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Humour for the Streets!
HUMOURMsg # 168 of 622                 Date: Tue  6/06/1995,  5:02 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: Bad Day Text :>


 * You wake up face down on the pavement.

 * You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

 * You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

 * You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

 * Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

 * You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
   there aren't any.

 * You turn on the news and they are showing emergency routes out of the

 * Your twin sister/brother forgot your birthday.

 * You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realise that you
   don't have a waterbed.

 * Your cars horn goes off accidently and remains stuck on as you follow a
   group of Hell's Angels on the motorway.

 * Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

 * The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

 * You wake up and your braces are locked together.

 * You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of ya pantyhose

 * Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

 * You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

 * Your wife says, "good morning, Bill" and your name is George.


HUMOURMsg # 169 of 622                 Date: Tue  6/06/1995,  5:04 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: Blonde Jokes, best of the Best

Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
A:   Alone.

Q:   How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A:   Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q:   How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A:   Tell her she's pregnant.

Q:   What will she ask you?
A:   "Is it mine?"

Q:   A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A:   Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q:   Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A:   They have to pull their own pants down.

Q:   Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A:   It's too hard to re-train them.

Q:   Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice for 2 hours?
A:   Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A:   One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

Q:   How does a blonde get pregnant?
A:   And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q:   What does a blond say during a porno?
A:   There I am!!

Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
A:   You don't. They're born that way.

Q:   What's brown and red and black and blue?
A:   A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q:   What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A:   You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.

Q:   What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
A:   The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says "Are you
     done already?" The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling

Q:   What's the difference between a blond having her period and a
A:   You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q:   What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A:   Lipstick.

Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A:   You can park in the handicap zone.

Q:   Why do men like blonde jokes??
A:   Because they can understand them.

Q:   Why do blondes like lightning?
A:   They think someone is taking their picture.

Q:   Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A:   From eating with forks.

Q:   Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A:   They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q:   What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A:   Bobbing for Bimbos.

Q:   What do you call a smart blond?
A:   A golden retriever.

Q:   Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A:   They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q:   Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A:   Because she loved children.

Q:   Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A:   A blond electrician


A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just
don't remember who with.


Did you hear about the blonde who:

took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?


Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!


Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said
"Oh, look at the deer tracks."  The other blonde looks and says "Those
arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."  "No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both
killed by a train.


A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice
safe sex).  She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."


Another blonde, another store.  She goes over to the deodorant display and
tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use
the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for
under his arms."


After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he
had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish
his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before
drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it
in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I
always wondered how you refilled those."


A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."


                Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small table
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa

HUMOURMsg # 170 of 622                 Date: Sun 25/06/1995,  8:10 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: Whatever happened to the 7 dwarfs?

 T H E   S E V E N   D W A R V E S :   W H E R E   A R E   T H E Y   N O W ?

  It was a one shot success, an animated feature length cartoon!  What was
old Walt thinking of.  Test audiences hated the previews - Disney had
already sunk thousands into the project and the creditors were moving in.
Under the working title of "Snow White and the lone tall guy in the
Forest", it was a dead loss.  Something had to be done.

  The solution came from a simple clerk in the casting department.  He
changed the whole plot and introduced a set of out of work amateurs.
Released as "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves", it was an immediate
success.  The rest is, as they say, is history.

  But is it?  What happened to those seven fellows?  No-one knows.  Until

  Weeks of investigation has unearthed the truth.  What happened to each of
the stars since their unexpected fame & fortune.  Well, the truth isn't 
always easy to accept.  The sad decline of these unfortunate individuals
may upset some of the younger readers.

                D O C

  His real name was Dr. Ernest Jones, a famous gynecologist with a high
five figure salary.  Being a dwarf was initially a novelty with his
patients as his size allowed them to remain standing during examinations.
He became intensely unhappy with his job when an incompetency case came to
hearing.  It was alleged that he left a surgical instrument inside one of
his patients.  This was undetected for three months until the woman's
husband "injured himself" on said instrument. The couple sued for $140,000
but Dr. Jones got off claiming the instrument was planted.

  It was then when he decide to take up part-time acting.  Moving from
cheap "short joke" commercials to "speechless barbarians pet" in low budget
adventure movies was all Ernest was able to achieve.  He thought the part 
in animated film was a lucky break.  How wrong he was.

  The deadline for filming played on Doc's mind more than any other member
of the cast.  He would walk off the set during a take, in a daze, mumbling
about getting a new set of leg clamps for the operating room.  It all came
to a sad conclusion when on the last day of filming, during the final
sequence where Snow White is lying unconscious waiting for the prince, Doc
flipped out and proceeded to perform a complete gynecological check-up on
Snow White.  The story was covered up as not to harm the films sales image.

  Things turned from bad to worse.  His original profession wouldn't allow
back into the fold as it were plus his acting days were over due to a 
strange nervous ailment which affected him whenever he was on a set.  Doc 
toured America performing illegal abortions for high paying civilians.  
They were literally back-street operations usually taking place in darkened
alleys.  He was quite well-known on the circuit for his abortion 
"while-U-wait" techniques.  He has since disappeared.

            B A S H F U L

  Robby Sillcitoni was one of the greatest miniature Italian actors that
ever lived.  His rendition of Julius Caesar had the audiences standing in
their seats.  Usually because the scenery tended to obscure small Robby but
also because of his amazing talent of getting into character.  After one
performance, he was so into character that upon leaving the theatre, he was
stabbed several times and still managed to recall the death scene before
slipping into coma.

  His obsessive nature with the characters he portrayed caused him severe
psychological problems.  He would have incredible bouts of violence and 
strike out at all around.  The resulting consequences of his actions proved
invaluable as research material in some of his greatest film roles.  Such 
classics as "Oh Shit, here comes the Cops", "I'm locked up and there is a 
strange man stroking my bottom" and "I think I'm beginning to enjoy this". 
Therapy did nothing for poor Robby until it was suggested he try a 
character with a less sadistic nature.  The role of Bashful seemed to be
ideal for Robby's needs.  He played it wonderfully.

  After several weeks of filming, the accounting department reported that
some staff were not collecting their pay checks at the end of the week.
Upon further investigation, it was discovered that around a fifth of the
staff working on the film had disappeared.  The Cops were called in and
Robby was taken away on charges of murder for 28 people.

  This was a near death experience for the jinxed film.  The judges refused
bail so all the scenes with Bashful in them had to be filmed in a heavily 
disguised prison cell.  If you look closely at the last few scenes of the 
film you can just make out the how the primitive special effects staff 
masked out the chains.  Robby was given the death sentence three days 
before the opening of the film so he never knew how well it did.  In his 
last moments, on the electric chair, Robby began quoting lines from Macbeth
only to forget the dialogue half way through a speech.  He died failing his
last major role.

             S N E E Z Y

  No one had ever heard of Alex Lymar until around five years before
filming.  Trying to track down his birth-date or hometown proved futile. He
remained quite a mystery throughout the investigation, a mystery man. Until
we realized that is what we were doing wrong.  Assuming that Alex was
originally a mystery man.  In fact, after following up the last lead we
discovered his real name was Alice Lymar, a ugly, short cow-girl from the
state of Texas.

  Alice began life very well, coming from a rich ranching family.  The need
to rebel and turn against the values taught by her parents forced her to 
run away to New York and become an under-age prostitute.  But the cards 
were stacked against on this count.  Not only was she short but she was 
also incredibly ugly and so could only attract a special kind of pervert.
  The major turning point in her life wasn't until Alice spotted a ad in a
personal column.  It read "Not a Lady.  Call 555-3443. Surgical solution!".
Believing this to be a face lift operation of some kind, she applied.  It
was only after the painful operation and three months in bandages that she
realized her terrible mistake.  She thought the "Not a Lady" term was a
question and not a suggestion.  Yup, She was now a He.

  The only real thing Alice/Alex regretted about the move (as now he looked
decidedly better) was that the surgeon never bolted on a few extra feet in
height.  Returning to the toy boy situation proved too much for Alex as he
still had a distinct loathing for sleeping with rich, elderly sex starved

  It was an old film actress that put Alex onto the Disney casting.
Avoiding mentioning the operation, Alex completed an audition and got the 
part.  As Sneezy, Alex was required to fake sneezes ninety or so times a 
day.  Around three weeks into filming Alex began to notice his nose 
slipping down his face.  For the rest of the film Sneezy can be seen 
rubbing his nose, trying to prop it up or flicking back his head.

  On the last day of filming, Sneezy was found in bed with the Prince.  He
claimed he still couldn't get used to sleeping with women, men was area he
had already covered.  Familiar ground as it were.  The Prince said he loved
Sneezy, she felt like putty in his hands (which, with the state of the
declining sex change wasn't far from the truth.).

  Sneezy is still in intensive care, strapped into a bed - a puddle of
slipping skin giving off the odd nasal explosion.


              H A P P Y

  Lou Gushman was a sad individual.  Something intrinsic in him caused him
always to look on the bright side of life.  Even something as tragic as a 
multiple car pile-up killing 20 would always have some sort of silver 
lining seeping out along with the pool of blood.  "Well, at least there
will be less traffic congestion to worry about, Just think of the insurance
claims the relatives will be able to make" or "I'm sure their last moments
was the most exciting in their lives".

  Lou made friends very easily and trusted everyone.  This made him very
easy prey for the more corrupt of society outcasts.  Thieves would rip him
off for all the money he had then find themselves coming back a couple of
days later to return it.  Stealing money from the stupid played heavily on
the conscience.  Stealing from the stupid and having them thank you feels
like a ticket straight to hell.

  He moved from job to job without any real commitment ("something will
always come along").  He enjoyed his work, not understanding why he got 
fired each time when he was so friendly.  Jobs such as Telephone Operator, 
Bank Desk Clerk and Clown.  The clown job lasted longer than any of the 
others but even that had to stop, complaints that the children were getting
nauseous from his attitude.

  He only managed to get the job as Happy when a passer by, who he had
asked for the time, became violent and threw him through the door of the
casting agency.  The people inside thought he had come in character and
gave him the part on the spot.

  Filming went well for several weeks but Lou's happy attitude wore thin on
peoples nerves.  To start with people would avoid him.  They then began to
ignore him.  He thought they simply didn't want to distract him from his
role.  Then, after three months, people would simply react violently.  This
is believed to be the main reason why happy hardly ever appears later in
the film.  Lou spent a lot of time in hospital recovering for broken bones
and wounds.

  The filming ended just as people began bringing firearms into work with
them.  While picking up his final pay-check, he narrowly avoided a shotgun 
round to the head.

  Mr. Gushman followed a short career in acting though illness and
accidents dogged his every move.  He then changed to advertising consultant
for children's confectionery.  He made thousands convincing kids that they
should by a product that rots teeth, make you obeys and causes acne.  His
master stroke was the patenting of the term "Have a Nice Day!".  He was
killed in 1983.  Four thousand individuals happily confessed to the crime.


              D O P E Y

  Raz Poulby was a drug addict.  He used to lose vast areas of his life
through hallucinogenically aided blackouts.  It was said that one day Raz
was riding his push bike through a rough area of town, aged 12.  The next 
thing he knew, he was shacked up with some out of work showgirl called 
Binky, aged 23.  His outlook was that life was much easier to get through 
when lived in one week every year chunks.  What Raz did during these yearly
blackouts was a complete mystery to Raz although he suspected his low-life 
friends took advantage of him. It was finding pictures of himself naked
with a goat in the special edition of "Sex Puppet" that convinced him.
He'd had always wanted to do something about his problem but usually on the
way to a drug rehabilitation clinic he would run into a few of he doped out
friends with the same idea.  After a few minutes reminiscing about the good
old days (or hat they could remember about them) they'd decided to blow the
joint, in preference for one of Raz's famous cocktail joint's.

  Raz would put anything he could get his hands on into one.  Every time 
one of his black-out wore off there would be a news drug on the market for 
him to experience.  They usually were the main ingredients in the roll.
  If was after one of these mind-enhancing home-mades that Raz got the part
of Dopey in Snow White.  The exact details how aren't clear and why also is
anybodies guess.  All in all, Raz did a good job even though he wasn't 
aware of it.
  He floated through the days like a tortoise with a frontal lobotomy.  
People didn't notice he was on a 8 month high at all.  I mean, sure, he'd
hold conversations with cats, play an imaginary oboe and even spend weeks 
walking around on his hands but hell, actors are generally considered to be
  Filming was finally over and Raz wandered off.  Three weeks later he 
finally made it to the Drug rehab' clinic and came through his addiction.  
In a cinema a few days later he saw where the last eight months of his life
had gone.  That is where he'd had his head shaved.  It all came back to 
him.  The people had Disney had stopped paying him after the second week of
filming as he didn't seem too interested, anyway when they did convince him
to accept a cheque, he would only eat it.  Raz was pissed off, skint too so
he filed a lawsuit for unpaid labor while under the influence of a variety 
of illegal contraband.  He won and received a welcome $380,000.
  Raz had a relapse and spent most of his money putting together a 
stockpile of drugs. He is currently having a 14 year flashback.

  And That is the whole seedy story.  Fame had corrupted seven perfectly
ordinary under-tall people and turned them into sad shells of their 
previous lives.  Disney turned his back on them, people soon forgot about 

HUMOURMsg # 171 of 622                 Date: Sun 25/06/1995,  8:12 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes

        A rabbi and a minister were at the neighborhood picnic.   As they
rode in one of the boats on the lake, the rabbi stood up, stepped out of
the boat, and walked over the water to the nearest stretch of land.
Astonished, the minister decided to see if he could duplicate this
miraculous feat.  He stepped out of the boat and sank.  But he managed to
swim ashore.   As he started to dry himself off, the rabbi walked over and
said, "If you're a nice guy, next time I'll show you where the rocks are!"


I am a member of a group that reenacts the Civil War, serving in the
Artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and they always get a
lot of attention from the public.

Over Memorial Day, a self-appointed Animal Rights-type came over to our
"Master of Horse" and started proclaiming:

"Listen here!  I was raised around horses, I *know* horses, and you are
mistreating that one there!  That horse is obviously pregnant, and should
not be forced to pull loads."

About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate.  One of the
guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade, called out:

"My god!  It's water's broke and there's a leg coming out!"

The woman left quickly and quietly.


This girl with huge hooters goes in for a job interview for a company with
an office on the 40th floor of a  skyscraper... so, she goes up to the
secretary and  introduces herself, and the secretary tells her to go wait 
over by the windows, she will be seen shortly.

So, she goes over by the windows and is awestruck by how high up they are..
she leans her head out the window so she can see better. She looks around
for a few minutes, and then the secretary  abruptly calls her name.  Well,
gravity takes hold when she  gets startled and she falls out the window.

As she is falling, she's yelling "help... help... I'll do anything... just
help me!!!"

All of a sudden, from out of the windows of the 35th floor, someone catches
her... she tells him... "I'll do anything  if you'll just pull me in..."

He says "Will you give me a blowjob?"  She answers back "No!  I would never
do that!"  So, he drops her.

She falls again, screaming all along "Help me!  Help!  I'll do anything if
you'll just help me!"

Around the 30th floor, someone else catches her... "Help me... I'll do
anything for you!"  He says "Will you let me pump you?"  She says "No!  I'd
never do that!"  He lets her  go...

"Help me!  Help!  I'll do anything if you'll just help me!"

Around the 25th floor, someone else catches her... "Okay... I'll do
anything if you'll just help me... I'll give you a  blowjob, I'll let you
pump me... just help me!!!"  He says  "Slut...."  and lets her go.


                 Father Murphy's Fund Raising Problems

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish.

He asked for suggestions as to how to raise money for his church. He was
told that horse owners had money.  So he went to a horse auction.  But he
made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.

However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey
came in third and the next morning the headlines in the local paper read:
Father Murphy's Ass Shows

The archbishop saw the paper and was very displeased.  The next day the
donkey came in first and the headlines read: Father Murphy's Ass Out in

The archbishop was up in arms and figured something had to be done. Father
Murphy entered the donkey for the third time, and it came in second.  Now
the headlines read: Father Murphy's Ass Back in Place

The archbishop thought this was too much, so he forbade the priest to enter
the donkey the next day, which inspired the editor to write: Archbishop
Scratches Father Murphy's Ass

When the archbishop read this, he ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the
donkey.  He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a
pet.  Now the headlines read: Nun Owns Best Ass in Town

The archbishop read this and he immediately ordered Sister Agatha to
dispose of the animal.  She sold it for ten dollars.  The next day the
headlines read: Sister Agatha Peddles Her Ass for Ten Dollars

They buried the archbishop three days later.


    Little Johnny is sitting in school in Oklahoma on a reservation. It is
the last day of school and the teacher says I will ask questions and when
you give me the right answer you can go home.

    The first question was who was the first president of the US John knows
and raises his hand but the teacher calls on a little indian girl.  She
says George Washington and goes home.

    All day long Johnny knows the answers but the teacher keeps calling on
the Indian children.  Finally the teacher asks who is the current president
of the US and Johnny raises his hand.
    Again the teacher calls upon an Indian child and John yells out: "Where
did all these damn indians come from?"
The teacher said: "Who said that?" Johnny said:"General Custer at Little
Big Horn and I'm going home"


     Eddie, a construction worker, came home early one day as it was
raining too hard to work.  As he walked into his apartment, he noticed the
shades drawn and, when his eyes got used to the dim light, saw his best
friend, Jim, lying on the couch naked.

     Looking in the bedroom, Eddie saw his wife in the well-messed up bed -
also naked.  Eddie put two and two together and quickly came to the
conclusion Jim and his missus had something going.

     Without waking either of the two lovebirds, he walked back down the
four flights of stairs.

     Jim woke up a few minutes later with this pain in his chest. When he
was fully awake, he saw there was a manhole cover resting on his chest.  He
grabbed the cast iron weight, walked to the open window and heaved the
manhole cover out.  Just as he let go of the object, he saw a note tied to
the manhole cover that said "You now have two seconds to undo the wire from
your balls".


  Little Johnny brought to school a box wrapped with a red ribbon as a
present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was
inside.   "Chocolates?" she asked.
  "A cake?"
  Johnny shook his head no.
  Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box.
She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then
said, "Ah, I know__dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said. "It's a puppy."


                        THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans.  He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him.  One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it
was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go
for carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans, and shortly after they got married.

Some months later, on the way home from work his car broke down.  Since
they lived in the country he called his wife and told her he would be late
because he had to walk.  On his way home he passed a small cafe and the
odor of baked beans overwhelmed him.  Since he still had several miles to
walk he figured that he could work off any ill after effects before he got
home.  So he stopped, and before leaving he had three extra large helpings
of baked beans.

All the way home he putted.  He putt putted down the hill and putt putted
up the next, and after arriving at home, he felt reasonably safe.  His wife
met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.  She exclaimed "Darling, I
have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"  She blind-
folded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table.  Just as she
was ready to remove the blindfold the phone rang.  She made him promise not
to peek until she returned, and went to answer the phone.

When she was gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg
and let go.  It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.  He had a
hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and fanned the air about him. He
just started feeling better when he felt another urge.  He raised his leg
and rip.  It sounded like a straight pipe hot rod and smelled so bad he
gagged.  He fanned until his arms ached.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming,
so he shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.  This was a price
winner!  The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead.  While keeping an ear tuned in on
the conversation in the hallway he carried on like this for the next 15 to
20 minutes, farting and fanning with his napkin.  When the phone farewells
indicated the end of his loneliness and freedom, he neatly laid his napkin
in his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for talking so long she asked if he had peeked.  After assuring
her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, and to his surprise there
were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a surprise birthday
party for him!


                   A Mismatched Pair of Gloves

.... Ken wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful
consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his
sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of
white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.  During
the wrapping, the items got mixed up.  The sister got the gloves, and the
sweetheart got the  panties.  Without checking the contents, the man sealed
the package and sent it to her with this note...

Dearest Darling,

     This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in  the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger
sister's advice, I would have  chosen the long ones with the buttons, but
she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove.  These are a
delicate shade,  but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had
been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled.  I had the 
sales girl try them on, and she really looked smart.  I wish I  could put
them on you for the first time.  No doubt that other men's hands will come
in contact with them before I have a chance to  see you again.  When you
take them off, blow in them before  putting them away as they will
naturally be a little damp from  wearing.  Be sure to keep them on when you
clean them, or they might shrink.  I hope you will like them, and will wear
them for me on Friday night!

                         All my love....

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with  the fur showing.



              A RICH MAN

  I saw one of my old friends from college at lunchtime in a Brighton pub.
He had a BMW outside in the car park, car phone, the works.  I decided to 
find out how he had suddenly become so wealthy.

  Apparently he has a 5 bedroom house in a sizeable piece of land out in
the country.  He reckons he's got so much money he won't need to work in
the near future.

  So how did he do it you may ask?  At first he didn't recognize me but as
soon as he had, he bought me a drink, paid for my lunch and we chatted
happily about our poverty-stricken student days.

  He had left college with no money and made all his money in just 4 years.
I released I was face to face with a dynamic self-starting self-made
go-getter and I had to get his secret.

  Apparently he just bought some wood and made a few of those rustic bird
tables one sees for sale outside pet shops or garden shops.  He went round 
Brighton and convinced a few shop keepers to take them on a sale or return 

  They were quite a hit at the time and from the profit he was able to buy
a load more wood and make several more.  He ventured further afield to
other towns and soon could afford a little van for deliveries.  He was
careful always to re-invest the profits in more materials so he bought more
wood.  Then one day, quite unexpectedly, he received a phone call that was
to change his life.  He had won the pools.  "Stuff the birdtables", he


        Count Dracula developed a taste for Italian women and began bringing
them home to his castle and after a fine evening, sucked all their blood
from their bodies and dumped them out of the window into the moat. After
several weeks of this the Count noticed that they made no splash when
they hit the moat - so the next night he carefully held the body out the
window and watched as it plummeted to the water. As it neared the moat, a
huge alligator opened his mouth and swallowed the girl's body whole.

     "So that's what was happening," the Count mumbled  as he walked away
from the window. Suddenly he heard singing from below and came  back and
looking down at the smiling alligator heard it singing at the top of its

"Drained Wops
keeping falling on my head..."


A genius scientist designed the ultimate robot:  one could determine its
I.Q. by moving a level up and down on its chest.

To demonstrate to his colleagues, he set the lever to an I.Q. of 220.
Immediately the robot responded with "I have an I.Q. of 220, and understand
all laws of theoretical physics in the universe, both known and unknown to

The scientist then moved the lever to an I.Q. setting of 100. The robot
said "I am just a simple robot with average human intelligence."

To further demonstrate, the scientist moved the lever down to 60. The robot
stuttered, "bleh, gumpf,  I.....I.....I are a r-r-r-r-robot."

Next, the scientist moved the lever to an I.Q. of 20.  The robot sputtered,
gxdkj, fudmp, gurk...www,  xious Yiiiii ammmmmm rbut."

Finally, the scientist moved the lever to an I.Q. of 5. Immediately the
robot snapped to attention and said clearly and briskly, "She'll be right,
HUMOURMsg # 172 of 622                 Date: Sun 25/06/1995,  8:17 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 22 times

     To: All
Subject: Condoms.txt

                                BANANA REPUBLIC.


It wasn't long ago that condoms were strictly an under-the-counter item and
buying them was a clandestine act that had much in common with a transaction
between a Secret Service agent and his informant. The sexual revolution
de-mystified the atmosphere to the extent that ads for condoms started to
appear in magazines; and now we've reached the point where ads for them are
being shown on television.

Apparently the condom, like its spiritual cousin, the balloon, is here to

In the meantime, technology is making possible new varieties of condoms that
realise all the potential of the medium. The following is a consumers guide,
so to speak, to possible new concepts.

CHICS: The ultimate designer condom, they were designed by the same people
who created Designer Genes, an ultra stylish artificial insemination service
offering its clientele insemination with the sperm of MENSA members and
aristocratic luminaries. Chics are individually tailored and require a
preliminary fitting by a licensed sexologist, a trampoline repairman, and an
ex-dishabille editor of the Gentlemans Quarterly. They are made of the same
kind of rubber used in the windshield wipers of Lamborghinis and are Perrier
water-tested. A former Royal Astronomer once remarked that Chics were the
only condoms one might consider reliable for use during a cyclone on a heavy
gravity planet. They come in 5 designer colours: Flesh, Madder Purple,
Midas Gold, Steel Blue, and Apres Moi Le D'rouge.

CONTRA CEPTIVES: A favourite among Nicaraguan counter-revolutionaries,
Contra Ceptives are a rugged, highly resilient condom that can take a
beating and still keep coming back for more. Made from the same kind of
rubber used in Sicilian rubber bands, they can be reused by the skillful
user and can be returned to some Nicaraguan druggists after use for a
refund of 12-14 centavos. They are lubricated with cosmoline and come in
two colours - Olive Drab and Camouflage.

McRUBBERS: McRubbers are the most popular of the growing number of fast fuck
condoms being marketed. Some users claim that they are as efficient and
enjoyable as any of the more trendy products, and others say that they seem
 to have been made from the curds of synthetic rubber that rose to the top
of the vat after the washing process and lubricated with 3-in-1 oil. They
come in two sizes - regular and quarter-pounder, and are best used when
accompanied with French Fries on the side.

KLEIN CONDOMS - Modelled after the Klein bottle by a sexologist / topologist
doing a study on transpatial invagination, Kleins are only for the most
adventurous condom wearer since it is almost as difficult to get one off as
it is to get one on (doing either has been compared to solving Rubik's
cube). Since they are one sided, however, some theorize that they must be
totally impermeable and therefore the most effective condoms. Each packet
comes with an instruction booklet that is, unfortunately, 58 pages long.

VISIGOTHS: Nine out of ten militant feminists and Christian fundamentalists
prefer Visigoths, probably because their surface roughly approximates the
texture of Naughahyde, thereby felicitating the idea that sex is unpleasant
and/or exploitative. Visigoths are also a favourite of masochists or of both
sexes to whom pain is indistinguishable from pleasure. Made from the
membrane from the haemorrhoids of the Tasmanian devil, Visigoths are
water-tested using chemically polluted river water, pickled in brine and
smoke-dried like salmon, and lubricated with industrial shellac. They are
treated with a spermicidal substance, MXG, that is 100 per cent effective
but during intercourse sometimes causes the uretha to emit a sound like
ballast shifting in the hold of a freighter during a storm. If they aren't
put on properly they sometimes have to be surgically removed.

TEX TILES: Tex Tiles, available only under the counter in certain drug
stores in Texas, were designed by a wealthy Texas bigot who wanted to keep
Texans from procreating with non-Texans of any kind. They are made from
rubber plants grown on secret plantations somewhere in North Texas and
lubricated with Texas oil.

FLUBBERS: Flubbers were made for the chronic joker, the kind of man who is
just as concerned with striking funny poses and getting a woman to laugh at
the way his penis looks sheathed in rubber as he is about the contraceptive
or disease-prevention uses of a condom. They were designed by the
Johnson-Smith brothers, the same adult novelty entrepreneurs who invented
the fake semen blot and joy buzzer-vibrator (Which delivers a mild electric
shock to the unwitting victims vulva). Flubbers feature reservoir tips
molded in the likeness of six different comedians.

MAGNUMS: Magnums were designed for the kind of men who would feel perfectly
comfortable standing beside Big John Holmes at a urinal. They come in 3
sizes - Magnum, Maxi-Magnum, and Magnum-come-laude - The smallest of which
would easily accommodate a Louisville Slugger (The bat, not the player).
Magnums are made of a super-durable kind of rubber accidentally developed
by a scientist at Fitzwilliam doing research on the tensile strength of
tyres on pickup trucks being driven over railroad beds. Each one is
embellished with a stamped emblem of a champagne bottle crossed with a .44
calibre handgun.

JANUS: Janus were designed for the discriminating fickle and indecisive
user. They contain a small pull tab that can be pulled to operate a
filter-tip through which the semen can be released. This feature allows the
suddenly repentant catholic or merely uncertain user to reverse their
decision about the use of a condom at any moment during intercourse. The
uconcept gives carte- blanche to sophisticated ambivalence and adds a
stimulating element of chance to the sex act. Janus comes in 5 colours -
Black Magic, Hollywood Sunset, Top Banana, Swedish Blue, and Barber Pole.

AD LUBES: Ad Lubes were intended for use (or merely possession) by the kind
of men who have never worn a condom but might decide spontaneously that its
time to give one a try. They are packaged in a highly durable foil designed
to last for several years in a wallet without breaking open. Made of a
membrane from male chauvinist pigs and coated with a flavoured lubricant
designed to enhance fellation, they are available in three colours
(Gunmetal, Infrared, and Tawny) and two flavours (Shish Kebab and Plum

JOHNNIE COME LATELY?: the only real flop in the condom world. Given away to
over indulgers in alcohol of the brewer's droop variety, the limp idea was
described as 'free sheaths to the wind'

HUMOURMsg # 173 of 622                 Date: Sun 25/06/1995,  8:21 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 18 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes...

                  TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY  (INC)
                    6969 Slippery Root Drive
                     DROPTROUSERS NC 22269
                          PHONE 0410E

 17 MAY 1990

  Dear Mr Sir,

 We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and
represent our product, Trogan Condoms

 Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
Directors are of the opinion that your wearing of our product in the advert-
isement does not portray a positive,romantic image for our product.A loose,
baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered very romantic.

 We do admire your efforts to firm it up by using "Poly-Grip",but even then
 it lipped off before we could get a photograph taken.We would like to note
however,that yours is the first we've seen that looks remarkably like a
bicycle grip.

 We appreciate your interest and thank you for your effort and time.We have
taken the liberty to retain your application on our files for future
consideration should we ever decide to enter the micro or mini condom

 We send our greetings to your wife and/or girlfriend/mistress,along with
our sincere commiserations and sympathy.

  Your Sincerely

     Burley Dick
   Promotion Manager

 Cover your stump before you hump.
 Don't be silly,protect your willie.
 Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
 Before you attack her,wrap your whacker.
 If you're not going to sack it,go home and Whack it.

HUMOURMsg # 174 of 622                 Date: Sun 25/06/1995,  8:23 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Not finished with the 'c's'

                    Chemical analysis of women




DISCOVERER      :  Adam

ATOMIC WEIGHT   :  Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160
                   (Mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.)

