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Humour for the Streets!
HUMOURMsg # 607 of 622                 Date: Fri  7/05/1999,  3:14 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: And another one :>

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.  At the gates, an angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line
for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with
anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself."  The
befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces
him to God.  Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, You have some major design flaws in
your invention:

      l. There's too much front end protrusion
      2. It chatters at high speeds
      3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
      4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer,
types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints
out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is
flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men
are riding my invention than yours."

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

  Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time.  She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude.  But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.  Well
the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on
something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."

HUMOURMsg # 608 of 622                 Date: Wed 28/10/1998,  6:06 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 19 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Tech Tales :>

My story begins when a customer we installed a new 3.8GB HDD returns with
the PC and a question.

Client:  "That HDD you installed yesterday has run out of space already and
I don't know where it went!"

Me:      "Sounds like someone has spent a long time on the net downloading
But I doubt that would be the case." (These guys are not the typical file

Client:  "Well, I'll leave the PC with you and I'll pick it up later."

We accept to look at the PC, the customer fills in the necessary form and
we put the PC through the workflow.

After doing a quick diagnostic we discover that the HDD had only 120MB
left! This is ODD! We began investigating the rest of the disk. No faults,
everything looked fine.

Just as we were searching the rest of the disk for any possible spacefiller
virus we discover several levels off the \mygfx directory. These directories
held over 1GB of PORN. We didn't know how to react and then the customer
comes back with his 14 year old son following.

I explained that we had found a lot of porn consuming the disk to which I
noticed his son was edging his way towards the door.

Never the less, the customers son was made to erase all files (by his
father) and pay for the job. Some people will never learn. Smile


I provide tech support for UPS and I had a guy call me and he was
complaining that his Eltron Printer(a small label printer) was only
printing half labels.  I ran through all the normal troubleshooting steps
and I called 2040 (tech lead line) to recieve authorization to send out a
tech to give him a new one.  The tech lead I talked to told me to reinstall
the printer driver. I went back to the customer and at that point he
decided to elighten me on what had happened a couple weeks before. He told
me this: "Well, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, it shot out this label that was on
fire and well since then it's been shooting out charred smoking labels, but
it always still worked." Needless to say I didn't bother to reinstall his
printer driver.


I was working HelpDesk for a Utility COmpany, and I recieved a call from a
woman in one of our outlying offices.

Her: Our computer has a dead mouse. Do I call you?

Me: Yes, I'll be happy to help. What program are you using?

Her: We're using WordPerfect - why?

Me: That could be important...have you rebooted since the mouse died?

Her: Yes...several times, that mouse must have died weeks ago.

Me: Is the mouse connected tightly to the back of the computer?

Her: Yes, it's stuck pretty good.

Me: You might need a new mouse...or it might just need a cleaning. Could
you turn the mouse over, do you see the little black ball underneath it?

Her: What?!?

Me: Is something wrong?

Her: Turn it over? Look at it's WHAT? I am NOT touching that thing!!!

Me: Why not?

Her: Because it's a DEAD MOUSE, that's why!!!

Me: Ummm...huh?


It turns out that a real live mouse had tried to climb inside the PC
through a loose panel, gotten stuck and died...


A long time ago, a friend of mine related this story from her office.

She used to work for a firm that used the Merlin Office Telephone System.
The person who initially ordered it had done so not thinking that the
office would grow in a few years, and as a result, did not aquire an
upgradable package.  Over the years, they went from half of one floor to
two whole floors, and the system, which was running on a different voltage,
would constantly go down as a result of the system overheating or other
problems that would trip the safety off switch.  The system was not built
to handle that many phones, but someone had made a kludge that bypassed the
limitation somehow.

My friend was the secretary, and needed the phone system to work at all
times.  During days of heavy phone use, the system had a tendency to go
down a lot, causing her to call a tech, who would come down and fix it. One
day, a new tech arrived, and after a few weeks of coming over almost once a
day, he took her aside.

"Miss?" he asked.  "How would you like to look like a guru?"

"Okay," she said, amiable to that kind of status.

"It's not that I don't like coming here and fixing things.  That's my job.
But I have come over here almost every day for three weeks, and always it's
the same problem.  You guys are paying more for our visits than it would to
buy a whole new system.  Here's what we'll do so I can save time, and you
don't have to wait for me to show up, and you'll look like the hero.

