passed cost the firm thousands of dollars.

Finally, an expert on generating machinery was brought in from outside.
Coolly, he walked the length of the generator, studied its dials, and
pondered.
At last he said, `May I have a small hammer?'

One was handed him, and walking up to a certain pipe, he felt it
delicately, located a particular point, and tapped that point sharply
with the hammer. Instantly, the generator sprang into action.

`Your fee?' asked the gratified head of the firm.
"Five hundred-five dollars," said the expert.

The other's eyes opened wide. `Five hundred-five dollars for just
hitting the pipe with a hammer?'

"For that," said the expert, "Five dollars. For knowing where to hit,
five hundred dollars."
                   *********************

Mrs. Smythe dashed into the small but high-priced shop of her favourite
clothing designer.

`Pierre,' she said, `I must have a new hat of startling design that is
absolutely original and I must have it now. What can you do for me?'

"Let me see," said Pierre. Pulling out a length of ribbon of a warm and
glowing mottled orange, he cut it deftly and then began to fold it.
Skillfully, he wove it into shape and in a few minutes, without pinning
or clipping it in any way, he had a hat for Mrs. Smythe.

Mrs. Smythe looked at herself in the mirror with awe. `That's
marvellous, Pierre,' she said. `How much?'

"Two hundred dollars, madame," said Pierre.

Mrs. Smythe said, `Two hundred? Isn't that rather high for a length of
ribbon?'

Pierre smiled. He removed the hat and, as skillfully as he had wound it,
he now unwound it. He handed the unwound length to the lady and said,

"The ribbon itself, dear madame, is yours for nothing."
                   **********************

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 500 of 622                 Date: Wed  1/04/1998,  9:51 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Spice Girls

Little Jimmy walks into the kitchen where his mum is preparing dinner.

`Hey, mum, are the Spice Girls robots?' he asks.

His mum looks at him oddly.

`No, their not, Jimmy!' she replies `Why do you ask?'

`Well, I just heard dad say he would like to screw the arse off the
black one!'
---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 501 of 622                 Date: Wed 15/04/1998, 12:23 am  [E]
From: GOLLUM                     Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: Bungy Jumpers & Prostitutes

What does a prostitute and a bungy jumper have in common ?


















If the rubber breaks, they're both in the $#!+

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 502 of 622                 Date: Wed 22/04/1998,  6:56 pm  [E]
From: HORUS                      Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: an old one

Here's an old joke I remembered while writing a message to Guru.
                   **********

Two chaps, old boys of the English University system, are sitting in
a quaint wee boozer supping on a couple of ales. They are both lauding
the relative merits of their alma maters.

Nature leads them to the urinal. Oxford finishes first and heads back
out to his table. He's sitting there when Cambridge returns and plonks
himself down on his chair.

Cambridge pipes up

`I say, old boy, at Cambridge they taught us to wash our hands after
taking a piss!'

Oxford sneers back at him

`At Oxford they taught us not to piss on our hands!'
---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 503 of 622                 Date: Thu 23/04/1998, 10:19 pm  [E]
From: THE FLASH                  Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: Toads

A guy is walking down town and sees a sign in the petshop window
"1 only Peruvian Oral Toad $150" this suprises him and he goes into the
store to find out about this toad.

<Guy> Hello, about this toad?

<Keeper> The Oral toad?, It's fucking amazing, it will suck the chrome
off a car bumper!

<Guy> Can I see it?

<Keeper> Sure, here have a look!

The keeper opens a large box up and pulls out a fucking HUGE slimy,
warty brown and green toad! It has the ugliest mouth you have ever seen
and he places it on the counter infront of the guy.

<Guy> $150 for this? Sound a bit dear and by god is it ugly!

<Keeper> Look, take it round the back and give it a try, I have and it's
amazing!

<Guy> Well,ok, but if it's no good I won't buy it!

<Keeper> Ok, but you will be buying it!

Guy picks up frog and takes it round back, 10 mins later he comes back.

<Guy> (with glazed look on face> I,ll take it!, Thats the best blow job
I have ever had!

<Keeper> I knew you would!

Guy gets toad and goes home. he goes into the kitchen
and sticks the toad down on the table

<Wife> What the fuck am I ment to do with that thing!

<Guy> You can teach it to cook and then fuck off!

---
 þ SLMR 2.1a þ

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 504 of 622                 Date: Tue 28/04/1998, 10:15 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 17 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: A wonderful observation

Microsoft today announced that they are to rename Windows 98 as "Windows
Diana". They expect that it too will be superficially attractive,
consume lots of resources and crash horribly.

___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 505 of 622                 Date: Tue 28/04/1998, 10:16 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: Talking of barmen...

  A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers.  When he does so, she begins to gently caress
his beard which is full and bushy.
  "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
  "Actually, no" he replies.
  "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.  "I'm afraid
I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused.  "Is there anything I
can do?"
  "Yes there is.  I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the
ladies."

___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 506 of 622                 Date: Tue 28/04/1998, 10:18 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: And one for Horus...

HUSBAND 1.0


There are alot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to
Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the
implications of this change...

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be
compelled  to
instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal
and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system
administration. This  program can also be a drain on many resources and
demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of
interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes
without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband
1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to
be running processes which you have not authorised. If this happens
alot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and
severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if
not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known
on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but
unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to
be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and
most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised
would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use
entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so
deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are inpossible to
eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not
understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic
functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking
mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than
originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down
correspondingly. If this happens,  be very careful as there is increased
risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also
tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often
multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn
unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make
huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old
versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have
the required result. This generally results in spawned processes
scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often
than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long
time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious
processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by
perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply
the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is
nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again
later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult
to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on
floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often
than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy
1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading
Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new
program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged
into any of your ports.
___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 507 of 622                 Date: Wed 29/04/1998,  4:42 pm  [E]
From: SPARKS                     Read: 18 times

     To: GURU
Subject: Re: A wonderful observation

>Microsoft today announced that they are to rename Windows 98 as "Windows
>Diana". They expect that it too will be superficially attractive,
>consume lots of resources and crash horribly.
>
I say "Har Har!" to Bill Gates, because at a press release, he was
demonstration how Win'98 was so easy to use, and it CRASHED on him!

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 508 of 622                 Date: Tue  5/05/1998,  3:51 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 20 times

     To: GURU
Subject: Re: Talking of barmen...

> >  "Yes there is.  I need you to give him a message" she continues
> >huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
> >him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the
> >ladies."
>
> Ai> ROTFL!
>
>???

I did it to Spiro (Not the sucking finger part tho!), and he almost wet
himself!

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 509 of 622                 Date: Wed 13/05/1998,  2:11 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: McDonnel Douglas

McDonnell Douglas                            98-03-30     16:31:00
Technical Support

The questionnaire below was posted very briefly on the McDonnell
Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of
humour. The company, of course, does not - and made the web
department take it down immediately.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
 QUESTIONNAIRE:

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out
the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey  questions is
not required, but the information will help us to develop new products
that best meet your needs and desires.

 1. Please tick those that apply:

     [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.  [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_]
Classified [_] Other

 First Name: ...............................................
 Initial:    ........
 Last Name:  ...............................................
 Code Name:  ...............................................

 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

     [_] F-14 Tomcat
     [_] F-15 Eagle
     [_] F-16 Falcon
     [_] F-117A Stealth
     [_] Classified

     3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ...... /......

     4. Serial Number:
.............................................

     5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

     [_] Received as gift / aid package
     [_] Catalog showroom
     [_] Independent arms broker
     [_] Mail order
     [_] Discount store
     [_] Government surplus
     [_] Classified

     6. How did you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased?:

     [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
     [_] Store display
     [_] Espionage
     [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
     [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
     [_] Was attacked by one

     7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

     [_] Style / appearance
     [_] Speed / maneuverability
     [_] Price / value
     [_] Comfort / convenience
     [_] Kickback / bribe
     [_] Recommended by salesperson
     [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
     [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
     [_] Backroom politics
     [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

     8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

     [_] North America
     [_] Central / South America
     [_] Aircraft carrier
     [_] Europe
     [_] Middle East
     [_] Africa
     [_] Asia / Far East
     [_] Misc. Third World countries
     [_] Classified

     9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:

     [_] Color TV
     [_] VCR
     [_] ICBM
     [_] Killer Satellite
     [_] CD Player
     [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
     [_] Space Shuttle
     [_] Home Computer
     [_] Other Nuclear Weapons

     10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate
all that applySmile

     [_] Communist / Socialist
     [_] Democratic
     [_] Terrorist
     [_] Neutral
     [_] Dictatorship
     [_] Corrupt
     [_] Primitive / Tribal

     11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

     [_] Deficit spending
     [_] Cash
     [_] Suitcases of cocaine
     [_] Oil revenues
     [_] Personal check
     [_] Credit card
     [_] Ransom money
     [_] Traveler's check

     12. Your occupation:

     [_] Homemaker
     [_] Sales / marketing
     [_] Revolutionary
     [_] Clerical
     [_] Mercenary
     [_] Tyrant
     [_] Middle management
     [_] Eccentric billionaire
     [_] Defense Minister / General
     [_] Retired
     [_] Student

     13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

     [_] Golf
     [_] Boating / sailing
     [_] Sabotage
     [_] Running / jogging
     [_] Propaganda / disinformation
     [_] Destabilization / overthrow
     [_] Default on loans
     [_] Gardening
     [_] Crafts
     [_] Black market / smuggling
     [_] Collectibles / collections
     [_] Watching sports on TV
     [_] Wines
     [_] Interrogation / torture
     [_] Household pets
     [_] Crushing rebellions
     [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
     [_] Fashion clothing
     [_] Border disputes
     [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

     Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas
serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive
ailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist
groups, and mysterious consortia.

     Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

     McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
     Marketing Department
     Military Aerospace Division
     P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO"
----------


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 510 of 622                 Date: Sat 23/05/1998,  3:27 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Beer troubleshooting

Beer Troubleshooting
----------------------------------------------------------------------

 SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
 FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
 ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
 FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
 ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

 SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
 FAULT:   Glass empty.
 ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

 SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
 FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
 ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.

 SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
 FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
 ACTION:  See above.

 SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
 FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
 ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
 FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
 ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

 SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
 FAULT:   You are being carried out.
 ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
 FAULT:   Bar has closed.
 ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

 SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
 FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
 ACTION:  Cover mouth.

___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 511 of 622                 Date: Sat 23/05/1998,  3:28 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 17 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: A man and a woman

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage,
empathise, serenade, compliment, support, floralize, feed,
tantalize, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube,
stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite,
pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return,
beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, crawl, tunnel, show
equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower,
shave, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, never ignore, defend, coax,
clothe,straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super
collide, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge,
polish, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, accept, butter-up,
hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, beg, plead, borrow, steal,
climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse,
resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay,
kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed,
deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicise,
murmur, snuggle, snoozle, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste,
nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean
floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky,
crystal
blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide,
slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle,
slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,
gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,
blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolise and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up.
___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 512 of 622                 Date: Sun 24/05/1998,  8:00 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 20 times

     To: GURU
Subject: Re: A man and a woman

>HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

I believe its somthing along the line of...
1,2,1,3,1,4,2-3,1,4,5,2,3,5,4,1,5
3,4,5
4
5
5
5,5,5,5,4,5,4 oh 5, god 5...

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 513 of 622                 Date: Fri  3/07/1998, 12:39 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Men are from Mars...

Men are from Mars, women obviously aren't... this one is GREAT!!!


Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves.
They c[Aontinue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one
of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that,
as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And
then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.
She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that.
Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship;
maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that
he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either.
Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think
about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving
steadily toward ...
I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other
at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward
children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of
commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ...
so that means it was ...
let's see ...
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car
at the dealer's, which means ...
lemme check the odometer ...
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset.
I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong.
Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more
comm[Aitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it-that I was
feeling some reservations.
Yes, I bet that's it.
That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.
He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again.
I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.
What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like
a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry.
And I don't blame him.
I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel.
I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next
to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me.
A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty.
I'll take their warranty and stick it ...
'Roger," Elaine says aloud.
'What?" says Roger, startled.
'P[Alease don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears.
"Maybe I should never have said.....Oh God, I feel so ..." (She breaks
down, sobbing.)
'What?" says Roger.
'I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs.
"I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly.
There's no knight, and there's no horse."
'There's no horse?" says Roger.
'You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger.
He's glad to finally know the correct answer.
'It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response.
Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) 'Yes," he says.
[B(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.
'What way?" says Roger.
'That way about time," says Elaine.
'Oh," says Roger.
"Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) 'Thank you, Roger," she says.
'Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.
Whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos,
turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a
tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is
no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if
he doesn't think about it.
(This is also Rogers policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored
with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: 'Bill,
did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Reply
#34
HUMOURMsg # 514 of 622                 Date: Fri  3/07/1998, 12:41 pm  [E]

From: GURU                       Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: Porirua 2004

(no offence intended to any anonymous BBS users, of course. Enjoy,
Bloodsword  Smile



Porirua Olympics 2004


  In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
organisers of Porirua's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events.
  A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

  OPENING CEREMONY
  The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a
native of the city (preferably from the Titahi Bay area), wearing the
traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van
situated on the roof of the stadium.

  THE EVENTS
  In previous Olympic games, Porirua's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Porirua'
athletes.

  100 METRES SPRINT
  Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven
(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

  100 METRES HURDLES
  As above but with added obstacles (i.e.. car bonnets, hedges,
gardens, fences, walls etc.)

  HAMMER THROW
  Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the  one who can cause the
most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
allowed.

  FENCING
  Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

  SHOOTING
  A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event.  The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas
style wages delivery man.

  BOXING
  Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.

  CYCLING TIME TRIALS
  Competitors will be asked to break into the Polytech bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

  CYCLING PURSUIT
  As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

  MODERN PENTATHLON
  Amended to include mugging, breaking  and entering, flashing, joy
riding and arson.

  THE MARATHON
  A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be
issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their
way round the course.

  SWIMMING
  Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the Porirua Harbour
enterance. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

  MENS 50KM WALK
  Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Porirua.

  THE CLOSING CEREMONY
  Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Whitby Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock
throwing and music by the Papakowhai Community Choir.
  The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old
washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next
to the stadium.  The stadium will be then boarded up before the local
athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the
central heating boiler.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 515 of 622                 Date: Mon 13/07/1998,  8:34 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 23 times

     To: All
Subject: Yup

Amish Mechanical Problems

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is
pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.
You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine.  Another thing, ma'am.  I don't like the way that one rein
loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.  I consider that
animal abuse.  That's cruelty to animals.  Have your husband take care of
that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter
with the cop.  Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes.  What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 516 of 622                 Date: Mon 13/07/1998,  8:35 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: nuva

Subject: Notice from Micro$oft

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition
of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama.  If
you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help
understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by
looking at the opening screen.  It reads WINDERS 98 with a background
picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag.

It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.  Also note the Recycle
Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal
Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel
is known as the Dern Dashboard,  Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel
drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag
and duct tape.
        OK =          ats aww-right
        cancel =     hail no
        reset =       awa shoot
        yes =         shore
        no =           Naaaa
        find =         hunt-fer it
        go to =       over yonder
        back =       back yonder
        help =        hep me out here
        stop =        ternit off
        start =        crank it up
        settings =   sittins
        programs =  stuff at does stuff
        documents =  stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or
 punctuation marks.  Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:

      tiperiter...........A word processor
      colering book.......a graphics program
      addin mershene......calculator
      outhouse paper .....notepad
      jupe-box ...........CD Player
      iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
      pichers.............A graphics viewer
      IRS.................M/S accounting software
      IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files

     coon dog.................American kennel club records
     fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
     NRA.................National  Rifle Association
     shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list
     riffel..............Winchester price list
     pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
     truck...............Ford & Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
     house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip
                 code
     car ................same as truck just need two list in Alabama
     cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
     tax records.........usually an empty file
     shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
     bud.................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
     rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
                            stations that carry the race
     car n truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
     doc ................veterinarians  by zip code


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 517 of 622                 Date: Mon 13/07/1998,  8:38 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: more

"Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
     "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
     "Why do you ask such a question?"
     "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife. "No,
     of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't
     you like being married?" said the wife. "Of
     course I do, dear" he said.
     "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
     "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
     "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
     "Yes" said the husband.
     "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
         long pause.
     "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
     "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her
         wear my old clothes?"
     "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
     "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the
         pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
     "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
     "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose
         you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
     "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She's left-handed."

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 518 of 622                 Date: Tue 14/07/1998, 12:32 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Sexist jokes

I like this one for some weird reason. Conjures up some interesting images
Smile


There's these three blonde haired, blue eyed girls, who discover a
geenie-bottle one day while walking along a beach. The geenie tells them
they can each have a wish.
  "I want even blonder hair!" says the first one. *poof* Her hair becomes
the most blonde of anyone in the world.
  "I want to have even bluer eyes!" says the second one. *bang* Her eyes
become the most blue of anyone in the world.
  "I wan't to be even stupider!" says the third. *pop* She becomes a man.




  Do men have any more use in the world? Yes - vibrators can't mow the
lawns...



  Time for the guys to get their own back:

  On a cargo plane heading across the pacific ocean, the two crew members
know they are going to die. There's a terrible storm outside, one engine
isn't working, and the plane is almost out of fuel. One thought is running
through the female co-pilot's mind: I've never had a man. I must have the
captain before I die!
  "Captain - make me a woman!" she cries to the guy sitting beside her. He
turns around, rips his shirt off, and says "Here, babe. Iron this"

Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 519 of 622                 Date: Fri 17/07/1998, 12:47 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: Bras

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the
salesclerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"There are three types," replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the
Salvation  Army type, and the Baptist type.  Which one do you need?" Still
confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds
"It is really very easy.  The Catholic type supports the masses, the
Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes
mountains out of mole hills. "


--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 520 of 622                 Date: Fri 27/03/1998, 10:26 am  [E]
From: RASPUTIN                   Read: 30 times

     To: HORUS                   Fwd From: :       Duh?  How come.......?     
Subject: Re: %$#@ Me?!