OCCURRENCE      :  Surplus quantities in all urban areas


USES            :  i)   Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
                   ii)  Most powerful money reducing agent known
                   iii) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous
                        source of frustration

PHYSICAL PROP.  :  i)   Surfaces usually covered in painted film
                   ii)  Boils at nothing and freezes without reason
                   iii) Melts if given the proper treatment
                   iv)  Bitter if used incorrectly
                   v)   Found in various states ranging from common ore to
                        virgin metal
                   vi)  Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes
                   vii) Yields to pressure applied at correct point
                   viii)In its natural state it varies considerably, but the
                        shape is often artificially changed to conform to
                        that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations
                        are only discovered by an experienced eye.
                   ix)  In some instances may start to gain weight and look
                        like they have swallowed a basketball and then
                        proceed to take on qualities of a XEROX copier and
                        start to make copies

CHEMICAL PROP.  :  i)   Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver,
                        platinum and precious stones
                   ii)  Able to absorb great quantities of expensive
                   iii) May explore spontaneously if left alone with a
                   iv)  Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by
                        saturation in alcohol
                   v)   Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed
                        in the dark

TESTS           :  i)   Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the
                        natural state
                   ii)  Turns green if placed beside a better specimen

CAUTIONS        :  i)   Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must
                        be used with great care and patience if experiments
                        are to succeed
                   ii)  It is illegal to possess more than one permanent
                        specimen but a certain amount of exchange is
                   iii) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate
                        counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD
                        FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINITELY.
                                                                           Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element        : Man
Symbol         : Ah (short for Arsehole)
Quantitative   : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length,
                 though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer     : Eve
Occurance      : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
                 concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties : 1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH  (any alcohol).

                      2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly
                         after reaction with Wo (Snore ...  zzzzz).

                      3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses
                         reactive nature.

                      4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.

                      5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky
                         reaction with polluted form of the Wo commom ore.

Chemical properties : 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no
                         further reaction is possible.

                      2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period
                         under extremely favorable conditions.

                      3) Usually willing to react with what ever is

                      4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to
                         Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the
                         specimen bright red.

                      5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm
                         and wet to violent/bloody.

Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,
          25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses    : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,
          free dinners for Wo...

Tests   : Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
          specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
          reaction to a particular Wo specimen.  Otherwise very maleable
          under correct conditions.

HUMOURMsg # 175 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:25 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 20 times

     To: ALL
Subject: Dear Wife...

To my dear wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I have
succeeded only 36 times which is an average of once every ten days.  The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more:

We will wake the children                             17 times
It's too late                                         15 times
I'm too tired                                         5 times
It's too early                                        52 times
It's too hot                                          15 times
Pretending to be asleep                               49 times
The neighbours will hear us                           9 times
Backache                                              2 times
Headache                                              26 times
Sunburn                                               10 times
Your mother will hear us                              5 times
Not in the mood                                       21 times
You will wake the baby                                17 times
Watching the late show                                7 times
Too sore                                              9 times
New hairdo                                            6 times
Wrong time of the month                               14 times
You had to go to the toilet                           19 times

Of the thirty-six times I did succeed the activity was not entirely
satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me
there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it
over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once
I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To my dear husband

I think you have gotten things a little confused.  Here are the reasons you
did not get more than you did:

Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat             7 times
Did not come home at all                              29 times
Did not cum                                           14 times
Came too soon                                         26 times
Went soft before you got it in                        18 times
Toes in a cramp                                       9 times
Working too late                                      51 times
You had a rash, probably from the toilet seat         21 times
In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls           4 times
Caught it in your zipper                              8 times
Caugt a cold, your nose kept dripping                 14 times
Brewers droop, just add alcohol                       95 times
Your tea was too hot, burned your tongue              8 times
Lost the notion after thinking about it all day       13 times
Came in your PJ's after reading a dirty book          17 times

Of the times we did it together, the reason I lay still was because you
missed and were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling; what I was saying was would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?

HUMOURMsg # 176 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:26 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 22 times

     To: All
Subject: Distaster

Disaster Recovery - Training Questionnaire

        Everyone has suffered calamity at some time during their lives. The
unexpected can occur at the most unfortunate moment, and usually does. One
minute serenity, the next catastrophe. What would be your reaction ? Would
it be lacking tact ?  Would your refined sense of diplomacy desert you ?
Would you end up a snivelling mess ?

        Following are several possible disaster scenarios accompanied by
probable situations. Study each scenario carefully, then master them, for
no matter what unexpected tragedy befalls you in the future your savoir-
faire must never desert you, and your manner must at all times remain


        You are the world's fattest woman. You've travelled extensivly
throughout the world, presenting yourself as the epitome of New Zealand
Womanhood. In the last New Year's Honours List you were graced with the
Order of New Zealand for services to the Arts. The Flying Tigers have
delivered you to London because you've accepted an invitation to Buckingham
Palace where you will be invested with your Honour.

        With much pomp and ceremony you are ushered into an anteroom where
you pay last minute attention to the detail of your appearance. Here, you
queue with the other recipients waiting to enter the Great Hall.

        Your name is finally announced. Not without trepidation, you begin
to waddle down the red carpet to the far end of the Great Hall, where Her
Majesty is waiting. You are aware of the many eyes watching your every move
and you bristle with dignity as you continue your stately procession to the
Royal Throne.

        Her Majesty smiles sweetly as you are introduced. You perform a low
but difficult curtsy, overbalance, topple precariously and land on
Frogmorton, Her Majestys' favourite corgi, squashing it flat beneath you.
Do you:

        a) Roll around on Frogmorton till you've ironed out all the lumps,
then graciously present him to the Queen, at the same time as suggesting
that she use him to replace that tacky ermine collar on her robe ?

        b) Feign epilepsy to disguise your embarassment and continue
leaping on all other visible corgis, thus presenting to Her Majesty the
option of using matching doormats at all palace entrances ?

        c) Glance around at the horrified expressions on the faces of the
other recipients and attendant guests, roll off Frogmorton, thrust your
hand up his distended rear passage, and launch into an impromptu
performance of your Fozzie Bear impression to ease the tension ?


        As a junior with Sotheby's you are working at an auction of rare
and valuable wines, the likes of which have never been on sale together
before. Millonaire connoisseurs from all over the globe have congregated for
a fierce battle, bidding has been intense.

        It is time to auction the very last bottle, the most treasured wine
in the whole collection: an 1806 Chateau Lafite. It is expected to fetch in
excess of $US125,000.

        An audible gasp is heard as all eyes set on this most prized of
trophies. With extreme caution you remove the bottle from its padded
cabinet. Unfortunatly, the bottle is dusty with age, and your gloved hand
fails to grasp it properly, allowing the Chateau Lafite to slip and fall,
painfully it lingers in the air, as if in slow motion, then plummets to the
ground hitting the stone floor with a resounding PING before smashing into
thouands of pieces, spreading its ruby liquid far and wide. Do you :

        a) Get a rope, climb the autioneer's lectern, throw one end over a
rafter, tie the other end around your neck and leap off the lectern -
conveniently forgetting to tie the other end of the rope around anything ?

        b) Remove your shoes and socks, roll up your trousers to knee
height and step straight into the middle of the mess, then carefully select
one of the larger shards and slash furiously at your fermoral artery
allowing the blood to mix freely with the wine, before getting on all
fours, taking one polite lick of the fluid, staring straight at the bidders
and exclaiming, "Vinegar!"

        c) With dignified aplomb stroll straight out to the kitchen to
select a well-used Wettex, return to the showroom and carefully mop up the
Chateau Lafite - before gently squeezing it into an old Cold Duck bottom and
selling it by the glass?


        The air is clear as you pilot the Concorde on a routine flight from
London to New York.  It's just another day on the flight deck. You've
settled back to watch your controls and indulge in idle chit-chat with your
flight crew. The hostess enters the cockpit wearing a large olive hand
around her mouth. The hand belongs to a corpulent bearded male of swarthy
complexion, who wears camouflage overalls and a burnous. He bites down on a
metal object and extracts the pin from a hand grenade, which he holds
clenched in one fist.

        The intruder then impolitely order you to head for Tripoli. At that
precise moment, the Concorde shudders alarmingly as all engines fail
simultaneously and the plane lurches in a downward dive. Do you:

        a) Ask the hijacker if he has a set of rosary beads you can borrow,
be pleasant, enquire of the hijacker's family, comment on the weekend's
football results, tell him about your son's Bar Mitzvah and ask the
hijacker if he knows of a good laundry as you need one with some degree of
urgency ?

        b) Break open the champagne and gleefully congratulate the stranger
on being the airline's one millionth hijacker; remove his burnous to wipe
the bubbles from the control panel, give the stranger a kiss full on the
lips, teasingly take the grenade from him, wander into the cabin and see
who wants to play catch ?

        c) Pretend you're Helen Keller: sit there impassivly with a silly
grin on your face, when you're quite sure the hijacker's attention has been
diverted, slowly reach down and pull the leaver on your ejector seat.


        The atmosphere is hot and steamy and the going tough, but, as a
famed archaeologist, you are determined to complete your quest, searching
the jungles of Central America for long-lost Mayan cities.

        With you is Sister Mary Dominique, a devout nun of the Order Of St
Claude The Delirious, who has taken a vow to further man's knowledge of his
ancient predecessors. During the past four wretched months the rest of your
party has been defeated by malaria, dysentry, tragic accidents and rabies
due to vampire bat bites.

        Valiantly, the two of you battle on, overcoming enormous obstacles.
You are both at your lowest ebb when, by chance, you discover an overgrown
pyramid. A great stone blocks your way and it takes a week of constant
chiselling before you can prise the stone open, revealing a darkened
corridor.  With lighted torches you both enter the pitch-black passageway,
tripping and stumbling over many skeletons, avoiding booby traps and unholy
obstacles, until both of your enter a great chamber.

        In a flash the chamber erupts into a brilliant light, and before
you stands Choucan - the great bat- headed guardian of Tlonctlan's Tomb,
most evil of the Mayan Spirits. He glares at you, emerald-green eyes
blazing with hatred. Choucan wants flesh and warns you that one must be
sacrificed for the other to be granted freedom. Slowly, you turn to face a
trembling Sister Mark Dominique to decide who will survive. Do you:

        a) Quickly go for your wallet and remove photos of your family,
show the good Sister your four-year-old, bonde-haired blue-eyed twins plus
the photo of the daughter with leukemia; grandly offer yourself to Choucan,
but extract a promise from the nun that if she can avoid the slow painful,
gut-wrenching horrific death on her journey back through that unrelenting
jungle she will personally ensure that your children will get adopted out
to good, God-fearing parents; then cross your fingers and hope ?

        b) Plead with the "great and benevolent" Choucan to take you so
that be may  ease the anguish caused by those parasites which are slowly
eating through you causing so much pain inside; suggest how it would be far
more compassionate to let the fresh-looking, rosy-cheeked good Sister make
her escape - and possibly bring back a priest to exorcise Choucan - than a
poor, old, diseased you ?

        c) Tell Choucan that you're Steven Spielberg surveying locations
for your next adventure epic; inform him that you're impressed with his
performance, but that you were really looking for someone with more malice;
watch as he tries to impress you by snapping the nun in two; promise him a
contract and ask him if he can direct you to a phone so you can talk with
his agent ?


        You are a world renowned neuro-surgeon, a superstar with the
scalpel, the first person ever to perform a brain transplant. You fame has
spread far and wide yet dark secrecy surrounds your newest patient.

        A stretched limo with darkened windows collects you from your
surgery, in the dead of night, and whisks you away to a desert airfield,
where a private jet awaits you. Soon, you land on a small island where you
are met by trench-coated guards and ushered through a vault-like door that
has been hewn into the side of a mountain. Deep inside you enter an
underground operating theatre that is surrounded by shadowy figures
carrying Uzis. Your patient has already been prepared for surgery. After
many long hours of skilful work beneath the hot lights the surgery is
competed. Preliminary observations assure you that the operation has been a
complete suceess, and upon inquiry, it is revealed that your patient was
the President of the United States of America.

        Your natural humility is cast aside and you are thrilled to be
chosen to perfrom such an important task. You're hoping that the donor was
a great philosopher, an artist, perhaps a poet, or a distinguished
scientist like yourself. You wish that the President will use his new brain
to bring peace to the world and govern it wisely. It is revealed to you
that the brain came from an aged chimpanzee.

        You are stunned by the revelation but the President begins to
awaken and you know that your immediate reaction to him will be vital if
he's to cope with his new brain. Slowly, the groginess deserts him and he
begins to rouse, his eyes open and he looks to you for inspiration. Do you:

        a) Order a nice, big banana cake to celebrate the operation's
success ?

        b) Chat to him amicably, to show you are friendly, then sit on his
bed and let him snack on your head lice ?

        c) Put him in a funny clown suit and show him how to ride a
unicycle ?

        d) Inform his minders that he's ready to attend another summit ?


        For the past five years you have lived in France, studying cooking
under the world's greatest chefs. Homesickness takes its toll on you,
however, and you decide to return to New Zealand, where you are assured of

        You are offered the position of Master Chef at Le Chateau du Merde,
NZ's most prestigious restaurant. A great banquet is planned to herald your
debut - which coincides with the first official visit to NZ by the
President of France. He is a great fan of yours; the Department of Foreign
Affairs knows of the President's predilection for your fare and arranges
for your debut to be a state occasion.

        Despite your nerves you prepare an exciting, memorable feast. Your
creations are hailed by one and all. The President rises and thanks you
personally and the Prime Minister raises his glass of mineral water to
propose a toast in your honour.

        Suddenly, the guests succumb to illness. The PM spews forth across
the table, and the President reacts with typical Gallic aloofness to let go
all over the Prime Minister. Others are far more surreptitious with their
illness, and the ladies try to hoick demurely into their kerchiefs.  With
great haste you rush to your kitchen to discover the cause of the sickness.
Beside your stock pot you discover a phial full of radioactive isotopes
that was dropped by a member of the French Secret Service, who'd only
recently returned from duty at Mururoa. Aghast, you realize that you've
mistaken the isotopes for cinnamon sticks. Back in the dining room your
patrons are sliding quickly into oblivion. Do you:

        a) Move all the bodies to the centre of the room, string them up to
your giant chandelier in such a way that they're just touching, tie empty
Moet et Chandon bottles to their limbs, move the portable air conditioner
so that it's facing them, switch it onto full and enjoy your new windchime ?

        b) Be patient and wait for them to glow a bit more, then stack them
against the wall in artistic poses to form a lighted mural?

        c) Quickly tidy the restaurant and hold a special Rev Jim Jones
Guyana Tragedy Theme night?


For every A answer award yourself 1 point, for every B, 2 points, and for
every C award yourself 3 points.


Score 6 to 9: Wimp! Knit yourself a cocoon and go into permanent

Score 10 to 15: Courageous, but still a softie. Superglue your fly shut
before you go outside, as you won't cope if caught unprepared.

Score 16 to 18: Bravo! You are truly in command of any situation. Compared
to you Rambo is Bambi!

HUMOURMsg # 177 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:37 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: The 'F' Word :>

               Essay on the versatility of the F-word


Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language is the word "Fuck".  It is the one magical word, which, just by
it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.  In language, "Fuck"
falls into many grammatical categories.  It can be used as a verb, both
transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb
(Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a
terrific fuck).  It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking
beautiful).  As you see, there are very few words with the versitility of

Besides It's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:

  Greetings....................................."How the fuck are you?"
  Fraud..............................."I got fucked by the car dealer."
  Dismay................................................."Oh, fuck it."
  Trouble..............................."Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."
  Aggression................................................"Fuck you."
  Disgust...................................................."Fuck me."
  Confusion........................................."What the fuck...?"
  Difficulty................"I don't understand this fucking business."
  Despair..............................................."Fucked again."
  Incompetence..................................."He's such a fuck-up."
  Displeasure........................."What the fuck is going on here?"
  Lost........................................."Where the fuck are we?"
  Retaliation...................................."Up your fucking ass."

It can be used in an anatomical description - He's a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time - It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business - How did I end up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker".

And never forget General Custer's last words: "Where did all them fucking
Indians come from?"   Also, the famous last words of the mayor of
Hiroshima: "What the fuck was that?"  And last but not least, the immortal
words of the Captain of the Titanic, who said "Where is all this fucking
water coming from?"  The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of
the word!  Use it regularly in you daily speech: It will add to your

                Today.............Say to some one,

                          FUCK YOU!

There's one I can add:
  Directions................................................"Fuck off!"

HUMOURMsg # 178 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:38 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: It's not a good sign when...

It Never a Good Sign When....,,

...People in the car next to you are honking and pointing.

...You're the only one in line to see a movie - on saturday night.

...There're three times the normal number of people waitng at your bus stop.

...After a few hours of work the plumber asks to use the phone to call the

...Your dry cleaner asks you "What did, ahh , Does it look like"

...Your older brother is treating you "nice".

...A friend tells you to "sit down" before he tells you something

...Your doctor asks to speak to the immediate family out in the
   hall way after your check up.

HUMOURMsg # 179 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:38 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: How to be a HOON!

Wellington Hoon's Road Code

 1. Don't wait for anyone or anything. Drive at maximum speed in the outside
    lane until your exit is 100 metres away. Plunge wildly across three or
    four lanes and make obscene gestures to anyone in your way.

    Don't worry about possible contact with other cars, your bullbars will
    protect you.

    Pass on the left when other drivers' exits are approaching. Pull
    alongside slow drivers and scream obscenities through their open window.

    Don't worry to look where you're driving, your mates will hold the
    steering wheel for you and suggest new words you can use.

 2. Ignore any moving object smaller than your car. The HQ Holden is only
    worth $500 (and most other cars will just bounce off, anyway). Laugh at
    anyone asking if you have third party insurance. Tell them they can't
    get blood from a stone.

 3. Look for gaps in the traffic ahead and fill them, no matter which lane.
    Where gaps don't exist, create them.

 4. The kid next door smashed all your rear vision mirrors, but don't
    replace them. Just don't look back. What's gone is gone.

 5. Don't worry about signalling, it keeps everyone on their toes. Anyway
    isn't it dangerous to make hand signals while carrying a half empty
    beer bottle?

 6. Drive close enough to the car in front to show them the whites of your
    eyes - It's guaranteed to clear the way for you.

    Sneer at the other drivers when they swerve out of your way, and watch
    their reactions. Old ladies are the most fun. If they give you aggro,
    repeat the seond half of Rule No 1.

 7. You have the right to be on the road in any condition - tired, drunk, or
    just plain stupid. Qualifying on all three counts should be your
    constant aim. Don't worry, it's easy.

 8. Ensure that no more than four fingers of one hand touch the steering
    wheel at any time. Leave the other hand free for holding liquid
    refreshment, communicating with other drivers, or both.

    Drape half of your seat belt across your shoulder to fool the law. The
    other half is keeping the muffler tied on. When the driver's seat frame
    collapses, stuff a beer crate under it to shore it up.

 9. Avoid thoughts about warrants of fitness. If they connect the car with
    your name, They'll want to return it to the real owner.

    Don't worry if the shock absorbers have failed, they're only there to
    make the car more comfortable. If the windscreen's too dirty to see
    out, smash a hole in it.

10. Ignore the speed limit. When challanged by the law, argue aggressively
    that the Germans aren't stupid and they don't have speed limits--do

    Reinforce your logic by waving a beer bottle at them. If they won't take
    no for an answer, don't bother to front up in court.

    Remember, they can't get blood out of a stone.

HUMOURMsg # 180 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:41 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Irish Letter

 Dear son,
         Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this
 letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.You won't know the house
when you get home-We have moved.

         About your Father- He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under
him -  He cuts the grass at the cemetary.

         There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in but
it has'nt been working too good. Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled the
chain and have'nt seen the shirts since.

         Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I have'nt found out
whether it's a boy or a girl so I can't tell you if you're an aunt or an

         Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the
Dublin  brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them
off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put the fire out.

         I went to the doctor on Thursday and father went with me. The
doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten
minutes. Your Father offered to buy it from him.

         It only rained twice this week, once for three days and once for
four days. Monday was so windy that one of the chickens laid the same egg
four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last
payment on your grandmothers plot was'nt paid in seven days, up she comes.

                         Your loving mother,

 P.S. I was going to send you five pounds but I had already sealed the

HUMOURMsg # 181 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:44 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: Irish Jokes

-=:: Irish Jokes ::=-

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman
stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch
you in the nose."
 "I'm sorry sir, I..."
 "Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your

"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."
"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

Paddy played his famous party trick. He extends his hands to an unsuspecting
bystander and says : "Pick a thunb, any thunb at all."
 When the bystander complies, the Irishman puts his hands behind his back
for a moment, the holds out his clenched fist.
 "Okay, now which hand is it in?"

It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are
about to be guillotined.
 "Do you want to be beheaded on your front?" the executioner asked Smith.
"On my back," said Smith, "I'm not afraid of death."
 So, Smith was laid on his back under the knife. The executioner pulled the
lever. Schlick...and the knife jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man
can be sentenced to death twice.
 Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed,
and Hoskins was reprieved.
 Murphy was third. "Back or front?" "If it's good enough for Smith and
Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid with his back
under the blade.  "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think I can see
why it jams."

Have you heard about the Irish sky diver who was killed when his snorkel and
flippers failed to open ?

Then there's the one about the new Irish parachute. It opens on impact.

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a
shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed.  We will
be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick."
 Five minutes later he said, "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen,
but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late."
 A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third
engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than
 One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens,
Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all
night ?"

What do most of the people in Irish hospitals have in common ?
They were all IRA explosives experts.

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive ?

The Irishwoman was elderly, but healthy and active; even so she insisted on
a hysterectomy.
"But why?" asked the doctor.
"Sure," said the woman, "and me with 16 grandchildren - I don't want any

Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic ? It has a 12 month waiting

At an international medical symposium it was decided that some research
should be devoted to the matter of the male penis with particular interest
centring on why it was shaped with a knobbed end. Funds were set aside and
three teaching hospitals were elected to investigate.
 Royal Edinburgh was the first to report. In a 96 page document doctors
distilled the results of tests conducted on subjects and questionnaires
received from a further 4000 respondents at a cost of $50000. Their
findings showed conclusively that the broader extremity of the member was
to give additional pleasure to the male during sexual intercourse.
 The Paris Hospital du Sacre Coeur presented it's findings soon after. It's
report appeared at a cost of three million francs and it's 74 pages outlined
the positive responses from 5000 countrymen. The French declared
categorically that the glorious, retrousse shape of the penis gave added
pleasure to the female partner during lovemaking.
 St Patrick's, Dublin, was a little slower in presenting it's report.
Conducted on a sample of five at a cost of 5 pounds it was nevertheless a
serious document, one paragraph in length. "The knob at the end of the
'ould feller'," it concluded, "was to stop the hand from slipping off."

"Don't jump," said Paddy to the man on the ledge. "Think of your wife and
"I've got no wife and children."
"Then think of your parents.
have any parents."
"Then think of St Patrick."
"Who's St Patrick?"
"Jump, ya bastard."

There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave
for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.

An Irishman was visiting America. He was patiently waiting, and watching
the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of
traffic, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to
pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let Catholics cross?"

A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and
sticks a gun to his head.
"Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
 The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says
the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "as a matter of
fact, I'm Jewish."
 At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "What are those two bulges in the front of your
 "Ah," said Paddy, "they're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty
comes feeling my balls I'll blow his bloody fingers off."

A big Irishman sauntered into a Dublin bar and shouted, "Which one of you is
Michael O'Shea?"
 A little man sitting by the bar said, "That's me."  The big guy walked
over to him and punched him in the mouth.
 The little feller started laughing, so the big guy hit him again and he
fell down, still laughing.
 The hulk could not bear it. "Why are you still laughing after Oi've belted
you?" he roared.
 "The joke's on you," said the little man, "Oi'm not Michael O'Shea."

One day two Irishmen were walking in the woods when they came across a sign
saying "Tree Fellers Wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, Sean, it's a shame
Paddy isn't with us today. We could have gotten the job."

The Irish attempt at Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: they
ran out of scaffolding.

And then there was the Irishman who sued the local bakery for putting his
signature on a hot cross bun.

The Irishman at the front door said : "Morning missus, Oi've come to mend
your doorbell."
"I was expecting you yesterday," the woman replied.
"Shure now, but Oi rang then and got no answer."

However, it has not been all progress on the scientific front - they had to
stop making iceblocks. The old lady who knew the recipe died.

O'Toole was not familar with the workings of the railway, and was watching
the trains going into the mouth of a tunnel. He was enthralled. A fellow saw
him staring and asked, "What's so interesting down there?"
O'Toole said, "'Tis marvelous... They go plumb into the hole every time."

A woman telephoned an airline office in Dublin and asked, "How long does it
take to fly to London?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the womam said as she hung up.

An Irishman was walking down the street with a sack over his shoulder when a
friend approached.
"What have you got in the sack, Mick?"
"Chickens, Pat, and I'll tell you what - if you can guess how many I've got,
I'll give you both of them."
Pat answered: "Three?"
HUMOURMsg # 182 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:50 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 19 times

     To: All
Subject: IRS

 Department of the Treasury - INFERNAL REVENUE SERVICE   Form 1040 (New)

 Please fill in all applicable blanks legibly, if you know what's good for

 Name (as your family knows you):                                          
 Name (as your girlfriend knows you [Yes, we know all about her.]):        
 Name (as you were known in the '60's; it had better match our FBI files): 
 Address (Yeah, it's been on file for years; we just like to make you

 Occupation (so we'll know if you're trying to screw us)

 Check one: Indolent, decadent rich ......... ( )   Aspiring to (<--) ( )
 .          Struggling middle-class bourgeois ( )   Barely getting by ( )
 .          Low-life-leech-on-society ....... ( )   Space alien ..... ( )

 Check one: Productive overachiever ......... ( )   Kinda trying .... ( )
 .          Lucky just to make it to work ... ( )   Retired ......... ( )
 .          Disabled  [Yeah, SURE] .......... ( )   Just plain lazy . ( )

 Check all that apply:

 Voted for Bush ....... ( )    Watch C-SPAN ... ( )   Own your own car .( )
 Voted for Dukakis .... ( )    Watch Dan Rather ( )   Own your own pc...( )
 Voted for Mr. Rogers . ( )    Watch "Dallas" . ( )   Own your own shoes( )

 If you checked "Watch 'Dallas'" above, please complete the following:
 [ Don't you know it's not on any more? . Yes ( )  No ( )  ]
 [ Do you care? ......................... Yes ( )  No ( )  ]

 If you checked "Own your own shoes" above, please complete the following:
 [ Are you prepared to learn to live without them?  Yes ( )  No ( )  ]
 [ If you checked No, please complete the following:                 ]
 [ Don't you know that you'd damn well better? .... Yes ( )  No ( )  ]

 Enter how much money you made ................................... $_____._ Enter how much money you made under the table ................... $_____._ Enter how much your teenage kids ran up on the phone bill ....... $_____._ Enter amount you fudged on last year's tax return (We have ways..)$_____._ Enter total amount Congress should spend on the Congressional
   Barber Shop, Fact-finding trips to Tahiti and the Bahamas, and
   Ted Kennedy's entertainment expense account ................... $_____._
 If you entered zero on Line 46, please read the following:
 [ Tough! ]
 [ Do you understand the above? ............................ Yes ( )  No ( )
 [ If you checked No, call 1-900-TAX-SPEND (3 months' salary for first
 [ five minutes.)]

 Do you suffer from Jock Itch? ............................. Yes ( )  No ( )
 The heartbreak of Psoriasis? .............................. Yes ( )  No ( )
 The candidacy of George McGovern? ......................... Yes ( )  No ( )

 Can you read lips? ........................................ Yes ( )  No ( )
 If you checked Yes, please write to George, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave,
 Washington, DC, 00000.  Send resume and references.

 Have you ever been audited? ............................... Yes ( )  No ( )
 If you checked No, please read the following:
 [ Aah, HA! ]
 [ Do you understand the above? ............................ Yes ( )  No ( )
 [ If you checked No, please read the following:
 [ You will.                                                               ]

 Do you subscribe to GEnie? ................................ Yes ( )  No ( )
 Why? _____________________________________________________________________
 Sexual preference (Check all that apply):
 Daily .............. ( )   Hetero ....... ( )   Read "Playboy" .........( )
 Monthly ............ ( )   Homo ......... ( )     If above checked:
 What's sex? ........ ( )   Mono ......... ( )     With two hands .......( )
 Multiple partners .. ( )   Stereo ....... ( )     With one hand ........( )
  If above checked:         Groucho ...... ( )
  Just a few ........ ( )   Harpo ........ ( )   With wife ..............( )
  The multipler,                                 With anyone ............( )
   the better ....... ( )                        With farm animals ......( )

 Are you a minority? ....................................... Yes ( )  No ( )
 If so, which part of you is minor? _______________________________________
 Check all of the following that you know personally:
 John Sununu ............. ( )
 Neil Bush ............... ( )
 Sen. DiConcini .......... ( )
 Charles Keating ......... ( )
 Anybody with big bucks .. ( )

 How many of the above did you check? ............................... _____ Multiply that figure by $10,000 and subtract from your tax, below.

 Do you read the "National Enquirer?" ....................... Yes ( ) No ( )
 Do you ALWAYS drive 55? .................................... Yes ( ) No ( )
 Even in your DRIVEWAY? ..................................... Yes ( ) No ( )
 Do you change your own oil? ................................ Yes ( ) No ( )

 Which is better (check one):
 IBM-PC....... ( )
 Mac ......... ( )
 Sinclair .... ( )
 Do you date your tax forms? ............................... Yes ( )  No ( )
 If so, do they have a good time with you? ................. Yes ( )  No ( )
 Does your wife know? ...................................... Yes ( )  No ( )
 Do you know what any of this has to do with taxes? ........ Yes ( )  No ( )
 If you checked Yes, please call us and let us know.

  ******************** FIGURE TAX HERE ********************************

 Enter amount from Line 40 ..................................... $______._ Enter amount from Line 41 ..................................... $______._ Enter amount from Line 42 ..................................... $______._ Enter amount from Line 43 ..................................... $______._
 Add them up. .................................................. $______._ Send it in.   NOW! ............................................ Yes ( )
 (There is no NO)

 ___________________________________________ SIGN, Suckah!

 This return is INVALID without your signature.  Your check, however, is
 another story.

 Do you wish to designate an additional amount for the purpose of deficit
 reduction? ............................................... Yes ( ) No ( )
 [ If you checked Yes, please complete the following:

 [ Are you Bloody NUTS???????????????? .................... Yes ( ) No ( )

 It's been a pleasure serving[1] you.  Until next year, remember, WE'RE

 [1] screwing

HUMOURMsg # 183 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:55 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: Looking for a woman?

