08-02-2015, 06:21 PM
HUMOURMsg # 607 of 622 Date: Fri 7/05/1999, 3:14 pm [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 5 times
To: All
Subject: And another one :>
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line
for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with
anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself." The
befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces
him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, You have some major design flaws in
your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer,
types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints
out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is
flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men
are riding my invention than yours."
____________________________________________________________________
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
____________________________________________________________________
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well
the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on
something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."
--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 608 of 622 Date: Wed 28/10/1998, 6:06 pm [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 19 times
To: All Fwd From: *ShitLink: PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Tech Tales :>
My story begins when a customer we installed a new 3.8GB HDD returns with
the PC and a question.
Client: "That HDD you installed yesterday has run out of space already and
I don't know where it went!"
Me: "Sounds like someone has spent a long time on the net downloading
But I doubt that would be the case." (These guys are not the typical file
hoarders).
Client: "Well, I'll leave the PC with you and I'll pick it up later."
We accept to look at the PC, the customer fills in the necessary form and
we put the PC through the workflow.
After doing a quick diagnostic we discover that the HDD had only 120MB
left! This is ODD! We began investigating the rest of the disk. No faults,
everything looked fine.
Just as we were searching the rest of the disk for any possible spacefiller
virus we discover several levels off the \mygfx directory. These directories
held over 1GB of PORN. We didn't know how to react and then the customer
comes back with his 14 year old son following.
I explained that we had found a lot of porn consuming the disk to which I
noticed his son was edging his way towards the door.
Never the less, the customers son was made to erase all files (by his
father) and pay for the job. Some people will never learn.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I provide tech support for UPS and I had a guy call me and he was
complaining that his Eltron Printer(a small label printer) was only
printing half labels. I ran through all the normal troubleshooting steps
and I called 2040 (tech lead line) to recieve authorization to send out a
tech to give him a new one. The tech lead I talked to told me to reinstall
the printer driver. I went back to the customer and at that point he
decided to elighten me on what had happened a couple weeks before. He told
me this: "Well, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, it shot out this label that was on
fire and well since then it's been shooting out charred smoking labels, but
it always still worked." Needless to say I didn't bother to reinstall his
printer driver.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was working HelpDesk for a Utility COmpany, and I recieved a call from a
woman in one of our outlying offices.
Her: Our computer has a dead mouse. Do I call you?
Me: Yes, I'll be happy to help. What program are you using?
Her: We're using WordPerfect - why?
Me: That could be important...have you rebooted since the mouse died?
Her: Yes...several times, that mouse must have died weeks ago.
Me: Is the mouse connected tightly to the back of the computer?
Her: Yes, it's stuck pretty good.
Me: You might need a new mouse...or it might just need a cleaning. Could
you turn the mouse over, do you see the little black ball underneath it?
Her: What?!?
Me: Is something wrong?
Her: Turn it over? Look at it's WHAT? I am NOT touching that thing!!!
Me: Why not?
Her: Because it's a DEAD MOUSE, that's why!!!
Me: Ummm...huh?
Her: A REAL, LIVE, DEAD MOUSE!!!
It turns out that a real live mouse had tried to climb inside the PC
through a loose panel, gotten stuck and died...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A long time ago, a friend of mine related this story from her office.
She used to work for a firm that used the Merlin Office Telephone System.
The person who initially ordered it had done so not thinking that the
office would grow in a few years, and as a result, did not aquire an
upgradable package. Over the years, they went from half of one floor to
two whole floors, and the system, which was running on a different voltage,
would constantly go down as a result of the system overheating or other
problems that would trip the safety off switch. The system was not built
to handle that many phones, but someone had made a kludge that bypassed the
limitation somehow.
My friend was the secretary, and needed the phone system to work at all
times. During days of heavy phone use, the system had a tendency to go
down a lot, causing her to call a tech, who would come down and fix it. One
day, a new tech arrived, and after a few weeks of coming over almost once a
day, he took her aside.
"Miss?" he asked. "How would you like to look like a guru?"
"Okay," she said, amiable to that kind of status.
"It's not that I don't like coming here and fixing things. That's my job.
But I have come over here almost every day for three weeks, and always it's
the same problem. You guys are paying more for our visits than it would to
buy a whole new system. Here's what we'll do so I can save time, and you
don't have to wait for me to show up, and you'll look like the hero.
"When the system goes down again, go to your boss, and say you have had it
up to here with the system. Say you are sick of having to call the techs
day in and day out. Take off one of your shoes and bang it on the desk if
you want. Then demand two powdered donuts, some coffee, and a newspaper.
When you get these, go into the switch room over there, close the door after
you, and lock it. It's nice and cool in there. Sit down on a chair, read
the paper, drink the coffee, take off your shoes, and eat the donuts,
making sure to get your fingers covered with white dust. Then, open the
large black box, and push the button marked RESET. Hold it down for the
count of three, and wait for the test light to go back to green. Mess up
your hair a little, and come back out of the room with your shoes in your
fingers, and put them back on where people can see you. Exclaim you fixed
the system, by God, and you saved the office. In no time at all, people
will revere you like a Goddess."