"When the system goes down again, go to your boss, and say you have had it
up to here with the system.  Say you are sick of having to call the techs
day in and day out.  Take off one of your shoes and bang it on the desk if
you want.  Then demand two powdered donuts, some coffee, and a newspaper.
When you get these, go into the switch room over there, close the door after
you, and lock it.  It's nice and cool in there.  Sit down on a chair, read
the paper, drink the coffee, take off your shoes, and eat the donuts,
making  sure to get your fingers covered with white dust.  Then, open the
large black  box, and push the button marked RESET.  Hold it down for the
count of three,  and wait for the test light to go back to green.  Mess up
your hair a little,  and come back out of the room with your shoes in your
fingers, and put them  back on where people can see you.  Exclaim you fixed
the system, by God, and  you saved the office.  In no time at all, people
will revere you like a Goddess."

She took the advice, and within weeks, she was revered as a tech guru.  She
took the time to study the system some more, and soon learned that she was a
natural.  Now, almost ten years later, that girl works for a software
testing company as a lead programmer, making a hell of a lot more than she
would have as a secretary.

She learned the secret of the black box.


Knowing enough about computers to really screw up one, I have a lot of
friends who ask me for help.  Some ask me for other people.  This one
was a friend of a friend who said that her computer was whispering to her.

This was done by e-mail, and here is a condensed dialouge.

Her: Sometimes, when I turn on the computer, it whispers to me in evil

Me: Evil voices?  Does is sound like hissing (thinking modem noise here).

Her: No, it's voices... after a while, it sounds like music.

Me: (thinking wacko) What kind of music?

Her: Evil, haunting music.  It whispers "Gonna getcha gonna getcha..." and
then (describes this kind of music).

Me: How long does it last?

Her: As long as I have the computer on.  Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it
doesn't.  I usually have to wait a day before the music turns off.

Me: Is there anything in the CD-ROM drive?

Her: Yes, a shimmering disk of silver with runes on it. (actual wording)

I found out she had some sort of Gothic CD, and a CD-player that
automatically plays audio CD's at boot-up.  Her step-son was using  the
computer, and played this goth-industrial music softly so he  wouldn't get
caught, but forgot to take the CD out.  When she found  this out, she was
SO relieved, she didn't even have the heart to punish  him.  It never
occurred to her she could play audio-CDs on her computer.


After close to 8 years in the computer industry I thought I had heard it
all....until now.

One of the guys who works in the support department with me fielded one of
THE most original phone calls ever.

Tech:Hello what seems to be the problem

Caller:I have a big problem.

Tech: Whats wrong?

Caller:In dial up networking I changed my dial up properties and now the
police are here!!

(note:we enable dial up networking locations (dial 9 for lead, use 1 + area
code, etc.)

Tech: You used dial up networking and now the police are there!!!??????

Caller: YES! They told me to stop dialing the emergency number 911

Tech: You dialled 911???

Caller: All I did was change my dial up properties.

Tech: What did you change?

Caller: Well I was at home and I put in a 9 for an outside line and 1 and
then the area code.

Tech: Hmm. did you see the number that was dialed?

Caller: Yes it was 9,1,1(areacode,then phone)

Tech:How many times did you try to call (fighting back the laughter and

Caller: I have been trying ALL DAMN DAY LONG to get ahold of you!!!!!!


 me:  Helpdesk.
mgr:  Hi Rob, how are you?
 me:  Not bad (recognising voice) How's it going?
mgr:  Pretty good, pretty good. Weather nice up there?
 me:  Yeah, quite nice. What can I help you with?
mgr:  Oh right. Look, our PC's screen is on fire.
 me:  WHAT?
mgr:  There's 3ft flames coming out of the top of the screen. What should I

I realised he wasn't kidding when I heard one of his staff being hysterical
with a fire extinguisher in the background. All credit to the guy for
remaining calm in the face of adversity, though.

HUMOURMsg # 609 of 622                 Date: Thu 29/10/1998,  7:12 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 19 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: More stuff :>

TS: CD-ROMs, Inc., can I help you?
Cust: I bought this #amn CD-ROM kit for over $300 %*ckin dollars and it
doesn't work!!  What kind of *+it are you guys trying to pull!

TS: Sir!
Cust: I just spent the last 3 &*ckin hours installing this #$mn thing - a
total waste of my #*cking time!