>Some of you may remember a post of mine where I was lamenting a
>phonecall I had concerning a job application. Well...today???...I get an
>envelope in the letterbox that went something like this.
>                       ***********
>
>Dear Mark,
>
>RETongueroduction Cleaner.
>
>Thank you for your interest in the position we advertised recently in
>the Evening Post.
>
>The number of responses we have received has been overwhelming and the
>quality outstanding.
>
>However, in this instance we regret that your application has not been
>successful.
>
>We wish you well in your endeavours to find a suitable position.
>
>Yours Faithfully
>....blah blah.
>                 *****************
>
>I read that load of dribble, promptly folded it into my back pocket and
>told the wife `That has got to go onto the board!'
>
>Now that I have done as I said, I am going to screw it up until all the
>sharp edges are gone and wipe my arse with it!

Seen a copy of The Grapevine that may've been in your letterbox a week
ago. It's advertising with jokes and articles mixed in. One of the jokes was
relevant. I put it aside somewhere, but now can't find it.
 It went along the lines of:

Dear Sir,
Thank you for sending me your rejection to my job application.
Yours was one of many rejections I received, and I'm replying to inform you
that i have considered your rejection and cannot accept it.
etc...  I will begin work in the new year... etc...

I'll post it in full when I find it, it's quite well done. 'Till then...

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 521 of 622                 Date: Fri  3/07/1998,  4:53 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 29 times

     To: GURU                    Fwd From: :          Gripes and Praises      
Subject: Re: Sparks

>Hmm... I forgot that metal conducts heat soo much better than the stone
>floor, so it seems her arms and wrists got frostbite and her hands and feet
>fell off and she escaped.
>  Oh by the way, I'm having 'fish fingers' for dinner tonite. Anyone care to
>join me?  ("mmm... tastes like chicken...")

Remindz me of a joke...

There was this Aussi holidaying in Spain during the bullfighting season.
He went to a restrant sat down and noticed this customer tucking into
the largest couple of crummed meatballs he'd ever seen.
When the waiter arrived he ordered the dish ans was so impressed with
the meal he ordered it every day for the next week.
One day he was waiting for his meal and the waiter arrived with a plate
containing the scrawniest couple of meat balls he'd ever seen.
On confronting the waiter he hot the reply..
Sir, this is Bullfighting season.
Some times its the Matador who wins...
and some days it is the Bull.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 522 of 622                 Date: Tue 28/07/1998,  6:35 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: Some humour for ya :>

Well, this is a short one.  But I just got a call indignant that our
software would not accept a date of 2/29/82

Me:  Well, 1982 was not a leap year.  It didn't have a February 29th.

Customer (a doctor's office):  You mean the father doesn't know his own
daughter's birthdate?

Me: apparently so....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

  I work for the computer support help desk at a large midwestern
university.  We also get calls for the local free-net. Apparently some
free-net users find the concept of a female tech support person slightly
strange.  This is a true story that simply must be told!  I answered the
phone one day:

"Information Services Help Desk, what can I do for you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I have a question."

pause.

"Okay."

"Can I talk to someone?"

"You can talk to me."

"It's complicated."

"That's okay."

"It's about COMPUTERS"

pause.  "Okay."

"It's about EMAIL."

pause.  "Go ahead and ask me."

pause.  "Okay, but stop me if it gets too complicated."

He wanted to know how to use the reply function in the free-net
email.  After telling him how to do it and hanging up, I was
laughing too hard to be insulted.  Still can't believe it happened.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I spent quite a few years doing tech support for a small billing software
company.

One day I took a call from a secretary who said that their file server
wouldn't boot up.

Seems they had re-arranged the furniture over the weekend, and had moved the
server without parking (remember parking?) the hard drive, thus toasting it.

So we brought the server in, installed a brand new hard drive, restored
their backups, and returned the server with strict admonishments that under
no circumstances should they move the server without calling us first.

I thought that would be the end of it, but a few months later the story
took a macabre twist.

The same secretary called, asking for permission and instructions to move
the server.

I asked if they were redecorating again. She said no, the paramedics needed
it out of the way.

Paramedics?!?!? Yes, poor Doris had suddenly stood up from her chair and
died of a heart attack, and the server was keeping the paramedics from
getting her onto the stretcher ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Working as a PC Specialist for a XXXXXXXX company, I provided install and
user support for about 600 users. One was a senior sales manager who called
screaming and cursing that her laptop would periodically reboot, causing a
major loss of time and "very important sales leads".

I went to investigate, as this was a high-profile user who could and very
often made life miserable for most of the techs in our IT group.

She demonstrated the problem for me, and sure 'nuff, every so often the
laptop would power off then on. I suspected a dodgy surge bloke, as sales
was cheap and only purchased the $1.95 specials. I returned about 15
minutes later with a brand new top of the line surge strip. The manager was
in a meeting with about 5 of her sales folks and told me to "FIX THE &*#%$
THING NOW" while she was busy berating the sales crew.

Crawling under her desk to locate the old cheap surge strip, I watched
intently as her unshod foot played with the power switch on the docking
station. She had been turning the power off and on with her toe while
fidgeting all this time.

I very quietly tapped her foot to get her attention, and showed her what
she had been doing.

Watching her turn bright red from the knees up was worth every miserable
call she had made up to that point. She bought my silence with a couple of
promo shirts, but I still get a laugh whenever I think of it.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I work for a private college as a help desk coordinator, and one day I got
this hysterical email.  "I'm not at work, I'm checking my email from home,
but I can't seem to read any of the emails.  There are no icons for me to
click so I can read the messages, therefore, I can only send mail, but I
can't read ANY of my email messages. Please email me ASAP and tell me what
I'm doing wrong!"

I wrote her back this: "Congrats, you figured it out!" which is about the
best I could have done.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a helpdesk, I was trying to explain a shortcut for the
user by telling them that they could  click on the right mouse button to
get to a short-cut  menu in Windows 95.

The user responded in a stern voice that she only had ONE mouse on her
system.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

One day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service
representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had
a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the
AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this
problem.

Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command...
maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS or the WIN.INI

<P>[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a
hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit
your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOSSMOKE and reboot your
computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch
for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this
guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]

Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is
incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one.  I
was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Not all tech tales are about dumbo customers.  Years ago, where I used to
work, we had this one tech.  A strange man he was, he would insist on doing
all of his phone calls from under his pod desk.  People working near him
would just see this dark curled form under the desk behind his chair,
muttering to customers.

One day, some lame-brain upstairs tried to grow a brain, and suggested that
to reduce the time it takes to solve a customers problems, they would offer
bonuses to those with the lowest call time.  Some other humanoid with a few
loose ganglia that worked above him said this was a  wonderful idea, but
instead of bonuses, we'll also give PENALTIES to the techs with high call
times. As you can imagine,  customer service hit an all time low rather
fast.

But this story is not about management that has long since been laid off,
it about this tech, who suddenly had a VERY low call time.  Average
customer time was about 10 minutes, and this guy had a low average of less
than four.  After a few months of this insane plan, some supervisors were
beginning to make sure that people weren't just hanging up on customers to
get low call times.  While listening in on this strange tech's calls,
here's what the first call sounded like:

Cust: Uh, my modem won't dial out.
Tech: Have you had a thunderstorm in the area recently?
Cust: Uh, this is Texas, son... we have a lot of them.
Tech: Sounds like your modem has been fired.
Cust: Oh, drat.

Rather a stretch without testing the modem first, so the supervisor made a
note, and kept listening.  The next few calls went like this:

[Call 2:]
Cust: I keep getting disconnected when I browse the web.
Tech: Have you had a thunderstorm recently sir?

[Call 3:]
Cust: When I log on, it says, "Invalid password."
Tech: Sounds like your modem's been hit by lightning.

[Call 4:]
Cust: My account is being charged to the wrong credit card.
Tech: I see this a lot during the stormy Spring season...

[Call 5:]
Cust: Where do I download the latest FAQ on FTP?
Tech: You can't.  The server was struck during thunderstorm.

[Call 6:]
Cust: This is your supervisor, come to my desk right now.
Tech: Uh, I can't... weather looks bad on the horizon...

The tech just packed his backpack after the last call, and was never seen
again.

We think he might have been hit by lightning.

----------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 523 of 622                 Date: Tue 28/07/1998,  7:04 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: And more ...

Technical Support line, Paul speaking.  How may I help you?

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

What sort of trouble?
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Went away?
"They disappeared."

Hmm.  So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing."

Nothing?
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?
"How do I tell?"

Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?
"What's a sea prompt?"

Never mind.  Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Does your monitor have a power indicator?
"What's a monitor?"

It's the part of your computer that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little
light that tells you when it's on?
"I don't know."

Well, can you find the power cord on the back of the monitor?  Can you see
that?
<pause> "Yes, I think so."

Great!  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall.
<pause> "Yes, it is."

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice the other cable plugged
into the back of the computer?
"No."

Well, I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
<pause> "Okay, here it is."

Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer.
"I can't reach."

Uh huh.  Well, can you see if it is?
"No."

Even if you lean way over?
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."

Dark?
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."

Will you please turn on the office light?
"I can't."

Why not?
"Because there's a power outage."

A power ... a power outage?  Aha!  Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Good!  Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
"Really?  Is it that bad?"

Yes, I'm afraid it is.
"Well, all right then, I suppose.  What do I tell them?"

Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I work in technical support and had a customer on the phone whose problem I
couldn't solve.
A colleague of mine named Richard walked past my office and while I had the
customer on speaker phone, I yelled to my colleague hoping he could help
"Have you got a second Dick?".

The customer nearly fell out his chair laughing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

You may have heard of this before, and I admit we were kinda mean to some
nice people, but at least this is true:

While I was working at a major telecommunications company, they started
converting from a mainframe/terminal system to PCs.  This was before LANS
-- printers were shared via a multi-port printer sharing box.

The secretaries in our area all shared the same printer.  One day a
secretary complained that everybody else could print but her. There was a
secondary walk space between the back of her computer and the wall, and
sure enough someone had knocked off her printer cable.

We plugged the cable in, tested, and everything was okay.  The secretary
asked "Where did my print jobs go?"  We tried to explain that those jobs
were gone, and that she just needed to resubmit them.  Since she was used
to the mainframe system, she couldn't understand that her data hadn't ended
up on another printer somewhere.

There happened to be a dirty spot on the wall behind her computer, made
over the years as people slid between her desk and the wall. Her printer
port happened to point towards that spot, so we told her that her print job
data had made the spot -- the data was electricity (to flow on the cable)
but since the cable fell off, the bits were shooting out the connector and
hitting the wall. We also warned her to check that her cable was on before
she walked through there, because the data bits would sting if they hit her.

Not only did she believe that, but she also had all of the other
secretaries checking their cables so they wouldn't get stung either.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A furious customer called in wanting a new system...I asked her, "Ma'm,
what's wrong with your computer?"

"I just got my computer, and I'm looking at the invoice sheet. And I was
told that this was going to be a new system, I didn't pay thousands of
dollars for a refurbished machine!"


"Ma'm, you have a new system there.  What's the problem?"

"Well, it says here that my hard drive is SCSI.  Why do I have a dirty hard
drive?!  I can't believe that you guys would actually send me this!!  I'm
going to the Better Business Beureu about this if you don't give me a new,
clean hard drive!!"

I asked the customer to hold for a moment, and broke out in laughter.  In
tears, I came back to the customer and explained what SCSI means, and that
she has a brand-spanking new hard drive.  I even had to have her take off
the case and show her that the hard drive was spotless.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Me:     What operating system are you using?
Her:    I don't know. What do you mean by operating system?
Me:     Mac? Windows? Linux?
Her:    Oh, Windows.
Me:     Which Windows?
Her:    What do you mean?
Me:     Which version of Windows are you using?
Her:    I still don't get it.
Me:     3.1? 95? CE? NT3.5? NT4.0?
Her:    Uhhhhh, hang on. [HOLD] NT 3.5.1.
Me:     Okay, now have you set up your Remote Access Service to dial?
Her:    What's that? [NOTE: I saw this response coming but I asked anyway.]
Me:     Never mind. Is your Program Manager open?
Her:    No, let me get that up. [PAUSE] Okay, it's open.
Me:     Do you see a group that says Remote Access Service?
Her:    No, I see TEMP, DOS, SYS...
Me:     You have FILE Manager open, not Program Manager. Close everything.
Her:    Okay.
Me:     Now double click on Program Manager.
Her:    You mean the icon that says Program Manager?
Me:     Yes.
Her:    Okay.
Me:     Now, do you see Remote Access Service?
Her:    No.
Me:     Right, we're going to have to install it then.
Her:    Do I do that by double-clicking on Remote Access Service?
Me:     Where do you see that?
Her:    In this big window on the screen.
Me:     Uuuh, okay, double click on Remote Access Service.
Her:    Okay. Now what?
Me:     Double click on Remote Access.
Her:    Okay. Now I've got this window. Do I choose [ISP name]?
Me:     Yes. Now what phone number are you dialing?
Her:    I don't know. Where do I find that?
Me:     It's in the field that says PHONE NUMBER right under the ISP name.
Her:    Oh, it's [number - not direct dial in number].
Me:     Hmm. What kind of an account do you have?
Her:    I don't know.
Me:     Is it a regular Dial Up? Dedicated Dial Up? ISDN?
Her:    I don't know.
Me:     Do you have any of your bills handy? It will say on those.
Her:    No, I don't.
Me:     Okay, is your system administrator there? The sysadmin should know.
Her:    I am the sysadmin.
Me:     Ah.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 524 of 622                 Date: Tue 28/07/1998,  7:33 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 18 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: and more...

Not exactly Tech Support, but my wife trains application software. On one
spreadsheet course, she was talking at length about cell addressing. One
client was looking very confused and taking copious notes. She finally put
up her hand and asked what all this was about salad dressing.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I really like some of my customers. Some people are so nice that I feel as
if I'm letting a friend down if I can't help them. I get a call one day
from one of my favs -

"some things print OK, some print garbage - HELP". Their apps are a mixture
of WINDOZE & DOS. The DOS stuff worked, the Win stuff didn't. "What has
changed", I ask. "Nothing", he says, "just the printer - but it's the same
printer".

Thinking there might be a config issue, I try to walk him through the
process and discover that 'the same printer' means that an ancient LaserJet
was replacing the latest model while the latter was in the shop. The DOS
stuff (old) worked and a quick trip to the Control Panel fixed the rest.

Half an hour passes and he calls back. "Same problem - same garbage
output". Could the setting revert? Was the driver corrupted?  We tried
everything I could think off. Finally, something he said clicked - "this
looks just like before". Duh! "Did you put the paper back in", I asked.
"Why yes, but I put it in upside down".

The different printer has a different paper path. The "garbage" was not
similar, it was the same garbage on the same paper.

-----------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 525 of 622                 Date: Tue 28/07/1998, 10:43 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 20 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: and more...

Now hears a REAL one from you, a call taken by somone I know personally
and have a documented "Customer Complaint" for...

The complaint reads...
I called your helpdesk and advised {the helpdesk person} that I had
a terminal that was frosen and needed to be reset.
They then replied with "What do you want me to do, Run up and down and
Piss on the Terminal!"
I hung up!

On investigation it was discovered that the helpdesk staff had asked
"Would you like me to Down & up the PIDS on the Terminal"
A common question I have asked several times a week but Luckilly (I
guess) I hav't been misquoted on so far...
(One of our systems uses PID names or P-IDs as a description for designated
Physical ID's for 2 sessions given to each terminal ID..

And I thought I had the best quote from my telecom days when a network
administrator was heard to say...
"I can't talk right now, the entire 4th floor has just gone down on me"

q8)

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 526 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  2:50 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: More tales :>

We work for a payroll software company in the tech support department. One
of the techs was on a rather long call with a user late at night.  While
trying to troubleshoot a problem she asked the user to get out of our
software and go to her Explorer.  The user was not happy with this request.
She said that it was raining outside and her "Explorer" was at the other
end of the parking lot.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Me: Thanks for calling (iSP), this is Frank, can I get your user name?
Customer: (xxx)
Me: Alright, and are you having a problem getting your mail, or getting
connecting?
Customer: Um..I can't connect.
Me: What kind of error message does it tell you?
Customer: (some error)
Me: Ok, let's go ahead and double-click on My Computer
Customer: (silence)
Me: (waiting for him to open it)
After a couple of seconds...
Customer: Ok.
Me: Alright, let's go ahead and double-click on Dial-Up Networking.
Customer: (silence)
After a couple of seconds...<BR>
Customer: Um..ok.
This goes on as we go deeper and deeper into his computer. Finally:
Me: Ok sir, we've reinstalled your modem and you said you had 2 phone lines,
so let's go ahead and try to connect.
Customer: Um..Nothing happened.
Me: What do you mean?
Customer: While you were doing all that, my screen stayed the same.
(baffled)
Me: You mean you already tried to connect?
Customer: No, I'm waiting for all those things to happen.
Me: You mean you weren't following me?
Customer: Oh!  I thought you were gonna do it all from over there.

Didn't you know?  Techs are actually spies!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

This tale may not qualify...though I am indeed a tech. This tale is about
my sister:

I got a call from my sister, using my home computer to search for
information with my Web browser and print them out.  She hadn't been using
the Web or computer for long.

"Hi!  What's up?"
"Are you busy right now?" (she sounded nervous)
"Nope, is there a problem with the computer?"
"Is it illegal to print out some Web pages?"
"I don't think so...unless somebody plans to sell or promote
the stuff as their own.  Why do you ask"
"I was printing, when a message came up saying it was
illegal, so I panicked and shut off the computer."

After a long pause, it hit me.  I asked if she had seen....

"The program has performed an illegal instruction"

After catching my breath from laughter, I explained that I was the ONLY
"Big Brother" who knew what she'd done, but she wouldn't talk to me for two
days....

---------------------------------------------------------------

While working as a tech for UNT College of Business Administration we had a
rash of Da'Boyz virus in our labs.  One day a woman came in with an
infected disk and asked if  it was OK to put her infected disk in the same
box with her other disks or would they get sick too.

I wanted to tell her to make sure it didn't sneeze or cough on the other
disks but my boss was right next to me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

This story takes place about 6 months ago. I work at a convenience store
that has a POS system installed  on the office computer. This helps us with
bookwork, and inventory. (by the way, this tale is about a tech - not a
customer) The original POS program was starting to fail repeatedly, and was
in need of upgrading. We contacted the company we got the original software
from, and made arrangements for the delivery and installation of the
upgraded version which even at this point in time was still a DOS program.
I  happened to be in the store on one of the two days the tech was there.
She was diligently working away in the office, and the boss and I were
standing near a display discussing business. The tech came wandering out
and seeing us, trotted over and asked us this:

"How do I get into Windows from DOS?"