She took the advice, and within weeks, she was revered as a tech guru. She
took the time to study the system some more, and soon learned that she was a
natural. Now, almost ten years later, that girl works for a software
testing company as a lead programmer, making a hell of a lot more than she
would have as a secretary.
She learned the secret of the black box.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knowing enough about computers to really screw up one, I have a lot of
friends who ask me for help. Some ask me for other people. This one
was a friend of a friend who said that her computer was whispering to her.
This was done by e-mail, and here is a condensed dialouge.
Her: Sometimes, when I turn on the computer, it whispers to me in evil
voices.
Me: Evil voices? Does is sound like hissing (thinking modem noise here).
Her: No, it's voices... after a while, it sounds like music.
Me: (thinking wacko) What kind of music?
Her: Evil, haunting music. It whispers "Gonna getcha gonna getcha..." and
then (describes this kind of music).
Me: How long does it last?
Her: As long as I have the computer on. Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it
doesn't. I usually have to wait a day before the music turns off.
Me: Is there anything in the CD-ROM drive?
Her: Yes, a shimmering disk of silver with runes on it. (actual wording)
I found out she had some sort of Gothic CD, and a CD-player that
automatically plays audio CD's at boot-up. Her step-son was using the
computer, and played this goth-industrial music softly so he wouldn't get
caught, but forgot to take the CD out. When she found this out, she was
SO relieved, she didn't even have the heart to punish him. It never
occurred to her she could play audio-CDs on her computer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
After close to 8 years in the computer industry I thought I had heard it
all....until now.
One of the guys who works in the support department with me fielded one of
THE most original phone calls ever.
Tech:Hello what seems to be the problem
Caller:I have a big problem.
Tech: Whats wrong?
Caller:In dial up networking I changed my dial up properties and now the
police are here!!
(note:we enable dial up networking locations (dial 9 for lead, use 1 + area
code, etc.)
Tech: You used dial up networking and now the police are there!!!??????
Caller: YES! They told me to stop dialing the emergency number 911
Tech: You dialled 911???
Caller: All I did was change my dial up properties.
Tech: What did you change?
Caller: Well I was at home and I put in a 9 for an outside line and 1 and
then the area code.
Tech: Hmm. did you see the number that was dialed?
Caller: Yes it was 9,1,1(areacode,then phone)
Tech:How many times did you try to call (fighting back the laughter and
tears)....)
Caller: I have been trying ALL DAMN DAY LONG to get ahold of you!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
me: Helpdesk.
mgr: Hi Rob, how are you?
me: Not bad (recognising voice) How's it going?
mgr: Pretty good, pretty good. Weather nice up there?
me: Yeah, quite nice. What can I help you with?
mgr: Oh right. Look, our PC's screen is on fire.
me: WHAT?
mgr: There's 3ft flames coming out of the top of the screen. What should I
do?
I realised he wasn't kidding when I heard one of his staff being hysterical
with a fire extinguisher in the background. All credit to the guy for
remaining calm in the face of adversity, though.
--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 609 of 622 Date: Thu 29/10/1998, 7:12 am [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 19 times
To: All Fwd From: *ShitLink: PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: More TechTales.com stuff :>
TS: CD-ROMs, Inc., can I help you?
Cust: I bought this #amn CD-ROM kit for over $300 %*ckin dollars and it
doesn't work!! What kind of *+it are you guys trying to pull!
TS: Sir!
Cust: I just spent the last 3 &*ckin hours installing this #$mn thing - a
total waste of my #*cking time!
TS: Sir!!
Cust: You ^%mn well better be ready to give me my money back! Who the &ell
do I talk to to get my *&ckin' money back!?
TS: SIR!!!
Cust: WHAT!!??
TS: Did you install the drivers?
Cust: (silence)
...click
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My first day answering the technical support line.
Woman calls in crying and in a panick. Her monitor screen had turned red,
solid red and she heard a ticking noise coming from the monitor.
After about 5 minutes troubleshooting we found that all of her display
colours had been set to red. When I had her move the monitor to see if
any thing was rubbing or bumping against it she found a piano time keeper
clicking away rythmically. Talk about trying to scare you out of a job.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one came from when me and some friends of mine worked for a P.C.
mailorder company in their tech support department. This is true, and one
of the most bizarre ones I have ever seen...
One man had called our tech support trying to get his cat out from
inside his printer. The man had bought a Star laser printer and those load
from the top. The cat had been walking on top of the printer and managed to
get his tail caught in the paper feed and fed into the printer.
The cat was furious, grolwing because the printer was still trying to
feed the paper and it's tail through. The owner was histerical, worried
about his cat. The tech was trying to figure out how to calm both of them.
The tech had the man unplug the printer to stop the motors, which made
the cat more relxed but still letting out small growls here and there.
After about 35 minutes of working and trying to get the printer apart to
free the cat, the tech made a conference call with Star's tech support to
see if they had any way of helping the man.