TS: Sir!!
Cust: You ^%mn well better be ready to give me my money back!  Who the &ell
do I talk to to get my *&ckin' money back!?

TS: SIR!!!
Cust:  WHAT!!??

TS: Did you install the drivers?
Cust: (silence)


My first day answering the technical support line.
Woman calls in crying and in a panick.  Her monitor screen had turned red,
solid red and she heard a ticking noise coming from the monitor.

After about 5 minutes troubleshooting we found that all of her display
colours had been set to red.  When I had her move the monitor to see if
any thing was rubbing or bumping against it she found a piano time keeper
clicking away rythmically.  Talk about trying to scare you out of a job.


This one came from when me and some friends of mine worked for a P.C.
mailorder company in their tech support  department. This is true, and one
of the most bizarre ones  I have ever seen...

   One man had called our tech support trying to get his cat out from
inside his printer. The man had bought a Star laser printer and those load
from the top. The cat had been walking on top of the printer and managed to
get his tail caught in the paper feed and fed into the printer.

   The cat was furious, grolwing because the printer was still trying to
feed the paper and it's tail through. The owner was histerical, worried
about his cat. The tech was trying to figure out how to calm both of them.

   The tech had the man unplug the printer to stop the motors, which made
the cat more relxed but still letting out small growls here and there.
After about 35 minutes of working and trying to get the printer apart to
free the cat, the tech made a conference call with Star's tech support to
see if they had any way of helping the man.

    After another 30 minutes, Star's techs still couldn't help get the cat
out. Then they all hear him mumble something about the power. Seconds
later, the cat screams as the printer's power-up test routine once again
pulled the cat into it's gears.

   The tech told the man to unplug the printer once more immediately. The
man does and comes back to the phone. He relays, "I think he's hurt. I
smell fur burning." Basically saying that the cat had been fed far enough
into the printer to reach the fuser. And eventually, after 2 companies,
three techs, one veteranarian, and some local anasthesia... They finally
got the cat out.

Here's the kicker:
    About a year after the event occured, Star had a full page ad for it's
printers depicting a cat on top of it, and a full color copy being fed into
the tray. Coincidence? I think not. The tech had it scanned and used for his
wallpaper. I walked by and thought the man he had talked to had sent him a


I work for a ..respected computer manufacturer. A co-worker of mine had a
customer call for tech assistance with some software. He told the customer
that he need to press Control-A to perform a certain function. The customer
responded that it wasn't working.

This went on for about 25 minutes, The tech restating that he needed to
press and hold the Control-A.

He then realized the problem. The caller was Canadian. And he WAS holding
Control, eh.


Me:Thank you for calling (blah) technical support, how can I help you today.

CustSadyelling)I just got this blasted laptop and the cd-rom drive is
completely useless. It won't read any of my cd's.

Me:Okay sir, please open the drive and ...

Cust:I've already tried all of my cd's, more than 20, and none of them will
read, this is a brand new machine. I want a new one.

Me:Okay sir, but I need to make sure ...

Cust:You don't need to do anything except send me a new laptop.

Me:Well sir, this may not be a problem with the cd-rom drive...


MeSadGetting upset) I do listen, but I will NOT send you a new machine until
I am SURE it is warranted. Please humor me and open the cd-rom tray.

Cust:!@#(*$)@(#*$ Okay, but I want your supervisor's name after this so I
can complain about the lousy ineffecient service you are giving me ... you
are wasting my time. I have been working with computers since you were a
junior high kid.

Me:Is the cd tray open?


MeBig Grino you see a red plastic piece inside ... on the tray itself.


Me:Good, there are instructions written in 4 languages (Japanese,English,
German, and French)in big white letters on the red plastic piece ... PICK

Cust:Remove this cover before use ...... (sheepishly) Oh.

MeBig Grino you still want my supervisor's name?

Cust:Ummm ... No, that's okay (Click)


A tech visited a site about an unrelated problem when he noticed the user
holding a CD with her finger while she pushed the drive in.

It seems that when a hardware tech replaced the CD drive, he put it upside
down and every time she ejected the CD the damn thing fell out.


HUMOURMsg # 610 of 622                 Date: Tue  3/11/1998,  6:34 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 17 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: Some more Techtales for ya :>

I work in Tech Support for a rental company; the systems that we send out
are Mac-based,  ut have tons of peripheral devices.
I got a call from a company renting a system a few weeks ago:

CLIENT: Uhm, I just turned on my system & something's beeping in the room.