(The computer has Win3.11 on it.)

My boss and I looked at each other, then turned to the tech and we both
said,"W - I - N, then hit 'enter'"

I still can't believe that, y' know?

------------------------------------------------------------------

One Saturday moning on a national PC support desk, the cust rings in saying
he has a problem with the PC.

JB: What's the problem?

Cust: Yeh, got loads a problems....[short pause].....WAIT, it's gone
complely dead!!!!!

JB: [Can hear an unusual noise in the background] Could you check the fuse
in the plug for me please?

Cust goes away, in the background I hear....

Cust (in background): You stupid &*#$%, I'm talking to the bloke about the
computer, unplug the hoover and put the plug back in NOW!!!

When the Cust returned to the phone....

Cust: Yeh mate, it's um.. come back on, it must be an INTERMITTENT problem!
!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day at the Product Support desk for a midsized software company an
impassioned e-mail came in from our Middle Eastern sales rep. It was
regarding our Arabic software. Turns out everytime a user would type in the
word "Allah" the software would crash.
Reply
#35
HUMOURMsg # 527 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  7:26 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>

Offensive jokes....


During the science lesson the teacher asked the third-graders if they could
tell her how a cat's tail was connected to its body.

  'How about you, Jimmy?' said the teacher.  'Come up here and use the
model on my desk.'  Little Jimmy approached the model and studied it
thoroughly.

  'Well, by the look of those nuts I'd say the damn thing's bolted on!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with a green ball in each hand?

Someone in perfect control of the Jolly Green Giant.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Michael was a handsome young man with a terrible problem: severe flatulence.
On his first date with a stunning young woman, he was able to control
himself for most of the evening, but finally, he needed desperately to
get home.  Unfortunately, his date insisted that he come home with her to
meet her parents.
  Sitting in the living room with the family dog, Baron, at his side,
  Michael could no longer fight nature.  He let out an audible fart.
  'Baron!' yelled the father.
  Thank God, thought Michael.
  Not too many minutes passed before Michael had to relieve himself again.
  'Baron!'  yelled the father again.
  Michael relaxed.  But nature would not be denied, and this time he really
  let one roar.
  'Baron!' screamed the father.  'Get away from that man before he shits
  all over you!'


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 528 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  7:36 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: More jokes :> got a million!

Little Stories.
-------------

Trust your relative, they know what they are Doing!!!
-----------------------------------------------------

There was once a mobster  who  employed  a  deaf'n'dumb accountant.

He was satisfied with the guy's work until the year he decided to
double-check the books and found that he was short two million dollars, so
he sent out a couple of goons to bring the guy into his office. An hour or
so later the cowering accountant arrived, accompanied by his brother, who
could speak sign language.


"You tell that son of a bitch I want to know where my two million bucks
is", boomed the  mobster.

After a quick exchange with his brother, the translator reported that the
accountant knew nothing about it.

The boss stood up, pulled out a gun, and came around the desk to hold it
against the accountants neck. "You tell this son of a bitch that if he
doesn't tell me where the dough is, I'm going to blow his brains out -
after I have the boys work him over."

This was duly translated to the quaking accountant, who gestured
frantically to this brother, explaining that the money was stashed in three
shoe boxes in his closet.

 "So whaddid he say?" interrupted the gangster impatiently.

 The translator turned and replied, "He says you haven't got the balls."


A frighfully bad joke.
----------------------

Out for an expedition in the country, an American, a German, and a pole
realized that night was falling and they needed somewhere to spend the
night.

After a long walk, they came to a farm and asked if they could sleep in the
barn. The farmer gave his permission and sent the American up to the top of
the hayloft, the German to the middle level, and the Pole to a pile of hay
on the ground floor.

 Late that night the American felt the urge to take a crap, and since there
was no toilet in the barn he did his business in his pillowcase and tossed
it over the side of the hayloft. Soon after, the German encountered the
same problem and solved it in the same way.

 The next morning the farmer offered breakfast to the travelers and asked
how they had slept.

 "Just fine, Thanks," said the American.

  "Very Well," answered the German.

  "Not bad," replied the Pole, "But I had to beat the shit out of two
ghosts."



Indian's have all the fun.
--------------------------

One day Barbara Walters was doing a special on the customs of the American
Indians. After touring a reservation, She asked her guide about the
difference in the number of feathers in various men's headdresses.

"Me only have one feather because me only have one squaw," was the reply.

Thinking this was a joke, Ms. Walters put the question to another brave, who
said, "Ugh. Me only have four feathers because only have four squaws."

Somewhat perturbed, Ms. Walters decided to interview the chief. "Why are
there so many feathers in your headdress?" She asked.

"Me Big Chief, so me fuck'em all - big, small, short, tall, me  fuck'em
all."

Ms Walters was horrified. "You ought to be hung!"

"You damn right," said the chief, "me hung like buffalo."

Ms. Walter cried, " You don't have to be so damn hostile!"

"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, and-style. Me Fuck'em all."

Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear..."

"No deer," said the chief. "Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. Me no
fuck deer."


How to Make $75,000 a day.
--------------------------

A little old lady walked into the main branch of chase Manhattan Bank with a
large paper bag in her hand. She told the young teller at the window that
she wished to take the 3 million dollars in her bag and open an account.

"But first," she said, "I want to meet the president of Chase Manhattan
because  of the large amount of money involved."

The teller seemed to think this was a reasonable request after opening the
paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills. He telephoned the Bank
President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The little old lady was escorted upstairs into the president's office,
introductions were made and she stated that she wanted to know the people
she did business with on a personal level. The Bank President then asked
how she came into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No" she replied.

He was quiet for a minute trying to think where this little old lady could
possibly have come into $3 million.

"I bet" she said.

"You bet?" repeated the Bank President, "as in Horses?"

"No" she replied, "I bet on people". Seeing his confusion she explained that
she bet different things with people... suddenly she said "I'll bet you
$25,000 that by 10:00 am. tommorrow morning, your balls will be square". The
Bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to accept
her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was
very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances and
retire early... there was $25,000 at stake after all.

After he woke and took his shower he carefully checked to ensure everything
was OK there was no change, he looked the same as always. He went to work
and waited foir the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he
went... he knew it would be a good day, how often do you get $25,000 for
doing nothing.

At 10:00 sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was
a younger man. When he enquired as to the man's purpose for being there she
informed him he was her lawyer and that she always took him along whenever
there was money involved.

"Well" she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you", he replied, "but I'm the same as always,
but $25,000 richer." The old lady seemed to accept this but requested that
she see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and
dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed
his testicles. Sure enough, everything was fine. The Bank President then
jumped up and saw the lawyer standing across the room violently banging his
head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" the Banker enquired.

"Oh him" she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 this morning I would
have the President of the Chase  Manhattan Bank by the balls."

(May your wisdom and future be that of the "little old lady" and may you
enjoy a properous year)


The Private Eye.
----------------

I am a PRIVATE EYE. Yesterday I was sitting in my New York office when
there was a knock on the door which scared me half out of my secretary.

My first case came in (and I polished off two  bottles, I am so tough that
I wear my clothes out from the inside).

Suddenly a tall blonde walked by  (I  knew  she  was tall because we were
on the seventh floor).

The phone rang and I knew something was wrong  (because I don't have a
phone). It was a girl and  I  knew something was definitely wrong (because
she told me).

I raced downstairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk (the jerk
got out and I got in).

The driver took the corner at 80 miles an hour  (A  cop stopped us and told
us to put it back).

We drove on the footpath (because a sign said "KEEP DEATHS OFF THE ROADS").

We were out of the city (I knew because we weren't hitting many
pedestrians).

As we came to my client's house  she  greeted  me  with a burning kiss
(then she took her cigarette out  and kissed me again).

She pointed two thirty eights at me (she also had a gun).

She had the most beautiful blonde hair on her head, she had teeth like the
ten commandments (all broken), she had the most beautiful eyes I had ever
seen (one was so beautiful that the other couldn't stop looking at it).

There was a man on the floor, he had stab  wounds  to his chest, bullet
wounds to  his  head  and  his  wrists were slashed (he was dead).

I took her for a drive in the country  and  a  brick came through the
window and hit her on the left  tit (breaking four of my fingers.

We got a flat tyre and she pumped and  I  pumped  and she pumped and I
pumped (Then we got out and fixed the tyre).

I took her home and she asked me in for a root  beer (the root was nice but
the beer was flat).

I gave her a goodnight kiss (but she closed her  legs and broke my glasses).



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 529 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  7:47 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: And more.... bored yet? ;>

What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a car?
  -- Getting an elephant pregnant in a car.

How did the male elephant find the female elephant in the deep woods?
  -- Marvellous!

How did the elephant hide in a bottle of sauce?
  -- He painted himself red.

Did it work?
  -- Have you ever seen an elephant in a bottle of sauce?

What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
  -- Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
  -- He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
  -- Here come the elephants.
 
What did Jane say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
  -- Here come the plums (She was colourblind)

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
  -- To hide in cherry trees.

How did Tarzan die?
  -- Picking cherries.

How do you fit 4 elephants into a red mini?
  -- 2 in the front, 2 in the back and their trunks in the boot.

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your refrigerator?
  -- A set of footprints in the butter.

How can you tell if there's 2 elephants in your refrigerator?
  -- 2 sets of footprints in the butter.

How can you tell if there's 3 elephants in your refrigerator?
  -- 3 sets of footprints in the butter.

How can you tell if there's 4 elephants in your refrigerator?
  -- Look for a red mini parked outside.

What did the elephant say to the nude man?
  -- Cute, but can you breathe through it?

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
  -- Wipe it off.

Where's an elephant's dick located?
  -- On his foot; if he steps on you, you're fucked.

What's the black stuff between elephant's toes?
  -- Slow Pygmies.

Did I mention that I have a wallet made of elephant foreskin?
  -- Yeh--and when you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant.

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
other things.
                -- Pablo Picasso

Why do ducks have flat feet?
  -- To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
  -- To stamp out flaming ducks.

How do you know if you pass an elephant?
  -- You can't get the toilet seat down.

Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
  -- Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Why do elephants tie springs to their feet?
  -- So they can bounce up the trees and rape monkeys.

What sound to monkeys fear most?
  -- Booooiiiiiinnnngggg Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?
  -- Because if it was small, white and smooth, it would be an Aspirin.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 530 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  7:49 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Clearing out me hard drive :>

Whilst working in tech support for a major Teco in Australia a colleague of
mine took a call from a rather confussed customer whose grasp of the
English language was less than ideal.

"Hello Sir, I understand you are experiencing difficulties with your mobile
phone."

"Yes my phone he sings to me."

"I am sorry sir how do you mean your phone sings to you?"

"Whenever I try to dial out he sing a song to me."

My colleague now very confussed pressed on.

"Perhaps you could sing the song to me sir?"

"Yes, he sing DO DO DO, DO DO DO."

A very good impression of an engaged tone.  This call became legend very
quickly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Years ago, I heard this little tale from a friend who worked for a major
office systems company.

A company ordered Dell mainframes, and had about a year of trouble- free
service.  Then, one day, his mail server went down.  He called us, because
his package was supposed to boot itself back up in case of failure, but
this time, it didn't.  You'd reboot it, and it would ask for a systems disk.

We suspected corrupt software, and reinstalled Windows NT and the mail
programs, and that fixed the problem.  Then, another went down, same
problem.  We did a "D&R", fixed.  Then it happened again.  And again. The
problem seemed to spread, and after a lot of site visits, the pattern was 2
or 3 would go down a night, all in the same general area.  We tried
replacing hardware, trying newer software, and the only thing that seemed
to work was actually moving the machines to a different area.  But the
machines we put it their place would go down. The area was a locked room
that the only people that had access was two techs, both who swore on their
honor they weren't doing anything. This company, fearing a virus or a
break-in,  launched an investigation that ended up being a massive
inconvenience to everyone in their office.  The problem kept happening.
Dell tried their best to help us, and finally the customer was speaking to
Dell directly. We feared losing the account, but Dell pulled a rabbit out
of their hat.

One of their techs, on a hunch, searched for a file called something like
QKENTFIX.DLL.

Sure enough, they were always on the machines that went down during the
night.  He suggested buying a Quick Cam, and leaving it on pointed at the
machines.  Sure enough, around midnight, it captured two people at machines
that went down the next morning.

What was it hunch?  This was a file that allowed people to play Quake over
the type of network this client had.  Only due to the specific
configuration we had, it actually overwrote an obscure Windows DLL file
that the mail program needed at bootup.  The two strangers would install
Quake, install the "fix", reboot the machine, play Quake, delete all
evidence (so they thought), and then reboot the machine again.  But the
uninstaller for the "fix" would leave that one file, and since it corrupted
the system software, NT would reboot, looking for the correct file (which I
think as needed to boot the mail server software).

Who were the two strangers?  Two tech-wanna be guards for the building our
client leased from.  It turns out they have a full set of keys for every
office, and was using our client's computer room to play Quake from
midnight to 4am.

Dell told us the problem was not as uncommon as they'd like.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A few years back, I was a Support Engineer for a major spreadsheet app, and
got a call from a nice gentleman, who introduced himself as the parish
priest from a local church.  He explained his problem in a calm and
thorough manner, and after asking him a few questions, I knew exactly how
to handle his problem, a common one for this app.

As with many Tech Support departments, we had documents identifed by
numbers from 100 to over 1000 on a fax service, and I instantly knew which
one he would need.

"Sir, we have detailed instructions on a macro which will solve this
problem for you, you need merely call our 800 number, enter the document
number, and follow the instructions."

"Very well." He said.  "What is the document number?"

"That would be Tech Info Document number six hundred-sixty-uh-six."

"Oh my!" He said.

"Eeyeah." I said.

He thanked me for my time, and hung up.  As far as I know, he never called
back, his problem solved one way or another...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I work for an ISP, and we got this call...
"Hello, Tech Support, can I help you?"
"Yeah, this thing won't connect."
"Is it Windows 95?"
"Yes."
"What error message did you get when trying to connect?"
"Incompatible set of Network Protocols, I believe,"
"Great.  That should be an easy one to fix..."

Oh, how little we know.  Our standard procedure for fixing that particular
error was to reinstall Dial-Up Networking, reconfigure the TCP/IP stack,
and go.  99 percent of the time, it works.  Not today. I ended up
reinstalling DUN about four times, and each time, I would get the same
error message as before.

"OK, sir, let's try this."
"What, another one?"
"Yes, sir."  I took him to the connection properties for his DUN
connectoid.
"OK, sir, let's try and slow it down, maybe we can get the equipment
to connect at a lower speed."
"Sound pretty good, let's try it."
45 minutes and ten call-backs (the guy only had one phone line, so I
had to hang up in between each try) later, we had set his modem to
9600, no data compression, no error control, terminal window upon
login, no flow control, no FIFO buffers, no ANYTHING.  And still, the
same message again and again. I was pretty frustrated, and so was my
customer.  I mumbled, "Sir, do you have a chainsaw or an axe handy?"
"Yes, I do, in fact.  Do you think that might help?"
"OK, here's what you do.  We'll set all the settings back the way they
were when we started, you go get the axe and threaten the computer
after we hang up.  Make them good ones, ones that would scare Saddam
Hussein into a quivering puddle of Jell-O."
"I can do that; I used to be a DI in the Army."
"Great.  Let's give it a shot."
We set his DUN settings back to normal, he got the axe.
We hung up, he evidently said some nasty things to his machine after
he rebooted it, and lo and behold, it worked.
He connected at full speed, no problems.
He called back about ten minutes later after disconnecting.
"Sir?" I said, "Did it work?"
"Perfectly.  I've never seen faster Internet service.
Thanks for the tip, I'll keep that one in mind."
"Glad we could help sir," and then we hung up.
Then I fell down on the floor laughing. Smile

--------------------------------------------------------------------

This happened a couple of years ago, while I was working at a cellular
phone company in upstate New York...

I received a call from a user in the customer support dept. She said: "My
computer won't work....I think it's the mouse." Amazed by this lady's
problem resolution skills, I told her "It is highly unlikely, that your
mouse would cause your whole computer to stop working", however, I said I
would drop by her desk to investigate the problem.

I got to her desk and sure enough, her computer was dead.
Turned on the power switch and nothing happens. Checked the tangle of
cords behind the computer to confirm that the power cord was plugged
in to the PC. It was.
Hmmm?
I visually traced the tangle of cords to the power strip and it was
plugged in there too.
I said: "I thought that perhaps you had inadvertently turned off the
power strip..." and she says "No. I know about the power strip. I turn
the machine off with it, instead of turning off every part of the
computer individually. That was something (another techie) had taught
me a while ago....." "Very good!" I said, "You see? Technology really
does make our lives easier." ;}

With all power connections confirmed, my only thought was her power
supply had pooched, so I got on the phone to see if we had a
replacement unit in stock.
While I'm on the phone ordering her power supply, she's in the
background telling me she *really* thinks it's the mouse. I finished
ordering the part and got off the phone, gently explaining to her
"there was no power to the PC even though it was correctly plugged in
everywhere.....it *wasn't* a mouse problem...I'll be back in a couple
of hours with a replacement power supply".

Two hours later, I came back with her replacement power supply and
began the work of liberating her PC from under her desk. I pulled the
PC out far enough that I could get back behind it and disconnect all
the cables. To my surprise, I found the power cord attached to the PC,
but about 20" away from that the cord had been completely severed! So
I'm sitting under her desk with this puzzled look on my face, staring
at the free end of her power cord.
She said: "See! It was the mouse!"
I say: "Huh?"
She says: "That damn mouse! It's been chewing on everything here. It
even ruined a pair of shoes I leave under my desk!"
Upon closer inspection of the power cord, I find that the woman was
right. The severed end had been chewed by a mouse (or rat, I'm not
sure). The thing had the jaws to chew completely through a power cord!
Well, I have to tell you that this one cost me lunch that day, just to
make it up to the woman. She was right. It was the mouse. Go figure!