After another 30 minutes, Star's techs still couldn't help get the cat
out. Then they all hear him mumble something about the power. Seconds
later, the cat screams as the printer's power-up test routine once again
pulled the cat into it's gears.
The tech told the man to unplug the printer once more immediately. The
man does and comes back to the phone. He relays, "I think he's hurt. I
smell fur burning." Basically saying that the cat had been fed far enough
into the printer to reach the fuser. And eventually, after 2 companies,
three techs, one veteranarian, and some local anasthesia... They finally
got the cat out.
Here's the kicker:
About a year after the event occured, Star had a full page ad for it's
printers depicting a cat on top of it, and a full color copy being fed into
the tray. Coincidence? I think not. The tech had it scanned and used for his
wallpaper. I walked by and thought the man he had talked to had sent him a
photo!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I work for a ..respected computer manufacturer. A co-worker of mine had a
customer call for tech assistance with some software. He told the customer
that he need to press Control-A to perform a certain function. The customer
responded that it wasn't working.
This went on for about 25 minutes, The tech restating that he needed to
press and hold the Control-A.
He then realized the problem. The caller was Canadian. And he WAS holding
Control, eh.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Me:Thank you for calling (blah) technical support, how can I help you today.
Cust
yelling)I just got this blasted laptop and the cd-rom drive is
completely useless. It won't read any of my cd's.
Me:Okay sir, please open the drive and ...
Cust:I've already tried all of my cd's, more than 20, and none of them will
read, this is a brand new machine. I want a new one.
Me:Okay sir, but I need to make sure ...
Cust:You don't need to do anything except send me a new laptop.
Me:Well sir, this may not be a problem with the cd-rom drive...
Cust:YES IT IS!!!! DON'T YOU LISTEN?!?!
MeGetting upset) I do listen, but I will NOT send you a new machine until
I am SURE it is warranted. Please humor me and open the cd-rom tray.
Cust:!@#(*$)@(#*$ Okay, but I want your supervisor's name after this so I
can complain about the lousy ineffecient service you are giving me ... you
are wasting my time. I have been working with computers since you were a
junior high kid.
Me:Is the cd tray open?
Cust:Yes
Me
o you see a red plastic piece inside ... on the tray itself.
Cust:Yes
Me:Good, there are instructions written in 4 languages (Japanese,English,
German, and French)in big white letters on the red plastic piece ... PICK
ONE AND READ IT!
Cust:Remove this cover before use ...... (sheepishly) Oh.
Meo you still want my supervisor's name?
Cust:Ummm ... No, that's okay (Click)
------------------------------------------------------------
A tech visited a site about an unrelated problem when he noticed the user
holding a CD with her finger while she pushed the drive in.
It seems that when a hardware tech replaced the CD drive, he put it upside
down and every time she ejected the CD the damn thing fell out.
:>
--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 610 of 622 Date: Tue 3/11/1998, 6:34 pm [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 17 times
To: All Fwd From: *ShitLink: PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Some more Techtales for ya :>
I work in Tech Support for a rental company; the systems that we send out
are Mac-based, ut have tons of peripheral devices.
I got a call from a company renting a system a few weeks ago:
CLIENT: Uhm, I just turned on my system & something's beeping in the room.
I think to myself that it could be only two things in the room: the UPS or
one of the two drive chassis.
ME: Okay, can you hear where it's coming from? Listen carefully.
CLIENT: No, really, I can't narrow it down.
I'm listening to the noise too. It doesn't sound familiar.
ME: Okay. Shut down the computer & let's start turning things off until the
sound goes away.
I hear rustling and the sound of the computer going off.
Still then beeping. Then the beeping stops.
The phone gets picked back up and the girl sighs:
CLIENT: Uhm, I found it.
ME: Yeah?
CLIENT: It was my pager...
-------------------------------------------
"You blasted piece of trash!" An all too common scream erupted from my
den and threatened to wake the eastern seaboard with its magnitude and
furious tone. "What's the matter honey?" (As if I didn't know) "It's this
friggin' Computer James! Please...pretty please...call tech support and
find out why this thing won't work!"
And so it began. At approximatly 1:05 am, I, James Doom, ventured into
the realm of tech support. The extended journey began rather innocently as
I was greeted rather nicely by a pleasant chap named Rick. Our
conversation began in earnest.....and ended in humiliation.
(Rick) Ok Mr. Doom....now what is the problem?
(James) Well my wife can't seem to operate this new lap top I bought her.
(Rick) Is the machine receiving any power?
(James) Uhhh....nope. The screens just blank.
(Rick) Ok sir....what color hair does your wife have?
(James) huh?.......Blonde.....why?
(Rick) Plug it in and turn it on.
(click)
--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 611 of 622 Date: Tue 3/11/1998, 7:29 pm [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 16 times
To: All Fwd From: *ShitLink: PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: And more... do'ya enjoy these?