I think to myself that it could be only two things in the room: the UPS or
one of the two drive chassis.

ME: Okay, can you hear where it's coming from? Listen carefully.
CLIENT: No, really, I can't narrow it down.

I'm listening to the noise too.  It doesn't sound familiar.
ME: Okay. Shut down the computer & let's start turning things off until the
sound goes away.

I hear rustling and the sound of the computer going off.
Still then beeping.  Then the beeping stops.
The phone gets picked back up and the girl sighs:

CLIENT: Uhm, I found it.
ME: Yeah?
CLIENT: It was my pager...


  "You blasted piece of trash!" An all too common scream erupted from my
den and threatened to wake the eastern seaboard with its magnitude and
furious tone. "What's the matter honey?" (As if I didn't know) "It's this
friggin' Computer James! Please...pretty tech support and
find out why this thing won't work!"

     And so it began. At approximatly 1:05 am, I, James Doom, ventured into
the realm of tech support. The extended journey began rather innocently as
I was greeted  rather nicely by a pleasant chap named Rick. Our
conversation began in earnest.....and ended in humiliation.

(Rick) Ok Mr. what is the problem?

(James) Well my wife can't seem to operate this new lap top I bought her.

(Rick) Is the machine receiving any power?

(James) Uhhh....nope. The screens just blank.

(Rick) Ok sir....what color hair does your wife have?

(James) huh?.......Blonde.....why?

(Rick) Plug it in and turn it on.


HUMOURMsg # 611 of 622                 Date: Tue  3/11/1998,  7:29 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 16 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: *ShitLink:  PC Buy, Sell, Problems
Subject: And more... do'ya enjoy these?

I worked with a major ISP about a year ago that had a slew of attacks to
some of our customers via Trojan horse programs.  Despite copious warnings
downloaded "free programs" that bragged being screen savers, hacker tools,
and porno files.  One version of this TH would take your password and login
keystrokes, and send them to someone on the Internet when you logged on.
One of our developers found a way to detect this TH, and soon, an automated
process started where the customer's account would be shut down, a ticket
would be generated, and an experienced tech rep would call the member at
home to make them aware, and have it removed off the system. This was hard
because the TH would be in your registry, have dozens of hidden files
labelled genuine-sounding names like "win386.exe" and modify your system
tray.  So a tech rep had a job akin to doing skilled surgery over the phone
to a person who barely knew how to run "Explorer.exe".  On top of that, we
had to make sure we weren't calling one of the hackers, because we didn't
have proper security in place yet in case they retaliated.

Most people were gratified by this service.  But when the service first
started, I was monitoring a call that turned ugly rather unexpectedly.

Tech: Hello, this is [Bob] from [ISP], is this [Customer name]?
 Kid: No, that's my mom.  She's not here.
Tech: When will she be back, this is very important.
 Kid: Uh... is this about why I can't get on the web?
Tech: Yes, but I must speak with the person who set up the account--
 Kid: Uh, I'll handle it!  M-my mother doesn't know how to fix computers,
see and --

[Then the tech heard the sound of mom asking, "Who's that on the phone,
dear?", and then the call was cut off.  The tech called back, and this time
the mother answered]

Tech: [after explaining who we were, what happened, etc]... so you see, we
will need to go through your system and remove this.
Cust: Oh, dear, I don't know.  I'm taking a course at college, so I guess
so.  What do I need to do?

[The tech talked her through it.  Luckily, she did everything we asked, and
removed the files off her system, despite her son constantly whining and
nagging her not to fool with it.  "This computer doesn't have a virus!
Don't listen to this guy!" the kid kept saying.  His whining became rather
intense when we got to the last part.]