P.S: I ammended our call ticket app. as a result of this call. When
anyone calls saying they think it's a mouse problem, we ask them "How
many buttons does your mouse have?" If they say "One" it's a MAC, if
they say "Two" or "Three" it's a PC. If they say "None, just four
feet" we call the exterminator Smile


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 531 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  8:00 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: And more :>

Here's one you can have a bit of fun with. It dates from the days of
Britains entry to EC. It is an excerpt from a humorous compendium of
motoring terms in Anglified German.

They take a bit of reading, slowly pronouncing them as you go. :-)

Indicators:     Die blinkenlightenmittokenfurturnen.
Bonnet:         Der Fingerpincer und kopfchopper.
Exhaust:        Das Spitsenpoppenbangentuben
Speedometer:    Der Egobooster und lineshootenbackruppen.
Clutch:         Das Kupplinverk mit schlippen und schtiken.
Air horns:      Das vatderhellvosdat klaxonfanfaren.
Puncture:       Das phlat mit dammunblasten.
Learner-driver: Der Dumpkoptf mit Elplatz.
Station Wagon:  Der schnogenvagin mit bagzeroom furrompinderbacken.
Mini:           Der Buzzenboxin mit traffikverringfitshakeen und
                fingerrazen.
Petrol:         Das koslijooze fur geddinzegreezoffenddertrousen
Motor club:     Der meettinghause fur wagen-natteringcluborisenn und
                chatterinupziebirsds.
Judge:          Der khortfuhrer mit schauten "zweihunnermarks und
                lizenenzendorzen."
Parking Meter:  Daz tannerpinscher klockenworks.
Wiper:          Das flippenfloppen-muckschpreredundsticken.
Crossroads:     Das Kussundschveeringstrassen.
Roundabout:     Das eeoohezitatzisschlost.
T Junction:     Das vergutnessakedontgostraitonnethorner.
Power Brakes:   Die schtoppinverks mit edbangerendervindskreen.
Rail Crossing:  Die flattennittderpuffpufftraken.
Low Bridge:     Das makengrossenbus in singledekker.
Rear Engine:    Die frauwasserinderpetroltankenputten.
Front Engine:   Die fraupetrolindiewassertankenputten.
Gear Stick:     Das kangaroopanpickenschticke.

Well did you get them?

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 532 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  8:01 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Sigh...

This happened late last year. I was working the noon to eight shift at my
office. As PC/Lan support for a 200+ user network, I have heard it all...
or so I thought. I got a call from a particular lady:

"My computer won't shut off" she said.

"Won't turn off?" I asked, mystified.

"Yes! Really, I've tried for 30 minutes! and I have to go home! I don't
have time to argue with this thing" She ranted.

"OK, ok, I'll be right up" I replied.

So, I walked up to the next floor where she sat. All the while thinking all
manner of strange things like wiring shorts, or perhaps a faulty power
supply... I had an image in my mind of her jerking the cord out of the wall
and it leaping out of her hands and plunging itself back in to the socket!

I found her sitting there with three or four others watching this bewitched
machine. I watched as she demonstrated her problem.

Sure enough, she hit the button and paused as the machine began to count
RAM and boot up.

"SEE!!!" she said completely vindicated.

I asked her to repeat it once more and watched her very closely.

As it turns out she was tapping the "reset" button repeatedly...

----------------------------------------------------------------

There was a user who had the same problem over and over again, when
the techie was not there: The computer was beeping all the time. After
several attempts to find what was happening, the techie just stayed
beside the user to see her work, until she got the failure. What
happened is that her chest was so big that it overlayed the keyboard
when she was not working with it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine who does individual client contracting told me this story.

At one time, a friend of mine had a rather good contract with a smaller
company in a "rent-by-the-month" kind of office. He has heard about the
"experience level" of some of the workers, and dreaded the worst. But for
the most part, he had very few on-site calls, since a majority of the
problems involved "how do you save a file in WordStar 4.0" and so on.

Then one day, he was called to say he had to come on site, because a
secretary was having problems with her mouse. In the background, he heard
someone shout, "Tell him it's haunted!" This he had to see.

This secretary was no dummy. She tried everything to fix this problem,
including calling the support department at Logitech. They simply didn't
believe her. This was the problem: Once in a while, at random times during
the day, the mouse pointer went crazy, jumped all over the screen, clicked
and moved random icons, launched programs, emptied her recycle bin, and
acted on a mind of its own. Then it would stop. If she used the mouse, she
could "fight" it, but the pointer would become more vicious, and the
problem would last longer, as if to say, "I'm in control here,
AHAHAHAAAaaa!" The computer was the talk of the office.

But it happened so infrequently, that the owner could never reproduce it on
command. My friend looked in Windows, did a virus check, and nothing came
up. He re-installed the mouse drivers, called Logitech back, and everything
seemed fine. Luckily, it happened while my friend was trying to fix it, and
it did seem to have a life of its own. It opened programs, dragged things
into the recycle bin, and if you "fought against" it, it would move
quicker, and moved with such precise measure, you would think it was being
controlled by a sentient force (that is, didn't randomly zip all over the
place, it *looked* like someone else was controlling the mouse). It was a
cordless mouse, so his first thought was an error in the receiving unit,
but Logitech ran a diagnostics on it that passed every time.

My friend then asked if anyone else used a cordless mouse, and everyone in
that office did, but the secretary was the only one who had any problems
with it. My friend pondered what could cause such interference, until he
had an idea, and went to the office next door. Sure enough, on a printer
server they had, they had the same problem. It turns out that the receiver
was close enough to the wall to be picked up by the secretary's receiver.
The computer was only used a few times a day, and the person in charge of
it never told anyone because she thought she just wasn't using the mouse
right, and everyone would think she was crazy. After they repositioned the
secretary's desk, she never had the problem again.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 533 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  8:13 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: More humour :>

My favorite story from my time as an Apple Technical Lead was this
one:

I received a call from a frantic woman asking me to tell her how to
hook up her new computer. However, there was so much background noise
that I could barely hear her over it. So I asked her, "Miss, do you
think you could turn down your TV, because I'm having trouble
understanding you."

"It's not my TV - I'm at the airport", she replied.

"You're setting up your computer at the airport - do you work there?",
I asked.

"No, just traveling" she replied.

"Well maybe waiting until you get home to set it up is a better
idea.", I offered helpfully. "It might be a little more relaxing and
easier to communicate. And don't worry, your warranty is good anywhere
you travel." I'm also racking my brain, trying to see why she's even
attempting this in an airport.

"Look, they won't let me on the plane with it, okay? Security thinks
it's a bomb, and I have to power it on to prove to them it isn't."

I had to laugh. The call took about a half an hour (she was shouting
my instructions from a pay phone to her husband, who was about 50 feet
away from her at the security checkpoint), but finally we booted up
without blowing anything up - and she was so happy about it, she even
wrote a glowing thank you letter about me to the company.

----------------------------------------------------

This is not a first person story, but rather about a friend of mine that
was a computer Field Engineer (FE). Back in the old days, FEs installed and
maintained all computer hardware, on-site, and in person.

During the conversion from the old mechanical accounting machines to the
electronic accounting machines (long before personal computers) my friend
was dispatched to a small one accountant office to install their first
computer. The programming had been done, tested, approved, and the staff
had been trained. It was just a matter of replacing the mechanical
equipment with the electronic computer accounting machine.

Once installed, the FE asked the accountant to check out the new equipment.
They inserted the paper journal (that is how it used to work) and entered a
transaction. The results were calculated and immediately printed along with
a prompt for the next transaction.

The accountant acknowledged that the results were correct but the machine
was going too fast and they did not think that was the way it was supposed
to work. The FE (with tongue planted firmly in his cheek) said that was no
problem, he would slow it down just a little. He unplugged the machine,
tied a knot in the power cord and plugged it back into the wall. He asked
the accountant to try it one more time. They did and said it was much
better.

Back then, FEs not only installed the equipment, they also did periodic
preventive maintenance. Three months later, the FE returned for the first
maintenance call.

He found:

a. The power cord knotted to a length of about one foot.

b. A twenty five foot extension cord attached and knotted to a length of
about three feet.

c. An absolutely delighted accountant who proclaimed "I love this system,
it is now operating at just the right speed!!!!"

The FE smiled, changed the printer ribbon, cleaned the appropriate
mechanical areas, and said he would be back in three months.

Anybody out there yearn for technical solutions like that?????


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 534 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  8:20 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: blah :>

Top Sixteen Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard

16. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
15. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
14. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
13. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
12. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
11. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
10. Kirk says "Prime Directive?  What Prime Directive?"
9.  If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down
    its neck.
8.  Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
7.  The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly
    translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
6.  If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
5.  If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
4.  Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute
    things, like Tribbles.
3.  Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
2.  Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even
    impressed.
1.  Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.

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HUMOURMsg # 535 of 622                 Date: Mon  3/08/1998,  8:26 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: And more :>

PARTY GAME FROM HELL
*********************

HUNT THE CRISP
A game for hosts wishing to economise on the catering. 

You'll need: large quantities of stale French Bread; six paper plates 
smeared with butter to give tthe impression that supplis of same have 
recently run out: ditto cheese, three empty pate bowls smeared with cat- 
meat: very large casserole or stew-pot empty save for small portion 
instant bourgignon sauce: two sticks celery; and several bowls containing 
pulverised remnants of potato crisps, etc.

In mid-party lower the lighting and distribute the above discretely on
tables, chairs, etc to ctreate the impression that the majority of guests
have just devoured a large and satisfying meal.


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HUMOURMsg # 536 of 622                 Date: Thu  6/08/1998,  5:21 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 16 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>

Graffiti :>



IF GOD EXISTS THAT'S HIS PROBLEM.

----

HOMES FOR RETIRED SEMEN
written on condom vending machine.

----

AVE MARIA
don't mind if I do.

----

WHY NOT BUY 144 AND BE GROSSLY OVERSEXED.
;written on condom vending machine.

----

Love is 3 minutes of squelching noises

----

JESUS LIVES!!
does this mean no Easter?

----

WORST CHEWING GUM I EVER TASTED
;Written on condom vending machine

----

Faith can move mountains!
-She's a big girl.

----

STAMP OUT VANDALISM OR I'LL BREAK YOUR WINDOWS.

----

YOUR FAMILYS FUTURE IS IN YOUR HANDS.
;written in gents lavatory.

----

I'm so horny, the crack of Dawn had better watch out!

----

INSERT BABY FOR REFUND.
;written on condom vending machine.

----

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING UP HERE FOR?
ARE YOU ASHAMED OF IT?
-No, I'm trying to look over it.

----

Drivers- Don't pull out to avoid a child -
you might fall off the bed.

----

Disarm all rapists

----

BEWARE RETREADS.
;written on condom machine.

----

All this beer drinking will be the urination of me.

----

This wall is also available on cassette at most good record shops.

----

Two's company, three's a deformity.

----

This wall is in its 14th edition.

----

Please don't throw cigarette butts on the floor; the cockroaches are
getting cancer.

----

(Written on outside of toilet stall door)
"This is an express line for people with seven items or less"

----

Sex is like the game of Euchre -
if you've got a good hand, you may as well
go it alone.

----

Contraceptives should be used at every conceivable occasion.

----

If 'PRO' is the opposite of 'CON',
what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

----

BEAM ME UP, SCOTTIE!
-I canna do it, cap'n. You're surrounded by steamy vapours that are causin'
a disengagement of the transmitter ray.
-Any ideas, Spock?
-Try another stall, and this time don't fart.

----

The water in this establishment has personally been passed by the manager.

----

Don't send your compliments to the chef -
he doesn't like sarcasm.

----

Stick up for your dad - he stuck up for you.


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HUMOURMsg # 537 of 622                 Date: Thu  6/08/1998,  5:23 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: And more :>

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he
answers the door, a six foot cockroach is standing there. The cockroach
immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.

The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When
he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time it punches him,
kicks him, and karate chops him before running away.

The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When
he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and
stabs him several times before making off.

The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an
ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.

The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what
happened, so the man explains about the six foot cockroach's attacks,
culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going
around."
Reply
#36
HUMOURMsg # 538 of 622                 Date: Sun  9/08/1998,  7:29 pm  [E]

From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Hmmm

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very
horny.  (So, how is this different than any other time in a man's
life? -- Zos)

Anyway, as he is passing a pumpkin patch,
his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around
here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a
nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it,
and begins to shag the pumpkin.

After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police
car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir,
but do you realize that you are shagging a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and
says, "A pumpkin? Oh my gosh....is it midnight already?"

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HUMOURMsg # 539 of 622                 Date: Sun  9/08/1998,  7:31 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: nuva

An old man was driving down the interstate at 22miles per hour.  He
never went above or below.  An officer noticed and followed him a
while and then pulled him over.  Before the officer could even get to
the window, the man was saying, "I was not speeding.  The speed limit
is 22 mph and that is exactly what I was doing.  I was not speeding."

The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I
pulled you over for going to slow."

"But," the man said, "the sign says 22.

The officer told him that he was on Interstate 22.  As the man shook
his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies
sitting inside the car.  All of them were sitting with their mouths
hanging open and spit drooling down the side.  Their faces were void
of color and their hair was completely messy.

The officer leaned toward the man and said, "What's wrong with them?"

The man said, "Well, we just came off of Interstate 134."

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HUMOURMsg # 540 of 622                 Date: Sun  9/08/1998, 11:44 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: More?

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention, when
their car breaks down.  They are unable to get repairs completed and
it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.  The
only motel in this small town has only one room available, so they
have a minor problem.

Priest:  "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under
the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.
I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed."

Sister:  I think that would be okay."

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the
room.  Ten minutes later......

Sister:  "Father, I'm terribly cold."

Priest:  Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet."

Ten minutes later.....

Sister:  "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

Priest:  "Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket."

Ten minutes later.....

Sister:  "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord
would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."

Priest:  "You're probably right....get up and get your own damn
blanket."

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HUMOURMsg # 541 of 622                 Date: Sun 23/08/1998,  6:17 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 17 times

     To: All
Subject: Monica :>

 A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an
operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine Miss
Lewinsky" he said.

        She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a
normal sex life again doctor?"

        The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's
the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

        He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has
ever asked me that after having her tonsils out."

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 542 of 622                 Date: Wed  2/09/1998,  9:52 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: :>

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost
the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second
half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he
could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit
card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen
dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to
hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling
pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a
cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to
the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for
you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What??? Get the hell out of my
cab!!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked
"How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Zos... Now thats Funny!!   Smile

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HUMOURMsg # 543 of 622                 Date: Wed  2/09/1998,  9:56 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: For Col...   :>

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a
nice big hog.

So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having
much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for
sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint
condition.

He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it
in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make
sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the
chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike
I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he
hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike
over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That
night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house.
It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big
impression.

When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go
in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything
during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is
a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of
dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks,
dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the
situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend.

No one says a word.

So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts.
He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs
his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner
table.

Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he
grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
dinner table.

Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's
starting to rain.
He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the
Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do
the damn dishes."

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 544 of 622                 Date: Wed  2/09/1998, 10:04 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 15 times

     To: All
Subject: EAASL

The following are actual sentences from compositions and tests.  They were
written by students of English as a second language (ESL students) at a
large language school in Taipei, Taiwan. The teachers at this school put
them up on a poster-sized piece of paper labeled "Fox Paws" (Faux pas).

1.  My major was pubic relations.
2.  My house is in hell, near the ocean. (on a hill...)
3.  When I was younger, I was an only child, so I would play with
    myself.
4.  During that time, many people suffered from being dead.
5.  What's your apartment like?  It's like a box.
6.  My friend had a car accident, he was in the garage for a week.
7.  At midnight, I and my cousin went out to fire crackers.
8.  My classmate didn't eat at that place because he is a vegetable.
    (vegetarian)
9.  After that, I would travel around the world to develop my
    eyesight.
10. Penalties are not strict enough; therefore, large people don't
    abide by traffic rules. (large people = adults)

11. Bees buzz, birds chirp, and humankind sins. (sings...)
12. In her spare time, she likes to look at navels. (read novels)
13. (from a high level class) She had gone to graduate school, but she
    dared not to face her rival--a tall, beautiful, uneducated whore.
14. Holding a glass of wine, I stripped and poured the wine on a
    gentleman.
    (tripped)
15. (to a host) Thanks for your dinner. You must get in a lot of
    trouble.
    (You must have gone to a lot of trouble.)
16. He was late because he fell into the jam. (got caught in a traffic
    jam)
17. Q: When was the last time you received a present, and what was it?
      A1: I got to watch for my last birthday.
      A2: I saw the last president in 1992. He was dead.
18. I am a housewife with two sons, aged 9 and 67.
19. My name is Sharon. I am a house.
20. (re: going to a restaurant) I'm going to a restaurant. Do you want
   to enjoy me? (join me)

21. Neither the blind nor the dogs would like being taken apart.
    (separated)
22. One night, I went to somnambulate at home...


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HUMOURMsg # 545 of 622                 Date: Sun  6/09/1998, 10:30 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: When men prefer sex.

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex?
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 546 of 622                 Date: Sun  6/09/1998, 10:31 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: signs its time to stop breast feeding

Top 10 Signs Your "Baby" Is Too Old For Breastfeeding

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."

1. Beard abrasions on nipples.

Damn, Damn, Double Damn! knew I was weaned waaaaay too soon.

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HUMOURMsg # 547 of 622                 Date: Sun  6/09/1998, 10:34 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: Ten bottles of bourbon   .*hic*

Whiskey

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife
to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I withdrew the
cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with
the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork
from  the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass,  which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I pulled
the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle
down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the cork of
the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the
glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and
sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came
by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle,which I drank.  I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some
tinkle peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool
so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.

Zos.. God I need a drink!  ;>

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 548 of 622                 Date: Tue  8/09/1998,  5:28 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: Rabbits and smoking.


A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been
born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound,
he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first
time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before
he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight
lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped.
Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots
growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as
well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely
full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's
one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said,
pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go
and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning doing what little rabbits do
until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you
liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm
dying for a cigarette.'

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 549 of 622                 Date: Thu 10/09/1998, 12:41 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Why me?

The mathematician, the physicist, and the engineer were given a
red rubber ball and told to find the volume, so the mathematician
measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral, and the
physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water,
and measured the total displacement, and the engineer looked up
the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

The difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers
is that mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build
targets.