I worked with a major ISP about a year ago that had a slew of attacks to
some of our customers via Trojan horse programs. Despite copious warnings
to *NOT DOWNLOAD ANYTHING FROM SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW*, people cheerfully
downloaded "free programs" that bragged being screen savers, hacker tools,
and porno files. One version of this TH would take your password and login
keystrokes, and send them to someone on the Internet when you logged on.
One of our developers found a way to detect this TH, and soon, an automated
process started where the customer's account would be shut down, a ticket
would be generated, and an experienced tech rep would call the member at
home to make them aware, and have it removed off the system. This was hard
because the TH would be in your registry, have dozens of hidden files
labelled genuine-sounding names like "win386.exe" and modify your system
tray. So a tech rep had a job akin to doing skilled surgery over the phone
to a person who barely knew how to run "Explorer.exe". On top of that, we
had to make sure we weren't calling one of the hackers, because we didn't
have proper security in place yet in case they retaliated.
Most people were gratified by this service. But when the service first
started, I was monitoring a call that turned ugly rather unexpectedly.
Tech: Hello, this is [Bob] from [ISP], is this [Customer name]?
Kid: No, that's my mom. She's not here.
Tech: When will she be back, this is very important.
Kid: Uh... is this about why I can't get on the web?
Tech: Yes, but I must speak with the person who set up the account--
Kid: Uh, I'll handle it! M-my mother doesn't know how to fix computers,
see and --
[Then the tech heard the sound of mom asking, "Who's that on the phone,
dear?", and then the call was cut off. The tech called back, and this time
the mother answered]
Tech: [after explaining who we were, what happened, etc]... so you see, we
will need to go through your system and remove this.
Cust: Oh, dear, I don't know. I'm taking a course at college, so I guess
so. What do I need to do?
[The tech talked her through it. Luckily, she did everything we asked, and
removed the files off her system, despite her son constantly whining and
nagging her not to fool with it. "This computer doesn't have a virus!
Don't listen to this guy!" the kid kept saying. His whining became rather
intense when we got to the last part.]
Tech: Okay, now that we have rebooted, and we know the Trojan Horse is not
on the system, we have to find the original executable. Look in your
download directory and tell me if you see any files in there.
Cust: In the download directory to look at files? Okay.
Kid: Noooooooo! Stop mom, you don't know what you are doing! Nooooo!
Tech: Look for any of the following files... [list of files]
Cust: There's one! The porno4u.exe one. Hey, wait, porno?
Kid: Noooo!
Tech: Yes, DO NOT DOUBLE CLICK it. Click it once, and hit the delete key.
Cust: Okay... empty the recycle bin?
Tech: Yes, now the Trojan horse is off your--
Cust: Wait, how come it got on the computer in the first place?
Kid: Hang up on him, it doesn't matter, noooo!
Tech: Uh, well, the fact is, someone downloaded it. That file comes
attached to a piece of mail promising... uh...
Cust: Free noogie?
Tech: In a manner of speaking.
Cust: Well... since my ten-year-old son has the only e-mail account on
this computer, it would seem that he downloaded a file that promised free
noogie, is that correct?
Tech: Uh, well, some of our users did end up on a hacker's mailing list--
Kid: Don't listen to him, he's lying, I never would--OW!
Cust: [off phone] Joshua Herschel Epstien [fake name], you are going to
get the beating of your life when I get off this phone!!!
Kid: Nooooo! [smack]
Cust: Don't you DARE run away from me! I am giving this computer to your
sister at Vanderbilt for sure now! [smack smack]
Kid: Let go of my ear! Ow!
Cust: [surprisingly calm and polite to tech] Thank you dearie, for all your
help. You are a sweet boy. Unlike some children who will be grounded for
a MONTH! [smack]
The tech ended the call. All of us supervising the call, including a bigwig
assigned to the project were in tears laughing. I can't tell you how many
times we wanted to do that to customers downloading porno Trojan files! I
feel sorry for that kid...
--------------------------------
Quote from a brilliant member:
"I took the modem out of the computer so I could call you..."
Tech bangs his head slowly on the desk...
--------------------------------
Hi, is this tech support?
Yeah.
Well, I was formatting some floppy disks this morning.
OK.
... and one of them took a lot longer to format than any of the others.
Oh dear.
Now I can't seem to be able to get at anything on my hard disk...
----------------------------------------
I had someone call me and say they were having trouble running a particular
program.
I asked if they were on the network. They couldn't tell me. So I asked
them to go ahead and click on Start, then Run.
There next question was sort of a suprise. "Why should I run, what is the
computer going to do?
-----------------------------------------
Back in 1990, when five and a quarter inch floppy disks were still in use,
I worked in a software company tech support. One day a female colleaque of
mine had this conversation with a male customer:
Tech: "..and I need to send you new disks."
(Pause.)
Tech: "What kind do you have?"
(Pause.)
Tech: "Do you have kinda big black and soft, or small white and hard?"
Customer: "..WHAT?"
Tech: "..I asked you if.."
Customer: "...YES I HEARD..."
Customerafter doing some thinking)"..oh the DISKS!"