Tech: Okay, now that we have rebooted, and we know the Trojan Horse is not
on the system, we have to find the original executable.  Look in your
download directory and tell me if you see any files in there.
Cust: In the download directory to look at files?  Okay.
 Kid: Noooooooo!  Stop mom, you don't know what you are doing!  Nooooo!
Tech: Look for any of the following files... [list of files]
Cust: There's one!  The porno4u.exe one.  Hey, wait, porno?
 Kid: Noooo!
Tech: Yes, DO NOT DOUBLE CLICK it.  Click it once, and hit the delete key.
Cust: Okay... empty the recycle bin?
Tech: Yes, now the Trojan horse is off your--
Cust: Wait, how come it got on the computer in the first place?
 Kid: Hang up on him, it doesn't matter, noooo!
Tech: Uh, well, the fact is, someone downloaded it.  That file comes
attached to a piece of mail promising... uh...
Cust: Free noogie?
Tech: In a manner of speaking.
Cust: Well... since my ten-year-old son has the only e-mail account on
this computer, it would seem that he downloaded a file that promised free
noogie, is that correct?
Tech: Uh, well, some of our users did end up on a hacker's mailing list--
 Kid: Don't listen to him, he's lying, I never would--OW!
Cust: [off phone] Joshua Herschel Epstien [fake name], you are going to
get the beating of your life when I get off this phone!!!
 Kid: Nooooo! [smack]
Cust: Don't you DARE run away from me!  I am giving this computer to your
sister at Vanderbilt for sure now!  [smack smack]
 Kid: Let go of my ear!  Ow!
Cust: [surprisingly calm and polite to tech] Thank you dearie, for all your
help.  You are a sweet boy.  Unlike some children who will be grounded for
a MONTH! [smack]

The tech ended the call.  All of us supervising the call, including a bigwig
assigned to the project were in tears laughing.  I can't tell you how many
times we wanted to do that to customers downloading porno Trojan files!  I
feel sorry for that kid...


Quote from a brilliant member:
"I took the modem out of the computer so I could call you..."
Tech bangs his head slowly on the desk...


Hi, is this tech support?


Well, I was formatting some floppy disks this morning.


... and one of them took a lot longer to format than any of the others.

Oh dear.

Now I can't seem to be able to get at anything on my hard disk...


I had someone call me and say they were having trouble running a particular

I asked if they were on the network.  They couldn't tell me.  So I asked
them to go ahead and click on Start, then Run.

There next question was sort of a suprise.  "Why should I run, what is the
computer going to do?


Back in 1990, when five and a quarter inch floppy disks were still in use,
I worked in a software company tech support. One day a female colleaque of
mine had this conversation with a male customer:

Tech: "..and I need to send you new disks."
Tech: "What kind do you have?"
Tech: "Do you have kinda big black and soft, or small white and hard?"
Customer: "..WHAT?"
Tech: "..I asked you if.."
Customer: "...YES I HEARD..."
CustomerSadafter doing some thinking)"..oh the DISKS!"
HUMOURMsg # 612 of 622                 Date: Mon 24/05/1999, 12:26 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 4 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>

The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and
European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing
your personality with one simple question.

Which is your favourite Teletubbie?
A.   Yellow - La La
B.   Purple - Tinky Winky
C.   Green - Dipsy
D.   Red - Po

Scroll down to get your profile

A.   You chose the Yellow Teletubbie.  You are gay.
B.   You chose the Purple Teletubbie.  You are gay.
C.   You chose the Green Teletubbie.  You are gay.
D.   You chose the Red Teletubbie.  You are gay.

The information contained in this message may be
CONFIDENTIAL and is intended for the addressee only.
Any unauthorized use, dissemination of the information,
or copying of this message is prohibited. If you
are not the addressee, please notify the sender
immediately by return e-mail and delete this message.
Thank you.

HUMOURMsg # 613 of 622                 Date: Mon 24/05/1999, 12:27 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 4 times

     To: All
Subject: And another.. :>

                          She's So Dumb That...

she stared at the carton of juice for hours because it said "concentrate"

she thought a quaterback was a refund.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she tripped over the cordless phone.

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

she told someone to met her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.

at the bottom of the application form where it says "sign here" she wrote

if she spoke her mind,she'd be speechless.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home,she moved.

it took her 3 months to realize she could play her AM radio at night.

The information contained in this message may be
CONFIDENTIAL and is intended for the addressee only.
Any unauthorized use, dissemination of the information,
or copying of this message is prohibited. If you
are not the addressee, please notify the sender
immediately by return e-mail and delete this message.
Thank you.

HUMOURMsg # 614 of 622                 Date: Sat  5/06/1999, 11:48 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 4 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>


1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by
   killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably
   haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
   fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

11. We waste time, so you don't have to.

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.