The optimist sees a glass that's half full.
The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Two guys are captured by cannibals and they're stuck naked in a
big pot of water over a fire and the water gets hotter and hotter
and all of a sudden, one guy starts laughing, and the other guy
says, "What's so funny?" "I just peed in their soup!"

Do you prefer port, or sherry, darling?
Oh, port, by all means. To me, port is the apotheosis of wine. A
glass of vintage port is almost orchestral in its complexity, and
between the bouquet and the finish, there is such a panoply of
colors, of tonal textures.
And sherry makes me fart.

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic's birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.

You know, once it got so cold in Minnesota...
How cold did it get?
So cold, I woke up in the morning and found these little chunks
of ice in my bed and when I warmed them up they went,
pppppppppppppppp.

A man driving down the road gets pulled over by a policeman. The
policeman says, "You're drunk." And the driver says, "Well thank
God for that, I thought the steering had gone!"

The old lady walks up to the old man at the old age home and she
says, "If you drop your pants I'll bet I can tell your age." So,
the man drops his pants, and she says, "You're 83."
You're right! How could you tell?
You told me yesterday.

This man is celebrating his 90th birthday at the nursing home and
his friends decide to surprise him and they wheel in this big
birthday cake and out pops a beautiful young woman who says, "Hi,
I can give you some super sex!" And the old man says, "Well, I
guess I'll take the soup.

How much to have this tooth pulled?
Ninety dollars.
Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?
Well, I can do it slower if you like.

Say, Doctor? What was wrong with that nun who just came running
out of your office? She looked terribly pale.
Well, I examined her, and told her she was pregnant.
Is she?
No, but it sure as hell cured her hiccups!

A nun comes into the office of the mother superior and whispers,
"Mother Superior, we --uh -- we have discovered a case of
syphilis."
Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.

Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that
he's a lawn mower.
That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?
Because the neighbor just returned him this morning.

What's wrong with your brother?
He thinks he's a chicken, Doctor.
Really. How long has he thought this?
Three years.
Three years!
We would've brought him in sooner but we needed the eggs.

Hello? Is this the state mental hospital?
Yes, it is.
I'd like to speak to Mr. Russell in room 27.
One moment and I'll connect you........I'm sorry, Mr. Russell is
not answering.
Good. That means I must have really escaped then.

Are you a lawyer?
Yes.
How much do you charge?
A hundred dollars for four questions.
Isn't that awfully expensive?
Yes. What's your fourth question?

We always knew that you could get AIDS from sex and now President
Clinton has showed us you can get sex from aides.
He never told Monica Lewinsky to lie.
He told her to lie down.

They had a President's Day Sale at Macy's -- all men's pants were half off.

They took a poll of American women, and they asked, "Would you
have an affair with Bill Clinton?" and 70% said "NEVER AGAIN!!"

So ---- Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton went to Emerald City to
see the Wizard of Oz. And Dan Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the wizard for
a brain." And Newt Gingrich says, "I am going to ask him for a heart." And
Clinton says, "I wonder where Dorothy is?"

If you see a Bill Gates on a bicycle, should you swerve to hit him?
No. It might be your bicycle.

Why should Bill Gates be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, he's a really good man.

What's the difference between God and Bill Gates?
God doesn't think he's Bill Gates.

So, a little boy and a little girl were talking on the playground and the
little boy said, "My daddy's an accountant.
What does your daddy do for a living?" She said: "My daddy's Bill Gates."
"Honest?"
"No, I didn't say that."

Did you hear that after she broke her leg, Picabo Street, the Olympic
skier, is donating money for a very special hospital wing?
It's going to be called the Picabo ICU.

Did you hear that Louise Woodward will shortly be taking over as
manager of the Spice Girls?
The first thing she intends to do is drop Baby Spice.

What do you call a musician who's broken up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why do drummers leave their sticks on the dashboard when they
park?
So they can use the handicapped zones.

How does a girl know she's dating a French horn player?

When he kisses you he has his hand up your rear end!

How do you get a drummer out of your house?
Pay him for the pizza.

How do you get a guitar player to turn down the volume?
Put sheet music in front of him.

What's the difference between a baritone sax and a chain saw?
Vibrato.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To try and get away from that sound.

What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza?
A fourteen-inch pizza can feed a family of four.

After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes and when he gets home,
filthy, exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight
hours ago!" I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to
interrupt her.

Dad! I just got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Too bad they didn't give you a speaking role.

So, what'll it be, mister?
Tell you what. I want eggs hard and burned around the edges, I want my
bacon burnt to a crisp, and I want my toast blackened and hard, I want my
coffee bitter, and when you bring me my food, I want you to yell at me.
What, are you crazy?
No, I'm homesick.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop
the snoring before it starts.

If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around, is he
still wrong?

If a woman is in the forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she
still complaining?

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the
fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

If I died, would you marry again?
Yes, I would.
And would you let her come into my house?
Yes.
Would she sleep in my bed?
Probably, yes.
Would she use my golf clubs?
Definitely not.
Oh, why not?
Because she's left-handed.

A woman was going through her husband's desk drawer and discovered three
soybeans in an envelope containing $30 in cash. So she asked him about it.

Well, I have to confess --- over the years, I haven't been completely
faithful to you. But every time I cheated I put a soybean in the drawer to
remind myself. So where did the thirty dollars come from? Well, when
soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I decided to sell.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and they've bought jewelry.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 550 of 622                 Date: Thu 10/09/1998, 12:46 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Did you get through that lot?

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.  After sitting for a few
minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie."  He looks around but
doesn't see anybody near him and so he forgets about it.

Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt."  This
time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the
chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't
see anyone.

A few minutes later he hears, "nice haircut." He can't stand it any
more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing
this voice but can't figure out who is speaking.

The bartender says, "Oh that...that's the nuts...................."

".....they're complimentary."


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 551 of 622                 Date: Thu 10/09/1998, 12:46 am  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 14 times

     To: All
Subject: Last one

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the
planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
    been deleted. The police are on the way.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 552 of 622                 Date: Thu 17/09/1998,  4:39 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>


A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get
the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
this one either."


-------------------------------------------------------

Bathroom Graffiti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
        Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
        Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting
up with her shit.
        Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
        Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

You're too good for him.
        Sign over mirror in Women's restroom.

No wonder you always go home alone.
        Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills.

Truths About Life Little Children Have learned:
*       No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
*       When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
*       Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
*       You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
*       Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
*       Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
*       Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
*       School lunches stick to the wall.
*       You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 553 of 622                 Date: Thu 17/09/1998,  4:41 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 12 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: And another :>


DEEP THOUGHTS-

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswomen, "where's the self-help
section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

If 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year,
why do the doors have locks?


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 554 of 622                 Date: Thu 17/09/1998,  4:42 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 12 times

     To: ALL
Subject: and another :>


According to the radio this morning, a middle school in Oregon was faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom.  That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving a dozen
of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done,  She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.  To demonstrate how
difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one
of the mirrors.

How could the principal get them to stop doing this?

Think wide - think smart.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
custodian to clean one of the mirrors.  He proceeded to take out a
long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 555 of 622                 Date: Thu 17/09/1998,  4:43 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: And another.  Nice huh?  :>


HERES A BIT OF THERAPY FOR YOU <<Girl Power>>

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------


Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened
upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil
witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can
prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself
and thought "I don't fucking think so."

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 556 of 622                 Date: Wed 23/09/1998,  5:21 pm  [E]
From: LINT                       Read: 12 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Old people

Tow old women were sitting on the porch of their funeral homehaving a cup of
Earl Gray and scones, when one woman queries the other "do you still think
about sex much?". Pausing for a moment the other women replies "A fair bit,
but to get my mind off it I suck on a lifesaver".
Raising her eyebrows the first woman asks "Which beach do you go to?"

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 557 of 622                 Date: Sat 13/06/1998,  1:08 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 21 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :          Gripes and Praises      
Subject: Sparks

Little Sparks is walking in the park with his friend Bloodsword, when
suddenly a big skinhead grabs Bloodsword and tears his head and
feet off, whilst laughing manically at Sparks.

Little Sparks runs home in a state of deep shock, crying to his mum:
"Whhaaahhh, a big skinhead jumped out in the park ... and he pulled my
little friend apart in the park, and he laughed at me and... and..."

Sparks's mother immediately picks up a hefty meat cleaver and makes
her way with her son to the park, fully intent on sorting
the bastard out; the skinhead however manages to wrestle the cleaver
from her, and proceeds to prick out the mother's eyes and cut her
throat, right in front of Sparks.

Deeply shocked, little Sparks runs all the way home again to his dad,
while she hysterically cries "Whhhhaaaahhhhhhh ... skinhead ... in the
park. ...my friend's dead ... mother's eyes have been cut out...
Whhhhaaaahhhhhhh ..murdered... blood all over the place ..." etc. etc.

His dad immediately gets out his twelve-bore and determinedly marches
over to the park to wreak revenge. The skinhead however manages to
grab the gun from dad, sticks the barrel in dad's mouth and blows out
the back of his head, brains and blood splattering all over little
Sparks, who runs away, into the arms of an elderly gent reading his
newspaper on a park bench.

"Whhhhaaaahhhhhhh ... big skinhead ... my poor little friend ... he
murdered my mother ... dad's head's all over the place ...
whhhhaaaahhhhhhh..murdered ... death and destruction...
whhhhaaaahhhhhhh..." etc. etc.

The old man smiles at little Sparks, unzips his trousers and says:
"It's not your day, is it?"

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 558 of 622                 Date: Fri 17/07/1998, 12:28 pm  [E]
From: GURU                       Read: 16 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :          Gripes and Praises      
Subject: The Dread Gazebo

Found this on the varsity BBS. Enjoy    Smile     Stupid bloomin' role-playing
games!



------------

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo
by Richard Aronson (aronson@sierratel.com)

...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one
of the participants was Eric Sorenson.  Eric plays something like a
computer.  When he games he methodically considers each possibility
before choosing his preferred option.  If given time, he will
invariably pick the optimal solution.  It has been known to take weeks.
He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game.  He was on some
lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you
  see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it
  respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to
  destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you
  could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try.
  It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo.
  It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so
  I can avenge my Paladin.

     At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members
restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is.
Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo.  It could have been
worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll.

------------------------

For the uneducated masses who need to resort to dictionarys (myself
included) a gazebo is apparently a tower/balcony structure.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 559 of 622                 Date: Sat 24/10/1998,  5:44 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 8 times

     To: All
Subject: Some humour for ya :>

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of
testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for
the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but
only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
sensitive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances" they explained.  "Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!  I
could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", said the CIA men, "You're definitely
not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your
wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went
in the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her,
I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the
right man for the job."  "No" the CIA men replied, "You don't have what it
takes.  Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same
gun.  "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing - one shot after another for
13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from
her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!
I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Reply
#37
HUMOURMsg # 560 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/10/1998,  8:59 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>

         Some post election material from Pauline Hanson campaign


The Pope was touring Australia and took out a couple of days from his
itinerary to visit the northern tropics and the outback.  Deep into his
visit, his 4WD Popemobile was driving alongside a river when he heard some
splashing up ahead.  As he drew close, the Pope observed in the river, an
Aboriginal man struggling frantically with a crocodile who had grasped the
poor guy in its powerful jaws.

At that moment, from around a bend in the river, a speedboat roared into
view, containing three people - Bruce Buxton, Arthur Tunstall and Pauline
Hanson. As the speedboat neared the struggling figures, Pauline Hanson took
aim and fired a harpoon into the crocodile's hide. Then Buxton and Tunstall
pulled the man from the jaws of the crocodile saving him from certain death
and using long clubs, killed the crocodile. They then bundled the poor
semi-conscious, semi-mutilated man into the speedboat, as well as the dead
croc and approached the river bank.

The Pope was most impressed by what he had just witnessed and went up to
greet them. He said " I give you my blessings for your brave actions. I had
heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide
Australia's community - but now I can see that your society is a truly
enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model for other
nations to follow.

As the Popemobile drove off, Pauline Hanson asked the others. "Who the fuck
was that?" Ruxton answered. "That was the Pope. He is in direct contact
with God and has access to all God's wisdom". Pauline Hanson. " Well, he
knows fuck all about crocodile hunting. What condition is the bait in?".


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 561 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/10/1998,  9:01 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: More Humour :>

                    The cunning Rooster....

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow,
time to retire."

The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what
it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time
for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over
in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up!  I'm taking
over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster,
"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the
farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.  And, if
I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start."

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up in back of the farm house, got a chicken to cluck "Go!" and
the old rooster takes off running.  About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off after him.  They round the front of the farmhouse and the
young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
grabs his shotgun and BOOM!  he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He sadly shakes his head and says "Son of a gun...third gay rooster I
bought this week!"

  ********************************************************

A Kiwi, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub in London having
a pint of beer.  The Kiwi grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into
the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to
the other two, puts  the gun down on the bar and says "In New Zealand we
have so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice."

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun
off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims
"Mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we
never drink out of the same glass twice either".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass
down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the   Kiwi
and says "In London we have so many Kiwi's and Aussies that we never have
to drink with the same one twice."

  *******************************************************



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 562 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/10/1998,  9:06 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: And More :>

                        Ancient telephone systems


German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of
copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they
found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits
35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber optic net.

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found
absolutely nothing. They concluded that 55,000 years ago the ancient Irish
had cellular telephones.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 563 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/10/1998,  9:08 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: And the last :>

TOP TIPS

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D. Duckham, Didford

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham

X-Files fans.  Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka.  You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest
makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at
cocktail parties.
L. Traintu, Clarkesville

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes
with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing
your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester

Pop a few teabags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mr A.Fowler, Cape Town, South Africa

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
B. Batten, Dublin

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P. Witney, London

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn
around the neck.
B. Morgan, Criccieth

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head
stuck in railings you'll be able to grease yourself and slide out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully makes an ideal coat hanger in
an emergency.
Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any
that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker.  This will turn back
the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer, Little Bighorn

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
Sister S., Berwick, Blackrod

Olympic athletes: Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.
B. Johnson, Canada


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 564 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/10/1998,  9:18 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: And another

                          What more can I say...


A bloke walks into a supermarket and buys one tin of beans, one bag of
crisps, one packet of burgers, one tub of ice cream, one cake, one yoghurt
and one pint of milk. He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl
looks at what he has bought and asks him if he is single. The bloke says
sarcastically "Yes, how did you guess?" The girl replies "Cause you're an
ugly bastard!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 565 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/10/1998,  9:20 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 13 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :         Battle: of the sexes!    
Subject: And more ...

A seemingly well trained horse!


A cowboy was captured by a band of Indian warriors.  The cowboy was told he
had 3 days left to live.  He was also told that he would be granted 1 wish
for each of the 3 days he had left.

At sunrise of the first day, the cowboy was asked what he wished for. He
replied, "Bring me my horse."  The horse was brought to him.  He pulled the
horse's head down, whispered in it's ear and smacked it on it's rump as the
horse ran off.  The horse returned several hours later with a rider.... a
sexy brunette from the nearby town.  She dismounted and disappeared into
the cowboy's teepee.  The Indians shook their heads in disbelief and said,
"2 days to live and that's all the white man can think about."

At sunrise of the second day, the scene was repeated.... once again, the
cowboy requested that his horse be brought to him.  Again, he pulled the
horse's head down and whispered in it's ear.  He smacked it on the rump, and
off went the horse.  Same as the previous day, the horse returned several
hours later, only this time with a sexy blond from the nearby town. She
dismounted and disappeared into the cowboy's teepee.  The Indians couldn't
believe their eyes, "1 day left and that's all the white man can think
about."

At dawn of the third day, the cowboy was asked of his last request. "Bring
me my horse," he said.  This time, the cowboy took the horse by both ears
and looked him straight in the eyes.  Speaking softly enough for only the
horse to hear he said, "Look, this is my last chance...  listen carefully
this time. I want you to go into town and bring back the POSSE...
P-O-S-S-E!!!"


-------------------------


BUMPER STICKERS FOR THE TIMID

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch.  Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST!  We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her   ...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!



---------------------------------


All About Viagra


If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving

Viagra coverage, what are they going to use?  A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this
morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

If I give my computer monitor Viagra, will the screen get bigger?

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with
a dead weapon."

Viagra Falls, the new waterfall that flows upward.

Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't
really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?


------------------------------------------


A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances
up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes
that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation
washes over him.

Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.  Anxious to strike up
a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"  She
turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in
Chicago."

Whoa!  He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the
most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's
going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your
role at this convention?"  She flips her long hair back, turns to him,
looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She
explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most
well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely
to possess this trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually
it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly,the woman becomes very
embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry,"she says, "I feel so awkward
discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."  The man extends
his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."


-------------------------------------------


Computer lesson, Abbott/Costello style

Costello:  Hey, Abbott!
Abbott:    Yes, Lou?
Costello:  I just got my first computer.
Abbott:    That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and
           a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott:    That's terrific, Lou.
Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott:    You will in time.
Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott:    Oh?
Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott:    Well, I don't know-
Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott:    Really?
Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott:    O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello:  I have no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be
           very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott:    That's true.
Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it
           off.  What do I do?
Abbott:    Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott:    I know, you press the Start button-
Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start
           it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott:    I did.
Costello:  When?
Abbott:    When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott:    To shut off the computer.
Costello:  I press Start to stop.
Abbott:    Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott:    Start.
Costello:  Start what?
Abbott:    Start button.
Costello:  Start button to do what?
Abbott:    Shut down.
Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
Abbott:    No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello:  Then say what you mean.
Abbott:    To shut down the computer, press-
Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott:    Then what do you want me to say?
Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing
           to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and
           Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start
           to Stop.
Abbott:    But that's what you do.
Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott:    Don't be ridiculous.
Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started
           this conversation.
Abbott:    What are you talking about?
Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.


----------------------------------------

  WANTS AND NEEDS

Female: the delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological
        longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male:   food, sex and beer.

  THINGY
Female: any part under a car's hood.
Male:   the strap fastener on a woman's bra.

  FLATULENCE
F: an embarrassing by-product of digestion.
M: an endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

  GLASS CEILING
F: the invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels
   in business.
M: would be really great at work since that hot babe took over the office
   upstairs.