From: AIMEE Read: 5 times
To: All
Subject: And another one :>
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line
for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with
anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself." The
befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces
him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, You have some major design flaws in
your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer,
types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints
out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is
flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men
are riding my invention than yours."
____________________________________________________________________
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
____________________________________________________________________
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well
the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on
something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."
--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 608 of 622 Date: Wed 28/10/1998, 6:06 pm [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 19 times
To: All Fwd From: *ShitLink: PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Tech Tales :>
My story begins when a customer we installed a new 3.8GB HDD returns with
the PC and a question.
Client: "That HDD you installed yesterday has run out of space already and
I don't know where it went!"
Me: "Sounds like someone has spent a long time on the net downloading
But I doubt that would be the case." (These guys are not the typical file
hoarders).
Client: "Well, I'll leave the PC with you and I'll pick it up later."
We accept to look at the PC, the customer fills in the necessary form and
we put the PC through the workflow.
After doing a quick diagnostic we discover that the HDD had only 120MB
left! This is ODD! We began investigating the rest of the disk. No faults,
everything looked fine.
Just as we were searching the rest of the disk for any possible spacefiller
virus we discover several levels off the \mygfx directory. These directories
held over 1GB of PORN. We didn't know how to react and then the customer
comes back with his 14 year old son following.
I explained that we had found a lot of porn consuming the disk to which I
noticed his son was edging his way towards the door.
Never the less, the customers son was made to erase all files (by his
father) and pay for the job. Some people will never learn.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I provide tech support for UPS and I had a guy call me and he was
complaining that his Eltron Printer(a small label printer) was only
printing half labels. I ran through all the normal troubleshooting steps
and I called 2040 (tech lead line) to recieve authorization to send out a
tech to give him a new one. The tech lead I talked to told me to reinstall
the printer driver. I went back to the customer and at that point he
decided to elighten me on what had happened a couple weeks before. He told
me this: "Well, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, it shot out this label that was on
fire and well since then it's been shooting out charred smoking labels, but
it always still worked." Needless to say I didn't bother to reinstall his
printer driver.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was working HelpDesk for a Utility COmpany, and I recieved a call from a
woman in one of our outlying offices.
Her: Our computer has a dead mouse. Do I call you?
Me: Yes, I'll be happy to help. What program are you using?
Her: We're using WordPerfect - why?
Me: That could be important...have you rebooted since the mouse died?
Her: Yes...several times, that mouse must have died weeks ago.
Me: Is the mouse connected tightly to the back of the computer?
Her: Yes, it's stuck pretty good.
Me: You might need a new mouse...or it might just need a cleaning. Could
you turn the mouse over, do you see the little black ball underneath it?
Her: What?!?
Me: Is something wrong?
Her: Turn it over? Look at it's WHAT? I am NOT touching that thing!!!
Me: Why not?
Her: Because it's a DEAD MOUSE, that's why!!!
Me: Ummm...huh?
Her: A REAL, LIVE, DEAD MOUSE!!!
It turns out that a real live mouse had tried to climb inside the PC
through a loose panel, gotten stuck and died...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A long time ago, a friend of mine related this story from her office.
She used to work for a firm that used the Merlin Office Telephone System.
The person who initially ordered it had done so not thinking that the
office would grow in a few years, and as a result, did not aquire an
upgradable package. Over the years, they went from half of one floor to
two whole floors, and the system, which was running on a different voltage,
would constantly go down as a result of the system overheating or other
problems that would trip the safety off switch. The system was not built
to handle that many phones, but someone had made a kludge that bypassed the
limitation somehow.
My friend was the secretary, and needed the phone system to work at all
times. During days of heavy phone use, the system had a tendency to go
down a lot, causing her to call a tech, who would come down and fix it. One
day, a new tech arrived, and after a few weeks of coming over almost once a
day, he took her aside.
"Miss?" he asked. "How would you like to look like a guru?"
"Okay," she said, amiable to that kind of status.
"It's not that I don't like coming here and fixing things. That's my job.
But I have come over here almost every day for three weeks, and always it's
the same problem. You guys are paying more for our visits than it would to
buy a whole new system. Here's what we'll do so I can save time, and you
don't have to wait for me to show up, and you'll look like the hero.
"When the system goes down again, go to your boss, and say you have had it
up to here with the system. Say you are sick of having to call the techs
day in and day out. Take off one of your shoes and bang it on the desk if
you want. Then demand two powdered donuts, some coffee, and a newspaper.
When you get these, go into the switch room over there, close the door after
you, and lock it. It's nice and cool in there. Sit down on a chair, read
the paper, drink the coffee, take off your shoes, and eat the donuts,
making sure to get your fingers covered with white dust. Then, open the
large black box, and push the button marked RESET. Hold it down for the
count of three, and wait for the test light to go back to green. Mess up
your hair a little, and come back out of the room with your shoes in your
fingers, and put them back on where people can see you. Exclaim you fixed
the system, by God, and you saved the office. In no time at all, people
will revere you like a Goddess."