                     *** Looking for a girl-friend?? ***
Following are some of the basic requirements.

>  Make and Model       : Human/Woman
>  Year                 : 1966 - 1972
>  Mileage              : Low (prefer 0)
>  Engine               : Three Cylinder (V-1 position)
                          EFI *
                          Multi-port Injection
                          Single fuel intake/double exhaust (all three
                          Very low noise
                          Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
                          A lot of horse power (must feel it)
                          No exhaust fumes or smoke
>  Transmission         : Manual
                          Over-drive required
                          Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
>  Clutch               : Good condition, should be able to handle hard
                          driving in the city.
>  Breaks               : Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder (no leaks in the
                          system and enough fluids)
>  Radiator             : No boiling
                          Quick warm up and cool down
>  Body                 : No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
                          Color - any (original hood color)
                          Detailing - as needed but not over-done
                          Blinking lights-any color (prefer blue)
                          Weight - Less than 115 lb
                          Pleasant Grill
                          Easily Convertible (Remover cover at will)
                          Comfortable Driver Seat
                          Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion™ suspension
                          Slim but adequate tires
                          Absolutely no rust (must be checked and certified)
                          Clean inside (should be able to eat off it)
>  Cost: Less than the Bill of rights

( * EFI = Easy Front Interface )

HUMOURMsg # 184 of 622                 Date: Mon 26/06/1995,  3:56 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: In the Mens Room

            28 Types of People You Meet in the Men's Room

1. EXCITABLE:  Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. SOCIABLE:   Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3. NOSEY:      Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4. TIMID:      Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he
               had already, comes back later.
5. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in the sink.
6. CLEVER:     No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the
7. WORRIED:    Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick
8. FRIVOLOUS:  Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
9. ABSENT-MINDED:  Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10.CHILDISH:   Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the
11.SNEAK:      Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man
               in next stall will get blamed.
12.PATIENT:    Stands very close for a lont time, reads newspaper with free
13.DESPARATE:  Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14.TOUGH:      Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15.EFFICIENT:  Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16.FAT:        Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.
17.LITTLE:     Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18.DRUNK:      Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19.DISGRUNTLED:Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
20.CONCEITED:  Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
21.IMPATIENT:  Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in
               front of him.
22.HUNTER:     Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps of cliff, never
               pisses, but does scare the shit out of himself.
23.WITHDRAWN:  Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminates
24.CROSS-EYED: Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the center,
               flushes one on the right.
25.CURIOUS:    Looks over at neighbor. Pisses in neighbour's pocket.
26.COMPETITIVE:Stands back, and challenges others to distance contest.
27.SHOW OFF:   Stands with back to urinal, and slings tool over shoulder.
28.CONFUSED:   Woman in wrong washroom wondering what's with the funny


HUMOURMsg # 185 of 622                 Date: Sat  1/07/1995,  4:20 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: 1996 Elective Training Course

                   1996 Elective Staff Training Modules

DRG Stationery in association with People Resources Limited are introducing
a range of training courses that will be available to staff throughout 1996.
If you are interested in any of these valuable training courses, please
contact Richard Perkins.


1101   Creative Suffering
1102   Overcoming Peace of Mind
1103   You and Your Birthmark
1104   Guilt Without Sex
1105   The Primal Shrug
1106   Ego Gratification Through Violence
1107   Moulding Your Child's Behaviour Through Guilt and Fear
1108   Dealing with Post-realisation Depression
1109   Whine Your Way to Alienation
1110   How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation


BC-1   'I Made $100 in Real Estate'
BC-2   Money Can Make You Rich
BC-3   Packaging and Selling Your Child
BC-4   Career Opportunities in El Salvador
BC-5   How to Profit from Your Own Body
BC-6   The Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
BC-7   Looters Guide to NZ's Cities


401    How to Convert Your Family Room into a Garage
402    Cultivating Virii in Your Refrigerator
403    Burglarproof Your Home with Concrete
404    Sinus Drainage at Home
405    Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
406    Other Uses for Your Vacuum Cleaner
407    The Repair and Mantenance of Your Virginity
408    How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
409    What to Do With Your Conversation Pit


11202  Creative Tooth Decay
11203  Exorcism and Acne
11204  The Joys of Hypochondria
11205  High Fibre Sex
11206  Suicide and Your Health
11207  Skate Your Way to Regularity
11208  Understanding Nudity
11209  Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
11210  Optional Body Functions


101    Self Actualisation Through Macrame
102    How to Draw Genitalia
103    Needlecraft for Junkies
104    Gifts for the Senile
105    Bonsai Your Pet
106    Rearrange Your Pet
107    Rearrange Your Mate

HUMOURMsg # 186 of 622                 Date: Sat  1/07/1995,  4:31 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Rules for Dictators (clerical)

                           Rules for Dictators

1.     Never start first thing in the morning.  Typists much prefer a rush
       in the afternoon.

2.     Do not face the microphone while dictating.  Your secretary might
       hear what you are saying.

3.     When dictating, please parade up and down the room.  Secretaries
       understand what is said more distinctly.

4.     Delivery of urgent tapes.  Always during lunch hour and at any time
       between 4:30 and 5:30pm.

5.     Always suck a pen or chew a pencil when dictating.  It adds

6.     Please smoke during dictation.  It assists pronounciation.

7.     When dictating please sort papers, make and receive phone calls with
       your recorder left on.

8.     Please lower the voice to a whisper when dictating names.  Under no
       circumstances spell them.  Secretaries are sure to hit on the right
       spelling and they know the names of every person, firm and place in
       the world.

9.     Whenever possible dictators should endeavour to keep typists late.
       Secretaries have not got homes and are only too thankful for
       somewhere to spend the evening.

10.    Should work be required urgently it aids the secretary if you rush in
       at intervals of 30 seconds to see if it is done.

11.    Should a letter produced on a typewriter require a slight
       alteration, after it is typed, score the word heavily through about
       four or five times and write the correct word beside it in heavy
       pencil or preferably ink - and always make sure that the alteration
       is on the original copy.

12.    If a particular document is required urgently do not tell your
       secretary until she has typed at least three of the preceding

13.    If a secretary is making a tricky alteration requiring concentration
       and precision always stand over her and breathe down her neck while
       she does it.

14.    Do not switch the recorder off or turn away when coughing or
       sneezing.  It helps keep the typist awake.

15.    Never, never punctuate or indicate paragraphs.  Typists like the

HUMOURMsg # 187 of 622                 Date: Fri 14/07/1995, 10:57 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 24 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :  Shitlinked Chat to Other Boards 
Subject: :>

Here's something I received in the mail from a friend :>

I swear they're the real thing!

All capitalisation and spelling are as on the form. *chuckle*

                      Novelty Magic Set Instructions
                         Here's how to solve 'em'

                             Novelty Products
                              M. Y. Soratiya
                          20, Ghoghari Mohalla,
                         2nd Floor, Room No. 21,
                   1st X Lane, Near Mandvi Post Office,
                             Bombay-400 003.

Novelty Magic Bell Instruction

1.     Here is one planstic bell & other is brass bell, atteched with rubber

2.     Tie The brass bell in your right Hand nnder sleeves & Then in other
       hand keep plastic bell & lift your Hand up & down Towards ear of
       your viewer person with This brass bell will ring but other person
       will think that plastic beli is ringing.  Then give plastic bell to
       viewer & tell he on to po the voice of bell in my ear but he con't
       do such because ringing bell is under raer sleeves so viewer will
       find it as Magic.

       This is the Magic Bell.

Magic Playing Card Instructions

       This pack of card contains Half Mix Card and Half Particular Cards.
       Before showing the said Magic, follow rules as under.

1.     Frist of all adjust the said pack of cards in such a way to that the
       particulars card comes after each Mix card.

2.     The bottom card of the pack should be any of the Mix card.

3.     While sheffing the carb, please sheffle half to half not in the way
       as we are playing cards sheffle half to half only so that any of the
       Mix card comes at the bottom.

4.     Then allow any of your friend to pick any card, while your rolling
       the said pack of card duly bend, nd your FRIEND WILL GETTHEONLY
       PARTICULAR card and no other card will come in his hand, when your
       friend has picked the card kindly replace the top card of the pack
       at that place from where your friend has ppicked the card, this will
       ceep your pack of card in order. The card picked by your friend may
       be placed at the top of the pack card Repeat the said process and
       your friend will get only the particulars card and no other card at

5.     In order to show all the cards as a particular card please note that
       the bottom card of the pack should be that PARTICULAS CARD and then
       Roll the said pack of cards, duly bend ind in youl palm openly and
       you will see that all the said card one and the same particular card.

6.     In order to show all the cards as Mix card, see that the bottom cards
       of the pack in your had must be any Mix card and roll the same duly
       bend as above but closed and not open, and all the cards will be Mix
       card, if you Try Two to Three Times, you will easily follow this

The reason why your friend is getting the onle particulars card is that the
said Particular card is slight.

Try to work *that* one out!  *grin*

HUMOURMsg # 188 of 622                 Date: Tue  1/08/1995,  5:54 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Simple Assembly Instructions

> > >  S I M P L E  A S S E M B L Y  I N S T R U C T I O N S < < <

1. Choose a clean, Dry Area

2. Fold first flange forwards, forming fourth flange

3. Use special tool AA-*13 to repeatiedly flib fiddly Bulkhead into paper

4. Do not be alarmed by my Manservant's Appearance.

5. If you love something, set it free

6. Leave to set. No, Don't

7. Run Away.

HUMOURMsg # 189 of 622                 Date: Tue  1/08/1995,  5:59 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 22 times

     To: All
Subject: Vegetables - whats in it for me?

VEGES, Whats in it for me?:

CARROTS can improve your vision.
LEEKS will put you at ease in a crowd (of monkeys).
CAULIFLOWER prevents you from hurting cicadas.
Improve you perception of traffic flow in you area with CELERY
BEETROOT reduces the distance between you and that dirty Monkey over there.
GARLIC: makes the monkey go away


HUMOURMsg # 190 of 622                 Date: Tue  1/08/1995,  6:08 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Legacy of Jelly

The Legacy of Jelly:

May 14, 1907 was a day of reckoning for the inhabitants of a small fishing
village near cape Chidley, Newfoundland. A storm in a teacup the proceeding
night had washed up a gigantic 'Tug-o-war' Jellyfish, over 250 metres in
diameter. The villagers wasted no time in extracting the contents of the
hapless beast's stomach bag. The result: a 5lb cheddar cheese, a beaut
plastic whistle, some vittles, a kindly old watch maker and another even
more massive jellyfish!
To this day the beasts huge horns take pride of place in the Mayor's funky
new Bachelor pad.

No true!


HUMOURMsg # 191 of 622                 Date: Tue  1/08/1995,  6:16 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 21 times

     To: All
Subject: Daily Dictionary 8-1-95

Todays new word:

PIMLICO (noun) Small od shaped piece of plastic or curious metal component
found in the bottom of kitchen rumage draw when spring cleaning or looking
for cellotape.

[I'll try to put a new word in here daily! at least untill I run out!]



HUMOURMsg # 192 of 622                 Date: Wed  2/08/1995,  6:00 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 20 times

     To: AIMEE & ALL
Subject: Todays new word

Well Here are todays new words:
And I hope you are all learning these and putting
them into your everyday speach!:

LULWORTH (Verb) Measure of     |     SHOEBURYNESS (abstract Noun)
Conversation.  A  Lulworth     |     The  slightly uneasy feeling
Defines the  amount of the     |     experienced    when    first
Length,    Loudness    and     |     sitting in  a train  or  bus
embarrassment     of     a     |     seat, still warm from  some-
statement  you  make  when     |     body elses bottom.
everyone else in  the room     |
Unaccountably        stops     |
talking at the same Moment     |

Well there they are, Make sure you learn them, they are an important part of
your Vocab!

More tomorrow OK!!

Weather Lady

HUMOURMsg # 193 of 622                 Date: Fri  4/08/1995,  9:11 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 20 times

     To: All
Subject: Todays words:

Well everyone, here I am back on Schedule, with todays new words to add to
your already increasing Vocba..Vocali...Vocabulss..(the words you know!)

Hey Aimee, heres one for you:

FOT (Noun) The sound
made by breaking the
seal on a new jar of

Also one for all the people out there with cheque books:

SCREGGAN      (Noun)
Banking  Term .  The
Crossed-out      bit
caused   by   people
putting  the   wrong
year  on Cheques all
through January!

More on Monday OK!

Weather L

HUMOURMsg # 194 of 622                 Date: Tue  8/08/1995,  5:04 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 23 times

     To: All
Subject: todays words

well these words were due on monday, however thanks to a smart coment from
Skidmark, they are a day late! OK!]

DUMBLES (Plural Noun) An Embarrassing
feeling in the innards, An attack  of
the dumbles is  most commonly brought
on when having said lengthly goodbyes
to a large gruop of people in a room,
you have to steel yourself to going
in and saying hallo to them all again
because you have forgotten your hat!


HUMOURMsg # 195 of 622                 Date: Tue  8/08/1995,  9:33 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 43 times

     To: All
Subject: Answers to tomorrows quiz

Answers to tomorrows quiz!

1. Freqently

2. Prince Charles, Anne, Mark, Andrew, Edward and Mum

3. Yes, if you have one big enough

4. No.

5. I'd rather die.


HUMOURMsg # 196 of 622                 Date: Tue  8/08/1995,  9:35 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 43 times

     To: All
Subject: Yesterdays qiuz questions

Yesterdays Quiz Questions

1 How do you pronounce 'frequency' with your mouth full?

2. Before we play the request, your Majesty, is there anyone at home you'd
like to dedicate it to?

3. Shall I put the crocdile in a bag for you sir?

4. What did Noah's best friend call him?

5. Would you like to come back to my place and listen to my Demis Roussos


HUMOURMsg # 197 of 622                 Date: Tue  8/08/1995,  9:38 pm  [E]
From: WEATHER LADY               Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Another word to learn

MOTSPUR (Noun) The fourth wheel of
a supermarket trolley which looks
identical to the other three, but
renders the trolley completely


HUMOURMsg # 198 of 622                 Date: Wed 16/08/1995,  6:59 pm  [E]
From: BO PEEP                    Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: Mayeb Materila

After much research I have finally compiled a list of the most common words
used in Mayeb Materila. Their origins and definitions are listed below. If
anyone has any others please add.

Marred: Unable to go on ladies night's out (SkidmaRK)

Cosysop - Warm friendly substitute.

Aimeeless - To need a cosysop.

Thrwoing - to toss into the fish tank - (JL)

Valadated - to be taken upstairs in the Unicorn (JL)

Weant - To wander aimlessley - see cosysop (SK)

Kahndalla - A suburb not in Auckland (Simon Story)

Reickderscale - When the earth moves - (Simon Story)

Courtious - Condition prior to muscle turning to fat (Mulder)

More to come ...

HUMOURMsg # 199 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/09/1995,  2:32 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 25 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>

Are You Bored?
     In a Rut?
          Looking for a New Career?

If so, we have the answer to your problems ...

                    *** The Famous Hackers' School ***

     That's right, friends - the Famous Hackers' School!  Now you can learn
the ins and outs of Hacking in the comfort of your own home, as you prepare
for your new career in this fast-growing hi-tech field.

     Just imagine the look on your friends' faces when they learn that you
are a Certified Hacker!  As a Hacker, you will be smug in the knowledge
that no corporate computer system is safe from your talents.  You'll be
able to sleep late, and never have to worry about your bank balance again!

     Under the watchful eyes of our anonymous instructors - noted Hackers
all - this correspondence course will teach you the finer points of password
plundering, system access level boosting, data destruction, and electronic

     And Famous Hackers' School offers something that no other school
offers: backup career guidance.  This special course module will show you
how to turn your eventual arrest into a media event, a bestselling book,
and a secure position as a computer security consultant!

     Just send fifty thousand dollars, and we'll rush your FHS starter kit
to you via the fastest courier available. This jam-packed starter kit
includes the following:

     * A deluxe 486 computer system, complete with 9600-bps modem and our
       proprietary "TeleHack" software package

     * A set of passwords to the major corporate computer systems you'll
       access during your studies

     * A twenty-gigabyte optical disk for storing looted data

     * A collection of timed viruses for your personal use

     * Official FHS membership card, recognized by bail-bondsmen the world

     * A complete set of course manuals, cleverly disguised as obsolete
       operating system manuals

     Bonus!  Send your money before Friday the 13th, and we'll throw in our
famous "Build-a-Virus" kit, complete with two-page, illegible photocopied
instruction sheet, at no extra charge!

   Get started as a Hacker today--and have more fun tomorrow!

                   The Famous Hackers' School
                A Division of Bizarro Enterprises

                           Our Motto:
                    Nobody likes a hacker ...
           but that's okay, because they'll be sorry!

HUMOURMsg # 200 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/09/1995,  2:34 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 25 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>

 To:      All Personnel
 Subject:   Absenteeism

 It has become necessary for us to review some of our policies, due to
frequent absenteeism of our production employees  (Programmers, Analysts,
and President).

 The following changes are in effect as of today:

 Sickness:  NO EXCUSE....We will no longer accept your Doctor's statement
of proof, and we believe that if you are able to  go to the Doctor, you are
able to come to work.

 Death:   (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN)....This is no excuse. There is nothing you
can do for them, and we are sure that someone else  with a lesser position
can attend to the arrangements. However,  if the funeral can be held in the
late afternoon, we will be glad to  let you off one hour early, provided
that your share of the work  is ahead enough to keep the job going in your

 Leave of Absence:  (FOR AN OPERATION)....We are no longer allowing this
practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an
operation, as we believe as long as you are an employee here, you will need
all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed.
We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make
you less than we bargained for.

 Death:  (YOUR OWN)....This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
like a two weeks notice. We feel it is your duty to teach someone else your

 Also, entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15, "B"
will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on. If you are unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

HUMOURMsg # 201 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/09/1995,  2:35 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 22 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>


 PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. A good
viruscanner will warn you of impending hard drive attack: Once if by LAN,
twice if by C:\

FEDERAL BUREAU VIRUS: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little
units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
the most important part of your computer.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, then
slowly expands back to 200MB.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all of your diagnostic
software says that everything is fine.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file on your system.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It WILL be back.

HUMOURMsg # 202 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/09/1995,  2:35 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>

To test your understanding of the language spoken by some people in the
north of England.


10 Correct answers - You are obviously an immigrant from the south of

25 Correct answers - You are on your way to being a settler.

40 Correct answers - You have settled!

All correct        - It's time you brushed up on your Queen's English.

TRANSLATE INTO ENGLISH (The 'g' is always as in 'got').

   1.  Intitot?                       27.  Asta seenim ont telly?

   2.  Giuzit                         28.  Corfus arpastate imornin

   3.  Summutsupoer                   29.  It dunt marrer

   4.  Gerritetten                    30.  Lerruz gurrat pichurz

   5.  Gerartnit!                     31.  Astagorratanner

   6.  Supwidee?                      32.  Oowurriwee - Wurree weeizson?

   7.  Smarrarweeim?                  33.  Eez gunna gerralotta lolly
   8.  Putwudinthole
                                      34.  Eenoze nowt abartit
   9.  Azeegorriter?
                                      35.  Lerrer geronbuz
  10.  Geeit Mester
                                      36.  Eedurnt purriz ed undert watter
  11.  Eez Gooinoam
                                      37.  Eesezeantaddit
  12.  Astha gorrit reight?
                                      38.  Ateldim burrewunt lissen
  13.  Isthemum?
                                      39.  Lerrim purrizaton
  14.  Astha gorrit withy?
                                      40.  Astle clowt thee iftha duntgiore
  15.  Purremineer
                                      41.  Tintintin
  16.  Ayampt sared nowt
                                      42.  Gerary tergithi andweit
  17.  Thalafter gerra newun
                                      43.  Eez gorriz atoam
  18.  Eesezitintiz - Burraberritiz
                                      44.  Thawanstawesh thi errolz aht
  19.  Lerruzgerruz andzwesht
                                      45.  Middadz gorrajag
  20.  Summoneazgorrageroff
                                      46.  Thakken iftha wannts
  21.  Wiv gorra gerruz imbux
                                      47.  Eez nobutta babbi
  22.  Thamum gerrit lornt
                                      48.  Tantad nowt dunatit asanoze on
  23.  Shut thigob
                                      49.  Cantha kumterowerowse tuneat?
  24.  Owezeeno?
                                      50.  Werz gaffer?
  25.  Aberritintez

  26.  Wardendenn, watdardooin?
HUMOURMsg # 203 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/09/1995,  2:36 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour

      Future airplanes run by various operating systems:

DOS:   Everybody pushes it till it glides, jumps on, and lets it coast till
       it skids... then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS w/QEMM: same as DOS but with more leg room to push.

MAC: all the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, etc., look
     the same, act the same, and talk the same.  Every time you ask
     questions about details you are told you don't need to know, don't
     want to know, and everything will be done for you without knowing, so
     just shut up.

OS/2: to get on board you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different
      times by standing in 10 different lines; then you have to fill out a
      form that states how you want your seating arrangement to be--whether
      it should have the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger
      train, or a bus.  If you are successful in getting on board and
      getting off the ground you have a wonderful, enjoyable trip... except
      for times when the rudder and flaps freeze stuck, in which case you
      have time to say your prayers and get your personal things in order
      before you crash.

Windows: nice colorful airport terminal, friendly stewards/stewardesses,
         easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff.... then BOOM! you blow
         up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: everyone sits on the runway and forms the outline of a plane, then they
    just sit there and go "PHHLLZZZSST" like they're flying.

Unix: everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to
      the airport.  Then they go out on the runway and piece it together,
      all the time arguing about what kind of plane they are building.

HUMOURMsg # 204 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/09/1995,  2:38 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 25 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>

 Star Trek Top Ten Lists:
 The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy

 10)  Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations
  9)  Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies
  8)  Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial
  7)  Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
  6)  Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time
  5)  Command 255:  Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die
  4)  Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon
  3)  Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders
  2)  Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time
  1)  Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it


The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise

 10)  Everybody act like Riker is the captain
  9)  Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
  8)  Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
  7)  Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
  6)  Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
  5)  Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
  4)  Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no
  3)  Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more
  2)  Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
  1)  Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment
      fields are collapsing"


The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors

 10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express
     transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there"
  9)  Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice
      of the Next Generation
  8)  Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
  7)  Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
  6)  Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
  5)  Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
  4)  Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
  3)  Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
  2)  After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
  1)  Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise



   10.  Tell her  "Your ears canna stan the strain!"
   9.  Vulcan Neck Pinch
   8.  Have an Android made of her then when she starts speaking tell her
       to "Shut Up!"  (See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode")
   7.  Wave Phaser in her face and tell her you will stun her with it.
   6.  Use transporter to split her into two seperate personalities.
       Phaser Evil Girlfriend and keep Good Girlfriend.
        (See, "The Enemy Within" - TOS episode)
   5.  Tell her your watching the episode where Picard gets naked.
   4.  Ask if she wants to see the Picard Maneuver
   3.  Try, "Computer - End Program"
   2.  Tell her she's in violation of the Prime Directive and she is
       interfering with a lesser developed civilization.
   1.  Borg her.

HUMOURMsg # 205 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/09/1995,  2:40 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 23 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour


You would get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached
to the back of your car is a freight train.

Macintosh System 7:
You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives you to church

You get in the car and type GREP STORE.  After reaching speeds of 200 miles
per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

Windows NT:
You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to store". Then you get
out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to
the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession.
Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everyone in town.

S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv]: You get in the car and drive to the store.
Halfway there you run out of gas.  While walking the rest of the way, you
are run over by kids on mopeds.

HUMOURMsg # 206 of 622                 Date: Fri 15/09/1995,  7:15 pm  [E]
From: SKIDMARK                   Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour :>

pinched off the net:

Seen in the Wall Street Journal..

A full 2-page, side-by-side ad. It had only one large centred line:


and a little Apple logo at the bottom.

What goes "clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop
           bang bang bang bang bang bang bang
           clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop"?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

Regarding Micheal Jackson...

Only in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman.

From: (William J. Evans)
Subject: Windows 95: just add...
Organization: better, but not good enough yet

An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked,
"Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?"

The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with
Windows 95 _without_ a computer than _with_ one."

From: (David Shepherd)
Subject: What you can't get for $12 billion

At yesterdays Windows 95 launch event in London after seeing the
Bill Gates video address, Jonathon Ross, who was compere-ing the event,
is reported to have told the assembled guests "money can buy you many
things, but it does not necessarily buy a decent haircut".


 þ SLMR 2.1a þ "Now is the Windows of our disk content." --Richard v3.0

HUMOURMsg # 207 of 622                 Date: Wed 20/09/1995, 12:45 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: Some from the RD

At the end of his final golf lesson, my friend asked the pro how he had
performed.  "Well," replied the instructor, "you'll never be a pro, but you
can get personal enjoyment out of the game, and the exercise will do you
good.  Your main problem is that you are too close to the ball after you


One of those big, beefy, take-charge men was checking into a hospital.
Barking orders left and right, he pretty much had his own way until he
reached the desk of a small mild-mannered clerk.  She typed the man's name
on a slip of paper, stuck the slip into a plastic bracelet, then snapped the
bracelet on the man's wrist before he knew what was happening.
"What's that for?" he demanded.
"That," replied the woman, "is so we won't give you to the wrong mother when
you're ready to leave."


Did you hear about the pet-shop owner who came up with a brilliant idea to
increase sales?  He taught every parrot to say, "I miss my brother..."


A cake shop opened in the same building where Weight Watchers meetings were
held.  One day, I noticed a sign in the shop window saying: "Note to Weight
Watchers - All cake sales confidential."


Soon after our teenage son started his first job at a family restaurant, we
decided to surprise him by having dinner there.  I was warned by other
family members not to embarrass him by making it obvious I was his mother.

Being an exuberant parent, I found this difficult, but managed to act like
other patrons.  I kept my head bent over the menu and politely accepted the
cutlery without looking up.  But I realised I might have been a bit too
successful in keeping my distance when my son stared pointedly at me and
said, "Hello.  My name is Andrew and I'll be your son for this evening."

HUMOURMsg # 208 of 622                 Date: Wed 20/09/1995,  1:08 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: More...

Notice under "Forthcoming Marriages:"  Mr Norman Rees, long suffering father
of Dawn, has great pleasure and relief in announcing that he has finally
offloaded her to Christopher, only son (thank heavens) of Mr and Mrs Ralph
Morgan.  Both families cannot believe their luck.


When I was a medical student in a Melbourne hospital, I followed two doctors
on a ward round.  All three of us were of Chinese origin.

We came upon a man who had been admitted unconscious the previous night.  To
check his conscious state, we asked if he knew where he was.

Still slightly dazed, the man looked up at the three of us and ventured,


Correction in the Winfield, Kansas, Daily Courier:  Aggie Callison, a
Winfield High School junior, will sing the part of the youth in
Mendelssohn's 'Elijah.'  She will replace her cousin Troy Clark, an eighth
grader, who has suddenly become a tenor.


Just as the bus I had alighted from pulled away, I realised I had left my
handbag on it.  Later that day, I was relieved to learn that the driver had
found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several other drivers surrounded me.  One handed
me my handbag, a box containing its contents, and two typewritten pages.
"When we find handbags, we have to make an inventory," he explained.  "I
think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back, the man continued, "I hope you
don't mind if we watch.  None of us could fit everything into your handbag -
so we'd like to see just how *you* do it!"


My son is an avid listener to our city's police frequency, and he leaves the
scanner on all the time.  One morning while making his bed, I heard, "Car
34, there is a large snake in a front yard.  The resident wants the police
to remove it."

There was a long pause, then some static.  Slowly, a voice said, "We can't
get the car started."

HUMOURMsg # 209 of 622                 Date: Wed 20/09/1995,  2:05 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: More...

A computer salesman dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates.  St Peter
tells the salesman that he can choose between heaven and hell.  First he
shows the man heaven, where people in white robes play harps and float
around.  "Boring," says the salesman.

Next, St Peter shows him hell:  parties, good food and wine, and people
looking as though they're having a great time.  "I'll take hell," says the
salesman.  He enters the gates of hell and is immediately set upon by a
dozen demons, who poke him with pitchforks.

"Hey," the salesman demands as Satan walks past, "what happened to the party
I saw going on?"

"Ah," Satan replies.  "You must have seen our demonstration tape."


Did you hear about 'Call Me Saddam', the new musical based on the Gulf War?
It has such tunes as 'It's a Sin to Tel Aviv', 'Amman and a Woman', 'Jihad
to Be You,' 'Sheik to Sheik' and 'Just Kuwait, 'enry 'iggins.'


How to write good:

Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
No sentence fragments.
It behoves us to avoid archaisms.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Don't use no double negatives.
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times:  Resist hyperbole.
Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Writing carefully, dangling participles should not be used.
Kill all exclamation marks!!!
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Take the bull by the hand, and don't mix metaphors.
Don't verb nouns.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Last but not least, avoid chich‚s like the plague.

HUMOURMsg # 210 of 622                 Date: Wed 20/09/1995,  2:26 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: and more...

The effect of computers on young children was brought home to me by my
four-year-old cousin.  When asked if he could spell his name, he replied,
"Of course I can.  L-A-R-R-Y ... enter."


Advertisement in the pets' column of the Yately and District Courier: "No,
Yvonne, you can't have another dog, so stop reading this column each week."


I needed some items from a Sunday-school cupboard that was seldom used and
was secured with a lock.  I didn't know the combination, but our minister
offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes
heavenwards for a moment.  Then he confidently spund the dial and opened the
lock.  Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he
smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."


HUMOURMsg # 211 of 622                 Date: Thu 21/09/1995,  5:23 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 23 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

My mother was knocked down by a car and was admitted to hospital.  The next
day the driver came by with a beautiful bouquet of roses.  My mother was
weak and could barely speak, so I went in and whispered to her, "Mother, the
young man who knocked you down is outside.  May he come in?"
"Yes," she whispered back.  "If hes on foot."


At a swanky hotel, a man walks up to the front desk and asks the
receptionist, "Do I register with you?"

"Not by any stretch of the imagination," snaps the woman.


The novice angler wasn't having any luck, though another man nearby was
pulling up fish after fish.  "What's your secret?" the newcomer asked.

"Mmnpximdafgltmm," mumbled the man.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you," said the novice.