  VULNERABLE
F: fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
M: playing cricket without a groin protector.

  COMMUNICATION
F: the open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
M: scribbling a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

  BUTT
F: the body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
M: the organ for mooning and farting.

  COMMITMENT
F: a desire to get married and raise a family.
M: not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

  MAKING LOVE
F: the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
M: what men have to call bonking to get women to bonk.

  TASTE
F: something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking to make sure it's
   good.
M: something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to
   tossing it out.

-----------------------------------------


 Dear Wife (that's what he called her)

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

 Dear Husband  (that's what she called him)

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.  You being an
accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more
times than 54 goes into 18!!!!


--------------------------------------


Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the
ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to
look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm
afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy
as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father
replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will
be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift
Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.  However, two days
later when her father came home  from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and
said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and
shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy
lying on the floor with her legs in the  air and she was shouting, "Oh
Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman
holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".


----------------------------------------

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client
places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave
the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in
garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."


------------------------------------------


THE MOON! LMAO

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where
Smile means a smile and Sad is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-)
and :-( respectively.  Well, how about some "asscons"?

     Here goes:

              (_!_)  a regular ass

              (__!__)  a fat ass

              (!)  a tight ass

              (_._)  a flat ass

              (_^_)  a bubble ass

              (_*_)  a sore ass

              (_!__)  a lop-sided ass

              {_!_}  a swishy ass

              (_o_)  an ass that's been around

              (_O_)  an ass that's been around even more

              (_x_)  kiss my ass

              (_X_)  leave my ass alone

              (_zzz_)  a tired ass

              (_o^o_)  a wise ass

              (_13_)  an unlucky ass

              (_$_)  Money coming out of his ass

              (_?_)  Dumb ass

            ..oooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo...
           . oo*"            "*o.oo*"            "*o.
          .o"                    'o"                        "o
          o                       o                            *o
        .o                        o                             'o
        o                         o                               o.

       o                          o                                o.

      o                           o                                o
      o                           \o/                              o
      o                         --O--                             o
      o.                          /o\                              o
       o                           o                               o
       o                          o                                o=
       o'''                        o                               oo
       oo                         o                               oo
        oo.                       oo                             oo
        'ooo.                   .oo.                          ooo
        "o ""oo,,          ,,oO-'Oo,           ,,,,,,..oo"o
         o.         """""        oo          """""          .o
         'o                        oo                         o'
         *o                       oo                          o
          'o                        o                         o
           o                        o                         o
           o                        o                         o
            o                       o                        o
            o                       o                        o
            o                       o                        o
            o                       o                        o

You have been e-mooned!

*Laughs* you forgot one Grace!
Shake your ass!    {{{ (_!_) }}}    *Sings*"Shake yer groove thang....shake
yer groove thang... yeah yeah!"

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 566 of 622                 Date: Tue  3/11/1998,  6:37 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: Quotable Quotes

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

Last week I bought a new phone.  I took it out of the box, hooked it up to
the wall...  Pressed redial.  The phone had a nervous breakdown.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.  I was
an only child...  Eventually.

"Software suppliers are trying their level best, to make their software
 packages more 'user-friendly'... Their best approach, so far, has been to
 take all the old brochures and stamp the words 'user-friendly' on  the
 cover." BILL GATES, Pres., Microsoft,Inc.

"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the
 country, it would probably fly around in circles"

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?

AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across
the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.

Hang Gliding,
Blast Baseball,
and Sod Cycling.

Easter is cancelled this year.  They've found the body.
 Graffiti

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I'll waste no time in
reading it.

For fractures:
To see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
 Science exam paper

For dog bite:
Put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it.
 Science exam paper

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
 Science exam paper

For snakebites:
Bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
 Science exam paper

For asphyiation:
Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
 Science exam paper

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
 Science exam paper

For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whisky.

Hollywood: A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.

Its going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth
after they inherit it.

Terrible Tragedy in South Seas.  Three million people trapped alive!
 Tom Scott

Recipe (in its entirety) for boiled owl:
Take feathers off.
Clean owl, and put in cooking pot with lots of water.
Add salt to taste.
 The Eskimo Cookbook (1952)

Are you going to come quietly, or am I going to have to wear earplugs.

A collision happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.

"Rail travel at high speeds above 20 miles per hour is not possible,
 because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia".
 Dr. Dionysys Lardner (1793 - 1859).

"The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor thing.
 Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these
 atoms is talking moonshine".
 Ernest Rutherford.

Education can cause a woman's uterus to shrivel.
 Dr E Clarke, 1873.

I must apologise to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
 Angela Rippon

The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dartboard.

Second-hand tombstone for sale.  Extraordinary bargain for family named
Schwarzendorfer.
 Sign near a cemetery in San Jose, California

Wanted, capable man to handle dynamite.  Must able to travel long
distances.
 Sign at a demolition site in Detroit

A driver is safer when the road is dry;
The road is safer when the driver is dry.
 In a garage forecourt in Kent

IBM Manual:          The following is a hertofore undocumented feature.
English Translation: It's a bug, it's our fault, and there isn't a damn
                     thing you can do about it.

Lisp:  To call a spade a thpade.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.

Stay away from flying saucers today.

Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
        When told this was so,
        He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into
        that last line that I can."

43rd Law of Computing:
        Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped

FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....

In the wilds:  It's so quiet up here you can hear a mouse get a hard-on.
 John Belushi, Continental Divide, 1981

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he
sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might
burn up.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 567 of 622                 Date: Tue  3/11/1998,  7:44 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: And more jokes.. Dirty ones this time...

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is
narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the
final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now
don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.  He's never lost
a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let
him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The  wrestler
nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several
times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his
face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised
his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's
back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of
him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone,
he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in  that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose,
so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when
you bite your own balls!"

----------------------------------------------

Windows 95: n.   32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch
to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

-----------------------------------------------

PRACTICING FOR THEIR HONEYMOON

When a minister tells you a story, you ought to believe it, right? M.H. for
Fort Wayne, Ind., has her doubts. She finds it hard to believe this racy
story, even though it was told as truth by a local minister.

A young couple, engaged to be married, had scheduled a premarital
counselling session with a minister. But they failed to show up, so the
next morning the minister called the bride-to-be's home.

"She's in the hospital," the young woman's mother told the minister.
"She probably wants to tell you herself why she didn't show, though."

So the minister went to the hospital, and there he found the young woman in
traction with a broken leg and collarbone. But the accident had left her
feeling more embarrassed than pained.

She said her parents were going out of town for the weekend, and asked her
to house sit. She and her fiance decided that this would be a perfect
chance to "practice for their honeymoon." So as soon as her parents left,
they set about "practicing" in her parents bedroom.

Not long afterward the phone rang. It was her mother, in a panic. She had
left the iron on in the basement. Would they please turn it off?

The fiance playfully picked her up and carried her to the top of the
basement stairs. Both of them were still naked. When she switched on the
lights, shouts of "Surprise! Surprise!" came from the basement. Her parents
were standing at the bottom of the stairs, along with relatives, in-laws
and friends. It was a surprise wedding shower!

The shock was too great for the fiance. He dropped her and fled. She rolled
down the stairs and lay there naked, while her family gaped. Her
grandmother reached for her heart medicine. Everyone was too shocked to
cover her.  So, the minister concluded, the couple was never legally
joined. "The girl went crazy," he said, "and the guy left town."

===============================================================

DEAR TIDE,

I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom
says it was the best.  Anyhow, one weekend about a month ago, I was at my
girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt.  Much to my chagrin, I
spilled some red wine on my white shirt.  She made a comment about my
drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all
over my not-so-nice white shirt.  I tried washing it with her detergent,
and it just didn't do the trick.  So, on my way home, I stopped at the
store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide.  It washed the stain so well
that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive!

I can't praise your product enough.  Thank you for saving my life!  I must
go now... I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage
bags...

Thanks again!

John Smith

===============================================================

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his
homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell
his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where
his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather
nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"

"Well...yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:

"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

===================================================================

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor
malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both
staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every
order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a
private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the
light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities
interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature,
General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to
accept the thermometer.  "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent
that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to
proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and
don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his
bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general
barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

=================================================================

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man
replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh
okay, just say three Hail Mary's and try to watch your language. The man
replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The
priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father I played golf on
Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. " The priest says, "And
you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I
swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little
testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I
walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a
clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel
ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is
that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle
then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man
replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel
let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole The priest
screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old age of 87". "That's
nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he
was 95 when he died". Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a
fella that got to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?", asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."


______________________________________________________________________
The owner of a well-established firm of wholesalers was interviewing people
for a position in sales. One candidate offered excellent references and
experience and was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a
disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the sales manager decided to be frank, "You've got all the
qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I'm afraid
that facial tic of yours might put customers off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the sales candidate, "because all
I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for
yourself, I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the
desk.

The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms
piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety
imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two
aspirin, swallowed them , and sure enough, the tic went away in less than a
minute.

"So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly, gesturing at the
mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my
company to be represented by some wild womanizer, after all."

"No fear. I'm a happily married man."

"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"

"It's simple, sir.  Did you ever go into a drug store, winking like crazy,
and ask for a packet of aspirins?
Reply
#38
HUMOURMsg # 568 of 622                 Date: Tue  3/11/1998,  7:46 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: More of 'em

UNDERSTANDING TECHNICIANS
=========================

Technical talk is often difficult to understand by people not initiated in
the technical arts. Listed below are some terms that are used commonly by
technicians, and a lay persons explanation of what they actually mean.

     STUFFED. ..
     A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work
     quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to
     change in the near future.

     FUCKED. ..
     Terminally stuffed.

     FUCK ME DEAD. ..
     A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an
     assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to
     discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part
     under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas)
     realignment.

     FUCK IT ALL. ..
     An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or
     circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room.
     Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to,
     and have no idea what it looks like.

     FUCKING BLOODY FUCK. ..
     An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical
     aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting
     under the workshop bench.

     SHIT, FUCK, SHIT. ..
     The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing
     you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only
     critically important to the machines operation, but is completely
     beyond retrieval.

     SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. ..
     Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

     SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. ..
     Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.

     HOW THE FUCK?. ..
     Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the
     machine might have done something a bit differently.

     BLOODY FUCK. ..
     Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

     BUGGER BLOODY FUCK. ..
     You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate
     understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close
     it.

     NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression,
     it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.

     FUCKING DAMN SHIT. ..
     I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

     HOLY BLOODY FUCK. ..
     My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor
     and I can't reach the power switch.


-----------------------------------------------------

This is an actual job application submitted for a fast-food
establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME:  ........................................

DESIRED POSITION:  Doggie.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the
first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a huge
severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be
a winner of the Readers Digest Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Florida with a
fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.


---------------------------------------------------------

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.  He looks
around and finally  stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.  The
fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a
couple of hours.  The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
priest says no.  He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot
father".  After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to
get it in the boat.  The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest:  "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish
is called  - a sonofabitch!"
P:  "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the
fish to the church and spots the bishop.

P:  "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop:  "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
P:  "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I
caught it.  I caught this sonofabitch!"
B:  "Hmmm.  You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it
for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head
mother.
B:  "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother:  "My lord, what language!"
B:  "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
HM:  "Hmmm.  Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all
think the fish is great.
He asks where they got it.

P:  "I caught the sonofabitch!"
B:  "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
HM: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off
his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers
are alright."

---------------------------------------------

       >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<
                          The Promiscuous Eagle

A eagle was soaring overhead when he spied a dove. He swooped down and
grabbed the dove, dragged it into the bushes and had his way with it. A
short time later, the eagle emerged and soared into the sky. The dove
staggered out of the bushes saying "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, and I think I'm
in love."

The next day, the eagle spotted a goose. Once again he swooped down,
grabbed the goose and took it into the bushes where he had his way with it.
The eagle emerged, took off, and soared into the sky. The goose staggered
out of the brush saying "I'm a goose, I'm a goose, and I think I've been
seduced."

The very next day, the eagle was flying when he spotted a duck. He swooped
down and grabbed the duck and dragged it into the brush where he had his
way with it. A short time later, the eagle emerged, took off, and soared
into the sky. The little duck waddled out of the bush saying "I'm a drake,
I'm a drake, and I think there's been a mistake!"

           >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<

------------------------------------------------

                           Incurable Ailments

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend
in the middle.

So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office
to report the results.

"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid
of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country.
It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?" "Well, sort of.
You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an
operation."

"An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature
as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story,
diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.

He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend
another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since
this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian
doctors might know more about it.

Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he
received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent
physician.

After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the
examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.

"Yes."

"And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an
operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"

At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.

"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"

As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh,
those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can
think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by
itself!"

-------------------------------------

       >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<
                             Made In America
                            (Perhaps Texas?)

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My
people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris,
the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to
help you,"replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly!  I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in
diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and
called the President of Trojan.  "I need a favor, you've got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each
one."

-------------------------------------------------------------

      >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<         >^^,,^^<
                                OUCH!!!!

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he ask's the bartender where's the
bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and
wonders what is going on in the bathroom.  A few minutes go by again and
everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the
bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the
drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's
all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."  With that, the
bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you
asshole!!!

---------------------------------------------------

One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the
middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the
appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the
wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a
tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely
beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart
stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the
lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his
seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate", "but......"
stammers the driver, "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer".

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to
masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!" "but....." says the driver.
"Now...."

So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it again" demands the
highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing
(as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has
collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to
Inverness".

-------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.  The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed.   So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his
face.   He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe
that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.  So he crawls home
and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.  He crawls through
the door and up the stairs.  When he reaches his bed he tries one more time
to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So,  you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?"  he asks.
"The pub called,  you left your wheelchair there again."

=========================

An englishman, an irishman, and a maori man are each convicted of taking
part in a particulary gruesome murder.  The judge decides to let then do a
little hard time. They are sentenced to life in prison, no parole, with the
first ten years in solitary with no human contact. However, the
greenie-fairy-leftie-doo-gooders hear of this and complain.
 So to pacify them, the judge decides that he will allow the criminals to
take as much of one luxury item as they like into the cells for their ten
years.

The englishman decides to take whiskey, so they line the walls of the cell
with whiskey, Jim Beam, JD's, the works.  Then they lock him in, hang up
the key, and leave him there for his ten years. The irishman decides on
beer, so they truck in half a cell's worth of kegs of red, steinlager,
export, speights. You name it, he's got a keg of it.  Then they lock him
in, hang up the key, and leave him there for his ten years. The maori
decides on dope, so they truck in some dak from the coromandel, doobies,
joints, dry leaves, you name it, he's got it. Then they lock him in, hang
up the key, and leave him there for his ten years.

Well, the ten years goes by and it's time to let the criminals out of
solitary. The guards open up the englishman's cell.  He's long dead,
cirrhosis of the liver has claimed him with a vengeance. The irishman's
cell is open. Again, he's dead, bloated to a mammoth size from years of
guzzling beer from the tap. Then its the maori's turn.  They open up his
cell...  he turns to them and says

'Anybody got a light..????'.






--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 569 of 622                 Date: Wed 18/11/1998,  3:31 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: Something from the mags :>

True Story:  In Shot pursuit:


A fashion shoot in central London called for the model to be snapped driving
down fashionable Park Lane.  The photographer decided that riding pillion
beside her on a motorbike would be the best way to take pictures.

But on seeing the photographer in hot pursuit of a Bentley, a brace of Mercs
appeared from nowhere, forcing the photographer off the road with cries of
'paparazzi, paparazzi'.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 570 of 622                 Date: Tue  5/01/1999,  2:40 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 13 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour for ya :>

The two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to
sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told
her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "so have Tom and I."
"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that!  We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary.
"But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.
"So how  did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" Mary asked.
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed.  "We began with a physical
exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.  He
told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of
grapes and a dozen donuts.  He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss
the grapes and donuts at each other.  Every grape that went into my vagina,
John had to get it out with his tongue. Every doughnut that I ringed his
penis with, I had to eat.  Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better
than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the
same sex therapist.  After the physical exams were completed the doctor
called Mary and Tom into his office.  "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do
for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John,
surely you must have a suggestion for us!  Please, please, can't you give us
some help?  Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered.  "On your way home, I want you to stop at
the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------


On a hot, dusty day, a cowboy rode into a small frontier town.  After
dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it
where the sun don't shine.  An old man rocking by the general store
witnessed the whole thing. "Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The STAFF noticed that every day, the boss left work early.  One day, the
girls decided that when the boss left, they'd be right behind her. After
all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.  She did a little gardening and
went to bed early.  The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.  The blonde was happy happy
happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise
from inside.  Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified
to see her husband in bed making wild, passionate love with HER BOSS!!!
Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving
early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.  "NO WAY," she
exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

-----------------------------------------------------


              ^^^   WHAT A MAN " NEEDS "...^^^


A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.  Realizing he needed
a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk
and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,
inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the
machine started to buzz and whirl.  Fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the
best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25
cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman.  He paid the money, inserted his hands into
the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men
Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was
embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty
cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening -
with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen
seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able
to withdraw his thingy"... Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

-----------------------------------------------------


A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He
notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to
him,  "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask
how you got yours?"

Other guy:  "Well, it just happened.  It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest
breasts in the world was there.  So, instead of saying  I'd like a ticket to
Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh.  She socked me one".

First guy: "Mine was a tongue twister too.  I was at the breakfast table
and I wanted to say to my wife:   Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I
accidentally said: " YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING BITCH!"

------------------------------------------------------------


Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new
panties.  The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red
crotchless panties.  Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come
home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and
pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. She said, "Come on
grandpa, you want some of this?" Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole
in your panties..."

-------------------------------------------------------

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know
how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid
we're broke."
The wife says, "No, we're not.  Let's go for a drive into town."
Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a
drive? Oh well,  whatever.  I guess you're crazier than me."  So off they
go into town.
When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building?
We own that."
Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and
drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest
part of town.
Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses?  We own those." Husband
is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think
we own all this property?" Wife replies, "Remember when we first got
married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex?
Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has
become of it all.  Not bad, eh?"
Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd
have given you ALL my business."