She took the advice, and within weeks, she was revered as a tech guru. She
took the time to study the system some more, and soon learned that she was a
natural. Now, almost ten years later, that girl works for a software
testing company as a lead programmer, making a hell of a lot more than she
would have as a secretary.
She learned the secret of the black box.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knowing enough about computers to really screw up one, I have a lot of
friends who ask me for help. Some ask me for other people. This one
was a friend of a friend who said that her computer was whispering to her.
This was done by e-mail, and here is a condensed dialouge.
Her: Sometimes, when I turn on the computer, it whispers to me in evil
voices.
Me: Evil voices? Does is sound like hissing (thinking modem noise here).
Her: No, it's voices... after a while, it sounds like music.
Me: (thinking wacko) What kind of music?
Her: Evil, haunting music. It whispers "Gonna getcha gonna getcha..." and
then (describes this kind of music).
Me: How long does it last?
Her: As long as I have the computer on. Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it
doesn't. I usually have to wait a day before the music turns off.
Me: Is there anything in the CD-ROM drive?
Her: Yes, a shimmering disk of silver with runes on it. (actual wording)
I found out she had some sort of Gothic CD, and a CD-player that
automatically plays audio CD's at boot-up. Her step-son was using the
computer, and played this goth-industrial music softly so he wouldn't get
caught, but forgot to take the CD out. When she found this out, she was
SO relieved, she didn't even have the heart to punish him. It never
occurred to her she could play audio-CDs on her computer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
After close to 8 years in the computer industry I thought I had heard it
all....until now.
One of the guys who works in the support department with me fielded one of
THE most original phone calls ever.
Tech:Hello what seems to be the problem
Caller:I have a big problem.
Tech: Whats wrong?
Caller:In dial up networking I changed my dial up properties and now the
police are here!!
(note:we enable dial up networking locations (dial 9 for lead, use 1 + area
code, etc.)
Tech: You used dial up networking and now the police are there!!!??????
Caller: YES! They told me to stop dialing the emergency number 911
Tech: You dialled 911???
Caller: All I did was change my dial up properties.
Tech: What did you change?
Caller: Well I was at home and I put in a 9 for an outside line and 1 and
then the area code.
Tech: Hmm. did you see the number that was dialed?
Caller: Yes it was 9,1,1(areacode,then phone)
Tech:How many times did you try to call (fighting back the laughter and
tears)....)
Caller: I have been trying ALL DAMN DAY LONG to get ahold of you!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
me: Helpdesk.
mgr: Hi Rob, how are you?
me: Not bad (recognising voice) How's it going?
mgr: Pretty good, pretty good. Weather nice up there?
me: Yeah, quite nice. What can I help you with?
mgr: Oh right. Look, our PC's screen is on fire.
me: WHAT?
mgr: There's 3ft flames coming out of the top of the screen. What should I
do?
I realised he wasn't kidding when I heard one of his staff being hysterical
with a fire extinguisher in the background. All credit to the guy for
remaining calm in the face of adversity, though.
--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 609 of 622 Date: Thu 29/10/1998, 7:12 am [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 19 times
To: All Fwd From: *ShitLink: PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: More TechTales.com stuff :>
TS: CD-ROMs, Inc., can I help you?
Cust: I bought this #amn CD-ROM kit for over $300 %*ckin dollars and it
doesn't work!! What kind of *+it are you guys trying to pull!
TS: Sir!
Cust: I just spent the last 3 &*ckin hours installing this #$mn thing - a
total waste of my #*cking time!
TS: Sir!!
Cust: You ^%mn well better be ready to give me my money back! Who the &ell
do I talk to to get my *&ckin' money back!?
TS: SIR!!!
Cust: WHAT!!??
TS: Did you install the drivers?
Cust: (silence)
...click
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My first day answering the technical support line.
Woman calls in crying and in a panick. Her monitor screen had turned red,
solid red and she heard a ticking noise coming from the monitor.
After about 5 minutes troubleshooting we found that all of her display
colours had been set to red. When I had her move the monitor to see if
any thing was rubbing or bumping against it she found a piano time keeper
clicking away rythmically. Talk about trying to scare you out of a job.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one came from when me and some friends of mine worked for a P.C.
mailorder company in their tech support department. This is true, and one
of the most bizarre ones I have ever seen...
One man had called our tech support trying to get his cat out from
inside his printer. The man had bought a Star laser printer and those load
from the top. The cat had been walking on top of the printer and managed to
get his tail caught in the paper feed and fed into the printer.
The cat was furious, grolwing because the printer was still trying to
feed the paper and it's tail through. The owner was histerical, worried
about his cat. The tech was trying to figure out how to calm both of them.
The tech had the man unplug the printer to stop the motors, which made
the cat more relxed but still letting out small growls here and there.
After about 35 minutes of working and trying to get the printer apart to
free the cat, the tech made a conference call with Star's tech support to
see if they had any way of helping the man.