"Mmnpximdafgltmm!" the fisherman mumbled again.  The neophyte shook his head
and began to turn away, when the other man held up his hand.  Spitting twice
into his coffee cup, he explained, "You've got to keep the worms warm!"


Attending Mass, I sat behind a local doctor and his young son.  During the
service, the priest read a list of 'dearly departed' members of the parish,
and asked the congregation to pray for them.

"Dad," the son said in a clear voice, audible to all sitting near by,
"weren't those people your patients?"


Late one night, a few days after issuing instructions on proper telephone
usage, a young navy lieutenant dialled what he thought was the bridge.  He
was greeted with a sleepy, "Yes, what is it?"

Testily, the young officer launched into a lecture on the correct way to
answer a phone, then said, "Now, lets start again.  Pretend your phone just

"Very well," replied the voice.  "Captain's cabin, Captain speaking, _sir_."

HUMOURMsg # 212 of 622                 Date: Mon  9/10/1995,  6:07 pm  [E]
From: SKIDMARK                   Read: 34 times

     To: All
Subject: Speeeling

A bus stops and two obviously Italian type men get on.
They seat themselves, and engage in animated converation. The lady seated
behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following,

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again.
Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then i come once more."

"You foul mouthed swine" retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public"

"hey coola down lady" said the man "Imma just tella my friend howa to spella


HUMOURMsg # 213 of 622                 Date: Tue 31/10/1995,  4:52 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: Some more :>

My Aunt Ruby and Uncle Arnie, childless after five years of marriage, jumped
at the chance to adopt a baby boy.  A short time later, Aunt Ruby became
pregnant and gave birth to a boy.

I was visiting her one day when the kids were about eight and nine, and a
woman in our small community dropped by.  "Which boy is yours, Ruby?" she
asked, observing the kids at play.

"Both of them," my aunt replied.  The caller persisted.  "No, I mean, which
one is adopted?"  Aunt Ruby didn't hesitate.  In her finest hour, she looked
straight at her guest and replied, "I've forgotten."


Waiting for my wife outside a lingerie shop, I saw a woman entering,
dragging her five-year-old son with her.  The child, who'd had his fill of
shopping, protested, "Mum, do we have to go in here?"

"You said you wanted a little brother, didn't you?" she replied.


On a flight my father was taking, strong winds were making it difficult for
the pilot to land.  After two attempts, the aircraft began circling for
another try.

My father noticed that the passenger beside him had a white-knuckled grip on
his armrests.  A frequent flier, Dad thought he would reassure him.  "Don't
worry," he said.  "Those people in the cockpit know what they're doing."

"You don't understand." the man replied.  "I'm a commercial pilot, and I
*know* what they're doing!"


When the woman next door gave birth, her husband phoned his mother-in-law
with the good news.  "We have twins!" he told her.  The phone connection was
bad and she didn't hear him clearly.

"Could you repeat that?" she shouted.

"I doubt it," answered the new father, sounding startled.  "In fact, I'm
surprised it happened the first time."


A lecturer stopped to scan the student notice board.  Among the lecture
titles listed was "Surprises in Obstetrics."  Beneath it was pencilled,
"Mary had a little lamb."


HUMOURMsg # 214 of 622                 Date: Tue 31/10/1995,  5:09 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: More...

During the Persian Gulf conflict, this sign was observed in a Tel Aviv back
yard next to a Scud missile crater:  "Actually, we wanted the pool a little
to the right."



HUMOURMsg # 215 of 622                 Date: Sat  4/11/1995,  2:27 pm  [E]
From: PROTEUS                    Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: Funny Joke

A guy goes to the doctor complaining of terrible headaches, the doc says to
him, "the only way to get rid of those headaches is to castrate you". The
guy looks at the doctor and say "No way man, I am going to get a second
opinion". He goes to another doctor, and gets a full pysical again, and the
doc say, "The only way to get rid of these headaches is to castrate you.",
the guy says, "NO way" and walks out.

Anyway after about 2 weeks, the headaches are getting worse and worse, so he
goes to the first doctor and ask hims to cut his balls off!.... the doc does
the operation, and he has no more headaches, so thinks this ios great and
goes to celibrate by buying himself a new tailor made suit.

As the tailor is measuring his in seam, he asks the guy what side of the
pants he normally puts his testicles, they guy replies "Well I don't have
them anymore, but when I did, I normally put one on the right side and the
other on the left side"

The tailor gives him a quizzicle look and says, "But didn't that give you
terrible headaches?"

HUMOURMsg # 216 of 622                 Date: Sat  4/11/1995,  6:49 pm  [E]
From: GIZMO                      Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: Funny Joke

Q.Whats the diference between light and hard?

A.You can go to sleep with a light on.


HUMOURMsg # 217 of 622                 Date: Sun  5/11/1995,  6:46 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 35 times

     To: All
Subject: More...

A married couple, both avid golfers, were discussing the future one night.
"Darling," the wife said, "If I were to die and you were to remarry, would
you two live in this house?"

"I suppose so - it's paid for," her husband replied.

"How about our car?"  continued the woman.  "Would the two of you keep

"I suppose so - it's paid for."

"What about my golf clubs?  Would you let her use them too?"

"Certainly not!" the husband blurted out.  "She's left-handed."


"How lovely you look, my dear!" gushed a wedding guest to the bride.  Then
she whispered, "Whatever happened to that dizzy blonde your husband used to

"I dyed my hair," replied the bride.


Three men walking along a beach came across a lamp buried in the sand.  They
picked it up and began wiping it clean.  A genie popped out and told them,
"I'll grant you each one wish."

The first man thought to himself, I have a wonderful wife, a nice car and
enough money.  He rubbed the lamp and whispered, "I wish I were ten times

"You are now ten times cleverer."  announced the genie.

The second man took the lamp and thought to himself, I have a wealthy wife
and three expensive cars.  So he rubbed the lamp and murmered, "I wish I
were a hundred times cleverer."

"You are now a hundred times cleverer," the genie decreed.

The third man thought to himself, I'm married to an heiress and own a fleet
of antique cars.  Then he rubbed the lamp and said, "I wish I were a
thousand times cleverer."

The genie pointed at him and declared, "You are now a woman."


HUMOURMsg # 218 of 622                 Date: Sun  5/11/1995,  6:57 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 36 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

On a shopping spree for some new lingerie, I took my selections of silky
underthings to the cashier.  He rang up my purchases and then handed each
garment to an obviously new assistant.  The teenager went red in the face
as he tried to remove the underwear from the hangers.  finally defeated, he
turned to the co-worker and asked, "How do you get these things off?"
Replied the cashier, "Your day will come, young man.  Your day will come."


After a shop manager had given his staff a pep talk on helpfulness, he
overheard a saleswoman saying to a customer, "No, madam, we haven't had any
for some time."

Moving in quickly and glaring at the sales assistant, he said, "We may have
some in the storeroom, madam, and if not, I can order it for you."  To his
dismay, the customer burst out laughing and left the shop.

"What did that woman say to you?" he asked his sales assistant, who replied,
"She said that we haven't had any rain lately."


HUMOURMsg # 219 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/12/1995,  8:25 am  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes from Cyberspace

After 3 months in the Far East, a businessman arrives home to discover that
he's contracted a strange disease in the genital region.  The doctor gives
him the news that his penis will have to be amputated.
  "I demand a second opinion," the businessman says.
So he sees numerous doctors all over Europe and North America but all
advocate the same form of surgical intervention.  Despairing of Western
medicine, the businessman decides to consult an Oriental doctor.  After all,
it seems that he's contracted an Oriental disease.  The doctor, whose office
is full of snakes in bottles and strange herbal remedies, gives the man and
his member an examination.
  "No, amputation isn't necessary."
The patient is elated.
  "Brilliant! I saw so many Western doctors and they all said mputation was
the only way."
  "Western doctors!" snorts the Chinese gentlman. "What do they know?  Any
Oriental herbalist or acupuncturist could tell you that it'll drop off by
itself in four to six weeks."


HUMOURMsg # 220 of 622                 Date: Fri 15/12/1995,  7:55 am  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 36 times

     To: All
Subject: Joke

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life and you get out of

How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four hundred and seventy two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to
write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness ™ as the new industry

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one not to screw in the bulb.


HUMOURMsg # 221 of 622                 Date: Thu 21/12/1995,  8:19 am  [E]
From: BOGEY                      Read: 36 times

     To: All
Subject: Joke

What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?

A computer that never goes down on you.


HUMOURMsg # 222 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/01/1996,  2:51 pm  [E]
From: GIGGS                      Read: 41 times

     To: All
Subject: marry

Hey i have got a rhym for you
mary had a little lamb she also had a bear everybody saw marys little lamb
but no one saw here bear

good a :><:


HUMOURMsg # 223 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/01/1996,  7:59 pm  [E]
From: BJ THE HUN                 Read: 34 times

     To: All
Subject: Disgustingly bad joke...

Here is a horrible joke I found in IBM's SQ magazine..

Where is the damn thing..


A hard working computer programmer finally took a vactaion. While hiking in
the mountains he came upon a shephard tending a flock of sheep. Taking fancy
to the sheep (hahahahaha sounds like Proteus!!!!) he asked the shephard " If
I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shephard thought this request was a little odd, knowing there was little
chance of guessing correctly, agreed.
"You've got 287 sheep" the programmer said to the shephard's astonishment,
since this was the correct number.
The shephard told the man he'd guesssed correctly and to go ahead and pick
out a sheep to take home. But as soon as the programmer picked up one and
started to carry it away, the shephard said "Wait a minute. You have to give
me one chance, too. If I guess what you do for a living, can I have my sheep
Figureing there was little chance the shephard would guess correctly, the
programmer went along.. Only to be shocked when the shephard said,
"You're a computer programmer, right?"
"How did you know?" asked the programmer.
The shephard said "Put down the dog and we'll talk about it."

What a long pice of crud.. But it made me smile. :>

Looks like IBM has lightened up (To the extent of putting all the playboy
interviews onto CD!!!).

HUMOURMsg # 224 of 622                 Date: Fri  5/01/1996, 12:44 pm  [E]
From: FLEET ADMIRAL              Read: 36 times

     To: All
Subject: A joke

Okay. These two guys go to Rome for a holiday. (NOTE: THIS MAY BE AN OLD
JOKE, BUT WHAT THE HELL) One of them is Dave, the other is Dean. When they
get to Rome, Dave suggests that they go and take pictures of the ruins. So
they're clicking here and there when Dave suggests that they have a BBQ.
Dean didn't like it at first but Dave setup the BBQ anyway. After Dave
sizzling with the stuff, a huge crowd comes and the Pope is in front of the
"Dave, Dave, some people are comin'. Pack up and let's get out of
here."said  Dean.
"Nah nah, they'll just walk past us." said Dave. As the crowd got closer
and closer, Dean started to panic and ran behind a rock on Dave's right
side. As the Pope approached them, the Pope stopped the crowd, walked to
Dave, and did the sign of the crucifix. When  the crowd left, Dave ran to
Dean and said,
"Did you see that? The Pope blessed the food!"
"No he didn't, he said you, your BBQ, your mate behind the rock, get the
hell out of here."

HUMOURMsg # 225 of 622                 Date: Mon 29/01/1996, 10:44 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 36 times

     To: All
Subject: From the RD :>

One rainy day recently, I was walking with my six-year-old son under an
umbrella.  I thought we were both fairly well protected until he looked up
and said plaintively, "Hey, Mum, what if *I* hold the umbrella and *you* get


On his way to lunch in the hospital where we work, my friend Jim fell and
fractured his arm.  As we wheeled him through the busy cafeteria towards the
emergency room, he lifted his head from the trolley and announced, "It was
the chicken!  Don't eat the chicken!"


My Data Entry Assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her
computer.  "You can do it, big guy!" she would say.  "Good boy!  Nice job,

After one particularly lengthy pep talk to the machine, I asked, "How do you
know your computer's male?"

"Because," she said, "you have to tell it what to do."


HUMOURMsg # 226 of 622                 Date: Mon 29/01/1996, 11:00 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 34 times

     To: All
Subject: More.. coz you don't post.

My job as a surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding to 18
holes.  Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I
came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away.

It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.  When I broke
out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe.  I
had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a
clear-cut swath over 100 metres long.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"


On midnight police patrol, I noticed an old-model car being driven very
slowly along a deserted stretch of road.  Suddenly, a bright light flashed
inside the car, quickly followed by another flash.  I became suspicious
after four or five such bursts of light, and pulled the car over.

"What's going on here?" I demanded of the two teenage occupants.  The driver
had a sheepish grin as he held up a flash camera and pointed to the

"My car is turning over 150,000 kilometres," he said, "and I wanted to get a
picture of it."


After studying for my driver's license oral exam, I went into the test room
and gave my forms to an examiner.  He proceeded to fire questions at me
about various driving rules.  Then he suddenly looked up and asked, "What
does E stand for?"

I panicked.  I couldn't remember a sign with the letter E on it, and meekly
answered, "I'm sorry, I don't know. What is it?"

The examiner raised his eyebrows and said, "I don't know.  It says on this
form that E is your middle initial."


HUMOURMsg # 227 of 622                 Date: Sun  4/02/1996, 12:35 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

"I'll need to see your driver's license," says the policeman after stopping
a car containing a middle-aged couple.  "You were speeding."

"But I was way under the speed limit," says the man.

"Sir, you were doing 100 kilometres an hour in an 80-kilometre zone."

"I was not speeding!" insists the man.  "Your radar gun must be broken."

At this point, the wife leans over.  "It's no use arguing with him,
officer," she says apologetically.  "He always gets this stubborn when he's
been drinking."


A jazz musician and a country-western singer, visiting a small dictatorship,
ran foul of the law and were sentenced to death by firing squad.  At dawn,
they were led to a courtyard, where the officer in charge of the squad asked
the singer if he had a last request.
"I'd like to hear six choruses of 'Achy-Breaky Heart'," he replied.

"I think that can be arranged," said the officer.  Then he turned to the
jazz musician.  "And your final request?"

"Please," begged the musician, "shoot me first!"


HUMOURMsg # 228 of 622                 Date: Sun  4/02/1996,  1:15 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: Jokes from the RD.  so there.  suffer BJ

I had one of those intense toothaches that comes and goes over a short
period, so I telephoned my dentist to make an appointment.  Describing the
pain jokingly to Sandy, his receptionist, I told her, "The contractions are
about 40 minutes apart."

"Oh!" she replied immediately, "you're having a *baby* tooth!"


Assisting the auctioneer for a porcelain importer, I displayed items so
buyers could examine them before bidding.  The auctioneer began to describe
a porcelain figure that was hidden behind a large table.  "Here we have the
great god of longevity, certain to bring years of happiness and joy," he

As he spoke, a distinguished looking man approached, seeking a closer
inspection, and elicited shouts from women in the audience.  "I'll take
him!" they yelled.


Every morning I do a combination of yoga and exercises in the living room.
As I was kneeling one day with arms outstretched and head bowed to the
floor, my son came in.  He looked at me and said, "A simple 'Good morning'
will do!"


HUMOURMsg # 229 of 622                 Date: Sun  4/02/1996,  6:52 pm  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: coupla thingies..


A man and a woman were both going to the 40th floor of a building in down
town New York. They got right to floor 39 and the cable snapped.
So as they were falling to their deaths, the woman rips of all her clothes,
throws them away and says
"make me feel like a woman one last time."
so the man rips off all his clothes, throws them to her and says
"Iron these"

Two drunk men were coming out of the pub on friday night, and outside the
door, a large dog was lying down licking its bum.
One man turns to the other and says
"gee I wish I could do that"
the other man replies:
"well, if you throw him a bone he might just let you."

- Delaborde {Russell Dench}
HUMOURMsg # 230 of 622                 Date: Tue 30/01/1996, 10:00 pm  [E]

From: GREY GHOST                 Read: 52 times

     To: BJ THE HUN              Fwd From: :           Flushed  Messages      
Subject: Re: Outer Limits

>>>>>>>Fish fingers.
>>>>>>Rectum scan.
>>>>>Cavity search..
>>>>ok let me just slap on a pair of rubber gloves.  :>
>>>And don't forget the little light..
>> You've done this before I can tellWink
>Many times.. I don't know why I was trained in it though.. I was training to
>be a altar boy..

Very similar occupation.  :>

Reminds me of a joke I once heard....

The local Catholic priest was away on holiday and a young novice priest was
looking after the church while he was away.
To make things easy the elder priest had made up a list of penances for
various sins.All the younger man had to do was look up the relivant sin
during a confession and read it off, six hail Mary's etc.
A young woman came into the confessional and confessed to the young priest
that she had sinned,and that she had performed oral sex.
The young priest seached thru his list but could find no mention of the
penance for "oral sex" so in desperation he called one of the alter boys
over to the confessional and asked "What does father Murphy give for oral
sex?",  "50c and a bag of lollies sir" came the reply.  :>


HUMOURMsg # 231 of 622                 Date: Mon  5/02/1996, 11:21 pm  [E]
From: GREY GHOST                 Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: Joke Smile

The Milkmans last day

The local milkman had his last day on the job last week and found the
attention all a bit much for himself.Everywhere he went his customers of the
last 30 years would call him in for a cup of tea and some scones.

As he approached the last house on his run he took great care not to make
any noise to wake Mrs Moneybags-Smythe for fear of anymore gifts of tea and
scones.Sure enough just as he thought he had finally finished his last house
Mrs Moneybags-Smythe called to him from one of the upstairs windows of her
large Estate."please come in Mr Milkman" she pleaded "I've made a lovely
surprise for you as a fairwell present".

So the milkman staggered his way up the driveway and into the house.Where
apon Mrs Moneybags-Smythe beckoned him up into her bedroom and stood before
him completely naked,she threw herself at him and they made passionate love
for hours.Somewhat surprised at Mrs Moneybags-Smythes behavior as she had
never shown him the slightest bit of interest before he finally tore himself
away from her and proceeded to walk downstairs.

There on the kitchen table was a huge meal of eggs on toast,bacon,marmalade
and a big pot of tea. "please help yourself" said Mrs Moneybags-Smythe.And
so the milkman forced himself to eat another breakfast and when he had
finished he sank down in the chair and sighed. "oh but there is more" said
Mrs Moneybags-Smythe "look under your plate" and so the milkman looked
under his plate and there sat a new $1 coin. "is this for me" he asked her

"Oh yes " she replied,"thats from Mr Moneybags-Smythe.when I told him that
you were retiring after 30 years as our milkman,I suggested to him that we
do something special for you. He said "screw him,give him a dollar!" but the
breakfast was my idea."   Smile


HUMOURMsg # 232 of 622                 Date: Thu  8/02/1996,  2:29 pm  [E]
From: GAVIN CROSS                Read: 44 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :           General  Chatter       
Subject: FUNNY item found in NZ_FUNNY

Hello All!

 Subj : What if Doctor Seuss wrote technical manuals?

> Have a look at this everybody!

Taken from Computer Gaming World mag...

      What if Doctor Seuss wrote technical manuals?

If a packet on a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has and error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir!

If the label on the cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the windows are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet this suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want your RAM to ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!


heheheh Smile


--- FMail 1.02
 * Origin: Smash BBS, WGTN, etc etc (13:666/12)
SEEN-BY: 666/1 2 3 4 8 9 12 14 15 16 150 300

HUMOURMsg # 233 of 622                 Date: Mon 19/02/1996, 12:27 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 37 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

The government of Thailand has instituted a number of measures in its
efforts to eliminate illegal gambling.  One calls for Buddist monks to
refrain from giving tips on winning lottery numbers.
                                                    --Bangkok Post.


On a whim, I consulted a fortune teller at a fair held on our campus.  Most
of her predictions were vague generalities, but I was surprised when she
began describing me with some accuracy, even guessing my career goals.  I
was astounded, however, when she concluded by correctly stating, "You
commute to the university, and live almost thirty kilometres north of here."
She then added, "I see that you take the highway past Edison."

"That's right," I gasped.

"Good," she replied.  "Can you give me a lift home?"


A woman called the electricity department and complained that her power had
failed.  What should she do?  The voice on the other end advised, "Open your
freezer and eat the ice cream."


HUMOURMsg # 234 of 622                 Date: Mon 19/02/1996,  2:38 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 39 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD :>

The clunkers I drive have always made me feel somwhat self-conscious.  The
other day, however, I spotted a forlorn little VW that was in even worse
shape than my own car.  It was covered with dents and mismatched paint, and
something seemed to be wrong with most of its parts.  Across the back of
this long-suffering car, the owner had painted in droopy white letters:
Puff, the Tragic Wagon.


In the office of our student newspaper there are seven computer terminals,
all named after Show White's dwarfs:  Doc, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, etc.  The
printer has a name too:  Handsome Prints.


A motorist was caught in a speed trap and photographed by an automatic
camera while exceeding the speed limit.  Soon after, he received
notification of a fine in the mail, plus a picture of his vehicle with the
date and speed recorded on it.

Duly impressed, he sent back the notification, along with a photo of a $100
note to pay the fine.


Did you hear about the desperado who tried to hijack a bus full of Japanese
tourists?  Fortunately, the police were given 5000 photographs of the


HUMOURMsg # 235 of 622                 Date: Tue 12/03/1996,  6:28 pm  [E]
From: BO PEEP                    Read: 33 times

     To: ALL
Subject: Re: Lunar Humour

>When Apollo Mission astronaut Neil Arnstrong first walked on the moon, he
>not only gave his famous "small step, giant leap" statement but followed it
>by several remarks - usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts and
>Mission contraol. Before he re-entered the lander he made the enigmatic
>remark "Good Luck Mr Gorsky."
>Many people at NASA thought it was a reference to a rival Sov...

(Something strange happned to my PC at that point) continues....

... iet Cosmonaut. However on checking there was no Gorsky in either
Russian or American space programmes. Over the years many people questioned
him as to what the "Good Luck Mr Gorsky" statement meant.

On July 5 while answering questions following a speech a reporter brought up
the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

He finally responded. It seems that Mr Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the
backyard. His brother hit the ball which landed under his neighbour's
bedroom window. The neighbours were Mr & Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to
pick up the ball he heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky.

" Oral sex? You want Oral sex. You'll get Oral sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon!".

HUMOURMsg # 236 of 622                 Date: Sun  3/03/1996, 11:47 pm  [E]
From: FRECKLES                   Read: 49 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :       For Books, Films, etc      
Subject: The Sky is a Limpet

A Pollytickle Parrotty
(Spreach from the prone,by the returnable Mr Selvedge)

Lazies and Jellymen:

As Prime Morning star of this beautiful little commentary it is my pleasure
to undress to you a few verbs. Worst of all I wash to comegrabulate the
Godallment on being the boast godallment in the wild we live in.
We are the Gobblement,and we mean to gullible this contrary. We are growing
to make all stratospheres of the community hoppy,onwards and uppishness into
a void hurting moneybody. We are dizzy bilking a compunitive parody of the
Specific,and we are not going to alloy ourselves to be circumverted by
anybodies.Now then.
 We see be four years today the spentacle of property in the maddest of
plenty. We intent to romedy this. The ambitional social surpluses we are
constiplating will convolvulus in higher intaxication. It is the cistern
that is wrung and nought the indivisable. We have been called ideales and
evasionaries. I reply with all fours of which I am culpable that we are not
versionary,and that on the country our anemones are reaggravationaries,who
wash to embarrass us,and who are merely out to pretext worsted undervests.Of
what do they accurse us? Do they say we are not honours?Do they twistion our
intorquity? We doing a bust to falfoul the mendit we were govern by the
purple,and the purple wool decide at the parrot box weather is bad or
goodbye.Now then.
The sadistics of production show how nursery it is for the devilment of our
sick and dreary industries to be putsched fordward,and we must bill the
nation. Our local malefacturers must be incorriged,and we must do our boast
to increase the voluble prediction of goods. I have recently made a tour of
expection of our fictories,and it is quite fascistmaking to see how they are
crowing by lips and bonds.
Will there be a bludget circus now then? As you have herd in a rodeo
breadcast by my cowlick the Master of Finesse wee hope there will be a
surplice on the Budgie,and if knot we shall have to burrow interminally or
obtain some overseers,butt at present it all deep ends.
 Sins the Jumble Evection of 1935,at which we war successpool,we have been
botching devilopments in foreign afires and we are somewhit consigned abort
the future.For the gyration of our period in offings we shall take port in
all confluences and disgustions on whirled affairs.We owe in continual
constultification with Histrajesty's Garblement in Got Bitten.
 If we wool all go to gather and discussion our difficulties, I am skirting
everything in the gordian will be lively. We are upstage men,we sore onwards
and upstairs,we pie through the sky high up into the crowds,and no poor on
earth can bestir us from getting what we wont.We have learnt our votes and
are going forwards to fine old figtree.Fly up in the sky ideals like it
lumpit on the rocks or fly on the ceiling.  A.R.D. fAIRBURN.

HUMOURMsg # 237 of 622                 Date: Tue 22/08/1995, 11:22 am  [E]
From: DIONYSUS                   Read: 47 times

     To: SKIDMARK                Fwd From: :    For the petrol heads among us!
Subject: Aah yep               1/3

SK>>American culture.
SK>Wish I'd thought of that one... most excellant!!
SK>Spacious interior.

We're going in...

"Free with purchase"
"Happy Monday"
"One size fits all"
"Slow children" (sign with a picture of a running child)
"Thank God I'm an Atheist"
"This page intentionally left blank"
A little big
A new classic
Academic sorority
Accurate stereotype
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Aging yuppie
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
American beer
American chop suey
American education
American English
American geographers
American history
American Honda
Apple tech support
Arms limitation
Art student
Artificial intelligence
Athletic scholarship
Australian spelling
Automated data processing
Back to the future
Bad health
Balding hair
Bankrupt millionaire
Better than new
Boring orgasm
British fashion
Budget deficit
Bug free code
Business ethics
Cafeteria food
California culture
California expressway
Canadian culture
Casual intimacy
Central Intelligence Agency
Centrally-planned economy
Christian education
Christian militia
Christian Scientists
Church of Scientology
Civil engineer
Civil servant
Civil libertarian
Civil war
Classic rock & roll
Clean dirt
Clean hack
Clearly confused
Clearly misunderstood
Clinton leadership
Coca-Cola Foods
Coed fraternity/sorority
Collective liberty
College algebra
College education
Committee schedule
Committee decision
Common sense
Completely unfinished
Compulsory volunteering
Computer science
Computer jock
Computer security
Congressional ethics
Congressional oversight
Conservative Democrat
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Construction worker
Convenience store
Cooperative multitasking
Corporate planning
Cost effective
Country music
Courtesy towing
Creation science
Curved line
Customer satisfaction
CNN style
Debugged program
Debutante ball
Decent lawyer
Degradable plastic
Democratic Congress
Department of the Interior
Desktop publishing
Diet ice cream
Dining hall food
Disco music
Down escalator/elevator
Dress pants
Driving pleasure
Dry beer
Dry ice
Dry wine
DOS operating system
Economic reform
English syntax
Enquiring minds
Environmentalist bumper sticker
Ergonomic keyboard
European Community
Evolutionary fact
Exact estimate
Executive decision
Express bus
Express mail
Fair reporting
Fair trial
Fallout shelter
Family entertainment
Fast food
Federal budget
Fighting for peace
Final version
First annual
First-strike defense
Flexible freeze
Football scholarship
Forth programming language
Found missing
Free election
Free electron laser
Free love
>>> Continued to next message

HUMOURMsg # 238 of 622                 Date: Tue 22/08/1995, 11:22 am  [E]
From: DIONYSUS                   Read: 45 times

     To: SKIDMARK                Fwd From: :    For the petrol heads among us!
Subject: Aah yep               2/3

>>> Continued from previous message
Freezer burn
French culture
Fresh frozen
Friendly advice
Friendly competitor
Friendly fire
Full-length bikini
Full service
Functional manager
Funny clean joke
Fuzzy logic
Gay drill sergeant
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Good mother-in-law
Good Alan Rudolph film
Government aid/assistance
Government efficiency
Government organization
Graduate student
Great Britain
Guest host
Gunboat diplomacy
Half dead
Happily married
Hard disk
Hard water
Hazardous waste disposal
Helicopter flight
Higher education
Holy Roman Empire
Holy War
Honest politician
House Ethics Committee
Huge market niche
Human evolution
Indecent exposure
Industrial park
Institutional Revolutionary Party
Intelligent lifeforms
Internal Revenue Service
IBM compatible
Journalistic accuracy
Journalistic integrity
Jumbo shrimp
Justice Rehnquist
Justice Thomas
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Kosher ham
Lace-up loafers
Lebanese government
Legal brief
Legally drunk
Liberal Party (conservative)
Liberal, Kansas
Liquid crystal
Literal interpretation
Living dead
Long Island Expressway
Male compassion
Management science
Management support
Management action
Management style
Marketing strategy
Married life
Math teacher
Mature student
McDonalds dinner
Medicaid payment
Microsoft Works
Middle East peace process
Military intelligence
Modified final judgement
Moral Majority
Mutual attraction
Mutually exclusive
New Democrat
New Mexico
Nice cat
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Nonworking mother
Now, then
Nuclear defense
Objective parent
Oddly appropriate
Operating system
Operation Rescue
Pacific Ocean
Paperless office
Partly pregnant
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace officer
PeaceMaker missile
People's Democratic Republic Of Yemen
Personal computer
Petty cash
Plastic glasses
Pocket calculator
Police protection
Polite cabbie
Political leadership
Political science
Politically correct
Poor Republican
Pop art
Portable standard Lisp
Postal Service
Pot luck
Precision bombing
Presidential promises
Pretty ugly
Private e-mail
Productivity committee
Professional courtesy
Progressive Conservative
Proprietary standard
Public school education
Quality assurance
Quality service
Quebec intellectual
Quick fix
Quick reboot
R & D
Rap music
Rapid transit
Rare steak
Reagan memoirs
Real fantasy
Realistic schedule
Realtime computing
Reasonable female
Recently new
Reckless caution
Red Indians
Relativistic correction
Religious education
Religious fact
Religious tolerance
Religious science
>>> Continued to next message

HUMOURMsg # 239 of 622                 Date: Tue 22/08/1995, 11:22 am  [E]
From: DIONYSUS                   Read: 46 times

     To: SKIDMARK                Fwd From: :    For the petrol heads among us!
Subject: Aah yep               3/3

>>> Continued from previous message
Republican initiative
Responsible committee
Restrained grandparent
Rolling stop
Rush hour
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Satisfied Democrat
Saving price
Savings & loan
School food
Scottish Danish (actual pastry sold at 7-11)
Sedate sex
Semi truck
Semi-boneless ham
Senate Ethics Committee
Sensitive male
Severely/slightly killed
Silent scream
Smart bomb
Smart drugs
Social Security
Social science
Soft rock
Software documentation
Software engineering
Solid glass
Southern justice
Spare rib
Sports sedan
Stealth bomber
Straight hook
Student teacher
Summer school
Supporting documentation
Sweet sorrow
Swiss Steak
Synthetic natural gas
Tame cat
Taped live
Tax return
Television critic
Temporary tax increase
Terminal initialization
Tight slacks
True gossip
True story
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Unbiased journalism
Unbiased news reports
Unbiased opinion
Unbiased predisposition
Uncontested divorce
Understanding banker
Understanding UNIX
Union workers
United States
University of Nevada at Las Vegas
UNIX security
User friendliness
User-friendly war
Vegetable beef soup
Ventura Freeway
Violent agreement
Virtual reality
Voting power
Waiting patiently
War games
Wilderness management
Windows NT (New Technology)
Wonder Bread
Woods Metal
Working vacation
Young Floridian
Yummy sushi
10K fun run
6502-based computer

   °±² Sam Vilain ²±°

HUMOURMsg # 240 of 622                 Date: Fri 29/09/1995,  8:26 pm  [E]
From: GREY GHOST                 Read: 42 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :    For the petrol heads among us!
Subject: Bla Bla Bla

Things that make you go hmmmmm


The one -piece jigsaw puzzle
The inflatable dart board for campers
An index for the dictionary
Waterproof teabags
A floodlit sundial for telling the time at night
A unisex maternity hospital
Boil-in-the-bag cornflakes
The solar powered torch
Waterproof hairdryer for the shower.