---------------------------------------------------------


A doctor was examining his friend of many years, and found that he had the
sad duty to tell his friend Joe that he was suffering from terminal cancer,
and had in fact only about six months to live. Joe took it pretty well, and
went out to the country club to lose himself in a game of golf. It turns
out that his doctor was also a member of the same country club. When the
doctor got to the club, some of his other friends came over and said, "Hey,
did you hear about Joe?" The doctor frowned and said, "No, what about Joe?"
"He's dying of AIDS," they said. So the doctor went in search of his friend
Joe, to find out what was going on. When he found Joe, he asked him, "Hey,
Joe, didn't you understand what I told you today?"    And Joe says, "Sure,
you said I was dying of cancer and had about six months to live." The
doctor then wants to know why Joe is telling folks he's dying of AIDS. "Oh,"
says Joe, "I just don't want anyone messing with my wife after I'm gone."



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 571 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/01/1999,  2:26 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 12 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes for ya :>

In a survey carried out to see what men liked about women's legs,
27% said they preferred women with fat legs and 15% said they preferred
women with thin legs.  The remaining 58% said they liked something
in-between.
 Graffiti

He floats like an anchor and stings like a moth.
 Ray Gandalf

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss or Mr and Mrs Daneeka,
    Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your
husband,son, father or brother was killed, wounded or reported missed in
action.
 Joseph Heller

LADY:     If I were your wife then I'd put poison in your coffee.
WINSTON:  If I were your husband, I'd drink it.
 WINSTON CHURCHILL

Never wear anything that panics the cat.
 P.J.O'Rourke (on Womens clothes)

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. and suppose you were a member of
congress. But I repeat myself.
 Mark Twain

My wife does wonderful things with leftovers - she throws them out.
 Herb Shriner

She was a lovely girl.  Our courtship was fast and furious - I was fast
and she was furious.
 Max Kauffmann

------------------------------------------------------------------

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
 Science exam paper

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
 Science exam paper

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put
the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
 Science exam paper

The process of converting steam back to water is called conversation.
 Science exam paper

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
 Science exam paper

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
 Science exam paper

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
 Science exam paper

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
 Science exam paper

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
 Science exam paper

If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
 Science exam paper

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
 Science exam paper

For fractures:
To see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
 Science exam paper

For dog bite:
Put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it.
 Science exam paper

For drowning:
Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
perspiration.
 Science exam paper

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
 Science exam paper

For head colds:
Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops your throat.
 Science exam paper

For asphyiation:
Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
 Science exam paper

When water freezes you can walk on it.  That is what Christ did long ago
in wintertime.
 Science exam paper

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
 Science exam paper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Met a guy this morning with a glass eye.  He didn't tell me - it just came
out in the conversation.
 Jerry Dennis

For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whisky.
 Eddie Condon

It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
 Ladie's Home Journal

Engineering students are often puzzled by the fact that the most
streamlined girls offer the most resistance.
 Anon

Last night I had a dream,
a dream that made me laugh,
I dreamt I was a bar of soap,
and you were in the bath!!
 Anon

A committee is a group which keeps minutes, and wastes hours.
 Anon

Never underestimate a woman, unless you are discussing her age or weight.
 Anon

I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.
 Francois Sagan

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers, and they are going
to make a game out of it.
 Woody Allen

I married beneath me.  All women do.
 Nancy, Lady Astor

When the wife is away, the only time I know my dinner is ready,
is when it sets off the smoke alarm!!
 Anon

Behind every successful man stands a very surprised Mother-In-Law.
 Anon

An optimist is a man who marries his secretary, with the idea that he'll
be able to carry on dictating to her!
 Anon

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man,
is when he's a baby.
 Anon

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing,
and then they marry him.
 Anon

Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll
ever regret.
 Anon

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
 Last Words Of General John Sedgwick.

"You will never amount to very much".
 Albert Einstein's Schoolmaster.

"The very last man on Earth sat alone.  There was a knock at the door..."
 Anon

A collision happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
 Anon

"The Beatles - We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the
 way out."
 Decca Record Company / EMI / HMV etc...etc.

"Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant,
 if not utterly impossible".
 Simon Newcomb.

"Rail travel at high speeds above 20 miles per hour is not possible,
 because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia".
 Dr. Dionysys Lardner (1793 - 1859).

"The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor thing.
 Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these
 atoms is talking moonshine".
 Ernest Rutherford.

Education can cause a woman's uterus to shrivel.
 Dr E Clarke, 1873.

Thinking is done by tiny creatures in the brains called menorgs
and disorgs.
 Alfred Lawson, early 20th century.

The deceased should be preserved by electroplating them.
 Dr Varlot, 1891.

The earth is a hollow shell and we live on the inside.
 Cyrus Reed Teed, 1870.

Men and women are two different species, descended from different animals.
 William Smyth, 1927.

Women who want to give birth to girls should eat a high protein diet, and
avoid eggs, fish, meat and cheese if they want boys.
 Dr Israel Bram, 1914.

Wheat was given to us by extraterrestrials called the Manu.
 W Scott-Elliot, 1896.

The weight of moonlight on the oceans causes the water to spread out to
the edges of the land.
 G E Last, 19th century.

...and the crowd are absolutely standing up.
 Alan Weeks

And the crowd go wild as they see the shaven head of Hagler enter the
auditorium.  And there he is, hooded...
 Reg Gutteridge

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he
sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might
burn up.

Boy who fool around with girl in wrong period get caught red
handed.

From the Upper Hutt soccer club - We found he was useless in
any position, hope you have more luck.

I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed reading
accident.  I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got
a full house and four people died.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
laugh at that man

When those stalls open, the horses are literally going to explode.
 Brough Scott, Channel 4

The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results.
 Anon

Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER
COME HOME AT ONCE."
 Anon


In case of fire,
   yell "FIRE!"
 Anon

Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
 Anon

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
 Anon

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
 Anon

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
        When told this was so,
        He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into
        that last line that I can."
 Anon


Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
        The strip revolved,
        The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
 Anon


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 572 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/01/1999,  2:46 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: Part 2 of the quotes :>

I must apologise to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
 Angela Rippon

The robbery was committed by a pair of identical twins.  Both are said to be
aged about 20.
 Paul Hollingsworth

Griffiths is snookered behind the brown, which, for those of you watching
in black and white, is the ball directly behind the pink.
 Ted Lowe

The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dartboard.
 Sid Waddell

This boxer doing what's expected of him - bleeding from the nose.
 Harry Carpenter

Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
 In a slimming clinic in Kensington

Second-hand tombstone for sale.  Extraordinary bargain for family named
Schwarzendorfer.
 Sign near a cemetery in San Jose, California

Gone With The Wind.
 Notice outside a demolished cinema in Liverpool.

Closed for two weeks.  We Knead the break.
 In a bakery window in Vancouver

We Skid You Not.
 In a tyre depot in Glasgow

Wanted, capable man to handle dynamite.  Must able to travel long
distances.
 Sign at a demolition site in Detroit

A driver is safer when the road is dry;
The road is safer when the driver is dry.
 In a garage forecourt in Kent

"The End of the World."  Lunch afterwards.
 On a university notice-board

You've seen the show...now read the book.
 Billboard outside a Manchester theatre after 'jesus christ™ Superstar'

Love is going home and putting your feet up in front of a roaring wife.
 In a marriage-guidance office in Piccadilly London

Dont get overcharged in other shops - come in here.
 In the window of a store in Auckland, New Zealand.

Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
 In window of a restaurant in Blackpool

Eat here - Allah carte
 Notice in a Pakistani Restaurant

When two trains are approaching each other at a crossing, they shall both
come to a full stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
 Notice in a railroad engineer's office in Kansas

Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
 Sign outside a nudist colony

For Sale, Smoker's chair.  Solid Ash.
 In a second-hand furniture shop in carlisle

For sale - handsome Basset Hound.  Can be seen at above address in the
evening or heard within a two mile radius at dawn.
 Card in a shop window in Cardiff

Our home-made claret competition was a big success.
Winners : Mrs Arnold (fruity, well rounded),
          Mrs Stephens (fine colour and full-bodied),
          and Miss Smith (slightly acid).
 On a church notice-board in Leeds

Lecture on Clairvoyance cancelled - owing to unforeseen circumstances
 Notice on door of a public hall in Manchester

Will the man who picked up mink coat at the Dunes Hotel Sunday night please
return the smart blonde who was in it.  No quoestions asked.
- Lonely Husband.
 Advert in a Las Vegas newspaper

Everything for your pets.  Send s.a.e. for free ill. cat.
 From an advertisement in a Shropshire newspaper

He seems to have found a chink in Chang's armour.
 David Mercer
Reply
#39
HUMOURMsg # 573 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/01/1999,  4:13 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: And the last :>

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
 Anon

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
   San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
 Anon

43rd Law of Computing:
        Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped


FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
 Anon

Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss.
 Anon

Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
 George Saunders' dying words

When a young man said he was six feet seven inches:
Never mind the six feet.  Let's talk about the seven inches.
 Mae West

In the wilds:  It's so quiet up here you can hear a mouse get a hard-on.
 John Belushi, Continental Divide, 1981

Oral sex is a matter of taste.
 Graffiti

I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days
to put it out.
 Dolly Parton

Young farmer with 100 acres would be pleased to hear from young lady with
tractor.  Please send photograph of tractor.
 Advertisement in Evesham Admag, 1977

Adultery in your heart is committed not only when you look with excessive
sexual desire at a woman who is not your wife, but also if you look in
the same manner at your wife.
 Pope John Paul II, 1980

When asked if she had really posed for a calendar with nothing on:
Oh, no, I had the radio on.
 Marilyn Monroe

Come to Ch**ch.  What is missing?
 On a church poster

Q:  How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw
    in a light bulb?
A:  Five.  While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I
    use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove
    his body.  Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator
    long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down
    into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with
    a new super-high-wattage model of his own design.  Meanwhile, Willie has
    driven up to the door in a laundry truck.  Just before Rollin's real
    identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the
    airfield, and return to the United States.
 Lightbulb Joke

Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
    the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.  They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
 Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
 Lightbulb Joke

I worship the ground that awaits you.
 Anon

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
 Anon

This picture is going to be one of the biggest white elephants of all time.
 Victor Fleming, director of Gone With the Wind, 1939


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 574 of 622                 Date: Fri 14/08/1998,  5:43 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 22 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :       For Books, Films, etc      
Subject: Celeb Lies :>

Christopher Skase
=================

Fugitive Aussie business-fiend Christopher Skase failed to appear at
scheduled hearings about his financial misdemeanours due to his 'life
threatening' emphysema and reliance on dramatic oxygen mask and wheelchair.

More recently, he was spotted keeping up with the best of them as a
spectator at a golf tournament.  Maybe one of the players was toting
Christopher's oxygen cylinder around in their golf bag.


Sharon Stone
============

In an attempt to dodge the dumb blonde label, Sharon Stone boasted to the
press she was a member of the elite IQ club MENSA.

Unfortunately for Shaz, the club spokesperson revealed that the star had
never been asked to join, nor had they any record of her taking an IQ test.

To add fuel to the fire, transcripts emerged showing the Oscar nominee had
received a big, fat F for drama at uni.  When questioned about the grade,
Sharon pulled an Alan Bond and had no recollection of it.



Confessions we'd like to hear:

OJ Simpson
"Ok.. I did it."

Jodie Foster
"Michael Jackson's the father of my baby."

Pamela Anderson
"I knew the cameras were on and I was faking it.  Oh, and Tommy's had a
penis implant."

Bill Clinton
"I did inhale... and I think I may have been a little unfaithful to Hillary
on a few occasions."

Tori Spelling
"My boob job sucks, and Daddy put me on 90210."

Michael Jackson
"A dingo fathered my baby" and "I'm black and I'm proud of it" and "My wife
and I are in love and our children were conceived naturally during two of
our many nights of passion".


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 575 of 622                 Date: Thu  3/09/1992,  1:05 pm  [E]
From: TEEJAY                     Read: 70 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :         Serious be Buggered!!    
Subject: Elephant Hunting

I found this on the best of Usenet newsgroup, and felt that I *had* to share
it with y'all. 8-)

X-NEWS: kosmos.wcc.govt.nz alt.best.of.internet: 206
Xref: newshost.wcc.govt.nz alt.best.of.internet:206 misc.misc:3223
Path: newshost.wcc.govt.nz!comp.vuw.ac.nz!waikato.ac.nz!wupost!usc!rpi!batco
mputer!cornell!newsstand.cit.cornell.edu!pelican.cit.cornell.edu!rdc
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet,cornell.general,misc.misc
Subject: Chaos Corner V02 N08
Message-ID: <1992Aug17.051720.30003@pelican.cit.cornell.edu>
From: rdc@pelican.cit.cornell.edu (Bob Cowles)
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1992 05:17:20 GMT
Organization: Cornell Info. Tech.
Keywords: weather, elephants, time, macs, pc unix
Summary: Various random and interesting things found
Lines: 329


Chaos Corner V02 N08  17Aug92

--------------------------------------------------------
A BOLD NEW PROPOSAL FOR MATCHING HIGH-TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE AND PROFESSIONS

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right
job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of
dollars of funding.  This is particularly true for high-technology
organizations where talent is scarce and expensive.  Recently, however,
years of detailed study of the finest minds in the field of
psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the
development of a simple foolproof test to determine the best match
between personality and profession.  Now, at last, people can be
infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate
exercise.  Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an
actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
     1.  Go to Africa.
     2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
     3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
         east and west.
     4.  During each traverse pass,
        (a) Catch each animal seen,
        (b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant,
        © Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their
hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within + or - 15% of
any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies,
if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research and development try hard to
hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.  When the
VP does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely prehunted before the VP sees them.  If
the VP does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment
the VP's keen eyesight, and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any
recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.

Ann Halpin (halpinae@dayton.bitnet) contributed the preceding,
originally from Peter Theobald, National Center for Software Technology,
Bombay, India.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 576 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/02/1999,  2:01 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 10 times

     To: All
Subject: Some jokes for ya :>

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1       Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he
        doesn't know about it until the next morning?
2       The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
3       Were you present when your picture was taken?
4       Were you alone or by yourself?
5       Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
6       Did he kill you?
7       How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
8       You were there until the time you left, is that true?
9       How many times have you committed suicide?
10      Q; So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
        A: Yes
        Q: And what were you doing at that time?
11      Q: She has three children, right?
        A: Yes
        Q: how many were boys?
        A: None
        Q: Were there any girls?
12      Q: you say the stairs went down to the basement?
        A: Yes
        Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
13      Q: Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
        A: I went to Europe, sir
        Q: And you took your new wife?
14      Q: how was your first marriage terminated?
        A: By death
        Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
15      Q: Can you describe the individual?
        A: He was about medium height and had a beard
        Q: Was this a male, or a female?
16      Q: Is you appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
        notice which I sent to your attorney?
        A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
17      Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
        A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people
18      Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
        A: Oral
19      Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
        Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
        A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
        autopsy
20      Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
        A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
21      Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
        A: I have been since my early childhood
22      Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
        pulse?
        A: No
        Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
        A: No
        Q: Did you check for breathing?
        A: No
        Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
        began the autopsy?
        A: No
        Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
        A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 577 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/02/1999,  2:07 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 8 times

     To: All
Subject: And more :>

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, the usual traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people
questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant,
but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a
speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.  This
time he finally responded.  Mr. Gorsky had finally died, so Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit a fly ball that landed in front of his neighbor's bedroom
windows.  His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick
up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting, "Oral sex!  You
want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"


True story.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 578 of 622                 Date: Wed  3/02/1999, 11:16 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 8 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he
could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some
vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was
able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the
rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,

   1.Next time sip rather than gulp.
   2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
   3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
   4.We do not refer to the Cross as the ``Big T''.
   5.The recommended grace before meals is not ``Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks
     for the grub. Yeah God!''
   6.We do not refer our Savior, jesus christ™ and his Apostles as
     ``J.C. and the Boys''.
   7.David slew Goliath, he did not ``Kick the shit out of him''.
   8.Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
   9.We don't refer to Judas as ``El Finko''.
  10.The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him
     as ``The Godfather''.
  11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, ``Take
     this and eat it, for it is my body,'' he did not say,
     ``Eat me.''
  12.David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't
     ``stoned off his ass''.
  13.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as
     ``Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.''
  14.It is always the Virgin Mary, never ``Mary with the Cherry''.
  15.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling
     contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest
     at St. Taffy's.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 579 of 622                 Date: Wed  3/02/1999, 11:17 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 8 times

     To: All
Subject: And another one :>

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask
them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the
same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday
to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter:     Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian:         Yeah, sure.

Presenter:     O.K.,  Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian:         Ohhh, maaaate.  Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this
morning.

Presenter:     And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian:         Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter:     10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?
Brian:         Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter:     There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian:         O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter:     (and others in the room - much laughter).Good one Brian,
               now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian:         Yeah, alright.

Presenter:     Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle:      Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter:     (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other
               line, say hello.
Sharelle:      Hi Brian.
Brian:         Hi Sharelle.

Presenter:     Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three
               questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers,
               you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian:         Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle:      O.K.

Presenter:     Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle:      Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian:         Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle:      O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter:     Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for
               Sharelle ?
Sharelle:      (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter:  That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter:     O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle:      Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.

Presenter:     There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian:         Sharelle, I've already told them so it  doesn't matter
               anyway .. just tell em.
Sharelle:      Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter:     Sorry if anyone was offended before we're going live here,
               and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and
               Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 580 of 622                 Date: Sat  6/02/1999, 12:21 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 8 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour for ya again :>

A student desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The
Personnel Manager goes over his resume and explains to him that he regrets
he has nothing for him.  The boy answers that he really needs work and will
take almost anything. The manager hums and haws and finally says he does
have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The guy
happily excepts.  He takes the guy down to the line and explains his duties
and that he should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45
there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line
manager comes in and starts ranting about the man just hired.  After
screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the
Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head
down to the line and sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom
come.  Right at the end of the line is the frantically busy guy just hired;
he has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big
bag of marbles.  They both watch as he cuts a little piece of fabric and
takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The Personnel
Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of
rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee
and says, "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.  What I wanted
you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 581 of 622                 Date: Sat  6/02/1999, 12:22 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 8 times

     To: All
Subject: And another :>

The British Government's policy of socialised medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".  Under the government
plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first
five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father-- a
government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by
impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
arrive at any time.  Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off.  The
government man should be here soon."

Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the doorbell...

Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

Salesman: "Really?  Well, good.  I've made a specialty of babies, especially
twins."

Mrs. Smith:  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and
have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting)  "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Mrs. Smith:  "Please don't concern yourself.  My husband and I both agree
this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room floor
allows the subject to really spread out."

Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it hasn't worked for
Harry and I."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but
if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.  In fact, my business card says, 'I aim
to please.'"

Mrs. Smith:  "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman:  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his
time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
with that."

Mrs. Smith:  "Don't I know it!  Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures)  "Just look at
this picture.  Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown
London."

Mrs. Smith:  "Oh, my!!"

Salesman:  "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They
turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was so
difficult to work with."

Mrs. Smith:  "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park
to get the job done right.  I've never worked under such impossible
conditions.  People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."

Mrs. Smith:  "Four and five deep?"

Salesman:  "Yes and for more than three hours, too.  The mother got so
excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I
couldn't concentrate.  I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain
her. By that time, darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots.
When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman:  "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a
pleasure.  I've spent years perfecting my patented technique.  Now take this
baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman:  "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
can get to work."

Mrs. Smith:  "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman:  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's
much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting.  Mrs.
Smith?... Mrs.  Smith?... My word, she's fainted!"

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 582 of 622                 Date: Sat  6/02/1999, 12:24 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 8 times

     To: All
Subject: And another... coz you like 'em ;>

The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments
Contest in the "New Woman  Magazine".

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided  to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told
her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.  I mustered up the last of
my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter....

                Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia

---------------------------------------------

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a
long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed
out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX,
SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."  In a business-like tone,
a voice boomed back over the intercom."DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER ???"

.....Colleen Sweeney

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 583 of 622                 Date: Sat  6/02/1999, 12:25 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 7 times

     To: All
Subject: Do I have more?  :>

Under the Sea

FYI- The "Brian" in the following letter is the son of a Boeing Computer
Systems employee.  This letter is going to his sister and he is a
commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. I'm sorry but his
experience should not be in vain. I must share this with the world. Excuse
the language and forward as you feel appropriate. Anytime you think you
have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter....True story.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I
had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I
first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my
office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a
wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is
this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece
of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to
the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my neck.  This floods my whole suit with warm
water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.  Everything was going well until all
of a sudden, my ass started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This
only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me.
The hot  water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now
I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the
jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers
were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I
could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.  When I got on board, the
medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of
cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my
asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have
been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the
ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think
about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up
your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office.  But if you do, I hope
that thought will make it a little more tolerable.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Brian

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 584 of 622                 Date: Sat 13/02/1999,  1:48 am  [I]
From: VICTOR KEMP                Read: 7 times  [1 Reply]

     To: ALL                     Origin: 13:666/340
Subject: Clean, wholesome, G-rated joke for the w

                          The Pirate Joke

One day in 17th century England, a pirate who'd been away for awhile went
to his favourite roadside pub. His favourite barwench was still working
there.

" 'Ere!" she said, "Wot's 'appened to you?! You look bloody AWFUL!"

"Whadya mean? I feel fine!" he retorted.

"What about that wooden leg? Last time you was in 'ere, you was chasin' me
around with TWO perfectly good legs!"

"Oh, that... Well, we was out t'sea, and we got into a battle, and a
cannonball came along and took me right leg clean off at the knee,but the
doc fixed me up with this 'ere peg, and I'm fine, really."

"And what about that 'ook? Last time you was in 'ere, you was pinchin' me
bum with TWO 'ands!"

"Oh, that... Well, we was out t'sea, and we got into a battle, and we'd no
sooner boarded the other ship when some blackguard chopped me left 'and off
clean at the wrist. I ran the bastard through, and the doc fixed me up with
this 'ere 'ook, and I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch? Last time you was in 'ere, you couldn't keep
BOTH eyes off me!"

"Oh, that... Well, we was out t'sea, and I 'appened to look up, and a
seagull shat in me left eye."

"You're daft, man. You don't lose your eye because of some bird shyte!"

"Well... I wasn't really used to the 'ook yet..."

vkemp@sans.vuw.ac.nz      http://campus.fortunecity.com/mason/752

... You know you're hooked when you consider BBSing better than sex.


--- Maximus 3.01
 * Origin: Orbital City, Wellington's finest. (13:666/340)
SEEN-BY: 666/1 18 340 911 4546 4645
 

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 585 of 622                 Date: Sun 14/02/1999, 11:38 pm  [E]
From: ZOSIMOS                    Read: 8 times

     To: VICTOR KEMP
Subject: Re: Clean, wholesome, G-rated joke for t

TAGLINE:
>... You know you're hooked when you consider BBSing better than sex.

Better still, combine the two !!  :>


--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 586 of 622                 Date: Tue 16/02/1999,  1:32 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 11 times

     To: All
Subject: hehe

A female flight attendant on a U.S airline flying to the Bahamas will never
forget the mix-up that occurred....an airline employee named Mark Gay
boarded the plane in Miami on a free standby ticket. Mr Gay moved from his
seat in 8C when a male passenger said he was supposed to be in 8C. The
plane was evidently oversold and the flight attendant came to 8C and said
"Excuse me Sir, are you Gay?"

The startled passenger said "...um...er...ah well , yes in fact I am." The
attendant said, "Well Sir you will have to leave this flight as we are
fully booked."

At this point Mr Gay overheard and turned around to say, "I think you made
a mistake , I'm Gay." The attendant said, "Oh I'm sorry you'll have to
leave as we're fully booked." And a passenger in 10C leapt up and yelled,
"Fuck 'em, I'm gay too....they can't throw us all off."

---------------------------------

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new
husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should
have separate suites.  She is concerned that the old fellow could over
exert himself.

After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on
the door she is expecting.  Sure enough the knock comes and there is her
groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave
of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes
there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more
action. Somewhat surprised she consents  to  further coupling, which is
again  successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night
and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for
the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is
again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.  Once again they do the
horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really
impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for  it three times.
I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"
Reply
#40
HUMOURMsg # 587 of 622                 Date: Fri 19/02/1999, 11:19 am  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 8 times

     To: All
Subject: A real goodie :>

Having her hair done at a West Hempstead, NY, beauty parlor, a Woman told a
cautionary tale about racial prejudice.

The story deserves a wider audience.

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related, she won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.  She took a break from the slots
for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.  But first she would
stash the quarters in her room.  "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"
she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard.   Both were black. One of them was big...  Very big... An
intimidating figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was:  These two are going to rob me. Her
next thought was:  Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black.  But racial stereotypes
are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two
men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her
mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious.  Her face burned. She couldn't just stand
there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped
forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.   Avoiding
eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they
closed.  A second passed, and then another second, and then another.  The
elevator didn't move.  Panic consumed her.  My God, she thought, I'm
trapped and about to be robbed!

Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.  Then One of the
men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her:  Do what they tell you.  The bucket of quarters flew
upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet.   A
shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if
you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button".
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.  He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.  She lifted her head and looked
up at the two men.

They reached down to help her up.   Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average
sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor.  I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am".  He spoke
genially.

He bit his lip.  It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.  She was too
humiliated to speak.   She wanted to  blurt out an apology, but words
failed her.  How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for behaving  as though they were robbing you?   She didn't know.  The 3 of
them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.  When the
elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room.

She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might
not make it down the corridor.   At her door they bid her good evening.  As
she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked
back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off.  She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room ~ a dozen roses.
Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.  A card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years".  It was signed,


            Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 588 of 622                 Date: Tue 23/02/1999,  2:19 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 9 times

     To: All
Subject: And another joke for yas :>

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to
me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow!  What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She
said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."


--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 589 of 622                 Date: Sun  7/03/1999,  2:11 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 6 times

     To: All
Subject: Some giggles for ya :>

Doing the Dishes

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson.  One day he has
finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking
out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in
the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old
biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome
if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love.  She asks
him to come home and meet her parents over dinner.  He readily agrees and
the date is set.  At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and
they ride to her parents house.  Before they go in she tells him that they
have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the
dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break and get stuck doing the dishes.  After a long fifteen
minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and
kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...!  Next he decides to take a more direct approach
so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And still no one says a word...!!!  Now he is getting desperate, so he
grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex.
But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he
hears thunder in the distance.  His first thought is to protect the chrome
on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline.  And
the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 590 of 622                 Date: Sun  7/03/1999,  2:23 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 7 times

     To: All
Subject: And another for yas :>

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into
motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the blonde begins to
slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm
grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck but she slides down the
side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to it's slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground again and again and again.

With her head constantly battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when the K-mart manager runs out to shut the
horse off.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 591 of 622                 Date: Sun  7/03/1999,  2:25 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 7 times

     To: All
Subject: And another.  Just for fun.

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly deeply and
passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship,
until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

"Why ?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere
crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean...and that
no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness and to drink
himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far
and wide dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join
in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters
all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose
from his throne.  Slowly painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across
the floor...and all could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after
another !  Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
finally looked King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush.

Finally, the crab spoke.

"Fuck, I'm pissed."

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 592 of 622                 Date: Fri 12/03/1999, 11:49 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 7 times

     To: All
Subject: One for the road...

Dear Mom and Dad,

     It has now been three months since I left for college.  I am sorry for
my thoughtlessness in not having written before.  I will bring you up to
date but before you read on you had better sit down. Okay?

     I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and concussion
I got when I jumped out of my apartment window when it caught fire after my
arrival here is pretty well healed.  I only spent two weeks in the hospital
and now I can see almost normally and only get these sick headaches once a
day.  Fortunately the fire and my jump were witnessed by Roger an attendant
at the gas station, and he was the one who called the fire department.  He
also visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live he was
kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.  He is a very
fine man, and we are planning to get married.  We haven't set the date yet,
but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.  His divorce is final
now, and he shares custody of his 3 children.

     The reason for the delay in our marriage is that Roger has a minor
infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I
carelessly caught it from him.  This will soon clear up with the penicillin
injections I am taking daily.

     Now that I have brought you up to date I want to tell you that there
was no fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in
the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis,
and there is no divorced man in my life.  However, I am getting a "D" in
Art and an "F" in Biology and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper
perspective.


Your loving daughter,

Jane


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 593 of 622                 Date: Fri 12/03/1999, 11:54 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 7 times

     To: All
Subject: And another one :>

Shake it Up

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she
agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a
fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the
side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting
pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him,
saying she's a  virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?" "EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she
screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then,
how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says.  "What do I have
to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well,
it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few
seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot
starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out
in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE
END!!!!!!"


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 594 of 622                 Date: Sun 21/03/1999,  4:43 pm  [I]
From: VICTOR KEMP                Read: 7 times

     To: ALL                     Origin: 13:666/340
Subject: You know you're Asian if..

YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF...
1. You're obsessed with your hair, your car, and your clothes 2. You want
to marry a Korean American or Chinese American woman
  (males); or you want to marry a white guy (females).
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE KOREAN IF...
1. You smoke and drink too much.
2. You've got a bottle of Kimchi in your fridge.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE CHINESE IF...
1. You think you're the smartest people in the world.
2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all times. 3. Today's
steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE VIETNAMESE IF...
1. You eat at restaurants that have "Pho" on their signboards. 2. You have
some relative who is Chinese.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO IF...
1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you
   have a job as a nurse, a security guard, or an accountant. 2. Some
member of your family is a politician or a movie star. 3. You're not afraid
of black people; in fact, you wish you were
   black.
4. You don't care if you are superior to all other Asians or not,
   because being Filipino is cool enough just by itself.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE THAI IF...
1. People offer to pay you for sex.
2. No matter what you eat, it's not greasy or spicy enough. 3. You're not
afraid of black people, cause in some cases you're
   scarier than they are.
4. You know in your heart you'll never be superior to all other
   Asians, but you've learned to live with it.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE MALAYSIAN IF ...
1. You don't believe anything the newspapers tell you, but would
   never say so in public.
2. The whole world (and George Soros) is out to destroy you and your
   country.
3. You would never admit to being afraid of black people, because it
   might disrupt racial harmony.
4. You don't think you are superior to other Asians, but your food,
   culture, english, humor, etc is.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE SINGAPOREAN IF ...
1. You eat, sleep, smile and have sex according to Government
   policy.
2. You don't think Lee Kuan Yew is a facist dictator.
3. Government policy is that you shouldn't be afraid of black
   people so you aren't.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians, cause the
   Government says so.

vkemp@mcs.vuw.ac.nz  or vkemp@paradise.net.nz   http://all.at/vkemp

... It's as bad as you think and they *are* out to get you.


--- Maximus 3.01
 * Origin: Orbital City, Wellington's finest. (13:666/340)
SEEN-BY: 666/1 18 340 911 4546 4645
 

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 595 of 622                 Date: Mon 29/03/1999, 12:32 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 7 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>

Always give 100% at work.......

    12% on Monday
    23% on Tuesday
    40% on Wednesday
    20% on Thursday
    5% on Fridays

And remember .......

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to
p__s you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to  frown only 4 to extend your
finger and tell them to f__k off.

Now get back to work.....

--------------------------------------------------------------

HUMOURMsg # 596 of 622                 Date: Mon 29/03/1999, 12:34 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 7 times

     To: All
Subject: And Another

King Arthur's Protection

When In Camelot King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was
worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of
the Round Table.  So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining
his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughful and said to come
back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard
was showing him his latest invention.  It was a chastity belt....except it
had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good,
Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.

How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just
observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found
what he was looking for.  He then selected his most worn out wand, one that
he was going to discard anyway.  He then inserted it in the gaping aperture
of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut
it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch,
"Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his
Quest.  Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for
an informal 'short arm' inspection.  Sure enough!  Each and every one of
them was either amputated or damaged in some way.  All of them except Sir
Galahad.  "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arther, "the one and only true
knight!  Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.  What is it in
my power to grant you?  Name it and it is yours!"

  But Sir Galahad was speechless.


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 597 of 622                 Date: Mon 29/03/1999, 12:36 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 7 times

     To: All
Subject: And Another

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

1.      Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
        "may I borrow a highlighter?"

2.      Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3.      Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

4.      Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5.      Say, "Now how did that get in there."

6.      Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
        under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy
        boy!"

7.      Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet
        paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor.  Then say,
        "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

8.      Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."

9.      Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
        "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
        adjacent stall.

10.     Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you
        can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 598 of 622                 Date: Tue 30/03/1999, 12:48 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 9 times

     To: All
Subject: More jokies :>

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand
and buys a paper.  Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the
reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes
into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to
which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She
replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your
pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to
tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip
her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says,

"OK, it's done.  You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant.  How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 599 of 622                 Date: Tue 30/03/1999, 12:48 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 9 times

     To: All
Subject: And another

This email is from the main receptionist for a major computer company -
it  went out  to all corporate employees.

      -------------------------------------------
      To: All Corporate Employees
      Subject: Copier!
      Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 12:48PM

      PLEASE PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here -- keep
      any and all paper clips away from the copier!

      We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper
      clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.

      PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier.
      Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a
      vacuum cleaner.

      Thanks for your help.

  (Hmmmmmmm, I wonder what brand of copier this was..............)


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 600 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/04/1999,  2:29 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: Some more humour...

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "F__k!"
Bad Skydiver: "F__k!!" "Whack!!"

************************************************************************

A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and saw a rancher sitting
on his porch with his dog.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep
ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em!!!!

************************************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 601 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/04/1999,  2:30 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: And More...

THREE BLONDES ON AN ISLAND

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and
offers to grant  each one of them a wish.

The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a
brown haired woman and  swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent that the previous one, so
instantly she is turned  into a black haired woman. The black haired woman
builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous
two. The fairy turns her into a SysOp, and she walks across the bridge.

;>

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

PAINT  IT

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money.  She decided to
go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as
a handy-woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah,
I have a job for you.   How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty
bucks!   Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked
the wife.  "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband
replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.   "I'm all finished,"
she told the surprised homeowner.  The man was amazed.  "You painted the
whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put
on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.  "Oh, and by the way," said
Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 602 of 622                 Date: Fri 30/04/1999,  3:39 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: And another one :>

THE BEAR AND THE RABBIT

There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog.
They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when
it talks to them.  The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people,
but when he does he gives them six wishes and tells them that they can have
3 wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female.
Which the frog immediately does. The rabbit after thinking for a while,
asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks that
all the bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and thus it is
so!

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before
him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine. The bear cannot
believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he
could of had for himself. Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That
all the other bears in the world be female as well.  The frog replies that
it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says:- "I
wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!

--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 603 of 622                 Date: Tue  4/05/1999,  3:28 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: And another :>

CHINESE PROVERBS

-Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly
-Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!-
-Man who run in front of car get tired-
-Man who run behind car get exhausted-
-Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day-
-Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
-Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
-Man with one chopstick go hungry.-
-Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.-
-Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.-
-Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!-
-Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.-
-War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.-
-Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.-
-Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.-
-Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!-
-Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!-
-It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.-
-Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!-
-Man who sit on tack get point!-
-Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!-
-Man who lives in glass house should change in basement-
-He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.-
-Man who farts in church sits in own pew.-
-Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion.
-Crowded elevator smells different to midget-


--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 604 of 622                 Date: Tue  4/05/1999,  3:28 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: ...

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one
is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all
love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.


A crowded United flight was canceled.  A single agent was rebooking a long
line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way
to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to
be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm
sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these
folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The
passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind
him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"  Without hesitating, the
gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have
your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he
is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,  sir, but you'll have to stand
in line for that, too."












--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 605 of 622                 Date: Tue  4/05/1999,  3:29 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: And more...


MICROSOFT SPELL CHECKER
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.



--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 606 of 622                 Date: Fri  7/05/1999,  3:11 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: And more from the net :>

                              Animal Antics

A man takes his wife to the stock show.  They start heading down the alley
that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He
mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull
and his sign stated:  "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns
to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year." "That is over
5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:  "This bull mated 365
times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW!  He  mated
365 times last year.

That is ONCE A DAY!!!  You could really learn  from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times
with the same cow."

.....................

"The Hunter and the Bear"

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by
a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were
unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his
heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then
suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather
quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed,
"Dear Lord!  Please give this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet
short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around,
somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said,
"Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."
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