After another 30 minutes, Star's techs still couldn't help get the cat
out. Then they all hear him mumble something about the power. Seconds
later, the cat screams as the printer's power-up test routine once again
pulled the cat into it's gears.
The tech told the man to unplug the printer once more immediately. The
man does and comes back to the phone. He relays, "I think he's hurt. I
smell fur burning." Basically saying that the cat had been fed far enough
into the printer to reach the fuser. And eventually, after 2 companies,
three techs, one veteranarian, and some local anasthesia... They finally
got the cat out.
Here's the kicker:
About a year after the event occured, Star had a full page ad for it's
printers depicting a cat on top of it, and a full color copy being fed into
the tray. Coincidence? I think not. The tech had it scanned and used for his
wallpaper. I walked by and thought the man he had talked to had sent him a
photo!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I work for a ..respected computer manufacturer. A co-worker of mine had a
customer call for tech assistance with some software. He told the customer
that he need to press Control-A to perform a certain function. The customer
responded that it wasn't working.
This went on for about 25 minutes, The tech restating that he needed to
press and hold the Control-A.
He then realized the problem. The caller was Canadian. And he WAS holding
Control, eh.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Me:Thank you for calling (blah) technical support, how can I help you today.
Cust
yelling)I just got this blasted laptop and the cd-rom drive iscompletely useless. It won't read any of my cd's.
Me:Okay sir, please open the drive and ...
Cust:I've already tried all of my cd's, more than 20, and none of them will
read, this is a brand new machine. I want a new one.
Me:Okay sir, but I need to make sure ...
Cust:You don't need to do anything except send me a new laptop.
Me:Well sir, this may not be a problem with the cd-rom drive...
Cust:YES IT IS!!!! DON'T YOU LISTEN?!?!
Me
Getting upset) I do listen, but I will NOT send you a new machine untilI am SURE it is warranted. Please humor me and open the cd-rom tray.
Cust:!@#(*$)@(#*$ Okay, but I want your supervisor's name after this so I
can complain about the lousy ineffecient service you are giving me ... you
are wasting my time. I have been working with computers since you were a
junior high kid.
Me:Is the cd tray open?
Cust:Yes
Me
o you see a red plastic piece inside ... on the tray itself.Cust:Yes
Me:Good, there are instructions written in 4 languages (Japanese,English,
German, and French)in big white letters on the red plastic piece ... PICK
ONE AND READ IT!
Cust:Remove this cover before use ...... (sheepishly) Oh.
Me
o you still want my supervisor's name?Cust:Ummm ... No, that's okay (Click)
------------------------------------------------------------
A tech visited a site about an unrelated problem when he noticed the user
holding a CD with her finger while she pushed the drive in.
It seems that when a hardware tech replaced the CD drive, he put it upside
down and every time she ejected the CD the damn thing fell out.
:>
--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 610 of 622 Date: Tue 3/11/1998, 6:34 pm [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 17 times
To: All Fwd From: *ShitLink: PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Some more Techtales for ya :>
I work in Tech Support for a rental company; the systems that we send out
are Mac-based, ut have tons of peripheral devices.
I got a call from a company renting a system a few weeks ago:
CLIENT: Uhm, I just turned on my system & something's beeping in the room.
I think to myself that it could be only two things in the room: the UPS or
one of the two drive chassis.
ME: Okay, can you hear where it's coming from? Listen carefully.
CLIENT: No, really, I can't narrow it down.
I'm listening to the noise too. It doesn't sound familiar.
ME: Okay. Shut down the computer & let's start turning things off until the
sound goes away.
I hear rustling and the sound of the computer going off.
Still then beeping. Then the beeping stops.
The phone gets picked back up and the girl sighs:
CLIENT: Uhm, I found it.
ME: Yeah?
CLIENT: It was my pager...
-------------------------------------------
"You blasted piece of trash!" An all too common scream erupted from my
den and threatened to wake the eastern seaboard with its magnitude and
furious tone. "What's the matter honey?" (As if I didn't know) "It's this
friggin' Computer James! Please...pretty please...call tech support and
find out why this thing won't work!"
And so it began. At approximatly 1:05 am, I, James Doom, ventured into
the realm of tech support. The extended journey began rather innocently as
I was greeted rather nicely by a pleasant chap named Rick. Our
conversation began in earnest.....and ended in humiliation.
(Rick) Ok Mr. Doom....now what is the problem?
(James) Well my wife can't seem to operate this new lap top I bought her.
(Rick) Is the machine receiving any power?
(James) Uhhh....nope. The screens just blank.
(Rick) Ok sir....what color hair does your wife have?
(James) huh?.......Blonde.....why?
(Rick) Plug it in and turn it on.
(click)
--------------------------------------------------------------
HUMOURMsg # 611 of 622 Date: Tue 3/11/1998, 7:29 pm [E]
From: AIMEE Read: 16 times
To: All Fwd From: *ShitLink: PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: And more... do'ya enjoy these?