Charles Bailey told a magistrate in Cambridge that he had only made an
illegal U-turn on a motorway because he had missed his turn off and did'nt
want to be late for his final session of a drivers improvement course being
run by the police.


THOUGHT FOR TODAY- Remember that the toes you step on today could well be
  attached to the legs that support the arse you need to kiss tomorrow!


The really nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete
surprise and is not preceeded by long periods of worry and self doubt.


HUMOURMsg # 241 of 622                 Date: Wed 27/03/1996,  5:19 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the R.D.

During World War II, a German officer visited Pablo Picasso's studio and saw
a sketch of Guernica, Picasso's graphic painting of the Nazis' horrific
devastation of the Spanish town.  "Did you do this?" the officer asked,
obviously disgusted.
"No," Picasso replied.  "You did."



HUMOURMsg # 242 of 622                 Date: Wed 27/03/1996,  6:04 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: And more.

My grandfather, known for his off-beat sense of humour, adopted a dog he
named Mr Peeve.  I took the bait.  "How come you gave him that name?" I
asked.  "It's very simple," Grandfather replied.  "This is my pet, Peeve."


I bought my sons a rabbit after they promised they would take care of it.
As usual, I ended up with the responsibility.  One evening, exasperated, I
asked, "How many times do you think that rabbit would have died if I hadn't
looked after it?"  My 12-year-old replied, "Once."



HUMOURMsg # 243 of 622                 Date: Thu 28/03/1996,  7:55 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour from the RD :>

When workmen came to demolish our old veranda and build a new one, they had
a number of tools that needed to be plugged into the power point in our
house.  Each morning, we'd open the door for them to slip an extension cord
through the mail slot, and later in the day they would unplug it.

Early one afternoon , they knocked on the door to say they had to hire a
piece of equipment that was available only at seven the next morning.  "If
you don't mind," said one of the men, "we'd like to leave this cord through
the slot tonght so we won't have to wake you up when we plug in the
jackhammer in the morning.


A grasshopper walks into a bar.  The barman says, "Hey, they named a drink
after you!"

"Really?" replies the grasshopper.  "Do you mean there's a drink called


I came home from work one day to find my wife, JoLynn, cradling our
six-month-old daughter and repeating, "Da-da, Da-da."  How sweet, I thought
to myself, for her to choose Daddy as our baby's first word.  Several weeks
later, JoLynn and I were wakened by a small voice crying, "Da-da."  Turning
over to go back to sleep, my wife said, "She's calling you, dear."


HUMOURMsg # 244 of 622                 Date: Thu 28/03/1996,  8:31 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: funnies from the RD :>:>

My sister, a nurse in our local casualty ward, recently attended to a farmer
who had broken his arm.  He was asked how it had happened.

Earlier in the day, he said, he'd felt a stone inside his boot.  Trying to
shift it to a more comfortable position, he leaned against the main fuse box
in the dairy while he shook his leg.

Just then a worker walked in and, seeing the farmer with his hand on the
fuse box and shaking violently, picked up a fence post and struck his arm
as hard as he could to break the contact.


I had parked my car in the supermarked parking area and was walking past an
empty trolley when I heard a female voice say, "Are you using that trolley?"

"No," I answered, "I'm only after one thing."

As I walked towards the store, I heard the woman murmur, "Typical male."



My father, who always likes to introduce my sister to eligible bachelors,
was hoping to impress her with a description of someone he wanted to bring
home to dinner one night.

"He's an outdoorsman," Dad told my sister. "He likes to hunt and camp.  He
is tall with a full beard and a hairy chest."

At that point, my siste asked, "And does he occasionally walk erect?"


HUMOURMsg # 245 of 622                 Date: Fri 29/03/1996, 10:42 pm  [E]
From: PRIVATE PAARTZ             Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: Funnies

Three little kids were sitting around after school boasting about how cool
their fathers are at smoking.

The first kid says, "My Dad's so cool, he can blow smoke rings out of his

The second kids says, "Yeah, well MY Dad's cooler, 'cos he can blow smoke
rings out of his NOSE!"

The first kid was quite impressed.

The third kid says, "That's NOTHIN'! My Dad's the coolest! 'Cos he can blow
smoke rings out of his bum... I know 'cos I've seen the nicotine stains in
his undies!"

Big Grin}

HUMOURMsg # 246 of 622                 Date: Sat 30/03/1996,  1:14 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

At the dinner table, Dad declared that he didn't care for the trifle Mum had
made for dessert.  "But you like cake and jam and jelly and custard," said
Mum.  "Why won't you eat them together?  You're such a fuss!"

"That doesn't make me a fuss," Dad insisted.  A discussion arose on the use
of the word, and I decided to settle the argument.  We all laughed as I read
out the definition of the word 'fuss' from our dictionary:  One who worries
about trifles.


Jim Watt, former world lightweight boxing champion, was asked what he would
like on his tombstone.   He replied:  "Count as long as you like - I'm not
getting up this time."


I am terrified of bats, and lived in fear for the two years the creatures
were getting into our attic.  When some wall boards came loose in our
garage, I asked my husband to fix it immediately to avoid any more 'bat'

Our freezer is in the garage, and just as he was about to repair the wall, I
remembered I hadn't taken any meat out for dinner.  "While you're down
there," I said to my husband, "grab a couple of steaks, will you?"

He looked at me tolerantly and asked, "To drive through their little

HUMOURMsg # 247 of 622                 Date: Sat 30/03/1996,  3:45 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: Still more from the RD

When I took my young grandson, who is learning to read, to the supermarket,
he picked up a packet of pantyhose from my trolley.  "Q-U-E-E-N S-I-Z-E," he
read aloud.  Then he looked at me.  "Grandma," he said, to the amusement of
everyone nearby, "you're the same size as our mattress!"


I once worked on the front desk of a hotel that hosted a convention of
Mensa, a group whose prerequisite for membership is a high IQ.  On one
occasion, a member asked me a question, and in replying I addressed him by
name.  "Young lady," he said in amazement, "how did you remember my name
among the hundreds of people here?"

"Sir," I confessed, "I read your name tag."


HUMOURMsg # 248 of 622                 Date: Sat 30/03/1996,  5:10 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: More... finishing off another RD :>

One day, my sister and her five-year-old daughter visited my house, and my
huge dog came out to greet them.  Seeing her daughter back away, my sister
said, "Don't be afraid.  The dog knows you."

"Oh yeah?" answered the child.  "Tell him to say my name."


When an increased patient load began to overwhelm our hospital's emergency
room, we introduced a triage system to ensure that the most critical people
were treated first.  However, some of the less seriously ill patients
occasionally had to wait as long as several hours before they could be seen.
Complaints were common.

One day trauma cases abounded, and the wait was particularly long.  A
policeman came in and approached the desk.  "I hate to tell you this," he
said apologetically, "but we just got a 111 call from your waiting room."


A new and inexperience waitress was concerned about whether she would be
able to carry heavy trays and serve from them.  A co-worker explained that
there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.

The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterwards
asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right.  "It was fine,
dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now.  Could she
please have her walking frame back?"


HUMOURMsg # 249 of 622                 Date: Mon  1/04/1996,  1:24 pm  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: New Joke ??

What's the difference between a big mac and a blow job?


HUMOURMsg # 250 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/04/1996,  2:28 pm  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 31 times  [1 Reply]

     To: BJ THE HUN
Subject: Re: New Joke ??

>whats the difference between a big mac and a blow job ?

You don't know huh, well what are you doing for lunch tomorrow ?


HUMOURMsg # 251 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/04/1996,  5:43 pm  [E]
From: BJ THE HUN                 Read: 30 times

     To: WIMP OUT!
Subject: Re: New Joke ??

>>whats the difference between a big mac and a blow job ?
>You don't know huh, well what are you doing for lunch tomorrow ?

Bj quietly skips the message..


HUMOURMsg # 252 of 622                 Date: Thu  4/04/1996, 12:24 am  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: Mad cow disease

Two cows are standing together in a field talking.

One says to the other, "I'm a bit worried about this Mad Cow disease

The other cow replies, "It doesn't affect me... I'm a duck."


HUMOURMsg # 253 of 622                 Date: Thu 11/04/1996,  9:49 pm  [E]
From: PRIVATE PAARTZ             Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Totally non-discriminating joke - sorta.

NB: The opinions expressed in this joke are not those of the sysop of this
Bulletin Board, nor are they concurrent with the opinions of the supplier of
this joke. There I am totally without any guilt for posting this joke in
this get stuffed Wink

Q. Why did GOD invent lesbians?

A. To prevent leftist feminists from breeding!!

....well I thought it was good!!


HUMOURMsg # 254 of 622                 Date: Fri 12/04/1996,  2:44 pm  [E]
From: PRIVATE PAARTZ             Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Sweet innocense...

My friends daughter came up to me the other day while I was visiting
around there place. "Uncle Paul, what does sex mean?", she asks, unabashed.

Startled, I reply "Er, um, well...", then I decided it was probably best to
tell the full story....she was 7 and I've been her "uncle" for a few years with no beating around the bush, I explained everything I knew
about r%$ting to my friends daughter.

At the end of my spiel I asked "Why do you ask?"

And wee dear replies "'Cos Mum says lunch will be ready in a couple of

And it's the God honest truth !!!!  Wink


HUMOURMsg # 255 of 622                 Date: Fri 12/04/1996,  2:53 pm  [E]
From: PRIVATE PAARTZ             Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Bad asthma man!

I was walking down this dimly lit alley on the way to my car the other
night, and came across this bloke lying down, breathing heavily, so I
went to give him some help...
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Had an asthma attack," the bloke groaned.
"How bad?" I asked.
"Real bad! Three asthmatics jumped me and took my wallet!"




HUMOURMsg # 256 of 622                 Date: Sat 20/04/1996, 10:58 am  [E]
From: BOGEY                      Read: 24 times

     To: All
Subject: Joke

The Addams Family are putting out a new single based on a popular Queen
song.  It's called "Crazy Little Love Called Thing"



HUMOURMsg # 257 of 622                 Date: Mon 22/04/1996,  7:20 am  [E]
From: TREKKER                    Read: 23 times

     To: All
Subject: Microsoft (again)

Microsoft's damage control department was in action again last month when a
new Windows 95 bug wasn reported, although the folks at Redmond have more
than 100 years to solve the problem.

Apparently, computers using Win95 as an operating system at the end of 2099
will find their system clocks reverting back to 1980 when 2100 kicks in.

Kevin Burke, manager of Date-Related problems at Microsoft, was given the
job of finding a solution to the dilemma.  Burke's department decided to
raffle off a copy of MS Flight Simulator and invest the money raised.

According to Burke, by the time MS has to start providing users with
technical support for the system clock "bug" there will be plenty of funds
available to cover the costs involved.

In the year 2099, the $US49 invested is expected to be worth $US8.3 million.

HUMOURMsg # 258 of 622                 Date: Fri 19/04/1996,  3:55 pm  [E]
From: JIM PAYNE                  Read: 26 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :       FidoNet:  Ask The Doctor   
Subject: the bust


When fashion says, as fashion must,
That females should expose the bust,
How odd will be the sights we'll see,
Such infinite variety.
From tiny buds not yet in bloom,
To those which fill up half the room.
But first let's start off with the flats,
With ribs on view like building slats.
The teenage girls will set the craze,
By giving "half an egg" displays.
And then, improving on the view,
There'll be the orange, cut in two.
So now there comes the classic type,
Round and cushioned, soft and ripe.
The perky ones deserve a line
Pointing upwards all the time.
Upsetting to the manly sight,
One points left, and one points right.
And then there's one takes so much space,
How can the other keep its place.
And so we come round to the flaps
Like spaniel's ears or razor straps.
The double chins, the pigeon toes,
The blusher and the purple nose.
Then jewels pendant from the ends
Will add to fashion's topless trends.
The only common factor sees
Will be the upright cleft between,
As long as there are two abreast,
Who is to say which sort is best.
The great advantage is, I feel,
At least we'll know that they are real.

--- Maximus/2 3.01
 * Origin: ===  NZMC Maxie BBS.  Ak, NZ +64 9 444-0989 === (3:772/1)
SEEN-BY: 771/160 290 300 320 1450 1580 772/1 10 20 30 40 125 140 270
SEEN-BY: 772/380 500 1620 774/605

HUMOURMsg # 259 of 622                 Date: Thu  2/05/1996,  4:37 pm  [E]
From: TRACE WARD                 Read: 22 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :      FidoNet:  MS Dos Help/Info  
Subject: A little Abort Retry Fail Poem


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!  Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insisted
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
>From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will  one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Origin uncertain.
Hope you enjoyed it nonetheless.
Geoff   VK4DU

--- Blue Wave/Max v2.12 [NR]
 * Origin: ET IN ARCADIA EGO (3:775/90)
SEEN-BY: 770/115 771/160 210 290 300 320 1450 1560 772/1 20 120 135
SEEN-BY: 772/205 350 380 460 774/0 10 50 100 110 115 120 135 160 195
SEEN-BY: 774/290 300 400 450 605 650 700 750 900 1200 1400 1500 775/30
SEEN-BY: 775/50 90 120 470 776/10

HUMOURMsg # 260 of 622                 Date: Fri  3/05/1996,  7:48 am  [E]
From: JOHN L COATES              Read: 26 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :      FidoNet:  MS Dos Help/Info  
Subject: Computer Sales Jargon

Browsing thru back issues of PC mags - came across this in PC WORLD
(NZ) August 1995

Computer Sales Jargon

New             Different colour from previous design

All New         Parts not interchangeable with previous design

Design Simplicity    Manufacturer's costs cut to the bone

Advanced Design      The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

Direct Sales Only    Factory had a big argument with the distributor

Revolutionary        The hard disk spins

Futuristic            No practical logic behind the design

Meets All Standards   Ours, not yours

Broadcast Quality    Gives a picture and produces a noise

Customer Service Across
The Country                 You can return it from most airports

Unprecedented Performance   Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

Satisfaction Guaranteed     Manufacturer's - upon cashing your check

Microprocessor Controlled   Does things we can't explain

Latest Aerospace Technology   One of our techs was laid off by Boeing


--- Blue Wave/RA v2.30 [NR]
 * Origin: Midnight Express.  New Plymouth N.Z. (3:775/30)
SEEN-BY: 770/115 771/160 210 290 300 320 1450 1560 772/1 20 120 135
SEEN-BY: 772/205 350 380 460 774/0 10 50 100 110 115 120 135 160 195
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SEEN-BY: 775/50 90 120 470 776/10

HUMOURMsg # 261 of 622                 Date: Wed  8/05/1996, 10:29 am  [E]
From: WITCH WON                  Read: 28 times

     To: ALL
Subject: PI

   Good morning All,

   This little piece was found in the Evening Post and sent to me.  I
thought that someone out there might enjoy it.

Counting new sum is just pi in the sky
By Nigel Hawkes - The Times

A Japanese professor has stolen the march on American rivals by calculating
the value of pi to more than six billion decimal places.
Bewildering to most loutsiders, the long rivalry between Yasumasa Kanada of
the University of Tokyo and the Chudnovsky brothers of Columbia University
in New York has published the value of pi to undreamed-of extremes.
Since pi - the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter - is
a number without end, the struggle for supremacy could go on for ever.  But
Professor Kanada has taken the lead, checking all 6,442,450,000 decimal
places by carrying out the calculation in two ways, each of which took
about five days on a HITAC S3800/480 computer.
The calculation of pi is as old as mathematics.  The Babylonians and the
Egyptians used fractions to approximate its value.  Many people can
remember that it begins 3.14159 and then lose interest.  But not
pi-fanatics, some of whom have spent their lives calculating the mysterious
number ever more precisely.
By the early 18th century, pi had been found to 100 decimal places, and a
million decimal places was achieved by two French mathematicians in 1973. 
David and Gregory Chudnovsky were the first past a billion places, in 1989.
Knowing pi this accurately is of no imaginable value.  Dr. Roger Webster of
Sheffield University points out that just 39 places of decimals are
sufficient to calculate the circumference of a circle girding the known
universe to within the radius of the hydrogen atom.
In Professor Kanada's firstr six billion places, the digits occur with
almost equal frequency.  The commonest is one, with 600,033,260
appearances, while the least frequent is four, with 599,957,439.  The
string 123456789 occurs five times, while 987654321 occurs just three
times.  The first nine digits of pi itself, 314159265, occur seven times.
Does it matter?  Not much, but it is a good way of testing the power of new
Professor Kanada has said he enjoys calculating pi "because it's there". 
But it would be unwise to try to recite his latest result.  At one digit
per second, without stopping, it would take about 200 years.

     Witch Won.

PS  Sorry for the lack of layout, it seems to have gotten lost in the
conversion somewhere.

HUMOURMsg # 262 of 622                 Date: Wed  8/05/1996,  4:22 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD.

On a colleague's desk at our office were several trays bearing labels such
as 'New Business,' 'Projects' and 'Pending.'  One was called 'Scarlett
O'Hara.'  I wondered what its significance was but didn't inquire.  Then our
department was notified that the company would be going out of business.

The next morning, I noticed a newly marked tray:  'Rhett Butler.'  I could
no longer contain my curiousity and asked the colleague about these two desk
trays.  "The one marked Scarlett O'Hara is for work I intend to 'think about
tomorrow,'" she explained, "and the Rhett Butler basket is for work that,
well, 'frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn about.'"


At the court where I work, I once received a phone call from a woman who
asked to have her jury duty postponed.  "I want to do my civic duty," she
said, "but I really think you should inform the judge that you also sent my
mother a jury summons.   If we're both selected to serve on a case, it's
going to be a hung jury for sure!"  Her request was soon approved.


On an article about record rainfall and flooding:  "H2 Woah!"

On a news item:  "Woman presses suit against dry cleaner."

News Flash:  "Another allergy season coming achoo."

On an item describing evacuation of residents near erupting volcano:
"Hawaiians told 50 ways to leave your lava."


There was an aquarium containing a turtle and a frog in the children's
section of our public library.  One day, I noticed that the frog was
missing.  "The turtle ate him," the librarian explained.  "He was with us
such a short time that we had to name him posthumously.  We called him
Hopalong Casualty."


Ever since my Aunt Mildred was a child, she wanted to have a black cat named
Midnight.  When one of the cats on her farm had a litter, she got her wish,
except that the kitten had a little patch of white fur under the chin.  She
decided that Midnight was inappropriate because it wasn't totally black.
Instead, she named it 11.45.


HUMOURMsg # 263 of 622                 Date: Wed  8/05/1996,  4:38 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: And more...

A friend of mine needed an operation, and his own son was to perform the
surgery.  As the older man lay on the operating table awaiting anaesthesia,
he said to his offspring, "John, to put this in proper perspective, I want
you to know that if anything happens to me, your mother is going to live
with you."



HUMOURMsg # 264 of 622                 Date: Sat 11/05/1996,  5:37 pm  [E]
From: TRACE WARD                 Read: 30 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :      FidoNet:  MS Dos Help/Info  
Subject: Some terms

Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle

When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like
"data input" and "beta version."  They confused me.  I wanted desperately
to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the
computer industry.

Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years,
I've gained an insider's perspective.  I decided to share my knowledge
with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha.  Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user
feedback.  Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta.  Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer.  Instrument of torture.  The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist.  In a plot to overthrow
Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a  German ally and offered his
invention as a gift to the surly dictator.  The plot worked.
On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format"
error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's
death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU.  Central propulsion unit.  The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel
that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286,
a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Default Directory.  Black hole.  Default directory is where all files
that you need disappear to.

Error message.  Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame
on users for the program's shortcomings.

File.  A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -
except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric
shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware.  Collective term for any computer-related object that can
be kicked or battered.

Help.  The feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate
through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from
without learning anything.

Input/Output.  Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible
data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release.  A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory.  Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety,
and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer.  A joke in poor taste.  A printer consists of three main parts:
the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers.  Computer avengers.  Once members of that group of high
school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons,
and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create
"user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual.  Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date.  A carefully calculated date determined by
estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly.  Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept
that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users.  Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
  - Novice Users.  People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
    might break their computer.
  - Intermediate Users.  People who don't know how to fix their computer
    after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
  - Expert Users.  People who break other people's computers.

--- Blue Wave/Max v2.12 [NR]
 * Origin: ET IN ARCADIA EGO (3:775/90)
SEEN-BY: 770/115 771/160 210 290 300 320 1450 1560 772/1 20 120 135
SEEN-BY: 772/205 350 380 460 774/0 10 50 100 110 115 120 135 160 195
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SEEN-BY: 775/50 90 120 776/10

HUMOURMsg # 265 of 622                 Date: Sat 18/05/1996, 12:28 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: An oldie from the RD :>

"I'm so depressed and I can't get any dates," the 135-kilo man told his
doctor.  "I've tried everything to lose weight."

"I think I can help," said the doctor.  "Be dressed and ready to go tomorrow
at 8 am."

Next morning, a beautiful woman in a skintight tracksuit knocked on the
man's door.  "If you can catch me, you can have me," she said, as she took
off.  He huffed and puffed after her.

This routine went on every day for the next five months.  The man lost more
than 50 kilos and felt confident that he would finally catch the woman the
next day.  That morning, he whipped open his front door and found a 135-kilo
woman in a tracksuit waiting for him.  "The doctor told me," she said,
"that if I can catch you, I can have you."


Two vampire bats wake in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.  One
says, "Lets fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one.  "It's dark out there, and we don't
know where to look.  We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them?  I can find some blood somewhere."
He flies out of the cave.  When he returns, he is covered with blood.

"Where did you get the blood?" asks the other bat.  The first bat takes his
friend to the mouth of the cave.  Pointing into the night, he asks, "See
that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."


Driving down a winding country road, a man came upon a youth running hard,
three huge dogs snarling at his heels.  The man screeched his car to a halt
and threw open the door.  "Get in!" he shouted.

"Thanks," gasped the youth.  "You're terrific.  Most people won't offer me a
lift when they see I've got three dogs!"


HUMOURMsg # 266 of 622                 Date: Sat 18/05/1996, 12:37 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: And more...

While in a toy shop, my husband and I overheard a mother and her small
daughter discussing dolls.  What does this one do?" the child would ask.
The mother would answer, "It talks," or "It wets," or "It crys."

The dolls were rather expensive, so the mother tried to direct her little
girl's interest towards an ordinary one that was more reasonably priced.
"Does it do anything?" the child asked.

"Yes," the mother replied.  "It listens."

The little girl reached eagerly for the doll.


When I was a young announcer conducting a fund-raising appeal on our local
television station, a woman called in and told the phone operator that she
would donate $100 if I shaved off my beard.  I agreed to help the cause and
came back clean-shaven the next night.

The cheque arrived the following day - from my mother.


HUMOURMsg # 267 of 622                 Date: Sat 18/05/1996,  1:00 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

Driving in the country, a man collided with a truck carrying a horse.  A few
months later, the man sought damages for pain and suffering.  "How can you
now claim to have all these injuries?" asked the insurance company's
lawyer. "According to the police report, at the time you said you were not

"Look," the man replied.  "I was lying on the road in a lot of pain, and I
heard someone say the horse had a broken leg.  The next thing I know, this
policeman pulls out his gun and shoots the horse.  Then he turns to me and
asks, 'Are you OK?'"


One surgeon to another:  "Think *you* have problems?  Tomorrow I'm operating
on a malpractice lawyer!"


Our chief financial officer was giving a tour of corporate headquarters to a
special group of senior executives from whose bank we had recently received
a loan.  As he came to the jewel of the tour, the computer centre that had
been financed with the bank's help, he proudly pointed to a small metal box
on the wall next to the entrance.

"This box," he boasted, "is part of our new security system.  The only way
to gain admittance to the computer room is by inserting a properly encoded
card in the slot."  He pressed a button next to the box, and a buzzer

His face went pale when a voice from the other side of the door shouted,
"Come on in.  It's open!"


A man entered my father's diesel repair shop, and said he was a driver from
a trucking fleet and suggested, "How about adding a few extra parts to the
bill?  We'll let the company pay for it, and you can I can split the

Dad refused, but the customer was insistent.  "I come through here a lot,"
the man continued.  "We could make quite a bit of money."  Dad said that
wasn't how he operated.

"Everyone does it!" the man yelled.  "Are you some kind of fool?"  Furious,
Dad asked him to leave and take his business elsewhere.  It was then that
the man smiled and extended his hand for a handshake.  "I own a trucking
company," he said.  "I've been looking for a mechanic I can trust, and I'm
not taking my business anywhere else!"


HUMOURMsg # 268 of 622                 Date: Sun 19/05/1996, 10:48 am  [E]
From: BOGEY                      Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: Win95 jokes

What's the difference between Win95 and the Goodyear blimp?

The Goodyear blimp takes less than thirty minutes to load.

What's the difference between Win95 and Russia?

Russia's system only crashes once every sixty years.

What's the difference between Win95 and Madonna?

Win95 operates on fewer desktops.

What's the difference between Win95 and the Titanic?

The Titanic had fewer operating manuals.


HUMOURMsg # 269 of 622                 Date: Mon 20/05/1996,  9:39 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: More.. coz BJ hates them ;>

Invariably my husband would be away at work when a neighbour would call to
tell me that Heidi, our milk cow, was in their flower bed.  It would be my
task to walk her back home with a lead rope and to fix the broken fence.

One one occasion, I couldn't find a rope, so I used an extnesion cord
instead.  It didn't work very well.  Heidi tossed her head and repeatedly
threw me off-balance in the loose gravel.  She pushed against me, forcing me
into the muddy ditch, and bumped me with her horn, bruising my arm.

She was just beginning to rub my rib cage against a row of letterboxes when
I saw my neighbour leaning against his gate, watching my struggle.  "That's
a pretty lively cow you got there, Farmer Rose," he commented, "considering
she isn't even plugged in."


Our dog, Mr Hoover, suddenly began barking daily around 4 am.  Irritated and
sleepy, my husband, John, searched around the back yard for what might have
disturbed this otherwise placid animal.  For three days, he found nothing
amiss.  Then the dog woke up the neighbourhood again with frantic barking.

When John looked out of the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles
to land near Mr Hoover.  John hurried outside and found the culprit.
Crouched on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbour, the last
man you'd suspect of wrongdoing.  My husband demanded to know what he was
doing.  "My mother-in-law is staying with us," the embarrassed neighbour
explained.  "She says that if she loses her beauty sleep another night,
she'll leave."


Devotees of Lewis Carroll, author of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland,
appear to have discovered the role model for the Cheshire Cat, whose grin
remained when its body disappeared.

The riddle was solved when Joel Birenbaum, a member of the Lewis Carroll
Society, knelt at the altar of St Peter's Church in Croft, North Yorkshire,
where the author worshipped as a boy.  Looking up, he saw a small smiling
cat crudely carved in stone relief on a wall panel.  As he moved downward,
it began to vanish from view, until all he could see was the strange grin on
the creature's face.


HUMOURMsg # 270 of 622                 Date: Mon 20/05/1996, 10:52 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD :>

Upon opening the letterbox one morning, I found the biggest, ugliest spider
I'd ever seen on top of the mail.  After a brief bout of screaming, I got my
son's plastic cricket bat and began pounding the letters, unaware of my
neighbour's interest until he commented, "I see you got your phone bill


His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but my stepfather
refused to get rid of it.  When the bomb was stolen one day, the family was
delighted.  Nonetheless, we called the police.

Our relief was short-lived.  Within an hour, an officer rang us.  "It wasn't
taken very far," he said, trying to restrain his mirth.  "It had a note on
it:  'Thanks anyway - we'd rather walk.'"


Someone placed this note on the bulletin board at my university:  "Whoever
found a Canon Programmable calculator Model F73P in room 118, please return
it as it will be of no use to you without the instruction manual.   You can
leave it at the Student Council Office.  Reward is negotiable."

Under that note, somebody placed another one saying:  "To the person who
found the Canon Programmable calculator Model F73P, I have an instruction
manual for sale.  Call ------."


Listening to the radio, I heard the disc jockey announce, "This next record
is for Pete Malloy, who is one hundred and eleven years old."

There was a pause, and then "My goodness, that *is* old, isn't it!"

Another pause.  "Oh, I'm sorry.  I got that wrong.  This next record is for
Pete Malloy, who is ill."