14. Succeed in spite of management.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

HUMOURMsg # 615 of 622                 Date: Sat  5/06/1999, 11:49 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 4 times

     To: All
Subject: And another :>

A mother had three daughters.  When each one got married she asked them to
write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single
message,  "Maxwell Coffeehouse".  The Mother is confused but finally
noticed a Maxwell  coffee ad, and it said; "Satisfaction to the last
drop..." So, Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her
reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans
ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding.  Mother was anxious.  It took 4 weeks
for a message to come through.  When it did the message was simply  "BRITISH
AIRWAYS".  Mother was so concerned.  She frantically went  through all the
newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted. The ad


Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any
later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be
home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't
show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I
met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no
prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember,
exactly ...Peter Peter,something or other...."


Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A
couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a


Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding
Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and
pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just
like it says in the book!"


Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch?

HUMOURMsg # 616 of 622                 Date: Tue  8/06/1999, 11:47 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 5 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>

In case we needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

 On Sears hairdryer:
 Do not use while sleeping.

 On a bag of Fritos:
 You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

 On a bar of Dial soap:
 Directions: Use like regular soap.

 On some Swanson frozen dinners:
 Serving suggestion: Defrost.

 On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
 Fits one head.

 On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
 (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

 On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
 Product will be hot after heating.

 On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
 Do not iron clothes on body.

 On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
 Do not drive car or operate machinery.

 On Nytol sleep aid:
 Warning: may cause drowsiness.

 On a Korean kitchen knife:
 Warning keep out of children.

 On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
 For indoor or outdoor use only.

 On a Japanese food processor:
 Not to be used for the other use.

 On Sainsbury's peanuts:
 Warning: contains nuts.

 On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
 Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

 On a Swedish chainsaw:
 Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

 On a child's superman costume:
 Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

HUMOURMsg # 617 of 622                 Date: Sun 13/06/1999, 12:39 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 4 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes :>

 Pure Genius=--=
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.
Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
eardrums.  This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at
a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.  Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to
the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
in one place, they turn up in another.  When a Bostonian "pahks his cah,"
the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and
invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant
slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats;the two
opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the
ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail
could easily link New York with Chicago.

HUMOURMsg # 618 of 622                 Date: Sat 19/06/1999, 12:09 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 4 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: Humour for ya :>

A Woman's Random Thoughts:

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they
kidding?  That is my idea of a perfect day..

Skinny people piss me off!  Especially when they say things like, "You know
sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat..

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.. She had
14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit..

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.  Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd
you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"  Clear as a
bell my body said, "listen it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and
then they marry him.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30
can fit into their stuff..

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

HUMOURMsg # 619 of 622                 Date: Sat 19/06/1999, 12:10 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 4 times

     To: All
Subject: And another :>  Anyone reading these?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "God, I have a

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy  snake,but I'm
just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" comes the reply from above.

"God, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' God?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly.  All
in all he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be really good at  fighting
and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants and not
altogether bad  in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an raised eyebrow.

"But you can have him only on one condition," God said.

"What's that, God?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

HUMOURMsg # 620 of 622                 Date: Tue 22/06/1999, 10:02 pm  [E]
From: XLNC                       Read: 3 times  [1 Reply]

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: Humour for ya :>

>"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
>intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

True story: A tie is actually a throwback to the days when we needed a
piece of rag to wipe off the blood of our swords...
Most men are Right handed so most stripes on ties are diagional lowest on
the right hand side (The same way blood smears would be)
So the reason we still wear ties... Because we're lost in the past!


HUMOURMsg # 621 of 622                 Date: Thu 24/06/1999, 11:41 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 2 times

     To: XLNC
Subject: Re: Humour for ya :>

>>"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
>>intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
>True story: A tie is actually a throwback to the days when we needed a
>piece of rag to wipe off the blood of our swords...
>Most men are Right handed so most stripes on ties are diagional lowest on
>the right hand side (The same way blood smears would be)
>So the reason we still wear ties... Because we're lost in the past!

As re the Duh subbie?  ;>

Plagurism can be fun... until you quote to the quoter ;>  hehehehe


HUMOURMsg # 622 of 622                 Date: Fri 25/06/1999, 12:44 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 2 times

     To: All
Subject: Quotable quote :>

"We speak English; we hold a world sporting championship where we invite
other countries to participate; and when we greet our Head of State we are
only required to go down on *one* knee."

-John Cleese's three reasons why England is superior to the US.

Ta for that... There's so bloody much in there I can reread them all each year and still have a giggle.

...or it may be alzheimers and I just can't remember them.

Yeah.. probably the latter.


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