I worked with a major ISP about a year ago that had a slew of attacks to
some of our customers via Trojan horse programs. Despite copious warnings
to *NOT DOWNLOAD ANYTHING FROM SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW*, people cheerfully
downloaded "free programs" that bragged being screen savers, hacker tools,
and porno files. One version of this TH would take your password and login
keystrokes, and send them to someone on the Internet when you logged on.
One of our developers found a way to detect this TH, and soon, an automated
process started where the customer's account would be shut down, a ticket
would be generated, and an experienced tech rep would call the member at
home to make them aware, and have it removed off the system. This was hard
because the TH would be in your registry, have dozens of hidden files
labelled genuine-sounding names like "win386.exe" and modify your system
tray. So a tech rep had a job akin to doing skilled surgery over the phone
to a person who barely knew how to run "Explorer.exe". On top of that, we
had to make sure we weren't calling one of the hackers, because we didn't
have proper security in place yet in case they retaliated.
Most people were gratified by this service. But when the service first
started, I was monitoring a call that turned ugly rather unexpectedly.
Tech: Hello, this is [Bob] from [ISP], is this [Customer name]?
Kid: No, that's my mom. She's not here.
Tech: When will she be back, this is very important.
Kid: Uh... is this about why I can't get on the web?
Tech: Yes, but I must speak with the person who set up the account--
Kid: Uh, I'll handle it! M-my mother doesn't know how to fix computers,
see and --
[Then the tech heard the sound of mom asking, "Who's that on the phone,
dear?", and then the call was cut off. The tech called back, and this time
the mother answered]
Tech: [after explaining who we were, what happened, etc]... so you see, we
will need to go through your system and remove this.
Cust: Oh, dear, I don't know. I'm taking a course at college, so I guess
so. What do I need to do?
[The tech talked her through it. Luckily, she did everything we asked, and
removed the files off her system, despite her son constantly whining and
nagging her not to fool with it. "This computer doesn't have a virus!
Don't listen to this guy!" the kid kept saying. His whining became rather
intense when we got to the last part.]
Tech: Okay, now that we have rebooted, and we know the Trojan Horse is not
on the system, we have to find the original executable. Look in your
download directory and tell me if you see any files in there.
Cust: In the download directory to look at files? Okay.
Kid: Noooooooo! Stop mom, you don't know what you are doing! Nooooo!
Tech: Look for any of the following files... [list of files]
Cust: There's one! The porno4u.exe one. Hey, wait, porno?
Kid: Noooo!
Tech: Yes, DO NOT DOUBLE CLICK it. Click it once, and hit the delete key.
Cust: Okay... empty the recycle bin?
Tech: Yes, now the Trojan horse is off your--
Cust: Wait, how come it got on the computer in the first place?
Kid: Hang up on him, it doesn't matter, noooo!
Tech: Uh, well, the fact is, someone downloaded it. That file comes
attached to a piece of mail promising... uh...
Cust: Free noogie?
Tech: In a manner of speaking.
Cust: Well... since my ten-year-old son has the only e-mail account on
this computer, it would seem that he downloaded a file that promised free
noogie, is that correct?
Tech: Uh, well, some of our users did end up on a hacker's mailing list--
Kid: Don't listen to him, he's lying, I never would--OW!
Cust: [off phone] Joshua Herschel Epstien [fake name], you are going to
get the beating of your life when I get off this phone!!!
Kid: Nooooo! [smack]
Cust: Don't you DARE run away from me! I am giving this computer to your
sister at Vanderbilt for sure now! [smack smack]
Kid: Let go of my ear! Ow!
Cust: [surprisingly calm and polite to tech] Thank you dearie, for all your
help. You are a sweet boy. Unlike some children who will be grounded for
a MONTH! [smack]
The tech ended the call. All of us supervising the call, including a bigwig
assigned to the project were in tears laughing. I can't tell you how many
times we wanted to do that to customers downloading porno Trojan files! I
feel sorry for that kid...
--------------------------------
Quote from a brilliant member:
"I took the modem out of the computer so I could call you..."
Tech bangs his head slowly on the desk...
--------------------------------
Hi, is this tech support?
Yeah.
Well, I was formatting some floppy disks this morning.
OK.
... and one of them took a lot longer to format than any of the others.
Oh dear.
Now I can't seem to be able to get at anything on my hard disk...
----------------------------------------
I had someone call me and say they were having trouble running a particular
program.
I asked if they were on the network. They couldn't tell me. So I asked
them to go ahead and click on Start, then Run.
There next question was sort of a suprise. "Why should I run, what is the
computer going to do?
-----------------------------------------
Back in 1990, when five and a quarter inch floppy disks were still in use,
I worked in a software company tech support. One day a female colleaque of
mine had this conversation with a male customer:
Tech: "..and I need to send you new disks."
(Pause.)
Tech: "What kind do you have?"
(Pause.)
Tech: "Do you have kinda big black and soft, or small white and hard?"
Customer: "..WHAT?"
Tech: "..I asked you if.."
Customer: "...YES I HEARD..."
Customer
after doing some thinking)"..oh the DISKS!"