HUMOURMsg # 271 of 622                 Date: Sat 18/05/1996,  4:47 pm  [E]

From: TRACE WARD                 Read: 28 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :      FidoNet:  MS Dos Help/Info  
Subject: Error Codes <grin>

WINDOWS 95 ERROR CODES 9 Released ( 17-05-96 )

     WindowError:001 Windows loaded.  System in danger.
     WindowError:002 No error . . . yet.
     WindowError:003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every
     WindowError:004 Erronious error.  Nothing wrong.
     WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted.  System confused.
     WindowError:008 Broken window.  Watch for glass fragments.
     WindowError:009 Horrible bug encounterd.  What has happened?
     WindowError:00B Inadequate disk space.  Need 50 meg minimum.
     WindowError:00C Memory hog error.  More ram needed.  More!  More!
     WindowError:00D Window closed.  Do not look out.
     WindowError:00E Window open, do not look in.
     WindowError:00F Unexplained error.  Please tell us how it happened.
     WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
     WindowError:014 Nonexistent error.  This cannot really be happening.
     WindowError:015 Unable to exit windows.  Try the door.
     WindowError:016 Door locked.  Try control-alt-delete
     WindowError:017 Keyboard locked.  Try anything you can think of.
     WindowError:018 Unrecoverable error.  System destroyed.
     WindowError:019 User error.  It's not our fault.  Is not!  Is not!
     WindowError:01A Operating system overwritten.  Terribly sorry.
     WindowError:01B Illegal error.  Do not get this error.
     WindowError:01C Uncertainty error.  Uncertainty may be inadequate.
     WindowError:01D Unable to figure out our own code.  System crashed.
     WindowError:01E Timing error.  Please wait.  And wait.  And wait.
     WindowError:020 Error recording error codes.  Remaining errors lost.

--- Blue Wave/Max v2.20 [NR]
 * Origin: ET IN ARCADIA EGO (3:775/90)
SEEN-BY: 770/115 771/160 210 290 300 320 1450 1560 772/1 20 120 135
SEEN-BY: 772/205 350 380 460 774/0 10 50 100 110 115 120 135 160 195
SEEN-BY: 774/290 300 400 450 605 650 700 750 900 1200 1400 775/30
SEEN-BY: 775/50 90 120 776/10

HUMOURMsg # 272 of 622                 Date: Wed 22/05/1996, 12:36 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

As an obstetrics nurse, I was doing a routine check of the yet-to-be-born
baby's heart rate.  This simple test involves a small, transistorised device
that amplifies the foetal heartbeat for all in the room to hear.  Imagine
the staff's surprise when, instead of amplifying the heartbeat, the machine
picked up a local radio station.  From the labouring woman's abdomen came a
rich baritone voice crooning "Please Release Me."


My daughter and her new husband work for a computer company.  After the
wedding reception, I saw their car, complete with tins tied to the rear
bumper - and also this message:  "Recently Interfaced."


Aunt Mary, a no-nonsense traditionalist, had named her six children Kathy,
Bob, Bill, Pat, Jim and Beth.  I considered these choices much too ordinary,
and anticipated a lecture when I told her I planned to name my first child

"Let me tell you how to name babies," said Aunt Mary in her down-to-earth
fashion.  "Go to the back door and yell the name at the top of your lungs
half a dozen times.  That's how you're going to hear it for the next 15
years.  If you still like it, use it."

I named the baby Jeffrey.


HUMOURMsg # 273 of 622                 Date: Thu 23/05/1996,  8:26 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

I work for a forklift company, and printed on the side of our van is
MATERIAL HANDLING SPECIALIST.  I was on a service call when a girl driving a
delivery truck stopped and asked if I made house calls, and if she had to
make an appointment.

Puzzled, I went around the van and discovered the open sliding door had
partially covered the first two words of our advertisement, which now read


After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I
dialled it - and got a woman.  "Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him that his girlfriend phoned," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I rang again.  This time, a man answered.
"Mike speaking," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied.  "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the
past half an hour."


While a friend of mine was working at a flying school, a student pilot,
thinking that the engine of his aircraft was not running smoothly, wrote in
the logbook:  "Engine missing."  After the aircraft had been inspected, a
mechanic added his comment:  "Cowling removed - engine found."


HUMOURMsg # 274 of 622                 Date: Sat  2/09/1995,  3:34 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 346 times

     To: All                     Fwd From: :IMPORTANT information about the BB
Subject:        ** Letter to Chirac! **

 An open letter to M. Jacques Chirac:

 Mon cher Jack

 Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La acifique
 avec le Frog bombes nuclears.  Je reckon vous must have un spot in La
 Belle France itself pour les explosions.  Le Massive Central?  Le
Quay d'Orsay?  Le Champs Elysees?  Votre own back yard, peut etre?

 Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport!  La guerre cold est fini!
Votres forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beacoup as
poisson need les bicyclettes.
 Un autre point, cobber.  Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash,
 consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy,
Agincourt, Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan, et Dien
Bien Phu.  Un bombe won't change le tradition.  Je/mon pere/ mon grand
pere/le cousing third avec ma grandmere/la plume de ma tante fought
avec votre soldats against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One).  Have vous

 Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de
 l'Australie le curse anciens d'Angleterre - "Damnation to the French"
 - will be heard un autre temps.

 Votre chums don't want that.


HUMOURMsg # 275 of 622                 Date: Wed 19/06/1996,  9:12 am  [E]
From: TREKKER                    Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: Accidents

Fred pulled out to avoid a child, fell off the sofa and strained his ankle.


Remember, ninety percent of the population was caused by accident.


Sign in the Family Plannineg Agency's car park: "Be careful when pulling


The inspector at the bus terminal was checking the schedules with the
drivers: "What time did you pull out this morning?"
  Murphy: "I didn't.  And I'm worried about it."


The Hare Krishna rushed in to telsl the priest:
    "My karma has run over your dogma."


One car had stopped at the lights, the second ran into its rear with a
tinkle of broken headlights.  The odd thing was that the first car was
driven by a vicar and the second by a priest. They were arguing about the
blame when the police arrived on the scene.
  "How fast would you say he was going," interjected Sergeant OFlaherty,
"when he backed into you, Father?"


The truck driver couldn't believe his eyes.  When he rounded a bend, there,
at the bottom of the hill, was a couple making love in the middle of the
He blew the horn.  They didn't stop screwing.
The truck finallyscreeched to a halt barely a hair's breadth from the
humping couple.
The driver got out and demanded an explanation: "What the bloody hell is
going on?"
When the young man recovered he stood up.  "I was coming.  She was coming.
You were coming," he said, "and you were the only one the had brakes."


In a factory accident a worker lost two fingers.  But he didn't notice the
loss until he was saying goodnight to the boss.


A Scot bought a round of drinks at the pub the other night.  He has asked
police to appeal for witnesses to the accident.


The cop arrived on the scene of the accident to find a couple bonking there
heart out on the nature strip.
"My fault," said the blonde  when the cop pulled her off the recovering
"I was giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation when we both got carried


After the car skidded into a tree the first man on the scene found the
driver still behind the wheel, dazed and bleeding.
"How badly are you hurt?" he enquired.
"How the hell should I know," muttered the driver.  "I'm a doctore not a


Ten percent of all accidents are caused by drivers affected by alcohol.
   Which is abnother way of saying 90% of accidents are caused by


A businessman returned to his parked car to find the headlights broken and
damage to the front end.  Stuck under the windscreen wiper he found a note
which read:
  "Hey, man.  I just backed into your car.  The folks that saw the accident
are nodding their approval because they think I'm writing down my name and
other particulars, but I aint."


It was a nasty accident.  A woman who swallowed a razor blade was rusohed to
the emergency ward.  After an X-ray the doctors decided to let nature take
it's course.
 A few months later she eventually passed the razor blade, but in the
meantime she had not only given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and
a hysterectomy, but had also castrated her husaband, circumcised his best
friend, given the vicar a hare lip and cut the finger of a passing


The woman a the cocktail party was intent on making the acquaintance of the
young medical officer.
  "Do you deal with many accidents?" she asked.
  "I really don't know," he repiled.
  "But you are a doctor, what do you mean you don't know?"
  "How could I," he said.  "My field is obstetrics."


More tomorrow.  If you have any requests for topics, feel free to let me


HUMOURMsg # 276 of 622                 Date: Thu 20/06/1996,  9:23 am  [E]
From: TREKKER                    Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: Advertisements


Bi-Sexual man aged 40 seeks young married couple.


Lost.  Antique cameo brooch depicting Adam and Eve in St Kiled Saturday


Ad in a tourist guide: Accomodation, Bed & Breakfast, $60.  Mrs Frampton,


For Sale:  Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.  Never been opened.
Wife knows everything.


Lost dog. Has three legs, blind in left eye, right ear missing, broken tail,
no teeth, recently castrated.  Answers to Lucky.


Girl wanted for petrol pump attendant.


It pays to advertise.  A salesman found himself in a country town overnight
where the only excitement appeared to be watching the clothes go round in
the laundromat.
  Out of sheer boredom he opened the Gideon Bible supplied in all the motel
  On the flyleaf was the message:  "If thou art bored and lonely and
desireth some warm comfort, ring Lulu, 580-6683.



An alcoholic is a man who goes into a topless bar for a drink.


The difference between being a drunk and being an alcoholic is that the
drunk doesn't have to bother attending all those boring meetings.


"Why was alcohol invented?" asked one wino of another.
  "So that igly women could get laid too," said his mate.


Tomorrow some advice.



HUMOURMsg # 277 of 622                 Date: Tue 18/06/1996, 12:06 pm  [E]
From: TRACE WARD                 Read: 29 times

     To: ALL                     Fwd From: :   FidoNet:  Computer Hardware Ech
Subject: Its true! It happened!

[Recently spotted on rec.humor.funny,  A true story from some helpdesk
in (where else!) Australia]

A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company.
That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the
company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties
systems.  While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming
call, which he took after.  When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back
on the phone, laughing like a crazy person.  This is the call he took:

 Caller:        "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

 Tech Rep:      "Yes, it is.  How may I help you?"

 Caller:        "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
                warranty period.  How do I go about getting that fixed?"

 Tech Rep:      "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

 Caller:        "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

 Tech Rep:      "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
                am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
                trade show?  How did you get this cup holder?  Does it
                have any trademark on it?"

 Caller:        "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
                promotional.  It just has '4X' on it."

 At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it.  The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as
a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Trace W Ward * ZL2BS @ ZL2UFW.#46.nzl.oc  * 3:775/90 * tracew@dowle.uu.gen.
P.O. Box 4127, New Plymouth, New Zealand 4630 *  FAX 64 6 7585309

... "If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - B Gates
--- Blue Wave/RA v2.20 [NR]
 * Origin: Midnight Express.  New Plymouth N.Z. (3:775/30)
SEEN-BY: 771/160 290 300 320 1450 1560 1580 772/1 20 135 460 774/0
SEEN-BY: 774/10 50 100 120 135 160 195 290 300 400 605 650 700 750
SEEN-BY: 774/900 1200 1400 775/30 90 776/10

HUMOURMsg # 278 of 622                 Date: Fri 21/06/1996,  9:15 am  [E]
From: TREKKER                    Read: 25 times

     To: All
Subject: Advice


The doctor told the young man the reason for his depression was stress.
"Take life easier," was the doctor's advice.
 "Do you drink?"
 "No," said the young man, "never have."
 "There is no harm in a quiet drink," said the doctor, "even a smoke to
relax, and sex at least once a week.  In fact, in your case it is

Two months later the patient returned and was evidently in much better
health.  He told the doctor he enjoyed a glass of beer each night and had
taken up the pipe.
 "And sex?"  asked the doctor.
 "Hard to find it every week," admitted the patient, "especially for a
parish priest in a small country town like this."


Meuriel was in a serious mood and asked her mother for advice.  She was
about to be married and the groom had come to stay with the family for the
weekend during which time she had blundered into the bathroom and saw him
 "Mother," she said, "what was that thing hanging down between his legs?"
 "They call it a penis my dear, nothing to worry about."
 "And the knob on the end, like a firemans helmet?"
 "Just the glans," said mother.
 "And there are two round things about 13 inches back from this glans.  What
are they?"
 "For your sake my dear," said mum, "I hope they are the cheeks of his


Fred had a problem and he confided in Jed because he was a little older.
 "Problem is," said Fred, "I have a choice of two women.  One is young and
beautiful and I love her dearly.  But she is broke.  The other is an older
woman, a widow, and quite plain, but she is a millionaire.  What should I
It was no problem for Jed.
 "Follow your heart," he said.  "Marry the young girl you love.  And give me
the address of the widow.


Tomorrow some animals


HUMOURMsg # 279 of 622                 Date: Sun 23/06/1996,  9:56 am  [E]
From: TREKKER                    Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: Animals


"Are you an animal lover?"
  "My wife thinks so."


The tortise told police she had been raped by two snails.
  "Can you describe them?" asked the cop.
  "No," she said, "it all happened so fast."


A bear and a rabbit were sitting side by side having a crap in the woods.
 The bear said, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
  "No," said the rabbit.
  With that the bear promptly picked u pthe rabbit and wiped his arse with


The bi-sexual donkey had a hee in the morning and a haw at night.


Mike the monk was having a quiet drink in the Animals Bar when mick the
mouse climbed up on the stool beside him.
  "How did you go with that giraffe last night?" enquired the  monk.
  "What a night!"  said the mouse, "I'll never take her out again.  She's a
nymphomaniac, and what with kissi ng her and screwing her I must have run a
hundred miles last night.


Nothing next week, as I'll be in Palmerston North.  More when I get back.


HUMOURMsg # 280 of 622                 Date: Sat 29/06/1996,  7:05 am  [E]
From: TREKKER                    Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: Anniversaries


"I'm afraid I can't make the darts match tomorrow night, Fred.  I promised
to take Thingummy out for our silver anniversary."


Anniversaries are like toilet seats.
  Men usually miss both.


Well, as you can see, I am back.  Complete with my 'Seriously Rude Joke
Book'.  I'm not TVNZ, No censorship here.


HUMOURMsg # 281 of 622                 Date: Sun 30/06/1996, 11:43 am  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD ;>

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer's barn.  While he surveyed
the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to
send a cheque for $50,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

"We don't give you the money," she was told.  "We replace the barn and all
the equipment in it."

"In that case," replied the wife, "cancel the policy I have on my husband."


One day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.  He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously and a genie appeared.  "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the
genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie.  "You're a housewife."



Travelling home on a crowded commuter train, I was surprised to see a girl
suddenly thrust her arm up into the air, grasping the hand of the man behind
her.  It all became clear when she shouted, "Does anyone own this?  I just
found it on my bottom."


When my daughter Rebecca was three years old, we moved to another town.
Several neighbours recommended a doctor, and when I took Rebecca to him I
was pleased at how well she seemed to be responding to him.

He spoke gently to her and explained everything he was doing.  When it was
time to test her reflexes, he said, "Rebecca, I'm going to lightly hit your
knee with a hammer."  Rebecca let out a bloodcurdling screen.

Surprised, the doctor asked me, "What did I do?"

"Her father," I explained, "is a carpenter."


A friend of mine is employed by a gas company.  While he and a younger
colleague were checking the meter at a woman's home, my friend challenged
his co-worker to a foot race to prove that an older man could outrun a
younger one.

As they came tearing round a corner, they realised the lady of the house was
huffing and puffing right behind them.  They stopped immediately and asked
her what she was doing.  "When I saw two gas men running as fast as you
were," she replied, "I thought I'd better run too."


HUMOURMsg # 282 of 622                 Date: Sun 30/06/1996,  1:15 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: Manual Training :>

Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device, which is why
we ask you to read this owner's manual carefully before you unpack it.
You already unpacked it, didn't you?  And you plugged it in and turned it on
and fiddled with the knobs, and now your child, who once shoved a sausage
into your VCR and set it on 'fast forward,' is fiddling with the knobs,
right?  And you're just starting to read the instructions, right?  We're
sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes, because we're always getting
back 'defective' merchandise that the consumer inadvertently destroyed.  Now
let's talk about:

1.     Unpacking the device:  The device is encased in foam to protect it
from the Shipping People, who like to jab spears into the boxes.

WARNING:  Do not ever as long as you live throw away the box or any of the
pieces of plastic foam, even the little ones shaped like peanuts.  If you
attempt to return the device and you are missing one single peanut, the
store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph
Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

2.     Operation of the device:  The actual working central parts of the
device are manufactured in Japan.  The instructions were translated by Mrs
Shirley Peltwater of accounts receivable, who has never actually been to
Japan but does have most of 'Shogun' on tape.

Instructions:  For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
Never to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.  Next, taking
the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence!  However.  If
this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a
kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

3.     Warranty:  Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday
afternoon at shortly before two.

WARNING:  It may be a violation of some law that Mrs Shirley Peltwater has
'Shogun' on tape.

HUMOURMsg # 283 of 622                 Date: Sun 30/06/1996,  2:04 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD

On May 15, 1930, the first air hostesses boarded planes with the following
set of instructions, notes an early Stewardesses Manual:

*      Keep the clock and altimeter wound up;
*      Carry a railway timetable in case the plane is grounded;
*      Warn passengers about throwing their cigars and cigarettes out of
*      Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory in case they
       mistakenly go out the emergency exit.



HUMOURMsg # 284 of 622                 Date: Tue  2/07/1996,  9:59 am  [E]
From: WITCH WON                  Read: 28 times

     To: ALL
Subject: Good news for Apple

   Regardless of its current finacial straits, Apple keeps winning various
competitions and proving it has a superior product to WIntel-based
machines.  The latest one is certainly worth relating.  Seems Apple
evangelist Guy Kawasaki challenged Microsoft to a live competition to
determine which platform was easiest to setup.  No one at Microsoft took
the bait, but the editor at "Windows Sources", a technical trade journal,
did.  The competition was held at a recent Software Publishers Association
meeting.  The result: the Macintosh took considerably less time to set up
-- 16 minutes 15 secconds, compared with 26 minutes and 15 seconds for the
WIntel machine.  But that's not the amazing part.  Truely incredible was
this fact: competing against the uber-geek from "Windows Sources" was not
Mac-savvy kawasaki -- it was a 10 year old named Max Stien.


HUMOURMsg # 285 of 622                 Date: Thu 18/07/1996,  3:36 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 27 times

     To: All
Subject: The last lot of RD's :>

In a lost-and-found column:   Lost - Small, brown hamster.  Children don't
care.  Cat is heartbroken.


Wedding report in the Hinton, Oklahoma, Record:  The bride's beautiful gown
of 'peau de soie' was trimmed with her mother's bridal Irish face.  It was
yellowed with age, but still very lovely.



HUMOURMsg # 286 of 622                 Date: Thu 18/07/1996,  3:38 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: Do you speak computerese?

                        Do you speak computerese?
                              by Dave Barry

For many of us, the first experience with computers occurs in the workplace.
This was certainly true in the newspaper business.  One day, we reporters
came into the office and discovered that our old, slow typewriters had been
replaced by sleek, efficient computers with keys that said mysterious,
scary things like 'BREAK' and 'NUM LOCK'.  Fortunately, we were trained by
highly skilled professional personnel.

We reporters were very wary at first, but after just 175 weeks of training,
we discovered that, instead of writing on old-fashioned paper, we could
create lengthy articles entirely on the screen, and then, simply by pushing
a button, send them to ... the Planet Zembar. "Where the hell is my story!?"
we would shout.  But the lost texts always turned out to be our own fault.
We had invariably committed some bonehead data-processing error such as
failing to modem our ROM BIOS VGA megahertz cache.  But gradually we got the
hang of it, and today we routinely use highly sophisticated, multi-million
dollar systems to perform a function that is vital to the survival of a free
society - namely, sending personal messages to each other.

Walk into a newspaper office, and you'll see serious-looking journalists
clattering away on their keyboards. It seems as though they're writing
important stories about the plight of the Kurds, but in fact they're sending
each other the joke about what the male giraffe said to the female giraffe
in the bar.  In the old days, journalists had to transmit jokes manually.

Of course, there are a few problems.  You may have read about 'viruses,'
which computers get when they're left uncovered in draughty rooms.  This is
bad, because if you are working on an infected machine, it will periodically
emit electronic sneezes - unfortunately not detectable by the naked eye.
You are showered with billions of tiny electronic microbes, called 'bytes,'
which penetrate your brain and gradually make you stupid.

This is definately happening to me.  I'll sit down at my home computer to
write a thoughtful column about, say, foreign policy, and I'll type:  'In
view of the recent dramatic changes in the world geopolitical situation,
it's time to play some Solitaire.'

My computer has a Solitaire playing program on it, probably invented by the
Japanese in an effort to sabotage other countries' economies.  I used to
think that this was a boring game, but now that my brain is clogged with
computer germs, I spend hours moving the little electronic cards around,
staring at the screen with the same facial expression as a mullet, while the
computer sneezes on me.  None of this was possible just 15 years ago.

Undoubtedly, the computer is a most important invention in human history. So
if you don't already have one in your home, I strongly recommend that you
get one.  Without it, you will never be able to know the answers to some
pertinent questions, especially:  What *did* the male giraffe say to the
female giraffe in the bar?  The answer is 'The higpowoifj&kjfky0.'

Hold it. There seems to be a keyboard problem here.  Let me just try
plugging this cable into ...


Sometimes I feel like pouring coffee into my computer and listening to its
screams.  But of course, I would never do that.


HUMOURMsg # 287 of 622                 Date: Thu 18/07/1996,  8:25 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the last of the RD's.

My wife and I took our six-year-old nephew, Nicholas, to see Santa.  While
waiting in the queue, we remarked that both he and Santa had the same first
name.  When Nicky's turn came, he enthusiastically climbed up onto Santa's
knee.  "What's your name?" Santa asked.

"The same as yours," the youngster replied.

"Well, isn't that nice," said the tired and harried Santa.  "And what would
you like for Christmas, Leonard?"



HUMOURMsg # 288 of 622                 Date: Thu 18/07/1996,  9:08 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD :>

When Sir David McNee, who headed the London Metropolitan Police Force,
addressed the Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police, he gave an example
of British police humour by quoting the following parody of a Metro Police
examination question:

"You are on patrol when an explosion occurs in the next street.  Upon
investigation, you find a large hole and an overturned van lying nearby.
Inside the van there is a strong smell of alcohol.  Both occupants, a man
and a woman, are injured.

"You know he is an unlicensed driver and his passenger is the wife of your
inspector.  A motorist stops to offer assistance, and you recognise him as a
felon wanted for armed robbery.  Suddenly, another man runs out of a nearby
house shouting that his wife is expeting a baby and that the shock of the
explosion has made the birth imminent.  At that moment, you hear someone
crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent canal by the explosiom.
He cannot swim.  Descibe in a few words what you would do."

Sir David then said that one of his bright young officers was alleged to
have given this problem some thought before picking up his pen and writing:
"Remove uniform and mingle with crowd."


It was to be the first helicopter flight for my wife and me, and we were a
little nervous as we sat strapped into the back seat, awaiting the pilot's
arrival.  However, apprehension turned to sheer terror when the passenger in
the front seat angrily told us he was sick of waiting and would have to
'drive the thing' himself.

Only the seat belts stopped us diving out the door as he moved into the
pilot's seat and started touching the controls.  Then he swung around with a
huge grin to announce that he was in fact the pilot.  His pet joke for
first-timers had succeeded again.


"My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room," said one man to
another.  "It was so high-tech that the baby came out cordless!"


HUMOURMsg # 289 of 622                 Date: Sun 21/07/1996,  8:03 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the last of the RD :>

One evening while dining in a restaurant, I asked a strolling violinist to
play "The Flight of the Bumblebee."  Soon after he began, the bow suddenly
fell out of his hand.  Immediately he observed, "There goes the flight of
the fumbled bow."


When my father arrived at his tool company one morning, he saw that someone
had tried unsuccessfully to get into the safe, using 'borrowed' drills,
crowbars and other implements.  In Dad's typewriter, we found the following
note from the intruder:  "Good safe."


Do people actually read these? ;>


After marrying a much younger woman, a 93-year-old man told his doctor that
they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor.  "An absent-minded fellow went
hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella.  Suddenly, a lion
charged him.  Pointing his umbrella at the lion, he shot and killed the
animal on the spot."

"Impossible!" exclaimed the old man.  "Someone else must have shot it!"

"Exactly," replied the doctor.


A woman reported to the police that her neighbours were practising bird
calls with whistles.  She said that she had told them to keep the noise
down, but to no avail.  A policeman located the source of the noise.  It was
a bird.
                                               - Roseburg News Review.


When I was first officer on an airliner, we had a pilot with an odd sense of
humour.  One day, we flew into a bad storm and much turbulence.  After the
passengers had disembarked, a flight attendant came up to the cockpit.

"Gosh, that was one of the bumpiest flights I've ever had," she said.  "I
really admire how you kept the plane under control at all times."  The
captain calmly turned and asked, "And what makes you think we did?"

HUMOURMsg # 290 of 622                 Date: Sun 21/07/1996,  8:11 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: And more... I hope you're enjoying these

Each new patient at the clinic where I work must complete a questionnaire
asking basic health and personal-history questions.  One query that
inevitably gets a 'no' answer is, "Do you now use or have you ever used
recreational drugs?"

We were unprepared for the proud response of a young newlywed.  She wrote:
"Yes - Birth-control pills!"


I bought a ticket for myself in a Melbourne Cup sweep and another for my
six-year-old.  She was panic-stricken when I told her she had a horse in the
big race.  "But, Mummy," she said, "I've never ridden a horse before!"


This list for deciphering media code words was first circulated on a
computer bulletin board:  (Yay team!  We made it into the RD!)

When the press writes          It really means

Controversial                  Did something bad we can't prove
Unidentified source            Person quoted in previous paragraph who asked
                               not to be named
Scandal-plagued                Guilty
Informed source                Any person who reas the newspaper for which
                               the reporter works
Feisty                         Short, female
Recently                       We lost the press release
Knowledgeable observer         The reporter
Self-styled                    Phoney
Guru                           See 'Self-styled'
Venerable                      Should be dead but isn't
Embattled                      He should quit


HUMOURMsg # 291 of 622                 Date: Sun 21/07/1996,  8:34 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the RD :>  couldn't resist :>

My sister Susan and her husband, Frank, were entertaining for the first time
since the birth of their baby.  Everything ran smoothly until one of Frank's
friends arrived with his new girlfriend - a woman Susan did not particularly

Susan beckoned her husband upstairs with the excuse that they had to check
on the baby.  In the privacy of the nursery, she spoke freely of her
feelings for the new guest.

When they went downstairs to rejoin the party, there was an awkward silence
- except for occasional murmurings of the sleeping baby that came from the
infant monitor sitting on the table.



During an international congress held overseas, two of the delegates, both
enthusiastic birdwatchers, decided to spend the late afternoon in nearby
bush with their binoculars, looking for rare species.  They were unaware
that the bush fringed a nudists' beach.

One of the delegates felt a tap on his shoulder.  Taking the binoculars away
from his eyes and turning around, he was stunned to see a naked man.  "We
don't mind you two looking," the nudist said, "But do you have to use


My cellular phone cut out as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught
in traffic and would be late for our anniversary dinner.  I wrote a message
on my laptop computer asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a
portable inkjet and taped it to my rear window.  When I finally arrived
home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever.  "I really think you love me,"
she said.  "At least 70 people called and told me so."


Our high school held a charity auction, with students making various
donations.  When one girl offered to clean the house of the highest bidder,
I was amazed at the steep price one woman bid to win this service.

Asked why she had paid so much, she replied, "It's worth it just to see my
daughter actually cleaning the house."


A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.  "You aren't
so good in bed either!" he shouted, and stormed off to his surgery.  By
midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.  "What took you so long to
answer?" he asked.

"I was in bed," he wife said.

"What were you doing in bed his late?" said the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion," replied his wife.


A parrot, advertised as a 'very good burglar alarm,' was bought by an
elderly woman.  That night, an intruder tried to break into her house.  The
parrot crept off his perch, and slowly and stealthily made his way to the
telephone.  Picking up the receiver, he dialled 111 and asked for the

"Police station," boomed the sergeant.  "Can I help you?

The parrot shook his feathers, stood upright and screeched out loud, "Who's
a pretty boy then?"


HUMOURMsg # 292 of 622                 Date: Sun 21/07/1996,  9:10 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: And more.. finishing off the mag.

A friend of mine awoke one morning to find a puddle of water in the middle
of his king-size waterbed.  To fix the puncture, he rolled the heavy
mattress outdoors and filled it with more water so he could locate the leak
more easily.  The enormous bag of water was impossible to control and began
rolling away on the hilly terrain.  He tried to hold it back, but it landed
in a clump of bushes which poked it full of holes.

Disgusted, my friend threw out the waterbed frame and moved an ordinary bed
into his room.  The next morning, he awoke to find a puddle of water in the
middle of the new bed.  The upstairs bathroom had a leaky drain.


One cold and blustery winter day, while my intrepid aunt and I were walking
along a deserted stretch of a lake shore, we were suddenly delighted by the
sight of a small group of geese bobbing peacefully a short distance away.
Hoping for some good photographs, my aunt removed her shoes and stockings
and waded cautiously into the frigid surf.

The geese were most cooperative, and she returned a few minutes later, cold,
wet and bedraggled, but with six good shots.  It was then that we saw a man
with a shotgun watching curiously.  "Oh, you're not going to shoot those
poor geese!" my aunt exclaimed with horror.  "Wouldn't dream of it," the
hunter replied.  "Those are my decoys."


HUMOURMsg # 293 of 622                 Date: Sun 21/07/1996,  9:43 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: And another.. .sorry...

In a personals section:  To the parents of the kid residing at 424 (you
know where) - please change the trumpet practising to a reasonable hour or
we're going to buy our Brucie a set of drums.


Can't be bothered typing more.


HUMOURMsg # 294 of 622                 Date: Thu 25/07/1996,  9:23 pm  [E]
From: GABBIE                     Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: French omeletes

Why do the French make an omelet with only one egg.?
Because in France,, One egg is "un oeuf".


HUMOURMsg # 295 of 622                 Date: Sat  7/09/1996,  5:58 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 25 times

     To: All
Subject: Humour Lines :>

If you ever wanted to see a more defined description of exactly what a
"Vendor" is, here is a lising of what they are and what they do. I hope you
enjoy this list as much as I did.

 1.  Systems Integrator - We'll make all your computers work together...
     as long as you bought 'em from us.

 2.  Hardware Provider - What we are when you need to get the most out of
     your capital budget.

 3.  Services Provider - What we are after you've run out of capital budget.

 4.  IS Visionary - We'll forecast your future, put you on the right
     strategic path and position you to use IS for competetive advantage...
     all, quite coincidentally, just before our fiscal year ends.

 5.  Systems Consultant - Our title once we have completed a difficult
     technical engagement.

 6.  Management Consultant - Our title once we've botched a difficult
     technical engagement.

 7.  Technical Advisor - We'll tell you how to buy our products.

 8.  Financial Advisor - We'll tell you how to lease our products.

 9.  Contractor - That's when we do a specific task in a specified time
     frame for a specified price.

10.  Subcontractor - That's when we do a specific task in a specified time
     frame for a specified price... then get the heck out of Wellington.

11.  Entrepreneur - Someone who markets a leading-edge, open-architectured,
     object-oriented, full-function, revolutionary new GUI application...
     then delivers just the prototype.

12.  Data and network specialist - Our moniker when we provide the tools
     and products to manage all the data in your enterprise.

13.  Network specialist - Our moniker after we've lost all the data
     somewhere in your enterprise.

14.  Niche solution provider - We focus on one thing and do it well.

15.  Total solution provider - We focus on a bunch of things, hoping we'll
     figure out how to do one well.

16.  Partner - We approach you with open arms, asking you to invest in an
     honest, long-term relationship... because maybe by then, we'll have
     come up with something.


HUMOURMsg # 296 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/09/1996, 11:07 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: HumourLine :>

Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral          by Ed Bluestone

 1.  Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
     love with you.

 2.  Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
     your contact lens.

 3.  Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

 4.  Tell the widow that you're the deceased gay lover.

 5.  Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

 6.  At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

 7.  Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
     not in it.

 8.  Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

 9.  Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10.  Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
     sneak him into the coffin.

11.  Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12.  Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13.  Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

14.  Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
     can be read before the funeral is over.

15.  Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
     who can't afford firewood.

16.  Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17.  Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18.  Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19.  Take up a collection to pay off the deceased gambling debts.

20.  Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.

21.  Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's
     last kiss.

22.  Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

23.  If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24.  When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
     deceased's mouth.

25.  Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
     "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

26.  At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27.  Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28.  Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29.  Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the
     coffin for back-taxes.

30.  Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a
     straight face while praising the deceased.

HUMOURMsg # 297 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/09/1996, 11:09 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: HumourLine :>

 Communism:        You have two cows. The government takes both of
                    them and gives you part of the milk.

 Socialism:        You have two cows. The government takes one of them
                    and gives it to your neighbor.

 Fascism:          You have two cows. The government takes both of
                    them and sells you the milk.

 Nazism:           You have two cows. The government takes both of
                    them and then shoots you.

 Bureaucracy:      You have two cows. The government takes both of
                    them, shoots one, milks the other, and then pours
                    the milk down the drain.

 Capitalism:       You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.

 Anarchy:          You have two cows. They decide you have no right to
                    do anything with their milk and leave to form
                    their own society.

 Industrialism:    You have two cows. You dissect them both,
                    and figure out how to build a milk-factory

 Centralism:       You have two cows. And a problem finding them
                    in the middle of field with 100,000,000 others.

 Environmentalism: You have two cows. You recycle the milk
                    and give it back to the cows.

 Democracy:        You have two cows. The vote is held, and they win.

HUMOURMsg # 298 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/09/1996, 11:11 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: HumourLine :>

                             What is guilt?

  Guilt is the need to say you're sorry when you had absolutely nothing to
do with what happened in the first place.

  One out of four Americans feels guilty all the time.  Think of three of
your closest friends.  If they seem OK, you're in trouble.

  We think the definitive example of guilt concerns the fellow who gets
sick at the office.  Since the boss isn't around, a co-worker says, "Why
don't you go home?"  So, he does.  He goes home, up to the bedroom, and
finds the boss making love to his wife.  He sneaks out and rushes back to
the office and grabs his friend, "Great advice you gave me.  I almost got


  You stay married to each other only because you feel guilty about keeping
the wedding gifts.

  If you find less than three inches of toilet paper on the spool in a
public rest room, you leave it alone and crawl to the next booth.

  You straighten up your apartment before the cleaning lady shows up.

  Guilt is always having to say you're sorry.

  You don't like where you work and you also feel guilty about using
gasoline to get there.

                      GUILT WITHOUT SEX IS ....

  At a bullfight, you find yourself rooting for the bull.

  Helping her look for her canary when you've accidently put it down the
garbage disposal.

  When you were a kid and they took you to see Peter Pan - you never
clapped for Tinker Bell.


  You have a genuine leopard skin coat - and you wear it to a meeting of
the Endangered Species Club.

  You park your car in a space reserved for the handicapped and then
pretend to limp away from the car.

  Buying your kid a regular lollipop and leaving the cellophane on it and
telling him/her its an all-day sucker.


  You see your dentist twice a year and his wife every chance you get.

  Lying to a Girl Scout that you can't buy her cookies because you're a


  You object violently to an ethnic joke and then repeat it to everyone you

  Teaching you dog to "stay" and then moving to South Dakota.

  The plants you've been talking to die and you're positive it was
something you said.

  Coughing in a theatre - right in the middle of a punch-line.

  Guilt is realizing that you shouldn't have told your shrink what you
really think about your mother.

  Asking your husband to go out at night for pizza and ice cream, when you
know you're not pregnant.

  Guilt is selling a parrot you bought from a sailor to a sweet little old

  You have a dog in a "no pets" building so every time you run into the
manager, you bark.

  Telling your kids you never, never shoplifted when you were their age.

  You forgot to take a shower before you got into the Hydro Spa at the
health club and you tell everyone, "I did.  Can I help it if I'm a fast

  In a public John, you only wash your hands if there's somebody else

  Letting your neighbor blame your five year old son for hitting a baseball
through his window.

  When you park next to a dinged up car, you leave a note saying, "It
wasn't me that did it!"

  You go to a friend's birthday party and yours is the only gag gift.

  Making your kids lie about their age at the movie theater, etc.

  Taking the phone off the hook when you're expecting your mother-in-law to

  Forgetting your wife's name when you introduce her.

  Having the service station attendant check the oil, water, battery, tire
pressure, and ashtrays.. and then finding out your wife filled the gas tank
just before she picked you up at work.

                          GUILT IS .....

  Coming down with the flu the morning after a party that you and you boss
both attended.

  Going to a wife swapping party when you're really a bachelor.

  In your heart you're glad that Robert Redford has moles.

  You have trouble starting your car when someone is waiting for your space.

  You can't do anything in the bathroom when people are waiting for you.

  You lied about the year of your birth to your astrologer.

  You forget the telephone number that Information just gave you and you're
hesitant to call back for fear she'll recognize your voice.

HUMOURMsg # 299 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/09/1996, 11:15 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 35 times

     To: All
Subject: Humourline

                        RULES OF APARTMENT LIVING:

1.  If someone calls while you are on the phone, do NOT answer the call
waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's,
sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too
important to be interrupted.

2.  Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper

     a.  you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the
         pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check
         off a few boxes

     b.  but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are
         aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be
         called back at the callee's first free moment, the callee will
         telepathically be aware of this

3.  Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates
items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one.

4.  Feel free to leave any & all dirty dishes wherever you please,
certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and
will clean up after you.  Just because you are big enough to make a mess
shouldn't obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.

5.  If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock
the bathroom door!  Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to
drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet.  Also, make sure that
you take a 40 minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves for
work early and you have to take the bus.

6.  Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all
times--we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve
energy--let other less important people do that.

7.  If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates
room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's important that
they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!

8.  Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to
whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again--how
dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!

9.  Never, ever,ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do it,
just let the apartment stink.   You were not born a garbage man, so why
lower yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?

10.  If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with
her, but don't bother to offer her any money for gas.  This is the 90's and
gas is free for all Summer Interns.

11.  Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom
sinks and in the shower.  Don't clean out your brush over the trash can, of
course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and
everytime they go to the bathroom.

12.  Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it
be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking.  Even if its not
open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves.  Oh,
and if your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know
nothing about it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.

13.  If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed
them when she leaves town--then DON'T bother wasting your time feeding
them. They're only fish, they probably won't need to eat anyways.

14.  If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a CD
player or stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room.  She won't
mind if you leave it, or any of her CD's, on the floor.  After all, if it
is not yours, why should you have to put it away??!!??

15.  Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your
roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She
probably doesn't want to use HER pot anyway.

16.  If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like
cooking for someone else--you should definitely take your roommates chicken
and cook it.  Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is
YOUR food.

17.  If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some
spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to go into a
roommates cabinet and give away theirs.  They can always go to the grocery
store and buy some more for themselves.  Oh, and don't tell them that
you've given it away either until the ever so friendly neighbor brings back
a few drops of it and thanks YOU for GIVING it to them.

18.  If you think that you have an incredibly sexy body--show it off to
your roommates at any opportunity possible--walk around in your bra at all
times. Some people get really turned on by stuff like that.

19.  Sometimes it can get really hot at night, especially when you find it
necessary to leave the air-conditioning running at 80 degrees, so try
sleeping without any underwear on--your roommates are certain to find
looking at your bare behind a sight to remember.

20.   If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her
because she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the

     a.  insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around the

     b.  don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible

     c.  be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten
         time that you had.


HUMOURMsg # 300 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/09/1996, 11:22 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 36 times

     To: All
Subject: HumourLines :>

                     A DOCTOR'S REPLY TO DEPRESSION

Dear Doctor:

    I feel horrible.  I just want to die.  My life is a shambles. My career
is down the toilet.  My love life is non-existent. My kids hate me.  Nobody
cares.  What should I do?


Dear Sue:

    All of us have felt this way at one time or another, so you're not
alone. We really do care about you and your problems. There is a solution.

    The problem in your life is that you are trying to take responsibility
for your actions. You should never have started doing this, but it's not
too late to change. Do the following:

    1) Quit your job. The whole career scam is designed to make people
think they are going somewhere when they aren't. No one actually has a
career, they just keep doing the same old thing until they get too old,
then they die. You must absolutely NOT give any notice to your employer.
This is part of the "responsibility mentality." Just fail to show up.
Forget about the severance check. See Step 3.

    2) Poison your children. People seem to think that children are somehow
sacred. Wrong! They are just like any other disposable commodity. If they
don't turn out the way they should have, trash them. Just because they are
your children doesn't mean that they aren't still part of the food chain.
Please use an environmentally-approved poison. If you fail to perform this
step (which many feel is the hardest one) the retches will come back to
haunt you later, and will once again turn your life into a living Hell.

    3) Get rid of all your possessions. Do not try to sell them, as you end
up with money which a weak-willed person such as yourself would inevitably
spend. Make a big pile containing everything you own and burn it. Remember:
possessions are burdens, which must be cared for, guarded, repaired,
replaced. You really don't need that kind of aggravation, do you? (Please
don't donate your possessions to the needy. This will only put them into
the same pathetic situation as you.)

    4) Get rid of your spouse or S.O. You have spent half your life trying
to please this person and what has it gotten you? Nothing. He cheats on you
with other women, he calls you "the old sperm bag" when you aren't around,
and deep in his heart loathes and despises you. Dump him. The best way to
do this is to wait until he comes home blind drunk again and passes out on
the couch after puking on the rug. Douse him with lighter fluid (or any
other handy flammable liquid), stand back a safe distance, and throw a few
lit matches in his general direction. For maximum efficiency, this step can
be combined with step

(WARNING: some spouses carry insurance. This is the last thing in the world
you want. See comments in Step 3 again. Forge a suicide note as the
husband/lover. This will invalidate most insurance policies.)

    5) Sell yourself into slavery. This will liven up your love life more
than you would believe. Eventually, you will be passed on to the right man
for you. (If this seems too extreme, as some people seem to think, you
might start off with a few years as a streetwalker. This will condition you
to the point that slavery will seem pleasant. If you are unsure of how to
get into"the life", look under "pimp" in your local Yellow Pages.)

    If you do these things as soon as possible, your depression will fade
away like fog under the morning sun, you will look forward to each new
childlike anticipation, and life will seem like a bed of cherries.

    Sure hope this has helped,

                    Dave X President, American Psychiatric Association

HUMOURMsg # 301 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/09/1996, 11:26 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: HumourLine

                           A COMPUTER FRIEND

 Most people, considering buying a computer the first time, rely on the
advise and guidance of a friend.  As a rule this friend will try to get you
to purchase the same type of computer he has, and this is usually a good
idea because it is the only computer they even begin to understand, and
they probably couldn't help much if you got a different kind.

 If you don't have any friends, no problem.  Just stop into the local
computer store and a salesman will be only too happy to be your friend
(especially if you have a valid charge card).  He knows if he becomes your
friend, and you will take his advise, he will be able to pay for college
and take a world tour by the time he is twenty (most computer salesmen
appear to be about 15 years old).   If you buy a system from him, he will
be your friend and adviser for life (or until about the third time you call
with a problem).

 Your new computer will arrive at your home in the most technically advanced
shipping boxes science can create.   When you open the boxes you will find
your computers virginity protected by thousands of little plastic peanuts
which take on a life of their own.  They will soon be everywhere but in the
shipping carton or the garbage can.

 Remember you must keep the original shipping boxes and every one of those
little plastic peanuts, and store them somewhere safe, because you cannot
return your computer for warranty work unless you repack it in the original
box, with all the original plastic peanuts.  (Of course, you will never be
able to figure out how to correctly put everything back into the box
anyway, but that is your problem.)

 Next you need to contact all of your computer friends and "borrow" copies
of any software programs you need.  No one ever BUYS programs themselves.
It is amazing that all those software companies stay in business!

 Shortly after setting up your new system, you will likely discover that
before you can actually do anything with your computer, you will need to
purchase another $3,000.00 worth of hardware.

 Now your Computer friend will come over and help you learn to operate your
new system.... after about 3 hours he will have to leave... and all he will
have accomplished is getting the screen to show a message that reads

 At this point you will have to sit down for about a month and read the 400
different manuals that came with the system.

 Good luck.

HUMOURMsg # 302 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/09/1996, 11:29 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: HumourLine

                         Little Red Ridding Hood

   One day Little Red Ridding Hood was walking to her Grandma's house, when
she met one of the Three Little Pigs.

   The Little Pig said, "You better be careful Little Red Ridding Hood, the
Big Bad Wolf is looking for you, and he says when he finds you, he is going
to pull up your dress, rip off your panties and screw you silly!"

   Little Red Ridding Hood said, " Yeah, well I'm not afraid of any mangy
ol' wolf."  And she when skipping down the path to Grandma's  house.
Soon she met the second of the Three Little Pigs.

   "You better be careful, Little Red Ridding Hood," said the Second Little
Pig, "The Big Bad Wolf is out to get you, and he says when he catches you
he is going to pull up your dress, rip off your panties, and then he is
going to screw you silly!"

   Little Red Ridding Hood said, "Oh sure he is, we'll see about that..."

   And Little Red Ridding Hood took off again for Grandma's house. Before
long she met the third of the Three Little Pigs.  The Third Little Pig
said, "You better turn around and go home, Little Red Ridding Hood.  The
Big Bad Wolf is just up the trail, and he is telling everyone that he is
going to catch you and pull up your dress, and rip off your panties, and
then he is going to screw you silly."

   Little Red Ridding Hood, said, "Well, I ain't afraid of any old wolf."
and went on toward Grandma's house.

   SUDDENLY the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and snarled, "Ah
Ha!, I got you now Little Red Riding hood!  Now I am going to pull up your
dress, pull down your panties, and screw you silly!"

   Little Red Ridding Hood smiled, reached into her cape, and pulled out a
.357 Magnum, pulled back the hammer, and pointed it at the Big Bad Wolf's
nose and said, " All right you son of a bitch, let's get this straight, you
Are going to pull up my dress, and you ARE going to rip off my panties,
BUT, then you are going to EAT ME, just like the story says!

HUMOURMsg # 303 of 622                 Date: Sun  8/09/1996, 11:32 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 34 times

     To: All
Subject: While you were out...

                    WHILE YOU WERE OUT IN A MEETING

Ms./Rev./Massa/ ____________________________________________                                (name)

 Check One

( )  Telephoned.
( )  Did not Telephone.
( )  Thought about telephoning, but then changed his or her mind.
( )  Telephoned, but could not for the LIFE of him or her remember why.
( )  Telephoned, then hung right up, but I am certain it was him or her.
( )  Wants you to call and attempt to leave a message for him or her.
( )  Wants to fire you.
( )  Wants to reveal a sordid episode from his or her past involving a goat.
( )  Wants to end World Hunger in our lifetime.
( )  Wants your body.
( )  Wants for nothing.
( )  Wants to tell you the joke about the man who finds out that he has
     only eight hours to live, so he goes home and makes love with his wife
     once, twice, three times, and finally they fall asleep, and at 3 A.M.
     he tries to wake her up, and she says, "Not AGAIN!  Some of us have to
     get up in the morning!"
( )  Ate paste as a child.
( )  Has the clap.

HUMOURMsg # 304 of 622                 Date: Mon  9/09/1996,  7:10 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 35 times

     To: All
Subject: HumourLine :>

                         QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS TO

(Answers in Black :>:>)

1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he
conduct before he shoots 50 people?

   Johnny hits (15 X (4/10)) people per drive by, which means that he will
   have to participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people.  However, he will
   have completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the third
   when he has to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he'll only
   have shot 16 people when the homeboys with the UZIs' make Swiss cheese
   out of him.

2. Pony has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

   At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8 ball" is 8
   grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75 grams left. If he
   keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of 5 X
   $320=$1,600) and have 6.75 grams for his own nose. If he sells 2 gram
   packs, he can sell (46/2-23) packs at $85 apiece = (23 X $85)=$1,955.
   However, he could divide it into small parts, bake it up into crack and
   sell the rocks for an even larger profit. This problem is really more
   suited for the Gang Multi-Variable Economics Test.

3. Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many
tricks will each have to turn so Jeff can pay for his $800 per day crack

   800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a deal
   with Pony from Question #2.

4. Susan wants to cut her 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How
many ounces of cut will she need?

   If she sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, she will
   need 20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (= 8 oz) is 1.6oz. So, Susan will
   need 1.6 oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20% more volume.
   She will want a cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has
   approximately the same melting point. Plain sugar or laundry detergent
   are suggested. Laundry detergent has the added benefit of removing the
   possibility of customer complaints, but will sharply limit repeat

5. Blade gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4.
If he has already stolen 2BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have
to steal to make $800?
   Blade has made (2 X $200) + (3 X $100) = $700 dollars from his theft so
   far. He needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50 = 2 more Chevy's.
   However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he can take the
   extra two and make a really def low-rider.
6. Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000 for the
hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how much money will
be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for
killing the bitch that spent his money?
   6 years X 12 months/year X $250/month = $18,000. Little Willy will have
   $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets out of prison. If Little
   Willy kills her in the USA, he should expect to get 6 years. However, if
   he takes her down to Mexico and buries her scrawny, track-market butt in
   the desert, he can get off scott free.
7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average
letter is 4 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of
   3 cans of paint will cover 3 X 22 = 66 square feet. 66/4 = 16 letters
   with a little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop who's
   comin' after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and a bitchin' skull.
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
   6/27 = 22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they've
   been sleeping with Freak, Hector's lieutenant. So, Skull only knocked up
   4/27 or 14.8%.
9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cent on
the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each week
to make $250.
   Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.

HUMOURMsg # 305 of 622                 Date: Mon  9/09/1996,  7:19 pm  [E]

From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: HumourLine :>


 1. A Jumbo Jet weighs more than an elephant.

 2. There are 1,800 thunderstorms on Earth at any given moment.

 3. There are 8.5 million lightening strikes on Earth every single day.
    (P.S. A bolt of lightening always hits the highest point.)

 4. There's also a lot of mad Libyan terrorists about.

 5. And don't forget those Iraqi's - They're F***ing livid still.

 6. The distance between the wing-tips of a Boeing 747 is longer than the
    first flight made by the Wright brothers but shorter than the Irish
    football team's passing game.

 7. A plane can also cut wood.  It can scythe down one square mile of
    trees when it crashes into a forest.

 8. All the world's airlines demand a copy of the Irish football team's
    fixture list, so that their aeroplanes can avoid the stadiums
    where Ireland are playing.

 9. Chaos theory, also known as Sod's Law, predicts that if you are so
    terrified of flying that you take a train or a ship instead, a 747 will
    probably crash on your carriage or the recreation deck.

10. The whole fleet of Air Europe recently went down - in one single night!

HUMOURMsg # 306 of 622                 Date: Mon  9/09/1996,  7:20 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: More HumourLine :>

                    THE ARMY'S DEFINITION OF A COW

A cow is a completely automated milk manufacturing machine.

It's encased in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical moveable
supports, one on each corner.

The front end contains: the cutting and grinding mechanism, as well as,
light sensors, air inlet and exhaust, bumper and a fog horn.

The rear end contains: the dispensing apparatus and automatic fly swatter.

The central section houses an hydro-chemical conversion plant. this
consists of four fermentation and storage tanks, an integrated network,
which is connected to the rear dispensing unit.

In brief the extremely visible features are;

2 lookers, 2 hookers, 4 stander-uppers, 4 hanger-downers and a swissy-wissy.


HUMOURMsg # 307 of 622                 Date: Wed 11/09/1996,  8:25 pm  [E]
From: WITCH WON                  Read: 31 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Enough already!  Here's Poly Nomial.

   Good evening All,

                THE SAGA OF POLLY NOMIAL

        Once upon a time, pretty Polly Nomial was skipping through a
field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.
Now Polly as a convergent, her mother had made it an absolute condition
that she never enter such an array without her brackets on.  But Polly
had changed her variables that morning and had been feeling particularly
badly behaved, so she ignored her mother's condition on the grounds that
it was insufficient, and made her way in among the complex elements.

        Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached
her surface.  She grew tensor and tensor.  Quite suddenly, three branches
of a hyperbola touched her at a single point.  She oscillated violently and
lost all sense of directrix.  She tripped over a square root protruding
the erf, and tumbled headlong down a steep gradient.  When she was once
in possession of her variables, she found herself apparently in a
non-euclidean space.  She was being watched.  However, that smoothe
operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product.  As his eyes devoured
her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face.
Was she still convergent?  He wondered.  He decided to integrate inproperly
at once.  Hearing an improper fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw
approaching with his power series extrapolated.  She could tell at once
from his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent
to no good.

        "Eureka!" she gasped.

        "Ho, Ho," said our operator.  "What a symmetric little asymptote
          you have.  I bet your angles are just dripping with secs."

        "Stay away from me!" she said.  "I haven't got my brackets on."

        "Calm yourself, my dear," he said, "Your fears are purely

        "I, I," she thought, "maybe he's not normal...maybe he's even a

        "What order are you?" the brute demanded.

        "Seventeen," she replied.

        Curly leered.  "Enough of this idle chatter.  Let's go to a decimal

         place I know, and I'll take you to the limit."

        "Never!" she gasped.

        "Arcsinh!!!"  He swore the vilest oath he knew.  Coshing her over
coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her
discontinuities.  He stared at her significant places and began smoothing
out her points of inflection.  Poor Polly.  She could feel his hand tending
toward her asymptotic limit.  The algorithmic method was now her only hope.
Her convergence would soon be gone forever.  Curly's radius squared itself.
Polly's loci quivered.  He integrated by parts.  He integrated by partial
fractions.  The complex beast even went all the way around and did a
contour integration.  Curly went on operating until he was completely and
totally exhausted of all his primitive roots.

        When Polly arrived home that night, her mother noticed that she had
been truncated in several places.  But it was too late to differentiate
Nine orders later, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left serds and residuess all over the place
and drove poor Polly to deviation.

        The moral of our story is: if you want to keep your expressions
convergent, never allow them any degrees of freedom.

        ---- The above does not necessarily reflect the views of me,
my employer, friends, family, the Mets, the blockaders....

HUMOURMsg # 308 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/09/1996,  4:56 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 33 times

     To: All
Subject: Humourline stuff :>


Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have
been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's
rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly
half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of
exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order
and dignity.

General rules:

1.  Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
  acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2.  A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend
  a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
  permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3.  No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4.  If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
  looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules:

5.  All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace
  your graffiti back to you, don't do it.

6.  Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable
  if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7.  If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
  ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few,
  restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If
  visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to
  use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8.  Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
  Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely
  placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining

9.  Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the
  management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
  outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then
  middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

  For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:

  X......  (X == occupied, . == empty)
  XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
  XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
  XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't
  know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange.
  At this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
  urinal. Don't step back until you've thoroughly shaken off and closed
  your pants again.

Toilet rules:

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for
  dealing with the females.
       a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
       b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
       c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
          are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to
          ignore her presence until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if
  absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
  available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely invisible
  to the remainder of your party, before you begin.



1.1 Introduction

  One of the advantages of being a man is that the queues in public
restrooms are shorter. No longer need you stand for ages in a line that
never seems to move, surreptitiously doing pelvic floor exercises and
hoping that nobody will notice. No longer need you embarrass need your
friends by making them stand in the middle of picture theatre lobbies with
a blank expression and a dripping ice-cream.

  It does, however, mean that you must master the intricate protocol
associated with public urinals. Most men have been learning the rules since
they were little boys. You have to learn in a hurry, lest you accidentally
commit a serious offense against good manners.

 1.2 Where to stand

  Let's start with the sort of urinal which has no divisions between the
standing positions. The main skill needed here is to know where and how to

  Starting from an unoccupied urinal, the first man to enter must stand at
one of the extreme ends. It is best to stand very slightly angled away from
the centre, but not so much that it is obvious. The idea is to create a
little corner of privacy without seeming to do so.

  The next man to arrive must, of course, go to the other end; and the one
after that must stand precisely in the middle. The three men normally do
not talk to one another, although an almost inaudible grunt is expected
from new arrivals. Conversation is, however, permitted in the urinals at a
football stadium.

  Now comes the tricky part. The fourth man to arrive has a choice of two
positions, and in either case he must stand precisely halfway between  the
two men beside him. At the same time, the man standing in the centre
position - and, to a lesser extent, the new arrival - must subtly shuffle
his feet sideways so as to equalize the distances between adjacent men. It
is extremely important to be able to do this without seeming to do so.

  Given enough traffic, there will eventually come a point where a new
arrival would have to touch his neighbour. Since this is unthinkable, the
new arrival must stand back and wait for someone else to finish. Some men
will, in this situation, go into one of the stalls - leaving the door open,
in order to make it clear that they are only urinating - but this is widely
regarded as cheating.

  The rules are much simpler in the new-style urinals, i.e. the porcelain
devices designed to satisfy every man's natural urge to piss in the
washbasin. Here again there is a tendency to occupy the end ones first, but
a different decision is not considered to be a serious breach of etiquette.

1.3 Where to look

  It is essential, when using a urinal, to stare directly ahead. A brief
look downwards to check your aim is permitted; but continuing to look down
is in bad taste. Examining yourself for signs of disease or injury is most
definitely out; this activity should be confined to the private stalls.

  Glancing at what your neighbours have hanging out of the front of their
trousers is a very serious violation of decorum. If you are really curious,
you must look out of the corners of your eyes without in any way moving
your head.

1.4 The final shake

      "No matter how you shake your peg
      The last few drops run down your leg.
      Now matter how you jump and prance
      The last few drops run down your pants."
                (Traditional, author unknown)

  Having finished your business, give three firm shakes to the instrument.
Fewer than three would result in an incomplete clearance of the pipeline.
More than three gives rise to suspicion of public masturbation.

  Be wary of giving such a strong flip that drops land on your neighbour's
face. It might be wise to practise this at home before venturing out in

  If wearing tight pants, it is advisable to undo the top completely,
rather than relying on the fly alone. Otherwise you will find yourself
pointing slightly upwards. This is not a problem in itself, but it can
create a reservoir which is not properly cleared by the final shake. The
resulting stain on the front of your pants, which does not appear until you
have already walked out, can be most embarrassing.

1.5 Miscellaneous advice

  Ensure that you tuck yourself completely into your underwear before doing
up the zipper. Insufficient care in this operation can lead to excruciating


HUMOURMsg # 309 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/09/1996,  5:02 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: More from HumourLine.

                              THE GAS BOARD

These are genuine extracts from letters and complaints received by the the
Northern Gas Board. Complaints regarding placing of appliances and  meters

Can you move the meter so it wont cause an obstruction in my passage.

The electric man did it through the floorboards, but your man put it in my
front passage where everyone could see it.

I don't like it as much in my kitchen as I did in the shop window.

Since you put a new pipe from the mains to our house, my husband and I
dread going to bed because of slight discharge, we think there is a leak
just after it enters.

I told my husband it was safe to leave it in all night, but he wont, if he
comes to the showroom can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk
him out of it.

I was told mine was no good but if it is altered I can get the North Sea in.

I have heard that there are two ways you can have it, and it worked out
cheaper the more you got if you have it the other way.

I'm not satisfied with the apprentice, so will you send a man to do me

My wife will ready for your man if you let her know when he's coming on a

I will try to pay before the end of the month because my husband would be
very surprised if you cut it off without telling him.

My husband is pretty handy, but he's says your man can do it better because
of their tools.

It has got slack with use and my husband can't make it tight no matter how
he tries, so for the time being we are making do with the old ring.

My slot is not blocked now, but your men made an awful mess banging their
tools on the walls.

Since making an arrangement with your salesman I am having a baby and would
like to change it for a drying cabinet.

My neighbor has a bigger one than I have and it makes a difference to her
water when she fills the bath.

My husband is under the impression that I was getting it at reduced rates,
but your salesman didn't use his head and got me into trouble.

It is about time your workmen came back to fill the hole, because we are
fed up with having it on the street, it a big attraction and we are getting
children buy the dozen.

The woman who is after my house says she is not keen on it, so if she gets
it can your man stand by to take it out before she comes.

HUMOURMsg # 310 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/09/1996,  5:03 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: And Another

                    McDonnell Douglas Warranty card...

                            McDonnell Douglas

                          Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In order
to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that
best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other

First Name ________________ Initial ____ Last Name __________________
Latitude __________________ Longitude _______________________________
Altitude ___________________ Password, Code Name, Etc. ______________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

 _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-19A Stealth  _Classified

3. Date of purchase:  Month __________ Day __________ Year __________

4. Serial Number___________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

___Received as Gift/Aid Package
___Catalog Showroom
___Sleazy Arms Broker
___Mail Order
___Discount Store
___Government Surplus

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
   have just purchased:

___Heard loud noise, looked up
___Store Display
___Recommended by friend/relative/ally
___Political lobbying by Manufacturer
___Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision
    to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

___Recommended by salesperson
___McDonnell Douglas Reputation
___Advanced Weapons Systems
___Back-Room Politics
___Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

___North America
___Central/South America
___Aircraft Carrier
___Middle East
___Asia/Far East
___Misc. Third-World Countries

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
   in the near future:

Product                           Own    Intend to purchase

Color TV                         _____       ____
VCR                              _____       ____
ICBM                             _____       ____
Killer Satellite                 _____       ____
CD Player                        _____       ____
Air-to-Air Missiles              _____       ____
Space Shuttle                    _____       ____
Home Computer                    _____       ____
Nuclear Weapon                   _____       ____

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  Check all that



___Crazed (Islamic)

___Crazed (Other)




___Corrupt (Latin American)

___Corrupt (Other)


11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?


___Suitcases of Cocaine

___Oil Revenues

___Deficit Spending

___Personal Check

___Credit Card

___Ransom Money

___Traveler's Check

12. Occupation                    You     Your Spouse

Homemaker                        _____       ____
Sales/Marketing                  _____       ____
Revolutionary                    _____       ____
Clerical                         _____       ____
Mercenary                        _____       ____
Tyrant                           _____       ____
Middle Management                _____       ____
Eccentric Billionaire            _____       ____
Defense Minister/General         _____       ____
Retired                          _____       ____
Student                          _____       ____

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
    interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
    participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest                 You      Your Spouse

Golf                             _____       ____
Boating/Sailing                  _____       ____
Sabotage                         _____       ____
Running/Jogging                  _____       ____
Propaganda/Disinformation        _____       ____
Destabilizing/Overthrow          _____       ____
Default on Loans                 _____       ____
Gardening                        _____       ____
Crafts                           _____       ____
Black Market/Smuggling           _____       ____
Collectibles/Collections         _____       ____
Watching Sports on TV            _____       ____
Wines                            _____       ____
Interrogation/Torture            _____       ____
Household Pets                   _____       ____
Crushing Rebellions              _____       ____
Espionage/Reconnaissance         _____       ____
Fashion Clothing                 _____       ____
Border Disputes                  _____       ____
Mutually Assured Destruction     _____       ____

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

HUMOURMsg # 311 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/09/1996,  5:06 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: And More :>

                        I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama

As many of you know, through recent events, I am a single man, once again.
Since my last few affairs of the heart have been flops (in much the same
way as the Titanic was a little flop), I have decided that in the future I
shall be screeening all of my future dates with this highly scientific
quiz.  Enclosed is a quiz I shall hand out to any future dates.  Also, I'm
not bitter.

Instructions:  Please answer each question as honestly as possible.  Bart
will grade your responses and get back to you.

1)  A woman's place is in the:
 a)  House (or Senate)
 b)  Bedroom
 c)  Office
 d)  Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and
     leave it as food for wild jackals

2)  When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
 a)  "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
 b)  "Material Girl"
 c)  "I Touch Myself"
 d)  Theme from "Psycho"

3)  The perfect Christmas gift is:
 a)  Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
 b)  Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
 c)  Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
 d)  Whips, knives and red-hot irons

4)  A woman's hairstyle should:
 a)  Gently accentuate her best features
 b)  Not resemble a poodle
 c)  Hide the lobotomy scars
 d)  Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the

5)  My personal role-model is:
 a)  Hillary Clinton
 b)  Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
 c)  Daisy Duke
 d)  Lorena Bobbit

6)  When it comes to cars, I:
 a)  Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
 b)  <giggle>  What's oil?
 c)  Think fuzzy dice are _cool_!
 d)  Want a Mercedes... NOW!

7)  If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
 a)  Family
 b)  Pet rock
 c)  Therapist
 d)  Furniture

8)  I have a subscription to:
 a)  Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
 b)  Analog and Rolling Stone
 c)  National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
 d)  Weekly Reader

9)  I want to have ___ children.
 a)  Any number, as long as they are healthy
 b)  Some
 c)  Your
 d)  Well-dressed

10) My list of favorite authors include:
 a)  William Shakespeare
 b)  Maya Angelou
 c)  Chairman Mao
 d)  Marquis DeSade

11) A romantic evening is best spent:
 a)  Before a roaring fire
 b)  Having a candle-lit dinner
 c)  Country line dancing
 d)  Shopping

12) I want to date a(n):
 a)  Lawyer
 b)  Engineer
 c)  Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube
 d)  Anyone who owns a shoe store

13)  I really admire:
 a)  My parents, for bringing me up right
 b)  My teachers, for teaching me about life
 c)  The makers of Velveeta
 d)  Zsa Zsa Gabor

14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
 a)  Massive chest
 b)  Tight buns
 c)  Tattoo collection

HUMOURMsg # 312 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/09/1996,  5:07 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: And more from #8 of Humourline :>

                A Short Glossary of Computer Terms

Analog          Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with
                crushed nuts.
Back-up         Current data errors that have been saved for future use.
                See Database Back-up or File Back-up.
Binary          Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Bit             12 1/2 cents ($.125).
Buffer          Programmer who works in the nude.
Bug             Any type of insect.
Byte            Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc.
Coding          An addictive drug.
Compile         A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
Computer        A device used to speed and automate errors.
Character       Any person who has money to spend for any reason.
Crash           A Normal Termination.
Cursor          An Expert in four-letter words.
Database        A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be
                processed and printed many times by the computer system.
                Sometimes called Input File or Data file.
Debugging       Activities necessary to remove insects from any area where
                they are not wanted.
Diskette        A mobile accessory to transsfer and to store errors.
Downtime        The time in which the computer rests while you sink into
                the lower depths of depression. (Downtime typically takes
                place while you are in the middle of your most important
                work on the computer.).
Drive           A hardware part were errors are loaded from diskettes. The
                moment the dirve's led is on can be described as the
                computer's orgasm.(the noise indicate it too!)
Errors          The normal result of running a computer system.
Hardcoded       Computer program code that has been allowed to dry.
Hardware        1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes and such.
                2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked.
Keyboard        An instrument used for entering errors into the system
Logic           Orderly path always followed by programs & errors.
Loop            See Loop.
Maintenance     Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues to
                produce errors and delay work efficiently.
Never-Never Land        1. Place where no one grows up.
                        2. Place where programs love to go.
                        -It is also called the Twilight Zone
Password        The nonsense word taped to your terminal.
Printer         A device that prints computer errors on paper.
RAM             A male sheep.
Reset           A button located on the computer's body,which make easier
                the "trip" of the programs to the Never-never land. It is
                conssidered as the only way of avoiding errors.
ROM             1. A Ram after a delicate operation.
                2. What programs do in Never-Never Land.
Screen          The part of the computer where the errors are seen for the
                first time. It is also the part programmers love to break
                the most.The most inginous and smart feature of the Screen
                is that it can be turned off.
Software        1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc.
                2. Parts of computer that can not be kicked.
Sometime        Those occasions when a computer error message can be
                interpreted and understood.
Security        A feature of computer system access which helps prevent the
                mis-use (or proper use) of the system.
Table-Lookup    A piece of furniture that has been attached to the ceiling.
Turbo           A mode in which the computer compiles the errors faster. It
                sometimes may help the programs to reach the NeverNever
Uptime          The time in which a computer works & produces errors
                quickly and efficiently.


The computer industry continues to improve bit by bit.

Os/2 is half an operating system.

The problem with computers is that they do what you tell them to do, not
what you want them to do.

Those who work with computers have terminal problems.

Why did the computer programmer die in the shower?
          The directions said:  Shampoo, rinse, repeat.

Computer programmers never die.  They just log off.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
           It slipped a disk.

To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
           It was looking for a byte to eat.

Definition of a computer virus:
           A terminal illness.

CPU Prayer:  Forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those whose logic
circuits are faulty.  Lead us not into frustration and deliver us from
power surges.  Blessed be the giver of data, patron of the data distressed.
HUMOURMsg # 313 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/09/1996,  5:10 pm  [E]

From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: And more.  Heh.

This is from the book _Dear Sir, Drop Dead!_ (Hate Mail Through the Ages):

To a NY publisher from an English author

1.  According to the terms of a contract dated November 15, 1974, your
company purchased the American rights in a certain book.  Also according to
these terms, your company agreed to pay the author "$1,000 on signing of
the contract."  As of May 9, 1975, however, this modest sum had somehow
still not been paid to to the author.  What is your explanation for this
curious situation?

(a) We are slowly going bankrupt and we like to keep it that way: slowly
(b) We are not going bankrupt but we would be if we were to start taking
    seriously every silly little clause in every contract we sign.
© It is not the easy way or the popular way, but it is the right way
(d) We wanted to pay you but our treasurer embezzled the money
(e) We did pay you but your agent embezzled the money

2.  What do you propose to do to rectify this situation?

(a) Take the limited hang-out route
(b) Contact our bank in Mexico
© Try a little benign neglect
(d) Your check's in the mail
(e) I don't understand the question

3. In view of the fact that six months is a rather long time in which to
try to scrape up $1,000, what will be your response to the inevitable,
scurrilous rumors that your company is in a financial hole of truly
awesome dimensions?

(a) We can see the light at the end of the tunnel
(b) We can see the tunnel
© Hello out there
(d) Nolo contendere
(e) I was only following orders

4. Having signed the above-mentioned contract as a witness, do you
frequently find yourself in the position of having to witness atrocities
on behalf of the firm?

(a) Every day
(b) Every other day
© It would be wrong, that's for sure
(d) I can't remember
(e) Wait for me behind the door marked "Showers"

5. As you know, an unusual emigr‚ agent negotiated this contract.  What
is your opinion of her?

(a) She is a very warm and wonderful human being
(b) She is a mother
© She is no more of a pain in the ass than all the other lousy agents
    in this stinking town who think they can bleed us for every last cent
    but, boy, have they got another thing coming
(d) It is my understanding that certain parties have contacted the
    Immigration & Naturalization Service about the possibility of her
    deportation on the basis of a number of serious allegations and
    therefore I think I should refrain from commenting on her case until
    it has been disposed of through the proper channels
(e) Compared to what?

6.  How do you view your own future in publishing?  I intend to keep

(a) calm
(b) the faith
© the home fires burning
(d) hanging in there
(e) up the good work
(f) a low profile
(g) on truckin'
(h) out of trouble
(i) apologizing for my boss

HUMOURMsg # 314 of 622                 Date: Sun 22/09/1996,  5:12 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 38 times

     To: All
Subject: Star Trek E-Mail :>

                     STAR TREK V - The EMAIL Message

                     (or More Trouble Than Tribbles)

The following was gleaned from a ship's log adrift in space near the new
nebula LANpoop, named for the Starship LANpoop, which disappeared at about
the same time the nebula appeared in the Atlanta Cluster in the Georgia
galaxy, Sector 3, Quadrant 7.

"Stardate 3.1.415.927, Admiral George P. Burdell, MIS Starship LANpoop.

"We recently ran out of space on our F: drive (a networked DOS partition on
STIATL (our unix isolation ward hardware), which is networked to some VAXen
via TCP/IP). We realized we were silly to tie ourselves to 1 drive with
limited potential, and soon schemed to create a truly virtual F: drive from
our available resources. Steve Lyle, our Systems Administrator, 1st class,
carried out the operation, without consulting the Captain of the Starship

Captain: "Status report, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "I'm querying the new NetManager, now, Captain."

Sulu: "Captain! All dialup ports frozen solid!"

Captain: "Mr. Scott! Whats happening down there?"

Scott: "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?"

Captain: "Huh???"

Chekov: "Sir, I believe he said, "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e
   disks, forsooth?""

Captain: "Say what?"

Spock: "Sir, I believe he said the disks are full, and backfeeding bits
   onto the BI bus. I've got the NetManager query response coming in now."

Admiral: (smiling) "Mr. Chekov, may I remind you that baiting an officer is
   a dangerous game?"

Sulu: (whispered) "It's better than no game at all."

NetManager: "VAX01 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX02 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX03 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX04 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)

Captain: "Spock! What could have happened?"

Spock: "Insufficient data, Captain, but the ship's disk log seems to
  indicate that the F: drive has broken out of the UNIX isolation ward and
  grown to an incredible size. It must have eaten all of our spare disk to
  do this."

Sulu: "Captain, we've got inbound WATS customers on TTYs 1, 5, and 7. All of
   them say their respective Commtasks are dying, and they have gone to
   Condition Red. LANfleet command is on the LA120 with an urgent message to
   help them."

Captain: "Spock?"

Spock: "Not without more resources, Ron."

Captain: "Mr. Scott!!! I need more disk! Giga factor 2!"

Scott: "Huh???"

Spock: "Allow me, Captain. Mr. Scott, thah captain sesd heanz seasd na ha
   mure spece onha deesk ana hea musthef 2 gig or mure."

Captain: (head in hands, quietly) "Why did I ever leave the Equifax?"

Scott: "I canna dewit! We hefna thah moolah allocayhted theys fiscahlyeer!"

Captain: "Huh???"

Chekov: "I believe he said..."

Captain: "Myester Sulooh shuhht hyim oop! Iya ken heeyear tha noiz mahself!"

Spock: "Sir, I believe he said we can't afford it."

Captain: "Beam me to finance, Mr. Scott."

Spock: "Wait, captain. Not yet. Dr. McCoy and Lt. Anderson have been
  training a new F: drive expert over in PD. Corporal Lyle, I think. Maybe
  he can help."

NetManager: "...VAX318 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX319 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX320 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)

Captain: "Mr. Spock! Can you shut that thing..."

Spock: "Wait!"

NetManager: "STIATL - urgent msg for lyle: F: drive full"

Spock: "Fascinating. Here's the trouble. The STIATL drive filled up, and a
   virtual F:olator kicked in, allowing the other drives on the net to
   consume themselves. Even the Warp drive is full. All the dilithium
   crystals got archived to tape to make room for DOS programs."

Captain: "DOS!!! I thought we pawned those off on the Klingons. We did!
   I remember. The MS plague wiped them out!"

Spock: "Yes, sir, but DOS are like tribbles, but MUCH less friendly, and
   MUCH more dangerous."

Captain: "This is the Captain! Prepare to abandon ship! Mr. Spock, activate
   self-destruct sequence..."

The recorded conversation is followed by a noise suspiciosly similar to that
made by a mongo EMP applied to the recorder circuits of a Starship's log.
The investigation is proceeding apace.

HUMOURMsg # 315 of 622                 Date: Thu 14/11/1996,  6:13 pm  [E]
From: BUTCHER                    Read: 30 times

     To: All
Subject: ha ha ho ho

Just remembered one:
You should change the names to people you know/hate/love Wink

One day Jamie Beban and Richard Simms died and were on their way to heaven
with wings, as they soon to be angels. God appeared above them and said
unto them "If you think a bad thought, your wings will fall off.  If you
think a really bad thought, then you will vanish."
"Okay", said both the boys.

So off they went up the stairway to heaven, when suddenly Jamie's wings fell
off.  When he bent over to pick them up, Richard disappeared.

ha ha ho ho


HUMOURMsg # 316 of 622                 Date: Mon 25/11/1996,  4:25 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: From a file :>

                  The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies
              (Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.

(Penis, that is)
(Clean cut, missed his nuts)

Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side,
and Lorena's in the car takin' willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
and tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

(Curve, that is)
(Prixer shrubs, wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
and they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed 'over there',
to John Wayne's Henry that was wavin' in the air.

(Found, that is)
(By a fence, evidence)

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long,
so a dick doc said, 'Hey, I can fix your dong.'
'A needle and a thread is all you're gonna need!'
and the whole world waited 'till they heard Johnny peed.

(Whizzed, that is)
(Even seam, straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
with a cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
and his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.

(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, case closed)


HUMOURMsg # 317 of 622                 Date: Mon 25/11/1996,  4:27 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 26 times

     To: All
Subject: Computer Error Messages :>

                         COMPUTER ERROR MESSAGES

Sector not found. A)bort, R)etry or T)ell your boss it was a virus:

Insufficient disk space you idiot! Did you really expect to copy a 4
megabyte file to a floppy disk??

COMMAND.COM not loaded. System halted due to sobriety.

Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!

Memory parity error. Please turn your computer on and off at least 12 times.

Runtime error 1071 - Company tech support out to lunch.

Runtime error 1072 - Sorry, we had lousy beta testers.

Runtime error 1073 - Your machine didn't exist when this program was

Runtime error 1074 - You must purchase another software program like this,
you're getting sleepy, very sleepy, buy more of these  programs...

Runtime error 1075 - This is what you get for buying a piece-of-crap clone
at the local appliance store.

Runtime error 1076 - You might as well stop now; you'll never figure this
program out.

Runtime error 1077 - It might help if you turned the printer on, Doofus!

Runtime error 1078 - Next time don't pay the programmer up front.

Runtime error 1079 - Warranty just expired.

Error occurred during virus infection; A)bort reconstruction, R)e-arrange
FAT entries or I)gnore anti-virus software:

Bad command or filename - Please don't play with the computers on the
display floor.

000 files copied; but feel free to pass those disks on to your associate.

Insufficient memory - please remove the BUFFERS=237463 statement from your

Invalid media type or Track 0 bad, but look on the bright side, you could
use another coaster.

File not found. Remember, you just erased it.

>>>>>> Error messages we'd REALLY like to see: <<<<<<

Wall jack plugged into phone jack on modem.

Your computer setup requires one more power cord than you actually have.

Warning! You are about to forget how the dip switches were originally set.

Warning! This is yet another program which will cause Windows to crash on
your system.

Warning! This program has a voice-activated destruct sequence set to trigger
after hearing the phrase "Wow! This program is great!"

Warning! After getting your computer back from the service center, 14 screws
are now missing in various areas of the system unit and case.

Entertainment Error 004 - This program will crash right before you win.

Entertainment Error 005 - Hang it up - You'll never find the key you need to
open the door to continue playing the adventure.

Warning! The size of the keyboard buffer is inversely proportional to your
typing speed.

Shareware Error 376 - All desirable features in this program are disabled.

Shareware Error 394 - You will have time to conquer a small world before the
title page times-out.

Shareware Error 398 - The author moved to another state; you'll never find

Shareware Error 399 - No help or documentation available whatsoever.

HUMOURMsg # 318 of 622                 Date: Mon 25/11/1996,  4:31 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 26 times  [1 Reply]

     To: All
Subject: And more :>

             "The Complete Instructions and Full Documents for
               The Understanding and The Playing of PAC MAN"

                   By:  Rudy Razzelem  &  David Dazzelem

Step 1: Carefully turn on your computer. If you encounter a problem,  first
        check to make sure that it is plugged in. If you still are having a
        problem, turn on a light or any other electrical appliance in your
        house (or apartment if applicable) and see if the electric company
        has turned off your power for non-payment. This problem usually is
        found in households where people have over-spent on computers and
        the software needed to support their new habit.

Step 2: Locate where you have put your PAC MAN game.  If it is on your Hard
        Drive,  go to the directory where the program resides.  If you keep
        it on a floppy disk, locate that disk.  Once you have located the
        proper disk, insert it into your floppy disk drive.

        IMPORTANT NOTE! Only one disk at a time may be inserted into a
        floppy drive!  If there is currently a disk in the drive, you must
        first make sure that you remove it BEFORE the next disk is
        inserted! Carefully look at the disk before you insert it into the
        drive. Make sure that the BIG hole in the disk is going in first,
        and that the disk is right side up.  Failure to do so can result in
        the permanent damage to your floppy drive!  Permanent damage to
        your floppy drive can result in the damage of other disks,  and
        those damaged disks can damage other good floppy drives.

Step 3: After inserting the proper disk,  close the drive door and type the
        word  DIR  on your keyboard.  This will produce a menu of the files
        that are on that disk. Carefully look for files that have
        extensions that end with .BAT .COM .EXE  These files will start the
        game for you.  The file named "PAC-MAN.BAT" would be preferred over
        the file "PAC-MAN.COM"  or  "PAC-MAN.EXE".  TYPE  PAC-MAN.BAT  and
        press your ENTER/RETURN key to start the game.  Please note that it
        says to PRESS the key.  It does not say HIT, BANG or PUNCH !!!  A
        keyboard has many delicate switches and should not be abused.

Step 4: Once PAC-MAN has started,  simply move the man on the screen around
        with the keys or your joystick and try to accumulate as many points
        as possible. Remember that this is only a game and if you encounter
        an unusual level of frustration, shut off your computer,  and
        immediately contact your Psychiatrist about your situation.

By now you should totally understand how to document programs that do not
need documenting.  You are now ready to enter the fashionable and lucrative
career field of program documenting.

Editors FINAL Note:  If think that this article is useless and/or stupid,
then keep this in mind;  You are the moron who just wasted your time
reading it! If you enjoyed this article,  look for our next informative
articles entitled: "How to PARTY With Those Wild And Crazy Amish People",
and the ever popular "The Handbook For The Recently Divorced Wife".

HUMOURMsg # 319 of 622                 Date: Mon 25/11/1996,  4:33 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: How to handle stress :>

                       25 Ways to Cope With Stress.

    1.  Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.  See
        how many you can do at a time.

    2.  Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

    3.  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

    4.  When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other

    5.  Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

    6.  Dance naked in front of your pets.

    7.  Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school
        as if nothing is wrong.

    8.  Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

    9.  Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high

    10.  Leaf through "National Geographic"  and draw underwear on the

    11.  Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

    12.  Go shopping.  Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next

    13.  Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly"  and send it to your
         boss's wife.

    14.  Pay your electric bill in pennies.

    15.  Drive to work in reverse.

    16.  Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

    17.  Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule"  and let him figure it

    18.  Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

    19.  Polish your car with earwax.

    20.  Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

    21.  Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back
         to you.

    22.  Braid the hairs in each nostril.

    23.  Write a short story using alphabet soup.

    24.  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in

    25.  Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

    Bonus :  Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back
             in the wrapper.

HUMOURMsg # 320 of 622                 Date: Mon 25/11/1996,  4:35 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 29 times

     To: All
Subject: And more.. I'm bored, ok?!

What do ya'll think of this?

Were you like most people and watched the last episode of "Star Trek: The
Next Generation"? Did you watch the federation ship destroy the Klingon ship
with a laser that destroyed it like swiss cheese? Thought it was fantasy?
Think again.

The company that brought you the Ginsu 2000 that could cut through a steel
pipe and then slice through a tomato now brings you the Ginsu 3000. Yes,
this little gizmo will not only slice through the lead pipe and tomato, but
also your other hand, your entire wall, the neighbors wall, and just about
everyone or everything on the block.

Got an annoying pet/companion you'd wish you could get rid of? With the
Ginsu 3000, that will not be a problem. One flick of the handle and say bye
bye to Fluffy/Donna. This gizmo is a perfect gift for those who cook a
tough turkey or who want to kill you. This device is designed and crafted
not by ancient Japanese techniques, but by some computer geeks that
couldn't get a date with a dog. Call 1-800-GINSU-3K and you will get this
for ONLY $29.95. AND THAT'S NOT ALL!! With the Ginsu 3000 you will get this
first aid kit to put the limbs back on your body, in case you goof. You
will also get 101 ways to kill your spouse with the Ginsu 3000. A $20
value, ABSOLUTELY FREE! CALL NOW! (Mastercard/Visa accepted or send
check/Money Order to: Ginsu 3000 12500 Dove Valley Tr. Austin, Tx 78729)

Written by David Henkin E-Mail me by internet at
The Address above is my mailing address. Comments WANTED! Call
1-800-I-FEEL-OK to reach me.

HUMOURMsg # 321 of 622                 Date: Mon 25/11/1996,  4:37 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 31 times

     To: All
Subject: And more.. various :>

When God received the results of his special survey, He was very upset.
The survey indicated that fifty percent of the earth's population was
regularly engaging in kinky sex.  Unable to believe the report, He sent
Gabriel down to conduct an investigation.  But Gabriel came back with a
long face.  "It's even worse than we thought, Sir," the angel reported.
"It's not fifty percent, it's a full ninety-eight percent of the people
down there."

God put His face in His hands.  "How am I going to punish ninety-eight
percent of the population?"  He moaned.

"Hey, I've got an idea," offered Gabriel.  "Instead, how about rewarding
the two percent who AREN'T having kinky sex?"

God thought this was a brilliant idea, and had a special plaque made up to
present to those good people.

And do you know what it said?

        OH, you didn't get one either...


How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using:

The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen
countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember
which language you're using.  This guide is offered as a public service to
help programmers in such dilemmas.

C - You shoot yourself in the foot.

Assembly - You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk.  The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot.  After a moment of
contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops
around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

C++ - You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot.  Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others
and saying, "that's me, over there."

Ada - If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a
firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

Pascal - But the bullet is of the wrong type, and the gun jams.

     AimGun;  {8-line procedure}
     PullTrigger;  {2-line procedure}
     DamageControlAndDebugging;  {2000-line, 8-hour procedure}

Modula/2 - After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

sh, csh, etc. - You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend
five hours reading manual pages before giving up.  You then shoot the
computer and switch to C.

Smalltalk - You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

APL - You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.

FORTRAN - You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run out of
bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing

Algol - You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket.  The musket is
esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the
emergency room.

HOLSTER.  Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

BASIC - Shoot self in foot with water pistol.  On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.

PL/I - You consume all available system resources, including all the
offline bullets.  The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its
size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the
original one on your foot.

SNOBOL - You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
bullet.  The act of shooting the original foot then changes your
hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).

lisp - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds...

scheme - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

English - You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

HUMOURMsg # 322 of 622                 Date: Thu 28/11/1996, 12:20 am  [E]
From: WIMP OUT!                  Read: 28 times

     To: All
Subject: Men Wink


Revenge for the years of dumb bimbo jokes and for any woman who
has to put up with a brain-dead man who thinks that foreplay is
something to do with golf.

Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A. He's breathing!

Q. Why do women rub there eyes when they wake up?
A. Because they dont have balls.

Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

Q. How many men does it take to screww in a light bulb?
A. One, men will screw anything!

Q. What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
A. Gifted!

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares!

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. I dont know! Its never happened.

Q. Why do men have stupid looks on their faces?
A. Because they are stupid.

Q. How are men and parking spaces alike?
A. The good ones are always taken, and the ones that are left
   are handicapped.

Q. What a man's idea of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. Why would a man walk around with his fly open?
A. Just in case he has to count to 11.

Q. What do you call an intelligent, caring sensitive man in NZ?
A. A tourist.

Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Sorry guys but like they say... If you cant laugh at yourself... Smile

HUMOURMsg # 323 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/12/1996,  2:08 pm  [E]
From: BJ THE HUN                 Read: 29 times

     To: AIMEE
Subject: Re: And more :>

>             "The Complete Instructions and Full Documents for
>               The Understanding and The Playing of PAC MAN"

While clearing out my fathers office today, I found a OS/2 1.3 manual.

Looking inside I found the installation instructions...

'Inserting a disk;

Push the disk into the drive until it stops traveling backwards, and
'clicks'. If the disk does not go in, check that the label is upwards, the
metallica part is to the front, or there is not another disk in the drive'

(The book is referring to 3.5" disks, and has a picture of a PS/2 with
arrows showing how to put in a disk)

But over a couple of pages, it has highly complex stuff about integers and
other really weird shit that I couldn't care less about.

Why have such simple instructions, and then such complex ones next to each

HUMOURMsg # 324 of 622                 Date: Sun  1/12/1996,  2:20 pm  [E]
From: AIMEE                      Read: 32 times

     To: All
Subject: More from the files :>

                       Little Known Computer Languages
                               (author unknown)
                       From the Pi Mu Epsilon Journal,
                              Volume 8, #9, 1983

   PASCAL, FORTRAN, COBOL -- These programming languages are well known and
(more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry.  There  are
numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have
ardent devotees.  In fact, these little known languages generally  have the
most fanatic admirers.  For those who wish to know more about  these
obscure languages -- and why they are obscure -- we present the  following

   SIMPLE -- SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming
Linguistic Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write 
code with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to  BEGIN,
END, and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you  can't make a
syntax error.

   SLOBOL -- SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it.  Although
many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, COBOL
compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee.  Three or
four programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their
terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile.  Weary SLOBOL
programmers try to return to a related (but infinitely faster) language,

   VALGOL -- From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San
Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across
the industry.
   VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y'NOW.  Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.  Other operators include
the "California Booleans," FERSURE and NOWAY.  Repetitions of code are
handled in FERSURE loops.  Here is a sample VALGOL program.
      C=LIKE GRODY**M4
      DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
   VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages.  For example,
when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message

   LAIDBACK -- Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was
developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness
and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere
in nearby Silicon Valley.
    The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked.  Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there for
long, since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and
    Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
and nonthreatening language.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax
errors with the message: SORRY, MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

   SARTRE -- Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose,
they just are.  Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions.  SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no
fun at parties.

   FIFTH -- FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data
types refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, DUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER, to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
   The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include  VSOP
and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and
RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end
up using this language.

   C -- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C is
best described as a "low level" programming language.  In fact, the
language generally requires more C statements than machine code statements
to exercise a given task.  In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.

   LITHP -- This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the
absence of an "S" in its character set.  Programmers and users must
substitute "TH".  LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth.

   DOGO -- Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training,
DOGO heralds a new era of computer- literate pets.  DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER.  An innovative feature  of DOGO is "puppy
graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally  leaves a deposit as he
travels across the screen.

   FOCUSALL -- a language designed to run on small DEC machines with
minimal memory.  Its only supported distribution is paper tape, for loading
in from an ASR-33 teletype.  This takes 20 minutes, after which the user is
greeted with the message:


The interpreter is then ready to accept any valid command.  The only valid
command is:


which causes the system to once again load the interpreter from paper tape.
The power of the language comes from the fact that preceding a command with
a statement line causes it to be stored as a program line  for later
execution as in the following example:


   PINBOL -- PINBOL is best known for the chance involved in making its
program run.  Three tries at running are allowed, after which the message
"GAME OVER.  INSERT QUARTER AND TRY AGAIN" is displayed. Some allowable
PINBOL instructions and their meanings are:
      LEFT FLIPPER    Illogical Left Shift
      RIGHT FLIPPER   Illogical Right Shift
      SHOOT           Try to Run
 PINBOL is known to be extremely addictive.  Those who are fluent PINBOL
 programmers are known as PINBOL WIZARDS.

   FASTBOL -- commonly known as QUICKIE.  Error messages include "COMPUTUS
INTERRUPTUS."  A closely related language is NOONER.

   GERITOL -- This language is characterized by the habits of its ardent
users.  Instructions frequently forget their function while executing and
conclude with the "I USED TO KNOW THAT" condition code.  Loops tend to
repeat frequently at sporadic intervals, even when not initiated.

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